The Ten Initial Desires of the Narcissist
I am red of tooth and claw. I seduce, I hurt, I cast to one side and like some malevolent Pied Piper, I play my tunes once again and draw you into my fabricated world. I operate a zero sum policy. I want what you have. If I gain it, I win. I love to win. I must always win. The winner is the conqueror, the strongest and the survivor. This is what I have been taught. That is the reality of my existence. Yet when you have been selected as our targets and the seduction has commenced, we have certain desires that we want to be true. There are initial desires that exist so that we do not have to go down the road so often travelled. We may have ensnared you but might we remain protector rather than persecutor?
We have these wants at the outset of our coupling with you. These are genuine, well-intentioned and considerable in nature. We are imbued with hope, optimism and confidence, every time a new prospect has been embraced by us. We want these things so that the teeth are never bared and the claws remain lowered.
- You are the one
I chose you because you are so special. I truly believe that you are the one, this time, to change everything that has happened before. You are the one who will save us, you have been selected beyond everybody else because you are the one. That is why we have such an infatuation with you at the outset of our relationship.
- You will not betray us.
The world is a cruel and harsh place and we know better than most how that is the case. We are surrounded by those who would strike us down and grind us into the nothingness which we fear. Those assassins lurk and wait, seeking their moment and we must ensure we remain vigilant so we do not fall prey to them. Traitors and betrayers mill about us, but we are wise to them. We know their game and we have them in our eye. We do not want you to be one of them.
- You won’t be like the others
We thought they would be the ones that we desired but they disappointed and dismayed and they left us no choice other than to punish them for their lack of loyalty and their false promises. We had to do so, otherwise a failure to act would only compound the perception of our weakness and we must at all times project to the world our image of success and magnificence. We hope you will not be like them so we need not maintain such a façade and we hope you will prove your worth so that you will not be like the others and let us down.
- You will stop the emptiness
Each and every day we must seek to fill the void that lurks within. It is part of what we are and we accept that this is the task which must be addressed because so much rests on being able to perform this important act. It is the reason for our existence but perhaps you can stop that sense of emptiness for us. Perhaps you can take away that void and provide us with the substance that we crave.
- You quell the fury
It is always there, churning away, waiting to be unleashed and directed at some transgressor, critic or traitor. I have learned to control it, many of my kind cannot do so and will never do so, it is a mark of my excellence and my superiority. I make it work for me, to advance my plans and to smite my foes. I have no choice for it is always there, waiting to be ignited in an instant. I can control it but I cannot quell it. Can you be the one to do this for me?
- You won’t get too close
Perhaps if you avoid getting too close to us you will not then let us down like the others before you have. We hope that you can provide us with all the things that we desire without the need to invade our inner sanctum which must remain locked and shuttered. Do not attempt to enter there for the consequences are too dreadful, for us both. Do not get too close and perhaps we have a chance to achieve the other desires that we wish for.
- You really do love us
They all seem to do so at the beginning but then we find ourselves surrounded by charlatans, con-merchants and frauds. Why does this always happen? All we want is for you to love us, unconditionally and eternally. That is what we only ever wanted.
- You will not wound us
No matter how grand and imperial we are, no matter how magnificent our achievements and our deportment that signals to the world that we are truly brilliant, a leader in our field, a behemoth and a colossus, we can be wounded with such despicable ease by those who send criticism our way. It hurts, it burns and it wounds and we must defend ourselves against such unwarranted and disgusting behaviour. Perhaps you will be the one who will not wound us in this way.
- You will not leave
Don’t leave us. The others have always done so. We do not understand why that is after everything that we have done, all the things we endeavoured to do to please them and then this is what happens. The others leave us twice. They come with such promise and deliver for a time but then they do so no longer and through such an omission they leave us. We want that person to return but struggle to contain the fury which is unleashed from this horrible criticism of us and then you sever all possibility of a return when you walk away from us. Do you know who you are when you do that?
- You won’t make us leave you.
Please do not do the things which force us away from you. The others all headed down that path. It causes us to consider that we are cursed, forever burdened by the fate that we will have no choice other than to leave you in order to secure our survival. Perhaps you can be the one who prevents that feeling from happening?
Each and every time these ten desires loom large when we commence our engagement with you. Some show such promise and for such a time and then one by one these desires are crushed, shattered and obliterated. We know only one way to respond to the destruction of our desires because we are red of tooth and claw.
35 thoughts on “The Ten Initial Desires of the Narcissist”
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HG, this is so interesting and so true. At the beginning, my ex-narc was overly excited at the prospect of meeting me, and began immediately blowing up my phone, furiously texting me every hour of every day. Beginning each morning with a “good morning beautiful” and then would say things like: “I haven’t been this excited about a girl in a very long time” and “You’re not like the other women I’ve met in recent years” (aka I was very “cool” and “not needy” according to him). But behind his excitement and zeal, there was always something missing with him, some cold darkness in his eyes that I couldn’t quite explain, though his passionate interest was so intoxicating and almost innocently childish, it made it easy to look past these strange flaws, almost like I was his fix, his anecdote, his “One.” Besides all of this, we had similar political and family values, a great mental and intellectual connection and also amazing sexual chemistry – a seemingly great recipe for a long-term relationship!!
Of course, this period did not last long because I turned the tables on him pretty early in the relationship (while we were still in the “Golden Zone”), this led to an inevitable and immediate transition into what you call the “Dark Zone”… I remember wondering why he would change so drastically, and why we could never get back to the good part. It must have been my fault for pulling away and giving him the cold shoulder so early on, I must have scared him or showed some revealing flaw that turned him off. Now I understand that I just precipitated the inevitable by prematurely “rejecting” him (I wasn’t rejecting him, but just reacting to my own fears of moving too fast and wanting to slow down the pace a bit). I attempted for several weeks to get back to the initial passion and excitement, but to no avail. One day, we had hit bottom after hours of talking in circles about the relationship…he finally admitted, as he sat angrily sulking with his arms crossed in front of him, that he could not have a real relationship with me because he was “dead inside” (yikes!) I broke it off then and there.
This all leads me to my question… The Narc really DOES hope and wish that we will be the “One” and fill their empty void. But does he ever find the “One”? Is there someone perfect for them out there? Or are they so damaged that they will never find what they truly seek, or what “normal people” consider to be a true, reciprocal and loving partnership?
Thank you!
Not so far, no.
Jane. i got goosebumps reading your reply. Almost as if we had dated the exact same man. I knew too early on and i too pulled back and that was the beginning of the end.
Dear HG,
The trap is believing that anyone else can quell anything within us. That is our own personal work. So long as fear is your great motivator (my understanding of your last few articles…) using people, & feeling failed will be the lot found.
That is what you’ve taught me through your writing.
I hope one day you find contentment or perhaps something other than fear & fury to keep you company.
This article has brought about my compassion. I have no investment in any result.
…You’ll let me act like a 12-year old boy as I constantly take out my mommy isssues on you and you’ll like it! I’ll push your buttons and love watching you scream. I’ll lie and never take responsibility for anything. You’ll be my maid, because I’m only12 and mommy’s clean up after their sons. I’ll tell you that you aren’t my mother, but really you are…every woman is my mother. You aren’t leaving me. I’m the boss of you!
The bucket is an anology to differentiate between normals and narcs… Obviously in this case, not a successful one!
Scout
I appreciated your bucket analogy.
Thank you K. 😉
Once again I am enthralled by you HG. Are you in fact Evil? From your eloquent writing to your candor, I wonder if evil is your true intention?
You can make your own mind up about that DJ as you continue to read.
is that the “cheeky” answer? and what is cheeky anyway? a British term?
It is showing a lack of respect but in an amusing manner.
thank you for the definition
You are welcome.
cool, Im going to have to master that “cheeky” stuff to add to my bag of trix…
It can also land you on the Naughty Step.
Amongst other issues around NPD, the narcissist’s ‘love’ bucket is full of holes; by contrast, a normal person’s ‘love’ bucket has no holes, remains full and over flows. Hence why a narc will never be full-filled. Tragic.
Love bucket conjures up a different image Scout. Thought I would make that point before Narc Angel dives in! (Not into the Love Bucket btw)
wait, what is love bucket?
A receptacle for pouring love into, I should imagine.
The “empty bucket” analogy is a method of visualising why empaths become victims. (I’ve come across it in the narcissistic abuse community on YT).
Unmet needs from childhood (little or no love, attention etc) are seen as your “buckets” (of stability, significance etc) being almost or completely empty. Whatever you were missing as a child becomes your weakness as an adult, and you are craving for these buckets to be filled. Narcs instinctively know this and con you into believing that they would satisfy your needs.
A normal person’s buckets are intact, they are constantly being filled and emptied, they can hold the love that is poured into the bucket, and they can give it away. A narc’s buckets have holes in them, and no matter how often you fill them, they will always remain empty.
I think it’s a very helpful analogy.
I looked in the sky where an Elephant’s eye
Was looking at me from a Bubblegum tree,
And all that I knew was a hole in my shoe, Which was letting out water.
Letting IN water.
I read this comment first (the newest appear first in moderation) and as soon as I read it I thought of Hole in My Shoe and there it was in your next comment.
At some point he told me ” if I don’t change with you I’ll never change”.
I felt a responsibility I didn’t want. He didn’t change because he didn’t want to, not because I failed.
But it has to be my fault. So be it. My magic wand didn’t work, I said the magic formula the wrong way, at the wrong time.
I wasn’t paying attention when in school they explained how to change people in three easy steps. I was only following the loose 50lb overnight with a 5 min. easy meditation class, with 6 pack abs bonus. My fault. Oh well.
HG so in the golden period when you’re infatuated, even the greater believes that he truly loves that person?
Correct.
That makes the hurt harder knowing that , they believe they love you too .
If not all narcissists are psychopaths, sociopaths, etc then it would hold true that it is possible that some would have a conscious, and if you want tto go deeper, a soul. So maybe for those, it is their form of love. Unfortunately, it is too damaging for others to endure it. Other personality disorder are capable of love, even if they will never be “cured”. This does not mean it is the kind of love that will make for a happy life with someone else.
Couldn’t this be a correct assumption, HG?
No.
Well, that’s about as plain as day. So much for everything I have learned and believed my entire life. I still hold out for the good in mankind overall. They are out there.
Thank you for the reply HG.
I’m blown away. I actually told him that his “fake” love was better than any “real” love I’ve ever received. It’s sad to me, on so many levels. I discovered I was raised by a pack of narc/sociopaths, and had never been loved at all. I can’t “unsee”” what he exposed me, to. I never would have left, had he not turned his ugli-ness on me. I was happy with those rose colored glasses ON. 6 months, no contact. The ex, my family, his family.It’s tough living with the reality of the dark places he took me to, but it was a lesson I needed to learn. I suppose…
Such high standards for us empaths.
1. He thought I was the “It Girl.”
2. I betrayed him with my actions.
3. I was like all the others and he admitted to punishing me for it.
4. All the empaths in the world can’t fill the void.
5. There was no quelling of the fury; I ignited it, instead. Oops!
6. Once, he said “When you listen, it is like you are trying to get inside of me.” I replied, “I am; I want to know exactly what you are thinking & how you feel.” He couldn’t get out of the house fast enough that day.
7. I did love him unconditionally.
8. I wounded him every time I disagreed or spoke to someone else.
9. He told me I was like his mother and that I withdrew my love.
10. I got stale; he got a new IPPS then it was time for him to GTFO!
bye bye Felicia!
and we want exactly the same…. how ironic