Evasion Tactics
You are not allowed to question us. To do so is an affront to our notion of superiority and lack of accountability. Your questioning of us may be deliberate, in that you want to know why we have rolled up half-drunk at 3am or it may be perceived by us as you questioning us in a critical fashion, even though you have not intended this, for example you politely ask us where we have been. We regard this as you suggesting to us that we are not allowed to do as we want and that we are somehow accountable to you.
If you engage in Deliberate Questioning, it is usually the case (until such time as you become fully acquainted with what we are and know how to approach dealing with us) that your methodology will be one that provides us with fuel, even though you are challenging us. You will ask in an annoyed fashion where we have been, or express irritation when you ask why we have not moved the rubbish outside. When there is Deliberate Questioning, we do not like you challenging us but because you do so at the same time as providing fuel, our fury is not ignited. Instead, we recognise your challenging behaviour and identify that this must be addressed and our superiority exerted but at the same time we also see that there is an opportunity for us to gain more fuel from.
You might think that since our fury has not been ignited that we could accept the fuel provided and admit that we are in the wrong, explain what has happened and allow the matter to be resolved. A normal person may do this and you, as an empathic individual, would say your piece and with the agreement and resolution being achieved, you will draw a line under it and move on. Such a scenario is no good to us. You have challenged us and whilst the fury has not been ignited we must still maintain our superiority and this means rejecting your challenge. This rejection also presents us with an opportunity to draw fuel from you, by denying your assertion and so forth. Thus we assert our superiority and gain fuel.
If you engage in Perceived Questioning this invariably ignites our fury because you will do it in a fuel-free manner so that the perceived criticism arising from your questioning wounds us, our fury ignites and we lash out in order to demand fuel to heal the wound caused by your criticism. You may have asked us a question but you did so without any agenda attached to it. We do not see it that way, your simple query of
“Oh, where have you been?” is interpreted by us as suggesting that we are not entitled to do what we want without your approval first. It is delivered without fuel and is critical, thus the wounding occurs and the ignition of fury occurs. We must strike back, once again in order to assert our superiority but also to gain fuel from you.
Accordingly, whether you raise questions of use in an emotional manner, whether you ask them in a straight-forward way, whether you are demanding we explain our selves or that your question is innocuous, you are always going to find that we respond in a manner which provokes an argument.
We do not want you questioning us, whether it is Deliberate or Perceived. You are not permitted by our rules to do so. Once you do, we must reject your challenge, assert our superiority and gain fuel (either because we see the opportunity to do so or because we have to heal the wound). What is the result of this? The deployment of evasion tactics.
This is why you are never able to have a reasonable discussion about something that is concerning you or why we fly off the handle after a seemingly innocent question you have asked us which you find both alarming and bewildering. This is why you find your concerns are not resolved, that you are pushed to a state of heightened emotion, confused, annoyed and frustrated as we point blank refuse to answer what you have asked us. These responses on our part are largely instinctive, a reaction to your challenging behaviour and the prospect/necessity of fuel. The Greater of course will delight in adding to these instinctive responses by layering them with further manipulation and game-playing.
So, what are these evasion tactics? There are many but below are eight which you will no doubt be familiar with. Now you know that these responses, hitherto unexplained and perplexing, are instinctive responses designed to counter your challenge to our superiority and to cater for our need for fuel. No longer will you scratch your head at why we do these things when you question us and instead you ought now to realise how you are only falling into a trap every time you try to engage us.
Why do you fall into this trap? It is because of your innate empathic traits which cause you to be drawn into our machinations through the evasion tactics. You fall for this because you continue to engage with us for the following reasons:-
- You need to secure the reality of what has happened. (The Truth Seeker).
- You want us to see your point of view. (The Need To Fix.)
- You want to be heard. (The Need to Be Honest To Yourself).
- You want resolution. (The Need To Be Decent).
These traits of your cause you to become entangled every time we deploy the Evasion Tactics, of which eight are now detailed.
- Drown You Out
We will talk over you, we will shout over you, we will hurl insults at you in a blitzkrieg response which is designed to result in the fact that since you can no longer be heard then you can no longer challenge us. Hearing is challenging, we do not want to hear you any longer and instead we shall draw fuel from your gestures and expressions as your blanketing response draws your frustration and anger.
2. Other People
We shift the topic of conversation on to other people in order to deflect from your attack against us. We will explain how a colleague works similarly late and never receives any flak from his spouse in order to make you appear unreasonable. We will triangulate you by explaining how a previous partner never made such a fuss about our spending habits. By comparing you to other people we engage in our classic act of triangulation, aiming to belittle you and cause you to talk about those other people rather than continuing your attack against us.
3. Delivery But Not Content
We will repeatedly interrupt you as we demand to be allowed to finish, we accuse you of not allowing us to speak our mind, we tell you that you are judging us before we have been able to state our case, we remind you not to interrupt us, not to raise your voice at us, demand you lower your voice or change your tone. None of this of course addresses the content of what you are wanting to discuss with us but instead we deflect by getting you to defend yourself by saying you are not interrupting, that you are not raising your voice and so forth. Your challenge becomes lost as you are caught up in these sideshows and all the while the emotion pours from you.
4. Early Resolution
This is a classic tactic of both the Lesser and the Mid-Ranger. The Lesser, lacking the articulate nature to continue the verbal sparring decides to call time on the “discussion” and thus end the attack. He will announce that the discussion is at an end and will sign off with one last act which will draw a sudden surge of fuel from you. He may push you and bellow that the matter is over, or possibly lash out with fists and spit in your face that he has enough of talking and your shocked and hurt response providing that jet of fuel that he requires and he then withdraws, satisfied he has asserted himself and has instinctively avoided any further wounding. The Mid-Range will declare
“There is nothing more to discuss.”
“I have made my point and that is the end of it.”
“This ends now.”
He will then withdraw and dole out a silent treatment, gaining fuel after the event and having protected himself, perhaps when he felt that the situation was slipping away from him, by withdrawing from the continuing challenge or criticism.
5. The Shift
We will turn the discussion onto something else completely. We may talk about some issue arising at work, point out that the exterior of the house needs a lick of paint or that we are thinking about buying a new car. You will try and shift the topic back to what you want to discuss but we will keep tugging it off topic again as we demonstrate our control over you and your emotional responses provide us with fuel.
6. The Outgunning
You think we have done something wrong? Luckily for us we know of plenty of other things which you have done (in our minds) that are far worse and therefore we will commence our own inquisition of you about your behaviour in order to demonstrate that you are the one who is in the wrong and should be subjected to questioning, not us. You feel the need to get to the truth of the matter and therefore you are derailed from advancing your questioning of us as you are forced into defending yourself.
7. How Could You?
How could you treat us in this manner after all that we have done for you/after the week we have had at work/knowing that our dog has just died/our football team lost the final. We will roll out one of the typical pity plays by pointing out that we have either done so much for you and this is the thanks that we get and/or you are a heartless cow who is kicking us when we are down. Either way, it prompts you to justify your approach and deflects from what you have been trying to discuss.
8. Pest
Why won’t you leave us alone? We just want a simple and quiet life (oh the hypocrisy) but you just wont let us will you. You have to keep pestering us with questions all of the bloody time, just shut up and leave us be. This is often used when you engage in Perceived Questioning as our abrupt response to you just asking “how are you” leaves you upset and bewildered.
29 thoughts on “Evasion Tactics”
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Anything i say harmlessly seems to wound my narsissist friend :/ Why dont u come out and say that u dont like it if something bothers you.
Because that would shift power to you and that cannot and must not happen.
HG? PLEASE (no pun or insult intended) My Demon is of the greater and he would initiate a senario of drawing out of me questions as if engaging in dialogue as people that are intimate do.The Greater as is your self, very complex, iI must ask (no I cannot help it )Do you as a GREATER Now find yoursel choosing sources of supply that are higher up the chain of fuel? R>E> by that i mean , Do you choose those that are strong enough to potentialy cause you to self destruct? Have you become somewhat bored by the base needs of the lessers and now enjoy fuel that could turn and bite you if you make the subtlest mistake in control?
I have never chosen poor IPPSs. Nobody would cause me to self destruct no matter how strong.
Way to trigger narc attack survivors. You and Mr Vaknin should keep your genius at describing yourselves to yourself.
I’m positive in the same way a soldier can handle his daily OL activity
after returning home, a survivor of narcissistic abuse can handle a trigger here and there for the sake of improved functioning.
If Vaknin and HG were silent, think of the negative consequences spreading through real lives.
Perhaps it is the genius bit that sets you off, hmm?
I really enjoyed this article.
Whenever I asked questions it used to cause so many arguments. He always thought I was accusing him of stuff.
I would find something out like a week after it happened and I would ask how come you never told me that. He would say “I forgot.” Or some girl would be waving at him calling his name trying to get his attention and I would ask who is that? He would accuse me of being jealous and insecure.
I wasn’t accusing. I was just asking a question. I am just curious.
Why not just tell me, so that I don’t have to pry the information out. So I don’t have to ask.
Then years later when I was asking 50 questions he said “you know what I just realized is you are the most curious person I know, this whole time I thought you were just trying to bust my balls, but now I realize it’s just who you are. You are just curious.”
Hi HG,
You’re right, I’ve been through all 8 of the above mentioned many, many times leaving me empty, frustrated, feeling guilty for asking, and never resolving the issue. My only question HG is does the UMRN know that if he answers the question there is no fuel-which of course is not true because we might get upset and provide fuel depending on his response; or is it just to irritate us for the hell of it?
I had never read this article-I love it! Thank you again!
What if I feel entitled to know and this is why I question? If you say do not question me then why can’t I say, don’t do stupid shit then I would not have to question. If you said how could you do that? I’d say uh the same way you do stuff to me. You say you want peace and quiet? I say if you’d stop complaining maybe we could have some. Okay so I’ve done something wrong? Well yes I have. What does that have to do with your mistakes? I watched these conversations for years. 2 Narcs head to head, that shit should be on pay-per-view. New marketing idea HG. You and Richard Grannon head to head on pay-per-view? That guy is definitely a narcissist….
Do expand.
Okay, I will.
The Richard Grannon is a Narcissist Checklist:
1. First Impression –
the words criminal, angry & con-artist came to my mind. Then smart, humorous, mouth, neck, shoulder….
2. High Somatic – he’s totally hot & I’d like to hear all of his street fight secrets….in bed.
3. His use of the word tendril, reminds me of you and any proxy for u, well.
4. The commanding demeanor, you need to do this this this. I immediately *sit pretty*
5. His eyes. Its always in the eyes. Yes please I’m a sucker for blue.
6. He knows everything. I love a great conversationalist.
7. I want him….he immediately tripped my wire and made me sit to attention.
Now I know that these traits don’t necessarily make him a full blown narcissist. I would put him higher up the scale. I do think he wants to advise people. I do think he is intelligent especially with NLP tactics and reading people. I think he seems fun and exciting. Some anxiousness and underlying brokenness. He seems melancholy sometimes. Especially his current videos, something is weighing on him. There is just something underneath him. Dual. Overall I would totally surrender to him. Now if my Narc-dar has been calibrated correctly by you HG, then just the fact that I want to be as near to him as possible puts him under narc-suspicion.
What do you think? Please tell.
#HG&ME&RG. Wouldn’t that be the ultimate? I love a triangle just as much as you do. Hmmm, maybe I’m the narcissist?
*hits narc-dar* is this thing on?
Sorry if I’ve brought this up before. I asked the Greater a question that needed yes or no, but I already knew it was a yes because it was about me. He brought something else up and I interrupted him which did not go over well. He jumped up and said “Then No!” For 15 minutes, he stared at me but I wouldn’t look at him. It was an awful night. I know he wanted an apology but I wouldn’t give it. I felt he owed me one for lying. At the time, I didn’t know I wasn’t allowed to question him. He seemed like a different person. It was a silent treatment for three months. I was busy finding out what he was all about on this blog. Half the time, I’m not sure he is a narcissist but the other half Im pretty sure. I read on Quora that the best way to find out is to ask someone if they are a narcissist. I don’t think I would ever ask anyone that question. When I saw him next he was all smiles and held out his arms to me but I think he has an idea that I’m not the same.
Thankyou . One question . Why do they do all these tactics with only one person . for eg … why treat your wife exactly the way you say in this article but then have a totally different persona with your secretaries ? I don’t understand how a person can not be consistent . I used to think a person was a person for eg if they had anger problems then they would have anger problems full stop but how can they have anger problems ( or whatever ) and be different people to different people ? surely there would be traces of their anger ( or whatever problem ) in every relationship they have ?
Aren’t ALL men like that?
No, only the ones we are attracted to, sadly. I have many male friends who aren’t like that, had guys who tried their hardest to date me and pretty sure they weren’t like that, but I found them boring. Plus, they weren’t as persistent as narcs. I think that for me, it’s that I never pursued a guy, aside from my first boyfriend when I was 16. I’m simply not that interested in having a relationship, I guess. I always ended up with those who wouldn’t leave me the hell alone. And that’s narcs. Although I’m not sure they were all narcs, the last one definitely was.
Well you’re correct. Only the type we’re attracted to. But I actually pursued “hard” the narc in my life (after he basically flaunted his good attributes like a peacock).
No.
During my first marriage which lasted 23 years,my ex husband would say if I ever mentioned that woman’s name again he’d leave me . I knew he was having an affair he denied and lied for decades , one of many affairs with co workers , and he’s best friends wife . My second narcissist partner if he didn’t like my questioning would put he’s hands over he’s ears and sing la la la ( how bizarre ) or turn the radio up to the highest volume in the car . I knew if he stopped taking he’s phone whilst with me there was things he didn’t want me to see . If I asked where’s your phone he’d say I’m with you , you are the only one I talk to , who else would call me . If I pressed the matter , he would then ask where is my phone ask to see my phone and proceed to look at all my texts , phone calls and emails as I’m hiding something . He would then usually pick out a phone call from my son or a text message and say what did the pig want . He’d proceed with he’s a waste of space I know you pay he’s rent , bills etc ( I don’t ). I would then spend my time defending my son or something that was just plain fictitious . I knew the game but I still engaged . Discarded by this clown in the most disgusting manner , hoovered textbook … 7 days no contact , blocked every avenue I physically am capable off .
Holy cow! It makes sense now why every conversation with my husband never ended well. Good God, HG, keep the info coming!!! You are helping sooooo much!
Brilliant! All 4 reasons to engage get me all the time being a Truth Seeker. During four years, I can replay examples of JN using all of those tactics on me in a rotation that would always throw me off kilter, especially if I deliberately ambushed him with questions and expecting one response but him going in another direction.
Interesting to me to find out that ending the convo early by saying something to the effect “this matter is resolved”, is really code for he’s wounded and backed in a corner and I really have the upper hand.
If you come back to the house after spending some time with another woman and the partner asks ‘how are you?’ or ‘did you have a good day?’
Is this going to raise fury because they are seen as trying to pry?
So when you return home straight from work with no hankypanky do the questions raise less fury?
Yes that can ignite fury because from your perspective the question is innocuous but from the narcissist’s perspective (given the paranoia that exists) these questions may well be regarded as prying thus challenging the narcissist’s notion of entitlement.
I guess if you give an alcoholic a hard time , every time they come home, because you assume they have been down the pub then they would get angry at being asked innocent questions
Guilt or shame doesn’t factor into the rage?
No guilt. Shame will be a factor at a deep-seated level, not embarrassment.
#8 … the midranger would say to me “you are a pesky little fly, go away”… Sometimes I do not want to even read these blogs because they resurrect hurtful feelings I have long buried
Ms brown,
I was so mad when I read it, that I have to wait till I am not mad, so I can reread it again because I was too pissed to absorb the info!
lol, K… Right?
Ms brown C*
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