Mind Games – Part One
We love to conquer. Nowhere is off limits to our kind. Your mind is no exception to that mentality. The repeated application of mind games and the impact this had are both consequence which live long in the memory of those who have experienced them as a consequence of being entangled with us. I repeatedly state that the games are always being played. I doubt few would disagree with that statement. You ought to be aware however that the deployment of mind games, whilst always a factor in the narcissistic relationship, is not as deliberate as you may first imagine. In the case of the Lesser Narcissist, the mind games are collateral. They are a consequence of his instinctive behaviours, his reactions and pre-determined methodologies. He lacks the cognitive function to engage in the purposeful mental torment, but instead what arises as mind games is side-effect of the way that he behaves. As for the Mid-Range, well the application of mind games will sometimes manifest as deliberate but for the most part, he is similar to the Lesser and that these mind games occur as a consequence of the way he is engineered to think and to behave. It is with the Greater where the true twisted behaviour manifests as not only are the mind games a consequence of what we do, we also purposefully engage in them because we know how effective they are at achieving what we want and also because we are excellent at deploying them.
The imposition of bewilderment on a shattered and exhausted mind possesses a deftness of touch which is far superior to the brutish application of a fist to a cheek. The conjuring of confusion from the use of words alone is a highlight of the Greater’s manipulative repertoire. Accordingly, the mind games which arise from entanglement with a Lesser or a Mid-Range arise because of the various defence mechanisms those types of narcissist deploy. The Greater regards the playing of mind games as an essential part of the narcissistic relationship, one which is considered noble, important and a hallmark of his sophisticated abuse.
These mind games are varied and effective. Anybody who has been on the receiving end of them will testify as to the horrible impact that they have in creating doubt, fear, worry, anxiety, submission and a sense of helplessness. What are some of these mind games?
- Second Guessing. The act of making you forget about your own needs because you are conditioned to think about our needs first in order to avoid some dreadful repercussion if you do not so. You apply your mind over and over to assessing the situation and trying to gauge how you should respond, what you should do next, what you should organise, how you should look, how you should behave in order to avoid some other abuse.
- Pre-occupation. By making ourselves so central to your existence and the only thing which matters you find that you are always wondering about us. What are we doing right now? Who are we with? What are we doing? This does not necessarily occur just in the devaluation. As the seeds of addiction are sown during the seduction, you find your mind is focused on us more and more. This is the laying of the groundwork to have you forget about your own needs and indeed who you are as the focus of your attention becomes all about us.
- Mirroring. We convince you that you are falling in love with the most wonderful and fantastic person you have ever met. This is achieved by mirroring what you want in the object of your affection. By meeting this need on so many different fronts, you become helpless to falling in love with what you believe us to be.
- Obsessing. By engaging in the vague, the vapid and the amorphous we have you start obsessing over us. Once again the focus moves on to us as you ask yourself what did he mean by that comment? Why is he late? Why did he just do that? You look for clues which are non-existent and seek answers which are not there, reading too much into what are often innocuous scenarios.
- Gas Lighting. The infamous act of causing you to doubt your own reality and is invariably the cumulative effect of many different types of mind game. You end up doubting yourself and accepting our false reality as the true reality instead.
- Jettison. The act of having you think that you are about to be discarded. Comments will be made which suggest that we are dissatisfied with you, that we are tired of you and that we have interests elsewhere. Nothing is said outright, there is nothing concrete, but the signs are there that you are going to be discarded. Aren’t they?
- Jealousy. “But she is just a friend.” “How can I be having an affair when we only meet during daylight.” “You are reading too much into it.” The appearance of somebody who we talk about a lot, spend time with and appear to admire is designed to bring about jealousy in you and undermine your self-confidence.
- Mea Culpa. The complexity and absurdity of our behaviour means that you are unable to fathom out what is actually going on. This results in you needing to find some kind of answer in order to give you piece of mind and therefore since you have no ground to question us, you decide you must be at fault and being to blame yourself. After all, nobody gets furious for no obvious reason do they? You must have done something wrong to provoke us. It is your fault.
- Projection. The intentional movement of our faults and unpleasant behaviours from us to you. The accusation that you engage in the very behaviour which we undertake ourself.
- Character Assassination. The unmerited and savage attack on you, criticising you for any number of things; how you walk, how you talk, your hair colour, who your friends are; how you made the coffee this morning. Anything and everything about you will be attacked even though you cannot see the basis of doing so.
- Blame-Shifting. The defensive step of ensuring that we are never to blame or held accountable. Anything that goes wrong, any incorrect behaviour, any mishap is all down to you. You caused it, you brought it about, you made it happen. Even though you cannot see any factual basis for the accusation that has been flung your way, this will not stop it happening.
- Authoritative Denial. We do not just deny, we deny with such conviction, determination and authority that surely only someone who does this is someone who has to be right, yes?
- Gaseous Smear Campaigns. You are being spoken about, whispered about and slurs cast against your name, at least you think that is the case. You seem to be receiving strange glances and hear snickering when you walk by certain people, but you never hear anything concrete or certain. You might be mis-hearing, you might be mis-reading, it may just be paranoia. Trying to work out if you are being smeared is like trying to catch a gas with your bare hands.
- Silent Treatments. The staple of the narcissistic arsenal. Why is he silent? Why has he vanished? What have you done wrong? When will he speak to me again?
- Double Standards. We are so pleasant and wonderful to everybody else. People speak so highly of us, yet when the front door is closed we turn into a monster with you. Is it real? Perhaps you are taking it out of context and exaggerating or maybe you are doing something which causes this to happen and nobody else does?
- Amnesia. We deny having ever done something or said something even though you are positive, well fairly certain, okay, at least reasonably sure, we did say it. It works both ways as we accuse you of having a faulty memory as we tell you we told you last week we would be going out tonight, why can you not remember these things? Are you doing it in order to annoy us? Of course you are.
- Losing Your Mind. We label you as crazy, unhinged, a maniac who is need of help. Good Lord, everybody thinks it of you and we are a saint for putting up with this behaviour for so long. We tell you often, arrange for you to get help, see a doctor or a therapist and accompany you to explain to them how you are losing your marbles. Are we making all of this up in order to disturb you further, or then again, might you just be losing your mind after enduring all of this?
24 thoughts on “Mind Games – Part One”
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HG, I understand why the mids and greaters mirror us and that there is some degree of thought which goes into it.
But what of the lessers ? Do they engage in mirroring ? And why ? Any thought processes involved, or just instinctive ?
What prompted my question, on a recent game of mine (a funny story, I’ll share that on another occasion), the ex N (although not a lesser) had taken me out for coffee. I drink sparkling water, I always do. He initially ordered himself a coffee but then changed his mind and ordered a sparkling water for himself too. I asked him why, he said it was good for him and he’d been drinking it a lot recently. He continued to eat and drink anything I did. I found it hilarious. Although I made sure I didn’t show it.
Yes they do and it is instinctive.
It’s just plain weird ! Thanks though
Who are you calling weird!!? I am looking forward to our next consult by the way.
Oh not you HG, though you might be a little bit weird 😂 I meant the lessers. Because with you, it’s calculated and I understand that. I also understand many N behaviours are instinctive………but mirroring ? I know you’re right. Just so strange this behaviour is instinctive. Must be completely hard wired into getting people to like them.
Oh I’ll definitely be in touch for another consultation. It’s a bit of a slow drawn out one with both games at present. I had the ex N (the original) totally under my power but then I made one false move. And he felt ashamed and humiliated, and this prompted fury, utter fury. (You’ll like this story) Not that I’m bothered about how he feels but it scuppered my plans. Although I have a back up plan. I’m still trying to get plan A to work.
I shall look forward to it.
1-17 completely accurate and insightful!! I was so brainwashed that I convinced myself he couldn’t have done the things I thought he was doing. I had the keys to free myself the whole time, but because of the constant manipulation(and his calm nature) it took almost three years to beak free.
I also was so brainwashed to believe not only that my N was so smart as to never make a mistake but also that she was a good person who is just repeatedly wronged by others and of course adored by so many. It’s hard to resist temptation like that you know but never her intention to stray.
Choke.
I saw in black and white her words proving she pursued, and lied and belittled behind the scenes to seduce, a young woman who has no idea my N was married with two kids.
Seeing it spelled out was probably the only way I’d have believed it to be true. And I still struggled in the beginning with thoughts of it being a set up to test me. LOL. That’s some fucked up brain washed thinking.
Trust your gut. Always.
1, 2 and 3….yep yep and yep!
4. He accused ME of being obsessed with him! Guess that takes me right into #9!!!!! Hahahahah!!!!
and oh good God #15. He was so fucking perfect and loved in every way! He cheated on his wife for 18 months and got caught and his entire small town knew yet he was still Mr. Churchy Mc Church.
He stood on his soapbox and said he hated the way men objectified woman. Hated rapists and so on. I am starting to wonder if he did horrible things that even I never knew of.
Oh if I could be a fly on that wall.
One thing I don’t think i have seen mentioned on this blog is the tendency to ‘get on the soap box’ and preach about the very things they are doing.
Another extremely well written blog that perfectly described the way Narcypants conducted himself during our ‘relationship’. Only number 13 didn’t ring 100% true – Narcypants ensured I was fully aware of his smear campaign.
Well done HG.
Thank you Scout.
You’re welcome HG. Please may I ask, as a relative newbie to your blogs, I’d like to read your back story on this subject. Could you direct me to some reading material to bring me up to speed with your story? Thank you.
The backstory is scattered throughout various works and I have not finished conveying it all. You will be able to find out more about me and my story by reading through the Confessions series and then the alliterative titles (Abhorred and Adored, Beautiful and Barbaric etc). You should also read Fury.
The lady in the picture is so lovely. 😄
And when you play games with them, in a neutral unfueling manner. It creates fury. So much fury that they almost implode.
I wish I had told the greater a few days ago that “I am NOT bewildered” when he practically jumped for joy at seeing me. I expected it somehow and it actually looked like his eyes got a little watery, too. I said to him ‘its over” but I think he thought I was referring to the musical. I wonder why I wanted to get a photo with him and yes, I’ve looked at it a few times.
Awful. Awful. Awful. He did all of it, constantly, always. No stopping it, not a moment of rest…and he enjoyed it.
He was having fun leading me through the maze of his twisted mind.
And an incredible sadness was above all of this. As if he were watching from a far away place, amused but sad, like he knew I couldn’t reach him and this was causing him sadness.
And while I was battling all his nightmarish games, I felt fucking sorry for him!!! Because I felt he was sad!!!
And still…I feel compassion for him. I would never get close to him again. Too dangerous. But I can’t feel anger and hatred against him. I’m still empathizing, I can’t stop feeling his sadness. I can hide the empathy I feel but I can’t stop feeling it. It’s just there.
He never let me in. He never let anyone in. He tortures you because of what he feels inside but he won’t allow anybody in, to help him, or comfort him, or just listen to him.
No, never. Forget it. You can die. He’ll never open up.
Reality is there is no one inside to open up to. When you feel you talk to him, in reality you are talking to yourself. It’s an illusion, a projection of your own inner reality onto him. He’s not sad, you are sad for him. He cannot feel sadness. This emotion of ours is not accessible to him. There’s a void there.
maybe ED….but it’s very hard to believe. It seemed he had huge emotions. It seemed he had a hidden world inside. I will never know.
no dear, you have emotions, he doesn’t.. you have a hidden world inside..
let’s ask mr Tudor if he feels sadness or joy, or regret, or remorse, or love, or gratitude..
which of these emotions can you feel HG?
Awful indeed, giulia, the whole experience is baffling as it is torturous as you put it very well. I remember Narcypants chuckling at me as I (embarrassed now to admit it) sobbed at his cruel behaviour that was totally unwarranted. I saw moments of genuine sadness in him that pierced my heart but I recognised how dangerous he was and that knowledge won out. I’m not long out of the relationship but I don’t feel sympathy for him anymore. It’s sad he’s fucked up but that’s his problem. He’ll never take me down to Hell with him ever again!
Giulia
Beautifully stated.
Yes, that is exactly my experience. I can’t help but feel sadness and empathy for him even though he caused me so much pain.