No Contact No Nos
No Contact is THE key to beating the narcissist.
Most people get it wrong. There are two reasons for this.
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2. The misleading effect of Emotional Thinking.
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This extremely useful and eye-opening guide tackles the weaknesses to your no contact regime in an effective and straightforward manner and is available for just US $ 5.
124 thoughts on “No Contact No Nos”
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I only get malignant hoovers. The disgusting rude offer of property settlement. The withholding of child support. Information gathering hoovers from his mother. I am gradually cutting off all avenues as I head clserc to no contact.
I think I just got hoovered. Out of the blue, after five months, he calls and apologizes up one side and down the other about how arrogant he was to me with his expectations of me of putting my life on hold just because his life was on hold. Said he was sorry. Starting beating himself over the head (metaphorically) calling himself despicable. I told him to stop talking about himself that way. We talked a few more times over a few days and then during a chat he started his old “not responding to me,” though chat shows he’s active. Last night I let him go silent for eleven minutes and then said bye. I guess his current #1 was unavailable for a week. Funny thing, I’m not surprised or feeling any pain. I used to get angry and confront him. This time I just left.
Notinkansas…im so sorry thats such a shitty feeling ive been there! You deserve better than to be used that way. I think they do it like you said if one of their other supply sources arent around and also i think as a hoover to boost their ego but not get back into the formal relationship. Its awful to reject someone like that but narcissists use people without any thought how it hurts people and they dont care. Only you can care about you and protect yourself from this guy. Block him fully so he can never contact you again.
Thank you for your sympathy. We have mutual friends and professional interests. I can’t avoid him, but I can certainly not respond if its not about these things. This was the third go round. It didn’t even hurt this time. Didn’t call him out. Didn’t leave a message. Just “bye” and left. lol! I”m sure he’d just tell me he fell asleep. And if I brought up that he was chatting to someone else, again, he would call me psycho. Not going down that path again.
I’ve been exactly where you are NotinKansas. Staying away is the only way for me to stay serene. Reading as many of HG’s books has been a life saver and coming to this blog. These people never change they only get worse. I know I was part of the narcissistic cycle for 11 years as IPPS. After 6 months I am finally sleeping again. With HG’s help no contact is possible and attainable. Keep coming back. Thank you HG for all you do. 🌸🌺🌸
I received a Linked In request from one of his former coworkers. She sent me a request two years prior right before he hovered me. I asked her if we knew each other to which she responded and said she needed a mentor and found me (I am three hours away so I found that strange). Should I assume the narc is using her as a lieutenant?
Yes, proceed with caution.
HG,
I identify as an “inverted narcissist” codependent, I’ve been sleeping with a male coworker who I believe to be a narcissist from the way he pursued me, that and he has similarities to a prior narcissist I was involved with. Yesterday I told him that although I assumed he wanted casual sex and nothing more I was developing feelings for him so I was better off removing myself from the situation. He let me go however that wasn’t the reaction I wanted. Truth be told I wasn’t getting enough of a high/fix/supply from the casual sex arrangement and wanted to be further enmeshed, I’m not sure that I do have any genuine feelings towards him at all, rather I was trying to manipulate him into giving me more of what I wanted which is mainly attention. I’m aware none of this makes much sense, my question is will he hoover in this scenario?
My driver was a biathlon sportsman in his youth. Then he was sent to Afghanistan’s war (1986-1989). He “worked” as a sniper there.
When he returned from war, he discovered that his wife had had a lover all that time. He went to him and shot him.
Then he had been in prison for 14 years. When he was released, he tryed to find a legal work, but no one wanted to hire him. Aside of crazy Noname. Lol.
He worked with me for 14 years and died from myocardial infarction half year ago. He told me stories about war and showed his demons. He was an empath originally, but war changed him severely. But no matter what, he was a great guy, very kind, honest, and I honor his memory supporting his two kids.
Having a lack of empathy, I hope you don’t have such demons, Tudor. Or have?
Thank you for sharing that story Noname. Very touching. Did your driver fight against the Russians?
No. He was a Russian.
Wow. How very interesting to learn about that side of the war. The insurgents fighting against the Soviets were trained and armed to prevent the spread of communism. Another useless war that was a domino effect of so much more destruction and chaos in the middle east.
I’m sorry, Love, but I’m not into politic at all. Everything I see in politic and war is a bunch of Big Boys who beat one another’s faces trying to prove who is a Daddy. Lol.
Men are designed for war. They always go and fight with Big World for something (money, power, influence). Our women’s fate is to wait for them and support our Small Worlds (home, children). We’ve done it for generations. And I do it. And I don’t mind at all. If I need to know something about politic, I ask my husband and rely on his opinion. He is a “political brain” of the family. So convenient. Lol.
I agree Noname that men (mainly narcissistic/psychopathic ones) are designed for war. They are good at it and have been doing it from the dawn of time. That’s why I don’t think narcissism is on the rise now. It has always been there and essential for survival.
“I agree Noname that men (mainly narcissistic/psychopathic ones) are designed for war. They are good at it and have been doing it from the dawn of time.” Certain types of narc maybe, but not the last one I was involved with…lol. He would have run a mile if he thought someone was going to cause him harm… or he would have hidden behind someone else. He didn’t do the bravado thing much at all, and on the rare occasions when he did (in a ‘safe’ environment), it was just all mouth, no substance…. just bluster. I dare say I may have even rolled my eyes on occasion, and we all no what that leads to eh? 😉 He also would have never survived in a military environment, as he wouldn’t have been able to put up with orders.
I can get on board with lots of character traits being common to narcs across the board, but some generalisations are a bit too sweeping. I don’t think they’re all designed for war… I think lots of them are designed to expect being mollycoddled. 😉
Penny, by designed for war, I don’t mean in the front lines. They are behind the scenes, manipulating and using others to achieve their goals. If anything the ones really fighting the fight are the ones the narcs have manipulated. The young ones willing to sacrifice their life for a cause – for someone else’s agenda.
You are right, Love. Nothing changes under the sun.
Dear HG,
Why do I get the impression that in previous articles you mentioned that mid-range victim narcissists tend to be fearful to hoover based on the wounding they may have incurred during an escape or post discard?
Am I remembering correctly or have I missed something?
Also, if one let’s their guard down & this is the first step towards being hoovered again…what is the middle ground between looking over one’s shoulder & letting one’s guard down?
Thanks 😊
You killed men legally or illegally? This is interesting.
Legally, not that was the major consideration at the time.
How do you kill people legally? Did you find someone on the internet who provided consent?
Without entering into a debate concerning jurisprudence consider :-
1. Pursuant to state endorsed action in accordance with legislation;
2. Within the theatre of operations within the Geneva Convention;
3. Self defence
4. Self defence of others
5. Below the age of criminal culpability
Two things that stood out to me
1. The Law of War
2. Committing murder before the age of 14.
Wow.
Delusions themselves do offer information but it needs to be analysed, like all other information.
I personally just call hoovering = stalking, fuel = manipulation and abuse. Whether or not someone has NPD or sub-clinical narcissism, abuse is abuse no matter what you call it. Compulsions, motivations and rationalisations behind aggressive actions may vary individually – but the actual reasons are not the same as what the person with the disorder believes the reasons to be.
“He IS a proclaimed psychopath/sociopath so whom better to ask?”
If you have cancer are you an expert at understanding and treating cancer?
I understand where you are coming from. Treating? Probably not. Understanding? Entirely possible. If you have had cancer you will be able to explain to people about the experience, things that helped you, things that did not, where resources can be found, how you dealt with it, what support was needed, how it was caused, the changes you made to maximise recovery. Many people are their own experts as they are the person who has experienced it. A repeated refrain from people is that they find that many people who might be in a position (or are meant to be in a position) to address the effects of NPD, do not understand because they have not experienced the impact of it themselves. Accordingly, I am not going to tell you how to treat it, but I provide the understanding of how we operate and its impact and how that can be avoided, addressed and countered. Providing the explanations in itself affords considerable assistance to people.
HG…you said what I meant..ppl sure get misconstrued here sometimes…
Well stated HG!!!
Thank you.
Please see HG’s response below… he has a way with words that I do not… well explained, HG…thx
Thank you.
Was it a man or a woman or some of each that you killed?
Men.
Plural, Men… killed more than one… you are a pro sniper??!!
I am an accomplished marksman.
well then, we do have something in common…. not that it matters
I prefer assault weapons… strictly target practice, lol…. you can’t miss
Chicks with guns eh?
…Chick with guns, yes
Eye roll, eye roll, eye roll. 😒
Um, you sure you want to give C-Star your home address Mr. Tudor? She seems to be very weapon happy. Just saying… I’ve seen Fatal Attraction. Doesn’t end well for the bunny. Hope you don’t have any around the house 😀
Come on, give me some credit!
You do like them feisty. 😋
True.
lol, Love… more like Mr & Mrs Smith than Fatal Attraction! I do not kill creatures!
I believe Mr. Tudor is highly effective alone and he is not in need of a co-pilot.
i don’t recall suggesting a co pilot…
You referenced yourself and Mr. Tudor as Mr. and Mrs. Smith – who were a married couple and also highly skilled assassins. So either A. You meant you are both attempting to kill each other or B. You meant you would join forces – I.e. you being his co-pilot.
No, YOU referenced Fatal Attraction… I referenced Mr & Mrs Smith…You said Co Pilot (not I)…. you drew your own conclusions
Lol! You realize you just restated exactly what I said?!?. Yes I referenced Fatal Attraction. You referenced Mr. & Mrs. Smith.
Girl, you are not impressing anyone! Chicks with guns, great with weapons, wannabe co-pilot/sidekick. You start off so prim and proper, whining and crying about people talking about sex. Then you yourself make a lewd comment about your BJ being too too good. Now you’re a hot shot. Lol! How many characters do you have?
I have many, but its none of your concern now is it? Your opinions, analysis, or observations, are presented in a misconstrued manner, and were never asked for anyway…. why so emotional??? why do you feel the need to butt in? do I hit a jealousy nerve when conversing and teasing with HG??
You’re not at my level for me to be jealous. But keep trying honey. 😘
try?
an assassin? lol
a hitman for hire? I wish!!!
C★, can I engage your services? (Just kidding!)
you misunderstood… I NEED a hitman, lol
Oh HG !
I finally got the hoover I’ve been waiting for.
All down to your advice of course
Thank you so much
Bingo ! You are welcome Alexis.
I’ve been reading the blog but not posting much lately as I’ve been too drained to articulate my thoughts.
H.G, using your teachings, I believe the narc to be a middle-mid, nomad, part victim, part somatic. He’s certainly cowardly, and his ‘nice guy facade’ is everything to him. He’d have loved it if after almost breaking me, and stealing my life, that I would ‘let bygones be bygones’ and slot neatly into another section of his fuel matrix (like a couple of his other exes have).
I haven’t done this, i’m absolutely *no contact* and I think he’s wary of me (of me causing problems re:his facade maybe?). For that reason, I think even if there were a trigger, that the bar would be too high and he wouldn’t risk it.
I *think* though, that I recently had a ‘testing the water’ hoover recently.
My dad died. The narc (5yrs together) sent me a text message saying hi, and how sorry he was to hear, and what a character my dad was, how sad etc. I ignored it. My beloved step dad (been that for 25 years) died exactly one week later, but narc didn’t text that time, so I guess he got the message from my silence.
I had some troubles with my dad last September when I was also being devalued with a vengeance, and a kind or supportive word, or a shred of sympathy/compassion from the narc then would have meant the world to me…. instead, he used it as a tool to further devalue me, made it about him, and upset me more.
I suspect he’ll be painting me in a bad light because I ignored his ‘nice message’ now. Evidence that he’s ‘nice’ and I’m ‘bitter’….. but hey…. f*ck him 😉
I would guess he’s in the thick of a golden period with his new IPPS, and he wouldn’t want me to cause an issue for him and her. So I am still surprised this happened. Is it possible that he offered condolences purely to maintain his ‘nice guy’ facade, so he can say to everyone that he did, or do you think he was half hoping I’d thank him (and fuel him)?
Hello Yvonne, you are absolutely correct and it always pleases me to read an excellent dissection of a situation, applying my work.
Hello C* and Ms Brown,
Excuse me if I step in here, but I think what HG refers to are the two key ingredients that create the fuel. The proximity of source is depending on if it is a remote stranger, inner or outer circle friend,intimate partner etc. Each has a point of value. The form of delivery refers to different “emotional” responses from the source. Each having as well a point value. When you convine the two gives a ” fuel value” . That is how the potency/intensity of the fuel is valued. You can find all this explanation on the book “Fuel” which I strongly recommend. Understanding the whole concept of Fuel is the key for understanding how they function.
I hope I am right HG…
And I think I answered on the right post this time!!
My mind will be blown if mine ever has the guts to hoover. Truly. I have wounded him greatly and he knows I will again if he tries. I know he hasn’t hoovered the two ex’s before me as I have spoken to them. They both told him to never speak to them again and he hasn’t. I think he’s a coward, deathly afraid of rejection and would rather cry to someone new. He is a midranger who I believe is ashamed of who he really is as he desperately wants to be the “Perfect” man everyone thought he was before his affairs were exposed.
ajo, I’d be very surprised if I was hoovered in the next few years as well. I have exposed him and he is well aware that if he attempts to crawl back in any way, my brother will beat the living shit out of him (that’s if I don’t get there first to do it myself). I have stopped exposing him, but I believe he is aware that if he appears in one of MY spheres in a way that I deem inappropriate (so pretty much in any way), I might recommence the exposing. As far as I know, he has never hoovered his wife either. I mentioned elsewhere that I’m fairly certain his father-in-law has compromising info about him and threatens him. So I believe he’s a coward and he knows that getting near me or his wife isn’t a good idea at all. But then, I know about a woman he was involved with before I met him, and suddenly she was back on his FB. Pretty sure that was some hoover effort.
I always told him, even when things were still good between us, that I don’t recommend hurting me or betraying me because I can and will fight back and he’ll regret it. His response was always “I know”. So I believe he will wait for a very long time if he ever attempts a hoover.
HG,
I will be contacting you for a pvt consultation-I was waiting for the explosion or the knowledge of my previous post to happen so I could discuss it will you; but nothing has happened after a month. My only analysis is that he does not recognize her last name, which of course I never mentioned being she is my sister and I only referred to her by her first name. Based on all of your writings on UMRN I know that he would have exploded to know that my younger sister, an excellent and well know litigator, of which he is well aware, is on this case.
In any event, I will schedule a consultation soon, just waiting.
Thanks again 🙂
Noted, no problem.
HG,
Let me give you a scenario and you tell me if after this my ex Narc. would ever hoover me again. . . My Sister, who is a lawyer is representing my ex narc.’s first wife in a law suit to collect past alimony which has not been paid in full. He has no idea, even though he has received noticed from her attorney (my sister, who he has met various times) who she is-he does recognize her last name, as of yet. The next hearing is in one month. How do you think he will react in court when he does finally see her (even though her hair is blonder and she will have it in a pony tail and wear glasses) even though he might not recognize her, if he does-do you think he will go ballistic, then and there? After reading so much of your material and explaining to my sister what she might encounter based on your books and articles, which I am now forwarding to her, what is your opinion on this? I know this will seem like a major criticism from me, since it is my sister, but what do you think he will do?
Thank you Sir 🙂
H.G., I listened to your q&a and you said a borderline isn’t a narcissist cause they have some empathy, correct? Well if this is true how would you know if the empathy is real or not?
Also my narc was/is an addict but has quit using drugs and is doing the 12 steps and says he is wanting and learning to be a better person. He is a lesser mid ranged or now maybe a borderline, is it possible for him to change by doing the steps?
Yes, there are other differences but that is the main one. How do you know if the empathy is real or not, you would have to look at it over a period of time, ascertain the circumstances in which it manifests, seek the views of other people in order to make such a determination.
Are there any other ways to tell ? He has many many characteristics of a lesser to mid-range but he sometimes seems like he has empathy and has empathy for other people. And I think feels guilty sometimes. But then I wonder if it’s all an act.
I still am confused about the borderline narcissistic distinctions he has ALOT of narcissistic things he does, but then I listen and read something you say which makes me wonder if he is true narcissist. Like right now he going thru the na 12 steps working hard on his steps but how will a narcissist work thru the 12 steps? Can they?
BTW H.G. He has killed before also. Also a women he was in a relationship with while married(
one of his wife friends) committed suicide with a note that said ” I’m ugly and nobody will ever love me”
I discarded my narc.He is a bully.I am 5 “4 and I am not afraid of anyone or anything . He realized that when he showed up at my home trying to tell me I am crazy and he wants to help me .. I laughed at him.. told him to leave or I will call the police.. I took his belongings that were at arms length and threw them in the driveway along with his dog.. All while he was crying and trying to grab me.. Shut the door,shut the lights. He left.. The last correspondence was a email to him telling him I expect repayment of the $ I loaned him.. He replied with BS. No worries no worries .. lol
Can looks & attitude trigger a Hoover? In other words, if he discarded me after he had beaten me down for 20 years into a fat, lifeless, marshmallow then saw me post discard looking beautiful and strong, does that invite a hoover or would it be too much of a risk for narc injury?
It may well do so subject to other factors at that point.
Not being a “buttinski”, doesn’t entering that sphere create criteria for a Hoover? Albeit benign or malign?
If the narcissist has already seen you as explained in the hypothesis then the sphere of influence has already been entered and thus there has been a hoover trigger.
Whether it is executed depends on various factors, the way you look, being just one of them.
Dare to come near me! I will ignore you for the rest of my life!
HG I just listened to your Q&A. You’ve really killed someone?
Correct.
Can you describe what that felt like? I would say the ultimate primo fuel, yes? Even in the instance of self defense, the power must be orgasmic
Depends on the method of delivery and proximity of supply.
ugh… HG, you frustrate me with such evasive answers to some of my questions…. i need to go beat my head against the wall now….
It’s not evasive, I’ve answered you.
perhaps my question was in the wrong post….i had asked you what it felt like to kill someone….the power and the fuel… thank you
I answered you. I explained it depends on the method of delivery and the proximity of supply.
in your live stream, you said you have killed (1) one… i understand a gun was involved…. so method of delivery was a gun and the supply was at close range? please bare with me here… i am trying to understand something… thank you so very much and I do not mean to irritate you
No. It is the proximity of supply means the nature of the relationship between the appliance and I. The method of delivery is the way the fuel was provided to me. See the book Fuel. Superxena has commented correctly.
……. Never mind, somehow my question got mixed up with something else my original question to asking what it felt for you to kill someone….You stated that you had killed someone, in the live Q&A….
Killing someone orgasmic? I cant imagine taking someones life ever feeling that way unless youre a psychopath sadist and get off on it 🙁
HG stated in his LIVE Q&A, he had killed someone and a gun was involved…. I wanted him to elaborate on this statement but it is being answered in the context of “appliance and fuel”…. i do not believe he killed an “appliance”… that is not how i understood it in the live feed. Perhaps I was wrong…
All people are appliances. I think you mean that you did not understand it to be a primary or secondary source and you are correct in that respect.
correct
He IS a proclaimed psychopath/sociopath so whom better to ask? He has stated that he has killed…. I was looking of expansion on this
I would take life (man or beast) in a heartbeat, if my life or a loved ones was at stake…. otherwise, I have a “no kill” policy and am a very strict vegetarian. Goes back to being forced to witnessing brutal killings before I was 5 years old… I should say “perceived” as brutal, in my 5 year old eyes…
I think there is word play involved. I believe your words are figurative rather than literal for the following reasons.
1. You are of very high cognitive function and have great control over your fury.
2. You are able to quickly calculate risk and therefore do not make impulsive life altering decisions
3. You are always 3 steps ahead of the game
4. To ‘terminate’ an appliance would defeat the purpose. You prefer them alive so you can slowly seek revenge for their crime
5. Even though you believe you are above the law, you are also very smart to know that such a statement would indict you
6. Your truth is nebulous
You are shrouded in secrecy, danger, and mystery. This is why we are so drawn to you.
1. Correct.
2. Most of the time.
3. 4 steps.
4. Correct re primary and secondary but not so re tertiary and bear in mind the disincentivisaiton of this tertiary draws fuel from secondary sources in the know.
5. I am but my actions have not and would not attract sanction.
6. Not here.
Ah. Thank you Mr. Tudor. So you did it to protect others who were in danger.
Sometimes in a wider sense, sometimes in a more immediate sense.
Was it a man or a woman or some of each?
Was what a man or a woman LD?
I believe HG said he killed more than one person, and I think he also added that it was within his profession. So it’s probably not as exciting as the drama queens in us want it to be but he is/was simply a policeman or more likely a soldier.
in whatever sense of his profession, if killing is involved, it would have to be done with no emotion… but for a Narc, it is fuel as well, a very potent fuel I’d imagine….
Uhm narc affair, … what do you think HG is?
Mr. Tudor has stated many times that he is not in the military or police. So naturally the cloud of mystery further envelopes him. My guess is he is the real Frank Martin in The Transporter.
Very good, save I have more hair.
Yes of course and you are taller than Jason Statham.
I am by a couple of inches. I quite enjoy a film with The Stath in.
He can’t be an executioner (hangman) so much is sure.
Are you some kind of security officer or body guard or something like that, HG? Was it on the job that you killed someone?? With a gun? Could you maybe say more about it?
Ava…i know HG has said he was a diagnosed psychopath but i didnt get the sense that he got off on killing people like a serial killer would. That it was more related to his profession why he had killed rather than out of enjoyment.
narc affair:
that’s right, he would (does) enjoy torturing people more than killing them, for his sole amusement and keep them for that. Which puts him on a scale of “evil” above someone who kills people right away. Though I assume that it wouldn’t be intellectually challenging enough to simply chain someone in his cellar. He prefers to torture and kill silently and psychologically. His victims seem to get away in most (not all) cases simply because he gets bored.
[I once had an accident because of my exnarc, and at another incident I told him that I didn’t want to live anymore (don’t worry, that passed, it was because of the abuse) and he answered that it wouldn’t matter, that it wouldn’t make a difference. But that was while he had someone else to play with, while I was his primary source, he preferred to keep me safe.]
HG:
why mention it and then wrap yourself in mysterious silence?
I haven’t, I have answered the questions.
I was certain mafia related. HG said he was part of a gang. Hes definitely not a terrorist. Im sure someone will figure it out or already has…
No I am not a terrorist.
There aren’t too many ways to legally kill someone in the UK. Otherwise I would have made use of those ways. If there’s some loophole, please send an email to my personal email. I will delete it immediately after reading.
HG, how much fuel do you get out of this discussion?
Not a lot. Tertiary sources, written word, low frequency, low volume.
Possibly a body guard of some sort maybe to a political figure.
Bingo…the queens bodyguard!
I do ‘no contact’ with stoicism and ease and am incredibly proud of it. I can do no contact with family, friends, acquaintances, exes, partners for months and years or forever. I know what they do during the no contact period, they don’t know what I do during the no contact period. They always want to connect, and if they somehow succeed it infuriates me because I have not given them a signal to do so.
HG, is this weird, wrong or comepletely normal?
I would not call it weird, it is unusual in terms of not only the ability to apply no contact so rigidly but also to then be infuriated if it is breached. That is not a value judgement but rather a comment about how often this happens.
I think the risk of a hoover is within us. If youre done completely with your narc and want nothing to do with them it doesnt matter what they do in the way of a hoover itll make no difference. In fact let them bc you can have fun playing them around like youll give them a chance again then laugh in their face.
If you still have feelings for them block them every which way bc the hoover will be a huge risk! When you still hurt over the loss of them you are very in danger of their hoovers bc you want that hoover along with the lovely lies.
I know for a fact they come sniveling back. My first narc still sends me emails which ive not opened not bc i fear a risk of his hoover but bc i feel repulsed by him. He no longer attracts me but disgusts me. I dont feel anger but i have zero interest in him. Zilch! His hoovers are useless and he wastes his energy on a source that will never be one to him again. His hoovers are no risk at all.
I forgot to add that the narcissist will hoover when theyre desperate for fuel or want to feel the “newness” again with a past supply source but we never stay new for long. The familiarity comes back fast and its off to the devaluing we go. Its very short lived the golden period especially one with a former supply. Its thrilling while it lasts but even more devastating when it ends again but the narc walks off with a smile and full ego.