A Dark Angel

 

a-dark-angel

 

I am regarded as a bad person. In fact, bad would be considered somewhat mild and I have been on the receiving end of epitaphs of “evil”, “satanic”, “malevolent” and “hell’s representative on earth”. None of those labels have bothered me in the slightest. Is that because they are true and I am content to acknowledge what my behaviour amounts to? Perhaps. The greater truth is that they were all delivered coated in emotion, dripping with fuel and the person hurling what they perceived as an insult at me was doing quite the contrary. They thought they were striking me down, belittling me and hurting me when they were just making me all the more powerful. But they were not to know this were they? Very, very few people actually understand why my kind behave as we do. Oh those who have the misfortune (their word) to entangle with my kind know all about our behaviours. They will sit you down and spend all day cataloguing every despicable deed, each aggressive act and all those malicious moments as if they were reading from a diary. That is how etched on people’s minds we become, how we infect their hearts and poison their souls. I know because I know what I do. I know because you show me how it affects you and you certainly do plenty of telling me (as well as anybody else who listens) because that is how embedded we become. We appear coruscating and shining and then we maim, cripple and injure. You know better than anybody else how it affects you but you rarely understand. How could you? You have no idea who you are dealing with. We do not appear with the letter N branded on our foreheads as a warning (although I suspect even if we did some people would still fall prey to us). You do not know what has wrapped its tendrils around you and you cannot be expected to know. It is not your fault although we will spend all of the devaluation and beyond telling you that it is. Those of our kind do think everything is your fault. They are programmed to think nothing else. I am worse. I know it is not your fault but the maintenance of blame is key to the upholding of control and the continuance of my dominance and therefore I will readily apply that which I know to be false in order to achieve what must be achieved. Again, you would not know this and whether you have become entangled with a Lesser, Mid-Range or Greater of our kind you become ensconced in trying to make us see, make us understand and achieve some kind of breakthrough. It is nigh on impossible. The Lesser is not programmed to accept it. You are trying to put a video cassette in a Blue-Ray player. It just will not operate. The Mid-Range must apply fault because he knows it provides him with a defence. The Greater of us understand what you are saying and know you are right but we will not accept it because we must remain superior.

Those you turn to for assistance do not understand either. Well-meaning family and friends struggle enormously to grasp what has happened. This is because they cannot comprehend someone can actually behave that way and it becomes easier to think you are the one with the problem, that you are over-tired, stressed (hell of course you are because we made you that way) and you are imagining things, mis-remembering and so forth. They do not want to become involved because that means trying to fathom it out and it is too hard. It also means shattering the façade we have created and it is so much easier to keep it intact and point to exhaustion/drink/drugs/hysteria and so on than grapple with understanding there is such a thing as a narcissist who love-bombs then abuses in the blink of an eye? Even those who do try to understand become jaded with the unrelenting news feed of abhorrent aberrations that you detail on a daily basis. Plus, people are ultimately too wrapped up in their own lives. Who would credit it? Selfishness from us and from them keeps you trapped.

Professionals offer some insight in varying degrees although few have actually experienced it and it is only those who have done so who can truly relate the full horror and the unrivalled brain-mashing, mindfuckery, soul-destroying rollercoaster ride of being entangled with us. Seeing is believing. The absence of truly experiencing what it means to be ensnared by us means that explanations fall victim to conjecture, theory and speculation.

This is where my good job arises. I am a bad man but I am doing a good, not a great job, by conveying to you why we do as we do, why we say as we say and allowing you to take on board this information and applying it as you see fit. This is not done as an altruistic act; such a concept is anathema to me. I have my own agenda and my own aims to achieve as a consequence of this sharing of knowledge. It also appeals to my malevolent outlook by empowering you, those who have suffered with our kind for so long, with the knowledge and tools to fight back. It entertains me to think that the provision of my information is causing consternation and mayhem amongst our kind as you, the empathic victims move on, fight back and progress. I owe my brethren no loyalty. It is one for one and damn the all. My methods are my methods are my methods. The useful consequence of my actions however is that finally you start to gain understanding. You realise what makes us tick. You finally realise that we operate to our own reality and our own logic. You realise how we see things and therefore it finally makes sense even though it does not make sense – if you see what I mean.

You grasp that it was an illusion. You understand it is lie upon lie upon lie. You realise why that was said, this was done and why it keeps on continuing. It still makes no sense to you from your perspective but then you begin to realise why to us it makes sense and that is why we do it. You understand that it is not about winning the battle but never fighting the battle to begin with because the odds are always in our favour. We make the rules, choose the rules, break the rules and remove the rules. It still takes time for it all to filter through and click into place but when it does – well, the effect is significant. The phrases you have heard so many times take on a new meaning. The actions which left you bewildered, hurt and confused now only hurt. You understand why we want you mired in emotion. It still takes you time to plough through that emotional sea but at least you now realise why you were thrown into it. Myths are dispelled, incorrect assumptions are crushed and you are given the very thing by which we operate and by which we succeed – cool, hard logic.

There is so much to convey to you. So much to detail from how we come into being, what we are trying to achieve, what we are seeking to keep at bay, why we keep doing what we do, why change doesn’t happen, why we choose you, why we never let go and so much more. All of it will be provided to you. It is brutal, it hurts and it is uncomfortable but then haven’t you had enough of the sugar-coated crap? Now it is time to swallow the harsh truth because that is what will ultimately set you free, that and your application of it to your own circumstances.

So, this is what I do. I write. I detail. I convey. I illuminate. You can keep seeing me as evil, bad and hellish. By all means, that is your choice, but I know you understand, at least most of you do, that this bad man is doing a good job. If you keep reading, keep asking and keep digesting, you will achieve your desired outcome.

All the errors, mistakes and failures you have committed and experienced can now be consigned to history as you embark on a different chapter towards your eventual freedom. No longer will you be hindered my misunderstanding, hampered by confusion and mired in the wrong answers. For too long you have been led up the garden path, taken in circles and made the wrong decisions based on erroneous understandings. That was because you didn’t have me. After all, it takes a wrong doer to show you that you are doing wrong.

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218 Comments

  1. Hi HG,
    When you write:
    For too long you have been led up the garden path, taken in circles and made the wrong decisions based on erroneous understandings. That was because you didn’t have me. After all, it takes a wrong doer to show you that you are doing wrong. For all the reasons which led you to write 44 books and all these illuminating articles I am thankful.
    Reading some of the comments above, is there a book which describes all the circumstances by which you ended up in therapy. I listened to a few in your interviews which Christine and also in the 3 Narcissist confession books but not fully. Just wondering if that has been published and if so where?
    Thanks again for all the help you have provided me and my fellow empaths. I know I would not be where I am today if not for you!
    Have a great Friday-Cheers :)

  2. He who has me is in therapy also. He has the therapist totally manipulated and revels in other peoples idea of him seeking to be the best in overcoming the PTSD that he claims from the war. He really pounds it into me that he is doing so much to change. I’m still not sure if he is a narc. or merely insecure and traumatized. I asked him what he thinks he could do to grow and improve, he replied he has expanded his work. I’m baffled. I’ve read that if they are asked that question and can’t answer its a sure sign. That answer didn’t give me a sign. Either way I shouldn’t be treated in the manner and control he has casted upon me, yet I bombard him with compliments and motivation and positive energy. He craves it. He wants to be spoiled, he stated. I do what he wants. I feel guilty when I think I hurt his feelings. He makes me angry, he is full of deception and neglect and denial and he knows how to convince that what he does is right. I know more than he thinks I do now. He recently showed what abuse he is capable of to me. Just so I’m aware of it, I believe. I’m learning. I want to be sure. HG, question: Why won’t he just do the discard instead of making me plot my escape? Wouldn’t it be easier to have him discard me?

      1. HG!
        Come over to the agnostic side, my dear! (I thought you were “Christian” or a believer)…..definitely not a belieber (thank goodness!).
        *evil laugh*

        1. I believe. I don’t believe. I am whatever I need to be. I am the one to be worshipped of course.

          1. *BTW, that was a Justin Beiber reference, not a misspelling of believer two messages up. I have nothing against believers (since I am agnostic)…just beliebers! LOL

  3. Great insights here. In many respects, you’re the Frank Abagnale of narc diversion. Thank you!

  4. We too have disproportionate logic like your kind. We too have agendas but they are just very different from yours. What serves me is being able to believe that some of it was real. I have an innate ability to hang on-e even when there’s not much worth hanging onto. I need to believe in some type of humanity in everyone-even during the obvious displays of inhumanity. What keeps my empathic traitts alive-my “fuel,” is being able to find them even in the most malicious of your kind.

  5. Brilliantly written-as usual of course. But I do get it and you have given me insight. Even as you write with honesty and regardless if it suits an agenda for you. It’s a hard pill to swallow. As you already know an empathy dissects others as well as your kind does. Unfortunately we focus on the goodness-even crumbs or morsels of so called “goodness.” It is in the same warped logic as you function-is how I function. To let go of my false beliefs are as difficult as it would be for you to change your ways. As you-it is my core-it is who I am and I how I was designed. I know the reality of the narcissist-I’ve been so entangled. The reality isn’t what I fail to see-it is the delusion that I’ve created that is so blinding.

    1. Carolovesteven
      That was very honest and refreshing to read. Yes, both sides can be pitbulls to fill their needs, its just easier for some to accept that theirs was done with pure intent towards love so it seems more palatable. Those people stay stuck until they realize there is a control issue on both sides.

    2. carolovesteven….every once in awhile someone here writes a perspective that resonates and is quite profound… i ♡ this.. cool user name as well

  6. I’ve been trying to understand why your mother initiated your treatment with the good doctors if she is a narc.
    seems to me a narc parent would do everything in their power to prevent a family member from getting help, which would allow the parent to continue exerting control and keep their abusive behaviour private. HG, please shed some light on this puzzling situation.

    1. Control. She has no intention of the therapy ever ending and thus is suits her agenda to appear to care but it is all about maintaining the facade and exerting control.There are other factors in play also.

      1. thank you for your response, HG, but it still doesn’t clear up the inconsistencies I mentioned.

        if your mother is a narc, she would have many other ways to exert control over you without risk of exposing her own wicked deeds. I can’t imagine any narc choosing therapy over more underhanded ways to achieve their nefarious goals.

        as a Mid-ranger, your mother should be no match for a Greater like yourself, yet she has somehow gained the upper hand. how did that happen?

        I also once accepted the Matrinarc label at face value, but as evidence to the contrary surfaced, it became increasingly clear that the label doesn’t hold up to cool, hard logic.

        1. Wrong. She recognises her control over me is slipping, hence that is why she played the ‘get him in to therapy’ card. It was done purely to exert control over me. My entering into therapy did not expose her – I already knew.

          How has she gained the upper hand? She has not at all. You are drawing conclusions without having read all the material I have produced about this. Do you know why I have entered therapy? Have you read about that? Are you aware of what I am doing by consenting to go along with it?

          In addition to the material that I have written, you are unaware of the Grand Design which is evidence that I am the one with the upper hand.

          MatriNarc looks to contact me regularly. I ignore many of her calls and choose to respond when it suits me.

      2. HG, you keep your cards pretty close to your chest, so I’m not privy to the details in your Grand Design, but I’m aware of its existance. I’ve read about the circumstances that led to your therapy, but am sure there are more details scattered throughout the comments.

        ignoring her calls and choosing to respond to your mother only when it suits you doesn’t sound like she has much control over you. if she wants to regain control, surely there are more effective techniques in the Devil’s Toolkit. like it or not, your mother’s behaviour just doesn’t make sense to me if she is a narc.

      3. You recently indicated that you would divulge how a Narcissist was created. I assume a Narc parent plays a role. I’m looking forward to reading your explanation! Will that be in an upcoming post?

      4. if I discover that your mother lacks a conscience, then I will know for sure that she is a narc. all nasty parents are not narcs, even though all narcs have a nasty side.

        I’ve taken your lesson to heart about narcs using words as weapons to distort reality for their own purpose. although most of your writings ring true, I would be foolish to take erything you write at face value. the work you do here is important, and I apreciate the opportunity to learn from you through your posts and by interacting with you.

  7. Where is the reply buttons? Okay I’m not that high, I know I’m replying but not every comment has a reply button…..has this always been the case? *laughing hysterically*

  8. My comment ” then part of you is a good man” was in reply to “I don’t abuse children” wanted to make that crystal clear, HG

    1. If you wish to regard it in that way Ms Brown, by all means. It is simply the case that I have no interest in children and have limited interaction with them as a whole.

      1. So none of your IPPS, IPSS, DLS targets etc., had children? Because if any of them did, though you don’t have an interest in said children, it did put you in their proximity where you could abuse but chose not too… an abuser can have limited interaction and still abuse… you do not abuse children…

        1. Yes some of them did. There are also children in the family. I don’t engage with children much – I don’t really understand them.

        2. If children are in the proximity it can still be considered abuse in that they feel and witness how their Mother/Father is treated. An indirect abuse but abuse all the same. Children feel evil even if they dont see it (for those who think they “hide” it).

          1. I do too. I am sensitive when it comes to kids. They feel the abuse by proxy through they parent that is attached to the narcissist. That infection spills. My friends that did not even know my ex well, they saw me change and felt the different. I am sure a child would too.

            The last ex of mine had a daughter. He didn’t physically or sexually abuse her, though he psychologically and emotionally did. His relapsed drinking bouts that she witnessed over the years before I came in the picture, the push-pulls and he taught her some of his tactics(lies, cheating on games), and triangulated her all the time. I miss her. I used to try to teach her about making decisions (she always deferred to her father’s wishes). She was a budding empath with some spark!

      2. HG:

        If having children furthered some goal – career, money, fuel – would you have them the same as you got married to further a goal?

        1. A very good question. I would find an alternative way to achieve the goal and avoid having children (which I have done previously).

          1. HG
            Re: having children
            Haha. I picture you scanning World Vision profiles to “parent”

          2. When you were engaged both times, during that golden period with them, did either fiance think they would start a family with you at that point leading to the marriage? Or is that one area you have always been straight forward that you absolutely do not want to have children?
            I’m just curious if you have used that as a manipulation dangling the potential for a future family when timing is right (future faking) then blindsighting and destroying that hope for them?

          3. Clarece aka Little Super Tanker

            You used an exclamation (and I suspect stamped your foot). You need to practice your fuel-free lol.

          4. Never NA!! Lolll
            I have such a surplus of fuel, I don’t mind if a little gets away for a good cause.
            I’m the Little Super Tanker who could (like the Little Engine that could from the children’s book)?

      3. I am really intrigued to know what and how you feel about children. I apologise if you have wrote in all these huge amounts of comments about your own child, or how you would feel about your own child? To read these many comments would probably confuse and bore- no disrespect!

      4. Yes, but there are predators specifically seeking them out exactly for their innocence and inability to fight them off and they are stuck soaking all that evil up like a sponge. You have no interest, therefore there is an internal threshold whether subconscious or not that you don’t cross.

      5. You wrote in one of your books that you had a vasectomy as a young adult because you knew you never wanted children, correct?

      6. That’s, of course, your choice. But did you tell your girlfriends prior to engagement, HG?

  9. HG and Indy,
    Firstly I really hope HG that you know I was not suggesting in any way that you abuse children.

    Indy, I was going in that direction. He, in a way, is a living legacy of her bad behavior. I wanted to know if he recognized this.
    He cannot continue the legacy of narcissistic abuse as he has remedied the situation. The thought/question was, isn’t he continuing her legacy in himself by replication? Does he see it stopped by cutting off the next generation and now does he wish to leave a legacy of novels and articles about weaponising empaths as a way of destroying her legacy and creating his own?

    Must be the solar eclipse making my self expression cloudy. That is a medicinal herb btw. I am a cardholder. *Chews gummy bear hand off*

    1. I know you are not suggesting that.

      I recognise now that I am as I am in part owing to her.

      The legacy I am creating includes, in part, the work here and more besides which will be detailed as it comes to fruition.

    2. Wish I was a card holder 😂 In my state I have to be dying in order to get a card. Which after my comment, I wish I had the excuse of some *foot in mouth

      1. You all lose me with this card holder stuff. As far as I know all things cannabis related are completely against the law here in KY. That’s why we just grow our own. It’s the number one cash crop in the state plus provides occupation to many state troopers (sheriffs of course just turn a blind eye).

        1. Windstorm and ABB,
          😂😂😂 Yeah, they are cracking down on The stuff in GA. Oddly though they just passed a law this year in GA allowing those with cancer(end stage), glaucoma, seizures, autism and end stage MS. I suppose I can’t say I’m related to someone with autism, bummer. Foot and mouth disease, 😂 Oh yes, come visit !! We will be smelling purty 😉

          Roasting Smores over the flames 🔥

          1. Hi Ms. Brown C*,

            I am so confused LOL…is “ease” another code like 420?
            Or is this a computer software thingy(Silicone valley reference)??
            I am old…LOL
            Laughing at work, Indy

          2. Haha. Snoop dogs Uber. Hes investing in Canada. Wondervif he’ll add that.

          3. Indy
            Its a weed delivery service is what i meant by his Uber lol. He was up here for real and reported to be looking to invest in some weed growing facilities he toured.

          4. It is EAZE, a start up company out of Silicon Valley… you can google it for more info… my kid lives there and is on the up & up with all the new technology and start up companies, before most ppl know about it…. it will be nation wide, in time, and deal with all pharmaceuticals… that is the goal. Right now it’s weed products & you can get an Rx with virtual consult for $29, never leave your home & products are delivered to you! The way of the future, for pharmaceutical “Amazon” type platform… ps they r hiring drivers right now in that area too, lol

          5. Sigh….California dreaming while living in a closed minded conservative state.

          6. lol… I have a picture of Snoop (Diggity) my Son and I together at Lollapalooza, 2003… he is like 7 ft tall, really laid back and down to earth. his whole family was there with him… please don’t ask “how” & “why”…. but its the truth

          7. Whoa, that’s cool 😎 haha… I won’t ask but we sound similar!!! 😉

          8. oops… first time I met him was 1997… I am really giving away my age here!

      2. I’ve got it, you have hand, foot, mouth disease. That’s enough for a card right there in Michigan. Ima have to come visit u Indy. I’ll bring essential oil for your brownie mix as I light fires on HG’S blog.

        1. The Silk Road? I am getting educated here. Wow.
          I just smoke occasionally (1-2 times a month), when in bad physical pain from fibromyalgia and autoimmune stuff. I saw what pain medicine did to an ex (he died from addiction) and ibuprofen and Tylenol are horrible on the stomach and liver. The dairy/gluten free diet is helping some. I cannot believe it got this bad this year after going through a narc relationship. Still healing my body, though my mind is doing a lot better. (No more anxiety or need for meds for it. No more foggy brain. I do have a startle response but I had that before this experience. I just need this pain to decrease. Trauma to the mind really does effect the body. I am still angry about this, as I used to be so much more active and an avid hiker etc. I guess I am healing if I am getting pissed instead of anxious and depressed LOL

          1. Indy, I have a lot of autoimmune problems too and had debilitating pain. Mine are psoriatic and more joint related. Cutting out nightshades was transformational for me. Almost no pain anymore. Tomatoes, potatoes, peppers and eggplant. Damn hard to do, they’re in so many foods. I had to give up gluten-free because potato flour is so often used in gluten-free foods, but that hasn’t bothered me any. Just a thought…

          2. Oh my, I have psoriasis too! I had to go on biologics and now my skin is nice and clear but my joints! ugh! I love potatoes and nightshades. Sigh….I should try that next.

          3. Indy, one week cold turkey. If it’s going to help, you’ll feel a difference in a week. But you have to cut them all out. Especially after you’ve been on it awhile. Just a little tomato or pepper in something and I’ll have pain again for 1-2 days.
            I don’t take any meds for mine. Pomegranate seed oil as a topical gets rid of/keeps away my skin probs. Need to apply it daily wherever you have issues.

            It is really obnoxious to stick to, but the difference in pain and mobility is just too awesome! Even for someone with no will power like me!!
            Good luck!

          4. Indy….wow do i “get” that! I suffer with chronic pain since prob 10 years old and a rheumatologist put a “name” and diagnosis to it when i was 35… FMS, just like you. I suffer from chronic pain until the last 6 months and went into what i call, self imposed isolation…. only a few ppl get in. Thank god/dess for the Inet as it is my 24/7 lifeline and this blog my reason to get up sometimes, lol. Physical pain level decreased significantly but the rest still hurts…
            I offer you the suggestions above as an alternative to get WHATEVER your heart desires. Silk Road is sic! (in a good way) otherwise I would up and move to Colorado or Cali! I love where my Son lives in Cali, but he also lives in Stuttgart also! I know you have mentioned you live in GA… I have passed through and spent time there twice per year for past 12 years… I particularly love to stay in Senoia at the Veranda with Rick and Lori! Beautiful southern charm at its best!

          5. Hi Ms Brown C *, Thank you :-) Wow, you had this since a youngster! I developed symptoms of all of it in my 30’s and would go through cycles. This year was the worst. I spend so much damn time in Epsom salt/lavender baths, massages, and shopping for foods that will not make it worse. I isolated more in the past year as well. I have a good friend that pushes me out though…a good thing!

            It is comforting knowing that others are going through this too. Sharing ways to get through it as well as just not being alone in it helps so much :-) I will check it out what you recommended. My sis lives in Cali and I see her once a year. She got a card so easily. I wish! I am not a stoner, just someone wanting to stop pain. If I get the giggles in the process, so be it (LOL).
            Where do you reside (state wise?) Yeah, I have FM, CFS, and psoriasis that I think has converted to arthritis type. I am hoping all the diet changes and occasional anti-inflammatory “herbs” help. I had to put one of my jobs on hold due to the pain and fatigue. I hate it that it came to that. I love being busy.

            Where are you from?

            Best,
            Indy

  10. HG,
    To secure your legacy is a statement that you have used in the past. Isn’t it really Matrinarc’s legacy if you continue to act like she did? Not trying to start the fire here, just wondered if you have a response to that.

      1. How so? I understand the no from a writing/entrepreneur standpoint, unless she’s a writer/entrepreneur, but from keeping the narcissistic traits in place by using them in an abusive manner towards others, is that not keeping her inheritance alive or maintaining her legacy of sorts? *playing with matches*?

          1. I know that. Aren’t you also carrying her legacy as well for the reasons I stated? Or do you not want to think of yourself as being like her?
            *puts kindling, wood, gasoline in pile, holds breath*

          2. I am not like her. I am superior to her. My legacy is not about the behaviours.

          3. What is it about then? Along these lines, I have a question I have wanted to ask…. clearly you are well off financially and don’t need the money/ proceeds you acquire from personal consults and the sales of your books, etc. Is the money generated from this going to a project or foundation you have in mind? One can’t help but wonder…. I understand and respect if you choose not to reply to this…

          4. Hi,

            I think I understand where ABB is going with this, if I may. I thing she is talking of the “passing on” of narcissism to others (generation to generation) by continuing to use what your mother had taught you as a child(abuse tactics). (I know you are more than your mother as you also have your own tactics too, HG, though just acknowledging the tendency of NPD to be passed down via abuse plus genetics). Am I in the correct direction, ABB?

            Now, that could potentially occur if HG was doing this to susceptible children. Adults would not become narcissists, but victims. Which, could also be looked at as multigenerational effects. HG, (if it is ok for me to ask) do you engage in your abuses with any children, such as those in your family, that would cause harm, to your knowledge? (if you do not wish to disclose, I understand).