The Empathic Supernova
What is the Empathic Supernova?
In order to detail this phenomenon, it is first necessary to consider when it might appear and what is behind its appearance.
The repeated application of our manipulations is deployed for the purposes of maintaining control over you. This control reinforces our notion of superiority, omnipotence and impregnability and enables us to draw fuel from our appliances and most of all you as our primary source.
I have made mention of the Empathic Group, the group which lies to the left of the empathic-narcissistic spectrum and within this group there are three schools of the empathic individual; the Co-Dependent, the Super Empath and the Empath.
The sustained application of the many and varied manipulations produces results for us. It also takes its toll on our victims. The Co-Dependent will cling on, desperate for the self-definition which manifests as a consequence of their ensnarement with us. They will soak up the abuse, the confusion and the control until they reach a point of breakdown. The cumulative effect of the silent treatments, the gas lighting, the physical abuse, the psychological trauma, financial mistreatment and sexual degradation eventually causes the limpet-like Co-Dependent to collapse into numbness, malfunction and potential hospitalisation. They gave and gave until suddenly they fell off the cliff and their fuel provision remained impressive on Monday and by Tuesday it had stopped. No longer capable of pumping out fuel, attending to our requirements and showering us with appropriate traits and residual benefits, this failure to function invariably brings about the discard of this individual. The discarded Co-Dependent, although distraught at the loss of the narcissist which they crave, is in no position to try to bring about the resumption of the relationship and thus, whilst we focus on their replacement primary source, they are allowed a period by which they can recover and once the lights switch back on again and the fuel starts to pump, the devaluation of their replacement has begun, so we come looking and hoovering for the Co-Dependent. Unable to resist, because of the nature of the hoovering and their own vulnerability, they are hoovered back in and the narcissistic cycle continues.
Whilst third parties may try to assist the Co-Dependent to see and understand what has happened to them, their own substantial need to connect with a narcissist means it is very hard to make them take notice and stay away from us. Unless physically removed and isolated, the Co-Dependent will drift back to us. If not the original narcissist, a replacement narcissist will invariably be found.
The empathic-narcissistic spectrum is a sliding scale that represents both empathic and narcissistic traits. On the far left the empathic traits are more numerous and stronger whilst the narcissistic traits are fewer and weaker. Move to the right and the empathic traits begin to lessen in number, their effects less evident and the narcissistic traits begin to increase and become more prevalent. Eventually, as one reaches the Narcissistic Group, on the right of this spectrum, the empathic traits have disappeared and all that remain are narcissistic traits which become more numerous and stronger the further right one goes within this Narcissistic Group.
Accordingly, with the Co-Dependent, he or she will have many empathic traits and they are strong in nature. Their devotion to love, their honesty, decency, excellent listening skills, positivity etc are most evident and contribute to create a highly empathic individual. The narcissistic traits are almost invisible and the few that exist are weak. Accordingly, this prevalence of empathic traits attracts and is attracted to the prevalence of extensive and strong narcissistic traits. They locked together, complementing one another and consequently the Co-Dependent is inexorably drawn to those within the Narcissistic Group, with next to nothing in terms of their own narcissistic traits to act as some kind of repellant.
The Empath may also find themselves shutting down, but more usually they are prevented from reaching a position of complete numbing though the intervention of a third party. Sure enough the toll exacted on the Empath is considerable and has damaging consequences, but, in general, they manage to avoid more often the fate of the Co-Dependent. Instead, rather than giving and giving until shut down occurs (as is the case with the Co-Dependent) the Empath’s performance deteriorates in terms of fuel output in a more gradual fashion which means that when it dips below a threshold of acceptability for our kind, the Empath is also discarded. Not so damaged as to be unable to function, the Empath will endeavour to re-connect with our kind, having sufficient energy and ability to do so, but they will be shunned as part of this discard until it is time to hoover them. Unaware of what they have been ensnared by and with capabilities improved after a period of respite arising from the discard, the Empath is sucked back in by the narcissist and thus the narcissistic cycle continues.
The Empath however may also realise that something is wrong, or assisted by third parties and more amenable to listening, takes notice of what these third parties are telling him or her. They have a moment of ‘awakening’ and with that realise that they must remain away from our grip, however hurtful and hard it may be and thus they eventually escape, putting distance between them and our kind.
The Empath has numerous empathic traits and they are of strength but they are not on the same scale as the Co-Dependent. The Empath will have some narcissistic traits, not many and not especially strong in nature, but they will have more narcissistic traits than the Co-Dependent. Their status as an Empath (along with the fact that there are more Empaths than Co-Dependents) means that Empaths become the bread and butter target for our kind. They too are attracted to us, not with the almost hopeless vulnerability of the Co-Dependent, but they remain not only attracted to our kind but a target.
Finally, there is the Super Empath. The Super Empath is an excellent provider of fuel also and comes with a confidence and a fieriness which proves most tempting to our kind. The Super Empath sees his or her role as helping, fixing, healing and brining goodness to those around them. They have considerable energy, they are capable and their capacity for sustaining our abuses also makes them a considerably attractive prospect. The Co-Dependent can sustain considerable abuse until suddenly, like a light being extinguished, that is it. The Empath also can sustain our manipulations but their slide is slower and more gradual. The Super Empath, blessed with a vast capacity for empathy and goodness is also somebody who can sustain a lengthy campaign of abuse. There is no slide downwards with this individual like the Empath. There is no sudden collapse like the Co-Dependent. Instead the Super Empath goes in to Supernova mode.
The trait make-up of the Super Empath is different from their cousins in the Empathic Group. Whereas the Co-Dependent has strong and many empathic traits with little and low narcissistic traits and the Empath has few and fairly low narcissistic traits but more and quite strong empathic traits, the Super Empath has a different constitution.
The Super Empath has very strong and numerous empathic traits. He or she also has a number of narcissistic traits (more than the Co-Dependent and the Empath but not as many as the Narcissistic Group) and they are stronger in nature than those experienced by the Co-Dependent and the Empath.
This arrangement is not problematic. Liken the Super Empath’s narcissistic make-up to the light from a candle and their empathic make-up the light from a spotlight. The intensity of the spotlight is so bright that the candle light is barely noticed. Accordingly, the narcissistic element to the Super Empath does not appear. The Super Empath behaves in an empathic way and thus is a target for our kind.
There comes a time however when the sustained abuse and the awareness of the Super Empath reaches a critical point. Rather than switch off or slide into decline, the Super Empath will decide that enough is enough. In some instances, this means that the Super Empath will escape and follow a similar route to that of the Empath and distance themselves from the narcissist.
On other occasions they enter into Supernova mode. When this happens, the Super Empath will dim their empathic traits. This can only be dimming. The empathic traits cannot be shut off as they are wired into the empath’s dna. Moreover, this dimming can only continue for a period of time and is not permanent. The naturally strong empathic nature of the Super Empath means that it will blaze bright again.
However, when this dimming takes places, the gap between empathy and narcissism in the Super Empath lessens so that the narcissistic traits are more prevalent. They do not dominate nor do they take over, but they are allowed to ‘shine’. However, whereas in our kind the application of our narcissistic traits is unfettered since we have no empathic traits and thus these traits are directed in a malevolent, harmful and destructive manner, the Super Empath uses these unleashed narcissistic traits for ‘good’.
This means that they will fight back against our kind and remain in the relationship with us. They will shut off the fuel provision, they will engage in manipulation of us, having learned how to effect it form their accompanying journey with out kind. The Super Empath will wound and wound, striking blow upon blow against the narcissist. It is worth pointing out that the Super Empath does not necessarily know that they are with a narcissist (they may only realise this later) but rather they know that something is very wrong in the relationship and it must no longer continue.
Thus when some people ask the question
“Can you become a narcissist from being with a narcissist?”
or
“Can I pick up narcissistic traits from my experience of being entangled with a narcissist?”
The answer remains no.
But, if you find that you are exhibiting such traits and you are deploying them against the narcissist, what has happened is that you are allowing your inherent narcissistic traits to have greater prominence. You keep them under control and you are not allowing them to harm or hurt innocent parties, but rather you are applying them against the narcissist in order to strike back. You always had these traits, you have not gained them by being with us, but what you have learned is how to manipulate from being with us and now you are turning those manipulations against us.
The effect against us is varied.
The Lesser Narcissist will discard immediately with a display of ignited fury as he seeks to escape the turning of the tables. He will need to get away from this empowered Super Empath and find a new primary source straight away. He wants to shrink from this blazing supernova of power which is causing him considerable difficulty through the cessation of fuel and the wounding from repeated criticism.
The Mid-Range Narcissist will find himself in a tormented loop as he tries to assert control. He will not comprehend truly what is happening. He will not want to lose the Super Empath owing to the fuel provision, but he is finding that his ability to manipulate and the reasonable degree of calculation that he has, is being sorely tested. He will try to assert his control through passive aggressive means, even pleading with the Super Empath to stop and ‘why can’t you be good to me again’? He will roll out the pity plays and sympathy cards in order to try to achieve superiority again. However, either the Super Empath decides to escape and leaves the Mid-Ranger in a confused and bewildered state or the Mid-Ranger slinks away and discards,unable to sustain the fight and needing a new and far more compliant primary source.
The Greater Narcissist will rail against this insurrection and fight back. He will draw on fuel from alternative sources (usually the IPSS or IPSSs he has in the wings along with fuel form those NISS who are his inner and outer circle friends). He will relish the challenge shown by the Super Empath and a real battle of wills ensues as each combatant deploys manipulation after manipulation against one another. This hammer and tongs clash of the titans sees the Super Empath applying what they have learned, similar to the apprentice turning on his or her master, as the old hand seeks to slap down the irreverent upstart. The Super Empath may withdraw and escape, satisfied that they have made their mark and scarred the Greater. The Greater may ultimately recognise that only a stalemate (for now) can ensue and breaks off, discarding the Super Empath and focusses on the acquisition of a new primary source (or more likely the promotion of an already ensnared IPSS). The Greater however will not leave matters there. A note will be made to rejoin battle in due course and bring the Super Empath to heel.
Thus the Empathic Supernova is when the Super Empath determines that enough is enough and he or she reduces their empathic traits, allowing the narcissistic traits to come to the fore and in so doing he or she trains their sights on making life difficult, miserable and awkward for the narcissist. This is why our kind proceed with caution with the Super Empath. Their capacity for sucking up the abusive devaluation and their impressive fuel provision is tempting indeed, but reaching the critical point and causing the ignition of the Empathic Supernova can have dire consequences for our kind.
Not for me of course. I relish the challenge and the assertion of hegemonic dominance. Obviously.
88 thoughts on “The Empathic Supernova”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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My degree’s in mental health, I knew what my ex was, half way in. Stayed anyway. Loved him. Unrequited BS. Supernova? maybe. Super risky? definitely. He couldn’t control me so he bailed. I never got to understand him. Btw, Your 10 questions would never be enough.
Is the Empathic Supernova something that only Super Empaths are going to do?
It is most common with the SE.
Sir,
How generous of you to invite people to “vent your spleen”?.. Spleen was, for me, a baudelairian and dandy word until now. In such trivial and non-poetical circumstances : thank you. You gave sense to eighteen years of emptiness stitched with drama. You filled the ubuesque blanks with your work. Could you, please, share one of your supernova experiences ?
Hello and welcome MRMPM,
I am a narcissistic psychopath and do not have an empathic supernova.
If you mean me being in receipt of one, this is addressed in future work.
Sir,
What was asked about was Indeed about the showdown or “bataille royale” between you and your super empaths. Anyway, I would be pleased to listen or read about it.
HG, although you have written quite a lot about 2 narcissists coming together, an i right in saying your conclusion with this is that it never really works ? I know you have detailed the different types and the outcomes , but in your opinion is it never possible that 2 narcissists can actually work in a long term romantic relationship or marriage ? thanks
Define ‘work’.
Hi HG, i suppose i mean function in some way that they fuel each other ? not necessarily a successful relationship by so called normal standards
They will both fuel one another, they can both achieve a common aim, but it will be haphazard, possibly a lot of ups and downs, it will involve infidelity.
Lisa
My parents were both narcissists. They were married 40 years until my father shot himself. Most people would consider their marriage successful, but there was no love and any romance was a lie.
Hi, Windstorm, would you mind explaining how that worked or as HG said define Work!! What were the dynamics or types that somehow existed together for 40 years ? And you don’t think one of them was codependent ?
Lisa
I can try to describe my parents marriage. No, neither of my parents was codependent. No love, no trying to take care of the other. They pretty well led autonomous lives. And I don’t think it’s possible for a narc to be codep. That requires a level of empathy.
The simple answer for how their marriage lasted so long was that neither of them believed in divorce. They were just stuck married. They both cared deeply about their façade and didn’t want to be labeled a failure or be the one to leave.
Daddy was mainly cerebral but with some somatic traits, right on the border between midranger and greater. Mama was somatic and definitely a midranger – probably mid-level. They had already been married 12 years when I was born. If there ever had been any love-bombing or pretense to care about each other, it was long in the rear-view mirror by then.
Daddy did whatever he wanted with no regard for what Mama wanted. And she made both of our lives a living hell. They fought all the time. He would agree with whatever she said, just to shut her up, but his promises meant nothing.
Although we all 3 lived in the same house, we did nothing together. We each had our own TV, each made our own food, ate at different times in different parts of the house, slept at different times in different rooms, had our own hobbies – you get the picture.
24 years into their marriage, Daddy’s health totally failed him. He went off the deep-end in a major mid-life crisis and Mama schemed to have him admitted to a mental hospital. That was in the 70’s and while he was there they burnt his mind out with electro-shock treatments.
When they released him after a couple of years, he was just an empty husk of the man he’d been before. From that point on he was like a shadow trapped in the house and Mama came into her own. She started her own business, and did whatever she pleased. I left home at 16 when I got engaged to my narc future husband.
Then when they’d been married 40 years, Mama told him she could no longer take care of him and was going to put him in a nursing home. Within 2 days he blew his head off with a deer rifle.
So, while two narcs can stay married a long time, I don’t know if saying it “works” is the correct term. More like it can “endure”, but it never really works for anybody.
Windstorm, thank you for taking the time to explain your family situation
Lisa
you’re welcome
lisa
My ULN’s parents have been married for 50 years, they are business owners and I think that is facade maintenance. I have quite a few cerebral mid-range couples who have been married long term, however, I know a mid-range couple that may be disengaging/divorcing after 18 years.
I think it depends on the school, cadre and the Prime Aims. You won’t see many violent LLN’s together for very long. My father was at sea (US Navy) for six months a year so that is why my parents were together for as long as they were. He retired from the Navy before I was born.
P.S.
My ULN’s parent are both upper lesser narcissists and they weren’t violent like my family of LLNS.
K
Thanks for the different examples
My pleasure lisa.
Love this tidbit, now I know why i went total war on his arse..lol… playing him brilliantlly, then i exposed him to a co worker he was hunting, with screen shots, emails, pictures, plus, I started dating and sent him a picture of him, plus I lost weight and look fsntastic..he went no contact for now, but i know he will be back because he is holding my items hostage. And the game will begin, i will be ready. I feel so much better without him, I’m nice, calm, loving. But dont piss me off
Hi HG, I see that you’re not replying to recent comments but I’ll try my luck. I now understand that after more than a decade of living together, I project his traits as the empathic supernova and it did drive him nuts. We separated a year ago, didn’t see him for 11 months although he hoover me occasionally.
My question is: why did the narc traits in me remain even after we separate?
I only realise this after my current partner mention it to me, caused me to do a massive self-reflection. I feel the void & constant need of approval inside me getting bigger each day to the point where I throw myself back to my ex-narc (after my current partner dumped me because of my narc-traits). The Narc, as predicted, only wants the fun and control, ditch me after getting what he wants.
So another question: how to reduce the traits and lose the constant need of validation/approval/fuel in order to make me feel worthy? a simple question probably how to get back to my old empath self?
Thank you in advance, HG. Your insight in all of your articles are really helpful, they’re precious! Thank you for keep sharing them
All people have narcissistic traits, you are no different.
Thank you, HG. I am not turning into him! I have been wondering… this explains my disposition. Enough is enough!
This took away so much of my feelings of guilt and my confusion of what I am. 100% I have gone supernova. But I’m painfully empathic. My family’s abuse had me nearly convinced I was the narcissist and I constantly worried (suggesting I’m not). But… I have a fight in me, edpecially on behalf of others. And I really love this explanation.
Thank you, once again, HG. Now I understand where I am at. I thought maybe I was just becoming like him as a self-defense mechanism, but I understand it now.
This explains SO much! I have toyed around with the idea that I might have some pretty serious N traits and this explains why to a T.
I would say application of the N traits might be an effective way for a SuperE to leave, as it is double-incetivized. My thought is this: If empathy and love keep one hooked to the the N, and getting a bit of revenge while connected to N is intensely tempting, could a SuperE let their narcissistic colors fly for the primary purpose of pushing the N away? It’s kind of a trick you play on yourself. “I’ll let you stay connected to him, dear Self, but only if you toy with him a bit.” Any thoughts?
Hi HG. Do you have any reference materials for anyone who has escaped and is on no contact for months now? Thanks.
Yes, I recommend you read Black Hole and Exorcism to begin with J.
Are these your books?
Yes.
I am getting them.
Jolly good.
“Jolly Good”…my favorite ❤️
I got them. I also got: sex and the narcissist.
Thank you HG for this description. I can clearly see why I was such a good target. The Greater/Sociopath (what a contradiction!) really made a mistake choosing me. I really feared his story would be convincing and smear campaign successful. However, he was outsmarted and now sits in jail.
Brilliant and insightful post. Thank you, HG, for helping me gain additional perspective on my situation. This is almost exactly what happened to me. I got so frustrated with the disrespect, passive aggression and lies that I started giving it back. She would go all day without reading my messages so I stopped sending them. We would schedule a time to talk and she wouldn’t be available so I stopped calling at scheduled times or else she’d say “I’m in the middle of something. I’ll call back in five minutes.” I knew she wouldn’t (I used to call it the “Call Back in Five Minutes Game”) so I’d shut my phone off and go do something else. In the end, when I confronted her about her disrespect and told her she was rude and selfish, the mask came off and the fury was unleashed. I responded by giving her a 7-day silent treatment. (I admit, the creature inside her terrified me and I was afraid to call.) When I finally called and confronted her about her obvious contempt and hatred for me, she denied, deflected and projected and then she said that she loves me but we should take a break because hearing the hurt in my voice was pushing her away (whatever that means!). I agreed and went no contact and have, thus far, resisted the hoovers.
Your writings have given me clear understanding and strength, more than anything else I’ve read about Narcissism. Thank you!
Do you have an article about differentiating between a Victim Narcissist and a Narcissist who simply uses pity and self deprecation as a means of manipulating and extracting positive fuel? I would be interested to know your insights on that topic.
Thanks again!
Hola, en mi caso sucedió algo similar.
Estuve casada con un PN integrado y encubierto.
Los últimos dos años 2 años se trato de un ataque constante, muy difícil de sobrellevar.
Sin embargo, terminé la relación hace 3 meses pero, antes de eso, los últimos meses a eso me porté igual que él. Le decía que estaba gordo, feo, que era un inútil… Me pedía favores y no lo hacía. Le decía “si hiciste tal cosa, no te acuerdas?” también deje de contestar sus mensajes y le contestaba las llamadas pero lo aburría. Le negaba sexo cuando él quería, le negaba amor durante semanas… él me buscaba para poder reafirmar su poder en mi, pero no lo obtenía, incluso lo llegue a notar molesto porque lo ignoraba… Yo jamás había hecho eso con él, ni con nadie más… incluso me cuestioné si yo era Narci, pero ahora que leo ésto de la supernova, creo que me llevó al limite y decidí déjalo. Saqué su ropa a la calle y lo dejé ahi, a media noche. Sé que estará muy agusto haciéndose la victima explotando al máximo lo que le hice, y sincermente no me importa.
Sin embargo, he notado como dice TUDOR, que todos tenemos rasgos narcis, yo no soy una excepción, a decir verdad me quedó la costumbre de portarme así quizás como medio de supervivencia, pero debo controlar eso, porque no me gusta ser así. Quizás debas asistir a terapia para evitar lastimar a las personas.
Thank you HG for this very insightful article. It definitely helped to alleviate the fear I had that, perhaps, I was the narcissist. In addition, it helped to rid me of the guilt I’ve felt for so long for having lashed out in anger and retaliation at various times. These reactions have caused me to question my sanity.
Excellent article.
Thank you and you are welcome.
All of this time I’ve wondered about this, how I could shift from loving and caring to literally turning up the dark side to give them a constant taste of their own bad medicine? Giving them hell right back before finally feeling my defiance stretched to the point of insanity. Finally separating myself but still feeling “sorry” for the evil bastards. I still can’t wrap my head around this concept.
This is me in a nutshell except that even though I feel sorry, I can turn my dark side on an instant and as I cry, I deliver it to him. That is why I say that even a white rose has a dark side and mine is a pitch black side…
Wow. Exactly how it played out. I started standing up for myself and he pity played until he had his next IPPS in place. Great description
This article is so on point. It accurately depicts what happened with my mid-ranger.
After giving and giving and getting taken advantage of as well as receiving nothing in return that is exactly what I did.
I stopped saying yes to everything. I started saying no more and more – especially to strange sexual requests as well as sex in general.
Why the hell would I want to fuck you if you don’t give me any attention, make passive aggressive digs at me constantly (unprovoked), tell me how I should think and behave, pick on every fucking little thing possible (things that there are no names for)? The shithead would ignore me or say dumb shit to me all day/night then come up to me and start grabbing up on me as if I should be ready to go. He used to climb into bed and take his dick out and just look at me. Seriously? Really? Who the hell would wanna fuck that? Then he would bitch and whine and try to make me feel guilty – or the next day would blow up at me and punish me in some wackadoo way. I know this sounds a little nutty to some people but he was so desperate for my sexual attention he would start like practically forcing oral on me and most people would be like hey eat me out who cares – but I became so disgusted with him. I hated everything about him. The thought of him touching me made me want to jump and rip my skin off. When he kept asking for humiliation oh lemme tell you he got it alright. I would do the typical dominatrix shit but I started acting bored with no feeling while I would do it. What’s so crazy is that it would turn him on more!
He would often say “wow you’re really good at this” “did you really mean that?” – of course I would say no – but the truth is that I was starting to become so angry and full of rage and just dead inside I meant every fucking word I said.
Aw he didn’t feel wanted? Tough shit. Good. He fuxking deserved that and so much more.
The fucking moron toward the end of the relationship started asking me for shit he knew I wouldn’t give him! I think it was his last ditch effort to try and control me.
I stopped paying as much (even though I still did a great deal).
Sure, I was explosive – like a fucking atomic bomb at times because he drove me nuts! After being explosive over and over again and hearing the same shit for years I became indifferent. I stopped caring “are you finished?” “Ok go fight with yourself” – these were typical lines I would use sitting there not even looking at him – said of course in like flat affect.
Empathetic supernova? Ha! I’ll take that shit to a whole new level 🤣
DR. H …I dont know how you put up with him. I feel disgust just reading about his personality. I think the biggest turn off is a partner begging for sex when you have no interest in it with them especially when they ruined it.
Narc Affair,
It’s so funny because so many people say that (even people on the blog) and it always makes me realize how awful it really was. It’s strange how even I (a psychologist) can barely wrap my mind around how I became so traumatized from that kind of abuse. I mean I get it but it’s like…huh? I cognitively recognize that sexual abuse can take many different shapes and forms but when I’m in the situation it’s like everything becomes less clear.
Although I went through with these sexual acts and I was the one humiliating him somehow I am left feeling completely fucking disgusting. I honestly sometimes wonder if he even understood what he was doing to me was fucked up….
It’s like did really understand what he was doing to me? Does it matter?
When I spoke to my sociopath friend about it he really made something completely clear and it opened my eyes…
He said that I was not a willing participant. That is the truth. I literally had to be pushed and pushed. It was so fucking ugly.
I remember the whining and the nagging and the complete sense of fucking entitlement for me to please him and for him to just be able to touch me.
I remember also starting to act in strange ways (completely unlike me). I never wanted him to see my body. I never wanted anyone to see my body – not even me. He never said anything negative about my body EVER – in fact he would saying glowing things. I think the only positive things he ever said about me were about my body and anything well…sexual.
Some people have mentioned here that their startle response is like heightened. I feel like mine has been terrible these days. It’s so weird….whenever I hear a sound I jump. I mean my ex and I argued every five seconds of the day over fucking anything and everything. I was always anxious. What pissed him off one day wouldn’t piss him off the next. He acted legit balls to the wall nuts.
Its almost been a year now (a year in early August) and it feels like it happened yesterday. What I have found is that the memories are starting to fade and become less clear. There are certain places, shows, objects I still avoid sometimes but it isn’t nearly as bad.
I don’t think about it quite as much even though I do think about it everyday. My thoughts NEVER involve happy thoughts or thoughts like WOW I MISS HIM. My thoughts are usually random scenes, clips, fragments of memories that I didn’t even realize I remembered.
Agreed. Expecting sex and grabbing on after behaving like a silly bastard. I know what that feels like.and now he’s reaping what it feels like to get nothing. I’ve gone. it’s been two years of trying to escape.. one year officially broken up.
I escaped but hoovers continue. I am seeing slightly larger gaps in between attempts.
I can’t even imagine them hoovering for one year , mine tried for about a month and when he was ignored that was it , I’ve heard nothing more
Hi Lisa
Yes… it is unbelievable this person passes by my house by the top of the street but pulls down parks up knocks on the door can stand at the door for 25 minutes knocking. although this has subsided . It was every day for a very long time.
How long were you with him ? Were you married or do you have a child with him ? That’s unbelievable. Mine has hoovered a bit but mine would never do anything too much , partly because I don’t think he cares enough but also , he’s very stubborn in the way that He won’t chase me , he doesn’t need a relationship . It would be like handing me control . He’d rather shoot himself than do that lol
4 years Lisa.
Not married but was engaged.
I have no children. He does.
but I did not live with him I had to get away.. I had enough of been spoken to in a particular way treated in a particular way micro managed controlled manipulated. silent treatments walking out punishments punishing behaviours when not getting own way. Coercion. Repeated attempted Sexual coercion .. jealousy beyond all belief completely uncalled for Injustices unfairness. blame shifting projection big platefuls of word salad.. immaturity if I had wanted children Id have had them. . so I will be damned if I take on board a great big baby.
Enough was enough.
It isn’t easy it hasn’t been easy and I have cried and suffered and worried.. been ill.
Now Im fighting back by fighting for myself.
I’m pretty much on my own Lisa… if I don’t do it who will? So every day is a day to remember myself who I am and what I do not need.
Follow this. . . we are stronger than someone who has to lie to get by. stronger than pretending.
As strong as the Real Deal.
Look in the mirror at the strong real person you are and remember they can’t look in the mirror at a real person themselves.,they engage in fake personas.
I don’t know about you but my white knight isn’t a big girl’s blouse.. how do I know?
Because its me.
I am the white knight.
And I am not weak. Injiured isnt weak.
Always remember.
🐾
Big girls blouse ha ha !! I’m on my own too and would rather be single than be with a mentally ill person . If I want to look after A sick person I would be working for Care in the Community . We are lucky we don’t have children with them , much harder for the ladies that do. Although this has certainly taken its toll on me that’s for sure
Typos… it’s very tiny on this phone.. literally didn’t see em…i.e. s/b:- * being and *injured.. but I know mostly we all roll With It as we assumptively read. 👍
It is my birthday next week though so that will be a test , if he doesn’t hoover with that perfect excuse then he’s gone for good . Plus I ignored his birthday 2 weeks ago and his whole mentality is Tit for Tat so it’s unlikely that he’ll acknowledge mine
Hey Lisa
Be wary…he will either spoil it at the time…or use it as a way in to enable spoiling something later…but I think he might spoil things already because he knows you will be thinking about what he’s going to do or not … if he will or will not do something etc… and he’ll be revelling in knowing you’re on tenterhooks.
Take his so called power from him.
All they really have is the way we feel.
If they were not weak there would be no need for a facade.
The power they think they have is the myth.
We do our best we try to understand they throw it back at us..
Fine… we can catch…but think “that’s it bucko”..lol…..”I dont have to play ball”.
Keep remembering all they have is what we feel.
Put yourself first. I’ve had my last couple of birthdays ruined. Don’t let yours be so this time.
Have a peaceful Lisa filled day..Best wishes for your special day.🌹🌹
Shield up. 🛡
🐾
Awe Debbie thank you for all your comments and advice very helpful. Your right . He’ll still be fuming I ignored his birthday so may take great pleasure in ignoring mine . It’s all a game . Ignoring his hoovers for 3 months has been very hard and it’s the first time I’ve ever ignored a Hoover of any kind . Thanks to HG !!
HG, I don’t know if you’ve seen the movie “Wonder Woman” or are family with the old television show/comic, but might Wonder Woman be an Empathic Supernova? And this would make Steve Trevor a narcissist? Magic Lasso of truth, taking on Aries, the God of War.
Probably. I do know she can try her lasso of truth but it won’t work.
Exactly the same with me. Today I was thinking that maybe I am a narcissist as well (my father is). But now I understand what is happening. I never ever give up and always will strike back, because I register the weak points of a person who is trying to humiliate me. And actually, I feel special magic to fight and I know pretty good where to strike 🙂 All the articles about the behavior of an empath during the devaluation were very strange for me. For sure I am empath but what I did was to make him crazy, haha 🙂 Because he doesn’t know that I know 🙂 It is absolute fun 🙂
Interesting breakdown of the various types of empath. I always wondered about my brutal criticisms when fighting back when I’m normally so empathic and a fixer. I wanted to break him down…even if it made me feel guilty and sorry afterwards. I am strong and dominant with a marshmellow core. I think I must be a super empath.
I see a lot of myself in the description of supernova. I do think anyone that stays with a narcissist and endures their behaviour is codependant on some level. My supernova comes when ive sucked up so much abuse indirectly and went against how i really felt that i more or less lose it and lash out. This has happened a few times with the narc and a couple times with my mother in law and my mother. Its not something im proud of and if i could take it back i would. I think thered be no need for a supernova if we didnt just go along with aspects of the narc relationship but instead bring it up everytime and eventually realise itll never change and leave. Being assertive and true to yourself helps to never reach that supernova stage where you turn nasty verbally or otherwise.
When ive had a supernova episode the reactions been as follows:
Mother in law…gets angry then turns to victim mode and is in tears. She stays away for a period of time but makes my hubby pay for it by complaining to him about how im disrespectful despite its ok for her to be rude to me and drive me crazy. Triangulating the kids against me and being a pain in the ass with her constant need for praise while cutting others down.
My mother….gets quiet and we dont talk for months. Its rare supernova happens with her now bc i dont see her as much and avoid her bs.
The narc…gets quiet and we end up disengaging. Sometimes he will laugh nervously but i can tell hes shocked i stood up to him even tho he knows hes caused my reaction. Eventually he hoovers with sweet msgs and apologizes but a few weeks later he gets even in a passive aggressive way.
Supernova is to me basically being fed up and needing to express myself. Its not done in a mild logic manner tho.
Ive also turned some of the narcs tactics on him like intermittant reinforcement. Also toning down my fuel when hes not being good to me or shelving. I turn it up when he treats me better. I also at times lay low on my compliments. Its difficult bc i dont like being this way but sometimes you have to fight fire with fire!
Hello NarcAffair, with what you know now, do you withdraw when your Narc withdraws? I have been stood up two nights in a row but I don’t care. I get a measly text message leaving me hanging followed by a no show,
I think he is trying to make me angry and needy but it’s not happening.
Now I know what he is doing, it’s honestly completely manageable. I am mildly curious as well as being vigilant though with what is happening.
I am so glad not to be his IPPS as I think she is suffering with his head games. He is still there and I am glad.
Hi mrs linton…with what i know from here and also from the narcs personality i do withdraw. The important thing is i withdraw not as an act to him but for myself. If he shelves me i dont mention it to him and go about my life. Ive complained many times when he withdraws in which he apologises but then he does it again bc he knows it works. Once i dont care and he sees it has no affect he gets insecure and tries again to be close.
As far as being stood up when hes done this which is twice ive disengaged for a couple days like i was breaking up with him and at the time i believed i was. Standing someone up is the ultimate in direspect and rejection. If he kept doing this i would go no contact bc i cant handle this type of thing repeatedly. None of it for sure works tho bc these people are disordered and think differently.
Excellent new article, HG! This explained why my narcissist made a big deal about “dealing with the issues between us in January of 2018, after his wife was recovered from having their baby.” I was the best friend he’d been trying to sleep with / whose marriage he was relishing trying to destroy while pretending to “help me escape.” It had nothing to do with her suddenly being healthy in 6 months and everything to do with him wanting to put my supernova on the back burner for 6 months. Incidentally, my marriage issues resolved completely when I disclosed all of the narc’s behavior to my husband. He, wisely, didn’t seek retribution and understood how I could be so easily manipulated. He had been getting fooled himself.
I’ve gone no-contact, changed my commuting route and haven’t seen him in months. And am now having my own child with my husband, who I will have to guard everything about from my narc’s lieutenants. Thank you for the warning about the lieutenants and coterie, because otherwise I would not have known I needed to protect my family from them too.
At times I wish I had stayed in the relationship with him once I found he was cheating, just to play some psycho games with him. Maybe I should have kept quiet about my discovery and acted like nothing was wrong, and then come up with some proper punishment. This isn’t realistic though. I’m not that disciplined and I could have never not let on how disgusted I was with him. Plus, one of the many women I messaged and he cheated with might have messaged him and told him that I know.
But I’m not 100% satisfied with the way I exited the stage and for some reason, it’s annoying me increasingly. I simply disappeared after some verbal abuse and after exposing him. He never tried to hoover me. He denied the cheating until woman #2 revealed the truth and he knew he can’t go on claiming that the world is populated by crazy bitches who all lie about having had an affair with him. So we sort of both ignored the other one – and that was that. This isn’t satisfying to me. It used to be but now it isn’t.
Thank you for this blog HG, at last I’m beginning to understand myself in the narc dynamic.
HG, I don’t think I’m codependent or an empath, that’s not denial on my part , I just really don’t think I am. I have no history of dating anyone with personality disorders and don’t have a childhood that would fit any of this . My only involvement with a narcissist is the last 2 and a half years , I’ve only known about this stuff for a year . I think I stuck it out because I didn’t understand it and then by the time I did , I had doubts so wanted to be sure . Is it possible to be non of those things and still be with a narcissist without knowing , also I always ended it but of course I had good reason and he never tries to fix it so you could say he’s ending it . Is everyone that ends up dating one narc really an empath or codependent?
I still think this one is brilliant, HG. It leaves me scratching my head (and not with buggies). When I drew the lines and didn’t let him cross, he acted like an UMR. Pity seeking but trying to manipulate me via his circle to change my mind. I won’t give him Greater status bc he did that. Nope. I can only think that my light, if it existed, was dimmed due to the early experience and never reignighted. On a street full of people, I am the one someone will ask for spare change. Others are bypassed. It must he that I appear to be kind, stupiid, or both. I still am ridiculed by my family for giving a dollar to a panhandler. Ffs…that was decades ago. It was my money. Move on already.
Is it common for a supernova to become fasinated by those with psychopathic disorders after being with a narc? I have read and watched everything on these disorders since I escaped.
Indeed, one may often develop an obsession about it based on being a truth seeker and the inherent draw for our kind.
Kim,
Join the club lmao! 😜
Ive always been fascinated by serial killers and forensics etc i had no clue what a narcissist was but i knew these types were psychopaths. Its interesting learning about it all and even lower on the narc scale they exhibit psychopath qualities in a more mild form. As far as being attracted to one id not be but i do love to learn about them.
Narc Affair,
I have always been interested in psychopaths, serial killers and forensics as well. I constantly watch Investigation Discovery – it is my go to channel. LOL!
Same here Klm… have been obsessed with consuming as much information as possible.
<3
After I found out what he was I showed him no mercy and was cool towards him ( rightly so). I think I left him bewildered and in shock. Also, you don’t fuck with a Scorpio!
Exactly! I am also a Scorpio. And I have a joke: if you are trying to fuck up with a Scorpio, you have two options: 1. Learn to run very quickly!
2. Stay and face the consequences, you, poor mother fucker 🙂
Hihi 🙂
Hmmm, let me see. I am in a tight spot – shall I shout “I am a Scorpio” or shoot them? Difficult decision.
Well, if you have to run, make sure you do it in a zigzag pattern. You don’t want to die getting shot in the derière like a moron.
1. “The Greater however will not leave matters
there. A note will be made to rejoin battle in due course and bring the Super Empath to heel.”
HEEL?
What do you mean, dear HG?
2. “Reaching the critical point and causing the ignition of the Empathic Supernova can have dire consequences for our kind.”
What consequences for Greater Elite?
1. Get them in line. Under control.
2. Not for the GE.
This is me. Finally I have an identity.
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
My narcissistic traits are shining bright like a diamond these days lol…
Riveting.
This happens to be one of my favorite articles you have written. Explaining that what happens when pushed to far. You truly understand, a master of your craft.
Very interesting. I believe I am a super-empath and the sociopath I was with was a Mid-Ranger. That is exactly how I acted and his response to me was the same as you described. It’s strange to see myself described.
Well, i think i figured out where i fit. Although the shock of the situation has gotten me down, ive also attacked back, and can hear a little confusion, or the comment, that takes balls! I’m getting a little twisted here, but some of it is down right hysterical, and let the games begin!!!