A Stolen Love
Our victims have many things in common. Those shared traits are why they are chosen and why they become subjected to our incessant manipulations. The evidence of considerable empathic traits is of course one of the pre-requisites to gaining the attention of the narcissist. Exhibit a tendency to care, an ability to see another person’s point of view and a desire to help and you are issuing a neon-lit “Come and get me” to our kind. Your high-scoring on the empathic scale is naturally of considerable value to us. There is, however, another core principle that you all share which is irresistibly attractive to us. This is your devotion to love. You believe in love, you are advocates of the act of loving, you give love and (although not always) you want to be loved in return. Love is all you need, love conquers all and love is a many splendored thing. Love matters. You see that the world can and will be a better place if more love is exhibited. You love with a depth that is beyond many people. You truly give your all. Your love is perfect, selfless and based on a deep-seated notion that loving someone is the best and most wonderful thing one person can do for another. Such noble and laudable sentiments. Your status as a devotee to love means that you will strive to maintain that love once it has been gained. Love may give the appearance of having departed but you know, you believe, you always believe that it can be found and resurrected. That which has become dulled and blunted will be polished and returned to sharpness. That beautiful golden glow will shine again and you are the person to make it happen. You are the healer and the fixer. That which is broken shall be mended by the application of your burgeoning heart. You are a disciple of love and as such there is nothing you can do but act in accordance with the principles of loving. It is second nature to you. You are so full of love you must find ways of allowing it to manifest in the world and of course the pinnacle of doing so is to find that special someone. You want to find the one so that all of this marvellous love can find its true home. You are compelled to find your soul mate, your life partner and your best friend. Only then can your obligation to provide this amazing love be fulfilled and we thank you for being this way. On a daily basis we give thanks that you delicious and beautiful empathic individuals are committed to the promotion, promulgation and practice of love.
We come with the appearance of being that one special person who you can lay all your love upon. That person who will readily accept all of the love you have to offer and we will return it. Some of you would happily give this love in order to ensure there is an elated recipient and amazingly it would not matter to you whether that love was returned or not. Your sacrificial nature is stunning yet even more welcome. We are of course content to reflect your love in order to bring about yet more from you. We understand the transaction and we are happy to oblige because we are giving you absolutely nothing. We have come to take. We have descended on you ready to strip you of every ounce of love that you can provide. We will slurp it from you, nibble it from your straining frame and gulp it down as we devour your love. We will take it away from you time and time again. Do not be mistaken and think that you are providing this love based on a reality. You are doing so on a false premise. You have been conned into giving this love to us because we make you think we are the very thing you want when in reality we are anything but. We are fraudsters and we have come to take your love. If you knew what we truly were you would not offer your perfect love to us but we want it. We want it so much and we always take it. We make you unknown martyrs to the provision of love. We come without warning even though we appear with an explosion, all of it aimed to distract and misdirect so that we may pilfer your love. Our thieving knows no limits or bounds as we take what does not belong to us and use it for our own warped purposes. We keep on stealing your love until you are left spent and wretched, sat amidst the ruins of the relationship which once seemed impregnable and infinite and now is little more than ash streaked across blunted stone. We gorge on your love, gluttons that feed at the banqueting table as you slowly realise that the sumptuous love we appeared to return to you is in fact empty, a puff of air and without any substance. Yet this realisation comes far too late for by then the damage is done. Not only have we helped ourselves to all of your love we have, invariably ripped away and stolen your capacity for further love. Once you finally extricate yourself from our grip and eventually make sense of what has happened to you, even though it may take some considerable time, how often have your kind uttered the sentence,
“I do not think I will ever love any again, how can I after that?”
Words similar to such a question are regularly uttered by those who have been sucked into our malevolent maelstrom. We are the love thieves. We come and take the love to which we are not entitled but we are not done with that. Oh no. We rip out your heart in order to leave you so bereft that you can never love again. We steal your love. We are the love thieves of your past, your present and your future love.
75 thoughts on “A Stolen Love”
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Until just a year ago, I was getting ensnared by them, one after the other. Then it stopped about a year ago when I took a break from dating.
I am not sure whether HG will post this and I would appreciate feedback from all of you lovely people:) I was wondering has anyone here been able to have a healthy relationship after their Narc experience? How did you let go and trust? I have been seeing a very honest and decent person who I genuinely care about and who cares about myself and my family. But every time he speaks about getting serious , I get severely scared and start to over analyze, wondering if I’ve missed something about him. Anyone else gone through this? If so how did you get over your trust issues?if you allow this to go through HG, I thank u in advance:)
Hi Star~
I have not had a relationship with a normal person ever..my 3 major relationships have all been Narcissists..the only difference is I started with a lesser, married (which I will never do again) a mid range, and am now trying to get over a greater who just about drove me over the edge…That doesn’t mean to say that I could never have a normal relationship since I am arming myself with knowlege and learning about who I’m attracted to.
H.G. has some great articles on flushing out a Narcissist.
Exposure – 5 Ways To Flush Out the Narcissist
Exposed – 5 Further Tips To Flush Out the Narcissist
They are very informative ♡♡♡
Try these and let us know how it goes!
Jody,Thank you so much for your reply and suggestive readings. It sounds as though you have been through so many life experiences:( I wish you the best in your healing. You sound like a very caring and very strong individual:)
So I know you can’t love your fuel, but you can enjoy them and even have favorites. Right?
set up to fail before it even begins, all for fuel and residual benefits…
But there’s nothing she could have done to NOT let you down – is that correct, HG? Even if she gave up her sense of self entirely and always let you have your way, always conceded to your demands, you would have gotten bored with her?
You are correct.
That’s what he has said often when I’m Not doing things as he sees fit. He will say I let him down when it counts once again or I have fallen from grace.
I keep telling my self I will not read anymore about this but I keep coming back. It’s like two half’s of me is at war with each other. I know what he is yet I so desperately want things back the way they was.
God I need a drink and I don’t drink.
Hi HG. I would like to follow up on a Tonya’s question if I may. What was the longest time you stayed with an IPPS? Thanks 😎
4 years
Can you clarify – On 9/15/15, for the article “Why am I Doing This” you answered a reader that your longest relationship was 7 years.
You have previously mentioned being married to your ex-wife for 4 years. Was this her counting the time for dating and being engaged for the full 7?
Victoria’s question referred to an IPPS – that is 4 years. The questioner in 2015 was referring to a romantic relationship (which would include IPPS and/or IPSS) – that is 7 years.
Got it! Thank you!
Pleasure.
7 years is quite the time stretch for you. Since you imply this was a secondary romantic source, is it still ongoing now in the 7th year? Or is it past? Also is there something particularly special about the tenacity or fuel from this source that has kept you engaged for so long?
The formal relationship is in the past. As you know, the narcissistic relationship is ongoing. It was a combination of fuel and residual benefits.
Thank you H G. She must’ve been a very special lady to keep you interested for four years.
I evidently thought so at the time. She let me down of course. Just like the others.
When you say it varies for other kinds, can you elaborate? Do midrangers and lesser have a shorter golden period?
No they do not have shorter golden periods as a rule.
Lessers provide “bronze” period… they don’t do golden
What’s the difference between golden and bronze ?
HG this is going to sound crazy. I t here goes any way. I wish deeply wish things were the way they was in the beginning and I don’t know how to get him and me back to that. I know what he is and it confuses me greatly. But try telling that to my heart some days I feel like I can’t breath without him. And now I’m having to learn that he is a narcissist and what all that means.
Golden Periods come from Greater and Mid Range narcissists and are exciting, shiny, amazing and wonderful.
Bronze Periods come from Lessers (usually) and don’t have the ‘wow’ factor of the Golden, but instead, this is where the Lesser keeps the dark side under wraps and the effort in doing so means he or she is pleasant with you but not amazing.
You are bound to feel like that. It is meant to make you feel that way so you remain trapped and pumping out fuel, susceptible to hoovers and under our control. The beginning was an illusion. You cannot get it back, only the narcissist can and if he does (and that is never guaranteed) remember – it is an illusion.
Then he was either s greater or mid.
The question is how do I get him to want it the way it was.
You cannot.
Love is just not enough for me. After taking careful account of my past relationships I discovered that without fail within 18 to 24 months the lust and lofty passion dissipates like a fast burning flame. I truly hope that the man better have more than just love for me to make it work past the 2 year mark. They never do, I get bored easily and the seed of breaking up
starts to germinate. There is an idea I have about love, and it never manifests itself the way I want it to be.
HG, do you find that 18 to 24 months is a marker of your loss of interest for your partner as an average or is it earlier/later than that timeframe?
Hello Sniglet, the golden period for me tends to be 8-16 months, rarely less, sometimes longer. It varies with others of our kind.
HG I’m kind of surprised that someone can keep you entertained for that long that is nice to know. Just curious has anyone kept your interest for longer than 18 months?
Yes they have.
Just curious, what was the longest Golden period HG ?
Of my appliances? All of them?
I mean what was the longest time frame you keep one of my kind.
Do you mean me personally or narcissists as a whole? And by you, do you me an empath who is an IPPS?
I’m scared I might already know the answer to this but I’m going to ask it anyway. Is it possible for a narcissist to come to love the person they use as fuel ? The ones they have been feeding off of for years .
No.
I mean you personally and yes me.
Around 2.5 years.
What was the price to pay for 2.5 years of Golden Period??
One fresh soul.
lol lol lol!
HG I had not read your comment yet and my thoughts was ” my soul “.
How long was the bad phase?
Btw he puts ALL the blame on me says he tried to set my thinking right but I’m to stupid and stubborn to see reason.
@ C I don’t see where it’s funny. HG is being honest and that’s basically what happens , narcissist get a fresh soul . Before I meet mine , I thought & did for my self. Raised my child all on my own while I went to college and worked many jobs without help from anyone. and now I can’t breath right without him. I go into panic attacks sometimes when he gets mad at me. Now that he is very upset with me I worry what my punishment will be when I do get home since I didn’t do what he asked in the time frame he gave me. Yet still know what I know now I still love him and want things back the way the once was. I second guess my self daily. If HG lived close by me I would be at his door daily so frazles asking why every few minutes that he would call for the paddy wagon. Because I’m so confused and at odds with my self at the moment. So yes they do get a fresh raw soul
I am LOLing at HG’s sense of humor…. the more you “know” him, the more you will glimpse it… not laughing at you or your situation. It helps to keep a sense of humor…
I don’t understand. You speak of love. You understand it’s importance and you take it as your fuel, positive or negative. If you understand this is a basic human need why can you not engage on a permanent basis if someone provides you with permanent (challenging) love. Don’t give me the crap about getting tired of strawberry ice cream over and over. Why do you not want constant permanent fuel? Because they know the truth and you run? Run from what? What if they know the truth and they stay? Is that too intimidating? Too supportive? Too challenging? Are they possibly too clever yet willing to tough it out as a challenge to them and the relationship?
I do engage with people for a significant amount of time where there love is challenging but then something shinier and more effective is also in place, because of the need for contrast and therefore the become the new salvation and the old IPPS is dropped. That and because the strawberry ice cream has become stale and this mint choice chop variety is fresh and interesting – it is a fact, not “crap”.
I do want constant fuel, I needs that, but it comes from different sources.
No, they do not know the truth, they never do.
If they know the truth and they stay – I would not find that intimidating but it does not mean that the outcome will not be the same.
I find it interesting that you use ice cream as an example, especially since His two favorite ice creams were Haagen-Dazs Strawberry and Mint Chip…No matter where I go, there He is..I hope this goes away.
Meeting another narc doesn’t worry me really. One suspect was on St. Patrick’s Day at an Irish pub and told me he was only there to pick up food for his dying wife but he kept ordering beers. I pretended sympathy for a minute. I suspect all men now. Lol I don’t plan on meeting a nice guy at a bar anyway. A friend and I in our green stopped there after a party. It’s never been my scene. Smokers and heavy drinkers disgust me. I can’t count on church either to meet a truth teller which is sad.
I see many things with this
First and foremost as always your writings are brilliant and insightful HG, On both sides of the spectrum. Your accuracy to details on people amazes me even after being here for awhile.
You steal that what was stolen from you.
Thank you.
Hi HG,
Is it your aim when discarding us that we never find love again? What I mean is was that a forethought throughout the relationship-“If I don’t want her then I will make sure no one does”
I love this article! Superb 🙂
Correct and then of course we hoover you later and want you to love us again. Of course you are never allowed to love another.
Thank you kind sir for your prompt response. I am so excited about reaching 5 million and I predict that way before Christmas we will be at 10 million I am spreading the news to everyone that I know that has been involved with a narcissist to read your bags and go to your website. I am forever grateful for the valuable information that you give us every day and I am a great supporter. Thank you again for all that you do every day.
Just so long as they read my books Victoria and not my bags, all will be well!
LoL. So sorry about my typo HG when I verbally speak into my phone it doesn’t always come out like I planned but I think you know what I meant you have a great sense of humor! You are really funny sometimes love it thank you
Basically he or she is saying ” I don’t want you but no one else can have you” ??? Is that right? Is that what he is doing ???
Correct.
HG, here lately I have been second guessing my self thinking maybe I’m wrong and he isn’t a narcissist , that I’m the reason he went silent that our relationship going down hill is completely my fault. That I judged him unfairly. Am I going crazy?
No, but you will feel like you are because that is what happens when you are entangled with our kind. This is your emotional thinking seeking to swamp you and con you. Fight back with logic, keep reading.
Is he one ? Or is there something wrong with me , is he right and I destroyed our relationship.
If he is a narcissist then he will blame-shift and project by saying you destroyed the relationship.
Wasnt it you that said we should try and see it from your perspective HG?
Hmmm, I think we do now. 😉
The stillness of the numbness without love, real or an illusion, is purgatory on Earth.
It’s so true. Even though I see him for what he is now and realized (upon hearing his voice after a year) that he truly repulses me, I don’t think I’ll gamble on love again. When I think about it all I can think is “God, I’m so tired”. I’m so tired of trying and thinking and staying ahead of the game. Wondering if I’m being played and knowing how easily I fall into the narc trap. I’m just tired.
Asshole that did this to me. Faking incessant and ridiculous love and then turning it all into a freak show once I was stuck deep into the relationship. I used to think my narc had a deep capacity to love and it was what drew me to him. It was all fake. All designed to suck me in and now I realise the narc has absolutely no capacity to love.
H.G.
I would like to ask if you and your kind view your victims as “stupid”?
During seduction – no. During devaluation – yes.
Jody mine will call me stupid and incompetent about 4 to 5 times a day when he is mad at me.
Tonya, I hope you don’t believe his nonsense…it is so sad to me that another person undermines another person to make themselves feel good and to destroy someone else’s self esteem…When he says these things just know that he is talking about himself.
Jody yes and no. Sometimes I do believe him. I have been with him for five years. I just recently found out what he is but still part of me thinks he does love me and want me if he didn’t how could he say all those beautiful feelings for me if he didn’t love me . only love could say all he has said to me in the beginning right? Or am I wrong HG?
Jody see I have e put everything in him. My faith love loyalty trust. When I say everything I mean everything. Given heart mind and body over that’s why his harsh words cuts so deep and confuses me so much too. When he knows all this yet still lashes out at me.
I’m sorry Tonya 🙁 ~
You, Me and Everyone in here (excluding H G. and perhaps the occasional troll) have the same tragic story. We all share the same hope that if we did better, changed even more, gave more, loved more- then this person would wake up and realize that he love us and cannot live without us.. Im sorry, but it’s not true.
Even now, when you read the comments from the sisterhood in here, that are similar to your own situation- but not exactly the same- do you use those little differences to tell yourself that there is hope for your relationship? I ask that, because in my own denial I was trying to spin it, and say that my relationship was different from theirs and could be saved.
Years only matter to someone like you, me (mine was 5 years,also), and everyone else in here, because they are milestones of the fake progress that we have made in a relationship that was and is only make believe. In a true relationship those years would be celebrated and valued and your progress together would be real and without the burden of the relationship solely on your shoulders.
Those beautiful things he sometimes says and does for you are tricks…but they mirror the truly beautiful person that you are.
You just described me completely. I am a helper and giver. I’m always wanting to help others anyway I can at work and in my life out side of work. I believe in love and that the world needs more love in it. I’m a very passive person.