Derailed
It hurts doesn’t it, when you see we have moved on with indecent haste and entered a new relationship. In the fullness of time you may look back and be thankful that we had turned to someone other than you, but at the moment of knowing that we are with somebody else so soon after discarding you (and even when you escape us it still stings – did you not matter at all?) it hurts you. Of course it does. You invested so much in the concept of us and then we did our level best to warp, batter, twist, burn and destroy what was built. Notwithstanding what has happened, it remains the case that you look on with a mixture of pain and astonishment at how soon we have managed to find somebody else and more to the point, how readily we flaunt this state of affairs through our repeated updates and relationship bulletins.
You should not be surprised at this development however once you begin to understand how we operate. Where you have been discarded, your replacement was already lined-up. We were spending time with your replacement, commencing the triangulation, sowing the seeds of your (invented) psychotic behaviour to them and seducing them ready to switch from you to them as easily as flicking a switch. To us this transition is normal and necessary. To you it offends your sense of honesty and decency. If you managed to escape us before we had found or embedded the replacement primary source you force us to locate and/or embed with urgency. We have been denied our primary source of fuel and need to put in place a new one straight away. The choice may not be perfect (hence why you may be wondering why on earth we are with that person) but be with someone we must and of course we want you to know. There is fuel to still be had from you and misery to unleash against you.
Yet, what is the situation should the shoe be on the other foot? How do we react when we become aware that you have chosen another intimate partner? What is our response?
Often this does not happen for some time. The reasons for this are manifold.
- You still want us. The addiction that we have placed inside of you means that irrespective of the abuse and the devaluation, you still want us back. This may be to try and correct what went wrong, it may be because you want the golden period again and/or it is because you have so many unanswered questions.
- You do not want anybody else. The impact of our abuse is so great that you can barely get through a day never mind contemplate interacting with another person on an intimate level.
- You are concerned that you may be ensnared again and even when you receive well-intentioned approaches from potential suitors, you reject them because you are too uncertain as to their motives. Thus you reject people and would rather not take the chance of being ensnared again.
- You wish to focus on yourself and your recovery and do not regard the commencement of a further relationship on an intimate level as conducive to achieving that aim.
- You are left feeling that you could not attract anybody else even if you wanted to. Your self-esteem and self-confidence have been shattered and the abuse has taken its toll on your assets and resources leaving you feeling that you are an unappealing prospect to a prospective suitor.
- The prospect of a romantic intimate relationship remains far too painful after the experience of being in one with our kind and therefore you decide against raking over old wounds.
We understand that there are these several reasons why you are unlikely to find someone after the Formal Relationship with us has ended. This is part of the reason why we are encouraged to keep coming back and hoovering you because there is unlikely to be somebody else involved who proves an obstacle to us doling out a Benign Follow-Up Hoover and drawing you back into our clutches.
However, it does happen. Some of you take a considerable time before moving on to another relationship for the reasons explained above. Others may move with more speed, not always for the right reasons but that is not what is to be examined here. Indeed, some of you are captured by a different member of our kind, falling victim to the apparent concern and charm exhibited by this white knight when you are still blind to what you entangled with the first time around. How do we feel when we see that you are with somebody else?
The immediate reaction is one of the ignition of fury. You belong to us. Under the terms of the Narcissistic Relationship you belong to us forever and therefore you are not permitted to enter into an intimate relationship with somebody else. That is an implied term of that contractual situation. By choosing somebody else you are telling us that we are not good enough. How dare you commit such a treacherous act? It does not matter that we got rid of you. It does not matter that we were horrible in our treatment of you and nobody (save us) could blame you for getting away from us. The fact is we expect your total loyalty forever. Your choice of someone else as an intimate partner (and this has equal applicability if you choose one parent over another, a sibling over another, or a friend over a narcissistic friend) is a huge affront to us and wounds us considerably. With this fury ignited we will seek fuel, both from our existing primary source and supplementary sources if need be, but we also want to draw this fuel from you and/or your intimate partner. We want to derail what you have got. You are not allowed to be loved by anybody but us. Nobody can make you truly happy, other than us. You will not be treated in the way you deserve to be treated by anybody but us. You are our possession and nobody else is allowed near you. With fury ignited and fuel being gathered to heal the wound caused by this criticism, what is our further response?
- You will be smeared to third parties. We will roll out a further smear campaign suggesting you were seeing this person behind our back (even though you may never have even known them when we were together or that it has been three years since you and I were in the Formal Relationship). We tell family, friends and all we can about how treacherous and unfaithful you have been. This gains us fuel and also has the potential to influence how those people treat you, allowing our power to be extended through them.
- You will be smeared to your new intimate partner. The lies will flow thick and fast as we look to frighten them off.
“Just thought I should let you know mate she is a gold digger.”
“You won’t know this but he has a serious drink problem. Get out while you can.”
“I hope you are using condoms pal after the amount of men that slut has had.”
“You need to sleep with one eye open, he is a maniac.”
“She won’t be faithful to you, you know. She is a user. Did it to me. She will do it to you.”
“She is a born liar. I bet she told you I am a nutcase didn’t she? Yes, you are nodding. She said the very thing to me about the chap she was seeing before me. She is dangerous. I ended up being hospitalised after the way she treated me. No need to thank me, thought you needed to know.”
“Good luck with that one pal, you will need it. What do I mean. Blimey, where do I start?”
- Your new partner will be smeared to you, by us.
“Just thought I should let you know he is a gold digger. I found out that he hasn’t a pot to piss in. I don’t want to think of him taking your money.”
“You won’t know this but she has a serious drink problem. Get out while you can. My friend is a doctor and has seen him being treated for excessive drinking. Just thought you should know.”
“I hope you are making him use condoms after the number of women that manwhore has had.”
“You need to sleep with one eye open, he is a maniac. My mate is a policeman. List of convictions as long as your arm. Of course if you ask him he will deny it, but you know me, I am just looking out for you. I always have done.”
“He won’t be faithful to you, you know. He is a user. Did it to his wife. He will do it to you. How do I know? Friend of a friend.”
“She is a born liar. I bet she told you I am a nutcase didn’t she? She doesn’t even know me and she is saying things about me. Imagine what she will start saying about you? It is only a matter of time.”
“Good luck with that one, you will need it. What do I mean. Blimey, where do I start?”
- Expect Benign Follow-Up Hoovers as we assert how much we miss you, how much we want you back, how we are better than this person. If we are content with our primary source this may still be done not to bring you back to us but just to ruin your relationship so you leave that person expecting to come back to us and then we turn our backs on you. All that matters is the fuel from our still functioning new primary source, from your distraught reaction to our behaviour and the knowledge we have messed up your relationship.
- Intimidation and malign hoovering in order to cause your new intimate partner to think that it is just not worth the hassle so they end up leaving you. “I do like you, but it is your ex, he scares me and I cannot have him causing problems for me at work, I am sorry, but I have to end things.”
We want to derail your new relationship. We want to control you. We do not want to see you exerting control over your life by choosing to be with someone else. We cannot bear to see you happy knowing that somebody else is causing this. We have to control you and all around us and this extends to affecting your new relationship. We will always look to drive a wedge between you and your new intimate partner, whether through appearing to do the right thing (warning you about this person or asserting we still love you) or by doing a bad thing (making it too much aggravation for both of you to remain together) so that we gain fuel from your reaction and his/her response to this interference and in so doing we exert our power and control, content in the knowledge that you are our possession once again. We must derail your happiness in a new relationship.
25 thoughts on “Derailed”
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He hasn’t been in a relationship since I left a year ago. But I am seeing someone. I also don’t know that he’s ever cheated on me.. This is the part of the narcissist label that has me thinking i’m the narcissist.
But even him knowing I am with someone he still guilts me by saying I ruined his family, or we could rule the world together and we’ve gotten through so much we can get through this.. Sometimes I hear he just wants me to be happy.. and sometimes it’s F you Amanda, I don’t want to hear from you anymore ( even if I talk about the kids).
Right after parting, he used to write something like ‘live life, Matilda, even if it’s not with me. I would be so very happy for you if you found someone new.’
Can you imagine what it feels like if the one you love and want to spend the rest of your life with tells you something like that?!
Now, after 1.5 years of No Contact, he asks if I am with someone new and adds that he would be jealous but very happy for me.
And I tend to think ‘if it’s so easy for you to let go, you have never loved at all’.
Does this conduct descibed in the srticle apply to lesser midranger and greater?
The desire is present for all three, but it is only MMR, UMR and Greaters who tend to act on it.
“Maybe you’ll find somebody who will finally want you.” he used to say to me…
‘ I’m sure you will find someone…. your age ..with the children..’ he said sarcastically when discarding me.
He knew I will struggle to move forward .
I’m still not even thinking of anybody else for all the reasons 1-6 listed above.
He discarded me by email. It was horrible. He implemented no contact cause he met someone and remarried within 3 months.
After 7 months he contacted me cause I had applied for a government job within the same area as him.
I had told him I passed all the tests shortly after discard.
So after all that time he responds with a congratulations. Then it leads to sexing me via text.
I told him he’s unavailable. He is married. But we have kept chatting stupidly cause even after rebuilding and getting my happiness back, I still miss talking to him.
Thing is I said a new man is interested in me which is true, but he tells me that I don’t need to rush into a new relationship.
That just tells me he rushes and discarded me. Hurriedly got married and I don’t see him being happy with the type he chose. He still wants me to hang onto emptiness and stay alone.
I have to stop talking to him. He knows I enjoyed stimulating conversation about in depth things.
Its very hard cause he gets into my head. He knows me. He’s very good. Its so hard not to respond.
I won’t talk sex talk. I do feel bad for the wife.
He got me addicted to him then abandoned me, but still won’t let me go. I don’t want the craziness of being with him again. I just thought we could just converse and not be mad anymore. Is that just part of the crazy mind games?
you must implement 100% N/C….. he is hoovering, controlling you and future faking…. read all about it here… HG explains it all so yo will understand… put on your “big girl pants” and SEIZE the POWER!
P.S. I forgot to add he meant the above phrase in terms of someone other than him providing the aforementioned happiness. So again what a load of lying garbage.
“Nobody can make you truly happy, other than us. You will not be treated in the way you deserve to be treated by anybody but us.”
Hahahahaha!!! My mid range used to always tell me that he hoped I would find the “richest truest happiness available to all humankind”. What a load of garbage.
Mine said something similar, gabbanzobean. Sounds so noble, doesn’t it? To me, it felt extremely cynical and mocking. Unforgivable.
Such an informative article HG. I continue to be blown away when I peek at the comments and feedback you get on the FB page. You’re now the Prince of Darkness who just writes this stuff to hurt people. It’s nice being in a safe bubble here with this crowd who get it and you.
Indeed Clarece and thank you.
Prince of Darkness? Lol
If they’re going to hand out titles to Mr. Tudor, then it should be no less than King.
King of Darkness. 👑
Now that’s much better.
Since people show their real identity on FB, they think they will be judged by others – which in some cases is true. So they throw stones at Mr. Tudor. Like that is what society/their friends expect of them.
Yet secretly they are very appreciative of his work. Why else take the time to read and come on his page and post comments?
“You’re now the Prince of Darkness who just writes this stuff to hurt people”…
“Since people show their real identity on FB, they think they will be judged by others – which in some cases is true. So they throw stones at Mr. Tudor. Like that is what society/their friends expect of them”…
So true.
As I can see, the official diagnosis of NPD, BPD, OCD, Sociopathy is a “good” ground to ostracize those people who have it, especially in the West countries. In the country where I live (Ukraine), we consider such diagnoses in more calm way. Our society prone to understand and help such people. Probably, it is because of our tradition to have more deep connections with each other or some elements of our culture. Who knows.
Sad truth is the more we ostracize them, the more covert and malignant they become. But helping and supporting them, we see real positive changes in their behaviours.
Old Spartans threw babies with congenital pathology off cliffs, because they didn’t know how to deal with “special” children. Now we know how to deal with them. Understanding is the key point to everything.
The same thing with the Personality Disorders. We don’t have to “throw those people of the cliff”. We have to understand them and their problems. Despite on their “I don’t need any help” statements, they want it!
But someone (from their side of the fence) had to start the dialogue. And, thank goodness, we have those brave guys who did it and Tudor is one of them.
Showing their internal world to all of us, they live under high and very negative pressure of criticism, curses, name-calling. It is understandable, because people had a lot of pain and problems with their Narcs and, not having a possibility to say all those “good words” to them directly, they use Tudor and other guys as punching bags for that. It isn’t a right thing to do.
Tudor and other guys have their own angry women who have a right to say all those bad things to them, but not any other people who don’t know them personally and to whom they did nothing bad. On the contrary, they try to help us (their reasons don’t matter), they want us to “hear” them, they want us to understand them and this is very noble and very brave goal. We have a dialogue!
No matter what, don’t give up, Tudor. Even when everything looks so hopeless, so dark, so desperate. Don’t give up. Sincere respect for your internal strength and your help from all of us, who understand the price and power of knowledge.
Well put No Name.
Hello Love! Hope you’re having more fun on your trip!
There are of course some nice folk on FB who comment on HG’s articles there, but they seem sprinkled in between a lot of the haters and Jerry Springer wack job crowd too. I’m not trying to be mean, but dang …whole different animal on that side.
Thanks Clarece. I’m home now. Wow, these FB people sound crazy. Guess haters will always hate. Good thing they can never faze Mr. Tudor. He is too strong for them. I know I could not handle it. The negative words would tear me apart.
What if after a hoover we declare that we are happy with or without you?
That is something of a mixed message to state to us.
so, if I understand correctly, this is why N/C and not entering the 1st 5 Spheres is crucial? If you do not know/have no way of knowing, we are with someone and have moved on, you can not derail it?
Correct.
thank you for confirming…
You are welcome.
The one I was seeing was married. He hasn’t tried anything like this on me when he found out I was seeing someone else.