The Hex on the Ex
The ex-partner. There will always be one when you engage with our kind because we accumulate them in the same way that people buy clothes, easily, frequently and prone to being in or out of fashion. We will readily forget about an ex as if they had never existed or resurrect them in order to prove what we had to endure before you came along or to remind you that you have fallen from grace and we should have stayed with your predecessor. The ex-partner is a staple ingredient in any of the triangulations which we deploy with you. You never know the truth about our ex partners from what we say. You may speak to them yourselves at some point and learn the truth, possibly even allying with one another but we will be busy with the new person, focusing on the replacement, happy to forget the exes or pedal more lies about them. Here are six of our favourite and typically contradictory lies about our exes.
- I was abused by them
Straight out of the gates and tearing along Sympathy Highway is the frequent refrain of how badly we have been treated by your predecessor. She or he was a monster, horrible and heartless. I treated him or her so well, like a prince or princess, giving that person so much love and attention and all they ever did was throw it back in my face. I gave them my all and I got nothing back but abuse. Violence, sexual humiliation, financial ruin, name-calling, silent treatments, you name it, I was subjected to it. My massive dose of projection is aimed at smearing the predecessor should they ever come near to you and attempt to convince you that I was actually the abuser. I also want you to feel sorry for me and with that delicious empathic nature of yours want to protect me from the beast, that harpy, that vicious ex who harmed such a precious and wonderful person such as me.
- I was trapped by them
She or he knew they were on to a good thing when they met me. I am a good person, always looking to help people, think the best of them and do the right thing. I have always been regarded as a catch of course and I know you will agree with me as I tell you that someone like me, beautiful, intelligent, well-read, urbane, successful, well-paid, entertaining and magnetic is quite the trophy. I can see you nodding in agreement. I don’t ask for much because I am giving and tolerant and I think they knew that about me because he or she took advantage of my better nature and trapped me as soon as they could. They made me move in with them/they moved in with me. They made me buy a house with them. They proposed to me within two weeks of meeting. I became pregnant/she fell pregnant within moments. I didn’t mind because I am such a firm believer in love but now when I look back I realise that I was take for a ride. They wanted to trap me and they did this by co-habiting/marrying/having a child so soon after meeting. I am not one to shirk my responsibilities and I stood by them notwithstanding how horrible they were to me once they knew I could not leave. Don’t misunderstand me, there is nothing wrong with moving in so soon or becoming engaged within weeks or conceiving in a matter of a month of two of meeting, but it has to be with the right person hasn’t it?
A massive reversal of roles as I tell you the truth of what has happened with the ex but reverse the roles and then use it to lay the ground for doing the same to you, with your blessing.
- They are crazy
I have to warn you about my crazy ex. She is obsessed with me. She won’t leave me alone. She checks my social media profile, I know, because my friends tell me and she uses fake profiles to leave me messages and comments. I would close my profiles down but why should I because that would be letting her win wouldn’t it? I She hangs around outside where I work and follows me to my house. She will probably try and speak to you and no doubt tell you lots of lies about me. Don’t believe a word of what she says. She just cannot get over the fact that I finished with her and she cannot let go. She has to know what I am doing because her life is so empty. She lives through me you see, but don’t worry, I know what she is up to and I will deal with her at the suitable time. You have no need to be afraid as I will look after you, but I felt it only right to warn you because she will obviously try and split us up, not that that is going to happen is it? Good, I am glad you nodded and smiled. She is totally off the scale.
More projection and smearing of the ex in order to keep the truth of my behaviour from you, paint them as the Crazy One and bind you closer to me as I appear to be the heroic defender.
- Better than you
I don’t know why I got with you. You treat me far worse than my ex. I should have stayed with him or her and never bothered with you. You just annoy me all the time. Not like her or him. He or she was wonderful, interesting and thoughtful and he or she loved me more than you could ever do. I don’t know why I let you lead me away from them, I must have been put under some kind of spell. Is that what you did? Did you charm me away from them in order to make us both unhappy? What a horrible person you are. She or he is a better cook/worker/entertainer/person/lover/parent/host than you. I must have taken leave of my senses when I chose you over them. You should look at them and learn from them and perhaps, just perhaps you might make amends for what you have done and make me happy again. I should go back to them, but why should I give you the satisfaction of hurting me again. I am going to make you work hard and give you a chance, because that is the type of person that I am, to make amends for the horrible thing you have done. You have a chance to make it up to me and to try harder. What are you waiting for?
- I still love her
I still love her. I do. Sometimes you meet somebody who has that effect and you have made me realise that I still love her, more than I love you. I know that may sound harsh but if you can take one thing away from you and I and that is that you have helped me realise what I truly feel and what I need. You will always have my thanks for that. I know this may hurt you but you should take solace from the fact that you have done something good and made me realise what is worth fighting for. I must go and win her back and tell her that I love her. I am sure you can find happiness for yourself somewhere but it is not with me. I know you love me, I am easy to fall in love with, but I want someone else more than I want you and you should know by now, I don’t accept second best. So, I am going to go now and be with the one I truly love.
Of course I don’t love anybody at all, but if this artifice brings fuel from you and from her, then I will say whatever is needed won’t I?
- She still loves me
What can I say? She loves me still and I suppose you shall just have to get used to that being the case. You should understand because I know how much you love me and she is the same. I guess we will just have to live with the fact that she will keep reaching out to me, wanting me and trying to come between us, but I know I can count on you to stop that happening can’t I? No, there is no need to approach her, I think it would only be upsetting, for both of you. I know, I cannot help but care about you both, for you are both special to me, but leave her be, let me handle it. The best thing that you can do is love me more than she does, adore me more than she does and do everything in your power to keep me here. It shouldn’t be hard should it, given I love you so much.
She actually hates me and never wants to see me again but there is nothing wrong with incentivising you to submit to my control and give me more fuel is there?
75 thoughts on “The Hex on the Ex”
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Number 5. The most awful, brutal thing at the time. Now I am so happy to be rid of that guy!!!!!!!
But of course HG-You have been the reason why I am starting to wake up happy in the morning with a smile on my face like I use to do before meeting him. I know we all thank you on this site and constantly let you know how grateful you are-I just wonder if you really know what we feel? Before finding your work and speaking to you I blamed myself thinking I had failed in some way. I just wanted to know “why, how, when, what and for how long” Well you have surpassed anything I hope to learn and as an added bonus you write beautifully and sound fabulous with that wonderful British accent.
My gratitude always!!!
OMG. #5 & #6 … Word for word. Is there a script?!?
Have just discovered your work. Not sure why you are sharing but thank you.
Knowledge is power – doesn’t explain most of the whys … But helps logically identify and emotionally separate a little when things happen.
G’day Skippi,
If you read in the About section in the menu bar this will tell you more about why this is being done.
If you keep reading here and also my books the ‘whys’ will be picked off for you.
Welcome on board.
🙂 Will head there now. Literally only just discovered your work in the last hour. Have read 3 articles so far.
Off to discover more ….
Lots of enlightenment to found here 🙂 …sounds like you’re about to have lots of OMG wake up calls Skippi. It’s a hell of a ride….. buckle up baby 😉
Skippi_oz,
Being an empath like you the “why’s” kept me searching until I found
HG’s books and this site. The first book I read, which kept me hooked to the way HG writes and 22 more books on Amazon, was Decipher then Fuel. The Why books 1 and 2 were also great as all his articles and the rest of his books. Finally you will get some answers to questions you have been asking yourself for a long time. HG is our teacher and mentor-you can only find out the truth about “all” types of narcissist, their behaviors and their mind through HG Tudor.
I hope this helps,
As always, Thanks HG!
Skippi,
I mean to say the books, “Ask the Narcissist and Ask 2” they definitely answer a lot of “Why’s” but then again, all of his books do. The way HG writes is simple, brilliant and to the point. You will find it hard to put his books down. One Saturday I read 2-I was thirsty for knowledge and I still am. The more you know the more you want to know-their is so much to know. In order to avoid being ensnared by another narcissist, which all empaths are susceptible to, we must get empowered by knowledge. HG is the reason we are all staying sage and in No Contact with our ex’s and hopefully stay Narc. free in the future.
Thank you Victoria.
Gabriellemy ex narc was also very intelligent and used to downplay it all the time it’s amazing it’s like the cut out of the same cloth such similarities
VParribas,
Yes it is! He told me tales of woe of how an ex-GF told him that he was not intelligent. He then would put himself down saying that he made himself “seem” that way. I do not think he knows what he is (he’s a middle range) but some of the shit he would say really has me wondering if he does know.
Gabriellle, my ex UMRN would always say smilingly I’m only a little intelligent but now I realize all he wanted me to say oh no you’re not you’re very intelligent you’re very smart like HG always says everything they say and do is all about fuel and he knew exactly mind it anyways what he was saying and doing
Mine was either UMRN or MMRN but yup he said similar shit to me too!
Yah and my simatic MMR would always complain about him gaining weight but he trains every day for hours and has not a inch of fat on him, his body is pure muscle. Needless to say that I have always complemented him in response.
Cerebral one here. Charming and huge vocab just like a dictionary. LOL.
You mean a vocabulary like HG? Lol
Good call KT.
Yeah but I don’t think HG says shit like “I like to theatricalize my verbiage”. But perhaps he says “utterly” a lot? Hahahaha…. just some jokes from other comments here. 😉
To be fair HG, I agree we *are* crazy….. because (a) We’d have to be to put up with ”your” shit, and (b) If we weren’t at the start we sure are by the end!
I’ve been regaled many, many times with the crazy ex stories….. and now of course, I’m just another one (funny how he’s still ‘friends’ with several of them though).
I remember, before I truly ‘woke up’ (and pushed all the ‘odd’ stuff down) a common theme in the devaluation discussions was me saying things like ”You make me feel ”less than”, and ”You have totally, utterly messed my head up, I don’t even know anymore”. A gift for him to paint me as another mad-bird. UGHH!! (Ughh seems to be becoming my catchphrase here…lol)
Why do they all have to use the word “utterly” all the time?
For emphasis.
I just got a flashback of the following text message exchange I had with him once:
“Gabrielle, will you suffer a phone call from me in 15 minutes?”
“Suffer? That seems a bit extreme to say!’
“It’s an Elizabethan expression, darling girl. I like to theatricalize my verbiage”
Does emphasizing what you say give you more fuel? Is that why the big vocabulary comes out all the time?
This is a manifestation of grandiosity but it is done for the purposes of gaining more fuel either through admiration, amusement, puzzlement or even disapproval.
Aannnnnnddd he got all 4 of those. Meh!
Do you personally text and/or talk like that? Just curious.
No.
I had the same exact dynamic happening with mine all the time. I too was great with language and vocabulary in school but when it came to communicating and articulating with other people, I had major issues. I hear that this is very common amongst empath’s. I did however love that HE ,the dark one, had a huge vocabulary and articulating words and communicating was his strong suit. I am finding more and more as I still gain understanding that this is very common for Narcs to possess a huge vocabulary and write extremely well. It fascinates me I must say . Anyway the one thing that 90 percent of the time ,he was not able to do was to throw a word at me I didn’t understand. Despite calling me stupid all day long !!! He also used my poor communication against me which just prompted me to then take a course on commincation.
I agree as well. I loved his mind. LOVED. It was fascinating. This was before I knew what he was. He was an excellent writer and had a huge vocab. Very intelligent. He denied being intelligent though and played it down when I’d compliment himself. Always putting himself down. For pity most likely. He was a musician too. Composed/arranged. Very good at what he did. Talented and intelligent but also very lazy and depressed too. He played the victim, the “tortured soul”. I wonder now if any of it was real or just bits and pieces he copied from others.
He never called me stupid but he did correct me if I did not use a word correctly. He was always Mr. Nice Guy. He never had a nasty “tone” despite delivering nasty words to me. he would tell me how he was always there for me despite how “utterly vile” I acted to him. But he said it like he was some brave person who endured MY abuse.
By the way as an aside, my oldest daughter is named Stephanie.
Also he used the word “suffer” just like that …all the time !!
Were we with the same person? LOL.
and… we are crazy by the time we figure out what’s up!
HG,
Why do all of your kind ALWAYS use the word “crazy” to refer to the ex’s? There are so many words that could be used but it’s unreal how that one expression is used by all three schools. Is this some type of phenomenon?
Thank you 🙂
No, it is because you are.
Or rather that is how it appears and being described as such is a guaranteed way to draw fuel from you, smear you and keep you under our control.
😮
horrendous.
HG two question:
you have no feelings, okay,
but you obviousely KNOW that continuing to give in to your narcissistic impulses it’ s wrong..
so will you continue regardless? And
WHY??
No. I do not have no feelings, I have a limited emotional repertoire.
I continue because it works for me and I do not care about the impact on anybody else.
Victoria,
My ex-boyfriend’s promiscuous use of the word “Crazy” drove me nuts. No pun intended, of course.
None taken K 🙂 When I first met him he called all his ex’s crazy which was odd to me. I am sure I am on that list today.
Victoria,
Yes, as am I.
You never know if that person is going to stop loving you. Hi dear trainer Tudor I hope you don’t mind me calling you trainer I see you that way towards me
HG have there been any ex partners, that you have not smeared? And why?
Yes. They gave me no need to.
HG! What do you mean by “they gave you no need to?” Can you explain a little bit more?
They were not traitors or treacherous and therefore there was no cause to smear.
Thank you for your answer HG. Do you mean traitors and treacherous those who escaped or tried to escape you?Those who tried to “expose ” you?
Either.
Good that you don’t seek revenge on all your victims.
HG,
Hi, when you say, they gave me no need to, what do you mean? Could you please elaborate a bit? I don’t want to guess. Thanks 🙂
I did not regard them as treacherous so they did not need to be smeared.
So HG 1 ) when do you see them as treacherous?
What exactly must one do to be labeled as treacherous?
2) HG I have asked you before but did not get an answer …. what would you regard as extremely humiliating and severe narc wounding with reference to past and potential events.
1. Major wounding, serious non-compliance, major exposure.
2. There will be an article on this.
https://youtu.be/Bg59q4puhmg
I approve. I also like the fact Avril Lavigne played both the girls in the video.
Yep….. 😖
He was a sweet, tender, delicate, sensual beautiful flower with a deadly poisonous perfume that smelled like heaven.
Sounds gay
Ah ah ah ah :))))
He said something about having some gays going after him. Maybe he’ll realize that he hates women completly and he”ll start hunting on the other side.
I’d be relieved, and I wouldn’t be the only one…
That was fucking hilarious, Clary! Thank you!
We have five winners here. So good in portraying himself like a super handsome, charming, educated, wealthy, good man in humble way.
He was saying things like” I feel so alone because I can’t find a woman I can talk to, they all throw themselves at me, they don’t care to know me, they just want to be with me to treat me like a trophy, it makes them feel good to be with me, they don’t care about what I feel or all the problems I have. I could have all the women I want but I really don’t care, I want a real woman and those are not easy to find, there’s nothing but users around! But I won’t give in, I’d rather stay alone. The last one I had really tore me apart and I am still recovering. I am not the kind of man that jumps from woman to woman, I don’t do those things like using people to forget my pain. I can take care of myself. My ex can’t get over the fact she lost me. only now she understands what she had but she abused me too much, I can’t go back. I tried to make it work but she is in love with her pain, she has a void I can’t fill and she keeps sucking me in. I have to stay away. She keeps calling me. I feel sorry and I know I shouldn’t because things won’t change. I just have to cut with her but she doesn’t let me. She knows the kind of man I am. She knows she won’t find another one like me but it’s too late. She did too much damage. She’s a lost soul and there’s nothing I can do. I have a hard life, responsibilities, I need someone who can give also, I can’t keep giving and giving and get back harsh words, humiliations, abuse. It’s not right. I have a lot to give but I need to feel loved”….etc….etc….
Then I got the ” she isn’t as controlling as you are. Yes she abused me but I could express myself, she trusted me, all you do is double checking what I say, what I do…No wonder I can’t write anymore, you kill me, you make me feel like I do everything wrong”….ecc…etc….
Then I got the” since we broke up I couldn’t have sex with anyone…..”
AH AH AH !!!!
I cannot believe there is more than 1 of them out there. The narc I knew was a controller alright and big liar. I was onto him but unfortunately got sucked into the FOG as was in a bad place myself at the time as had a narc female friend who was so draining. They really make me laugh now with the childish behaviours. Anyway I am a better person now with boundaries and take no rubbish. HG I know you said if we see them we should just ignore them but what would happen if I just laughed in there face and walked off?
It would ignite that person’s fury and their response would depend on where they were, if other people were in attendance, their fuel level and how quickly you made to leave.
Oh I’ve lost track of the number of times he said “we are done having sex” yet we continued to anyway.
” my will power so weak when I see you in person” it was a frequent one that I heard .
I heard #6 way too many times about his ex-IPPS and his ex-IPSS. Along with the variations on the theme:
“I showed her my heart, I shouldn’t have done that.”
“I let her in too close and she fell in love.”
“She said no one had ever treated her like I did.”
“She will always have a special place in my heart.”
“That girl LOVES me.”
“I should never have given her any of my heart.”
“I can’t help that she fell in love with me, I didn’t make her!”
“She will do anything I want her to do because she loves me so much.”
“She said no one had ever kissed her like I did.” (Among other things)
“I shouldn’t have treated her so well, but that’s who I am.” (He always bragged about all the things he did for both of them, while he certainly didn’t do the same for me.)
“No, you can’t call her. If you do I will leave you and never come back.. You are forbidden to contact her in any way. Do you hear me?”
I always wonder if he tells them the same things about me. He’s used the three of us against each other for over 20 years. And now there are two.
Again : OMG
HORRENDOUS
I’d like to add more as I was given stories of the wife AND the ex-mistress before me.
“I almost left my wife for her! I lost my mind what was I thinking? We parted and never spoke again.”
“She is a psycho and couldn’t your stand the fact that I had a family (wife and child) who need me. She didn’t have a family of her own so she didn’t understand this and she expected too much from me. But you’re nothing like that. You have children so you understand. That’s why I love you so much.”
Then later. When he said that the “inappropriate” of our relationship was over and that he wanted to “be my friend”. Because he was still friends with the acts. And when I said “but I thought you never spoke again?” the story then changed…
“Of course we still keep in touch. I have a life debt to her. I made her believe I would leave my wife. I owe her and as such I’m there when she needs me.”
Taking the ex out of this picture I then had to hear about just the wife. “I love her so much but it takes me a long time to climax! Not like with you where it happens so quick because you’re so hot and I can’t hold back! I’ve never come like that before! I feel like I’ve lost my soul, it’s so hard for me to make love to her having been unfaithful so many times….”
Later on it was “we are expanding our family and I can’t continue having sex with you while I’m trying to do that…”
Hon he’s a complete loser
Yes he is. Yet I still want him. Ugh. 🙁
May I ask out of curiosity …no offense intended. Why would someone have a relationship with someone whom they know are married? What is the thinking/ rationale around that?
A fair question, KT. You’re not the first to ask me that and I am sure you won’t be the last. I know that you mean no offense and even if you did I would understand because I know many people who would definitely judge the hell out of me if they ever knew my entire story. So that being said I am not going to make excuses for myself. I will just explain the back story.
First when he targeted me, love bombed me, etc. I did not know he was married. I was a long distance dirty secret. I later learned he was married (with a child) after I asked a mutual friend for info about him (before I agreed to meet him since I was long distance). I then learned from the friend that he was a serial cheater and was caught with the last girl. I confronted him with the info and he confirmed it but told me he was in love with me. Said he almost left his wife for the last girl but “came to his senses” because she was crazy and wanted too much from him. That I was nothing like her.
I thought that he’d leave her for me. I had no clue what he was (until I stumbled on this website and it began to make sense). That fucker really had me fooled hook line and sinker. 🙁
Toward the end of things he of course told me “I am not leaving my wife for anyone, not even you”. I am sure he is back with that ex or another person now while he remains married with his “nice normal guy” façade.
Hopefully that answers your question. It is not my intent to portray myself as some martyr by any means. I am not happy that I am in love with a married man….or in this case in love with an illusion of the man I thought he was…who happens to be married.
Fair enough
Amazing arse hole. Keep well clear. Never lower your standards. What a tosser…
OMG
Horrendous!!
I think you are like a martyr, H.G., giving up all you know for the good and embetterment of those who had no idea what they were up against. You taught me how to escape. Thank you. God loves you.
Things said by him.
When he was dumping me for the last girlfriend which she only lasted 8 months and the only other one in 4 years also only lasted months…2 in fact.
He introduced me to her outside a bar while him and I were together drinking he apparently called her up and asked her to meet us then sprang her on me. During the conversation the subject came up of how intelligent she is and she attended the same university he did blah blah blah. All a dig at me.
Things said after I was being reinstated as IPPS …
1. You are the only one that knows me.
2. We have so much in common.
3. Why did I waste my time with her when I had everything with you. Companionship, mutual interests, you came to see me perform every time and so did she but……she was just there to show up. You knew every one of my songs inside and out. All true but ….
Sex, reciprocity, always available. Yada yada yada
While a lot of that is true at least on my end why then did he feel the need to discard me yet again 3 months later . Narcs suck ! I know I know Empaths swallow !! Lol sometimes
No we don’t shallow in this world or narcs world dear EVER
That was an inside joke to the person it was meant for. a joke !!Touchy ? Are you sure you are an empath. Lol