No! You Are The Narcissist – Part One
The issue about the state of awareness of our kind is a central piece of the puzzle. Victims struggle with the proposition that someone behaves in such a way as we do yet does not see what they are doing. How can he not realise what he is doing? How can he not see that he is wrong? How can he not accept that I am right, I have the evidence in my hands? How can he not grasp that it is him and not me that is causing the problems? How can he not recognise that he is being selfish, hurtful or abusive? How can someone not know that they are behaving in this manner? I daresay you have said one or more of those questions at some point. Our awareness of what we are also dovetails with your awareness of what we are. As I have pointed out previously, next to nobody spots our kind when we first entangle with you. Even if you have been ensnared by one of our kind already, you stand a good chance of being ensnared a second time. Often the realisation as to what has happened to you may not take place for many years after the event or once the discard has taken place. You may realise that you have been entangled by a narcissist during the devaluation or more likely when we return looking to effect a post-discard/escape hoover. Almost without exception, once you have realised who you have become entangled with you have the overwhelming desire to tell us that you know what we are. It is a moment of triumph surely? You have been advised by an outside influence and/or you have read extensively and so many of our behaviours match with that of the narcissist. You have had your “aha” moment and whilst your head may still be swimming from the experience, your heart pulled all over the place and so many questions remained unanswered, you now know what we are. You have the knowledge and you are going to unmask us by telling us straight that you know and you are going to tell us direct what we are. It is time for you to strike a long overdue blow back at us. Thus, armed with this knowledge, what can you expect to happen? As you would expect, the response of the narcissist depends on which type you have become involved with. Let us begin with the Lesser Narcissist.
The Lesser does not know what he is. He acts through instinct, reaction and knee-jerk responses. If you tell a Lesser that he is a narcissist, chances are he may not even understand what you mean. If you have expressed this knowledge in a fuel free fashion, if he does not understand what one is you would most likely be met with the ignition of his fury and comments such as
“Why are using fancy words all of a sudden?”
“What are you using dictionary words for? Are you trying to make out that you are better than me?”
His inability to understand what you mean will be perceived by him as a criticism of him. He will feel wounded and thus his fury will be ignited. Lacking much in the way of control he will lash out at you as he instinctively seeks fuel for the purpose of healing his wound. He does not know that this is what is happening, nor does he understand his reaction, but this is what will happen. If you happen to have gained your awareness from a book and you use that to justify the label expect that book to be torn in half or thrown on a fire as knee-jerk response.
If the Lesser has some understanding of what a narcissist is, he will again only see it as criticism. Like many he will consider the label to only mean that he loves himself. You can expect responses such as: –
“Are you saying I love myself? Huh, guess I have to because you don’t anymore do you?”
“I love myself. You have some cheek. Have you seen the way you go on, preening yourself and swanning around?”
The Lesser will immediately deflect this perceived criticism by turning the position around and engaging in blame-shifting against you. He will seize on any evidence to hand which shows that you are the self-love and not him. If you have recently bought some new clothing, you can expect that to be brought up and you challenged for your spending habits. Said clothing is likely to be ripped or thrown away. If you have a range of potions and lotions which you use as part of your beauty regime, they will be seized on as evidence that you love yourself. They will be thrown around the room as the fury ignites, poured down the sink or smashed up.
The Lesser will not and cannot accept that he is a narcissist. He does not know what he is and therefore has no awareness. If you attempt to “educate him” by explaining the various traits and behaviours of narcissism and link it to the way he behaves, if you do this in a neutral fashion you will be heaping more criticism on him. Every point you made will be met with deflection and denial.
If you say,
“Look, I am just trying to get you to see that when you go out and disappear drinking before coming home and demanding sex, you are not showing any thought for me and ignoring my boundaries, that is the behaviour of a narcissist.”
You will be met with,
“Oh so now I am not allowed to go out drinking am I?”
“I don’t demand sex, you never give me any as it is and anyway you should, what’s got into you these days? Getting it somewhere else are we?”
“Boundaries? Narcissist? Who has been filling you head with this shit? I bet it was Lucy wasn’t it, she has never liked me.”
As the ignited fury erupts you will witness the paranoia, blame-shifting, denial, projection and deflection as the Lesser avoids discussing the issue. It does not register with him at all. No matter how obvious it may seem to you, he cannot grasp that he can be at any fault. It may be plain as day to you, the narcissistic behaviour matches exactly with what he does, but for all your explaining he will not accept it. Firstly, he will not do so because he does not know what he is, therefore he lacks the capacity to accept it. Secondly, even if he could he will not because of the defence mechanism that we have, namely that we are not accountable.
The denial and deflection will continue until you show signs of exasperation, upset or anger. When this fuel appears, this will assist the Lesser in healing the wounds he has and therefore he will, instinctively, be looking to push you to providing him with fuel through his responses. If your questioning persists and is done in a neutral manner, he will be forced to lash out (of course you will be blamed for his) which will result in verbal violence, destruction of property and physical violence as well. The Lesser’s paranoia will convince him that you are trying to catch him out in a way which he does not understand (nor can he) and all he knows is that he feels a sense of considerable discomfort. He does not know that this is caused by the failure to provide fuel and the wounding caused by your repeated criticisms. He will instinctively need to protect himself and this means getting fuel. He needs to head off your “oh so clever” comments – hence the denial and deflection, but he cannot control the ignited fury which ignites in order to seek the necessary fuel.
If you persist with pointing out what he is and there is no fuel provision he will evade you as he goes in search of fuel from someone else and in order to get away from the source of his annoyance.
A Lesser is unlikely to accuse you of being a narcissist because he has no real understanding of what you are referring to. What he will do however is throw back at you the constituent parts which you identify as narcissistic behaviours, at you. This is to defend himself from the criticism attached with this. This is to defend himself because he cannot be accountable for any kind of failure or weakness. This is done as a reaction to try and cause you to react to these allegations so you give fuel. You end up justifying that you are not the narcissist, thus he is (through instinct rather than calculated design) able to halt the wounding attack from you and gain fuel into the bargain as you protect about how you do not love yourself, that you care about him and other people, that you recognise boundaries and so forth.
You will never ever convince a Lesser Narcissist that he is one. He just cannot comprehend it. That is why although his behaviours match those of our kind, he cannot see it. He no insight whatsoever. All you will do is cause him to defend himself, have his fury ignited and ultimately cause him to lash out at you. Do not waste your time trying to convince him. You will not. If you want to wound him, tell him, but then withdraw otherwise you will find yourself on the receiving end of some savage ignited fury.
26 thoughts on “No! You Are The Narcissist – Part One”
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The Lesser narcs’ reactions made me laugh. 😀 Narcissistic though they may be, at least my dad and brother aren’t stupid like this.
I’ll be looking forward to the post on mid-range and greater narcissists’ reactions. 🙂
AVA101, I do not know what you just think about me. I really wanted to provoke at the other topic, but not up to this degree. It is out of control now. I am sorry for that. And I am sorry, that I do not defend C right now. I will apologise later. I cannot do it now, because then I would ignite the fury again. I do not know how to react the right way to stop it. I am baffled. I thought the struggle would end earlier. If you have followed the whole conversation, you can realise how easily some people react on a slight criticism (not my criticism that was very harsh and consciously done, as if I felt superior). I wanted to test, whether HGs theory about people is right or wrong. It is right. Please read his last paragraph again. And I am really surprised that people do not realise the attacks of other people and how easily they accept the opinion of people, when people mention their high education and use that for their purpose. And she does. I am aware of some narcissistic traits, that I own. I know I am able to be very mean, but normally I do not. I apologise to you too, HG. That was not my intention! I underestimated my comment.
Mona, I don’t think much other than you are speaking your mind. I wasn’t referring to you, you are not a narc.
HG, why do you think that narcs find their way to your blog when they don’t know what they are? Why should they then be interested in that topic? Also, there were one or two who kind of docked on to you, who gave me the impression that they felt superior that way. But why do other narcs come here when they haven’t been a victim but also don’t accept that they might be one?
Very simple.
Greaters would not come here. There is no point.
Lessers might do so purely for the purpose of looking to lash out at people to get reactions.
The ones who are most likely to do so are Mid Range. Why? Because they usually regard themselves as the good person and that they are the victim – they will see the true victim as the abuser because that is the way their perspective works. Therefore they will come seeking answers because they believe the other person was a narcissist and that they are the victim.
No, no, nooo!!!
I’m sure you’re right, but this is something that just doesn’t compute in my mind.
🙁
The bad narcs who came here and were obvious were lessers? Oh.
Can a narc get PTSD? They can’t have any reason or “symptoms” to believe that they are the victim?!
By the way, I had been meaning to ask you:
are you highly sensitive to noise (or certain kinds of noises), light, smells, etc.?
There have been both Lesser and Mid-Range here.
A narcissist could have PTSD. Indeed, I understand there are those who suggest that narcissism is a form of PTSD.
Of course a narcissist can believe they are the victim without symptoms as you suggest.
“You never do anything I want.” for example. Now, this might be because much of what the narcissist demands would be viewed as unreasonable by a non-narcissist, but not so by the narcissist. The true victim resists and tries not to comply, thus frustrating the narcissist, he therefore considers the other person to be intransigent, unloving, unhelpful and therefore they are the victim of that behaviour. They may not suffer anxiety (for example) but they will still regard themselves as the victim in the dynamic. There is a victim mentality applicable to all narcissists – for instance, I am the victim of my IPPss malfunctioning – and not only does this mentality manifest repeatedly it also does so with some of our kind as a self-defence mechanism.
Thank you. I will have to think about this a little.
I think so, too: that most of you have C-PTSD from earliest childhood on, that you have suffered most traumatic experiences and rewired your brains therefore.
You don’t think so?
Hence my question if you are highly sensitive to sounds, etc.
My ex-narc is. My father was. I am, too.
But I meant if a narc could suffer acute symptoms triggered by a relationship.
Thank you for a new word, “intransigent”. We have actually only the opposite word in my language. ;D
“Unloving” … oh, well.
Well, thank you for describing this, I will try to get my head to follow this narc-logic. 🙂
Victims:
I remember my mother bitching around with my sisters, while I could easily overhear them from my room (the broom closet, literally), about how hurtful my words to her had been that day, and how I would never consider the feelings of my mother. I was about 8 maybe! I was defending myself against her words and actions! They knew I could hear them …
Yes, you are right, that makes no sense to tell someone about it. But sometimes it makes fun to devil someone. I did it on purpose. I only wanted to see a long monologue. Sometimes I want to provoke the fury. A little sadistic trait, which I own. And I am aware of it. These people show what they are. They have a lack of impulse control.
Thanks, that was great fun. But I was surprised that the others were a little bit unsure or changed their minds or even did not realise it.
What I want to know is my narcisist boyfriend says the most VILE , INSULTIVE, CRUEL things about me when we get in an argument. Does he actually mean what he’s saying? Does he actually believe these untruths or is he just trying to be cruel at that moment?
He believes them in that moment and it is done to provoke.
HG,
Do your kind believe everything in the moment (i.e. when you are future faking) or do you know you are future faking when you are doing it?
The comment will be made as a matter of instinct for the most part and therefore it is more a case of meaning the manipulation as opposed to meaning what you hear.
Thank you for the answer.
You are welcome.
Still not sure what class he is. He’s intelligent, but has always under achieved, is full of anxiety and paranoia, and has no real friends. He pisses everyone off.
I told him he was a narcissist and then blocked him. He immediately hid his dating profile… possibly to let me think he’s found someone else, or maybe he’s cowering in his cave. He always point blank refused to come off the dating site as he was only looking for friends and accused me of being insecure.
HG – I’d be interested what you make of his quiet disappearance.
On the basis he is a narcissist (I cannot say for sure based on a snapshot but I will accept your view given you have experienced the situation and obviously read up and evaluated thereafter) his quiet disappearance is indicative of him being wounded by your comment and then your escape and blocking him. He will be looking elsewhere, smearing you no doubt and wary of you, but over time he will come hoovering, albeit tentatively.
Thanks HG. Those were my thoughts too, although I would be very surprised if he tried to hoover me again now he knows I know…assuming I’m correct that he’s a narc. Everything I’ve researched suggests he’s a covert cerebral…lesser/middle. But he may just be an asexual, angry, selfish, lying manipulator with more hangups than a wardrobe.
Your last sentence would be just as applicable to some of our kind!
Wow, just wow.
Sounds about right. Two years ago when I started connecting the dots and confronted JN about what I thought he was, I got back that it was “laughable how I was regurgitating dime store psychology 101.” Complete deflection. That went no where fast. Lol
How does a greater narcissist respond?
Wait for Part Three.
So true, right on!