Saying Nothing To Tell You Everything
The Silent Treatment. One of our most potent methods of manipulation. Whether it is a present silent treatment where we talk to everyone else around you but not you or whether it is an absent silent treatment where we disappear and cannot be found or contacted, we know that this is highly effective. It does not matter if the silence lasts for ten minutes or ten days the impact on you is considerable and your reaction is always the same. That is, of course, the main reason that we do it. You will repeatedly ask us what is wrong as you fail to understand what it is that we are doing. You will hang around us, if that is possible, asking the same questions over and over again.
“What is wrong, please tell me?”
“What is the matter, I wish you would tell me?”
“What is it? Why aren’t you speaking to me?”
Your concern mutates into frustration and anxiety and even occasionally anger. All of these states suit us as we drink the fuel you are providing to us. If we absented ourselves then we will face a slew of text messages, e-mails and voicemail messages as you keep ringing every five minutes trying to establish contact with us. After a time the nature of the questioning changes as you shift from asking us what is wrong to hauling yourself over the coals. It is all so predictable. You ask yourself what is it that you could have done which has caused us such offence that we are no longer speaking to you. You analyse everything you have said and done over the last hour, the last five hours, the last day. Did you insult us in some way and not realise? Surely it was not that comment about our tie, that was a joke. Was that the catalyst for this silence? Did you fail to kiss us on our arrival home? You cannot remember but these days you often find that is the case since the days all seem to merge into one as you pad around trying not to tread on those eggshells. If only the tiredness would lift. You might be able to think straight then and be able to ascertain what is going on. You keep providing us with different suggestions and scenarios as to what has happened. You grope around, utterly unsure as to what it was that proved to be the trigger. You issue apologies and it gets to the point that you do not even know what you are apologising for but that does not matter does it? All you want is for this horrible silence, the aching absence to end. It has happened before and then it ended as arbitrarily as it arrived. You cling on to the hope that it will end as it did last time but then there is that gnawing doubt which keeps manifesting in your mind. What if it won’t end? What if this is it and we have gone for good? Surely not and for what reason? The doubt is horrible and you feel a rising sense of panic which causes you to redouble your efforts to find us and offer yourself up in sacrifice in order to get us to come back. Time after time we do this to our victims but they do not realise what our silence really means. They are trapped by fear, paralysed by indecision and this is naturally how we like it. This confusion and inability to really see what is going on serves our purpose.
What is our silence really telling you? It is telling you how we enjoy to play fast and loose with your feelings. It is telling you that we do not care about you. You mean nothing to us other than the fuel you provide. We are reminding you of how inferior you are to us. You are nothing more than an appliance which we can switch on and off, pick up and put down at our convenience. We are trumpeting our lack of respect for you and your identity. We are heralding our flagrant disregard for your well-being. We are telegraphing our disdain for our supposed responsibilities. We are reinforcing that you do not matter. Instead, you seek to eradicate the silence, you plan and arrange to do anything which you hope will dispel the absence of communication. Too caught up in trying to remove the unpleasant sensations that wrap around you, you fail to see the clear message that we convey to you each time we behave in this manner. We are behaving as we did when we were told we could not have another biscuit and we sat sulking until our worn-down parent gave in. Most people grow out of such conduct but not us. We saw the power it would wield over certain people (others of course would never countenance it and we knew never to show it to them or suffer the consequences) but everyone else would flock around us, flapping and attending to us and we realised just how we could wrap people around our little fingers so they gave us what we wanted. It was not the extra lollipop or permission to play out for an extra hour. It was attention and attention laced with emotion. Fuel. We may not have realised it then but we took this childish response and turned it into a weapon which causes you fear and frustration every time we unleash it. If only you could understand what we are really doing, then you would understand just how much we are truly telling you by saying absolutely nothing.
19 thoughts on “Saying Nothing To Tell You Everything”
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This couldn’t be more applicable to me! It angers me to think that for 18 years I suffered the present silent treatment under this man. Each and every time after a break up I would ask him back. But my eyes have finally opened after a first divorce and a second marriage. I’m leaving now for good. He now conveniently plays the victim.
It is only since I arrived on this blog that I am realising that silent treatments have become normal behaviour and almost acceptable to me because of being in narc company for so long. Although it has been normal to me, it was a midrange narc that highlighted my true perception of it, because he used the silent treatment way beyond what I believed was the normal scale. I am only realising now, that silent treatments are not acceptable behaviour or normal at all. Due to my new insight on what is normal behaviour and what is not, I am now becoming aware of my own children using this tactic too……..but not anymore…….silent treatments and disappearing off to their bedrooms for effect are now banned in my household!!!! If you think about it, we as parents could have our own hand in encouraging these silent treatments by sending children up to their bedroom and ignoring them for a while if they have done something that is deemed unacceptable, which is what I believe the “SUPER NANNY” advises. HG has already put me on the Naughty Step……which is what parents are also advised to do with their children when they are disobedient……hence giving them the silent treatment. We could be unwittingly assisting in raising the next generation of narcissists by pure ignorance whilst also encouraging the next generation of empaths, that silent treatment is actually acceptable……..Diva
12345 I get the bit about the therapy. Looking back I get very irritated that therapists and counsellors will always tell you to work on yourself, but this seems to be at the expense of knowing the motivations of others. You have to know what is coming at you is not created in your own head. And yes, some people really are out to get you.
So sick when it’s your whole family. obviously I’m sure I have traits of unhealthy narcissism so there’s always a nagging desire to keep the drama going, but more with showing the world who they are; however this time, my body is literally done snd with five against one, no genius but the odds are fairly against me even literally if I showed document after document of the frauds they are, not intelligent on my part to even care. Comes down to just simple time wasted.
I also know and knew it was coming, I made the slooow “grey rock” and boy they were quick to pick up that vibe so now “THEYRE dumping me, and don’t YOU forget it”. Which I silently laugh to myself cuz not the case, been screaming get me out my whole life…. just didn’t know what was really going on deep deep under them. Yowch.
My husband is a narcacisst. Can my marriage survive? I truly do love and Care about him. I’m only staying bcuz of the facts of love and marriage. I love and it’s pleasurable to me.
It can but only on his terms.
Behold the messiah, who fed 4 million empaths with 5 loaths and 2 hoovers
He’s not the messiah (I’m confused) – he’s a very naughty boy!
Who said Jehovah?
Apart from hoovering method posts, individual cadre explanations and disclosing which narcissist uses the silent treatment the most…
What has HG Tudor ever done for us?
I can only speak for me but HG has most certainly gotten me out of the narc ditch. I don’t care what he is. He has helped me far more than 40 years of therapy. Very expensive therapy. I do not minimize the information he has provided in any way and I couldn’t give two shits if he’s getting fuel from me. In my opinion, this is a symbiotic relationship not a romance. I’m fine to scratch his back if he scratches mine.
Yeah but… just let me… just gimme… just wait a…
I think you mentioned in one of your books that if we had only carried on with our daily activities and not panicked, eventually the silent treatment would have ended and you would have come to find us. If only we had known. Thank HG:)
I just love to know this stuff. I used to say to my ex “You are being very monosyllabic.” Now I know just not to bother saying anything. How liberating!
Thank you HG for providing a forum which strengthens those who have been exposed, and therefore tainted, by your kind. It’s quite therapeutic! The sites dedicated to “victims” — not so much. They seem to encourage continued victimhood. Your posts, however, ignite my determination to never be used and tainted again. I’m forever grateful.
Hmmm. Never got the disappearing silent treatment. Even when he was putting distance between us, he texted or called with reasons, or set up a reason why I might see him less over a period of time. Having been married and cheated on, I didn’t believe a word he said. Now I know he found my fuel life-sustaining and because I never gave him the impression that I’d stay no matter what, he did his best to ensure I wouldn’t leave him before he was ready to discard.
He did treat me to silent treatments when we were together which I found odd and amusing. Instinctively I knew not to let him know I was amused. I also knew, instinctively, that I’d done or said or didn’t do or say something to offend. Since I didn’t go around intentionally hurting people, I knew it was something trivial, hence my amusement. His behavior was that of a toddler! It was hilarious to see in a 6’5″ muscular grown man!
Having been raised with abusive parents, my perception of others’ anger and irrational disappointment was keen. And just as I knew as a child that I didn’t deserve the abuse doled out to me by my parents, I knew that my narc’s upset was over a petty or nonexistent offense.
So I never tried to figure out the offense for which he was punishing me. I’d concentrate on the movie or I’d pick up something to read.
Nine times out of ten, that would spark an argument, the subject of which seemed to have been plucked by him out of the clear blue sky. He would suck me in and my anger and frustration would rise and we’d be yelling back-and-forth until one of us would threaten to leave. But that never happened.
Instead, he’d say something to bring the argument to a low simmer and I’d close the deal and it was on to doing the dirty, which was the intended goal on both our parts.
Hey! I get drama. I was raised on it.
Thanks for this comment, well written!
Thank you, Sage Willow.
Not silence from him…
( exepct 2 years ago when he put me on the shelf, or discarded me temporarily?)
but it is worse:
he stopped engaging in all ours (once) favourite subjects.. by wich our unity was built…
Same here when I wanted to leave our marriage first he did everything he could and not have me leave. He finally got busted cheating and would not give me a second chance. It is good now divorced signed sealed delivered 1/17/18 although he kept texting I admit I was not over him what kept me strong my God my Jesus Christ told me I will never forsake you!He texted twice and did not answer do I feel much better yes I do, my sanity my bible my Lord first love him unconditionally❤️😜🙏☝️