Show and Tell
It is well known that our kind operate by the wearing of masks. We have learned how to portray those emotions which we do not feel. We have ascertained that in certain situations we are expected to respond in a particular way. We know that by donning a particular mask we are more likely to charm and seduce you. We are aware that maintaining a certain mask the vicious malevolence that lurks beneath can be kept in check so that we achieve acceptability and the advancement of our agendas. There are occasions when we will give you a glimpse of what lies beneath this mask. I am not referring to when we whip the mask off and subject you to devaluation. That is a purposeful and intended act on our part. I am not making reference to when the mask fractures as a consequence of the ignition of our fury and the lesser and mid-range of our kind are unable to keep the mask in place so that the ignited fury erupts and the malicious beast is unleashed. There are occasions however when we provide you with a fleeting glance beneath the mask as to what lies beneath. This will happen during the seduction period. Sometimes it is as a consequence of the effect of a particular agent, such as alcohol. Sometimes, especially with the greater of our kind, it is done as deliberate act in order to gauge your reaction. In such an instance, we tell you of what lies ahead to see if you baulk at the suggestion, or that more likely you respond in a sympathetic manner of even by way of denial.
“I couldn’t ever imagine you doing that.”
“That won’t happen with me though. It might have with other people but I will treat you better than they have.”
“You’re not like that, don’t be silly.”
“I don’t see you doing something like that, you are too nice.”
If you respond in such terms when you have been given such a warning, then this is a green light to us that we have you under our control and that you will accord with our desires and machinations. It also allows us, when we do eventually behave in the manner described down the line during the devaluation, to throw it back in your face by saying.
“I did warn you.”
“Why are you complaining? I was upfront that this would happen.”
“I told you so.”
“It’s no use crying about it now. I told you what I was like.”
“I told you and you chose to stay with me. It is your fault.”
Not only does this enable us to avoid blame, something we must achieve, it will also result in you reacting and providing us with fuel.
With the lesser or mid-range of our kind, these comments are more akin to thinking aloud. The mask does slip, unintentionally for a moment, through the explanation of a future behaviour before it is realised what has been said and the disclosure is brushed to one side, denied or passed off as a silly comment owing to drink or being tired. Why do these comments arise in such a manner from the lesser and mid-range of our kind? Is it guilt or remorse? No, because those emotions are not felt by our kind. It arises from a lack of control. The “bad” behaviour that will arise at some point is lurking beneath the surface and like a cat fighting to get out of a sack, it is always wanting to make an appearance but is prevented from doing so by the maintenance of the mask that is worn. Occasionally, through the loss of control – it may be drink, it may be fatigue, it may be through inattention – what lurks beneath makes a brief and fleeting appearance before the control is exerted once again. Here are fifteen portentous show and tells of our kind. Should you ever hear these comments you ought to pay heed to the warning that you are being given.
- I am a bad person really.
- I will only hurt you.
- You should stay away from me.
- I do bad things. I cannot help it. I always do.
- I will make you wish you had never met me.
- It will go wrong, it always does.
- You will end up hating me.
- You don’t know what you are getting into with me.
- You shouldn’t do this.
- You should leave while you can.
- This is going to turn out badly.
- I have to hurt people.
- I don’t want to hurt you, but I will.
- I just want to fit in.
- I’m not what you think I am.
47 thoughts on “Show and Tell”
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My N told me early in our relationship that when she met her future best friend they dated briefly but my N told her “trust me you don’t want to date me, you’d much rather be my friend”. Lucky her…stupid me.
Clarece, i was just bugging him, trying to give him some extra remote fuel, and maybe a laugh or two lol! I know he has a v busy life. I don’t know how he does all he does. And he’s gracious enough to fit us into his schedule.
But i have to say, i did find that i kept checking my phone to see when he posts comments. I’m getting quite dependent/addicted to his support and the lovely pple here.
Jenna have you ever tried self soothing?! Not saying you’re needy but… Oh, dammit, yes, I am!
DJ, self soothing, like those monkeys they isolated frm their mothers to see their reaction? They self soothed by rocking back and forth. Heartless experimenters! But ya, maybe i’ll try it! Actually…, i’ll pass. HG would find me ‘pathetic’ and ‘disgusting’ (his words frm one of his articles) and would discard me frm his blog in two minutes flat! Unless of course, the 5 rules prevent that lol!!
Jenna HG would never do that he enjoys the attention too much. Who cares if anyone thinks you’re pathetic? What matters is what YOU think. You’re right about the monkeys, I do find myself rocking gently on occasion, that and sucking my thumb. Works for me 🙂
DJ, lol!
If someones uses the phrases 1-13, he knows what he is. So, there are many more narcissists who know what they are. All of them cannot be greater ones.
I just want to fit in? Is that true?
Yes because then you cannot see me coming. Plus it means one is good enough. After a lifetime of being told that is not the case, it is what we want.
Ah now I see, thank you for clarifying. This really saddens me as your lack of self validation, coupled with your constant sense of being let down by people conspires to ensure it will never be the case. You will never fit in. If it were possible then you wouldn’t have to worry about our seeing you coming as you wouldn’t be dangerous. You live in such a catch 22, HG, it really is heart breaking.
Is my ranting giving you low grade fuel only or could it be giving you medium grade fuel since you’ve known me remotely for some time now?
Low grade.
Low grade only?! 😫😢
Careful, Jenna, HG might subject you to devaluation.
K, lol!
No offense Jenna…
You seem to be the perfect “play toy” for HG’s machinations. Don’t think you’re pathetic…just naive and gullible.
A “sitting duck” so to speak.
Have you thought about the possibility you might be fishing for reverse fuel(aka drama) to feed your codependency? Jus sayin😉
Lansealan, i am borderline, so i guess i create drama. But that is my second option. My first option is to withdraw frm the situation. I created drama over the wknd with HG. Hope he didn’t mind 😁
I read somewhere here that as a greater, he feels challenged by borderlines, so sometimes i like to exhibit those traits here just to bug him. 😜
I don’t, I find borderlines easy to toy with, away from here of course.
‘Easy to toy with…’ Good to know! Lol!
Lolll
Another possibility is that you have grown accustomed to and are comfortable with a subservient role?
Lansealan, i was the youngest in my family, so i am accustomed to being bossed around by elders, pple making decisions for me, etc. It is what i am comfortable with. I don’t mind it. It takes the weight off my shoulders.
Omg girlie, no wonder I got you pegged. The ex is BPD/NPD and my lil Sis (estranged) is BPD. Bet I could fairly accurately describe a day in the life of Jenna…ha.
Lansealan, looks like you have experience with borderlines. You are correct. You recognized me well! I’m sorry you’re estranged frm your sister though.
Parents divorced when she was 7…
She’s the baby of 3 kids…I’m the only brother and she has spent 50 yrs trying to make me her daddy…drives me nuts! CodaMommy treats her as the golden child even tho she knows she has issues. Had no choice but to cut her off…now she sends me fake hate letters…uggghhh. Lol
Lansealan, fake hate letters? That sounds awful! No wonder you decided to keep distance.
I say fake because all she’s trying to do is guilt and shame. I see right thru it. She just wants sympathy…I won’t give it…I tell her to grow up…lol.
Lansealan, “i tell her to grow up” haha! That’s what big brothers r for 😉
She’s 56…going on 14.
Not much hope…lol. 😔
Lansealan, awww…
Don’t be sad. You never know how it might turn out. In the meantime, you have us!
During the GP, after a bottle of wine(or two) playfully dancing in the living room…Her singing a song by Taio Cruz/Ludicris…looking me square in the face.
“I’m only gonna break break ya break break ya heart
I’m only gonna break break ya break break ya heart
I’m only gonna break break ya break break ya heart”
At the moment thought it was cute and didn’t think much about it. Shoulda paid more attention as she would occaisionally be singing it in the car and around the house, right? Hindsight, stupid naive me. Lol.
Here’s the lyrics…sounds pretty narc to me, huh HG? (doubt you seriously would like this song …but I could imagine you using it. Even cruisin downtown with the top down, stereo loud) lol
“Luda, now I may not be the worst or the best but you gotta respect my honesty
And I may break your heart but I don’t really think there’s anybody as bomb as me
So you can take this chance in the end, everybody’s gonna be wondering how you deal
You might say this is Ludacris but Taio Cruz tell her how you feel
Now listen to me baby
Before i love and leave you
They call me heart breaker
I don’t wanna deceive you
If you fall for me
I’m not easy to please
I’mma tear you apart
Told you from the start, baby from the start
Chorus:
I’m only gonna break break ya break break ya heart
I’m only gonna break break ya break break ya heart
I’m only gonna break break ya break break ya heart
I’m only gonna break break ya break break ya heart
Theres not point trying to hide it
No point trying to evade it
I know I got a problem
Problem with misbehaving
Chorus
So you can take this chance in the end, everybody’s gonna be wondering how you deal
You might say this is Ludacris but Taio Cruz tell her how you feel
Chorus
That’s all I’m gonna do woman
Listen, now I’m only gonna break yo heart
And shatter and splatter it all into little bitty pieces
Whether or not you get it all together then it’s finders keepers and losers weepers
See I’m not tryin’ to lead you on, no I’m only tryin’ to keep it real
You might say this is Ludacris, but Taio Cruz tell her how you feel
Chorus
Hey and I know karma’s gonna get me back for bein’ so cold
Hey, like a big bad wolf, I’m born to be bad and bad to the bone
Hey, if you fall for me, I’m only gonna tear you apart
Hey, told ya from the start, hey
Chorus
Lansealan…i had a similiar song with my narc. We both like canadian singer burton cummings and early on hed serenade me the song “shes come undone”. I found it odd early on in our relationship hed choose this type of song to sing to me but now its clear as day he was foreshadowing what was to come. In a way poking fun and slipping the mask using a song. In essence he was warning me too. He was saying i didnt know what i was in for and was naive. I wanted truth but all i got was lies. Eventually id lose myself and come undone. Back then 6 yrs ago i knew in my heart of hearts and gut what he was showing and telling me but i thought what harm is there continuing on. Heed the warnings and take them seriously.
Your narc sounded like a real loser. They love to think themselves the ultimate decievers. Its an artform to them.
Thanks NA….
Ya…she is a lost cause for sure. I found it interesting you mentioned 6yrs…I’m 6mnths NC after 6yrs of surreal fog. Her previous was 6yrs as well, probably just coincidence? As far as the music goes…I trully believe she(ex) used songs to live her life…like they were real…and she believed they were telling her story of her thoughts, feelings etc. Funny funny…she would “pretend” that she was “butt calling me” with her singing certain songs as she was driving…with no dialog. She just wanted me to hear her singing the songs…”her songs” which were typically descriptive of her projection of guilt/shame back on me. However, I now know, the words in the songs really were her “reality”. Absolute fantasy land…
They (narcs) can use almost anything to send a message to us. I equate it to a killer leaving a clue behind at the crime scene, except theyre warning us ahead of time what theyre all about. They are also smug about leaving clues and letting the mask slip briefly to gauge our reaction. They want to see if we will confront them on it or ignore the warnings. Its so subtle and covert that you cant say anything(which i have many times) or they say oh youre reading too much into it. Its awful being involved with a split personality and knowing they take a certain pride in their deception. Where the pride comes from i dont know. Hurting and decieving anyone can do. That doesnt make a person special. Its a game to them all of it. We invest our hearts and souls and its all just a measly game to narcissists. Its heartbreaking. If i could go back 6 yrs ago id runnnn. Id never allow myself to love a dysfunctional person. I wish there was a switch to turn off my feelings for him but heartbreak and no contact are the only way. Its incredibly difficult.
Forgot to add that im envious of your 6 months ive only gotten to one week. 6 months is awesome! Keep going youll get there 👍
NA, It does get easier😉
I know it’s cliche…but true.
Might take a few attempts…so be forgiving of yourself. When you’re benefit of doubts tank runs dry and empty…you will be done and gone…long gone.
What did the Indian say to the cowboy when his dog fell off the cliff?
“Dog Gone”
“If you don’t come back in one hour, i’m gonna text him” – ok that sounded like an ultimatum but it wasn’t. I’ll control myself as long as i can. And i don’t have the right to give you anything that even sounds like an ultimatum. I apologize. Pls pretty pls come back? 😁😊😉
Wait, you prefer negative fuel. So let’s do this again. Pls pretty pls come back?😠😡😠
Jenna, are you busting his chops with these comments or dead serious?
You know he has his personal life. Whenever the blog goes quiet on his side I shrug it off because I figure he’s travelling for work (or new fuel). Lol
The time to worry would be when he stops posting articles. That would be the telltale sign something is up on his end.
Ok HG, intelligent artist/writer/creator/problem solver/therapist, i am feeling better bombarding you with senseless msgs. It is connecting me to the blog even though i’m receiving no replies. So i am a little calmer now. But i don’t know how long that will last! 😩
Ok, if you don’t come back soon then i will feel like texting my ex. Usually, i never text him. I wait for him to text me. See what you’ve done?! I use you as a replacement for him (a ‘greater’ replacement of course so no need to get furious lol). If you don’t come back in one hour, i’m gonna text him. You don’t want that do you? Actually, i guess you don’t really care. My borderline trsits are really coming out today. Help!!!
“I need you… ”
Did that ignite your fury? It would ignite my ex’s fury i think. He hates being ‘needed’ by anyone. He wants to be ‘free.’
“I think i don’t know how to talk to pple”
“Sorry i got angry yesterday. I can’t help it”
HG, where in the world are you? Are you travelling? I like to read comments at bedtime but there are no posts. I feel like my support system (your blog) has gone on sabbatical. I’ve become so dependent on it. If you don’t come back soon, i’ll probably have a panic attack. I know you don’t care, but plsssss come back! I know i should exercise patience but my anxiety level is rising as i am v v sensitive. I need you and the lovely pple here! 😩
Good evening dear G. Hope You are well. ❤
I am excellent well Maddie, I hope you are as well.
When will You visit Rotherham dear G.?
I was there recently as a matter of fact.
And You haven’t even said hi to me? 😭