Achieving NoFuC
Achieving NoFuC is the way to force the narcissist to leave you alone.
If you are being pestered by someone trying to seduce you who you have no interest in.
If you are being badly treated by someone who is bullying you.
If you are being repeatedly harassed by someone you were once in a relationship with.
If you are being smothered by someone who seems pleasant but is behaving over the top at the outset of your involvement with them.
If he or she just will not leave you alone.
You are in all likelihood being hoovered by a narcissist, whether it is in seduction or whether it is devaluing behaviour. Whether it is at the outset of the relationship, during the relationship or after the relationship such behaviour where this person will not leave you alone exhibits the behaviour of the narcissist.
To deal with them, you need to achieve NoFuC.
To understand what this means, what needs to be done and what it achieves, use this useful logic bulletin today.
33 thoughts on “Achieving NoFuC”
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H G,
I was discarded by my ex fiancé in March and he hovered me in May by showing up announced. I have been NC the entire time. If I say NC and avoid the first 5 spheres will he leave me alone or most likely keep trying?
Unannounced
This will reduce the risk considerably but not eliminate the risk of a hoover. You may still enter the sixth sphere (and you have no control over that). The Hoover Execution Criteria may be met and therefore a hoover will follow, but if your NC is robust then you should have pushed the bar high on the HEC and minimised the risk.
HG…this can all even happen with just a friend? I suppose narcs are never really just a friend, huh? He’s been my friend for35yrs. And after I chose my ( now ex husband) over him he went I his way, moved out of town married a few times. We’ve always kept contact. He always introduced me to his wives. Now the last one has also left him. He moved back in town and we’ve maintained a friendship. If he spends the night, he’s on the couch. No sex no making out. A kiss hello, a kiss goodbye. He does all the things this article talks about and I know he’s a Narsasist. But I thought I was safe because we’re not in a relationship. I’m not safe am I?
My ex narc is showing up randomly at places he knows I could be. He says nothing and I don’t acknowledge him. Our last contact was tumultuous and me telling him who he is and him projecting back. Very ugly and we both accused each other of stalking.
I was in line at a coffee shop yesterday and he walked right past me nearly brushing my shoulder so I would see him, yet didn’t look at me. I just kept my gaze straight ahead as you suggested.
HG, Is his stalking still just to “make an appearance” because he isn’t getting enough fuel from his primary fuel source? Why bother if she is meeting all his needs. P.S. he knows I’ve made contact with all his ex’s and know the whole story. I’m likely enemy #1 now!!
For the past 2 days, my ex narc is really leaving me alone.
Yes we know
Thx for the confirmation. That made me laugh.
This is so ridiculous we have been apart for 1.5yrs now and recently since he got his own place he doesn’t like being alone, he ” misses me and our daughter and hates when we leave” and now when I leave he been saying “I love you”! What is wrong w me what am I doing? I know it’s just because he lonely, I know he still sleeping w other women and of course. Lies about it. I don’t know what is wrong with me!
Knowledgejourney there is nothing wrong with you.
What would cause the liking of an Instagram picture? And nothing further? Stuck in that 6th sphere somehow?
You entered a sphere of influence and the hoover execution criteria was met which resulted in a passive hoover through liking an Instagram picture.
Well explained piece.
Can you please explain to me how I do this when you have a child with this person.
This is a copy of an email I just received from him. I just can’t deal with it. It’s ongoing. Everyday. Always my fault. I’m going crazy and my son is only 12.
——Would it be so terrible to be wrong let alone admit it if you’ve made a mistake? I know you find it very difficult or near impossible to do this but we do need to resolve this three weekend issue . You are no wilting flower when it comes to putting your view across, so you must know by now you are wrong. So can you not just admit you made a mistake so we can move forward?
Your view regarding the reading of that term of the agreement is important and this matter does need to be settled. So please tell me wether you now agree with the interpretation or not? Or are you saying that you are just “giving me” this weekend and when the situation occurs in the future you don’t expect an adjustment if I have 3 weekends and won’t make any adjustment if you have? (I’m of course not talking Spring or Winter vacation as by now you would have figured out what I was saying is correct )——-
It’s this language usually with bullet points attached . I try to have as little to do with him as I possibly can. But he is relentless.
Any advice you can give would be really helpful.
Hello Bunhead,
I recommend you read the article Save the Children and then for specific assistance with your situation this is best addressed through a private consultation (see the menu bar for this on the blog) as this the best forum for providing you with the detailed insight you require.
The only sphere of influence I could be in with my narc is the sixth.
Post-discard here
Didn’t chase after him
2 months silence
Now receiving nice texts (for now): Benign
NC in place
Texts getting more of a pissed off tone now (one to two every couple of days)
So, he’s receiving enough fuel elsewhere to be doing this. Fuck him. The malign texts will come I know it. For now, the thought fuel will be keeping him going because I’ve always fallen for the previous ones. Luckily, the sixth sphere is the ONLY one I’ll appear in.
These are my favourite articles.
You the man, HG.
Indeed I am Sarah and I am pleased you like them.
So today I thought I saw the recent ex Narc at the store. I turn my head so he couldn’t see my face, hide behind an aisle and peak when he wasn’t looking as I went to check out at the cashier. She was laughing in tears because apparently I was not slick. I explained I was avoiding an ex. She looked at me and said she needed to take notes. I said “you are witnessing the avoidance of entering a sphere of influence, a form of witness protection” with a smile, then she and I both bust out laughing. I must have looked a sight as she was in tears laughing at me. He walked by, it wasn’t him. But got a good laugh and a strange look from store clerk. I’m sure she wondered, wth is a sphere of influence 😂
Brilliant. I wish you had filmed this.
Next time! Think Lucile Ball and her stumbling around to avoid Ricki Ricardo catching her in some scheme to get on his show. Clumsy but effective 😂
Who?
Oh yes, I forgot. You are but a twenty something 😉 American comedians from the 50s. I like old classic movies and TV shows.
I am obliged.
Do you really wish she had filmed this, HG, or is it something you’ve quickly scanned your eyes over and then said something encouraging?
I can’t wait to use this NoFuC term in a post.
Yes I do wish she had filmed this, it would have entertained me.
It certainly entertained the cashier. Seeing her laugh in tears at/with me tickled me. Even more when I said to her, “Wrong guy”. We both were laughing then. Very healing and funny.
LOL, HG, it would have amused me too 🙂
It does remind me of my “connection” with a female cashier, we’d had a giggle or two. I was “testing” the MRN (I suspect, have noted a number of “observations” LOL). He did a ‘withdrawal’ as a means of ‘dealing with his “issue”’ (because he was not getting the attention from me or her, so he left, ah, I am so naughty LOL). Sometimes I can ‘triangulate’ well 😉 There is one b*tch there though, she has “dished” it out towards me so many times over the years, now I know why, I get to decide whether to “retaliate” or be polite (ah, the power of knowing LOL).
Narcissists ‘colliding’ LOL. Me. And ‘them’. They don’t know. I do LOL. My ‘dirty little secret’ (snickering).
I’m pretty sure that I know the answer to this, but is this constant back and forth, breaking up, not breaking up, a normal part of the game? I know about his other woman (maybe women?) but he keeps having this so called “crisis of conscience” where he decides we should just be friends, then two days later, we are definitely not just friends. There is a lot of “you deserve someone to take better care of you” and sometimes even the “you enable me to be the monster that I really am.” It’s getting old. What is the deal with this?
It is called never giving you any comfort, solidity of understanding or assurance. Thus you keep wanting answers and assurances, you keep hanging around and you keep providing fuel. By never letting you settle, he is able to keep you confused so you cannot move forward.
Sounds about right. It also seems that I am always the back up plan. I have been the back up plan through so many women that I am actually the end game. Shame that I already know and will be out of there before we make it to that point.
I am recovering from a female narcopath, post-disposal and concurrent escape (I was discarded, and then denied any form of contact to prevent providing fuel). Do female NPs do these things differently, lerhaps in more subtle ways? I have had very little direct interaction, but I detect subtle attampts at maintaining some sort of link to me for possible use in later hoovering (like keeping some of my things, very slow, incremental withdrawals on social media, etc.). I have not yet experienced any direct hoovering such as you describe…are they just biding their time, perhaps?
Hello Sucker and welcome on board. The female of our kind use similar methods to the male. There are differences in that sexuality will be used more extensively and women tend to be more represented in the Mid-Range school, albeit this is anecdotal. Physical violence occurs but is less prevalent. In the situation you refer to it is the case that the individual concerned will be biding their time.
The persistence in the beginning was really kind of creepy, but at the same time a bit…flattering. Of course, I had no real idea what a narcissist is before I met my most recent ex. He messaged me online and I found him odd, creepy, boring. For example, he’d constantly tell me about the dates he had with other women. Whilst I had zero interest in him, I did find that entirely out of place. I repeatedly stopped replying to his messages, he didn’t stop though. I am in the position that I’ve seen screenshots sent by me by one of his new victims and he did exactly the same. If she didn’t reply within a time that he must have thought she should, he sent a follow-up message.
In the beginning of our relationship, he used to admire body parts of mine in this pretty creepy way. He stroked them and stared at them. It seemed like he was memorising them. He also took several pictures of my apartment. Later when he gave me his old iPad I looked through the photos and found some pictures of my address on old university papers I’d written. Seemed pretty strange. At that point I was still sure I’d get the hell out of that relationship soon enough but unfortunately I didn’t because he poisoned me.