Offload
There comes a time when this must happen to everybody who has been ensnared by us. There is no hope for anything different. In the way that the world keeps on turning and the planets waltz around the sun, we will always cast you to one side. Of the many cruelties which we exact against you, this ranks as one of the worst. You might think that it is a blessing that the daily machinations and manipulations have ended but you will not see it that way when you are discarded. Indeed, you may not ever realise it.
You are given no warning that you are about to be dis-engagement from, although if you know to look for them, there are actually signs that point to what is about to happen. Invariably you are unable to see them because you cannot see or think clearly for the maelstrom that continues to rage around you. There are times when the dis-engagement takes place that it is almost as if we have vanished into thin air. Yesterday we met you for lunch as normal and today you have no idea where we are. You have telephoned but our number is no longer in service. You call our work but you are told that we are unavailable as our assigned gatekeeper keeps you at bay. You wait around trying to catch a glimpse of us in order to speak with us and find out what is going on. You see hide nor hair of us and rather than be angry you are worried and concerned both for us and our relationship, or at least what was once our relationship. This form of the dis-engagement is swift and brutal. Here yesterday and gone today. We put in place a ring of steel which we will not allow you to penetrate. When this form of dis-engagement has been effected you are actually receiving a double whammy of dis-engagement and an absent silent treatment. This is designed to reinforce like a hammer blow that you are no longer of any use to us. We do not want to see you, we do not want to hear from you and we do not want to read your e-mails, messages and texts. At least not yet. This form of dis-engagement arises because we have already replaced you. We have found a new primary source of fuel and he or she is a thousand times better than you. We have brought down the shutters, raised the drawbridge and built our castle walls thick and high as we now sit in the throne room with our new, wonderful and perfect primary source by our side. You have been struck from the record, deleted and erased. We do not want you distracting us from this most precious person that we have found.
The truth is that the memory of us being linked to you irritates and infuriates us. We thought that you were the one who would supply us with positive fuel always. Despite the other failures that had gone before you, you showed such promise and we gave you everything in order to seduce you. Now you are placed on the appliance pile and broken, of no current use to us. You let us down and we bristle at the thought that we even considered you might be of use to us. Your failure and the fact we chose you means that we feel criticised and the ignition of our fury results in a cold fury that creates this icy hinterland that we place between you and us. We want nothing more to do with you. Until we decide of course it is time to hoover you. This sudden and unexplained cessation of the relationship is only temporary. We will look to reinstate it at some point in order to extract hoover fuel from you, but you do not know this. All you know is that we were once there and no we are no longer and it hurts. Your soul has been wrenched from within you. It does not matter how badly we hurt you, you still wanted that golden period and our sudden departure has denied that from ever happening again, or at least that is what you are led to believe. Your pain is absolute, combined with the confusion and bewilderment.
Another way in which we cast you to one side is akin to being repeatedly dunked in a barrel of icy water. Each time your dunking lasts a little longer and you fear you cannot hold your breath any longer and this time this is it, you are on your way out, only for us to haul you out and that sweet and precious air fills your lungs, if only for an instance before you are thrust back into the water. During that interlude, as the water cleared from your eyes and you gulped great lungfuls of air you saw someone else stood by our side, watching you with a look of curiosity on their face. This is your replacement but we have not yet decided that they are to replace you as we are giving you the chance to prove yourself and provide some further fuel before we push you away and leave you spluttering and gasping on the ground beside the barrel. We never finish you off. That would be pointless. We always need to come back, not that you will realise that as you lie panting and shaking on the ground, cold and soaked, watching as we stroll away, our arm around the new prospect. This steady and controlled dis-engagement takes place as we lose interest in you but we have no desire to make our departure sudden and swift. We want to hedge our bets as we firm up our arrangements with your replacement, fine-tuning that seduction as we continue to extract fuel from you through this dunking. We push and pull, toying with your emotions. This is not part of the devaluation even though we exhibit a similar behaviour during that time when we denigrate you and then grant respite. No, this is different. When this is undertaken in an accelerated fashion then you know that it is a form of dis-engagement. We may give you a week of hell and then several weeks of the golden period before hell again. That is the push and pull of devaluation. When this technique is applied as discard it is disorientating as one day is fine and the next is not and then fine again. You feel like you are being figuratively bludgeoned and as you try and get your bearings you stagger across the boxing ring away from us only to meet another opponent who continues the beating and then sends you on your way to the next one.
These are just two forms of the way we will discard you. Why do we do it? As ever it is all about fuel. With the first it is because we have new and brilliant fuel and no longer wish to be reminded about your faltering and weak fuel. In the second we have not yet confirmed that the new source is as potent as we require and in the meanwhile we decide to continue to extract further fuel from you as your severance from us takes place in typical salami-slicing fashion. In every entanglement with our kind you will eventually be discarded. You won’t see it coming but it is always in the post, coming along the highway, wending its way towards you.
Don’t be too concerned though. No dis-engagement is for ever. We always come back for more.
27 thoughts on “Offload”
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Hi Amsodone, love the name too ❤️
I don’t know, see I was hoovered after silent treatments on and off for the last five years until I got too close to the truth. He knows without a doubt I don’t return to cheating spouses. It has been nearly a year and he had plenty of sexual supply to go too, even if a lower quality, he doesn’t care. I truly don’t think he will ever come near me, he discarded me before I found out but he knew the penny was dropping. He knows I know everything now due to his exposure and he ran away to a new address, changed his mobile number, email and blocked me on social media. A total cut off from love to hate. He’s very arrogant and grandiose and has experienced abandonment as a two year old by his mother. This man can’t risk rejection, it could fracture his whole narcissistic facade if he loses control. I totally understand where you are coming from and you may be right. I just don’t think it’s possible from our history and his personal life circumstances, fear and lack of accountability. Even a fake apology or some crocodile tears wouldn’t mean anything, it’s just a bad experience a victim has to write off as an injustice. Thank you I suppose it’s important to keep on your toes but not to the point where recovery is thwarted due to giving them any thought. Thank you 😊
I don’t think they all come back. If you sufficiently fry them they are too scared. Once you get over their cruelty and can see clearly they are piles of shit then they are going to be rejected and they know it. They are in a relationship with their own ego, nothing or no one else matters. They bore the absolute shit out of me they are so predictable and weak. Good luck to any target that ends up with them, at least they are out of your hair and most of the somatic ones have erectyle dysfunction anyway as they run out of highs. Maybe narcs all come back but when they are psychopathic or sadistic as well, they generally fly the coup.
We will come back subject to the Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria, Frances. It is dangerous to think that we will not.
Hi HG, thanks for your response. if there is no ability to have a Hoover trigger how can this occur? He was exposed as a sex addict, hookers, swingers, male and female and affairs. I don’t think any narc could face this humiliation and definite rejection from the target who exposed it all and went public with it. I’m interested to know how one faces up to this when they ran like the wind when exposed?
A Hoover Trigger can still occur because of the sixth sphere and because of the effects of a malice or fuel obsession.
The humiliation and exposure you mention are factors which would raise the Hoover Bar with regard to the Hoover Execution Criteria.
Hi Frances,
I recall blogging with as much certainty. I was convinced I would not be hoovered. Wrong. You might want to prepare a plan, just in case. It is my understanding now they can not resist the urge to check in/check up.. maybe go back and read the covenant contract that none of us sign, however we are under (in their minds) forever ‘owned’.
Thanks for the interesting fun fact about somatics!
Do you find among your victims there common theme of those who were able to rebound after the abuse? We’re those who escaped better able to cope than those who you discarded?
As balance, yes.
Does that come as a form criticism to you that they were able to move on?
Yes.
Thankyou!
One of those paragraphs just sounds like a bit of foreplay 😂😘
HG,
Do you really always come back for more? I went after my Narc.and exposed him. I figured out he was cheating, emailed his new interest and showed up at her door after he had discarded me a few days before to “find himself and figure out who he was with God’s help”. He was fully intent on keeping me on the side and have me thinking that he was a man on a spiritual journey. He said the exact same thing to the gf before me.
He has threatened a restraining order and said he was fully moved on from me and that our relationship was sad because he was always having to defend himself (because I didn’t trust him, my gut knew). I told him to go away and let him know that I had spoken and befriended his other two discarded girlfriends and that we all loathe him. He threatened a restraining order again.
I just can’t fathom that he would hoover me again given I know who he is. He is a narc that seems to dislike negative attention and I feel he is now fearful of me as I am a threat to his current and future sources of fuel. Thoughts?
I have never understood all of this until just recently. I actually met the new supply yesterday after randomly running into him in a restaurant while he had put me in time out or whatever you call it.
I was shocked that he went on and on about where was my ring, all the reasons why he would marry me but he just couldnt get over, all of my faults, but if I just did, another list of his demands we could marry. When I asked who he was there with he said a friend. Of course he was on a date.
he then had the audacity to follow me through the mall while holding her hand. Like he was oblivious to me and my family right in front of him.
I have been reading this site for a few months. I HAVE to take my life back. I feel like I’m drowning and I can’t save myself.
What kind of monster does these kinds of things?????
Oh and the last supply had been emailing me and texting me…..
Is this for real????
M1r — yes, you DO have to take your life back. It’s the only way to regain sanity, but I know it isn’t easy. Stop hoping for things to be different; they never will be. My narc’s ex-wife (with whom I’ve become friends) told me that when she was in therapy while trying to escape from him, the therapist told her to use the mantra “Let go of the dream.” That’s what we all have to do. And to answer your final question… no, it’s NOT for real. That’s the problem.
Just a quick question HG .Got disengaged from primary source in January, by the silent treatment. He blocked me on all social media so I blocked him back , and I’ve been avoiding all places he might be . I’ve gone to great measures . Not in contact with any of his family or friends , i don’t post anything on facebook about the hurt he’s caused , I’ve told everyone if they see him not to report any information back to me .ive left my belongings including his key to my house at his place .I don’t think he would of expected this .
Two places I felt safe was at home and work , he drove pass my house 3 week ago , shouting hello to my friend on the front garden , we live in a small town so just maybe he needed to go by . And today I travel to the nearest city were I have worked for four years, and he was walking down the street in his work clothes (he changes jobs every month ) he didn’t try to speak to me .Is this coincidence you think or planned .
Negative emotion is more potent. If you can genuinely piss someone off with upset and tears, you know that you’ve got inside them on a more personal level. Much better than what a smile would give you, over a bunch of flowers.
The golden period would eventually get boring anyway – even for an empath. There’s something very sexy about a man who’s moody and argumentative.
Masters of emotional torture. So HG, nothing is permanent then, the discard and disenegement is all part of the illusion to maintain control? To make the victim think you have left them for good, to keep them off balance, for when you sudently return, again!
Although my pattern included a heap of narc partners, almost without exception I discarded them before they could discard me. I think that the emotional abandonment and devaluation couldn’t be tolerated anymore. I already felt discarded, abandoned, and not appreciated. This, in turn, made them completely obsessed on an even more insidious level. I mean, how dare I break up with them?! Commence hoovering and stalking!
It’s so hard to get past “How could he do that? How could he just throw me away like garbage, after all our years together?” … until you truly understand that it wasn’t real. And what he’s doing now with the new supply isn’t any more real than it was with you.
If you abuse people, they will break down. THAT IS TO BE EXPECTED!! If you want your ‘appliances’ to work, you have to treat them well! There’s no point feeling offended by an outcome you alone are responsible for! CAUSE AND EFFECT!!!
Comfort in that, it wasn’t a singular act, it’s the cycle he chooses I’m not the first or the last. It’s impossible for him to change, that’s comforting to me because although I may have signed up in big bold letters to be victimized. It doesn’t ever have to happen to me again, it’s now my choice.
Should I privately consult you about sexy voice messages, drunken videos and pictures and general reasons why a narc would no longer find my impeccable good looks and voracious humor unnecessary? Or can you just tell me straight right here?
Subject to HT and HEC.
I really believed my story would be the exception. Though I have always been successful my replacement was extremely successful. He went to prep school with her 35 years ago in upstate New York. They of course got reacquainted through Facebook.
He took the money he managed to save ( I paid for everything) and went on vacation after vacation and splashed her all over Facebook making sure to email me each time. By the time he revealed her I at least knew what he was though I was still devastated.
By October they went through the idealize, devalue and discard cycle several times. They even took a break in the Fall but when he finally got her back she plunked down $1 million in cash for a house in Denver for their “future”.
By February she announced their engagement. She announced it not him. His posts became less and less frequent! He barely acknowledged it. From that point for several months he barely acknowledged her. In only a year he had posted so many posts but not the engagement and no acknowledgment of her Dads death. It was awful to see and I felt sorry for her.
So, even though he has serious financial troubles. 4 colleged aged daughter, and the fact she would probably let him be. Ski bum … he still couldnt stop being abusive. I know she doesn’t understand. I will not contact her. She will figure it out hopefully. There were so many times he could have taken a different route but instead you can tell he went for the most humiliating way! He never took the single off of his status. Now the one year anniversary of when he was lovebombing her upon us. She has to look at those posts and remember. I know he knew all along exactly what he was doing!
It is a bittersweet moment when one can now sit back and know exactly what happened, what will happen and that the circle will never end, as far as the NPD is concerned. Comforting, yet disturbing no?
No. Wants to contact you …then..oh, I fell asleep…sorry…um yep..you are a sorry pos….oh you finally texted me back…idk why i bother. My response…don’ bother. It does get easier…unless you are forced to see them.