One More Time

one-more-time

 

“I want you one more time.

This time I promise it will be the last time. I know that what I have done is wrong.

I was a fool and thought that I knew better. You see, I have always been in a hurry to get to wherever it is I am going. Sometimes I am not entirely sure but I do know that it is upwards, towards the top. I guess I just get so focused on that, that I forget about the things which really matter. Yes, I suppose that I took you for granted. It wasn’t always the case though was it? I gave you everything in the beginning because that was what I wanted to do. I wanted to please you and make you the happiest person in the world. I did as well didn’t I?

Then I lost my way. I think that perhaps you didn’t help, no, I am not going to do that. I am not going to blame you for my shortcomings. I have done that too many times. I have held you to account for my failings, blaming you for not helping me when I needed you there, castigating you for failing to understand me, ascertain my needs and give me what I needed. I realise that I have behaved selfishly. I tried not to. I did. I know it may not have seemed like that, but I was trying, it just becomes so hard at times, so difficult. But no. I am not going to pin the blame on you. I could. There are many things that I could point to. I might suggest you know how to needle me and that you deliberately set out to rile me. I might insinuate that you think more of your friends and your family than me and that was why I always caused a scene at get-togethers and stopped you seeing your friends as often as I did. I could infer that you lost interest in me even though I kept on doing what I did for us. I might raise the point that you seemed distracted, almost as if I was no longer good enough although we both know that isn’t the case don’t we? No, there are scores, if not hundreds of knives I could throw at you, each trying to wound you with my blame, but now is not the time for such an examination. We do not need to hold a post mortem about the things that have been said and done. I understand it was not your fault. I do.

So why did I do the things that I did? I have given this a lot of thought. When you left me, I was able to reflect on what had happened and admittedly at first I wanted to blame you for hurting me so. You do realise how much you have hurt me don’t you? I could not function without you. I was left weak, distraught and damaged. Your sudden disappearance was like some mortal wound to me, telling me that I wasn’t good enough for us, for you. Sometimes I wish that such things did not matter to me, but then if I thought like that, I would not care about us would I? I do care. I care so much about you and I that I want another chance. I want you again.

I want to show you how wonderful life can be again. We both know what we are capable of and even more so when our worlds collide. We have had some amazing times. I can tell you know that and you frequently remember them. I just want to have that with you again and for us to be done with all of the, well other stuff. I realise now how poisonous it was with the jealousy and the allegations, the accusations and the envy. It somehow infiltrated our relationship and little by little began to colour how we looked at one another. Sometimes I would sit and look at you and ask myself.

“How have we come to be so far apart?”

Little did I realise that even more distance would be put between us. I don’t like that. It scares me if I am honest. The thought of not being with you fills me with dread and I know I do not deserve your forgiveness but that is what I am asking for. Please forgive me because I did not know what I was doing. I was acting in the here and now, driven by the need to forge ahead and when I was taken in that moment I forgot the one person that means so much to me; you. I need to be given the opportunity to repair what you and I have. I know we belong together. We are inextricably linked. I told you that from day one, that it is written in the stars above and I still believe it to be the case. I must have that chance to prove to you that I can be all the things that you want me to be.

I am reconciled to the fact that I have to change. There is no hope for anything else is there? I must make those sacrifices in order to demonstrate to you that I am better than I used to be and I will do it, but I cannot do it alone. I need to be with you and only then will I have the strength to tackle that which needs to be tackled. I cannot do it alone. I have realised that. I need you by my side and I promise you that it will be worth it. It will be just as it used to be but this time only better. I will cherish you, adore you, protect you and love you like nobody else could. I know you better than anybody else. That is why we came together as we did, we are drawn together, two pieces of the whole which belong together. I know it was me that spoiled things and I did so for my own selfish and weak reasons. We do not need to go there again, there is nothing to be gained in rehearsing all of that once more. I know what I did and it was wrong. There, I have said it. Let us draw a line under that. Let us move forward and I will do anything and everything to respect you, support you and give you what you need and deserve. I love you and I always have. I love you and I always will. Please, allow me to prove to you that I am the man you believe me to be. I want you one more time, but this time it is the last time.”

 

 

An excellent rendition even if I say so myself with appropriate emphasis when required to drive home the message. I am impressed I remembered it so readily actually. Let’s hope she can’t remember it from last time.

0
Advertisements

28 thoughts on “One More Time”

  1. Greasy,sleazy, smarmy, slimy,scuzzy, gloppy. No way. That would have never functioned with me. He tried, noticed very fast, that that was the wrong way. But your kind always finds a way. If that does not work, let`s try another fabricated speech.

    0
  2. “How have we come to be so far apart?”

    Made me think of The Cure’s “Apart”. Everyone go to YouTube and listen to it. It’s actually really really good – especially for us. Thanks for reminding me of that song, HG.

    1+
  3. This is one massive utterance of sorry here, it must have blown your fury sky high? But, if she stays, goal attained, worth the grovel. Plus, it was largely a back handed sorry full of victim blaming.

    0
  4. How am I supposed to get used to beige when you write this statement:
    “We both know what we are capable of and even more so when our worlds collide. We have had some amazing times.” I am going to print out the disclaimer at the end and tape it onto my monitor, so I can remind myself that your kind are all scamps and just want our delectable empath fuel.

    1+
  5. Bastards, all of you. You all have the same playbook. Thanks for another punch in the gut reality check.

    1+
  6. Yes. I have used many of the words in there. At the time I said or wrote some of them I thought it was genuine. Did you?

    1+
  7. By the way………………………………………………………..I’ve been contacted weird coincidence………………..and………………………………….I………………..talked…………………to…………………..him…………………………for over two hours.
    Of course it was nice……shh…..how can it not be……I forgot all the pain…….which is bad….how can it be???
    I don’t know what I am doing………………not one clue………….I will see…….havn’t decided yet. He didn’t ask me anything other that how I was……..if I was doing well………if I was happy……………………(don’t know…am I?)………..I said yes………..I’m happy.
    I may be in a zero impact mode………………but………………………..for how long?…………………he said just one thing………………………..a sort of promise……………..understated…………….something I will know…….and how………………I liked it. It was a bait and my mouth is watering……….

    1+
    1. We’ll see. One thing for sure I will practice what I’ve learned here. It’s a test for me. I may pass or fail. If I fail it’s going to hurt.

      0
      1. I did decide NA. And my strategy is in place. I will not stray from my values and I will stay vigilant and put him back to his place if he gets too close.
        I want something from this. I didn’t enter any sphere of influence. He contacted me out of his own personal need to talk to me. Whether it was for fuel (man I hate that word) or curiosity I don’t know/don’t care.
        What I want is to keep him within the boudaries I have set for him. And save at least some respect for oneanother.
        When around me he shall be decent and respectful, or else.

        This is not a love song
        https://youtu.be/Az_GCJnXAI0

        0
      2. I can do this. I must be able to do this. I can’t be crippled by the thought of someone being able to control me at his wishes. That’s what this is about.

        0
  8. This is exactly the reason no contact is crucial!!! Some hoovers are better than others and this one is too good. Mind you theres only so many times you can hear the same spiel and not have it become a broken record. T
    My narcs hoovers are very similiar to this and vry very convincing! Hes reassuring, loving, apologetic but its all to draw me back in as a supply source. Its very confusing bc we do enjoy each ohers company but the npd ruins it. If i were to end things and be serious about it id go full np contact! Id make it so i would never see a hoover again. The sociopaths in particular are very good at being extrenely conniving and believable!!

    0
    1. The more i know my narc im certain hes a sociopath. I watch how easily he can change up personalities around different people like a chameleon. I have half wondered if he faked his sadness during his dad and sisters deaths. It seemed genuine but things he was able to do during this time has me wondering. Covert greater midrange sociopath would be my guess.

      0

Leave a Reply