A Poisoned Pen
“Dear Victim,
That greeting is now more applicable than ever as you are now about to experience my devaluation of you. Why am I doing this? Well, there is the void inside of me. I know it is there and I can feel it. It makes me feel restless, then weak, then as if I am collapsing in on myself, being consumed by the black hole that sits at the centre of my being. The only way I know how to stop this happening is to fill up on emotional content from other people and in particular you. The more emotional attention I get, so much the better. The terror of oblivion soon vanishes and then the weakness fades. It does not take too long for the sensation of restlessness to evaporate and then I am on the up once more. I feel empowered, omnipotent and capable of anything. The more of this emotional content that keeps coming my way then the greater my sense of power becomes, the greater my capability to achieve and I am then that which I know myself to be. That weakened individual is not me. That is just the product of the cruelties of the world that have been heaped up against me. That is the outcome of the malice and treachery that I have to deal with. That is what created that weak individual and I do not recognise him. He has no standing with me and I banish him so readily when I receive the emotional attention which I am entitled to. You once were really, really good at giving me this emotional attention. You did it in a positive way. You loved me in a way that nobody else has done (at least so far as in that I care to remember) and I know that you still love me but there is something different now and the void is making its presence known more than it ought to and certainly more than I want it to. I know what to do though. I always know what to do. I need to flick the switch and now cause that torrent of negative emotional attention to come from you. It is easily done. I know lots of ways of doing it. What makes it even better is that the change from adoration to abhorrence is so marked, such a contrast that your reaction is increased, magnified and boosted. This means all the more of your negative emotional reactions for me to drink in. I have a toolkit full of various manipulations. I have been using some of the tools on you already, although you were so blinded by the brilliance of my seduction you did not notice. It will be different now. Some of the tools are very subtle and you will have no idea that I am controlling you. Others are pretty brutal and you won’t be able to miss them. I wish you hadn’t changed but it has happened. I don’t delight in doing this you know; I just have to do it. It is necessary for my survival and I am of course more important than you, or at least, that is what I keep telling myself. After all, that has to be true hasn’t it? If you were more important than me, you would not find yourself in this situation would you? You wouldn’t be about to face systematic abuse which will leave you hurt, upset, bewildered, exhausted, worried, anxious, terrified, puzzled and near broken. I’m not the one who is going to suffer. You are. You might consider this a punishment for failing to keep up the correct standard of emotional attention that I need. If you do, so be it. Punishment or not, it has to happen because I have to fill that void. Being able to extract such negative emotional attention from you stands as a true measure of my power over you and this is what all of this is about, power. I have to feel powerful because if I do not then I vanish and I do not want that to ever happen. I have realised that the only way that I am able to feel powerful is by harnessing the emotional responses of other people and yours most of all. I suppose you do have some importance then don’t you, just not as much as me.
Don’t take it personally. I have done this to plenty of other people like you. I thought they would prove effective in providing me the emotional attention but despite my best endeavours, careful selection and giving nature, they still malfunctioned. It is very disappointing. In order to fix the situation, I need to change the nature of my interaction with you so that I hurt you. There are thousands of ways of doing this. I may call you names, I may stop having sex with you, I may punch you, I may take your money away, I may stop you seeing your friends, I may just stand and stare at you, I may stop speaking to you, I may disappear, I may have an affair well probably more than one, I may not offer any help to you around the house, I may hide your possessions, I may smash things up, I may disagree with you repeatedly and so much more. There are so many different ways to extract that negative emotional attention. Think of it like a torturer just trying to extract information. He does not care about who you are, he just wants his goal; the information. I am just the same. You do not matter to me. I am not doing this because of who you are, it is what you have failed to do and my goal is to get your negative emotional attention and to do so repeatedly.
It’s not all bad news though. I will flick the switch and be delightful to you again and provide you with some respite from my seemingly ceaseless horrible behaviour. Don’t be mistaken and think that I am doing that because I care about you or because I have suddenly seen the error of my ways. I know you and others like you see my ways as wrong, but I seem them as necessary. I will offer you some respite so you don’t leave until I decide it is time for you to go. I do it because I feel that the contrasting positive fuel that you will provide – the relief, the joy, the thanks – will serve me well in filling the void. I don’t expect it to last but it will at least stop you from leaving me and allow you some form of recovery before I flick the switch once more and away we go again. You can expect this to go on for as long as I can keep drawing sufficient emotional attention from you. Back and forth we will go. One day good. The next bad. The next good. The next two bad. It will leave you completely baffled, confused and deranged but that suits me fine. That way you won’t be able to think straight. I do not want you making any calm and rational decisions. Heavens no, you might actually work out what I am and decide to get away from me and I cannot have my supremacy and authority challenged in that manner. I say when things happen around here.
I would say sorry for what is about to happen but eventually you will realise that I rarely say that word and if I do I never mean it. I just use it as another way of getting what I want. That’s a fact. It just the way I am. Deal with it. Well, I suppose I had better open up the toolkit and select the first dark instrument to use against you because I am starting to feel restless already and something needs to be fed.
With mechanical action N.Arc x”
67 thoughts on “A Poisoned Pen”
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“I have to feel powerful because if I do not then I vanish and I do not want that to ever happen. I have realised that the only way that I am able to feel powerful is by harnessing the emotional responses of other people and yours most of all. ”
Although narcissists have a sense of entitlement and you are convinced, think and feel that you are superior to the rest, why is it that you do not feel automatically powerful, HG? (You would not need to gather any fuel.)
Because of the void.
Thank you.
Not for cyber friends. I was trying to be helpful but some people become defensive.
HG,
Windstorm and Sue 423 were comparing our support for each other to AA or Al-Anon-I said we should call our group NarcAholic anonymous with your approval. Then Indy added her take. I said the only difference is that our group has a master teacher and their’s do not.
Thanks HG:)
Ellie what part of this blog is addicting may I ask? I am just wondering if maybe reading the comments are addicting since you have moved on from needing help. like cyber friends.
I agree at first you must understand but I found that I became addicted to reading and that kept me stuck. I’m only speaking from my own point of view. It might be very different for others. I don’t read about narcissism the way I used to it took over my life.
In order to HEAL, you must first understand. HG makes you understand by putting it all straight up in your face. Again, key in life is to first understand….
Amen Ms. Brown!
I find it is helpful to read to identify any potential narcissists but to actually heal I needed to find the triggers in me because they did belong to me. I share a child with the narcissist and believe me he is still trying but because the triggers are gone he doesn’t get his fuel so he probably sees me as a waste of space. That’s a very good place to be.
He doesn’t affect me anymore. I do have an interest in the topic but it’s not keeping hooked on his behaviour. I guess we all heal in different ways but for me I had to disengage from the topic completely for a while to find me again.
Victoria, thank you for your kind words
My gratitude for sharing your inner thoughts with us HG! I know that you know how powerful this is and how comforting it is for us to be informed! Just wondering. . . .does it make you feel better to open up your thoughts in this way-no facade or pretense? Just to be yourself?
I think there is a catharsis attached to it, yes.
Hi, Ellie,I believe,that is the third way, HG suggested. Do not let them influence your thoughts about yourself. It is only their distorted and twisted view at us. I read much more about their kind in the last half year and now I believe it is a mixture of genes, difficult upbringing, abuse and I will call it – a different brain structure. The different brain structure causes a lot of their behaviour. They really do not feel empathy, guilt and other things- which are important for “normal ” people. Therefore it is not possible for them to learn to feel empathy. It will always be a cognitive decision to show and to “fake” empathy. They are able to take a look insight of them, when it is not avoidable. It is a huge effort for them to do so. They normally do not have the capacity to do so.
I believe that you can learn to lose your codepency issue. That is only the result of an upbringing through/ by a narcissist, who let you believe that it is your role to be codependent. They changed a normal, empathetic child into a codependent. A codependent has the full range of feelings (including anger which is underdeveloped) and a cognitive capability to recognise the fallacy how to behave and feel about others. They have the ability to build up boundaries and to feel the anger, which is needed to leave abusive people of all kinds.
I spent a year learning everything I could and realised I was no further forward. Triggered by him often, avoiding places etc. Instead I starting dealing with my codependency issues and looking at my part in the dance and now I’m free of the triggers. Without my emotions I look back at a powerless weak man unable to effect me.
Ellie, your narcissist is still affecting you. You are here, no? Reading HG, although you feel reading him does not really help you get away. But listen. We claim that we are so honest, so let us be. There is not one single person in here who is narcfree (yet). For obvious reasons. Now, are HG’s writings help? Definately. We are looking for answers. He is giving plenty-answers that you can find nowhere else, period. He is giving tools. We can use them. He is also the best antidote to “our” narcissist. He is superior to him. Not only because he is a Greater and all that, but because he is a narcissist who has overcome himself. Extremely difficult for anyone to accomplish. Some women here are even a bit in love with him. Which is ok, I guess, because HG is to them a”safer danger”. He can definately be dangerous, but he doesn’t care to become dangerous in here. So they get the thrill, they can spend hours wondering if HG is really blond and 6.1, they can sleep with his voice in their ears, dream about being his favorite tertiary source, beat their narcissist with the best narcissist there is, and still be safe. So, I also believe that reading this blog and all his work, is the best you can do. I agree that it can absorb you a bit too much, but when all this is really over, you will just stop reading it. Mission accomplished, simple as that. Will HG miss some of his tertiary sources when they are healed? I don’t think so. Plenty of others will join-good for them.
M. Thank you for your statement-I could not have said better! I agree with everything you wrote and am happy to be on this blog with people like you! Thanks again 🙂
Excellent
I think in the aftermath you are dealing with an awful addiction. Narcissist condition you and think in the beginning it is vital to understand what you are dealing with but if you keep reading over and over about the narcissist recovery isn’t going to happen. Whatever they do and for whatever reason doesn’t matter anymore they are extremely toxic and damaging and by continually reading about what they do I believe is keeping the addiction alive. Only my opinion
Indeed and you are welcome to express it. In this instance of course the best medicine tastes the worst but it is highly effective.
Hi Ellie,
For me it is quite the opposite. The more I read HG’s books and the articles in this blog, the better I feel, the more I heal and the more empowered I feel by the knowledge HG is providing. No where else can you find the total and unvarnished revelation of what a narcissists thinks and does, and believe me I researched and read other books written by psychiatrist, they didn’t come close. Since all empaths are “sitting targets” for narcissist, I need to know all their is about them so I can see and not ignore the red flags when they come my way.
The gift to all victims which HG provides is immeasurable and the only way that I have been able to stay in No Contact-nothing else worked.
I thank HG daily in my thoughts. So again, Thank you HG!
Mysti, a compulsion is something not healthy for a person and it has a psychological root.
No, with HG it’s a choice, it’s a strategy, it is the most convenient thing to do.
He doesn’t see the advantages in acting differently.
For the sake of accuracy, some of my actions are instinct and arise from compulsion. I accept other are by choice but governed by a need which causes the choice to go in a particular direction.
I completely concur.
HG,
Has that changed for you a bit since the good doctors? Less compulsion due to awareness?
In certain instances yes.
Ellie I do agree with you that HG is keeping things alive in us if that’s what we want. I do find myself looking at this blog more some days than others but I have total control of my actions so I make myself say no you don’t get on with life. So it is up to the individual what they take from it. HG if you really think of it can do us no harm, it’s the way the individuals interpretation of it occurs. Personally I am very happy to receive all this information from HG but I am in control, nobody else.
I strongly agree with you that we need to give the time to us to recover. I have done this by lots of reading, mindfulness, becoming friends with my inner child, counselling, CBT, having my tarot cards read and now more recently hypnotherapy. Yes I was almost at rock bottom wanting to just end my life but no I have fought this and realised that I played an unknown part in this. I have found out I do have real worth and most of all I have eradicated the people that have caused my subconscious pain to be awoken the narcs. It’s a long road but once you are there it is worth every moment. So yes introspection and act on it is a must. I feel like a new person somehow. My great days outweigh the difficultime ones now. HG I thank you for being part of my recovery, whoever you are. But I know you don’t care about me 🙂
SVR,
Great Success. Happy to hear that you are recovering nicely. It’s encouraging to others. Thanks for sharing that. ☺
Is there another way to fill the void besides hurting pple? Have you discussed this with the good doctors? It breaks my heart when i read about the constant restlessness and cycles of weakness you experience. When my ex was depressed, he used to say ‘i am a failed human being’ even though he was very successful. I think this is the weakness you talk about. But he’s over his depression now and back to his arrogant self 😂
Yes positive fuel but sometimes only negative will do.
“… but sometimes only negative will do”
No HG pls! Try to live with positive fuel only! You can do it! Stop the madness!! 😫
https://youtu.be/fzqn6Z_Iss0
Interesting, isn`t it? You are not responsible for your brain structure. But you are responsible after awareness. You can go and leave without devastation of females. Your ugly treatment of females is not necessary. Hop from one to the other. It is not our task, responsibility or guilt to provide your kind with any kind of fuel to avoid your emptiness, void and felt boredom. Take a fast car, go on for dangerous adventures worldwide and replace females, but leave them with respect. Casanova did (as far as I know). You should do it too. It is a cognitive decision, free of negative emotions. Be a “prosocial psychopath.”
Watch this space Mona, there is more on the way in that regard.
Did you use a mechanical pencil to write that? It figures.
I know I’m slow, but what does N.arc x mean?
It means ‘Narc” and it is a kiss on the end.
The broken are the more evolved…
Narcs are compelled to do what they do. Geezus. That’s so sad.
What would happen if you talked about this black hole instead of blindingly feeding it?
After all you are it’s victim too. If it wasn’t for it you could have a happy, lasting and fulfilling relationship if you wanted to. You wouldn’t have to hide your nature anymore. You could be the same powerful and successful man but free. It wouldn’t be that bad.
Narcs are compelled to do what they do. Geezus. That’s so sad.
Nice to know that the trauma wasn’t meant personally …. :/
HG, in how far do you think that when that feeling of restlessness vanishes through the provision of fuel, it has to do with brain chemistry / neuro transmitters?
Great letter btw.
Thank you Ava101. I do not know enough about brain chemistry/ neuro transmitters as that is not my field. I daresay there must be some link though.
Thank you, HG.
You are welcome.
Is this advice just aimed at the people who first come out of the abusive situation? I do like to read what you write but seriously after a long time you don’t feel like this anymore. My best advice is not to focus on the narcissist behaviour but on your own recovery, all HG is doing is keeping the addiction alive. Pretty sure you won’t let this past your modification
I thought you wouldn’t allow it though. You aren’t helping anyone. You are encouraging poor souls to keep looking for validation or accountability. Never going to happen. Never!!
Ellie,
We all know we will never get validation or accountability from our abusers, however, we did get it from HG in his blog posts, comments, e-mails and books. Not only have I learned how to protect myself, my family and my friends from narcissistic abuse, I was also given the keys to free myself from my emotional prison. For the first time in my life I am narc free and I am never going back and I owe it all to HG, his blog and the community. He is the only person who has ever truly helped me, and I will always be eternally grateful for that.
Hi Ellie,
Would you say the same about a blog dealing with drugs or sex addiction? What about Alcoholics Anonymous? My brother has been going to AA everyday, and I mean everyday , for at least 7 years. I have no doubt that it has been instrumental in helping him stay sober. He has forged a lot of great relationships with people just like himself. They are supportive and he knows he has a place to go if he needs help in anyway. He feels normal. So much of society is extremely judgemental if you’re sturrgling with an issue and usually tells people to slap a bandaid on their broken arm (so to speak). “Just stop what you’re doing.” ” just leave him” Without really giving you good information. You don’t get that here. You get facts, truth, and support from some very good people who are looking for help/answers and willing to share their experiences and as you can see from the outpouring of responses to your comments, support each other. HG creatively informs us with the truth with his excellent writing abilities. His style of writing is captivating and helps you understand his kind and yourself in a deep way that I have never seen before. Some are quite funny too!
Do I think this blog is a business? Yes. He has stated numerous times that he isn’t doing this becuase he cares.
But I do know is that everything he has written about has been spot on as it pertains to my life!!!
I am very grateful for Him and that this blog and his books exists . It has helped me tremendously in a good direction.
I hope you stick with it and keep an open mind. Try your best to be honest with yourself ❤
Sues423,
Someone a few weeks ago referred to this blog as a support group (sorry I don’t remember who). I found it interesting when you mentioned AA. People continue to regularly go to AA meetings for decades after they get sober.
For me the comments here remind me of a sort of cyber AlAnon group. People keep going to AlAnon for years. Its not detrimental to them to keep hearing about alcoholism and other members situations. Instead it can be helpful and informative to learn about both the similarities and differences that their situation has with others.
I asked my mother in law once why she kept going to meetings 20 years after my father in law got sober. She explained that others were there to listen and share with her when she needed it and now it was her turn to listen and share with those who needed it. That goes on here as well.
Like you, I’m very grateful that HG is maintaining this blog, making his incredibly informative and authentic posts and allowing all of us to learn from and support each other.
I agree with Windstorm 2 and Sue423 why don’t we call our group
narcaholics anonymous-with HG’s approval of course. Like AA and Al anon and all the anonymous groups that sprouted from AA, this group is a support group where victims help each other on a daily basis. The only advantage we have over the above groups is that we interact with our teacher, mentor and guru, HG Tudor. What are your thoughts on this HG?
What group is this Victoria?
As a former AlAnon member myself, we would need to blend in the 12 steps, 12 traditions and the definition of codependency would need to be considered. And, with all that said, a 12 step NarcAholuc group is so needed and would do a ton of good.
Since we would use the teachings of HG though, we’d need to call it something else as 12 step is a certain defined structure. So perhaps everyone can come up with a new name and structure it around HG teachings….
Now, CODA is a great 12 step too for codependent relationships, just an FYI.
On with the names!!
HG is being honest about what he is. He can no more change himself than an empath can. It’s up to us not to fall for his seduction (have you heard his YouTube audio) and instead focus on the truth he speaks!
There is no better way to learn than from the, so to speak, horse’s mouth.
Hi Ellie .
I was told something similar by my councilor .” NNS you know you shouldn’t be reading things like this it reinforces the abuse” Now then NNS what do you like to do any hobbies or interests? what about taking up photography NNS ? ” My reply if I’d had the guts to say it would have been “do you HONESTLY think that after 15 “”ing years with a lying, controlling ,manipulative, violent abuser I’d have a “”g hobby . WTF is taking a few pictures going to achieve ?!
” I want answers! ”
I politely ended my counseling with her at that point & eventually found those answers here. Without it I’d still be searching .
The letter perfectly illustrates what happens during devaluation & if it helps just one person realise what they are going through maybe, just maybe they’ll get out sooner .
Just my thoughts . ( no offence)
NNS 🙂
Not So Sad,
Exactly why I avoid all therapist. I watched a few videos on Youtube and thought, if you want to fight a narcissist, then you need to have one on your side to teach you how to do it. It worked. You are correct; a hobby will not answer any of your questions, and I am happy you disengaged with your therapist and were able to find your answers here. You made the right choice.
Thank you K .
I don’t want to make any of my posts about me , but I can only reflect on my experiences much like HG does with the ” Good Doctors”
Disengaging was my only choice apart from punching her in the face and saying you really have no idea how I feel do you ? lol .
Thanks again K .
NNS 🙂
Pictures? Silly us! We’ve been reading and searching for answers to why we’re experiencing abuse and all we had to do was take some pictures! Crap! Just like Mom always said, “take some pictures and feel a whole lot better”. Hahaha!!😜
I prefer his writings. Whenever he writes about himself, I replace him with my Narc, and then I see how the Narc was reasoning and some are real triggers. Its really helped me to figure things out. Things that I could not figure out by reading generic material on NPD. Now I am actually hinking straight, and as evil as HG Tudor is, I just say thanks be to God I found his website and Facebook page. Whatever made him start this series, be it dark motives and intentions, I have been helped a lot. Mind you, not even with private consultation. Just be reading the posts and the comments here. I propose he continues, not that he was going to stop anyways. He may get healed one day. I think he thinks he is God, or is it, he is the next one to God, or something close, but whatever it is, he’s done a good job and I pray that when he gets respite from his evil condition, he can enlighten the world more on how that came about. You never know.
And then most importntly, I like that he uses simple everyday language to explain the condition. Most wiritngs on NPD is so complex, and some of the terminology nd theories do not make sense at all. We have no psychological theories here. We just have a simple explanation – no beating around the bush. Its about as raw as it gets. I love it, even though I shudder at the thought of such a creature, but I was raised by them so there’s really nothing to fear expect that I should not empower myself against them and continue in this misery.
So if you didn’t have this void, you wouldn’t be doing this? If one day, the void disappeared, could you imagine this? What it would be like not to have the void for a week. Are you game on writing about this, about what you think it would be like?
About what I think it would be like if I had no void inside of me?
Um, I do not remember what I was thinking when imposed this question 😂 But rereading I Think what I meant at that time was would you be willing to write about what you think it would be like if you didn’t have a void. Writing as if you didn’t have a void.
Yes I would be willing to do that.
Could you do that for us? I know, books first!
In time.
“Yes i would be willing to do that”
You are sooo sweet when you try to honour our requests! Hugs!