House of Discards
The discard. The end of the road, or so you might think. I have mentioned previously that I am of the view that the cessation of our current involvement with you would be better regarded as a dis-engagement because it is temporary in nature. When we bring the current relationship to a halt and there are many ways we achieve this, we will, at some point, return ready to hoover and therefore the discard is really a temporary act unless there is some intervening act. Nevertheless, I will continue to use discard because it is common parlance in the narcissistic debate and it is faster to type than dis-engage. The act of discarding you can occur in many ways but they belong to one of the five houses of discarding. Whilst we are creatures of economy and conservation of our energy and thus exhibit repeated and patterned behaviours, we are not so intransigent as to adopt differing methods of discard should the occasion merit it. Those differences may manifest from victim to victim or you may find yourself on the receiving end of several variants of discards from our kind. Whatever they may be, you will find the method used will belong to one of these five houses.
- The Vanishing Act
Probably the most popular form of discard. As far as you were concerned we were both in a relationship. Admittedly, matters had been difficult if not downright awful for some time, punctuated with periods of respite, but now we have just vanished. You cannot get in contact with us. You have rung our number and if it has not been changed or you have been blocked, it has just rung and rung. You have left repeated voicemails asking where we are, each more fraught that the one before it. Your texts have filled up our inboxes. Enquiries of friends have proven fruitless. Your calls have always been held up by the switchboard or a secretary at work and you have seen neither hide nor hair of us. The days accumulate and there is just a void. This discard is a massive silent treatment. It will take you some time before you realise that you have been discarded and often this comes by way of inference and implication. You are not told to your face or in a message that it has ended. Instead you learnt that we have been seen with someone else in a romantic clinch in a bar or walking down the road. You keep trying to obtain answers but they are not forthcoming. It is bewildering upsetting and hurtful. It is all by design.
You may interpret this form of discard as appearing cowardly on our part, that we could not even face telling you that it was over. It is nothing to do with cowardice. This method of discard happens for the following reasons: –
- We are utterly infatuated with the new primary source which we have ensnared so she is all that matters and you are reduced to an afterthought purely for sucking the last few drops of fuel from, before we delete you;
- We draw one last burst of fuel from your frenetic attempts to contact us. We may see your messages, we may listen to your voicemails and we may even watch you desperately knocking at our door as we peek through the blinds. This all provides us with fuel. Even if we do not witness your attempts to contact us, we still draw fuel from knowing how you will have reacted to this callous act. Once we have drawn this fuel we then forget about you (until it is time to hoover) which makes the silent treatment that this form of discard is, easier to elongate;
- The manner in which it is utilised is designed to annoy and upset. You are made to feel worthless. You did not even merit an explanation. We see no reason to provide one to you. You are worthless in our eyes;
- It reinforces our idea of omnipotence. You are a chess piece which is picked up and moved round the board and we decide when and where you move.
- The Savage Strike
This is where you are told that it is at an end. There can be no doubt in your mind with this particular discard, compared to the Vanishing Act. You are told in no uncertain terms that it is over and you are told precisely why we have decided that it is over.
“I am sick of the sight of you. You are pathetic and I realised I cannot be with someone like you.”
“You are selfish. I do so much for you, yet you never think about me.”
“You think more of the children than you do of me.”
“You have put weight on. I am repulsed by you actually.”
“You don’t make any effort anymore. You dress down, never do anything and I hate it when a bitch lets herself slide.”
“You are a parasite and I cannot stand you taking from me any longer.”
These are but a selection of the horrible and harsh words that will be thrown in your direction. You will be the one to blame for the demise of the relationship. We have been forced to take this action and now we hate you for it. We will insult you, label you and lash out with a verbal tirade. Very little of this will be based on a foundation of truth, but this will not stop us. This approach is adopted for the following reasons: –
- To obtain fuel from you by making you upset and angry, hurt and fearful.
- To identify things which are wrong with you so that you obsess about them. This undermines your confidence and means you will struggle (along with everything else) to move forward which makes hoovering you easier.
- If you make changes based on our insults, then when we hoover, we will see this as underlining our power because you have acted on what we have said.
- There may even be some early triangulation by us comparing you to the new primary source if we decide to twist the knife and tell you that we are leaving you for someone else.
- The Wedge
This discard is so-called because it is designed to keep the door well and truly open for our return and an easy hoover at some future juncture. It lacks the viciousness of the Savage Strike but also applies doubt in the same way as the Vanishing Act but you will at least know why (or at least you will be given some suggestion as to why it is at an end). Expect to hear comments such as: –
“I need some space.”
“I have a lot on and I need time to deal with those other things.”
“I am not sure what I want at the moment.”
“I need time apart to figure a few things out.”
We will not point to anything specific but instead we will rely on amorphous and vague observations all revolving around needing time and space. The ideas behind this form of discard are as follows: –
- It makes us seem like some kind of deep troubled soul which is both intriguing (so it keeps your interest) and draws sympathy (fuel);
- It keeps you hanging on because we make it sound temporary in nature. We just need time to work things out (chase down the new primary source) and therefore you are given the hope that we will come back;
- It creates doubt and confusion so you will not move forward but instead you will hang around waiting for our return;
- You will keep trying to “check in” with us during this discard period which will give us further fuel and allow us to triangulate you (“she is just a friend who is helping me gain perspective”).
- The Golden Wedge
As above but you actually receive a host of back-handed compliments as part of the leaving speech.
“You have been nothing but good for me, but sometimes it is too much so I need a break.”
“You have done more than most, but even that has not been enough and I just some time to figure things out.”
“You are wonderful, wonderful in so many ways. I love you, but I am not in love with you, so I need to be apart until I get that feeling back.”
“Nobody is as special as you are but even then it is too much for someone like me and I need to stand back and decide what I need before moving forward. I know you will understand, you always do.”
Akin to the Wedge this is designed to: –
- Have you think we are still wonderful because we have been so complimentary about you even though we are ending the relationship. Fuel will be forthcoming;
- Sow doubt. If you are so good, why are we sending it? Vague and amorphous answers once again follow to keep you hanging on;
- The terms of departure are as amicable as possible meaning that the eventual hoover is very easy;
- You retain hope and keep “checking in” during the period of discard. We gain fuel.
- Our façade is maintained
5 The False Discard
This is not intended to be a discard although if that does actually happen (although it is rare) we will still manipulate the situation so that it turns out to be a win for us. We will appear earnest and upset as we trot out such comments as: –
“This isn’t working is it? I can see I am hurting you. Perhaps you should end it?”
“Just let me go, please.”
“I am not good enough for you. Please, do the right thing and end it.”
“We’ve taken this as far as we can. It has been wonderful but I think you should draw a line under it, don’t you?”
“Please, just put me out of my misery. I cannot do this to you anymore.”
The intention is to cause you to be alarmed at the suggestion that this should end and therefore you will pour fuel our way with your upset and concern. It allows us to assert more control as we extort from you, your additional submission and obedience as conditions for us staying. Accordingly, we make you upset and anxious before agreeing to continue. We have gained fuel, gained new concessions from you, gained further fuel from your relief but also sowed seeds of doubt which will keep you on your toes going forward.
If in the rare event that you do what we want, we still win. We will have a new primary source waiting as a contingency and then we can tell all and sundry that you ended the relationship. This means we can seek sympathy from other sources, cast you as the villain (assisting our smear campaign) and engaging with the new primary source in the knowledge that you ended it so we are free to choose who we want to be with (conveniently forgetting that we of course had them already lined up and we pressed your finger on the trigger which killed the relationship).
31 thoughts on “House of Discards”
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Hello HG, I crave your wisdom.
An enlightening blog post. Thank you. The Savage Strike followed a decade of being a provider of fuel. The narc made it clear that any illusion I had conjured of being in a relationship were one sided and false. It was done with surgical precision, brutal power, and venom. You would have been so proud.
However, the puzzle is this: the preceding months were characterised by comments akin to The Wedge accompanied by behaviours I’ve seen mentioned before by other victims. One example is: “when your narc was getting ready to discard did they go distant, say they were depressed and needed some space to sort their head out”. A second is illustrated by Anonymous (9 July) “I thought he was going through a midlife crisis, depressed, or maybe actually mentally ill.”
Can you explain why they act like this and what motivates it please? After two years of a painful journey towards recovery and an understanding of my own co-dependancy this is the last piece of the puzzle to elude me. I have theories based on extensive reading, but found nothing specific. However I am sure you know. Won’t you enlighten us further.
Thank you.
I would like to know if my narc has discarded me finally. Things have not been good for awhile (well ever) and we have been somewhat distant for the last couple of months, but 1 month ago he simply said “I think we should go separate ways as I have said.” I reacted with shock and desperately begged him not to cut me out, that I loved him, would do whatever he wanted, etc. He did not respond. He has not contacted me in 24 days since then.
I know I shouldn’t want him back but I also don’t have closure (I know there is never any in this situation). My heart is racing every day wondering if he is going to reach out.
Your thoughts? Has he moved on? Is he playing a game? Is he confused? Is he hurt?
He has disengaged from you and the lack of contact is either because he has a new IPPS who he is in a golden period with or you triggered dis-engagement through something you had done.
Is he confused? No.
Is he hurt? No – but he may well pretend to be dependent on the school of narcissist that he is.
Will he hoover you? Not at present, but he is likely to in the future subject to the Hoover Trigger being activated and the Hoover Execution Criteria being met.
Hey Mr Tudor. My long comment on this post is still awaiting moderation and I’d be super happy to get an answer from you soon xx
Where does this fall. He said , I can’t. No real explanation when I asked if it was me he no it’s everything around you. Again repeatedly emphasized. I can’t. Never said goodbye won’t reply to my messages. Left it completely up in the air. I asked if I would hear from him again. Should I consider this over and move on..nothing but silence for over a month. He told me he fell in love with me the day before he started distancing himself.
I’m sorry, Jess..I escaped mine after 5 years and have been gone for almost 2 months. He didn’t talk to me, even though I repeatedly contacted him, for 10 days And when he did respond it was to blame me for everything that happened and tell me that he wasn’t sure what he wanted, he “loved” me but I broke his trust, had the audacity to tell me that when we met that I was someone who was going somewhere in life (when he did everything in his power to isolate me and convince me to give up my career, possessions, etc.I’m still amazed at how that happened!)..I would laugh at all of his immaturity, insane responses and the fact that he will only talk through text (he mostly just drunk texts me) if it still didn’t hurt so much.
I think the entire thing in my case is a bit blurred when it comes to discard vs. escape. Maybe that’s standard behaviour though for (certain kinds of) narcs.
Basically, the past few months of the relationship have been an utterly insane up and down. Which is why I thought he was going through a midlife crisis, depressed, or maybe actually mentally ill. I asked him many times if he wants to end the relationship. I also told him that if he wants it to end and doesn’t want to be the bad guy and waits for me to end it, to just say it because his behaviour was making him the bad guy anyway so no point in this pathetic charade.
When I asked him if we should break up, I got “no”, “I don’t know” or “maybe we should”. He never actually wanted it though. Just before Christmas, I had enough and thought “fuck this shit” and gave him the silent treatment. He ended up messaging me twice before I decided to respond. I didn’t know at the time that this was probably “hoovering”. Things were sort of ok then.
In March, he sent an email saying he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone. So I said “yes, ok” and when we met three weeks later he completely denied he ever said that and gave me perhaps a semi-golden period. He constantly held my hand, stroked my hand, kissed me, told me he’s going to move, all that shit. Again three weeks later I found out about the cheating and I ended it. I don’t know if this was a complete escape though because god, I don’t know anything anymore.
He has done the golden wedge thing all the time. He constantly said I’m wonderful, beautiful, awesome, amazing and so on and so forth. He never said he wasn’t in love with me though. He always claimed things that supposedly weren’t within his control when he said he wasn’t sure about the relationship (i.e. job situation, moving, etc.). He was always adamant that if I moved or had moved, it’d all be different. Of course we all know that’s a load of crap but maybe he actually believes it.
gypsylee73 says recovery is like a spiral and I guess that probably explains why I’m feeling rather shit about things again and confused about what even happened (i.e. discard vs. escape) and think there’s a point in trying to understand his brain when he doesn’t even understand it himself.
TLDR: FML
Thanks for sharing this Anonymous. It’s clarified something for me. My experience was in some ways similar “the past few months of the relationship have been an utterly insane up and down. Which is why I thought he was going through a midlife crisis, depressed, or maybe actually mentally ill.” I too thought my ex (narc) was suffering some kind of mental breakdown too. He gave all the appearance of being in crisis of some sort. My response was (despite the fact I was also in crisis and received no support in return) to try and support and console him as much as I could. I was kind, sympathetic, understanding and tried to rearrange my life to take away the burdens of his (despite my own massive stresses and unhappiness). It was a difficult and bewildering time. My every good and logical suggestion was met with disparagement and rejection. It left me feeling baffled and helpless, and desparate. I’ve left a comment for HG, maybe he can shed some light on this behaviour. I hope so. Be strong.
My advice (if you want it) after 2 years of suffering a long and slow recovery, don’t try to understand it, don’t waste a minute thinking about him, just focus on forgetting him, and what he did, and move on. Focus on you, what you need, and your future. Good luck.
Dear Mr Tudor,
My friend gave me the “The Wedgy” … No 3!
He has only ever approached me face to face, twice. I responded, by text twice, and on the 2nd text he “stipulated” I could text him every second day, but keep it short and not to discuss certain topics and definitely not allowed to visit anymore, to his surprise, I ended it there n then.
Your articles never cease to amaze me!
Thank you
Ok soo.. I’ve seen the savage strike a few times and one or two times the golden wedge and the false discard. Basically the reason why he can’t be with me is that he keeps claiming we don’t fit ( related to him not respecting me or caring about me and me expecting him to) but he also said alot of times that he hates me, the whole relationship was shit because of me, I am annoying the fuck outta him look at my face and so on and so on.what happens now is that even though we have officially “broken up” several times we still live together and he acts kinda nice and normal even kissing me hello and goodbye and so on. Then again he tends to get annoyed when we get too close again because it’s too much me around him and then he wants to be left alone or would freak out as usual. Why would he not make an act to move out or talk about me moving out? Even though he already hates me and did the worst violent behaviour already.. what are his intentions? What is he planning and why is he “keeping ” me if he doesn’t care anymore? He has no new primary source to eliminate that right away. And he says I love you sometimes when we’re close or sends hearts a few times. I don’t get it and would be glad if you could answer my questions Mr tudor. Thanks in advance!!
So my ex always used to say I never wrote him letters. If I did he would say he never read them later on… or is that just what he was telling me this because of the hurt value? It seems he wouldn’t want to pass up a chance and love and adoration. Right?
Hi H.G.
I have a question:
If I’m the one who left, and if course we all know how terrible I’ve been (not lately, though) about keeping No Contact, and of course I begged to go back (yuck) but he still said things very similar to The Wedge/Golden Wedge. That is still the Discard, right?
This is why I’m feeling upset and confused…
Just wondering and jounaling now to get it all straight on paper so I can get it straight in my head.
Thanks
Do you mean you escaped but then you begged to go back and he refused and did so saying comments a la the Golden Wedge?
Exactly~ He will never say it’s over, but he will never say it’s on, and he still refuses to send my belongings to me.
What is it called when you delete them from social media while they’re giving you silent treatment and then they text and try to turn it around on you and say you did something wrong? And they also say that they don’t think it would work out between the two of you as if it were their idea? Is this an escape or being disengaged?
What about when he says, “do you want to separate, or what?” I say yes and tell him what I need to happen. I escape and have been no contact for a week.
He was testing his control and found it to be wanting or he wanted to dis-engage as he has a new IPPS in the wings and allowed you to make the decision to go so he can blame you for the separation and preserve the facade.
HG, you very often say in relation to discards that there are hoovers but sometimes the narcissist does not want the victim back in the formal relationship or even want them back at all, the hoovers can be just for fuel or triangulation or even revenge . So based on that , there is a final disgard of the relationship because the narc never has a relationship again with that person . They do move on ?
There is the end of the Formal Relationship boyfriend and girlfriend (your world) and narcissist and IPPS (our world) but then the Formal Relationship becomes friends (your world ) narc and NISS (our world) or acquaintances (your world) narc and TS (our world). The Narcissistic Relationship of you belonging to us forever prevails. Accordingly, in the FR the dynamic alters but there is no discard and in the NR there is no discard as this is a constant.
Thanks HG, so for example with my ex narcissist he has a history of relationships I’m talking in my world now and how the world views them . Some of lasted 2 – 7 years , with some time spent single in between . He’s 50 and never married and no children . To the world he could look like a serial maganominist but has never met the one . Sometimes the woman has finally ended it and moved on meeting someone new and sometimes he has ended it ( they were all psychos lol). Sometimes he has ended it.
He has no contact with these exes , some are now married with children etc .
If you take what I have said as being true and its not his lies as I do know some of these women . I don’t believe any of them provide any interest or fuel to him. The only purpose they serve is in him talking about he is a victim of them all , maybe that is the fuel ? But seems unlikely ?
Does he somehow think he could get these women back if he wanted to , even though these relationships go back years ago and the women are married ? I’m not sure how they still belong to him ?
I am not sure about this….mine is definitely a Narc, but he has to control everything, and I mean everything. We parted back in March, he did his usual block me from everything when I called him out on his crap….I did hurt his ego as he didn’t think I would do it….he has never, ever hoovered, and has blocked every single way of communication to him….he loves that control. He won’t break it either because that would be giving it up.
I have contacted him about once a month or so, I am trying to break it down because I want to get him back so I can get revenge on him….to do him what he did to me. I do have your book about it, but nothing will work if he doesn’t hoover and he won’t. So now what?
God damn! It’s a good thing you are there and WAY out of my league because I would be such an easy target for you!
Would that be a Sitting Target RS?
I concur RS.
Oh my, someone isn’t really absorbing anything about Narcs….yikes.
By the way, do you speak other languages?
Bien sur.
Ahem…😎
None of the situations apply to me as I am the one who left. I do love your words though! I look up and learn new ones every day from reading your blog. It’s almost a sexual thing to me when someone uses words that are rarely heard and need to be looked up. ( rarely heard in normal conversation) … very sexy indeed!
RS
Good.