The Narcissistic Truths – No. 15
62 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Truths – No. 15”
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Hi Jenna, I only can say, superxena said the truth. Do not forget, he demands her (the IPPS) to do all the normal things: washing, cleaning, solving his financial matters, caring for the children and so on. She is always exhausted to do everything for him, so that he is content. All the time she will be said, that she is not good enough or why she looks so tired. After the golden period, she is exploited to the maximum. Why do you think, that she did not notice, that he had an affair? She had no time to look for it and always hoped that he would see, what she has done for him. When he was nice to you, he was rude to her. When he was rude to you, he was nice to her. He always needs someone where he can put his fury. If he experienced a flop at work, in his leisure, at sports, with friends, the IPPS is the one who gets the fury. It is bad behaviour, nothing else. He is someone who wants to do only the good things (of course for himself), never accepts a duty. No, do not be jealous of her, better support her. He is a big ballon, full with beautiful-but lied words. All the nice events you had with him were paid by someone else. Maybe you spent a nice weekend in a super hotel- very expensive- at the same time his children have to beg for new shoes, because he says, he has no money at all (Just an example) See, what he really is – a huge Egoist – with a sadistic joy – to hurt other people.
I believe HG, that he is not able to feel joy, but many other narcissists are able to feel it and they really enjoy their behaviour. “I am superior, I get, what I want, you are only a woman to serve me. You are my slave. It is easier for me to tell you some beautiful lies, you are so stupid and inferiour and if you dare to show resistance, you are replaced and will regret it. And if you do not regret, I will help you to regret. There are enough women, who believe my lies.” If someone would say that to you, you would run. But they do not.
Wow mona! I liked the way you described that so perfectly. Thank you. It helps.
@Jenna
Thank you for your answer and for sharing! I really hope that through the knowledge given on this site you would be able to understand more about the position you are at now.
I really think that you DESERVE BETTER than that you describe he is giving you. You are far more WORTH than you believe you are now.
Just a reflexion: if you see yoursel on two or three years, would you still like to be at the same position regarding him? As for own experience ..they never change..hard to accept it..but that’s the way it is..
Read Exorcism and then you can exchange with me some thoughts about your reading?
Best wishes!!
SX, i find you very sweet to care about me and to be so persistent. In that case, how can i refuse to read ‘Exorcism’? I will download it soon. In time, i just expect his texts to be less frequent, and perhaps eventually zero. This will make it easy for me to slowly wean off of him as well. Thank you again. 💗
Well done. Remember this is your life and you deserve all the happiness in the world, accepting any less is not living.
Hello Jenna!
Your welcome!
Good to hear that you will start reading Exorcism..would be interesting to see how( not “if) you change your present perspective after reading it! BTW..I think I read somewhere that you were jealous of his future IPPS? You should feel sympathy and sorrow for her instead…knowing exactly what is waiting for her. Believe me ….being an IPPS is a lot worse than an IPSS…the devalues are more often,more intensivley cruel .. The machinations more subtile..I was an IPPS for 6 years until I managed to escape him. I feel good now…stronger and finding the joy of enjoying life again!!!
Best wishes!!!!
SX, i’m sorry you had to go through that. Thank you for sharing it with me. It helps bring things into perspective. But the respite must be wonderful? I know whenever i was with my ex face to face, he was absolutely the kindest, most gentle, sweetest, responsive, affectionate person ever. The deval was very short (few days) and consisted of future faking meetings, and silence mostly. I would say i spent 80% of my time in the golden period, and in respite with him. So i wonder if his wife will experience 80% of wonderful times?
Hello Jenna!
Thank you and I am glad that I can help you in some way by sharing my story with you.
No,I do not think his wife will experience 80% of wonderful times. Quite the opposite.The shifts between cold and hot with her will be more frequent ,more “raw” since she is closest to him. You do not get that because you do not see him so often .He has you in a “shelf” ( as cruel as it seems) so he can get whatever he wants from you when he requires it.
So either way..as an IPPS or IPSS the cycle of abuse follows the same pattern…
Good luck with Exorcism!!!
Thank you SX.💗
Your welcome Jenna!
BTW..I forgot to answer you about the respite period. No!! It didn’t feel wonderful…it was a period of anguish and anxiety not knowing what was coming next..Every time hoping that that would be the last time..I just wanted to escape him!!.I was not strong enough THEN to resist his hoovers..
Actually I think that the respite period is the one that reinforces the addiction to them more powerfully…I have wrote a quote about the manipulators using this strategy: giving you what you crave and then threatening you to take it away or taking it away. You then just are hanging on the addiction!
You can read more about this on HG’s articles that talk about the different Battles: the Emotional, Head vs Heart and the one of cool and hard logic!
How do you experience the “Respite Period”
SX, thank you for taking the time to explain more thoroughly what it was like in your situation.
HG
all the below are his texts and many more even more “elegant” and ” loving”
He is doing this all the time now, but when together he keeps in humiliating, and mistreat me..
i know you have written a lot about it, but why he does that now so intensely, but when togethet its hell??? 😢
Oh, I love you: you transformed my whole life; you brought my world to life with your love, your beauty, your inspiration and your wonder…
Now I know that I have to be that Phoenix: I have to transform this situation, and I have to overcome and emerge from these problems such as my temper.
Ohh, mio amore, I have always loved you. I will transform this situation completely!
Tu sei veramente il mio angelo amorevole.”
Indy is right, key word *SEEMS*. They go to a lot of lengths to make us believe we cannot escape.
I’m actually relieved that I caused him enough narc injuries to him that he has no taste into hoovering me or even keeping any sort of ownership. better fish to be found elsewhere, easier prey so to speak. I can only keep hurting him. That is the escape, isn’t it? To be so anti-toxic as to be deadly to the toxic person… to put off the narc so completely there is no win for them, no fuel and plenty of injury if they even try and attempt it…
since leaving him I’ve been targeted by other narcs… none of them have found purchase but I’m now getting a kick out of seeing just how different each is in method.
The important word is SEEMS.
Jenna – my ex wants to remain friends as well but I’m not sure I can. He has a new girlfriend and is definitely pulling the triangulation card.
How do you do it? Do you see one another?
Confused, my ex moved to another state so we don’t see each other. He wanted to visit me, but i declined. I was afraid it may lead to intimacy, which would imcrease the oxytocin levels and make me more attached to him. I didn’t want that. He texts me every wk or every two wks to ask about my well being. He obviously wants fuel, but that’s fine with me. I still enjoy engaging with him. He is polite and pleasant.
Never accept the friends card, your then on a hiding to nothing if you do. I reluctantly declined. I said I do not understand your friends as I don’t sleep with all my friends. He said your clever you are. Yuck I don’t want to be put on and taken off the shelf when his need arises. Nah. Jog on.
Confused, my ex doesn’t have a new ipps. He is religious and doesn’t believe in pre-marital sex, though we engaged in it. He strayed, but has since mended his ways. It is easier to be his friend knowing that there’s no new gf.
ISeeYou – so you’re saying a narc won’t ever commit to a single mother…ever?
HG – would you agree?
We will not commit in the sense that you understand of the word because as I have explained we do not attach to people in that way. We will however attach a single mother to us if they will fulfil the Prime Aims and they have the relevant empathic, class and special traits. The fact they are a single mother does make them anathema to us, not at all.
So if the single mother fuels you better than the one without kids you would choose the single mother? I know you would just have both but if there would be a situation where you had to choose?
Correct (I am so pleased you recognised I would go for both – you are learning!)
You would go for both? You cheating devil! But i already knew that i guess. Share the wealth lol! In real life, this would bother me, but on the blog, injecting some humour doesn’t hurt!
In my vast experience with narcs they don’t care if you have pets, children, boyfriends or a husband. It’s not like they’re staying.
HG,
It might seem impossible to escape…but it is NOT. Somewhere deep,deep inside says that we stay as long as WE WANT to believe in your false construct…but once we see through you …there is not point in staying…the escape is then imminent…
So why keep on constructing a false world ( a relationship) if YOU know it is going to collapse ….it is like building up every time a ” sand castle”… on and on again….
Because of the hope that this time it will not.
Yes HG… I understand …then you have HOPE that this time will work…so perhaps you can consider this time to modify certain behaviours so it will work? I do not recall exactly the quote but it is something like this: ” You cannot reach perfection by training the same wrongs”…If you do not modify certain “wrongs” there is a huge risk of getting the same outcome…the sand castle that collapses ..as it always has…What do you think about this? Trusting in someone could be a good start? I am not trying to change you logic…that I have understood it is implossible…but modifying certain behaviours? This is perhaps what you are going to talk about in one of your coming books?
Absolutely HG
That is me:
Hoping that ” this time” he will acts truly all his declarations of love and promises.
And this is going on for 8 years
the previous 2 years were just friendship.
Man, i am exausted to just hope..
We stay because our hope lies in the golden period (your false love) and you stay because you hope the “sand castle” won’t collapse this time. Yet, we just keep disappointing each other over and over again. This is just one big bloody mess and we are all in it together, thanks to dysfunctional parenting. Brilliant!
As you said there is always an end, don’t waste time.
I escaped. But then he hoovered for two months and i finally gave in. We didn’t re-establish the formal relationship though. We’re now just friends.
Hello Jenna!
Sorry to hear that he hoovered you back…I do not know about your story or which kind of narc you ex is..but why still being friends with him??? Why don’t you cut the strings completely? You are just givng him the power to ” use” you back again when he pleases it…Why don’t you cut the cord once and for all??? Of my own experience..you are never really ” friend” to them…
Hello Jenna again,
I forgot to tell you that if you find it difficult to cut the strings..I would recommend you strongly to read one of HG’s books( if you have not read it yet it) that help me a lot with cutting the final cord: Exorcism
Thank you SX.
Your welcome HG..
SX, thx for the recommendation. I have read many of HG’s books, but not ‘Exorcism.’ I read ‘Fury’, ‘Fuel’, ‘Chained’, ‘Sitting Target’, ‘Sex and the Narcissist’, and a few others. Basically, i am trying to understand him and help him better understand himself. I told him he’s a narc and he accepted it after approx one month. In the past he’s said ‘i don’t have emotions’, ‘there’s something not right with me’, ‘this world is not for me’, ‘my mind is messed up’, ‘you will only see your reflection’, ‘i lost my identity.’ So i wanted him to know that this is a disorder, there is a name for it – narcissism, and that he’s not alone. There are many narcs in the world. He has a better understanding now of why his ‘heart is always burning’, ‘his mind seems empty’ (his words), and some of his other behaviors. He is trying to change them for the better, as much as his narcissism will allow.
Hi SX, my ex is a covert mid-ranger. He became depressed after i escaped him and he was exposed to 7 pple. He wanted to commit suicide, isolate himself, was experiencing memory loss, and felt like a failure, despite being a successful professional. Basically, he was facing low fuel levels. He reached out to me for advice and sympathy (fuel) and i gave it to him. I couldn’t see him in that condition and i wanted him to get better. He is actually a good friend. Just last wk i was feeling down about something. He texted me and i told him i am feeling down. He said “let’s talk about it. I can make you feel better.” He was very sweet and i did feel better after talking (texting actually). He gains fuel frm our interaction but i don’t mind. I gain his friendship. I still care about him. He suffered an abusive childhood.
Hello Jenna!
Thank you for sharing you story with me. I really do not know the details of your relationship with your ex narcissist but if you are here participating in this site it is because he abused you in some way? You were submitted to either psychological ,verbal or (hopefully not ) physical abuse? What I am trying to tell you is that he probably was not really nice to you or he was shifting between good and bad to you? Why do you think that you owe him something? If he really is going through some fuel crisis it is NOT your fault..it has never been!! Or perhaps he is playing the “victim” role to keep you hanging on? For how long are you willing to hang on? You say that he does not have another IPPS…but have you considered that he has another or several intimate partners that you do not know about? If you say that he is very religious and that is why(hard for me to see a connection between being religious and not having pre-marital sex) he does not believe in pre-marital sex but in despite that he did with you? That tells a little bit that he is not really congruent between what he says and what he does. If he did it with you..what says that he can’t do it again with someone else?
What I am saying perhaps sounds harsh to you.But it is necessary to see it with cold logic..
I am telling you this for you perhaps to consider the “real value” of his friendship…what is positive for you to have him as a friend instead of trying to build up a giving ,healthy relationship with a non narcissist?
It would be very sad to see you hanging on to him until he does not need you any more and then what?
I really recommend you to read the book Exorcism…there you can read how and why they operate specially at the position you find yourself now of “addiction” to the narcissist . It really helps you to understand how to resist the hoovers he is sending you ( texting you sometimes) and how to fight against them.
One more question: what is he doing actively to change his behaviours? You wrote that he “accepted” that he is a narcissist? It seems to me that he is saying that just as an ” Emergency” hoover.
From my own experience my ex narc agreed to go to different couple therapies ( 5 to be exact) ..but no deep/real change occurred…he adapted some behaviours but it did not last for long…we always fell back into the same cycle of abuse…
I really hope that you find this helpful!And you will definitely find the book Exorcism VERY HELPFUL! Cut the cord!! You can do it! Nothing good comes from keeping any attachment to them!!
Best wishes!!
I second that. Well said.
No contact and you are your only responsibility.
Take care of you as you are worth it. No one can change your mind it has to be you. I can understand because I never thought I would ever say this: abuse feels wonderful: in the beginning. It’s not authentic. It is what it is a big big big lie/game.
Thank you SVR…! We owe them nothing…
When you write : “Abuse feels wonderful in the beginning ” are you referring ( I hope) to the false construct they do during the Golden Period of seduction? That they make us feel wonderful based on false premises?
Yes that is what I think as it is not authentic. I wish you all the best. Kesp going 😃
SVR, I know there are many on this blog who believe greatly in self-love, self-care etc. But my thinking is a little different. I believe more in forgiveness, especially if the narc has suffered childhood abuse. Childhood abuse makes me very angry, hurt, upset, tearful. That is why anybody who has suffered abuse as an innocent child will have me trying to understand them rather than running the other way to only fend for myself.
Of course, there is a limit. If the narc continues the abuse, i won’t tolerate it.
Jenny I understand what you are saying as I use to be like that. You are entitled to your opinion but my opinion changed once I had my awakening. As hard as it sounds I am not responsible for anyone but myself. That is healthy not unhealthy. The past of someone else is not my concern. I was truly shit on by a female friend with a lot of her problems, if they were real at all. A vital thing to remember is you only have one side of the story. As HG has told me I am taking the power. Well actually I am not interested in power, I only want to protect my family and me. Onto a hiding to nothing if I try any different. I wish you well. Take care.
SVR, thank you for your comment. I appreciate all comments here.
Jenna blooming predictive text, apologies
Hi SX, the abuse i faced was mainly him postponing our meetings. I am borderline and i cannot tolerate separation or rejection. So it would give me a panic attack. But once i told him how much it affects me, he stopped doing it. He decided it would be better not to plan in advance at all lol! Also, after we ‘broke up’, he began having casual sex with other women. Even though we were no longer together, this hurt me
since i am v sensitive.
I do not think i owe him something nor do i think his fuel crisis is my fault. However, my heart does go out to him because he was sexually abused in childhood by an adult male for 3 yrs. If i can help him, why not? As long as it’s not hurting me. I know many pple will disagree with me here, but that is how i feel.
Connection btwn religion and pre-marital sex: he believes it is a sin to engage in pre-marital sex and that God forbids it. But yes, he did engage in it. That is definitely incongruent. He says he was lost, and that he lost his identity. But he regrets it, he thinks he will go to hell, so he repented, and he has since stopped it. I know he doesn’t have any new ipps because i signed up under a false ID on two casual sex websites he is registered on, and it shows him as inactive for over a year. I msged him there anonymously, but he remains inactive. He is determined to leave his sinful ways and get back to his previous holier than thou self.
I am in a relationship with a non-narc. He knows that i am in touch with my ex and it doesn’t bother him, as long as we don’t see each other.
My ex is doing many things actively to change his behaviors. He is trying to practice cognitive empathy, he is always checking to make sure i’m doing well because now he has a fear of not knowing when he has or has not hurt me. He is always apologizing to me just in case he’s hurt me and doesn’t know it. Rn, i am not at a place where i am ready to cut the cord with him. The most i do is not talk to him on the phone, i do not meet him, i do not text him. But i do reply to his texts, not right away though. Sometimes i make him wait hours or until the next day, depending on how busy i am. HG said i am an NISS now. It’s fine with me. I see nothing wrong with it. I know many pple will disagree with me here as well. But that is how i feel.
He is really very sweet, pleasant, polite, engaging, and tries his best to make me feel good. He asked if we can be best friends forever. I don’t know about forever, but for now i’m taking it one day at a time.
Thank you for your comment and your concern. As long as i have you lovely pple here and HG, i’ll be fine.
Does he want to be more than friends?
KT, he realized that women are demanding of his time, ask too many questions lol, so he doesn’t want a relationship. He wants to be free right now.
Totally agree with this: there is a way out if you look hard enough but more importantly you want it. Just saying.
Definitely don’t have sex with them right now. They’re all bored of women and having sex with each other. You’ll end up getting feces all up in there. But also, stop cooking for them and definitely don’t clean anything unless it starts to smell.
If you’re stuck with a man in your house, get him to do the cooking. They’ve become so full of estrogen from beer and liquor, it seems they actually enjoy it.
Oh yeah, if you’re a single mom, DO NOT DATE ANYONE! There’s absolutely NO reason for a single man to date or marry a woman who already has children. There are just far too many women out there who do not have kids. Think about it…
It’s simply not logical for a man to become involved with that situation unless he has ulterior motives. I’m sure that sounds harsh, but the truth is ugly.
Men who date or marry women with children from a previous relationship ARE NOT GOOD!
Please see the article No Good Advice.
Hahaha
nothing like a backhanded slap… whew!
Somatic Narcissist for sale! I mean free to good home. (Good home not for long)
Need replacement primary source. ASAP!
High quality fuel only!
Must be willing to do all chores.
Cook meals.
Run all errands.
Say yes sir.
Don’t expect flowers or romance. Your bday and anniversary don’t exist.
Expect things to get broken.
Including your heart.
Silent treatments only last a couple days, he cant go that long without sex.
Tell him he is doing a good job. Even though you’ll be the one doing it all.
If you work as a nurse that’s a plus. He wants to be a stay a home dad.
Sex on demand.
You will be manipulated into watching porn. He will say he wants to watch HGTudor do you from behind. Lol. (I didn’t fall for it this time)
Must resemble a porn star.
Please only accept this offer if you have a pierced, shaved, tattooed pussy, breast implants and pierced nipples. Anything less will not satisfy his fuel needs.
All qualified applicants will be accepted.
Waitlist for secondary and tertiary sources also accepted. (The shelf)
I want to make sure he has plenty of fuel lined up, so he doesn’t come back. (Hoover)
Planning my escape.
IPPS
I actually have no desire to escape at this moment. Things are going good. But if things change I will be prepared. Thank you HG for all your valuable information.
How often do you get them to quit their job, sell their house, take out a joint loan etc?
As is required by my needs. It’s not an outcome every time.
I actually found the key to it all. Tell men you would rather die than commit a mortal sin (especially sex outside of a Catholic Sacrament.) That includes hand and breast and mouth blow jobs. They will think “Is this a trick?” then you will never see them again. Problem solved.
Lol
Breast? oh nevermind… 😊
Good idea except then you end up with a cerebral narc who doesn’t like sex. My ex Narc tho was into sex at the beginning got me hooked then denied me sex. Sick really, the pleasure of denying gave him more of a thrill. Easier to get over them tho, hell hath no fury etc. It was just him and his hand for a while after that.
Mrs Linton. The ex tHiNg was Cerebral too. I thanked God everyday!!!! I turned the tables of his punishment on him though, by making him think it was MY idea we werent having sex! Slipped on his dirty ass big time! We’re now divorced. 🙂
Cc
Are you still a virgin then?
I am just curious.