A Glimpse of the Future
It is well known that our kind operate by the wearing of masks. We have learned how to portray those emotions which we do not feel. We have ascertained that in certain situations we are expected to respond in a particular way. We know that by donning a particular mask we are more likely to charm and seduce you. We are aware that maintaining a certain mask the vicious malevolence that lurks beneath can be kept in check so that we achieve acceptability and the advancement of our agendas. There are occasions when we will give you a glimpse of what lies beneath this mask. I am not referring to when we whip the mask off and subject you to devaluation. That is a purposeful and intended act on our part. I am not making reference to when the mask fractures as a consequence of the ignition of our fury and the lesser and mid-range of our kind are unable to keep the mask in place so that the ignited fury erupts and the malicious beast is unleashed. There are occasions however when we provide you with a fleeting glance beneath the mask as to what lies beneath. This will happen during the seduction period. Sometimes it is as a consequence of the effect of a particular agent, such as alcohol. Sometimes, especially with the greater of our kind, it is done as deliberate act in order to gauge your reaction. In such an instance, we tell you of what lies ahead to see if you baulk at the suggestion, or that more likely you respond in a sympathetic manner of even by way of denial.
“I couldn’t ever imagine you doing that.”
“That won’t happen with me though. It might have with other people but I will treat you better than they have.”
“You’re not like that, don’t be silly.”
“I don’t see you doing something like that, you are too nice.”
If you respond in such terms when you have been given such a warning, then this is a green light to us that we have you under our control and that you will accord with our desires and machinations. It also allows us, when we do eventually behave in the manner described down the line during the devaluation, to throw it back in your face by saying.
“I did warn you.”
“Why are you complaining? I was upfront that this would happen.”
“I told you so.”
“It’s no use crying about it now. I told you what I was like.”
“I told you and you chose to stay with me. It is your fault.”
Not only does this enable us to avoid blame, something we must achieve, it will also result in you reacting and providing us with fuel.
With the lesser or mid-range of our kind, these comments are more akin to thinking aloud. The mask does slip, unintentionally for a moment, through the explanation of a future behaviour before it is realised what has been said and the disclosure is brushed to one side, denied or passed off as a silly comment owing to drink or being tired. Why do these comments arise in such a manner from the lesser and mid-range of our kind? Is it guilt or remorse? No, because those emotions are not felt by our kind. It arises from a lack of control. The “bad” behaviour that will arise at some point is lurking beneath the surface and like a cat fighting to get out of a sack, it is always wanting to make an appearance but is prevented from doing so by the maintenance of the mask that is worn. Occasionally, through the loss of control – it may be drink, it may be fatigue, it may be through inattention – what lurks beneath makes a brief and fleeting appearance before the control is exerted once again. Here are fifteen portentous show and tells of our kind. Should you ever hear these comments you ought to pay heed to the warning that you are being given.
- I am a bad person really.
- I will only hurt you.
- You should stay away from me.
- I do bad things. I cannot help it. I always do.
- I will make you wish you had never met me.
- It will go wrong, it always does.
- You will end up hating me.
- You don’t know what you are getting into with me.
- You shouldn’t do this.
- You should leave while you can.
- This is going to turn out badly.
- I have to hurt people.
- I don’t want to hurt you, but I will.
- I just want to fit in.
- I’m not what you think I am.
61 thoughts on “A Glimpse of the Future”
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Number 8. Oh how I wish I had understood.
You deserve better
Strangely, his mask slips more easily while texting, eg. he gets frustrated or argumentative more easily to my questions. In person, his mask slips much less. Usually in person, he shows much more cognitive empathy and comforts me if i question him. I’m assuming this is due to the mirroring that occurs in person.
Jenna, the little time in person with my narc, I found him very disarming. That’s why I felt “safe” getting in his car. I felt like he posed a danger to my resolve and my heart, but he acted kind of nervous too. I had almost backed out of meeting because I know from past experience that someone can appear safe and not be. He had talked me into it by saying he wouldn’t touch me unless I wanted him to.
When I got to the hotel parking lot where we had our meet, He kind of seemed like an emotional blank slate at first until I hugged him. And I kept saying how nervous I was and he said “me too. I was so afraid you might back out that I didn’t even realize how nervous I am.” I remember thinking that didn’t make any sense because he does this shit all the time. He told me he’s not met other women in person in years because it’s too risky, but that he trusts me. That I’m the only one who he’s sexting that he wants to fuck in person. But him saying that doesn’t make it true does it?
Still, he said he was nervous and I leaned over to him for a kiss and it started sweet but in a few seconds it was a raging fire. His nervous looks was replaced with lust. And I wondered if he was ever nervous at all?
What does mirroring look like? He would say online that we are both so alike, both needed the same thing from each other. I know that’s verbal mirroring but how can you tell it’s not true? And how is mirroring different in person? How can you tell the person isn’t truly feeling the way they act?
Hi mary, i feel that my ex engaged in true mirroring only while face to face. That’s when he felt he ‘had’ to be nice. Via text, he’s more aggressive since i’m not in front of him. All he sees is a screen. Just my opinion.
Hello Jenna ,
Great observation and my sentiments exactly. After “hello” the conversation went downhill faster than a speeding bullet. I also received messages meant for someone else, which he denied. He mirrored me so much, he’d race out and buy the cheaper version of what I had. Everything and anything I liked, he liked! When he was in my company at least he was half decent, out on his own he was back to his obnoxious self. What a desperate creature he was!
Thankyou
Yw sillyolperson! Ugh he sounds like a weirdo just like mine.
You know what? I won’t go into details but had an ex encounter today and all I could think through his jumble of word salad and nonsense was blah blah blah… yadda yadda,insert nod and yawn. The words “you are nothing but a lesser , nothing but a lesser “kept repeating in my brain.He suddenly looked so unattractive, so pathetic to me that I literally had to bite my tongue from saying mean things( and give him fuel) made me realize, once the fog has lifted…. that so called magic that seemed to surround him, was nothing but a complete illusion. HG thank u for showing me all those tricks he had up his sleeve. Xx
Star, you are right on about this! Once we know the tricks, thanks to HG, we realize the only thing about them that was real was their manipulation. Nothing else is real. The illusion is what we miss, but it loses its potency when you realize that’s all it is.
I’ve found that they often overestimate how ‘obsessed’ some women are with them.
They also underestimate the intelligence of everyone around them….
No we don’t, now put that dunce hat on and get back in the corner and stop turning around and trying to sneak a look at me, I know you are obsessed!
HG you silly psychopath…..
You just wanna poke the bear lmao. You want the ODD doctor to come out and play. You know she doesn’t follow directions and often ‘forgets’ the rules 😜
Also… she’s not afraid to look at you… lol
I bet she’s got that stare down…
Staring contest? Wanna play? 😁🤣😎😘
HG,
I know you fantasize about me in that dunce hat…doing things… looking at you…
Pshhh please 😎😜
Silence and face the wall!
HG,
To be fair… I don’t think I could be silent even if I tried lmao 😂
Come hang out with me in the corner…It’s more fun over here …..
All I took away from that last sentence was:
“Talk more….” lmao 😘
Maybe that’s why I was always in trouble as a kid?
Did anyone else get extremely turned on when HG said “face the wall”?
My online narc said:
“It’s a turn on when you’re insecure. It means I’m in your head.”
“If we meet again, it’s because you want me to violate you.”
“If we meet again, you’re agreeing to this” (referring to a sexting fantasy)
I was alone with him in his car on our one meeting, and he never forced anything. He let me initiate the first hand holding and kiss. I wonder if his demeanor may have changed if we met a second time, like if we got a hotel room and no one was around?
All of these felt like glimpses. I still wonder what are the odds he actually planned on forcing things person if we met again, versus if he was just saying this stuff to get a reaction.
Mary,
I wouldn’t wanna find out. If your intuition says something feels weird then you fucking run. I have def been in some let’s say uncomfortable situations where I basically had to out smart the person so I could ensure nothing bad would happen to me.
I feel like if you are even questioning it you know deep down inside.
Honestly this dude makes me wanna like kick him in the balls.
He might like that. I was sent a video yesterday which (amongst other things) showed two midget women kicking a chap in the nut sack.
Dr. Harleen Quinzel, thank you for your insight on this. I def agree that we have to make our safety a priority. Yet, with my narc, there were perfectly harmless reasons he could have said this stuff. It was all said months AFTER our in person meeting. We shared fantasies, some of them rather dark. He didn’t start saying “forceful” stuff until after I shared that I do fantasize about being forced. How twisted does that make me? I have been forced before and the fantasy and reality are NOT the same. The fantasy is mine to control. But I had it before being raped and I still have it. According to my narc, when he said that shit about “you want me to violate you” he was catering to my fantasy. That’s where I struggle. Ultimately, meeting him in person again could have been safe. Not emotionally, but it’s very possible he was never going to make me do anything. But when I would ask for reassurance of that, he would say “of course I won’t force you. Both of us are free to change our minds about anything we talk about wanting. I’m just making your fantasy as real as possible and you asking these questions kind of ruins it.” And that made sense. Though with my history of assault, i was maybe overly sensitive to his words used in fantasy. And he still managed the “if we meet again, you’re agreeing to this” later on. I will never know if he was just playing along OR if he had sinister motives and wanted this fantasy consent to use against me if he did later get violent.
I feel like I have to analyze and figure out every little thing he said, and know for sure he was deliberately fucking with my head. Otherwise, I cut off someone who might have actually cared and who trusted me with his fantasies. We never had a shot at a forever type of love, but he was special to me and if he was sincere at all with me, it was unfair to just cut him off. I did it for my own sanity but here I am STILL obsessing anyway.
To add to the message above about still obsessing… My head and heart are torn between believing his explanations for the odd things he said versus wondering if he deliberately worded things in a way so he COULD back-pedal if questioned and still have me think he’s safe to share with. If I screwed up a good thing like he said (“killing our relationship”) or if I’m just making excuses for him so I can torture myself.
Lol thatd be a funny vid! They should make an app for that where you can insert your narc and watch them get their balls kicked or a woman get their butt kicked 😄
HG, with regard to your comment re the ball kicking… my narc probably WOULD like it being done to him! Especially if he knew it made the person doing it uncomfortable.
Fair observation.
HG,
Midgets kicking a dude in the nuts? You get some interesting email dontcha?
I’m sure you haven’t lived until a midget has kicked you in the nuts…. lol
You would be staggered to see what arrives in my inbox.
Mary,
if you have to analyze everything he said he’s fulla shit.
If it doesn’t add up, if it feels weird… it’s bullshit.
He’s bullshit.
You’re way better.
😂😂😂
Was the midget beat-down video their wish on your ‘wish for a narc’ poll?
… Because sometimes words are just not enough 😂
Hi mary…that sounds so scary the fact he admitted to his thoughts that way. Thats how my narc is he likes creating insecurity every so often. Its a control tactic. I didnt meet my narc online and you run such a huge risk to your safety doing so. Like online dating id only meet in public for awhile but youre still taking a risk when you eventually are alone together. My 2 narcs i met in person so id known them for awhile before ever meeting in a non public place.
Always trust your gut instinct.
Narc Affair,
Thanks for your thoughts on this. Yes they really like manipulating our insecurities as a means of control. Your suggestion to only meet in public for a while when dating someone new is really smart, and I think it applies regardless of where we meet the person.
I def agree we should trust our gut instincts. I just worry that mine is hypersensitive after being assaulted in college AND the massage therapist gaining my trust. There was also a guy whose kids I babysat in high school and one night, while walking me home (to keep me safe!) he groped me and blew in my ear and tried to grab as I was almost home. I got away from him, but it freaked me out because I had known him many years and he had just seemed like a decent guy. So I have a tendency to attract predatorial types, and don’t want to just assume my online narc is like that because of something he said in fantasy. I don’t want to judge him too harshly based on bad experiences in the past if that makes sense. On the other hand, he knew my history and shouldn’t fuck with my head by phrasing things the way he did. He never needed to add in the “if we meet again, you’re agreeing to this.”
Hi Mary .
The kicking in the nuts is all about control .
Firstly they coerce you into doing something they know will repulse you ( control) and secondly they get a kick out of it & want to submit their control if only for a short time. ( am I correct HG?)
I did the ball kicking thing, squashed, bitten, stood on with stiletto heels, tied up & punched. I apologise if it sounds vulgar but it’s the truth sadly.
Things progressed rapidly from there, I wont go into anymore detail .
Needless to say that he’s messing with your head .
Don’t do it Mary .
NNS x
Mine said:
“Should I leave you be? It wouldn’t be fair for me to use my years of experience at this to manipulate your feelings?”
“It’s a turn on when you’re insecure. It means I’m in your head.”
“If we meet again, it’s because you want me to violate you.”
“If we meet again, you’re agreeing to this” (referring to a sexting fantasy)
I was alone with him in his car on our one meeting, and he never forced anything. He let me initiate the first hand holding and kiss. Would this have changed the second time? Or if we got a hotel room and no one was around?
HG, I have a question for you. All of these felt like glimpses. In your opinion, what are the odds he actually planned on forcing things person if we met again, versus he was just saying this stuff to get a reaction?
More likely to get a reaction although it depends on the type of narcissist and the fuel matrix at the time.
Thank you, HG.
I now have a list headed: When He Shows You Who He Is, Believe Him.
On meeting a new man I make note of any red flags. They might seem innocuous on the surface, but if my intuition feels slighty off about something, I add it to the list.
It might seem a tad analytical, but I need to protect myself.
19. You can’t handle me.
He said, “I don’t want to hurt you”. I took note of it. My list was getting too long for my liking.
Looking back my narc had a lot of “show and tells”…
1. Fetish for married women. He was showing me his true intention. I was a fetish to him not a person hed develop true feelings for. Someone to use.
2. He commented on how i was an empath which was a new term to me. He was telling me he knew what i was and indirectly targeting me.
3. Hed tell me he wanted me clingey and addicted to him. Any healthy petson wouldnt want this. He was telling me he wanted me this way to control me.
4. He said he gets bored easily setting the stage for his shelfing tendencies.
5. His twisted sense of humor over others being angry or upset. He was showing me his true character in not having empathy and enjoying other misfortunes and emotional struggles.
So many tell tale signs but i didnt want to see them and was too enthralled in the bask of the golden period. Live and learn.
Narc Affair,
Number 3 on your list… my narc said things like that too. He said very early on “I won’t ask you not to get attached to me” which was odd because I wasn’t attached at that point. Later he would tell me he liked me being so desperate and needy for him.
🤦♀️
Dear Mr Tudor,
My friend always said right up front “I’m not normal” and “if people don’t like who I am, there’s the door”! He repeatedly asked me “Am I getting under your skin?” My answer was always “no”. He also made it known “I can and have disappeared for days at a time”. He was very secretive, only told me what he wanted me to know! I had numerous “red flags”, however because he suffered PTSD, (a very precarious situation) that appeared normal! I didn’t realise at the time, he was a narcissist, so I got a double whammy! My desire to help people, very much clouded my better judgement! One should always always go along with one’s female intuition! It’s always right!
Another enriching and important article
Thankyou
“Should I leave you be? It wouldn’t be fair for me to use my years of experience at this to manipulate your feelings?”
“It’s a turn on when you’re insecure. It means I’m in your head.”
“If we meet again, it’s because you want me to violate you.”
“If we meet again, you’re agreeing to this” (referring to a sexting fantasy)
I was alone with him in his car on our one meeting, and he never forced anything. He let me initiate the first hand holding and kiss. Would this have changed the second time? Or if we got a hotel room and no one was around?
HG, I have a question for you. All of these felt like glimpses. In your opinion, what are the odds he actually planned on forcing things person if we met again, versus he was just saying this stuff to get a reaction?
Mine said “I am bad” and seemed depressed in saying this.
Seemed.
I always wondered why my ex confessed to me on the second night that he cheated on his wife with prostitutes and a neighbour. I always thought that maybe he was scared she’d tell me, but we never talked, and when I sent her a message a couple of years ago, she ignored it. Could he have tested me by telling me? He cheated on me as well. I just never saw his motivation behind telling me that because surely he must have known I’d not be pleased.
There was also one time a couple of months into the relationship. I don’t even remember what brought that comment about but I do remember we were standing on a tram in Budapest, and he told me how he severely disliked his wife towards the end and told her things like “do you see that dirt on the ground? That’s you”. I remember my eyed were fixed on the dirty floor of the tram and I felt nauseous, then I looked up at him and said “will you ever be like that to me?”. I don’t know, maybe I knew it, deep down inside. He told me that no, it’s different with me, he could never be mean to me. Maybe that was also what you describe in this post. Thing is, he never said anything like that to me. He never said anything mean or hurtful, what he did (mostly behind my back) is a whole other story though.
Buda or Pest?
Are you being weird, HG? This happened in Buda, although we were staying in Pest as both of my parents grew up in Pest and lived there until 1972 when they got married and fled, so mum still has an apartment in Pest which I can use whenever I’m there. Not sure what we’ve eaten that day though.
Not at all. Many people do not realise that Budapest is actually Buda and Pest.
I have to say I was a little impressed that you knew, but I wasn’t going to mention it because of perhaps obvious reason. But now I mentioned it anyway.
Thank you.
I learning a lot from you, I’m not a narcissist (I’m the other).
“Should I leave you be? It wouldn’t be fair for me to use my years of experience at this to manipulate your feelings?”
“It’s a turn on when you’re insecure. It means I’m in your head.”
“If we meet again, it’s because you want me to violate you.”
“If we meet again, you’re agreeing to this” (referring to a sexting fantasy)
I was alone with him in his car on our one meeting, and he never forced anything. He let me initiate the first hand holding and kiss. Would this have changed the second time? Or if we got a hotel room and no one was around?
HG, I have a question for you. All of these felt like glimpses. In your opinion, what are the odds he actually planned on forcing things person if we met again, versus he was just saying this stuff to get a reaction?
Once when I asked him where he told his wife he was, he said “oh I can lie my way out of anything”, then he looked surprised like he had admitted something he hadn’t wanted to. When I first read the title of this I thought you were speaking of something different. Sometimes his face would look so sweet and boyish and then on the turn of a dime he could look at me and I could swear I saw Satan behind his eyes. ( I don’t believe in Satan but if he did exist, I believe he would look like that) It chilled me to the bone. He took a picture of himself once with that look and sent it to me. I thought I was seeing things but when I showed it to a friend she said “that is so creepy, I can’t even look at it”. My daughter, from the very beginning, told me she thought he was creepy. I should have listened to her. Do you give this look
from time to time?
RS
After a few drinks during the GP Narcy said: ‘If you only knew all the bad things I’ve done when I was younger…’ he didn’t finish the sentence. He was smiling at me. I was disturbed by this part revelation. I replied, ‘ Why, what have you done?’
He said, ‘I’m not going to tell you.’ I asked him if he’d been in prison. He chuckled as if he was relieved by my question and confirmed he’d never been in prison.
I wasn’t satisfied yet I didn’t heed the warning; I thought, wrongly, if he didn’t have a criminal past his badness couldn’t be, well, bad… How wrong I was… HG I’m guessing that my (reluctant) acceptance was enough to convince him I would be good supply?
Correct.
HG – I appreciate your honesty. Broken, angry, disillusioned _________ (insert as needed) as I feel, I find that I can at least get the raw, unfiltered data that I need to unknot the suspended reality that I have lived in the last 18 months. I fear that the obsession with the narc can quickly turn into the obsession of understanding the narc. Isn’t this duality also the addiction and thus can it really help one recover? Food for thought… or for you…
Brings back memories. He said all those things and more. Always after a reaction from me. I always responded with, you’re not like that at all, you’re too nice / sensible / lovely / caring / kind / helpful (my conclusion based on things he told me as he mirrored me). I was besotted with him. In the end he must’ve got fed up of not getting a reaction because i do recall him staring at me intensely several times over the weeks and saying “I’m a sociopath”. Was utterly hypnotised by him as he stared at me, I don’t even remember what I answered. “I love you so much, sex god” perhaps!?
Wow! Nr. 6 and Nr. 15 is exactly what the N. told me back then. I had no idea at that point. If they only knew that they are neither as special nor as unique as they think they are. Always the same phrases and machinations.
As opposed to empathic people – do “normal” people just not put up with a narcissist’s nonsense?
Generally they do not. They tend to see the love-bombing as over bearing and back off or if not and they are later devalued they are more likely to see it as someone being an arsehole (they won’t spot it is narcissism unless had some prior experience) and they break away. Not always, but way more often than an empathic person.
16. I am not an affectionate person.
17. I don’t mean to be insulting, I just am insulting.
18. People as miserable as I am should just die.
He told me in the first hour of meeting; “Women tell me they love me very quickly, but once they get to know me they don’t like me”. Alarm bells rang, but I thought he was being self effacing. Oh, how I should have believed him!