I Object
My kind regard you as objects. We consider you as appliances which are there to serve one function; to obey us. The world must revolve around me. I am the centre of the universe. I must have this as a constant. By ensuring that the world revolves around me, I receive the fuel which enables me to exist. I am able to exert the control which ensures the fuel flows. I receive the traits and additional benefits which I deem necessary and to which I regard myself as entitled. In order for these things to happen and in order for them to continue I require total obedience. If I wish to boil some water, I place it in a kettle. I press the switch and the kettle performs its function until the water has boiled and then switches off. If I want more boiling water at a later time, I repeat the process. The kettle will always function for me. I press the button. It responds. It boils the water. It does exactly what I want. It does not challenge me. It does not refuse to boil the water. It does not begin to boil the water and then part way through stops and switches off. It does not make the water colder. It does not turn the water brown. It functions. Of course, over time, the kettle may develop a fault. It no longer functions as I want. It is a simple matter. I either repair the kettle or more likely discard it and replace it with a newer, shinier model which functions as I require and demand.
Your role is to function for me. You are to provide me with fuel. You are to do things for me. I expect that this should happen when I demand, at my say so, without hesitation, objection or in part performance. I require optimum performance and response. I must dehumanise you and reduce you to the status of an object in order for this to happen. I must also objectify you because in my world, nothing exists outside of it but me.
There is a type of empath that, to put it simply, feels in tune with the world and its energy. The empath is, if you will, plugged in to the world and therefore feels shifts in energy, both good and bad. They are especially attuned to everything around them and therefore they “feel” on a higher level. I of course do not equate to this as I am no empath, but this is what has been described to me. It has also been remarked to me that my kind and your kind are at opposite ends of the same spectrum. I see the force in such a proposition. Whereas there are those that feel attuned to their environment and that they are part of that environment, I, on the other hand, regard the environment as part of me. I must shape the environment, control it, dominate. It must be subjugated to my needs. That is why I am obsessed with the notion of control. This is why each and every situation I find myself in must comply with what I require. You are also part of the environment and it follows therefore that you must form part of me. This is why my kind fail to see you as separate and distinct individuals, but rather as objects which are plugged into us and assimilated into us. You are there to serve me. I am there to control you. In order for this state of affairs to be created it is necessary for you to be seen as an object. If I regarded you as an independent individual, possessing your own desires, thoughts and actions, this would cause me considerable concern. I would be repeatedly fearful that you would be “do your own thing” and therefore you would fail to provide me with what I need to exist. Thus, my kind and me, reduce you to the status of an object in order to remove this sense of independence and this in turn removes the fear of you failing to malfunction.
This is why when you challenge us in some way or you assert your own independence and identity, our reaction is severe. Not only are you criticising us by suggesting we do not have you under control, thus igniting our fury, you are also attempting to assert that you are not an object and this threatens our environment and our control. Such a threat results in a severe response on our part in order to get you back into line, remove your independence, erode your sense of separation and assimilate you back into our function and control.
Your objectification is a necessary device to enable us to assert control over you and our environment so that our needs are met and our existence is preserved. Since we regard you as part of us, if you try to break away from us, it is as if our hand is being severed from us. In order to assimilate you we must erode any sense of independence you may have. This is why our various manipulations are designed to wear you down so that you no longer have the energy to rail against us. This is why our various machinations are designed to condition you to act in the same way over and over again, just like a machine, so that you become reliable and predictable. We make your world chaotic so that we become the only item of stability. Our behaviour will appear random and arbitrary but we remain there, a constant in your life and this forces you to cling to us and in our minds this causes you to be subsumed within us. By generating an unstable environment around you, we want you to move into the stability that we represent by remaining a constant.
Our inability to empathise is also crucial in your objectification. Since we feel no need to care or exhibit compassion this also makes it far easier for us to regard you as an object and thus fulfil the requirements I have described above. We feel nothing towards you in terms of caring for you. If you do not function, we will hate you, we will feel fury towards you, frustration and jealousy that you may be functioning for another, but not us (for example giving your emotional attention (fuel) to somebody other than us, even though that person does not need your fuel, that does not matter to us, the fact is, we demand it). Our feelings towards you, since we objectify you, are akin to the annoyance that a car will not start. Jealousy that our neighbour’s lawnmower is more effective than ours. Hatred towards the drill that does not drill straight. Our reactions to these objects for not functioning are exactly the same as they are towards you when you fail to do what we want, and this in turn continues to increase the sense of objectifying you.
Our objectification of you is brought about through several mechanisms. As I explained above, if the kettle stops working, I discard it and get a new one. Thus you are treated as dispensable and if you stop providing me with fuel, I will discard you and replace you. I seek total control over you in order to deny you the ability to make your own decisions. Not only will I tell you what to say and do, I expect you to always comply with what I want, placing my needs above your own. By denying you this independence of decision-making, I further objectify you. Since I exhibit no concern for your feelings, this is a considerably dehumanising action which increases your objectification. Owing to my massive sense of entitlement, I treat you as I see fit. Just like a plate. I may wash the plate, polish the plate, smash the plate, scrawl on the paint and so on. I do what I want to the plate because I own it and it is mine to do with as I see fit. I maintain the belief that I own you and thus I can do to you as I see fit. I have no regard for how you feel about the way I treat you and this, allied with my ownership of you further objectifies you. I consider you as tool which has been supplied to serve my purposes. You provide me with fuel, you give me money, you make me dinner, you provide sexual gratification, you do my laundry, you look after the children and so forth. This is expected and again by treating you as an instrument in this fashion, your objectification continues.
All of these various ways of regarding you and treating you combine to have us regard you as an object but also to have you feel objectified to. It is a two-way process. Not only do we see you as an object, we want you to feel like an object because then you are more likely to function in the manner which we require.
Objectifying you serves a considerable purpose to us in ensuring that you provide us with what we need, you remain under our control and function accordingly. It is also useful as a means of provoking fuel from you because you will become angry or upset at being treated this way and have your sense of identity violated. Furthermore, it enables us to erode your self-esteem because we all seek validation of what we are from other people (indeed my very existence relies on this) and therefore if we invalidate you by treating you as an object, we remove your self-esteem, start to crush you which further means you are less likely to escape and evade our control.
The need to objectify you is crucial to our existence. We deploy various methods of bringing about this objectification. We see you as objects, we have to see you as objects and we treat you as objects.
64 thoughts on “I Object”
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This site is the best thing that’s happened to me in months. MONTHS. I had suspected for a couple years that my boyfriend has NPD, but it wasn’t until I finally admitted to myself that his disturbing lack of empathy was not just my imagination that I became obsessed in figuring out what the hell was wrong with him. Everything described here is painfully accurate. I find myself grinning like an idiot as I nod in agreement to every sentence. Of course, after I grin, I want to cry because I remember that I have wasted almost five years on this man who I understand now never loved me. But, the consolation is that I know I need to get the hell away from him as soon as possible. Anyway, this site is invaluable. Thank you.
You are welcome.
Hello HG,
I think that behind of this is that you object people out of fear. Because object can’t hurt you, and people can.
People are ALIVE and there is always possibility of hurting you and that is whay you object people. You must have control, you can’t be hurt again.
You object. You freeze.
It’s very logical whay.
Thank you for your observation The Bridge, I believe there is some force in that view.
is there a way to cancel/delete these—–^ i’m posting them on the correct page now… sigh
I will remove the duplicates.
omg..i just posted these on the wrong page of the blog..serves me right having multi tabs opened 😮
My Mid-Range N loves ‘toys’. Collected Marvel figures/Star Wars/transformers/comics etc and the way I saw him play with them and treat them was probably the closest form of love I ever saw him display. A proper child at heart, and looking back now, that’s what he was/is – a little boy in a man’s body. So, while I might’ve been fooled by his physical and intellectual side, it was totally like being with a child in all other aspects.
You cannot have a romantic/sexual relationship with someone who’s clearly ‘trying’ to mimic the way adults are, but is still a child inside. It must be hard and frustrating for them to be constantly having to ‘fit in’ to exist in such an alien-like world (through their eyes).
My Mid-Range was into Star Wars, Transformers, Superhero stuff, etc. I do not know if he collected these things but he did have some memorabilia. He spoke of it frequently using his words though. Spoke of movies and TV shows from when he was a child. He too, was like a little boy stuck in a man’s body. Why is this? Does it pinpoint back to some childhood trauma or something that makes them what they are? Are they frozen in that type of mentality? Am I overthinking my assumption too much?
After months of silence, I was hovered back into play this week. I am still trying to wrap my head around how the N knew my relationship ended and could sense the fresh blood to Hoover back in at this time. It is completely bizarre
This is another interesting article. Some of my thoughts are:
— I still dislike the appliance comparison writings. This is so illogical! Please stop!
— I wonder how many readers wonder whether HG is ther N
— I think anyone entering a “relationship” with someone like HG should invest in paper plates. Lots and lots of dishes are being broken…
This is yet another article that hits close to home. Thanks for reopening the scab.
Hello Frogbubb,
1. Thanks for the polite request. It is illogical to you, but not to us.
2. A significant number have stated this either on the blog or privately.
3. Ha ha.
From what I have seen and experienced, narcissists do not tend to treat their material-objects the same way they treat their human-objects.
Many narcissists can drive their victims to physical, emotional and mental exhaustion. They are more considerate to material-objects than to human-objects. They do all necessary (e.g. maintenance) to keep their material appliances working properly and to avoid that they are damaged beyond repair.
For example, they are careful enough to avoid overheating their car engine. They know that lack of lubrication or contaminated oil can damage an engine so they prevent it from happening.They check fluids regularly and have oil filter and fluids replaced, if required. They have their car battery checked and if necessary, fully charged or replaced. However, they do not let their human-objects *fully charge* after exhaustion. And if their car engine overheats, they do not expect it to start. The same applies to other material-objects like laptops, phones, washing machines and so on. Yet they expect that an exhausted human being functions like a fully-charged battery.
“Respite periods” are almost nothing compared to all they do to take care of their material-objects.
This is *my* experience and how I have been treated by narcissists. I know that not all narcissists are the same.
E.B, I made the same experience. They care for their material things. And my one had a strong bonding to those things. That was possible. Only humans are replaced.
Oh memories “Your hole is open” “shut your holes”
He was referring to my mouth lol.
I love when someone tries to tell me what to do … and strip me of My own voice and own thoughts ::eye roll::
oh the fun I have pushing all of their shiny pretty red buttons.
That’s good to hear. I was a bit chubby after our child and he used that but to heal mentally I took up yoga and look great. His eyes almost popped out yesterday when I met him with our child. I think his golden period will be waning by now. As long as he is pissed haha
I still fancy Ian brown. He’s probably a narcissist too. Just curious would it piss you off to see your ex looking really hot?
The extent of my response would depend on how fuelled I was, whether I was in a golden period with my IPPS and the ex’s overall demeanour. My reaction would range from mild irritation to fury, albeit I would most likely keep it under control in front of the ex and lash out at somebody else.
Not so if you consider the quality of energy you get as you move from appliance to appliance.
It doesn’t stay the same. You will eventually have to adapt yourself to a increasingly lower quality appliance.
The industry doesn’t make the appliances you are talking about so you can’t count on new designs, new features, lower energy consumpions and so forth.
This is just one thing that could go wrong. I am sure there are others.
I disagree. I do not have to adapt to an increasingly lower quality appliance, not at all.
Good for you. I say that with no sarcasm. I am into something else so I can’t see the benefits in what makes you happy but still, I wish you well, always.
Haha I thought you would like it. Great band actually.
Agreed. Ian Brown is rather smelly though.
My ex used to listen to I want to be adored by the stone roses in the shower every single morning! I should have twigged then. I’m so glad I’m no longer a toaster😀
That is a good song.
Dear HG, this is dystopic.
Besides the ethical issues regarding this view, which I won’t mention, there is no feasability here.
Energy has it’s rules and you cannot change them to suit your will.
If you keep going like this, your system will eventually come to a halt.
Just like the colture change we are having in our time. For example all the attention on sustainability we must have on every thing we produce and design. We do that because we must return to the cycle what we take or we won’t be able to access the energy we need to survive (think of entropy). We don’t do it because it’s ethical, we do it because if we don’t we’ll die.
It is not a matter of choice but simply the only way to do it.
You can keep going this way but you know there is a wall at the end. You can hope you’ll never get to that point but it’s a risk. Talking about survival your design won’t serve you well.
Thank you Giulia, how will it come to a halt though when there is such a ready-made and plentiful supply of appliances? I can see your point with regard to one person. but as you know, when that person fails, we shift to another appliance and of course have various appliances in our fuel matrices.
This is fascinating, HG. The concept of humans as objects rises questions: indeed mere objects?. You mention a kettle. A kettle, for instance works in accord to several principles (type of material and design, laws of thermodynamics, etc.). It boils the water. Your ‘woman-kettle’ however needs to operate also in opposition to her design-boundaries-laws: sometimes she is required to use all her energy and resources in order to change her internal inner workings in order to freeze the water (instead of boiling it) and to color it blue, to change her chemical properties to emit light and thus becoming your kettle-lamp. When the kettle is cast away it is no longer a kettle, but an amorphous hybrid kettle-lamp-laptop-what have you, all boundaries, principles, chemical bonds altered, pining for the one for which she can perform. Naturally, this grotesque non object non human is replaced by a bright and shiny kettle (just a kettle, for now)
An interesting and fair observation Narseeker, thank you.
HG, I just see you as a living thing among tubes, which connect you to the breathing apparatus and other machines, which provide you with fresh blood, food and medicine.. You are totally dependent on those machines, objects. So, you are totally dependent on us (the machines).No wonder, that you rage, if we (the objects) do not function. You have to replace us as soon as possible, your existence is threatened in your fantasy/mind.
Nevertheless that topic was very honest and actually logical.
And it remembers of a very small child, who is dependent on his mother, who has to provide the little, helpless child with food, water and cleaning. That mother has to function to make survival and development possible. Is there something missing? Yes. The affection. You learned to survive without affection and therefore you did not develop that part of yourself. Affection was dangerous. It always was abused. Maybe it was not that bad in your childhood (compared to others) , but together with your probably different brain structure it made you, what you are now.
I had a very similar interpretation! HG even views himself as an efficient machine. The lack of maternal bonding contributed to this result.
MLA, I believe the same. He needed a mother who could give him a high amount of love and ! set firm boundaries. Do not forget his big Ego. A mother that only loved him, would have been exploited by him earlier or later. Children with a big Ego need a firm and loving hand. “Firm hand” means to be consequent, when he is doing wrong. It does not mean to take away love or to punish him overly or even to beat him. It is difficult to explain in English. Each child needs a different behaviour of the mother. You have to observe your child and to see its own personality.. One child needs a lot of encouragement, the other one needs some breaks….. And – of course- not to use your child for your own purposes…..Maybe then he could have had a chance to develop a “normal” personality. Not very empathetic, but normal….
Yes, I agree and that would apply as HG was getting older too. I was also referring to establishing syncronism and attachment right out of the gate when HG was a newborn through the age of five. The time when the blueprint for trust is established. I worry that MatriNarc had a very, caustic, cold and austere approach with him as a baby affecting him that early on. I love the research and work of John Bowlby on attachment theory and that is where I draw my opinion from.
Good read buddy…
Thank you.
Objection sustained and duly noted…. have a fuel filled weekend HG!
Don’t forget about while doing all of this that you’re telling us all the while “you are not an object that I pander to for amusement”.
Thrown in a few more big vocabulary words including the word “utterly” and there ya go!
#Utterlythetruth
High five MLA Clarece!
“I like to theatricalize my verbiage!”
* Snort laugh. * 😂
Virtual fist bump to ya!
H.G., this piece deeply affected me reading it, for you. Many of your articles cover the gambit of narcissistic behaviors on many different levels universally.
This piece was very personal. Your desperation for control over everyone you are in contact with. I say desperate (not at all in a negative way) because I found it to be the exact opposite of how you taught yourself to survive in your house growing up as described by you in your piece, “I Want To Be Adored” as follows:
“You see, I learned that it was wiser to remain in the shadows. Out of sight meant out of range and therefore the caustic criticisms and cutting chastisement could be avoided…”
That former existence with complete lack of control is the polar opposite of how you operate now. You have said you first learned to mimic MatriNarc. I’m so sorry her Ironfisted control and abuse made you feel like you, yourself was an object. You have turned the tables now so it is always the other person.
No wonder things grow stale though when you just keep replaying your unresolved past.
I’m curious where your head was at when you wrote this? If it maybe followed an intense session with the doctors? I just sense the simmering anger under the words.
I find this piece to be as revealing about you as in “Love is a Taught Construct” and “In the Middle”.
Thank you for sharing this piece of you here.
Well Im not a narc appliance or on the narc menu snack list because I will not bow down or be controlled by anyone or play stupid mind games..They are stupid to chose as prey appliances that can kick their ass physically and verbally.Why would anyone lower their standards to play on your thug life playing field.Who would want to be contaminatd by ugly grotesque lying leeching cowards and losers? Nope game over check mate yall lost .No one wants any of you.You wont have fuel eventually because we empaths have learned the game and wont play with yall no more no more.Grey rock.No contact.Stone cold to yall. Like you dont exist.You are the last pick on the team anyway and no one wants or needs your assclown peice of s!#/ you all are.
From now on, I will use you as an object. I’ll make you give me what I want and in return I’ll make you think that you control me by playing your game. Now we are even. The game is on.
I have a question…my ex is a narcissist who abruptly discarded me to pursue a client of his who was suddenly widowed and came into a sizable life insurance policy of her husband’s. She makes good money anyways and was able to pay off her home and all vehicles. She has three children ages 16,10, and 2. She is overweight, flat chested, a brunette, and generally unattractive. He was always on me and his ex wife before me about our weight (I’m normal weight). And vocal about being curvy, big busted, blonde, and with nice lips and legs. He said he is highly “visual” in his sexual satisfaction. In 2 months after his death they have moved in together, and are going to get married. They are still in the lovebombing phase and act extremely happy. He’s a serial cheater with each relationship of his less than 6yrs with multiple affairs. My question is with all these factors can/will a narcissist stay faithful? And will they stay in a marriage long term for money supply or will they slip and devalue and discard anyways? Can the lull of money keep them nice and affectionate long term or does the narcissist cycle happen anyways?
I pretended the coffee pot was YOU when I threw it away last night!
So if you’re so powerful, why haven’t you gotten these fucking idiots to stop driving cars and using lawnmowers and shit?
The world is going to explode and you aren’t controlling your environment AT ALL!!!
YOU’RE FAILING!!!!
It’s been almost a year out of my last narc relationship.
Dear A.R,
I agree with narseeker and Gulia.
‘ If you going through hell keep going ‘.
I know how you feel, it’s been over 8 months in my case and I’m still bleeding. I have days when I’m questioning, doubting myself, blaming for not making better progress and I expressed it in one of my posts some time ago to which Mr.Tudor replied:
‘You will achieve freedom, you are in the place which will deliver it’.
I really needed to hear that. I have taken a screenshot of his message and every time I’m struggling I’m trying to motivate myself by reading his words over and over again. ‘You will achieve freedom…. You will achieve freedom….’
YOU WILL achieve freedom A.R 🙂
To all the commenters:
I just need to get this out there…the articles are helpful beyond words…I can’t thank the author enough…
At the same time I warble between my own fury & being a “drudge” (vampire servant) How did you recover from the elixir of the narcissist? I falter back & forth emotionally without taking action, while tempting fate, & I’m afraid I’m going to die in this stupid abusive cycle, or never know who I am.
I sound crazy, I feel ashamed, & I just would like to know how you found help.
Thanks.
A. R hello, for me it is a) reading HG’s material. b) participating in this blog (a huge energy shift away from the N) c) NC , specially no peeking (social media). (I recently started a new, failed twice). I always thought that I was strong and resourceful enough to find a way around NC. I really didn’t like the concept of shutting down, of reducing my degrees of freedom. I was wrong. It seems that NC is the only effective method that allows my sensitivities to the world to flourish anew
I agree with you, narseeker….taking a “peek” or responding to an electronic “hoover” is, in fact, a setback. Remaining N/C and referring to HG for knowledge and understanding seems to be most effective, goal being ZERO IMPACT
Yes, and I’m waiting for HG’s work “Zero Impact”
Dear A.R.,
I know very well what you are feeling and the desperation you are going through. I don’t know your situation and what he/she is doing to keep you in this state. They all have a particular thing they do, that gets you in orther to keep you enslaved.
Trust yourself, keep trying and you will find a way out.
Trust yourself, not him, not anymore.
Your world shattered so you are going back to ground zero. Don’t let that scare you. Remind yourself what you were before, all the things that you could do, your dreams, and all thè things you want to finish in life.
Be humble, don’t punish yourself. Just work on those stones and build something every day.
And read, study. Here, and all thè books that can talk to you.
You will get through it.
If I made it, you’ll make it too.
Hi AR,
I found No Contact to be the best way of dealing with the see-sawing of emotional upheaval. When you instigate it, it feels like a huge hurdle to overcome and by doing it you understand there will be a backlash against you. It can feel like the whole world is against you. And yet, after a while, it brings blessed peace and sanity. It gives you breathing space to deal with the after-effects of the relationship. It allows you time to focus on yourself after so long focusing on them. It encourages critical thinking to return and thus allows you to start addressing any issues that you have within your own psyche. It forces them to focus on others for their emotional output, instead of being able to drain you of yours. It is truly the best thing I ever did. It is the only way to break the cycle.
Keep reading this website whenever you feel vulnerable to bolster your defences. It’s excruciating at times and can trigger deep emotional reactions, but it’s worth the discomfort because you will have the knowledge you need to rebuild your life. It will give you the rationale and clarity to stop blaming yourself for everything. It is an invaluable asset.
Take some deep breaths, lift your head and start reclaiming yourself. It will be difficult and sometimes tortuous but it is a battle very much worth fighting. I wish you the best of luck x
AR, We all feel like that in the beginning! Mine so bad I wanted to take my own life! Stay with this blog! Read all that you can that HG has written!! I swear to you it will heal you! Everyone heals at their own pace! Be good to yourself! You did nothing wrong accept love the wrong person. We are all here for you! We have all been through it! You are not crazy! Do not be ashamed!! Don’t ever be ashamed for loving someone! With HGs help you will come out on top of all this!!! 💐
How much time did you waste photoshopping a picture of my toothbrush you dumb cunt?!
I have more world leaders and government officials tapping my line right now than you could ever dream of. Half of the commenters on your blog are yourself! FUCKER!!!
Why are you watching me break plates in my apartment, Anthony?! What the fuck is your problem you dumb bitch. I’m telling you who’s instigating WWIII and all you care about is pottery! Stupid faggot!!
I remember when you first wrote this article. It helped me sooo much in my understanding of this view and thus reduced or lack of emotional empathy for us. I now, after reading it again, have a question: do you purposefully and consciously objectify us or is it a natural state of your perception of other people that you have had since youth and now are conscious of this?
Why I ask this is because of my years of work with children on the autism spectrum, a group that often objectifies people unconsciously and without malice. I have been a table, a toy and a tool to complete tasks for children on the spectrum while playing with and assessing them, so I know what that feels like on a regular basis in my work. Interestingly, despite their objectification of others and reduced empathy and reduced social reciprocity, these groups of individuals rarely show malice. Thus, the concept of “positive zero empathy” of those on the autism spectrum versus the concept of “negative zero empathy” of narcissists. (Referencing the book The Science of Evil by Baron-Cohen–thanks for the reference MLA 😊).
What are your thoughts on this HG?
It is a natural state of perception, however I will convey this to certain victims for the purpose of drawing fuel as I know how it alarms them to be regarded in this way.
Since it is a natural state of perception, do N view everyone as objects? Or only IPs?
Thank you
Everyone.
And ” ISeeYou ” in particular 😆
A-ha, I was reading your comments following the positive zero empathy and negative zero empathy and recognized exactly where your thought process was headed. Thanks for the shout-out!