In Love With A Married Man
You think about me every day. You wait for those teasing and tempting text messages which come through repeatedly during the day and then dry up around 6pm when you know that I am home with her. Once in a while there might be a sudden text at 9pm telling you that she has popped in the bath and that I love you, I miss you and I hate being apart from you. The text also warns you against replying and therefore all you are able to do is touch the glowing screen and try to feel the sentiment behind these electronic messages of desire.
How you cherish that period around 5-30 pm when every day we speak on the ‘phone, just you and I. I am driving home from the office and I use the half an hour or so to regale you with my compliments and to issue those promises that perhaps one day I will be driving home to you. Whatever you are doing you always ensure that you are available and your ‘phone line is free in order to engage in this call. You now arrange social engagements to take place later or you remain at your workplace, ensconced in the office, appearing to be engaged in a business call, save that you smile far too much for something that is work-related. That half an hour of heaven when we talk as if we were properly together, making plans, discussing the things we like and dislike, planning the next time we can snatch some time to make love without being detected or laughing about what was discussed when we met for lunch.
You manage to arrange to have lunch with me at least once a week. We deliberately choose a place that neither is likely to be recognised in and we place ourselves around the corner and out of sight. Hands held beneath the table and then removed when the waiter nears us, just in case. Stolen kisses, lingering looks and promises, oh so many promises of the wonderful world that awaits us once I manage to free myself of the chains of my marriage.
You listen carefully and attentively, showing the empathy for which you were chosen as I make oblique references to my miserable home life. Each time you gently press for more information to enable you to understand what it is that I have to endure. What it is that I have to put up with and what it is that has driven me into your arms? I try not to say too much at first. I do not want our oh too brief times together to be spoiled by my tale of woe, but your sympathetic ear proves irresistible and I allow you to learn of the injustices that I suffer on a daily basis.
“We just do not get on any longer.”
“She lost interest in me sexually three years ago. I am amazed I have lasted this long.”
“Nothing I seem to do is good enough. No matter how hard I try, she always finds something to criticise.”
You listen and nod. I know you are desperate to weigh in and slide a knife between me and her and cut our bonds, but the decency that you are imbued with prevents you from doing so. You even suggest reasons why this state of affairs is as it is. You are kind, generous and understanding.
You thrill to my sudden calls out of the blue. You always answer after one ring, sometimes even less, thus denoting that your ‘phone is kept next to you at all times. Your voice always tells me how delighted you are to hear from me. When we meet your eyes, your kiss, your hugs and your spoken enthusiasm cause me to soar as I witness your devotion and desire.
You experience a surge of excitement when you are disturbed by a chime in the middle of the night and see that I have managed to issue another text to you.
I cannot get you out of my head and had to let you know. Don’t reply, I am in bed with her.
The delight that you experience at hearing from me when you expected not to is tempered by the knowledge that I am with her and not you.
The weekends are hardest as you often tell me. I can tell you want to say more but I know you are fearful of pushing me away by being too demanding. I text you when I can and even managed to call you, speaking in hushed tones from a toilet cubicle or a changing room in a department store, stifling my laugh that I have pretended to try on some clothes just so I can call you.
I keep you hooked though. I know how much you want me. I know you love me and I know you want me to be loved, to take me away from the misery of my marriage. I promise you that one day we will be together. Now is not the time, it isn’t quite right at the moment, there’s a family event coming up and it wouldn’t be sensible to drop such a bombshell with that on the horizon, there is a family holiday she booked it and I didn’t know until now but what can I do? I will have to go. I keep the promises coming and the excuses flowing and still you hang on.
I know you wonder why I keep my ‘phone close to me. You haven’t said anything yet but I am not stupid. I can see the suspicion in your eyes when I wake and immediately check my mobile.
“I am waiting for an important e-mail that may have come in from the States overnight,” I explain and issue a disarming smile. You nod. You seem to accept the explanation.
You have complained how you are unable to ever get me on my ‘phone when you ring when I am on my way home. How many times have you left messages asking me to pick up some milk or to collect one of our children from swimming or football only for me to pick the message up too late?
“I need to be available for my clients. They don’t know I am driving home nor do they care; they need to speak to me. After all, if it wasn’t for them we wouldn’t have this would we?” I explain pleasantly sweeping an expansive arm at the large house and expensive furnishings all around us. You nod in acceptance. You understand my work is important. I tell you often enough that it is.
“I wish you would meet me for lunch when I come into town,” you say every week or so. I kiss your forehead and tell you that I wish that I had the time to enjoy lunch with the woman I love but it is a sandwich and a bottle of fizzy water at my desk for me. There are targets to hit. You nod in understanding and tell me that I work too hard. I thank you and my mind drifts to what I will eat in that Thai restaurant I will be having lunch in tomorrow.
“I wish they would leave you alone,” you sigh when I turn away from you in bed after having made love to you. Your hand lingers on my back, wanting to maintain the closeness and the connection as I attend to my ‘phone on the night stand and issue a late night text before placing it face down.
“I know but it saves waking up to a problem,” I say before turning back to you and kissing you as we nestle in our marital bed.
I know you cherish our weekends together when the demands of the working week intrude less on our domestic life. I can sense you looking at me as I sit, phone in hand, a smile of contentment playing across those lips but nowhere near as wide as the smile inside of me as I fire off a tempting and teasing message.
“Just seeing if Dan is available for squash next week. Tuesday night, so I will be back late,” I say across the room by way of explanation, opening up a gap in the week for someone other than you. You smile and nod and return to your book.
“I love you,” I say suddenly and you look up, the devotion and desire burning in your eyes and it seems so familiar almost making me say something, but the thought passes and I wallow in the admiration and love that you send towards me. You have never ceased to do that.
You do not know about her.
She thinks she knows all about you.
Neither of you really know what I am.
26 thoughts on “In Love With A Married Man”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
What pushes a narcissist to leave the wife?
Please see the article 5 Reasons We Discard (Dis-engage)
Stephanie,
Mine used to repeatedly say “I will never leave my wife for anyone. I would die first”. Said moments after having sex with me.
Oh the dramatics!
HG has a large vocabulary, high IQ and the gift of self-reflection. Definitely not the President in Thief.
This was a reply to the Trump comment. Posted in the wrong place.
I was involved with a married narcissist who made me believe we were soulmates for quite a few years. He was telling me exactly the same stuff that HG is describing in his article : no sex with wife, feeling sorry for her but will leave her as soon as the kids are out of school bla bla. I was discarded for a younger fuel, his own junior employee that he seduced within a couple of months of her starting working for the organization. He is charming, smart executive with evil personality He made a mistake to tell me about affairs and fertishes for Asian women – mostly Filipino women – maybe because they are often considered more vulnerable ? When I exposed him and confronted him, the rage was unbelievable, the swearing, projection and insults were as I was the worst human being on Earth. Yet, just a few days before he still was keeping me on the back burner and planning romantic gateway … I would like to warn anyone who is involved with a married narcissist that there is no future with them. I think the worst are the high functioning narcisists who need to keep their reputation in tact but are not afraid to seduce their own employees . Hard to believe that he is not afraid of sexual harassment charges. HG what do you think about that ? If she ever gets pissed off he could loose his job. So far she likes the attention and takes advantage of getting better job tasks and enjoys being sent to conferences etc. She is an union employee and he is one of the top managers. I am amazed how they all act the same and use the same lines to manipulate and seduce you.
My male friendssociates are all married. I like that. It is safety. HG. You are the only unmarried male with whom i keep in voluntary contact. Just to make things clear…i am not in love with them or you. I am unable to love.
That’s very sad Jaded but to an extent true. I can still love my family , care for the few friends I have, but as it stands I’ll never allow myself to trust or fall in love with another man, the pain’s still till too raw.
I was the “wife”( not legally) he lived in my home, depended on me financially and contributed very little… he was a parasite. I worked long hours, shift work. I cooked, cleaned looked after my children, did all to the best of my ability. In fact I was spent. In the four years we were together , I never suspected a thing, but the last 2.years, though I did not have any proof… my gut knew. He no longer wanted to have sex with me( saying he thought he was asexual or that I was too old).Also the silent treatments would come out of nowhere and he would disappear for days , sometimes a week at a time.He was becoming increasingly cruel and even violent. So yes I knew…. but didn’t want to know… but started planning my escape( or moreover deleting, erasing him) I had help with a therapist. At that point I needed the strength to follow through.My brain knew but my emotions were irratic.Recently I met the other woman. She approached me in a coffee shop. She was wild eyed and distraught and in tears as she introduced herself and asked if I could help her. Against my better judgement, my empathy won out I bought her a cup of coffee and let her talk. She is older than me, on disability for a brain injury that occurred years before and living in subsidized housing.Because of him( I guess he was even worse to her) she had lost custody of her child, and he had stolen whatever merger savings she had. To put it simply, she is a mess.my heart actually hurts for her. I gave her the card of a decent therapist and actually directed her to your site HG.I told her, read this blog, digest it, believe it. I really truly hope it can give you some closure. So so sad the damage that occurs from interacting with these types of people. I count my blessings daily. I am one of the lucky ones.
Nope.
Man is a not really the appropriate word now, is it?
Whatever Trump. You know your wife and entire family are robots. I know you’re the f***ing Dalai Lama and you’re a damn Asian man. You poop in a litter box every day. You have a crusty, smelly ass right now, because you fail to bathe yourself properly!
Wtf..HG doesn’t need my defence but wtf…have you sniffed and that’s how you know? I doubt he is TRUMP.
I’m not. I say ‘huge’ not ‘yuge’.
HG ISTJ Tory, from the Northwest of England (judging by your accent) Highly educated Elite who I imagine goes for posh drives to the Lake District in your Aston Martin. Versus ESTP Somatic Trump with no education to speak of. No wonder we can’t spot the next Narc coming with that much variability!
Emotive heroin. Run away from the dragon, run as fast as you can!
It’s like you’ve described my life. The one was caught up with was (still is) married. He was quite adamant that he was never leaving his wife for me. “I would die first” he used to say to me. My predecessor. He claims that he “almost” left his wife for her but came to his senses because she was crazy. I wonder if that was even true. I am sure he discarded my predecessor the way he discarded me.
I’ve said it before and I will say it again. I wish I was a fly on the wall to see how his wife lives. I feel like seeing this is the only way for me to wake the fuck up and realize I deserve better. It really is like a drug addiction (well in my perception anyway). Why does his wife stay and deal with his infidelitous (I know that is not a real word) bullshit?
There are many reasons why a person puts up with this behaviour Gabrielle:-
1. They may not know about it;
2. They are co-dependent;
3. Their inherent empathic nature means they want to fix things, they blame themselves for the narc’s behaviour;
4. They may feel unable to leave – children, family, money, shame etc
Reblogged this on No Way Back and commented:
Is this what he was thinking?
I was.. he left her for me.. I left because he was an idiot .. but too late .. took all my money, dignity, love and how away. Hoovered, had me hooked again.. and again and afgain until I finally said stop and left again. Is it over? From me YES for him Never.. he is a useless piece of shit!!!
Oh oh disaster :/
The really strange thing is: I know him, I know who and what he is and because of you, HG, I even know why acts as he does. But I’m just happy when I phone with him and until now nobody else could give me such a feeling.
This is my situation in a nutshell kripke. I know its wrong and now know all ill ever need to know about the narc im with but yet im still drawn to him. I feel guilt and shame over not doing the right thing and ending it years ago. I deserve whatever heartbreak comes my way as a result. My situations the reverse. He gives me my thrill where there was none in the marriage. Not just sexually but just being together and our fun flirtatious ways and shared interests. Were compatible in so many ways but i knew from the get go there would be no future. In fact id not want one with him other than to stay as friends. I cant envision the narc never being in my life as weve shared so much. I know its wrong and i should end it yet i cant. Ive tried and i cant. Its so complex. Theres never been future faking unlike in this scenerio. Ive known it would never amount to anything substantial yet hes become so substantial. I can really relate to this storyline. Its difficult reading it tho and makes me realise how wrong this is and i feel deep shame over it. If i could go back i wouldve never gotten into this kind of situation much less with a narcissist.
That was me for 8 years until I was discarded for younger supply, although he still tried to keep me in the back burner. Don’t think you have so much in common. They are experts at pretending and manipulating to get what they want. 6 months later I am still devastated as the discard came suddenly and unexpected. Week ealier we were still planning little get away. I feel terrible for his wife and ashamed I believed in all his crap. NOT worth it! Small chance they will ever leave their wives…Now he is promising the same to his new supply – naive or calculated 25 year younger employee who thinks she is special. Tried to warn her but she thinks her big boss (Executive of a public organization) is really in love with her. … good luck lol
Just hurt… .im sorry you were discarded after 8 yrs that must be terribly painful. That is in the back of my mind. My situations a bit different in that im the married one and im certain im not the only one in his life. Thats why hes so patient and understanding. Rarely gets upset. Never demanding. All because i think hes got a few secondaries like myself. At first i felt insecure over this but in all reality its ridiculous to expect a single man all his life to have me as his one and only. Im sure he has a few others and younger too. It doesnt bother me anymore. What does is the fact im playing with fire bc hes a narcissist and i forget that a lot and place too much trust in him and his being there for me. Depending on him when i need to depend on myself. Also i know its wrong and that weighs heavily. The codependancy is what bothers me. I wish he wouldve been like other narcs and discarded me years ago. One discard and i wouldve never went back. I know what he is and that is great and useful but where to go from there is what i struggle with.
I definitely dont think im his one and only and havent for most of our relationship.
he is whatever they need him to be. Both of them know that.