Tenacity
You do not give up easily do you? We are pleased that this is the case. You try to resurrect what we once had. You will look to resuscitate our relationship. You want to breathe new life into you and me. You want to salvage what you can from the wreckage and build something anew. You will not let the life slip from what we have, you will not step out of the tangled and twisted remains and walk away. No, you try. You try to make it work, you try to see what can be done, you try to sort things out. You try to make everything right again, you try to make us happy, you try to please us, how you try to please us. You try to fix us, you try to banish these demons which plague us, you try to shed light and joy. You try when everything seems lost, you try when all seems pointless and you try despite everything else suggesting that what we are is a lost cause. You try because you believe in hope.
But what is this hope that has you trying on a superhuman scale, which has you wiping away the tears, picking yourself up, dusting yourself down and standing up once more to try to do the right thing? If you were not with our kind but someone normal and the relationship was foundering would you try as you do with us? Of course you would try and steer the good ship towards calmer waters but you would not try to the same extent as you do with us. Where two people find they no longer have anything in common, they may be content to leave matters as they are and drift along in neutrality. It is not heady and wonderful but neither is it awful. Is beige such a terrible place to be? There is security, the children have grown up and you have your separate interests. There is no hatred, far from it, but neither is there passion any longer, but something in the middle. This is deemed as acceptable and you are happy to trundle along in this manner. You do not try to rekindle those early days of your honeymoon period. In other instances, this mediocrity is found to be stifling. If you hear another gardening anecdote or incident at the bowling club, you will go spare. You want to travel and experience new things. Your other half is more interested in the home brew and the latest episode on television. There is no hatred, there is no passion but this time the middle is deemed suffocating and unacceptable. You do not try to rekindle what you once had but instead decide you want something else. You move on to something else, be it a single life with new pursuits or finding a new person who shares your interests. The separation is amicable, fair-minded and there is no turbulence. The relationship ran its course and you saw no reason to try to make it anything different.
Yet with us it is so different isn’t it? You try your absolute best to get things back on track, you try until you are shattered and exhausted, bewildered and confused. How can you not achieve what we once had again? Why is it so elusive? Yet you do not give up. You keep on trying. Again and again.
Such is the intoxicating power of the golden period, such is the addiction of this utterly falsified state of affairs, such is the massive attraction of that seemingly perfect love, you try your damnedest to resurrect it. Sometimes there is a glimmer of a return or even a brief sortie to that promised land once again and you know that your repeated trying has succeeded. It never lasts. It never stays. Still, you exhibit that indefatigable spirit as you try once more, looking to rekindle that special love we once had.
You even begin to sacrifice pieces of yourself in order to try to bring it back. You try to guess what we want all the time. You walk on those eggshells in order to avoid disrupting the fragile peace. You agree to do things you would never have countenanced once upon a time but hey, it is worth trying isn’t it? You decide to spend more time with us, sacrificing your relationships with your friends and with your family, but you have to try don’t you? You cannot be said to have not tried to make this work and if you had it once then surely you can get it again can’t you? You submit to more and more of our demands, demeaning yourself, degrading yourself and suffering our repeated denigrations but you convince yourself that this is all worth doing because you are trying to achieve a greater aim. You have hope that you will succeed and bring back that elusive golden period. You forgo invitations to events because you know it will displease us. You do not invite people to the house to avoid causing a disruption to the evening, since we want peace and quiet. You try not to say anything when we return late from who knows where. You try to remain silent when we spend hours staring into the screen on our laptops, tapping away, our minds somewhere else. You retreat, back-off and compromise, giving away more and more of yourself and your life as you try to succeed.
Thus here is the awful warped nature of being ensnared by us. In a normal relationship you may not try to the same extent because the excitement and passion was not as it was with us. Yet, this relationship is one where trying will bring about success. Yes, you won’t establish that paradise that exists when we seduce you, but it never actually existed to begin with. It is a fiction. However, trying to succeed with someone normal and healthy is entirely achievable. You will not, by contrast, ever succeed with us. You can try over and over and over again but for all this effort and endeavour you will not get what you want. What we once granted you will only ever be given again in small doses and then only as part of this continuing manipulation so that you remain in our grip so we can gather fuel until we throw you aside. No matter how determined you are, no matter how great your resolve, no matter the fact that you put every breath, every ounce of effort in to trying to make things work between you and us so everything is golden, it will never ever work. It cannot because you cannot control the golden period. Only we can and we choose who is granted it and when in accordance with our need for control and fuel.
Try to understand that.
34 thoughts on “Tenacity”
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It seems this works as any other addiction:
” If you are an approval addict,your behaviour is as easy to control as that of any other junkie.All a manipulator need do is a simple two-step process: Give you what you crave, and then threaten to take it away.Every drug dealer in the world plays the game.” By Harriet B. Braiker
if that is not the truth, superxena! Give then take it away…
@ Ms brown
Hello Ms brown…yes…their “modus operandi” is very simple once the addiction is established ..but of devastating consequences for the ones that are or have been entangled with them…
I wish i had read this before I wasted so much of my time, love and effort trying to fix something hat couldn’t be fixed.
An oft repeated sentiment PHJ.
This is so well written and explained and sadly very REAL.
Thank you Nikita.
It really sucks and I am trying to understand it. It is a work in progress and I am almost there.
“Such is the intoxicating power of the golden period…”
I believe it is the contrast frm love to silence that has us hooked, not necessarily the intoxication of the golden period. One day we are treated well, the next day we are treated with silence, the next day with an apology and a future fake, the following wk treated well again. It’s enough to confuse you and give you panic attacks. That’s why we try to resurrect it. We think we did something wrong, because it doesn’t make sense to us.
Haha who gets an apology? My narc will freeze me out then come back a week later like nothing happened.
Shannon, i get so many apologies frm him. He doesn’t know when he upsets me due to not having empathy, so he is constantly apologizing, in fear that he may have upset me.
There in lies the dilemma, will I ever be satisfied with beige?
No.
Damn it.
A well written blog which perfectly encapsulates a ‘relationship’ with a cluster B type.
Thank you Scout.
You may see things that are not there. We are human beings and we act like that. It’s normal to feel affection, kindness, warmth; it doesn’t mean we are in love with someone if we are kind and hopeful about them.
We want to be treated like human beings because that’s who we are.
You…I have no idea what you are but you are given the dignity of a human being, because that’s who we are.
This is the most difficult thing to fully believe and accept.
So given that this is all true and given that your kind does stay married, often for decades, what kind of person is tolerating the bullshit I couldn’t? A lifer masochist?
Co-dependents, the ignorant and badly advised.
Ignorant? I think you if all people could of come up with a better word then that!
HG, I owe you an apologize! I read your comment wrong. I thought you were saying that codependents were ignorant. I’m sorry.
I tolerated two, for over 10 years each and I am fairly certain I wasn’t codependant. I even had decent self esteem at one time as well. I have always been optimistic and compassionate for sure. I believed there was good in everyone and love is all you need…. I consider myself intelligent and I am college educated as well however I was thoroughly ignorant to what I was dealing with.
I think that’s what HG meant, ignorant of exactly what you’d gotten entangled with.
I am trying to understand, but I don’t want to accept that. I am stubborn and determined. I don’t give up easily. I will continue to give 100%. I believe there is hope. I already invested 17 years. And if I am wrong at least I know I did my best.
Serena, I hear you. I’ve been in a relationship with mine for 44 years. After a point they become part of your family, and how can you un-family someone? Just like we are all different, so are the narcs.
I have been blessed that my husband is very intelligent, has learned much cognitive empathy and sees the value of family in his life. Even still there came a point when I had to divorce him for my mental and financial health. Even so, we still have a very close, practically daily relationship.
We all of us have to find our own paths. I would just say, be honest with yourself. See the reality, not what you wish it were. Continually monitor your physical and mental health. Keep reading and learning. It is your life. Do what’s best for you.
Windstorm2
Thank you!
I needed to hear that.
Serena, if you are truly with a narcissist there is no hope. None. Zip. Keep comin back. Your investment or lack of investment has nothing to do with it. And the part about being able to know you did your best…it feels like holding a handful of ashes once they’re done with you. It’s all for nothing but a destroyed life.
12345
I’m am currently trying to figure out if he really is a narcissist.
My counselor says he is, but I have my doubts. I have been in a prior relationship with a narcissist and that was the worst seven years ever. My husband seems like an angel compared to him. My counselor says that yes he is not as bad as the ex narcissist, but he is a narcissist.
That’s why I am looking for answers. I’m going to have a private consultation with HG and see if that helps clear things up.
I will certainly be able to do that for you.
You are smart to be seeking advice from wise people. My consult with HG was when I turned the corner. I was in no contact for 12 months and still didn’t get it till my consultation with HG. Sending you much hope. I’m so sorry for what I can only imagine you’re going through. From what I’ve heard, love doesn’t hurt. At least that’s what they say.
Very interesting 👏👍👌
My tenacity comes from reliving disapproval from mommy and daddy. I relive it all over again each time I find another narc because it feels like home. Chasing the approval from someone who will never give it. Desperately wanting to be special enough but never quite getting there. Surprisingly, learning here has not only helped me stay away from the most recent narc. It’s helped me rid my life of all toxic relationships. First and foremost the matrinarc. Something in me snapped. A good snap. I’ve gone no contact with her, too, and it feels fantastic. No more trying to be the daughter she always hoped for but never got from me and my sister. I’m now more important than her. It became time for me to approve of me. That’s impossible if you are involved with any narc of any kind. Thank you again, HG.
You are welcome 12345.