The Weapon That Is Infidelity
Infidelity is a given when you are ensnared by one of our kind. We know that it is not pleasant for you to think of us in the arms of another, conjoined in sexual congress as we do things with them that we have done with you and then we return to you. We know that infidelity is something that someone like you abhors. You have a strong moral compass, you behave in an honest and decent fashion and expect us to do the same. That will not happen. You place considerable belief in the question of trust and the concept of monogamy. Our infidelity will manifest in lots of different ways: –
- Having sexual liaisons with third parties, some of whom will be strangers and others will be prospects who are looking to seduce;
- Sending and receiving text messages of a sexual content;
- Describing online what we want to do to someone and they to you;
- Sexual liaisons with your friends and family members;
Although I know it is scant consolation to you since ultimately it is the breach of trust which causes you the greatest pain, we do not commit acts of infidelity because we want the sex. Admittedly, the physical sensation is enjoyable but that is not the reason we are repeatedly unfaithful. In terms of our attitudes to sex and especially sex with you, read Sex and the Narcissist. For the purposes of this publication it is sufficient to explain that when are unfaithful the sex is not the primary purpose. It is the fact that in your world sex is equated with love, affection and attraction and as a consequence it serves a purpose as a formidable weapon in our hands. We use it to seduce to we can additional fuel from third parties. We use it to seduce a new prospect who will provide us with fuel and will ultimately replace you. Initially we will be covert about our infidelity as we do not wish to damage having you as our primary source and therefore our need to obtain fuel from secondary sources through infidelity will remain covered up. Over time we will continue to use sex with other people as a means of gaining additional fuel but we will also be doing this to seduce your replacement. Eventually when we start our devaluation of you, we will be far less covert concerning our extra-marital affairs and often we will not care if you know or not. Indeed, we may even flaunt a mistress in front of you for the purposes of making you try harder and to provoke you so that you provide us with additional negative fuel.
Infidelity is not about the sex. It is about fuel. It is about control. Being unfaithful to you abuses your trust, it pours scorn on the vows we have taken and makes a mockery of you and what you stand for. It is abusive behaviour and to expect a narcissist to always be faithful is like expecting the tide to stop advancing when you tell it do so. It just will not happen. Infidelity is second nature to us because the weapon that is sex is just too good not to use to gain additional fuel. If there was another device that was so potent we would use it instead. The fact that sex feels enjoyable is just a matter of nerve endings and a pleasant side-effect. For us, sex is all about using it to further our aims; gathering fuel.
We will be unfaithful to you at some point. That is a guarantee. When we are first seducing you, we will be in the process of devaluing someone else leading to his or her discard. We most likely will have withdrawn sex from the victim who we are devaluing and be having sex with you as the new object of our seduction. This does not mean that since you are the apple of our eye we will be faithful to you. We will have intermittent sex with the person who is subjected to the devaluation either as a means of giving them a short golden period again or for the purposes of extracting further fuel by subjecting them to humiliating sexual activities. We will also be courting other prospects also as well as you and therefore there is a strong likelihood we will be bedding that person also. We will, when seducing you, maintain an image of fidelity since that is what you expect. If you are conducting an affair with us, we will assure you that our current partner (whom we are devaluing) never has sex with us, we sleep in separate beds and so on. We will bemoan the fact they never have sex with us in order to draw sympathy from you as the new prospect.
By contrast, we will triangulate you as the new prospect with our current partner. We will drop heavy hints that we are being unfaithful or even actively admit it in order to further the hurt. Our rationale behind this is that monogamy is for the little people and this does not include us. That would make us less special and we cannot have that. We are entitled to seek sex outside of a relationship because this is our inalienable right to enable us to obtain fuel. We feel no guilt in doing this, we do not respect any vows we may have given to remain faithful to you and we have no qualms about coupling with someone else. The reason for this is that we have to do it and in a perverse way, the only reflection on you is that you are not giving us the fuel we need. It is not a reaction to what you look like, what you do, who your friends are or what your interests might happen to be. We will of course use them, as a method of lashing out at you should you try and question us about our infidelity because as I have explained in Manipulated we will deploy blame shifting frequently when we are under attack. It is often the case that when a partner learns of the infidelity of their partner that they will scrutinise their own conduct.
“Is it something I have done?”
This means that you will examine your own behaviour and try to improve in some way because you will want to salvage our relationship. The fact of your addiction means you do not want to let us go. You will be mightily hurt and offended by our infidelity but you will try to find some way of fixing it because that is what you like to do. If our infidelity shows any risk of causing you to depart, we will hastily reinstate the golden period, as a Preventative Hoover, if you will, to stop you departing from us. Most of the time however, because of the way you are, you blame yourselves (often because we warp your way of thinking to do this) and you try to patch things over. Your need to resolve matters results in you clinging to us notwithstanding our fidelity. Indeed, in some instances you want to prove that you are better than the person we committed our infidelity with. You want to fight to retain us and ensure that our relationship triumphs.
We will also use infidelity as a means by which to control you and make you do what we want: –
“If you gave me more attention I would not go elsewhere.”
“If you put out more often I would not have to get it from someone else.”
“Perhaps if you hadn’t let yourself slide I wouldn’t stray would I?”
“If you thought more about me rather than yourself perhaps it would not have happened?”
“I won’t leave you, I should, but I will stay but some things are going to have to change.”
You are the victim. We have committed the transgression but other than when we fear you might leave us and sever our supply of fuel, we will not apologise but pin the blame on you. You will have been subjected to a succession of manipulation wiles in order to browbeat you and lower your resistance so that when we unveil our infidelity we use it as a method of getting what we want from you, namely more fuel and more control.
Infidelity is bad enough in the context of a “normal” relationship. With our kind it will always happen, it will always happen with many people and will do so repeatedly. It is a further black flag of abusive behaviour.
23 thoughts on “The Weapon That Is Infidelity”
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H.G. IT,S GETTING VERY WARN IN HERE ! MAYBE WHAT I CALL ENERGY YOU CALL FUEL , WHEN MY MALE NARCISSIST FRIEND WANT’S SEE ME I GET SO EXCITED TRYING TO GET READY PERFUME EARRINGS HAIR ETC. HE TAUGHT ME I DIDN’T NEED 2HOURS ONLY15MIN,S LOOK GREAT , I NEVER KNEW WHEN HE WOULD SHOW ,IF HE,D SHOW UP , BUT THE EXPERIENCE WAS EXCITING A WAITING GAME WILL HE? WON’T HE? SURE AS HELL KEEPS ME ON MY TOE’S😏😋! MAYBE H.G.NARC,S ARE ALSO IN OUR LIVES TO HAVE US LEARN ABOUT OUR WEAK SPOTS LEARN TO FIX OUR SELVES ! WHAT IS YOUR SPIN ON THIS?? SINCERELY SHARON
Excellent article, HG. I have a question for you. I don’t think my hub has sex with anyone else. But he has an extensive digital porn collection, much of it saved in folders named after women on his very visible desktop. Could that be his way of using “infidelity” as a weapon. I also discovered and confronted him with having photos of MY MOTHER’S FEET. He took them on multiple occasions when I was standing right there!!!! His reply was “I don’t know what to say.” Right when I confronted him with this, and told him how much it hurts and feels like a betrayal because he chooses this over sex with me, he suddenly decided he wants sex multiple times a week. And I feel like a bad wife if I say no, because he’s trying. But he never addressed why the fuck he has pics of my mother’s feet. Oh, and also he has pics of women whose computers he worked on and he saved their photo directories in his personal collection too. I’m 100 percent sure they did not consent to their pics being kept as porn.
Is this also a way of using infidelity to hurt and betray? I find the fact that it was very easy to see most of this stuff in the open, but for so long I did not look because he had conditioned me not to snoop.
H.G. JUST WONDERING, ARE YOU GREAT IN. THE BEDROOM??? 🐂🐂
Yes.
H.G. I. KNEW YOU WOULD BE , OH WELL, MY LOSS I MISSED OUT AGAIN !🍓🌰TRULY (VERY ) SHARON
H.G. ARE YOU GREAT IN THE BEDROOM???🐂🐂
Common sexual behavior for sociopaths as well. Interestingly, all sociopaths are narcissists, but not all narcissists are sociopaths. Your candor is eye opening. I do however, wonder if you’re a sociopath. Do you feel guilt or remorse for your treatment of others? Does hurting others cause pain for you?
I feel neither guilt or remorse. Hurting others does not trouble me in any way, indeed the reaction from those who are hurt fuels me.
I don’t think we’d reached the point where he cheated. The porn addiction and social media attention sufficed.
But he cheated on his wife just after his son was born (go figure) and the affair only ended because she found someone else. He and his wife then (allegedly) only had sex very occasionally which he used to of course blame her for. Weight gain, lack of attraction etc etc.
It’s completely maddening now how he managed to inveigle himself. I’m pretty choosy with the people I allow close to me. I hate bullshit and drama with a passion, especially if it’s at someone else’s expense. If I was ordinarily getting acquainted with someone and I found out they had behaved in such a way they would immediately be placed on the “at arms’ length” register. And yet he managed to disarm my bullshit detector with ease. Red flags at night, narcs delight 😕
My ex was married, actually wait, he still is. In the four years we were together, the court just kept messing up that divorce. Right! Anyway, he told me he cheated on his wife with a neighbour and with street hookers. Normally, if any other guy would have told me that, I would have stopped all contact and been severely disgusted. But like you say, he managed to deceive me into believing that he sort of had no choice (ugh) but to cheat on her and that he’d never do it again. He has cheated on me probably from the start. Why I was blind enough to not see it – or rather believe his lies because the red flags kept hitting me in my face – is entirely beyond me. It’s frustrating but I try not to blame myself too much. I think I was temporarily insane for four years. Plus, I didn’t know much about narcissists until I found out about his cheating and started to research and found HG. So in a way, yes, I was naive, because I didn’t think someone could be so horrible without it being very obvious to me.
You have false hope that somehow you were “good enough” for him to not ‘actually cheat.’ When all the evidence points otherwise. Mine cheated on his wife with me. I lived in a self created haze of blinding glory too that I could be THE one. And ONLY. I realize now? Not possible with this kind and this evidence. I was blind. The light shines brightly thanks to #thetruth which stings but ALSO makes me recoil at the whole: what was I thinking deal. Hindsight, with a WHOLE LOT OF INSIGHT provided by HG is 20/20.
Narcissists are definitely prone to cheating. Some love the risk of it and knowing they are being decietful and getting away with it a bit like stealing. Its a rush to some sick as it may be.
Others are sex addicts and crave the sex from many. They need that new hit of a different lover. It feeds their sexual need to be with others and not just one. Variety chases away boredom.
In my own case i wouldve never have strayed if it werent for my situation in my marriage. Infidelity is never the answer. Its filled a void but theres been a price tag attached and a very high one at that.
Infidelity to a narcissist is not a big deal. Its just another means to fill their dark void with a different type of fuel and use it to inflict pain and shame, two things a narc feels on a daily basis.
This makes sense and seemed such sad pain to cause someone who cares for you. I am not even sure I feel sorry for him but I almost do. I said hello to the narc for the last time 4 months ago. Instead of being happy to hear from me, I had no agenda but to say hello, he automatically launches into how busy he was, even sent me 5 pictures to show he was and starts projecting all this ill intent on my reasons for saying hello. He was in a fury and I didn’t even say hardly a thing. But then he sends me 5 photos of what he was doing and pics I could not find anywhere online to prove he just copied them over. Seems he really took that time to take them and send them. All this fake attempts to show me he was busy, not messing around?
Then he says, all you think is that I am chasing girls or something to that effect. Trying to make me feel badly for the jealousy he knows I felt. However, I also know that he is desperate and so much of what he does publicly to get people to chase him is just the painful triangulation talk and game. The truth is he likely isn’t getting sex as much as he pretends and not with anyone in a loving relationship, maybe unless he pays for it (money, ‘gifts’ or the like). And I heard from sources close to him that he has no one, and is alone and desperate.
So there he is, starting this bizarre fight with me, angry that all he thinks I think about is that all he does is spend his time chasing girls, angry cause he told me and I should know he only takes what he can get and it’s not so frequent and he can’t find anyone, and yet he provoked this fight around his sex life for no reason. Other than control?
And nothign was the truth. He’s not that sexually active with a steady partner really in the end but his public game is so strong that it has to come with some repercussions as anyone who is constantly bragging about being unfaithful or being a womanizer has some price to pay in their reputation.
So what does he do? pick a fight with me, knowing that when I think he was too busy for me, that I was afraid he was likely out “whoring” even though that wasn’t even on my mind that time when we talked and wasn’t ever on my mind in the beginning until he really worked his game, but he puts it out there. But he puts it out there now as something that is now MY problem for assuming was likely going on when that’s the illusion he is always trying to create… a fancy, busy lady’s man.
But seems so sad you know? All a tangled mess of lies to keep me off balance (or anyone else who might have tried to love him) is all it was I guess. He couldn’t even just start off, hey, I am really glad to hear from you, I am in the middle of this experiement and its really taking my time, how about I buzz you in an hour? Instead, he provoked a massive fight around his promiscuity that he normally is so proud of, raged off and it wasn’t but a few days later, that the fight which didn’t end that night, finally ended in blocking.
All for fuel? All a reason to provoke a fight with me? To control me to hurt me with the jealousy he know he grew in me?! Just for freaking fun?
This is why I think it’s not true all narcs just dis-engage. He provoked a fight and ended blocking me. He wanted to cut me off forever. My eternal punishment for betraying him (after he deeply hurt and betrayed me again).
What a crazy way to live. All that around your sex like for control and fuel?
i.e. one or more sexually transmitted diseases that you, of course, gave to him. Never that he gave it to you from all his other sources.
Fortunately, in my case, infidelity wasn’t his weapon, but his death sentence (not literally). I found the evidence, I abused him verbally, I went no contact. That’s how I operate.
I’m sure this has been brought up before but wouldn’t polyamory be perfect for your kind? Or is it not because there’s no manipulation, no lies – and especially because your partner would be allowed to have other partners as well? Although I’ve seen cases where the woman (usually) wasn’t polyamorous but didn’t mind that her partner was.
They couldn’t handle sharing their appliance (partner) with someone else.
“The fact that sex feels enjoyable is just a matter of nerve endings and a pleasant side-effect. For us, sex is all about using it to further our aims; gathering fuel.” No matter how many times I have read this article, that line never not stings.
It is what creates life and a driving life force in and of itself. It’s like I go numb if I think the other person isn’t bonding with me during the act. No matter how Olympian they are.
Myself personally, this was one of the most hurtful and manipulative forms of abuse
Ms Brown
Didnt you write in another post that you are asexual? If thats the case, do you mean emotionally bonding with another person was the hurtful part and not the sex itself?
What’s happened to all the comments, HG?
Will you be making a ‘behind the scenes’ DVD, with all the bloopers and hilarious cock-ups purposely kept in moderation?
Nothing Sarah, they have been held in moderation whilst I have been busy elsewhere.
Were you in bed with my best friend?
Depends who she was.