A Piece of Your Mind
Vent your spleen. Have your say. Give us both barrels. Let us know what you really think. Such sentiments towards my kind are entirely understandable and they invariably occur post discard and sometimes post escape. There are differing rationales associated with this almost overwhelming need to speak to us about your experience of being entangled with our kind.
1. Anger. You realise how you have been manipulated, abused and taken for a fool. Your anger is substantial and you feel a pressing need to unleash that anger against us with a litany of insults and some choice language.
2. Enlightenment. You have had your epiphany and realised precisely what ensnared you, how it happened and why. You have seized this knowledge and now feel elated that you have done so. There is a sense of superiority in finally having all the pieces of the puzzle click into place and you want to confront us. You may not actually tell us what we are but you will certainly want to use the words, “I know what you are now.”
3. Unfinished Business Part One. Nearly all discards occur without you being told that the Formal Relationship is over and if you are given such notice you are rarely given any proper or adequate explanation as to why this has happened. This results in the need to confront us at a later stage in order to try to find out why what has happened, has happened.
4. Unfinished Business Part Two. This is akin to the situation above but the basis of this confrontation is in order to demand of us how we could do what we did and address your need to have us explain ourselves for what we did during the relationship.
5. To Understand. You do not know what you were entangled with and you are unable to comprehend how somebody could behave in that manner towards you after everything that you did for us. This tirade details all of the help you gave us, the advantages that you conferred on us and each and every thing you did for us in the name of love.
6. Clear the Smear. Predictably enough, you will have been smeared following your entanglement with us. You have heard all about the lies that have been peddled about you and you want to set us straight about how those comments were wrong, that you did not behave in the manner which we have described to other people and ultimately how you need to clear your name.
7. The Right to Be Heard. You have a significant desire to want to be heard, especially as our manipulation of you will have caused you to feel that you have not been listened to during the Formal Relationship. You want your voice to be heard, you need to articulate your thoughts and feelings and an opportunity to avail yourself of discharging this need is too good to pass up.
8. Convey the Pain. You remain horrendously wounded by your experience of being entangled with us and you want to let us know how badly we hurt you, how much it pains you still and how upset you are to have been treated this way.
9. Sing the Praises. Sometimes you exhibit a capacity for nobility which manages to transcend the hurt, the pain and the anger. You remain bewitched by the golden period and all those magnificent attributes that you believe we still possess and therefore rather than attack us, expound bitterness or lash out, you declare all the reasons why you still love us, why you find us mesmerising despite what has happened and you wish us well for the future.
10. Justice. It is only right that are given the right of reply to the treatment that has been meted out against you.
11. Medicine. You put up with the tantrums, the lengthy invectives, the oral onslaughts and you were pummelled by our words. Now it is the time to give us a taste of our own medicine.
Whatever the motivation may be, your need and desire to have that final confrontation with us, to purge yourself of all those thoughts and considerations is huge and is very difficult for you to resist. Indeed, most of the time you do not resist it at all, instead you look to engineer situations whereby you are able to speak to us and deliver this tirade, this riposte, this howitzer. You will seek us out in order to provide us with a piece of your mind. Is this a good thing? Well, there are two potential upsides when this is looked at from your perspective. The first is that you are able to get things off your chest. All those thoughts which have whirled around your mind for weeks on end, the ifs and buts which prevented you from sleeping, the imponderables and the unanswered have been released as you allow your words to explode from you in an outburst of emotion applicable to whichever rationale which has driven you to this point. The second is that you may well feel that you have achieved some kind of closure by engaging in this step of giving us a piece of your mind.
But what about our perspective on all of this? What does this blast, this sounding off and this diatribe mean to us? This is where giving a piece of your mind in such a manner is actually not a good thing for you to do. Why is this?
1. Sounding off in such an emotional manner, whether it is insulting us with angry words, crying with pain, savagely mauling us with a sneering and twisted face or even expressing how you still love us, just provides us with fuel and it is plentiful. You may have collared us on the telephone to vent at us. Anybody normal would end the call as they are repeatedly harangued and insulted, but not us, we will listen as we soak up all that fuel. Yes, we will be argumentative, defensive and belligerent but that is just to keep your tirade going owing to the plentiful fuel you are providing to us.
2. This is a prime opportunity for us to hoover you. If we see you are angry, we may express false contrition, if you are hurt and upset we may declare how we will make changes so everything is right, if you reminisce about our wonderful times we will offer that golden period again to you. You are giving us a glorious opportunity to hoover you and in your heightened emotional state there is a good chance this will succeed.
3. If we do not hoover at this point, you have just given us several reasons to execute a hoover at a later juncture by confirming to us that you remain adrift in the emotional state, you are fountaining with fuel and still beholden to us. The signs are good and it all points to a successful hoover in the near future.
4. You confirm to us that you have failed to grasp the logic and reason of the situation and therefore your defences are weak. This means that further manipulations can be used and they will prove effective in terms of fuel and control.
5. We take no notice of what you are actually saying. You may think that your speech is devastating, that you are landing telling blows on us, that you are assassinating our character and making us look terrible. You are not. You are playing into our hands. We are laughing at you inside.
6. You are confirming that we continue to have considerable control over you. We may be busy with a new primary source but this confirmation acts as a green light to further unleashing of manipulations against you because you are not able to let go.
The temptation to give us a piece of your mind is vast and overwhelming but if done in the usual emotional fashion of the typical empathic individual you are just giving us more of what we want, failing to hurt us and extending your own entanglement with us.
38 thoughts on “A Piece of Your Mind”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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I did this regularly and often with my parents just to keep my character alive. It was worse in such a devoid environment to NOT express how I felt, even if it did give them fuel.
By giving them fuel, I learned what they responded to and this gave me information to know their triggers and I manipulated them when I wanted to.
You cannot guess the shocked look on matrinarc’s face when her “good little angel” turned around and slammed her one, especially as she had told herself I didn’t know anything about her.
For instance, she was insecure about her lack of achievements in life and I could see her doubting the complete waste of time her abuse had been.
She afterwards resigned in her failure to get me.
Reading this site HG makes me realise how many wins I had without knowing it. I took down three sociopathic narcs like a boss and I was just a toddler.
I did it by turning a blind eye to what I didn’t want and only saying exactly what was necessary. I sometimes pretended to be more hurt than I was. I only ever did this when I had a goal in mind.
That’s what is happening with boyfriends now.. I have disassociated from the trauma of having to play in ‘love’ at all and not experienced the distress of what I went through alone. I realise I have experienced life through a decoy persona that took the hits while I hid myself away. I never used my real self to interact them. It has been tiring and horrible.
I got a Hoover phone call a few hours after reading this article . Instead of reacting I Hung up and blocked the new number he called from . No fuel for you today .
Luckily, i didn’t need to do any of this because before he moved away, he said ‘let’s meet and develop a positive connection before i go.’ He came over and we cuddled for hours (no sex). He was very sweet and affectionate.
I wish that I had found your blog, especially this entry, many months ago. It would have saved me the energy I wasted in my vent(s) during the discard phase. But then again, a certain peace came over me once I purged it out of my mind and soul. The elephant weight that was standing on my chest each day and night seemed to finally lift and my head felt clearer. My anxiety almost disappeared for at least that day.
Regardless of the fuel I provided, his lack of empathy or contrition, I still say “worth it.”
I gave him more than a piece of my mind. I shredded him. You are calling this challenge fuel. So, I doubt that he enjoyed the experience. And even if he had done, it would not have mattered at all!
It is true though that such outbursts indicate unfinished business, hence, more fuel for the narc. A few times, I fell for his hoovers. Until I recognised the patterns, and said Farewell for good.
If (by going NC) they’re put in the position to force the mirror they’re projecting outwards (onto us) so that it goes inwards (onto them), they can then only see themselves. This, to me, is the only kind of revenge that they need. We shouldn’t waste another second on them because it’s futile. They have no feelings or empathy. Imagine a stuffed toy with the ability to speak well – this is what most people are essentially dealing with, yet they insist on provocation.
“We shouldn’t waste another second on them because it’s futile.”
That’s exactly it. The fighting hurt me more than it hurt him, that’s when I stopped. There comes a point when everything is truly said and done, and you do not *want* to speak another word.
I find it extremely arrogant of narcs to think they will succeed with their charm offensives weeks, months, even years later. Does he think I have forgotten what he said and did, and how brutally he ended it? Does he think a few crumbs tossed in my direction will make me rush back into his arms? What for? Another round of devaluation and discard?! This arrogance alone makes my blood boil… and keeps me strong enough to enforce NC, the ultimate punishment!
I don’t think it’s something they contemplate, Matilda – the only fact they need to rely on is that we couldn’t possibly resist their hoover.
The one I’ve got sucks up pretty well these days though.
Mine (upper Mid-Ranger) has some awareness, Sarah. He says he knows that rekindling contact is selfish. How awesome of him to admit that, isn’t it? I would be even more delighted if he told me something I did not already know!
Hoover fuel is the most delicious of all fuels. The narc must feel very powerful when she comes crawling back to him despite the abuse suffered at his hands! But now, we can thwart their plans, watch their bewilderment and smile, knowing a taste of their own medicine will do them good! 😀
Quite the gentleman, Matilda.
Mine is a lower bass G clef Mid-Ranger with a fuel injected combustion engine. An XR3I point 9 and recurring.
😀 😀
HELP! dramatic hoover attempt today, by lieutenants and ss… i did not engage nor respond/react at all to what was done, nor the phone messages left before what was done….why am i feeling so tense? I sense its the calm before the storm, and i am terrified that my lack of response is going to have implications. I have resisted all of the hoover attempts thus far, for over 3 months. however, now, the ones he has put in place to carry out his hoovers are back, in my proximity. there is no escaping, EVER….
i meant lieutenants and PSS…. so shook up can’t think let alone spell
You should be feeling very proud, Ms Brown.
Remind yourself that if you slip back into your old ways, then you do not value yourself (this is how I do it). Good luck.
🤗🤗
Hi Ms Brown,
I can understand that you feel tense. It will get better with time. Every time that happens to me, I validate those feelings.
Are those Lieutenants you wrote about narcissists? If so, you can remind yourself that you can *wound* them by ignoring them. They hate to be treated as if they did not exist.
Most of my narcissist’s Lieutenants have a Cluster B disorder. One of them is a violent Lesser Lieutenant who used to lash out at me quite often. The very first time he did it, I made the mistake to appease him. His aggressive borderline IP, who belongs to the local authorities, had sent him to threaten me and to intimidate me but it did not work. After that, I started ignoring him (and his IP and other Lieutenants) completely. I do not even look at him when he is standing near me.
At the beginning he got worse but I continued ignoring him. Several months later he started hiding (!) every time he sees me, although there is no reason for him to do that. It seems that it *wounds* him every time he sees me and I do not pay any attention to him. Last November he took two other Lieutenants with him to attack me. They were three men against me. They gave up and left because I did not react and ignored them. I was calm and did what I needed to do without paying attention to them. Outnumbered but not outgunned. I would not have been able to remain calm without HG’s help.
Thank You…My main concern is my lack of response and n/c (wounding) will ignite the fury. regardless, I stand strong and stay here with HG & you all for support. yes, narc lieutenants and non intimate primary sources carry out his deeds…
Ms Brown,
Their simmering fury is ignited not only if they are ignored but also if they *feel* criticized. It is an impossible task for us.
If you have the possibility to stay out of your narcissist’s first five spheres of influence (we cannot do anything about No. 6 – his mind), he will not feel triggered to hoover you. He will have to go to other people for fuel. Here’s a link to the article “The Spheres of Influence”:
https://narcsite.com/2017/04/18/the-spheres-of-influence/
I am remain only in sphere 6. That is why he has lieutenants and secondaries (family and “friends”) carrying out orders to hoover me. I have read Spheres of Influence several times before…
You are doing everything right.
Thanks E.B. Its good to have positive reinforcement ♆
by not reacting to the recent events, I am ignoring HIM, (e№ven though he had others do the deeds) thus, igniting fury of Ignoring him. READ Narc Truth № 20
Yes, I know what it is about. It does not contradict what I wrote.
…. I reference Narc Truth № 20
Ms Brown, my best response is meditation and prayer for worry and stress. I do a visualization where I am impervious to all attempts to wound and harm me with emotions. I imagine I pull energy inside myself from my surroundings and form an energy barrier around me like a cocoon. No emotions can penetrate my barrier and I give off none. This seems to act like narc repellent and stops me feeling helpless.
We are all here for you. Remember that whatever happens, it’s just one more thing that will soon be in your past. Sending you positive energy. ⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️
Thanks windstorm2… I do have the cocoon and visualized bubble. I have practiced forms of Eastern meditation for years. You are so right and I appreciate and am receptive to, the positive energy. I am strong, and that was something “he” hated in me. cuz he couldn’t break me….ૐ ☾★♆
Ms Brown, love your symbols u used at the bottom of your post! I just finished setting up a table with elements from all those religions!! People in my area tend to be rather prejudiced and judgmental. It’s always great to touch bases with someone willing to accept the positive from whatever they encounter!
Have a great day and I’ll keep sending you positive energy. I’ll think about you whenever I look at my table! 😀
May everything we wish on this New Moon grow with abundance…Blessed Be
Blessed be. 😊
Ms. B Stay on here and read. Stay strong or put your emotions up for a moment if you must engage. Be strong. Time, my dear, time. It will stop.
would “closure” fit in there somewhere or would that go hand in hand with “understanding”…
and…there is no clearing the smear… people will believe what they want to believe and will side with whomever they want to side with… only thing to do on that one is just continue to be yourself, morals and all and let them figure it out on their own, eventually…and if hey never do then oh well…
“F*#*king STUPID”! Was my inadvertent, reactive choice of words(post escape). Apparently it was quite effective. She referenced it in subsequent retaliatory texts for days. Ha ha take that B*tch! Lol!
The only retaliation we have is no response or response with no emotion.
Wendy you are correct. I understand that well. However, at the time it sure felt good for me😜😁✌
True that.
Well I am not the typical empathic individual. I figured you out long before this stage. Nonchalantly walking away when you expected me to chase you or rage/crumble in front of you? Felt delightful. Looking at you up and down with disdain at your failed hoover attempt? Felt even better. With those kind of Narc injuries festering in her, she avoids me like the plague. Like a roach scuttling under the stove at the switch of a light, she darts away every time she sees me. Nice when they get what they deserve. Brings a warm smile to my face.
Wow! I can identify with 1,2, 5, 8, 10, and 11 of the first list about blasting off and speaking what I have been wanting to say post discard.
You are also correct about: “…you are able to get things off your chest. All those thoughts which have whirled around your mind for weeks on end, the ifs and buts which prevented you from sleeping, the imponderables and the unanswered have been released…”
With my N, I posted to him in a message sections from your silent treatment blog post and ended it with – “This is You. I know what you are now.” I also posted the entire post of “Shall I Deploy A FU Hoover” and changed the names to mine and his. I pretty much recanted all of the lies he said in his hoover, as I wrote them all down, and I threatened him. I also called him a few choice words, coward, cheater, parasite, leech, con artist, liar, ugly, beneath my normal standards. In the same content I said how I still loved his dumb ass and that I wanted some answers because he broke me. The restricted calls stopped completely as he reengaged the silent treatment.
But what you are telling me HG is that he is laughing at me and that I gave him confirmation that I am still a broken appliance and that he needs to wait longer to try to hoover me at a later date for potential fuel because at this time I am still not ready yet, but time will be on his side soon enough. Bastard. This makes me want to kick his door down, ducktape his ass and throw him in the swamp as alligator food. But, then I’d probably cry because I as I said, I still love his dumb ass.
Ok.. done it all.. then I realized I only gave fuel so in my last text I wished him well and that I was happy for him. Hugs and kisses and have a lovely life …
I guess that is some kind of fuel as well???