No Contact No Nos
No Contact is THE key to beating the narcissist.
Most people get it wrong. There are two reasons for this.
1. Not understanding the requirements of a Total No Contact Regime , and
2. The misleading effect of Emotional Thinking.
As part of the first element, the establishment and maintenance of a Total No Contact Regime means not only knowing what you MUST do for your Total No Contact Regime, but also what you MUST NOT do.
No Contact No Nos provides comprehensive information about the fundamental errors and primary risks which exist to your Total No Contact Regime so that you know what they are, how they threaten your regime and what you can do to make sure your Total No Contact Regime is properly implemented and also securely maintained.
This extremely useful and eye-opening guide tackles the weaknesses to your no contact regime in an effective and straightforward manner and is available for just US $ 5.
52 thoughts on “No Contact No Nos”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
Why is he bothering me now ? It’s been a year of no contact physically & 8 months no text, why now ?
There has been a Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution criteria have been met. He is seeking fuel and possibly the restoration of the formal relationship.
Thanks a few months past eh ?I’m sorry I don’t fuel you as others do or speak as fluently nor eloquently lol just a small town girl tryin to recover from the likes of your kind.
There is no difference in your fuel JJMT to anybody else here so don’t concern yourself with that.
Hello, HG. Question: what about the situation, when the narcissist is the one, who “cut the ties”, block someone on social media and goes completly no contact after years of really close and intensive friendship? (yes, he found a new primary source – she was “just a friend” till last month)I applied no contact first, six months ago and he tried to hover only two times, but didn’t put any effort into it. Suddenly he blocked me, and two days later I found out he’s in a relationship. Unfortunatelly, propably I was a Dirty Little Secret. He’s a Mid Range. Is it normal, that he is the one, who doesn’t want any contact with me anymore?
Sincerly Yours,
Dawn
Since it was a friendship you are an NISS. It is unusual for this to happen, but he must fear you affecting the new golden period in some way, hence the disengagement.
I plan to tell every single female for the rest of my days who this piece of crap is. I feel I can move on and ruin as many chances as I can for him to find another decent human being to use as his primary source. I don’t care if he tries to hoover, he cannot get me back, not a chance. I’m enlightened.
C, I know I sound bitter. But a temporary situation over twenty years?
I made the damn fault to buy a flat in the same house, she lives in. I did not know what she is when I moved in. Át once she took my flat as her flat, she moved into my flat without permission. She called me up to eight times a day, She looked through the windows, what I was doing. She sat in the kitchen, when I came home from work. She looked out of the window, when I left my flat. She wanted to know everything. She let me do all the things, she did not like. She lent a lot of things, which she did not give back. She always asked for my help. She even stalked me last year, when I said that I do not want any contact to her . She lay down in the garden on a cot next to my garden, so she could observe me all the time. She devalued me in front of my best friend and in front of the narc in a very subtle way.. Even he said, you are under full control of her . But she did not devalue me in front of people, who are a little bit more aware…I cared for her over a half year, after she was hurt by an accident. I did not have time to visit friends. I was out just for one evening a whole half year!!!! (That was not the only time, I cared for her very much)
She did not say : “Thank you”. She asked for more help, as if I am her slave. And now it is not easy to tell the medical care, that I do not want to help her anymore. They say I am a relative and I live in the same house, why should they pay for things, which I could do. Thank you, system. But I will go on my holiday trip, which I booked a half year ago. She does not know it. She would have played the victim “I am so alone, you cannot leave me alone”. I will fill her fridge and then go! .It is very hard to do it, because she really needs help at the moment, but if I do not do it, I will be a slave forever. And she believes, that I am happy!!!!! And in that situation the narc seemed to be the saviour . I have had a place to go , I have had a place to flee to. I was so glad to meet him, because in the beginning he was so nice. I could relax a little bit. She does, as if she is holy. such a good woman. Sorry, but she is a parasite.
Mona, What would it take to make you happy? reflect on this while on VaCa, then follow through with a plan when you get back. Stay here and read, UNDERSTAND…. the truth will set you free
Ladies guess what? Each post on this presents the opportunity for ever presence.
We have to do a reality self check. Some articles are more triggering than others based on each person experience.
HG
This advice is important and really helpful. It helps me personally too re-reading and keeping on hammering home these things to myself as time goes on.
So valuable. I cant thank you enough for the consistent reinforcement it provides during weaker periods of time.
It makes it easier to lessen guilty feelings for ignoring hoovering especially during pity plays or overly ‘nice’ …or “But I’
m one of the good guys!” episodes.
I appreciate your help with it all. ✌
Helps me to keep baring my teeth when I need to!!!..haha. 😂
🐾
Grrr. You are welcome.
I recently received an email after no physical contact since Sept,2016 ,no txt or email since Feb 3 as I changed my number. The email was in someone else name & told me to stop stalking them or they’d report me, I probably shouldn’t have responded but I did by forwarding the narc & my emails of him professing to love me & couldn’t go on without me at The end.The response was him of that Iam sure key words & phrases of filth, putdowns, & threats..It enraged him as I’m sure the emails enlightened the original who stated ” You only slept together once ,havent you ever heard of a hook up ? It meant nothing. ” Why bash me now HG ?
No reply BY ?
No reply HG ? WHY NOW after all this time ?
No reply to what?
Great as always but you know that. I find the most interesting part of this post your Richard Steele quote.
It reminds me of several proverbs, which i enjoy. It’s not the quote but several tweets that are inspirational quotes from the bible. Although, you ascribe the quotes to unknown or a specific authors most are found in the bible. Moreover, past articles have demonstrated a high knowledge of Christian beliefs. Is that intentional? The mid to lesser targeted women with Christian beliefs to challenge it and considered himself god. (Good Orderly Direction)
Is this just another form of manipulation? I would think to use these quotes could imply you are in agreement.
Are the quotes part of the if you like then so do I? If so, how do you discern what the majority will like?
“Fire and swords are slow engines of destruction compared to the tongue of a gossip.”
– Richard Steele
Ever presence is a B! That in itself is a huge stumbling block. Its so easy to talk about the ex online thru forums etc but its so important to focus on yourself and your healing. Understanding what you went thru is important but focusing on the narc and why they are the way they are just as stated poisons your emotions and thoughts.
That pic is hilarious 😂
lol… i call those elephant ears and they hear everything and forget nothing!
HG:
I found your site through a link in a norwegian article on manipulation.
I have meet many narcissist in my life in different contexts.
I have never been a primary source to one. I really like my life, and I am careful with who I let in. Normally, when I meet someone with a sadistic and manipulative side I silently pull away. The exception is this one N who met me when I was in deep grief over a lost dear one. He mirrored me wrong, and soon found me not to be a good primary source (I’m guessing).
Our interaction has only been on a platonic level, and after five years we are still “friends”. The trade off is OK. I get information on how he thinks and interacts, and he gets fuel.
My questions are:
1) Does he understand that I can tell he is a narcissist?
2) Do you always test a secondary source to see if the mind-set has changed into a more primary source possibility?
3) If you mirror someone wrong, does that make you more competitive to proof it wrong, or is that just a vaste of energy?
4) Can you feel respect for someone? Say someone who is smart, successful, and sexy, or is that always just a source to envy and hate?
5) Do you grade your spite for your primary and secondary sources differently? Or do you look down on them equally?
I see you haven’t published my comment.
Is the world stage a bit too much, or are Norwegians not allowed in;)
I read that my comment does not fit to the content of this particular blog post. It’s fine. I’m sure I can find answers to my questions somewhere in you posted material:)
“The art of knowing, is knowing what to ignore”.
Hello Sunniva, of course Norwegians are allowed in. Just so you know, much as I enjoy interacting with my delightful readers I occasionally have to find some delicious fuel and eat some souls so there will be times where posts will remain in moderation until I get to them. Those which are lengthy and/or have questions may be in moderation for a while, so do not be perturbed if your comment does not appear immediately.
Hello Sunniva,
I am pleased to find that my work has reached you. Are you celebrating or commiserating following your country’s general election result?
1. This depends on what school of narcissist he is. If he is Greater he will be aware you know. If he is not, he will not know.
2. We will test a secondary source to ascertain whether that person should be promoted to the position of IPPS.
3. If the mirroring is incorrect, we will shift to something else to continue the seduction.
4. We can admire those things during seduction and then during devaluation they become matters of envy and jealousy.
5. There is no grading of spite, but generally it is the primary source which suffers the worse of the devaluing behaviour.
To speak an Entity’s name is to subsequently give them more power and energy.
yaaaassss! precisely lolaestrange…
HG, sorry, but this topic makes me angry, more than angry. It is right not to talk about him to his lieutenants. I agree. They will tell him because they are his supporters. It is not right, not to talk about it. We have to talk about it, otherwise we will not find a way out of our misery. We need compassion and logic and a “real brainwash” from other people. We need their “normal” logic, although it hurts. If they ask about him and we feel we do not want to talk about him again, we can tell them. If they are real supportive friends or people who like us, they will respect it. If you swallow all that negative stuff, you are on your own way to your own next hell. Not to talk about it, means, he can get away with all his bad behaviour as always. Sorry, but you just support the other narcissists.
So many people come to this blog, because they have to get over it. And it helps to find other ones, who experienced the same bad behaviour. To find understanding, to find emotional support, to find compassion, to find out why we were addictive to a narcissist and so on..
I agree with you Mona, as women that is our way of working things out. I know there is no way I cannot talk about situations like these with my friends when they are fresh wounds but I am taking this more like HG is saying don’t talk to people where it can get back to the Narc and to your best ability, try to erase this person from your thinking as it only causes more damage to you. Try to move forward. I think he fully understands the need to talk it out.. that is why he offers private consultations. I think it takes a lot of practice, time and patience to renew your thinking… it definitely requires strength and perseverance. just my thoughts.. 🙂
Yes, Sue, you are right. Look at my comment for C and Indy and maybe you understand, why I cannot move on. It is not easy for me. My mother is an engulfing narcissistic mother, that means, she wants to be with me every minute of my life, she controls me all the time and she plays the victim card. She clings so much that I cannot breathe. She is so manipulative, you cannot imagine. She told the medical care, that she is able to do everything on her own. She is not able to do anything. I see me in future, bringing her to all the doctors, washing her, because she cannot use the shower alone, ringing for me every ten minutes for nothing and so on. I see no future for me at the moment. She tells so many lies about herself. You cannot imagine. It is deep abuse and she realised it but said to me : ” Why not? You belong to me.” She is much more manipulative and more successful than my narc ever was. It is the hell. She triangulates very subtle. My uncle is dying because of cancer. She does not ask for him. It is all about her, her and her. Sorry, but I am so depressive today.
I am sorry you are going through this Mona. It is very difficult when it’s your Mom. I had a similar Mother but not as bad. I did wind up taking care of her at the end of her life.
It is very difficult to just move on when it is your parent and I was never able to really move on because I had to deal with it. I wanted to take care of her because I felt that it was my obligation. But there has to be a point where you set up boundaries. And I am taking a guess that you really never learned any personal boundaries growing up, which makes it all the more difficult. Maybe you could try to write down a plan on your daily dealings with her. Start setting boundaries with her. Set boundaries for yourself no matter how small they are. When my mother was sick I was at her house for the last month taking care of her. I gave her a bell to ring if she needed me. She would ring the bell over and over again for stupid reasons just to get me to pay attention to her ( I was there 24/7) all hours of the night. I finally told her if she rang the bell again that I was leaving and she would have to go to a medical facility. I had to take control of the situation. By the way she stopped.
If you want to stay involved with her for whatever personal reasons you may have then in my opinion, you are going to have to take control of yourself and the situation. If it is too overwhelming for you, which is totally understandable, then maybe think about getting a professional to help you. Your Mom isn’t going to change. You have to. and you can do it! Don’t give up. Stay far away from anyone she tries to get to use against you.
C * had a good idea, Have your co-workers start reading HG’s material and maybe from that you could form a support group.
Don’t let her steal your joy 🙂
yes, Mona… you need to talk about it in a SAFE environment, be validated and then let it go and move on…. some continue to blah blah blah about it forever… that is not healing
DISCLAIMER: This is my opinion and based on my OWN personal experience
Indy and C,
ouch, that hurts, because it is now a few years ago and I have to stop thinking about his behaviour. It is evil, it was evil and it will remain evil for the rest of his life. I have to move on. But I cannot. There is still my narcissistic mother. She makes a lot of problems right now. Her selfish behaviour reminds me each day of the narc. It is against my conscience to leave her alone. She is helpless at the moment and for a short time in a home for elderly people. If I do not care, they give her the wrong medication.
Some workmates just start to talk about their experience with narcs. I opened a gate. Just today a workmate told me about his girlfriend who broke down (total nervous breakdown ) yesterday because of her narcissistic mother. He said to me, that he could not believe how mean and insane people can be. He has heard it through me (my mother and my ex) and now he is in a similar situation with his mother in law. My life-story helped him to see his mother in law clearly and he helps his girlfriend to get away from this toxic woman. He supports her . I wish I had someone like that on my side. Someone to trust.
Hey Mona… have you referred workmates and others to this blog and HG’s books? Sharing is caring…. spread the word!
HG approves.
Mona, addendum to my other reply…. I do understand your situation with your mother…. that is a difficult one to be in…. try to take it one moment at a time and realize it is a temporary situation. I DO get that!
Wow, the compassion is overwhelming! Just let it go… who would have thought? I guess I if Mona watched the movie frozen a little bit more she wouldn’t be blah blah blahing about it forever… That should be HG’s next article “Just let it go” and then everyone would be healed!
“blah blah blah” was not specifically directed at Mona, I said “some”, as a generalization. I know, because I WAS one of those…
whew! I saw your addendum… I am glad you clarified 🙂 for some people, talking it out helps them move on..
sue423…prior to “addendum” was DISCLAIMER, i did not add on to appease anyone… talking it out is one thing… but going on and on about it forever is not letting go, moving on, nor understanding what you were (are) entangled with…. it prevents healing…. again, it is brutal, yes, but it is the truth and to sugar coat it is not everyones style
Hi Mona,
You definitely need to share your experiences in a safe place to be able to heal. And I understand with your situation that you have an ongoing relationship with a narcissist mother that requires your medical care. It is understandable that this would trigger thoughts of other narcissists that have abused you previously. I definitely do not wish you to think in telling you to stop sharing here. For me, it is just the exes, no parent, and for me, I need to stop referencing the exes specifically to truly delete them. I’m not saying this for you, parents are different.
Now, there are things you can do to lessen impact once you feel the story has been told and understood fully. I hope it is ok I offer these to you…take what you like and leave what doesn’t work or apply:
1. Intense boss-mode self-care schedule for YOU. Very important when you are a caregiver AND being targeted for fuel by your mother or anyone. Make sure you make a list of things to do for you and schedule it in your day. Even if just 10 minutes. Some ideas are baths, massage, music breaks, walks in nature, buying g something special for yourself, getting your hair or nails pampered, going to a friends home for coffee, going out for drinks….etc…what ever works for you and it’s everyday.
2. Grey rock your mother when you are strong enough. It’s hard but we are here for you!!! Being difficulties with it here.
3. It is ok to tell the story if it helps someone else, good for you in helping others!!!! Like C* said, referring the HG is always good. Especially when you don’t have the energy to go into detail all the time for those stuck. It gives you a break.
4. If you have t already, dump the ex assholes gifts and such. Delete the scum. Not So Sad refers to her ex as “it”. You can make tiny steps to take his power away in your mind. Turn HIM into an object, and send him to the dump! 😉
Please do not think you have to be quiet about your experiences here. Just know that when you are ready, it’s part of the healing and deletion process to get those exes memories to the point of “no impact” on you.
Sending understanding and warm vibes to you. I too took care of my mother in her final years, it is very hard. Even more so when you are giving the care you never got and do needed yourself. (Hugs)
Very good advice, Indy – all of it!
the suggestion of “Grey Rock” is excellent
Great advice and well written Indy!
Hi C*
Hmmm first of all, “DISCLAIMER” I don’t think really fits in your comment. It is typically used as a legal term ” to exclude” you are giving your opinion then saying that there is an exclusion of your opinion? That basically you are not responsible for your opinion? not sure… you didn’t add on the addendum to appease anyone. It seems like you were trying to appease/rectify, someone or something. I get where you are coming from. You are just trying to be honest and not sugar coat your feelings. I get that… but it just seemed a little too brutal. If she came across as arrogant or aggressive, I would understand your “in your face” approach but she didn’t. Some people are in different stages and may need to vent more… I think Mona is pretty new to this blog so maybe she is just looking for help. if she’s been here for three years and continuing to say and ask for help for the same things over and over again then yes, maybe she doesn’t want help at all and is just addicted to the sympathy. Here is what I would hear if you said that to me ” Talk to someone and get it out, then get over it. move on and shut up. If you want to heal and get over it just forget about it and stop complaining”
By the way, I did tell Mona that your idea about telling her co-workers about HG’s books was a great idea. That maybe they could form some type of support group.
It does….fit my comment, as it was MY OPIONION and placed there (pseudo disclaimer) so ppl like you don’t attack me for having AN OPINION different from yours… what don’t you get about that? Brutal is in the eye of the beholder…
I think you need a dictionary for both of those words. I never attacked you. I made a sarcastic comment about your comment. I completely understood your opinion, I was just taken back on how you voiced it.
Writing a word like Disclaimer isn’t going to stop your perceived “attacks.” What will stop the negative responses you get is the way you word your comments. I know it’s something I’ve had to address with myself and still do at times.
to each his own, 423
I’ve been devalued to just a number now “423”. Oh no! Too funny!
You’re a hoot C!
Mona, I’m actually replying to the next post down about your mother (it didn’t have a reply button).
Your situation horrifies me because I can identify with it so much! My mother wanted to be clingy like that, but I evaded with the help of my children and exhusband, and a friend who was a nurse. She took 10 years to die of Alzheimer’s.
Is there no other family that can step in and help? Failing that is it not possible to hire someone to care for her? I moved 40 miles away from all my narcs (mother included) and that distance really helped me. You need to find people that you can reach out to. That makes all the difference. I’m glad you shared this with us.
I don’t remember your stance on religion, but I’m lighting a 9 day candle and saying a novena to Our Lady Untier of Knots that you will get the energy and help that you need. Even if you don’t believe in any religion, positive thinking and positive energy are powerful things. ⚡️⚡️⚡️
Brilliantly done here, HG. This is actually another psychological tool in CBT. The more we make reference to that person, the deeper their memory is ingrained in our mind as ever presence. A haunting that can lead to longing that can lead to breaking NC and not moving forward.
I particularly found your last paragraphs quite powerful and needed.
“Even if you have not been infiltrated, you ought not to mention us in order to diminish the effects of ever presence which are caused by repeated thoughts and discussion about us.”
Amen
I presume that for newly escaped or newly discarded, there is an understanding that there is a benefit to telling your story, it helps heal it by being validated and processing it in a safe place. This is more about those that hang on to the story and talk about the ex over and over for months and years, never moving on.
In the spirit of this post, I am no longer referencing specific exes as it has been the year point and I need the deletion to be complete. Only references I will make is if asked and it will help someone know. If I slip, call me out!
Thank you. I agree with your penultimate paragraph.
I’m sort of playing devil’s advocate here, HG… Isn’t continuing to read and participate in this blog a form of “talking about us” that helps perpetuate ever-presence? Don’t get me wrong — this site is by far the most helpful thing I’ve found in my journey to recovery. I can’t talk to my friends much, because they don’t understand the concept of narcissistic abuse and wonder why I can’t just get over it. They’re tired of hearing about it. I can’t afford therapy. So this site is the support group I needed. But I can’t help thinking there comes a point where maybe it’s helping me hold onto the anger and hurt rather than moving past it. Thoughts?
sadly, I’ve dropped contact with a few people because I wanted to be absolutely certain he could not get any info on me from them… though he probably stopped contact with them in case I exposed him. Just would not take that chance.
As for that, you’re right. Talking about him still happens as I heal but less and less and the less it does, the more I know I’m nearly done healing and that his power is gone to near nothing. Now mostly I talk about what I’ve learned and how I defended myself and how I’m rebuilding. much better topics.
Proof that there’s been a definite shift of the unbalance that was created in myself returning to being properly balanced