The Effect of No Contact on the Narcissist
You know that No Contact is the key to beating the narcissist, but how does it affect the narcissist?
This Logic Bulletin explains to you what happens when you impose your No Contact Regime and how you can expect the narcissist to respond.
It covers Lesser, Mid-Range and Greater Narcissists in fascinating detail.
How does the narcissist feel?
What happens if you tip-off the narcissist that you are leaving him or ending the relationship?
What happens to the narcissist if you end the relationship and say nothing?
How does the narcissist respond?
What do you need to look out for in terms of common errors which will prejudice your no contact regime and place you at risk?
What will the narcissist do by way of response, so you can ascertain how to avoid this?
The content of this Logic Bulletin will give you these answers and more so you can build your Logic Defences and understand what will happen when you impose no contact now or in the future.
45 thoughts on “The Effect of No Contact on the Narcissist”
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Mr Tudor,
Once I posted the question I realised how long the posting was. If you prefer it to be sent to you within the framework of a payed consultation instead, please let me know and I will re-send it.
Hello Tove, thank you for the comment. I have read it and the detail contained and the various questions posed mean that it is appropriate to deal with it through a paid consultation so the maximum information can be provided and also the detailed insight and answers given. Thank you.
Thank you for your answer. I will get back to you next week.
Jolly good.
Mr Tudor, as a behavioral scientist and a surviving scapegoat of a narcissist father i find your postings highly interesting and ad valuable insights to the knowledge I allready hold regarding narcissism. This article about about how “no contact” feels is helping me figuring out how to act in the situation I am currently in. I would appreciate if you would be so kind and ad some information from your vast source of knowledge.
I am currently carrying out a “no contact” policy towards my father. It is the third time in my life I have gone “no contact” and it is the final time. As a punishment during our last encounter before going a final “no contact” my father out of the blue he sent me a legal document asking me to sign my inheritance away until after both him and his current wife has passed. Following the legal documents came a large number of texts and e-mails, changing between threats, pleading and sweet talk back and forth during a 4-day period. I was in shock of all of this, but remained calm as I was tired of his behavior and asked an attorney for legal advice. Then I texted that I would ask my attorney to contact him, in order to stall, and blocked him on the phone, on my email, on Facebook and Linkedin. Then I left the issue for later and spent some time focusing on myself instead.
Now I am stronger and I am thinking about going to an attorney and ask him/her to settle things with my father regarding the inheritance. I feel a need to settle this now, and then be over with it. I understand that this will infuriate him and make him feel wounded as I refuse to obey his wishes. I also understand that this will cause him to want to punish me even more. So far in my life he has never been physically abusive, “only” mentally abusive (gaslighting, screaming, threatening me, silent treatment, treating me like a third-class member of the family, and so on). As for the current situation, he has not stalked me where I live or come around threatening me. He has worked with smear campaigns behind my back and he convinced my brother to break contact with me (last family member I had contact with).
My question to you is: What can I expect to happen if I re-open the interaction regarding the inheritance? I am the only member of our extended family who has ever questioned him and I am the only one who has gone “no contact” and turned my back on him. I suspect that he is very angry. Could he become violent? How can I protect myself? Or is it safer to just leave it be?
what is a hoover trigger? when you are full no contact for 4 years how does a hoover trigger happen?
See the article spheres of influence Ashley.
Sorry HG tudor, last question please answer… Why would a narc triangulate after 4 years?
Fuel. There has been a Hoover Trigger and the hoover bar was low, so the opportunity presented itself.
Ok I see, wrong assumption. Last question HG , how are you sure it’s on purpose and not concidence? It’s been 4 years now would he know I will find out?
im sorry hg tudor, i couldt find your answer previously i didn’t know which post it was in. so its purpose are you sure?e everyone says he forget about me has been long time it coincidence?
No problem. Do not focus on it, but it is done to triangulate. Know this so you are armed but do not dwell.
ohh your so kind with your info really helpful, how can you be a narc? anyway good to know , so can they triangulate after 4 years of breaking up and no contact? how does he knows i will find out? or even care about him? how are you sure its on purpose?
Meet me in real life and you will find out. Don’t say you weren’t warned though.
Oh by the way we broke up 3.5 years ago
This describes perfectly what happened when my mother divorced my father; first the pity play and promises of change, then when that didn’t work, blaming and smearing.
But one thing still makes me doubt whether my father really is a narcissist. You write repeatedly about the inevitable discard, and yet, after 20 years of marriage, my father showed no signs of wanting to divorce my mother and seemed content to remain with her permanently. That’s not to say he didn’t go through the cycles of golden periods and devaluation, but he seemed content to continue to go through those cycles with her continuously.
Do narcissists ever stay (or plan to stay) with one partner?
No, but the intention is there with regards to the IPPS.
Hg Tudor, My ex narc has put up in his whatsapp status a special date with a heart emoticon and a picture with him and new gf. however the special date is my bday? Is it conidence or purpose?
As answered previously, purpose.
Thank you HG. This post solidified that I am dealing with a Mid-Range somatic narcissist. When things started to get dramatic and extremely manipulative, and I was not getting any answers through communication as one would with a regular adult, I went full-blown supernova and took matters into my own hands. Raided his office, broke into his apartment and went through every item, hacked his phone, and threw his affairs and evidence of federal criminal activity that would get him deported in his face. I’ve been dealing with his blubbering mess of apologies and professions of true love for some time now, and I treat it with cold indifference and a little smirk that I could drop the hammer on him and destroy his life here. We can’t have no contact, but I hope he’s not dumb enough to ever disrespect me again, but since he’s a mid-ranger and not fully aware of what he is, he might try. The self pity is so deep he is drowning in it. It’s almost as if you know him personally, the way you write.
Now that was a supernova. Yes, it won’t be a Pity Party, more of a Commiseration Conference or a Rejection Rally.
HG ve read part two and three mine is in between mid and greater one moment I think mid but then I read more and then think greater. That’s very confusing for me.
@ get a life haters
You really need to read where it say thy shall NOT judge.
Just saying 😊
You are a hater! and that word that you use and hide behind will eventually destroy you! God is watching you, learn to be nice or god will make you pay a price!
Oh, okay then, I am a changed man. Thank you for saving me.
GAWD. The sarcasm is oozing.
Is there a Part 3 coming soon? The response of the Greater to NC?
Yes.
Great! Thanks
“His immediate reaction will be one of horror at your disloyal behaviour, amazement at how treacherous you are and disgust that you of all people could do a thing like this.”
This but for having the audacity to do anything in a less than perfect way.
What happens if I do file for divorce/go NC as possible but can’t leave the state because we have kids?
My N has the temper described of a lesser but the charm and success and social network of a higher level N.
Hello Scrub Oak, if you file for divorce you will wound and cause an ignition of fury. You ought to put NC in place before instigating divorce proceedings. I recommend you read Getting Out and No Contact in order to prepare for what you are going to do. From your description alone, he may be an Upper Lesser but I would need more information to provide you with a more detailed and accurate assessment of him and what you can expect to happen when you apply NC and being the divorce proceedings.
Thank you.
You are welcome.
My ex to an absolute tee. I have a question HG if you don’t mind. I applied no contact rigorously and outed him to some. Are these the reasons he is still so venomous about me to people I’m friends with, even though he has a new primary and legions of secondaries? Or is it him attempting to hoover by proxy? And if so, why bother? I would’ve thought the fuel he’s receiving now would be enough to maintain the facade?
Your exposure was a major wound and therefore drives a desire to punish you for your treachery. His comments to other people about you is smearing and also a reverse hoover by proxy whereby he intends for these people to tell you what he has been saying about you so you contact him and he can punish you further and draw negative fuel from you. Your exposure has caused him concerns with his façade and as mentioned amounts to a major wound which necessitates you being punished.
Thanks. But surely him being so vitriolic now just provides evidence of my assessment of him? He deleted a bunch of my friends and some mutual friends who saw his behaviour for what it was and so can no longer go to the same nights as us. So yes, the facade has been punctured. I have a pact with the friends who are still in touch with him that we won’t discuss what he says to them or discuss the hoovers that appear on Facebook. And I would rather cut off my opposable texting thumbs than contact him again or look for him on social media. I guess I just didn’t understand why he was expending so much pointless energy on me still when he gets nothing back. I’m glad I won’t be around when he starts the devaluation if this is how he behaves during the golden period! Thanks again for your answer.
As for the mid-ranger specifically, exposure of his jolly good fellow façade is a guaranteed way to cause major wounding,
I will keep this in mind as ponder spaghettification.
You tease.
Thank you, HG.
Interesting take from the darker side of No Contact. Looking forward to reading about how the Greater reacts.
Are there any NO-NOs that can suddenly come to light about the Empath, where the Mid-Ranger would actually drop and run? Any specific circumstances, or will they always regard you as fuel 10 minutes or 10 years from now, as long as they’re in control?
A Mid-Ranger regards you as his or her property in accordance with the Narcissistic Covenant. What would cause dis-engagement? See the article 5 Reasons We Discard/Did-Engage.
As for the mid-ranger specifically, exposure of his jolly good fellow façade is a guaranteed way to cause major wounding, but I will be writing an article about this.
My mid ranger is the ultimate “jolly good” fellow. I’m looking forward to this article.
I’ll be very interested in this article H.G. I am often torn with how much to say to people. I have basically kept a low profile, and I am somewhat concerned that may be misconstrued given that there will have been a smears, as some sort of ‘shame’ or ‘guilt’ on my part. I’d love to expose his jolly good fellow facade, but obviously need to be mindful that people won’t believe it. (sigh… we can’t win can we?)
He obviously believes he’s now waited a politely sufficient amount of time before unveiling my replacement and keep his jolly good fellow facade intact. Pics are appearing (and yes… i know her), and lots of ‘likes’ for them. I can’t help it… despite knowing it was going to come, despite understanding the narc-logic, it’s still such a kick in the guts. I’m sunk again. My life sucks.
So, as I said before, I eagerly await the article you mentioned, so I may feel a little more like I have some power to seize. I’m not feeling ‘the empowered empath’ thing at the moment.
I’m also eager to see this article, HG. Like gabbanzobean, I still feel frustration over the fact that everyone thinks my ex-midranger is the greatest guy in the world. I have no hope of really exposing him — first because he so effectively pre-smeared me with most of his friends and family before the discard, and second because I moved 100 miles away from him. But the only two times I’ve communicated with him in the last six months were both letting him know I see through his façade. No response to either communication, but I’ve had hints he’s very worried about what I might say about him to others. Let him worry. After 10 years of him pushing my buttons, it’s gratifying to know I can push his once in a while.
Indeed and you actually seize more power by focussing on yourself and letting him be concerned about the POSSIBILITY of further exposure rather than you running around trying to expose him. If you do the latter, you use your time and energy, many people will not listen and you tend to fall into the trap of acting as you have been smeared (crazy, hysterical, malicious).
What about when the Mid-Ranger spins the “no contact” nonsense around on us and says that things are over? For example, “Our relationship is toxic and it cannot continue. If you love me like you say you do, you will leave me alone and give me space. When I am ready I will reach out to you. I know you do not want to let me go but you are just going to have to trust that this is best.”
Last words he ever said to me right there. And he has ignored me ever since. I fell right into his nonsense and I left him alone. Is he doing this because he wants me to chase after him? I have not been chasing.