The Narcissistic Truths – No. 43
43 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Truths – No. 43”
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Yes! You get a snap in Z formation!
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I let him pay in public and he insisted on it. I thought what a vintage guy. He needs that for his self-confidence. At that time we earned nearly the same (I thought so). Out of public I gave him some money back in form of gifts for example. I did not want him to pay for me. Later he used it to smear me: he complained to his friends, that he always paid for me, although I knew in which disastrous financial situation he was. (I did not know.) They all had seen that he had paid. Reality is what a narc says. He used the money to make his lieutenants and coterie jealous and envious of me. They all had less money than me and he let them pay very often at social events for all of us and told them that I do not have to pay, because I was his girlfriend. I did not like that, but was to considerate to disagree in public. I trusted him and gave him some money to invent his friends on my costs. He never told them about it. Great manipulation tactic. Nice guy, really. Thank God, he is gone.
Hi Mona,
I am glad your narcissist is not in your life anymore. His behaviour is similar to what I have experienced. Two narcissists I used to help, even when my health was not good at all and I was (and still I am) not in a place to help other people, have been playing the victim role and telling other people about *all the things they did for me* and *how ungrateful I am* because I “never” did anything for them.
All the things they supposedly did for me are exactly the same things I did for them!
One of them never ever helped me and the second narcissist did it only once in all these years and I gave her a Thank You card. Yet she tells other people I “never” thanked her.
This is clearly projection.
My ex was cheap from start to finish. He rarely ever paid for anything. I was told I use too many tissues and he said I didn’t understand cause he had to pay for them…
The last time we actually did something together we went to the beach and we went to go pick up some beach crap (that he pretty much wanted) from a store and we were waiting online and as the guy rings us up he starts patting down his shorts and is like I don’t have my wallet…
The cashier and I looked at eachother and were like wtf….
So I charged it and as the charge goes through and I’m signing he digs in his pocked again and was like oh I found it….I guess I didn’t feel it in my pocket before…
Cheap men and guys that mooch turn me off so much it’s ridiculous – that’s a good way to never get laid again…
I’ll never ever put up with that shit again…
Dr harleen…cheap men turn me off too and what i mean by a cheap man isnt based purely on money but the fact they cling to money. A man could make 10.00/hr and if he used some of that to make me feel special thatd be a bigger turn on than a man that makes millions and hoards his money. Its about their personality. Stingy is icky.
I agree 110 %! Especially now that I’m older it grosses me out even more cause I’m so not cheap.
Or we expect more and settle for less then we deserve, crumbs really for the sake of their time or attention..
My ex took me to the Bristol Lounge at the Four Seasons and paid every time. He was a nurse shark compared to you HG.
I set high standards of myself but I expect less of other people. This definitely comes from my upbringing. The narcissists made it clear that they deserve better than me.
This is one of the cleverest things that you do. The training. You gradually teach the (once adored) victim to expect almost nothing. Then , out of the blue, you throw her a small piece of bread.What a lovely surprise. The victim feels as if she has been offered the whole world and acts with gratitude, actually giving y o u the world, so as to thank you for your generocity. She even feels happy, for a while. The next time she complains, you can gracefully remind her how delicious that piece of bread was. Horribly briliant.
So true.
So very true! We teach people how to treat us and the narc wears away our boundaries and conditions us to expect less and less from them in the hopes of hanging onto them. Over time that amounts to escalated abuse and demasking.
Narc affair
I vehemently concur. And it doesn’t help that many of here have come from families rife with NPD abuse, thereby, training us to accept this behavior more readily than most.
Hi k…yes its what weve been taught about ourselves at a young age. I hold not blame towards my mother im more or less over that i know shes messed up. Its up to me now to learn how to feel good about myself and in some regards thats even more rewarding its just too bad it hurts along the way and is scary at times.
The right decisions are usually the most difficult and standing by what you believe in at the riskk of losing your partner isnt easy but neither is letting them push thru your boundaries and abuse you.
Just until we had enough.
Good day HG,
Jus curious…do you ever go “Dutch” when your out dining or lunch? Including with any sort of supply(ipps, tertiary, etc.) If so, is it something agreed upon ahead of time or do you play it by ear? Like if they are not paying you due attention, do you spring it on them when the bill comes as punishment?
Hope all is well..cheers.
During seduction I pay. Later we go dutch or I make no offer to pay or I get up and leave without paying leaving them with a decision to make.
When you go to the Drive-thru McDonalds in your black Anthracite Mercedes, do you say (while chucking the cardboard drinks holder over to your IPPS) “Fucking grab it quick you dumb bitch, I’m trying to drive”?
I don’t go to McDonalds.
Haha, this is exactly the answer my ex would have given.
And he always insisted on going Dutch, like – counting exactly down to every cent how much everyone had to pay, incl. tips.
When I one day counted my part out of my wallet in cash (to the cent), put it down on the table and left without a word, while he was busying himself with messaging other people he was planning to share his journey back home with, he came running after me then.
Oh, why did I ever go out with such a horrible person.
Have you ever had a lady give you oral sex whilst you were driving?
Often.
A decision to make? i.e. foot the bill or run for it?!
Correct.
I have had the experience where men would go dutch at the end of a first date. I always offer to pay my share, as a test of course, then those men become part of the refuse and no more dates are accorded. My 80 year old aunt taught me to immediately eliminate men who go dutch as a practice, especially on first dates.
She also taught me that men are better kept at knowing only what is below a woman’s waist and nothing above!
Ah and you call for equality yet disapply it when it suits.
The only stiffing ive had on a date is narcs stiffy in bed after ☺ if a date ever did that to me itd be the last date id ever go on with them.
Sniglet im the same way. Im old fashioned and it means something to me if the man pays and its not about money its about courting a woman. Maybe thats wrong but its how i feel. Maybe thats why i love older men they hold true to older beliefs in this regard.
I tend to agree with that. Unfortunately, I recognize I have some serious hangups on just traditional dating. I did not date in high school. My college boyfriend who I ended up marrying did not always work during school so basically I courted him. I paid on all our dates. I got treated by him for holidays or my birthday. When we got married, I was put in charge of the finances while he ran up lots of credit card debt for the first several years. He would hide credit card statements on me until he felt I was in a “good” mood to handle seeing it, or he’d call me at work with the balance so I couldn’t get mad there.
Needless to say post divorce, I feel really uncomfortable with the idea of meeting someone online and having them pay for anything, like I’m already indebted to them or they can expect something. Or worse, if I like them, if they pay I get too encouraged. So….no dating for Clarece. Lol
Hardly a decision for us, honest empaths that we are. I’d be too concerned that the waitress would have the money taken from her her tips for allowing us to leave. My ex was a dab hand at the back door boogie when it came to bill paying time. i used to rib him for it in front of the coterie, even knowing my attack would result in a payback tactic. I loathed the fact that they all saw him as being Captain Generosity when I knew he was tighter than a camel’s arse in a sandstorm.
I now insist on dutch from the first date – it’s become my day one deal breaker… slightest sniff of ‘oh no I’ve left my wallet in the glove box’ and I change my phone number. You’ve taught me well, HG 🙂
I am pleased to read that that is the case DJ.
Sniglet: I wish I would have had the advice of your aunt, before meeting my exnarc. 😉 Wise woman.
“Never ever tell them everything.”
HG, I won’t mind paying on a first date the day women earn the same for the same job as men do, they no longer face disadvantages in the job world, and prices for underwear, socks/stockings, cosmetics, and hair dresser, etc. are the same for men and women (i. e. for dressing up for the date).
But I’m afraid I would still expect a man to be gallant and generous and trying to impress me.
(Unless the man is demonstrating total equality and not expecting a woman to dress up, wear make-up, and naturally expects to stay at home himself in the case of having kids. But that kind of man actually offered cooking for me instead of taking me out anyways – without making any advances afterwards.).
You see, you expect equality but then pander to the inequality.
I never said I was an empath, let a lone a socialist empath.
Do you expect a woman to wear nice evening gear, and jewellry when asking her out and planning something nice (though I bet that your clothes, jewellry, cuff links and watch are 100 times more valuable/expensive than mine 😉 ), in a female way?
I did not make the inequality in outside circumstances nor the expectations from men. Just stating as it still is, unfortunately.
To me, it is more though to see if he is stingy or gallant on a first date. When I meet with a poor student, I still expect him to _offer_ to pay for a cup of coffee. And anyways: on a first date it was HIM who asked me out, therefore it would be twice as strange not to pay then …
Later I do offer to pay. But (speaking form experience) when a partner expects me to buy nice items for apparal, then I do question why I would spend _more_ money on romance than he does. *lol* I don’t know how to explain.
I do invite men out. When I want to and when they have shown themselves deserving. 😉
In business, male business partners naturally pay (business lunches, coffee, etc.), it would be insulting for me to insist on paying (I offer once, they decline) but I also have long term business relations where I do invite male business contacts. With a woman, it’s always dutch or it would get awkward.
However, while with other people and ex-boyfriends, we would usually alternate paying the bill, my ex-narc _never_ did offer, with the single exception when I had done something for him I had not wanted to initially and we made that deal.
***
Do you really vanish sometimes?! And then what – never see that person again?
If a guy pays on a date, he will make you feel as if you owe him something! This is a very unsettling feeling. The first time it happened, I only wanted to do him (not my narc) a favour, sort of, as men like to be providers. It upset me so much, I will never allow it to happen again.
What man has not received oral while driving a car that screams power.
They have always paid for dinner. Golden period to devaulation. Dutch? Now that word makes me shudder.
Hmmm he almost always paid, and we were together for four years. Is this unusual for a narc? Sometimes he let me pay (I offered it often) but he didn’t like it. I’d say he paid 9/10 times. Not only in restaurants, but for other stuff like tickets and hotels. Mind you, he stole money from my mum hahaha.
I’m not one of those who think a guy is a weirdo if he doesn’t pay on the first date (or any other date). In fact, I prefer to pay for my own stuff on a first date because otherwise the guy might think I owe him something. The last guy I dated paid for our drinks and then later on I insisted on paying for the next round, saying I’m no “gold-digger” or “drink-whore”. He found that funny. Anyway, we ended up having sex twice that night and then never saw each other again so I kind of wish I hadn’t paid for that second round *snort*
He stole money from your mum!!?? Maybe thats how he paid for everything 😂 just when ive seen the lowest of the low 🙄
Exactly Anonymous. Your time is valuable as well.
That’s for sure.