The Effect of No Contact on the Narcissist
You know that No Contact is the key to beating the narcissist, but how does it affect the narcissist?
This Logic Bulletin explains to you what happens when you impose your No Contact Regime and how you can expect the narcissist to respond.
It covers Lesser, Mid-Range and Greater Narcissists in fascinating detail.
How does the narcissist feel?
What happens if you tip-off the narcissist that you are leaving him or ending the relationship?
What happens to the narcissist if you end the relationship and say nothing?
How does the narcissist respond?
What do you need to look out for in terms of common errors which will prejudice your no contact regime and place you at risk?
What will the narcissist do by way of response, so you can ascertain how to avoid this?
The content of this Logic Bulletin will give you these answers and more so you can build your Logic Defences and understand what will happen when you impose no contact now or in the future.
66 thoughts on “The Effect of No Contact on the Narcissist”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
Hello all, of either pursuasion.
I have been reading quietly, for months. Sifting though libraries of information, where nothing quite “fit” my situation.
I have been trying to find the exact reference for my nemesis. Then I find narcsite.
And here it is. Where is has been. Just waiting for me and “my kind” to discover it.
My nemesis, a Greater.
I am empowered by knowing this and I wish that I knew about this personality type, before my torture began.
How clear all the smug “hints” seem now.
No longer will one thousand comments, actions or odd scenarios consume me and drag me into the pits of insomnia.
Thank you, Mr. Tudor, for making all the confusing things become as clear as crystal.
What a gift you have given to all, by extending your hand.
I am delighted to learn.
HG, which is more injurious to an upper greater? Simply vanishing from his life (changing my routes around campus so I never/rarely encounter him) or walking past him on campus and ignoring him as I pass him by? Thank you for your perspective!
Vanishing. It will infuriate him that you are beyond his reach. You ignoring him on campus will wound only slightly and lead him to see that there is a challenge to accept.
Thank you! Your posts have been such help. Your writing style is also particularly intriguing. If I may ask one last question? I’ve been particularly impressed by your fairy tale type stories. You are obviously an exceptional writer. Do you write fiction as well?
Thank you Anna. I wrote Narcissist Seduction and Narcissist Ensnared which are fiction. I have written other material which is fiction outside of the sphere of narcissism and psychopathy but I have not published anything of it. Since you enjoyed the ‘fairy tale’ stories, keep an eye out for Narc Tales.
“Do you really want your parents to see those photographs and see their princess taking on three men at once?”
Lol a scene orchestrated by none other than the Greater, himself. What she assumed was a sexual adventure that would please him was really just collateral deposited in his blackmail piggy bank.
Mr. Tudor, does the Greater know how to fine-tune his threats to significantly impact his source?
Ex. Your statement above would be horrific to a woman who is the head of her church choir, a Kindergarten teacher, active in her community, and a loving caring daughter. It may not have the same effect on every woman. Some might not care.
All in all – any and all actions can and will be used against you in the court of Narc.
I dont think you ever replied to any of her comments, silent treatment?
No.
You know that narcissist lady who used to post here?
She knew what she was, but didn’t seem to shine as bright or be as sophisticated as a greater. How would you classify her?
Who are you referring to?
I think her name was Carla, self admitted narcissist, a nurse and had sisters
I don’t recall this individual, Brian.
How could you forget one of the originals, Cara? Had the mother who reminded you of Howard’s on Big Bang with the stories she’d share. She wasn’t a nurse though.
Oh I remember Cara, Clarece. It was reference to Carla and being a nurse which did not ring any bells. Yes, Cara always commented vis a vis her mother – as you wrote, it always put me in mind of Howard’s mother from the big bang.
Would you say she is a lesser-greater? One thing you may find amusing, she put ‘submissive’ on her wordpress profile, which is of course a total lie.
Who? If you mean the person you mentioned earlier, as I wrote, I do not recall who you are talking about, hence I cannot write what she is.
I liked Cara. She was down to earth. I also liked the other narc lady Lailani. I wonder where they went.
Brian – Cara once stated that female narcs will be whatever their target desires. I.e. victim, submissive, etc.
I remember Bloody Elemental stating a few times that I and others had a problem with her because she was a female narc. Obviously that was incorrect because I liked the narc ladies on this blog – they didn’t try to put on a show. And my real life female friends are mostly narcs. They are charismatic.
I liked Cara’s contribution too.
Oh yes Cara was her name. I thought she said she was a nurse, but I must have been mistaken.
Love- yes in the beginning they are quite capable of giving lurid descriptions of what they are like, and what they like to do…. but in the end you realise none of it is true.
As a secondary non intimate source, I’m able to enjoy my friendships with female narcs. I get a long golden period and don’t have to deal with their abuse. Majority of them have lots of friends and can rotate. When they start raging, I step back putting a pause on our friendship. Yet they always win me over again. Even if it has been a year or two. It is their charm. I however would never wish an empathic primary source on any of these friends. It would be quite awful … I’ve only had glimpses of their fury. The primary would get all of it and then some.
There is the undercurrent of fury, but they need plausible deniability.
So they provoke in a very skillful way.
They are capable of doing a lot of provocation in front of their coterie because they have ‘set the stage’ for what they are saying.
I’ve trained myself to not let them escalate any conversation into an argument.
If I feel there is something they are doing that is bad, I just let them do it for a while in front of their coterie then make a big show of pointing it out in front of everyone.
They have to then stop to preserve their facade :_)
Great job Brian. It is much easier to do when you’re a secondary. However, as a primary, all your emotions are on the surface. It is very difficult to maintain control of the situation.
When you don’t know what’s going on , yes.
If I wasn’t emotional I wouldn’t have made it to IPPS 😀
if it wasn’t for this blog I’d be getting into traumatising arguments and watching youtube videos made by victims.
The videos made by victims are nice for validation and venting but nothing beats getting the inside scoop from HG 🙂
Absolutely right and part of the reason I do as I do.
Hi HG,
I have read a ton of your articles, and from your expertise along with online sources and therapist’s opinions, my ex does sound like a narcissist. Specifically, based on your articles, he sounds like a Greater. Some of the things are so spot on that it’s scary. However, one main difference is that when I threatened to end things (ending the romantic relationship and saying we should just be friends, saying I need space, then going no contact and blocking him), he always acts like he does not care. He always finds a way to come creeping back into my life, though. But how can you explain this act of not caring rather than trying to charm me to stay? It feels as though he is too prideful to show he cares when I try to end things. Does this mean he isn’t a narcissist?
That in itself does not mean he is not, but I would need more information in order to ascertain whether he is actually one and which school.
Narcissistic people don’t need anyone and will prove it to you, you need them, not the other way around. They don’t have to have a full-on clinical narcissistic personality disorder to be narcissistic, which is also cultural. It’s very normal, for example, for masculine identity to be ‘autonomous’ and ‘invulnerable’ and not show their emotions and for the feminine/role partner to do the emotional, moral work for the relationship or be seen as a sexual commodity for the noncommittal pleasure of conquest, a a reflection of male status. In some cases, showing emotion will mark you as the needy one, if a person is very egocentric and in denial of their feelings. If a person who plays fair with you in a relationship is not interested and doesn’t reciprocate your feelings and you haven’t been pushy or done things to hurt them, they should just tell you, straight up, without power games that make you feel worthless.
Mine would say “I’m not ready to throw in the towel”. That is so laughable now, but back then I thought it was sincere. How uncreative using a boxing metaphor.
I wouldn’t need to go far for a pic..I have pics of every time he hit me.
There were times I would try to leave the ex-greater. My motive was not to be free but to hope that he would beg me not to do so. I was always terrified of having the conversation and he knew that. I would say “I need to say this” and he would know what was coming. His eyes would revert back to the way he looked at me during the golden period. So adoring and understanding.
“I can’t do this anymore”…he would smile and look at me so tenderly and say “sweetheart, I want you to do whatever is best for you…that is truly all that matters to me…I love you”. No begging me not to go, just the offer of total freedom. Every single time I braced myself for leaving he would turn into the most loving person I’d ever seen. No anger or threat would ever show on the outside. Complete and total control at all times.
Then he’d stroke my hair barely trailing down onto the side of my cheek. “This is going to work out…you’ll see…just a little more time, my love.”
Within 24 hours things would go back to exactly the way they were and I would persevere again to leave for good this time. This time will be different.
I just saw a dragon in there to be slain. How divine..?
ED
You ever taken a greater down?
Yes.
Bullshit.
Lookout, she may be gunning for you now.
I don’t understand why you are so brutal with me.
I’m unable to hate you, I’d like to though ..
I am prepping to go into Supernova. I have 1-2 weeks before his hoover begins (narc hoovering me). I hoovered him last week until he was annoyed and I have now implemented silent treatment. Which of your books should I read to help me prepare machinations against my low level elite narcissist (of course now he belongs to me and is low level because he is not as sophisticated as you HG)? He is married and I disengaged (?) stating I do not toy with married men. (Please correct me if I misuse your terminology). HG you are divine! I love your desire to arm the empaths to war again the narcissists… great way to eliminate potential competition!
All I could think of was donkey saying, a giiiirrrrrlllll dragon. Then I appear. Heehee. Picturesque writing, lovely HG. 🐲
Mmm… I thought my narc was a lesser Greater but now I’ve read this I’m not so sure…. When I argued with him early in the relationship and said I was leaving him, he listened intently sipping coffee, paying me no mind. When I finally walked for good he didn’t Hoover me and certainly never said/did a charm offensive as you describe above. He always had bouts of fury but could often be ice cold in demeanour and logic. He employed the silent treatment a lot too. I thought I knew his Classification so-to-speak, but your blog, HG has me totally confused…
I’m preparing to go No Contact today with my greater narc and am wondering if I should turn my read receipts on so he can see right away when I read his messages and ignore them or just flat out block him which he will also realize on the iPhone when his messages turn green instead of blue on the screen. We are just in the beginning our third month and he is waiting a longer time to respond between texts and sometimes no texts at at all just recently. He has cancelled a few times and tried to reschedule. I have a feeling he is not going to acknowledge our upcoming plans this wednesday so I want to go no contact now while he has no idea. I still have all my strength and just want to escape early before he has a chance to cancel our date, devalue and disengage. I want to get the most revenge. HG, what are your thoughts on which way to start no contact is more wounding. Should I turn the read receipts on? I will 100% NOT respond to anything he writes.
Lol at “he will forgive you (but not really)”… and it’s so true. You’ll hear the same tiny violin for years for any perceived slights, yet they’ll destroy your very soul 😆
H.G.
I love this article and wish I had all of this knowledge before I escaped. Because I seriously had no other plan then to just get as far away as possible.
Since I did everything bassackward I’ve hit a few brick walls (not all directly linked to him..kind of like when it rains it pours) I did not prepare for the terrible misery that leaving him woukd cause me, I constantly break No Contact (I’m not as bad as I was) I feel like I’ve left something undone, and I like everything neat and tidied up with a bow.
He has made it more than clear, rather harshly, that he does not want me back, and that all of this is my fault . So perhaps all of my desperate begging made him sick to his stomach and “lose all respect “(notice it’s in quotes) for me and he truly means that. I know I’ve spoken to you before about some of my issues with him, but today he paid one of my bills..what does That mean? From total contempt for me for 6 weeks to paying my bill..My little pea brain is not computing. What does it mean?
Thanks
That act of payment is because :-
1. Compartmentalisation and split thinking – from black to white in a moment.
2. Facade maintenance – “She betrayed me I still help her out, yeah, I guess I am just a good guy when all is said and done.”
3. Debt creation – he paid your bill but it will cost you all the same.
4. Control – he is exercising it over part of your affairs
5. Ever presence reinforcement – this act reminds you of him
6. Confusion creation – hence you questioned it and designed to try to stop you move forward
7. Planting a seed – because it will grow into an Obligation Tree and he will bring it up in due course and remind you of his generosity and your lack of gratitude
i had wondered the same, about why they send a check every now and then and now everything you said to Jody Allen puts it all in perspective….. however, I do not acknowledge the occasional bones he throws my way… truly, it is all about the Facade Maintenance. he will never let anyone know how he spent down all my resources first, though!
Thank you so much for taking the time to answer my questions. I know that you’re a very busy man, and for whatever it’s worth, I appreciate it very much.
It’s amazing that so much thought goes into one act, that brain must be always cranking away. #2 sounds exactly what he would say, and probably use it for future smears to friends, etc (See? I’m learning). I love the Obligation Tree terminology, you should use it more often. I do know that bill he paid is a huge step to me moving forward, so the price will probably pretty high.
I don’t pretend to understand what he could gain from me, besides fuel (not even good fuel right now) but I guess we’ll see when it comes back down to dicussions of my personal belongings.
Thank You Again~
PS: Live Stream was fantastic! I hope you plan on doing more!
You are welcome and yes there will be more, I am pleased you enjoyed it.
“The (debt) seed will grow into an obligation tree”.
I LOVE this! How beautifully put HG. I’m absolutely making it mine…starting now!
You may borrow it but it’s mine!
Yeah, you tell yourself that! After all the traits you’ve been stealing, you’ll have to let this one go.
In fact, I’ll raise you “Kitty has claws” also. Deal with it!
I break no contact every day at the moment. Usually i forward mr. Tudor’s articles and pictures when I’m really angry. Lol
Amber,
Please do not beat yourself up about breaking NC. I’m good for every couple of days now, but at first it was every day, several times a day and although I knew it was wrong and feeding him fuel. He wouldn’t even respond to me for the first 10 days after I left. It drove me crazy, because he knows I hate to be ignored. Then it was the blame game and word salad, more gaslighting (his favorite form of torture) and his asinine story that didn’t accept any responsibility.
This hiccup will pass, I promise. If you keep reminding yourself that you are not benefitting yourself but benefitting him greatly. ♡♡♡
That’s us exactly! So frustrating. It’s like a compulsive battle i have to win. But at least since I’ve found mr. Tudor’s channel, site, and such great advice from his followers, I’m getting happier and happier all the time i guess, so even now when i try to drag him back into the battle, I’m laughing the whole time. In the beginning when we would fight, even if i would leave, i would cry for days relentlessly. Now I’m just smiling. It’s like a game. I think I’ve taken on too much of what he’s taught me. He trained a soldier and i don’t know how to disengage from that role. But so, yes… ty for reminding me it’s just fuel in his twisted head. I can let the battle go.
Amber, when you forward the articles, is it effective?
He’s much better at managing his temper, so i get silence sometimes. Other times, he’ll tell me the article is about me and bemoan the fact that in his twisted head, HE’S the victim. Then he’ll send “rebuttal” articles from MGTOW channels or misogynistic sites about professional victims. Rarely, he simply snaps to not send him anything from mr. Tudor again. I of course ignore that because i have just like to bring things to his attention. Just as a favor, you know. 😇
My discard was last Monday and Im a week into it and feel like Im dying and I know if I fall for him again…..which I wont cuz i cant but I wud lose more than what I’ve lost with him…..but both my land and his is connected….mine had the home and is owned by me alone but the rest of our land is his and where our barn, garden and chickens are…..and every extra minute he has is spent there so Im still gonna have to deal with him….both our familes lives within 2 miles from eachother…..so I am cluess as to how Im going to get thro this bc I am currently unable to go home…..just pulling in our driveway paralyzes me and i cant breath….but still I eventually have to go home…..there are two things left he needs to get out and one I have to be with him cuz he has the only key and it has my birth cert and important stuff like that…..how am i gonna do this meeting especially when my replacement he took on a 3 day trip to he and myself and our daughters and his parents go…..he has been with her this whole weekend…..basking in his new love and he just made company at the new coal mines he started back in Feb which is when it all hit the roof…..I have been replaced and he is requesting i go file divorce which i am but he says he is sorry things didnt work out that they never knew but before he left on this trip he said he came home after work that night to see if me and girls wanted to go and luckly i was not there and the next morning I messaged him and told him Home, you lost your home snd havent stayed her for 3 nights and Your trip….take 20 homewrecking whores for all i care……tho it’s absolutely drove me flipping insane I know he will be back within a few miles tmrrw and i dont know what to do
This may not work for you, but I’d run back home with a friend at an hour when he shouldn’t be out in the garden. Grab both his things and take the one to a locksmith to get it open (tell him you can’t find the key). Take out your important papers and have a third party drop both his things off to him (not the friend who went with you to the house).
Good luck to you! Stay here and keep us updated. The first two months are the hardest. I walked away from my home, too and didn’t go back for months. My husband was still in it and he totally trashed it out, lowered its market value by over 60%. At least your ex isn’t in your house. I ended up selling mine. I’d lived there in hell for over 20 years and everything was too tainted by memories. I could never live there again.
I’ll keep you in my prayers/thoughts and be sending you positive energy, Kelli VF!⚡️⚡️⚡️
Without going into my own personal details…. if he wants divorce, why not let him file and then you get an attorney that will make him pay your fees, and ask for exclusive rights to YOUR HOME! I don’t know what state you live in and laws vary. Can you involve police to assist you? As Windstorm experienced her home getting trashed and devalued, I would recommend getting exclusive rights to the home… it’s yours And let the courts & attorneys work on the rest. Also, ask for maintenance while the action is pending… just my 2 cents worth…. please be safe!
Jody, it is hard to maintain the no contact. Some tricks I used initially was to change his name in my phone to Narcissist to serve as a constant reminder of who he is. Thanks to HG’s work, I feel empowered and I value myself enough to maintain the “no contact.” YOU ARE WORTH IT AND YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH LOVE AND RESPECT! Big hug!!
Very Creative Sookie!!
I think I will do the same thing, thank you!
I am trying to become more empowered and she’d all of my denial, still. But I no longer feel that I am going to die, believe me I completely agree with and sympathize with anyone who has gone/or is going through that feeling because that’s the only way to describe it.
Thank you for reinforcing the self worth that I need to be feeling within myself.
Hugs to you♡♡
I would get a graphic photo online to remind me, such as a domestic abuse survivor, to use for his profile pic, to stop me from contacting him, even though he never hurt me, or a funny one, about how mean he is, to make me laugh and help me detach. Either way, they both replicated the “devaluing” process mr. Tudor describes that the narc goes through. It doesn’t come to me naturally so i have to psych myself up. Lol
Jody, that is already a step in the right direction! I wish you the very best and know you are capable of and will maintain NO CONTACT! You’ve got this!!
I am still confused whether my ex was a mid range or the greater. He used to say “Nobody will ever love you like I do” and he did definitely turned to his secondary source once I discarded him and continuosly tried to suck me back in.
On the other hand, there was a lot of silent treatment, a lot of fury, name calling, sulking and most of all – he was trying to convince me and the entire world that he is such a good man.
HG could you write more about differences between Mid-Rangers and the Greaters?
I can, I would comment that on what you have written there he is Mid Range. Keep in mind also Greaters are rare and MMR and UMR do have some charm and a little calculation.
Thank you HG!