6 Speciality Hoovers (And How To Unplug Them)
The hoover. An instrument of cleaning and the instrument by which we endeavour to suck you back into our false reality so we can exert our hold over you once again. Hoovers come at various stages of your dance with us and also come in a variety of forms and guises so that you may not even realise that a hoover is taking place. Hoovers come in two categories which are linked to when they take place and the method adopted to hoover. Some methods can apply to different times in the interaction with our kind, others apply to just one time, often post discard or post escape. There are scores of different methods used in hoovers but here are six which may or may not be familiar to you along with how you can endeavour to pull the plug on them and avoid being sucked in. It is worth pointing out of course that if your narcissist cannot find you and contact you, the hoover can never get started, but that state of affairs is not always possible.
- The Proxy Hoover
This does not come from the narcissist but from one of his supporters in his coterie or his Lieutenants. It usually comes from a Lieutenant who can be relied on to execute the hoover in precisely the way that we have directed. The Proxy Hoover will often include a different type of hoover e.g. The Medical Emergency Hoover where the narcissist will use a genuine or more likely feign a medical emergency to force interaction between you and the narcissist and engender sympathy. With the proxy, the call alerting you to the emergency concerning the narcissist will come from the Lieutenant. Like any proxy hoover, there are several reasons for adopting this approach: –
- You may not realise the person is a lieutenant and therefore you are more likely to respond to what they say than if it came from our kind, especially if you have instigated no contact;
- The conflict between you and us is ameliorated as a consequence of the involvement of this third party, meaning you are more likely to believe what you are being told;
- The proxy may stand more chance of persuading you to act;
- You may regard what we say and do with suspicion but not this third party
- You may not want to look bad in the eyes of the third party by failing to respond.
The key to dealing with this hoover is actually recognise what it is. It is not a third party asking for your help, it is a third party coercing you into contact with us again. You should be especially aware of any of your friends or family asking you to see us or do something for us, or if they comment about how good you and I were together, that we really do miss you and so on. We will infiltrate your supporters to gain added credibility and slip under your radar in this manner. Be aware that any third party who asks you to engage with us is a proxy who is executing the hoover on our behalf. No matter how purportedly significant the event is, the emotional pull involved or the persuasion applied reject it and do so in a firm and business-like manner. Do not show indecision, do not appear upset or concerned or even annoyed or irritated by the approach – even if you do not engage this reaction will be reported to us and will achieve two things for us. One, fuel. Secondly, we know we still have an effect on you and we will keep hoovering. If you are concerned the nature of the proxy hoover may be genuine suggest the Lieutenant finds someone else to help.
- The Reverse Hoover
This is quite a cunning method of hoovering. We let it be known through various channels that we do not want anything to do with you, that you should never darken our doorstep again and that we are through with you. This message will be broadcast over all channels – through friends, family, social media and so on. It is not said by us directly to you, that would defeat the purpose. We ensure this message reaches you and the aim is to have you disbelieve that we would say such a thing about you and to appeal to your desire to prove us wrong. Just in the way that a parent causes problems by denying a teenager any opportunity to hang out after 9pm, so they go and do it anyway, by telling you there is something that you cannot do, you then want to do it. Of course we have to gauge the right recipient of this hoover as some people will be content to hear us say those words. It is usually done with those we have discarded without telling that person they have been discarded and they cannot quite believe that it is at an end. This proclamation will cause them concern but they are still not ready to accept that it is the case that the relationship has ended (and they are right because it never ends) and therefore they come looking for an explanation and confirmation that what they have heard is not true. By not telling you direct we can tell you that the rumours you have heard are false and welcome you back with open arms as you are successfully hoovered. Again, recognise this for what it is and avoid acting on what you have been told. It is a ruse to play on your trait of needing to know. If you hear such things being said tell yourself that the comments are true, it is over and we do not want anything to do with you and stay away.
- The Letterbox Hoover
This hoover utilises the strong link we know that exists for some time post discard or post escape between seeing a trigger and the golden memories (and/or dark memories) that flow from the trigger. For example, we always slow danced to a particular piece of music with you which made you feel loved and wonderful. If you hear that piece of music the memory is awakened and we flood your memory and your senses. This is ever presence. To avoid this happening you need to take all steps not to play this piece of music again, indulge yourself with new pieces of music and if you hear it inadvertently to switch it off or move away from its source. With this hoover we want to scale your defences and use ever presence to get back in to your head, cause you to think of us and react (and although we do not see it we will get fuel because we know how you will respond) and make you vulnerable to wanting to contact us or a further hoover approach from us. One method of doing this is to send you a birthday or Christmas card with a beautiful, thoughtful handwritten message, often alluding to what we did together on a wonderful birthday or Christmas together during our golden period. This arrives with other cards and therefore is less noticeable. We will most likely print the address or have someone else write it for us so our handwriting does not alert you on the envelope. Once you open it, you read the message and see it is from us and bam! We are in your head and heart once again. It is a pleasant gesture, no malice and you will remember all the good things, think about us, want to contact us and thank us and wonder if this represents a fresh beginning of good relations or the chance to get back together and do things right this time. It is a hoover pure and simple.
To tackle this covert hoovering method, have someone vet all cards and parcels which are sent to you around Christmas, birthday and other appropriate festivals and events. Once checked this person can weed out anything from us and then reseal the envelopes for you so you still have the pleasant act of opening the envelopes and cards for yourself, that have been sent from anybody but us.
- The Psychic Connection
This is effective if we know that you are a spiritual person who believes in psychic events, astrology, ghosts, telepathy and the emotional connections between people that are stronger than normal. These beliefs and similar are often applicable to empathic people who of course form our victims of choice. We will use a supposed psychic connection or event to appeal to this nature of yours in order to signify that something special has happened which means we need to be together. We have to have the means of contacting you, often by sending you a message or leaving a voicemail. It is done in a dramatic fashion as we have suddenly uncovered a mystical or portentous occurrence which is of deep-seated significance which tells us that we are meant to be together, we should see each other straight away to discuss its implications or that it has caused us to see the light with it being conveyed in such a manner. Examples will include
- Claiming to have dreamt about you in a strange and significant way;
- We have seen a clairvoyant who spoke about you and I;
- We saw your image when you were not there as if you needed to tell us something;
- A picture of you fell off the wall or fell over on our desk without explanation and we knew this meant you wanted to get in touch;
- We have had a vision of something terrible happening to you and we have to warn you to save you;
- Your face appeared in the froth on our morning latte;
- Your name was spelt in jam on the kitchen floor when we dropped our toast.
From the possible to the ridiculous we will exploit your belief in such things in order to establish contact again. Recognise any messages that allude to the above or similar things as what they are; a hoover and do not respond to them in any fashion no matter how curious or compelling it may feel.
- The Silent Hoover
This comes in the form of a telephone call but there is no message left or nobody speaks when you answer. It is a blank text message or empty e-mail. It is an invitation to use a particular app on your phone. The purpose of this is to get you to respond to find out why it was sent or done. Once you do so we will either escalate the nature of the hoover by turning on the charm or trying to draw sympathy etc. through the application of a further hoover. We may not respond when you telephone but we know that we have been able to make you respond and we will do a few further Silent Hoovers to increase your curiosity and confirm that you are vulnerable now to our overture by way of a further hoover. If you fail to respond or do so and dismiss us we save face by saying it was sent by mistake a “butt call” or we hit the wrong key etc. If you respond favourably then we have a green light to apply further pressure to seduce you again. Once again recognise this for what it is and no matter how curious as to why it has been sent do not respond. It is a hoover which will rope you in and have you subjected to further additional hoovers of a different nature.
- The Prove Yourself Hoover
Similar to The Reverse Hoover, this hoover relies on your need to say your piece, stand up for yourself and have the last word. It relies on ensuring that a smear campaign has been effected against you and something particularly ridiculous or savage has been said about you. We will ensure that word reaches you through messages from third parties, third parties telling you to your face or postings on social media so you are gripped by the need to respond, set the record straight and tell us what has really happened in order to get us to accept this and issue an apology and correction. We know the type of victim that this really strikes home with, those who always need the truth to be told, who need to be held in correct regard by other people and those who must set us straight. We know you will be sat bristling, incredulous at what is being said about you and you cannot help yourself but want to get the true version out there and ram our words back down our throat. This hoover relies on this and the fuel that flows as you come charging at us ready to make us eat our words. This is precisely that we want to happen.
Again, recognise it is happening and do not respond. If you need to ensure people know the truth, then tell them in an even-handed and level manner and refer to evidence wherever possible rather than oral testimony and hearsay. Do not try and approach us, do not try and persuade us. We are not interested in that. We are interested in your fuel and getting to interact with you again.
To learn more about the narcissistic hoover read Black Hole – Available on Amazon
US https://www.amazon.com/Black-Hole-Narcissistic-Hoover-Tudor-ebook/dp/B01D7OPOFQ
UK https://www.amazon.co.uk/Black-Hole-Narcissistic-Hoover-Tudor-ebook/dp/B01D7OPOFQ
CAN https://www.amazon.ca/Black-Hole-Narcissistic-Hoover-Tudor-ebook/dp/B01D7OPOFQ
69 thoughts on “6 Speciality Hoovers (And How To Unplug Them)”
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HG,
I just got the strangest “hoover” tonight from the recent ex’s parent. A text of a single eyeball emoticon from his father. ??? I didn’t respond or give receipt of received and my NC is strong. But I’m curious so I thought I’d ask you. What do you think this means? So freaken strange. And it scared me a little too, given it is like a message implying “I’m watching you”….but from his dad!
Do you think this also indicates a possible Hoover is coming from the ex himself? Not even sure if he used his dads phone to send it.
Hi Indy the Marcher and Purveyor of Potions, Elixirs and Tinctures,
Most likely this is from the ex and is a hoover. He may be doing so by proxy through his father, but I think it is coming from him.
Just out of interest is there a reason why you have a line of communication open with the recent ex’s parent?
Yeah, I think you are right. Though his father was a little weird too. He wanted us together and kept sending me texts after I left, seemingly kind ones. I ignored but felt it was a good barometer on what to expect next.
More specifically, I did not block because I wanted to have a heads up if someone is starting to stalk again. It’s my only reason other than documentation of harassment for police. You may recall that when that frenzy of Hoover calls happened last year I didn’t block for police documentation. I feel
It gives me a heads up… Because I have no temptation to contact any of them, I thought it was safe to do that in my case. I know, it does trigger my fear, this is true.
What do you think about that strategy? Too risky as it triggers the fear response or something I can continue to get that heads up?
I escaped, and managed to get a good slap on his face that he didn’t see coming (when he would not leave my house after 40 minutes of being told to leave).! He is blocked on all media and cellular, but he has various emails that I am trying to keep filtering. In any case, this was our last communication, after a few weeks of his sending short emails like: “Hi, I love you” or a link to a slapping video (to which I responded below). I am curious, how would you, as a Greater Narcissist, interpret the exchange below? I have more power, more influence, and more intelligence than he does, I was onto him from the start and kept my expectations specific to what I gained from the situation, I did not allow him access to any of my social circles, and those we have in common are firmly on my side. They all agree that he is “off”, and his reputation is already ruined, to which I’ve had no small part, but it was damaged beforehand. I even took another lover while he was in NYC for his sons graduation, and set up dates with a very powerful man, which is now ongoing, before catching him in a final lie that I used as my reason to cut him off.
So….curious, how would a mind like yours interpret this email below ? The first is at bottom, the last is at top:
June 25, 10pm, me:
I find it funny that you presented yourself as such a literate poet at the start, and yet you seem unable to write in anything but meaningless run-on sentences. I take it as half-assedness, and not an example of “strong feelings.”
You’re hoovering, I get it. Does this work with other women?
Also, do you really think I would believe you love someone who compartmentalised you away from the rest of my life, who refused to integrate you in any meaningful way, that made so little effort towards you (for good reason) … It’s all been a shitshow. There’s nothing about real love in any of it. It was all just a ruse, we used each other for whatever we needed until it ran its unsustainable course, nothing more. Do you think I see it for anything other than what it was ? I don’t, ____. We fooled ourselves and each other, but it’s really an intellectual experiment at this point. It’s a game with no winners.
On Jun 25, 2017, at 8:14 PM, Narc:
Hi, i know what you mean, but I still have such strong feelings, I’ve been looking at our disfunctional patterns or mine at least, trying to understand, to come to some peace or resolution, accepting what is, I hope you’re doing well, work is good, time to see friends, I really do care about you, even though I’ve been a bastard mother fucker, I see how fucked up i was from beginning to end, im so sorry, started therapy, first session was good, I miss you, I still love you
On Jun 25, 2017, me:
That’s funny.
Not sure why you are still writing. It developed into a really bad thing between us, nothing good about it, really. Bad for both of us.
Ok HG, what’s the name for this kind of Hoover? I just woke up to a barrage of back and forth texts from an ex old frieNd I went N o Contact with a couple of years ago ( although I did slip up once about a year ago and gave her a brief response to something she sent me) wherein she was bragging to a third party to whom she was apparently writing how she was in our hometown and apparently met some celebrity on the plane who engaged her in some way(I didn’t even bother to read much of the dialogue I just turned off my phone and now I am blocking all texts from anybody until June is over. June is my birthday month and I want no narc nonsense this year) Anyway, what is this type of Hoover called in your guidebook? I think I’m going to call it a show off Hoover or a fuck you Hoover. They’re including you in the dialogue but ignoring you. I might also call this a voyeur Hoover. Your thoughts?
Hi HG. If you wounded an Ex N in a big way ie: regarding his predictable bedroom habits when he thinks he is the mutts nuts, do you think he would come back for a hoover? Maybe to reclaim his pride?
Hello Fay, firstly there would need to be a Hoover Trigger. If there is this the issue of the wounding forms part of the Hoover Execution Criteria – so one would also need to know what type of N he is, are you with someone new, do you have a restraining order in place at all, do you have property that belongs to him or outstanding issues to sort out, what was your fuel like when you last interacted amongst other matters. The wounding will raise the Hoover Bar meaning a hoover is less likely but other factors may lower it so a hoover happens.
Thank you HG. He is a Mid Ranger with a new supply of around 4-5 months. The wounding happened when he tried to deny he was in a formal relationship with new supply. I am an IPSS of the shelf variety to him due to circumstances. There are no ties other than being colleagues that mean I will unfortunately have to see him occasionally.
He is likely to hoover you in due course but it will be tentative in nature – either passive, such as a like on social media or posting something he knows you are likely to see and recognise as directed at you or a text message which is non-committal.
Thank you. Will the hoover happen to then seek revenge do you think? I feel like I should be on my guard. He currently wants nothing to do with me anyway
Yes – build your defences.
You’re a star.Cue you saying ,’I know’ ha ha
I know.
See how reliable I can be!
You seem to be in a very good humor today, HG. It has been very enjoyable. I trust your day has gone according to your plans. 😊
I am indeed. Thank you. I am sat in the sunshine tanning nicely and shall shortly be heading for dinner with some secondary sources. I sense some Pol Roger will be opened too.
Glad you’re having such a lovely time HG….got those extra dark lense no-one can see where you’re looking shades on right?
I remember my ex asking me on possibly our first holiday together if I could tell where he was looking with his on and, oh so naive and love-bombed me, thought it was so he could enjoy my body without others noticing. Ha! There he was, blatantly checking the exact opposite! What a dick.
Anyway. I digress. What are your thoughts on tattoos and grand gestures HG?
Do you mean me having a tattoo or you having them? Ditto re grand gestures.
Sorry I can see I wasn’t clear there.
I mean Ns having tattoos done as grand gestures. Almost like a memento of each ‘victim’. Heard of it? Any school more likely?
And yes, I guess also curious if you have any.
This is done both as part of love-bombing and to create a form of everpresence – especially getting you to have a tattoo meaningful to us. I still smile to myself about a ex who has my name wrapped around her belly button. No way will she be able to make that “Wino Forever”
Lesser tend to do it as a grand gesture during seduction. Mid Ranger as a means of showing desperation to hold on to the victim “See what you mean to me, don’t leave, I even tattooed our names around a heart on my leg/arm/left buttock”.
No I do not. They identify you.
Ah i see. Interesting insight there HG. Mine is perhaps not the Greater I thought he was…..
He had a couple done of two victims, I would see one at possibly love bombing infatuation stage and the other in desperation as I had sussed him and would have been considered by him as a loose cannon who may have scuppered his plans.
He had none done in my honour though, not obviously anyway. As his wife perhaps I didn’t warrant one! They say wife is the worst role to have with a narc don’t they? He had a fallen Angel done when he came back during his initial grand Hoover though. Perhaps he’d started to realise what he was?
Pol Roger? Is that like best quality tinned corned beef or summat?
My narc wanted to come back to be after the last discard. I know he left thinking I’d let him back no question.
In my own mind I was determined not to let him back until I had evidence that he was taking responsibility for his actions. I gave him 3 conditions: (1) pay me back for some costs that I had incurred because of his actions (2) pay for therapy; and (3) arrange a conciliatory discussion with his family member that he had been turning against me. Needless to say, he did not take it up this offer.
If he were a normal, reasonable person, and he loved me like he said, he would have had no problems doing these things.
It’s so easy to expose a narc’s manipulation once you genuinely try to hold him to account.
My ex Narc apparently had a dream that we somehow conceived a child together. We’re both male! Only child I had was the childish him and his mindless headgames. I responded by laughing it off as insane and ignoring him. He didn’t like that one bit 🙂
The psychic one killed me. I had an actual psychic who used to pull this shit all the time to finagle me into booking a reading. The Hoover was for coin.
Sending positive vibrations your way..
These are absolute gems HG
Claiming to have dreamt about you in a strange and significant way
That would actually get my attention and would want to know what it was all about.
Dreams interest me, as I believe some have meaning, yet the interpretation of what they mean is where things can become tricky.
Thank you so much HG. He did finally email yesterday (boring, two sentence email). I didn’t reply.
I just had an email hoover two weeks ago after two months of silence. He bumped into me and ignored me, knowing I’d respond (I did), but I didn’t follow up with my usual ‘why do you ignore me in public’. So he emailed me later that day. Two weeks of banter and ***poof*** he’s gone. I seriously don’t get the point.
To draw fuel and to keep you confused as to what is happening so you do not move forward and remain susceptible to further hoovers because you want to gain answers, so you respond to them.
Thank you, HG. This answer helped me as well.
I’m sure he will email back at some point, be it 1 day or 6 months. What’s the best way forward, HG? Completely ignore? I always feel rude 🙁
Yes, ignore. Of course you feel rude, you are honest and decent, but that is your emotional thinking conning you into responding. Apply the cool, hard logic which tells you to ignore and fight down that feeling of rudeness.
I’ve just realised a #6 hoover had been right under my nose. On social media. A dig at me. Looking back, I can see how he tried to piss me off but seeing as I wasn’t contacting him, he did it himself a week later via text.
It feels like Christmas morning. Your articles are like presents to unwrap.
A frothing Quasimodo ornement, £6.99;
A Michael Kors handbag, £130;
HG Tudor’s Narcsite, PRICELESS!
It’s such an amazing feeling when the penny drops isn’t it 😊 it’s one less confusion to deal with.
It is, Karen. And the lies from the past all drop into place. I also find that reading other empath’s stories helps lots, too. The muscle pains in my upper back and shoulders from the tense anxiety of it all are starting to fade.
Hi Sarah that’s great that the neck and shoulder pain is fading. I suffer from it too particularly in my neck. I think sometimes we tend to forget the physical pains they inflict on us as the emotional and psychological pain seems to trump everything else.
I’m really glad you’re getting your answers Sarah. Keep reading 😊
The n.4 has been in fact his favourite method. He used dreams…and write about it in his blog…I would read and the game was on…
You made me laugh this time :))
Thank you
3. The Letterbox Hoover
I got a lovely card in the mail from my ex’s narcissistic sister. She wished me a Happy Mother’s Day and wrote that she loved me. How sweet! I responded in kind. Let’s see where that takes me.
4. The Psychic Connection
My ex has a narcissistic friend who thinks she is psychic. She hoovered my ex all the time with dreams, feelings, and telepathy. She used their strong emotional bond as an excuse to jump in her car, drive to his business and make a giant pain-in-the-ass of herself. It was always an adventure when she was around.
6. The Prove Yourself Hoover
I hoovered my ex this past Saturday and he broke no contact and sent me three hours worth of texts trying to prove he wasn’t in a relationship with his IPPS. I will, potentially, be using these texts against him and I got him to cry (supposedly) and an apology (specious)! The planets were aligned in my favor that night!
Former Intimate Partner (Hoover): points value Fifteen
Tearful words: Thirteen
15×13=195 points worth of fuel!
His tearful words are most likely spurious, however, I got so many angry words that it doesn’t matter. F.I.P. Angry words:
Points Value: incalculable
Would the New Supply be considered a lieutenant? I’m confused as to why she would be contacting me.
Do you know if the new appliance is the IPPS? If so, are they in a golden period? If so, how did she contact you?
She sent me a message via Facebook to “call her” from a second Facebook page as I had blocked her first one. I’m not sure what stage they are at now, the last time I talked to her was six months ago when she had changed her profile on Facebook to indicate she had “married”. I haven’t had any contact with him in three months since he repaid the monies he owed me so I’m not sure what their status is now.
This may be her seeking assistance from you. What was the nature of the discussion when you spoke six months ago?
She might be suspicious, see red flags. I contacted his ex two years into our relationship because I knew he had cheated on her and she claimed he had gotten mean and cold to her. I wanted to figure out what was going on in our relationship because whilst I didn’t have concrete evidence at that time, there was definitely something rotten in Denmark. She never replied though, and I monumental idiot stayed with him for another two years.
Personally, I’d love it if his new supply/supplies would contact me. I’d write a whole novel in response.
What did his new supply want from you anyway? Are you sure it wasn’t him pretending to be her? To test the waters?
H.G. -It was really ugly, I loss my temper and basically called her trash for enabling him in not repaying me. I also made aware in vivid detail how intimate I was with him before I discarded him. Her last words were that she would get an order of protection, to which I laughed and encouraged her.
@Anonymous- I told her a year prior of who he was and what he would do to her before out last confrontation a few months ago. I would love nothing more for her to tell me I’m right but I’m an empathy and would probably befriend her. I thought it could be him also but the last times he’s hovered he’s done it by calling me directly
Thanks for the detail. I would not respond and maintain no contact.
Thanks!
Yes I got a butt call Hoover from a former agent of mine whom I hadn’t spoken to in three years. What would have been so awful about simply calling me to say hello, how are you, what’s going on? What does the narc lose by merely being direct and honest?
Amazing how a phone can go off on a poltergeist tangent and call someone isn’t it – from a possible list of dozens.
“Forget why you called me. Can I buy your phone please? Skills.”
His agenting was about as good as his phone habits which is why I left him.
It is their lack of self esteem (created by the abuse dished out to them in their formative years) which makes them cowards. They are so damn scared of being told No.
In any form, No is taken as a personal affront and seen as offensive in nature. Trigger attack mode. To the death.
The embodiment of not keeping all eggs in one basket. Bit rubbish for all concerned isn’t it.
Question re: #5:
Would the liking a picture on Instagram qualify as a silent Hoover?
Oh and LOL at “your face was in the latte froth and name spelled out in jam when the toast dropped on the floor”. That totally made me snort laugh.
Gabbanzobean
He makes me laugh too!
He makes me laugh most of all, Scarecrow.
Somehow, I feel we’re not in Kansas city anymore, Toto.
No hoovers for me….yet!!!
Wow…you explain everything so thoroughly. It helps to prepare.
Spelled out not it.
Wow I just realized in the last 3 months alone that he has used like 4 out of 6 of these hoover’s. Thanks HG I knew but to see it listed and spelled it for me makes it all the more real.
HG, first time responder. My ex remarried a man she met five months ago online, we have been divorced since September. She initially told me about him when they started dating. We share a child together, so I asked right off the back I would eventually like to meet him since she moved him in so quickly into her home. She told me I will never meet him and then she retracted her statement and said I will meet him when they get married, that was in January. HG I have never met the man yet, every time he’s over there she wants me to meet her at the local grocery store when I drop my child off or when I drop our child off he is not there at the house. She has given him my number, and we have gotten into it twice, because she has given him bogus statements that I still want her and that is not the case. I have been hoovered by her through continual fake Facebook friend request and texts messages about nothing and she even filed a CPS report against me which was dismissed. My question is what is her aim and why does she go out her way to keep us separate? And he is a downgrade, her family doesn’t understand her actions as well, but they will not say anything about her choices. Any thing to help subside my confusion?
Can somebody approve me?
Hello Daddy Empath and welcome on board.
1. Read “Why Is He With Her?” and swap genders to address the downgrading issue.
2. As to her family, they do not know what she is and therefore how would they understand why she behaves as she does. Also, since they are her family they will be blinded to her behaviours to some extent and not wanting to get involved. Read the articles “Coterie” and “Nobody Is Listening” for more understanding.
3. She keeps you separate from him because she is triangulating you both but doing so through absence. She knows you want to meet him because you care about your child and you want to make sure he is going to treat your child well. Understandable. By not allowing you this assurance, she keeps you in play and draws fuel from you. You keep asking to see him, she frustrates you, she gains fuel and keeps a connection alive with you. She probably tells him that you are a nutcase and therefore it is best he is not around. He probably wants to see you so he can get all alpha male and warn you off, but she denies him this opportunity too and thus she is keeping him engaged in this manner and gaining fuel.
Thank you HG, I was a little apprehensive at first to respond! But you are the truth. Godspeed to you and your recovery.
You are welcome, stick around.
HG I have been around for a few months now and I’m always really touched by your apparent patience and perseverance with us readers.
The questions I asked at the beginning were answered politely and succinctly and I watch as you answer the same (seemingly pretty generic?) questions from others again and again and no doubt you have answered many before myself!
Who knows what goes on behind the screen but you present yourself with such gentleman qualities.
Thank you for that.
And everything.
I just wish you could feel/experience the joy and freedom you afford so many of us here.
Thank you KCN for your gracious comment.
I have recently experienced my ex going to the police and lying about me harassing him and his new partner, sending his family anonymous messages, showing up at his home and work. None of it was true, and when the police called me I gave my side of the story, with proof, and they said they weren’t going to pursue the allegation further. Why would he do that? I made it clear I wanted nothing to do with him, he made it clear he wanted nothing to do with me. He told me if I said another word to him or his partner, that he would go to the police. I didn’t reply. Why did he go to the police and have the arrogance to lie to them like that? Was it a way to hurt me and scare me? I just don’t understand why you would go to such extreme lengths that could backfire on you when its found out you are lying.
rg25blog
He was trying to provoke you so he could get your fuel.
And when I don’t respond does that frustrate him or is he content knowing it would have affected me?
rg25blog
I think he would be content knowing it would have affected you. Thought fuel.
Number 6 was particularly relevant to me BUT instead of it triggering me I focused on the following;
Your face appeared in the froth on our morning latte;
Your name was spelt in jam on the kitchen floor when we dropped our toast.
Haha. Love it! And that would’ve probably worked on me 20 years ago!!
Thank you HG for mixing serious with humourous. You’ve nicely deflected a trigger for me.