7 Truths About Narcissistic Friendships
- Our friends don’t really like you
The people that we choose to provide our inner and outer circle of friends have all been charmed by us and roped into our sphere of influence for the purpose of providing us with fuel, traits and residual benefits. They in return are granted repeated audiences with ourselves, they are able to gaze on the Sun King and benefit from their association with such a social titan. When you are admitted to my sphere of influence as an intimate partner these friends of mine only like you because they know that this is their role and they must do so in order to remain able to attend my court. Should I give the instruction they will turn their backs on you in an instant. Never believe that you can turn to them in a moment of need. You will head straight into a brick wall. Should you be admitted into my sphere of influence as another member of the inner or outer circle then these friends are your competitors. They are all seeking my favour, either to remain in the inner circle or to achieve promotion to it, such is the allure and attraction of being friends with me. These other friends will smile and welcome you, because that is what is expected of them but they are smiling assassins who will pounce and delight in plunging the dagger of isolation and ostracising into your back should I will that to happen. You are entering a viper’s nest.
- It is a one-way street
You will benefit from your association with me as a friend and you will enjoy my company, who would not when I am charming, magnetic and interesting but you are only allowed to occupy this positon so long as you are giving. You must provide me with the fuel to keep me topped-up through your praise and admiration. I expect you to be an errand boy for me, you will carry out my machinations on my behalf when I require you to manipulate someone by proxy, you will get me things, give me things and do things for me all because you want to stay in the elevated position of my friendship. It is also highly likely that I will possess some information about you or something you want which compels your compliance also. You are the giver and I am the taker. It is one way.
- Our friends do not know what we are
The blazing brightness of our brilliance is such that it obscures what we really are. Any complaints about our behaviour will be met with rejection and a confused response. They have always been treated well by us. We let them join us and we allow them to follow in our wake which has numerous benefits. They have no idea what we actually are for if they did they would no continue to be part of our retinue. They do not want to know any different however because they have been brainwashed into thinking that the status quo is to their advantage and therefore they see no reason to entertain anybody who seeks to usurp us.
- Your friends are all targets
I have no interest in making friends with your friends. They are beneath me but I will regard them as targets. There may well be your replacement amongst them and how satisfying would that be to corrupt one of your supporters to turn against you and sit at my right hand? I will charm and ensure that your friends think well of me as this will not only make my seduction of you as my primary source far easier, it will also provide me with fuel, traits and residual benefits as well. You friends are targets to be my new primary source, members of my coterie and even lieutenants so that I have a fifth columnist in your camp willing to act on my behalf when the inevitable devaluation begins.
- Our friendships are defined by the usefulness
As I have explained the concept of friendship for us all about what we can take from it and therefore so long as someone is providing us what we require, complying with our wishes and carrying out what we want then the friendship will endure. Should one of our friends see through us, turn against us or begin to fail in their assigned role it is of little consequence to us that we may have known them for ten years or more. It is of no concern that we go drinking with them every Friday, if they do not function as a constituent appliance then they will be switched off, excluded and replaced. We make friends easily and we keep them far easier than you might think. Very few leave us. We usually do the jettisoning.
- Our friends must never outshine us
We like our friends to be beautiful and handsome but not better looking than us. We like to have a beautiful crowd around us, it signals to the world that we are special. We want the interesting folk, the talented, the successful and so forth as we are able to steal traits from all of these people to accentuate our own success and popularity so we are better able to seduce more people into our sphere of influence. We want them to achieve, look good, be fascinating so long as none of them outshine us. We benefit from the reflected glory but it must not shine brighter than our star otherwise someone will have to be exited. There is only room for one king on this throne.
- We can actually like our friends
So long as the member of our inner or outer circle does not offend any of our requirements detailed above we often do actually like them for being interesting and caring people. Of course, this is not enough on its own, they must provide fuel, allow us to take traits and provide residual benefits but we are able enough to like the fact that someone is amusing, that someone is a good partner at badminton (as long as we usually win) or has some entertaining anecdotes to share from a recent holiday. So long as they do not transgress across our requirements then we will also take delight in these additional traits, for like jesters, ambassadors and courtiers in a royal court they all have their own individual function that serves to benefit us.
28 thoughts on “7 Truths About Narcissistic Friendships”
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Wow, just wow!!! New to all this research, so excuse me if I don’t get all the lingo correct. Feels like you are talking right to me!! Seems I was involved with a greater off and on for over 7 years! He (then we, now he again) had a very large group of friends that we did everything with. Boating, camping, holidays, vacations…. Found myself staying longer than I should have because I was gonna have to give up everything to leave…him, friends, lifestyle… I had already seen when we were on the outs before where their loyalties belonged. Guys had all been military together. Friends for 20-30 years.
Since my son died two and a half years ago and my daughter is 3000 miles away, I feared being alone!! Not anymore!! Everything I am reading has been a huge eye opener and empowering!! I’m not crazy! Wounded, and in need of work, but am optimistic for first time in along time!! Since I left him, I have felt such a huge sense of relief. No anxiety or panic attacks! Seeing him through much clearer vision! No one putting me down, calling me fat, making me feel like a loser. I dang sure don’t know where my life is going, but I know it can only get better. I know I deserve better! Appreciate your work!! 💕
They don’t have any friends because HG Tudor took them all for himself.
Dear Mr Tudor,
My narcissist friend, (who has health problems) has no friends (only acquaintences), I WAS his only “friend”. The only person who supports him, is his last adult “golden child”, she suffers mental issues… go figure ? None of my friends liked him (particularly my male friends).
My two stepdads had no friends, my uncle had no friends, my father had no friends! They all had serious health issues. Needless to say their funerals were friendless! I can honestly say .. I don’t miss any of them!
Another great article
Thank you
Hi (again) Mr. Tudor,
I know I am bombing you with questions, and I understand that you are very busy. One last comment and question though…
(In the future I will book a paid consultation with you if necessary).
Not only have you enlightened me with valid information on your kind and given me a clearer understanding on where I stand in the fuel-tanking picture, but you have also given me a much better understanding of me, and how I appear in public. Not only to you, but to people in general. I am the magnet empath, and until now I have always thought the reason for strangers telling me their secrets, and the constant ask of advice was due to my integrity. Now I know otherwise….
I have become better over the years to say no, but I understand why he still calls. I am great fuel for a three hour conversation.
I said there would be a last question:)
Would my smartest departure from interacting with my N friend be to sometimes respond, but cut the conversation short, and other times not pick up with a plusible excuse, and he will loose interest eventually?
Kind regards,
The Norwegian girl
Hello Norwegian Girl, if you reduce your interaction with a friend who is a narcissist, you as a NISS run the risk of being seen as treacherous. Thus you will receive a Corrective Devaluation. If that does not bring you into line, you can expect a Disengagement Devaluation and your prompt disengagement.
He has bragged to his friends about the score he got with me(money,cars contact influence). I wonder now what he says now when they ask why he’s driving his old beat up truck and living in a barn with a roommate at 60.. Because he was such a blow heart bragger..
Blow me over with a feather. You don’t like your primary fuel source but you like your friends. Those lucky SOBs.
…And they get credit for being caring people. “So long as the member of our inner or outer circle does not offend any of our requirements detailed above we often do actually like them for being interesting and caring people.”
What Maia said. HG, you seem like you have a big social circle, which I realise is ideal for obtaining fuel. But is this the norm for narcissists? My ex doesn’t have any friends. He has some “friends” from his time in school/university but he never meets up with them, I don’t know if they even exchange messages once in a blue moon. He has a couple of ex-coworkers from before he started his own business whom he’s in touch with very rarely. But I think it’s more like he tags along when they’re meeting in the pub anyway. When we met, he shared a flat with a lesbian and leeched on her friends. I always had the impression they merely accepted him because well, he lived there, can’t have a party and not invite him when he’s in the flat. When she moved out to live with her girlfriend and he got his own place, she broke off all contact. I knew this would happen, he didn’t. Aside from that, he has women he meets online and dates but that’s it. There’s nothing profound, nothing that’s more than veeery occasional and nothing that ever lasts. Are you an exception, HG? Or are Maia’s and my ex exceptions?
See the Fuel Matrix articles.
Will do, thank you.
Interesting article but it has left me more confused as to what class he belongs to. He is intelligent… he’d have to be for me to date him… yet he has an unskilled job. He has money as he invests and is also a miser. He has a quick temper, although not physically violent. He has no friends as such, but he is charming at the beginning. He certainly charmed me. I wrote in my journal that I’d met the man of my dreams. Bloody nightmare more like!
Same here, anonymous. There’s a couple of people he went to school with but very rarely sees. He occasionally dates women online but it never lasts. Not surprisingly, none of his exes have ever wanted to remain in contact…. except muggins here, because I thought I could fix him. He brought out the mother in me.
The few women I messaged all said they dated him but are no longer in touch. They weren’t very willing to share more info with me which I found slightly annoying. I spent four years with this massive liar and maybe, just maybe, I deserve some of the truth. One of the women said “ask him” and I lost it at her (it was on the day I found out he’s been cheating so being polite was not an option) and I wrote back “has it occurred to you that if I COULD ask him, I wouldn’t have to message a complete stranger?”. She blocked me hahaha. It’s understandable these women don’t want to get involved, but it’s frustrating for us when we seek the truth and need to know it to be able to walk away and not give more and more chances. So yes, I don’t know much at all how things are with those women. I know he isn’t in touch with his (ex-)wife. He constantly goes on about the importance of social contacts and acts like he’s a social butterfly, but he really isn’t. I don’t know if it’s that other people aren’t as blind as me – many people in my life have described him as arrogant and weird – or if he isn’t capable and/or interested in anything that goes beyond a few dates. But then again, he kept me around for four years and would have much longer I assume if I hadn’t left.
Hello Anonymous!
I think that it depends on which school the narcissist belongs to. The Greater has a more extensive fuel matrix than the lesser and the midrange…and as far as I understand they might have acquaintances in their matrix that you do not even know about due to the compartmentalisation they do. Part of this is explained of corse ,in the book Fuel and on different articles about compartmentalisation( there are two kinds of compartmentalisation)..
I hope it helps!!
Tempted to read Fuel. My mid range has no friends at all. Greater has a number and never struggles for company. He’s got the whole charm and magnetism thing going.
You should read it.
Hello Friends,
Just tempted to read it? What’s stopping you? The book Fuel is one of the pillars ( if not the pillar) to acquire knowledge about how they function! I recommend it strongly! You would get a lot more of the articles posted here after reading it!
If you want to share: are you still in a relationship with a narcissist?
Hello and thank you, Superxena! It’s true that there are very likely people I have no idea about. I also had no idea about these women he dated. It was a long distance relationship so I guess it was relatively easy for him to hide things/people from me. I am still surprised he has/had so much time. I admit that at times his strange behaviour made me suspect he might be cheating, but then I thought he doesn’t really have the time to do so. How idiotic of me. He talked to me every night when he wasn’t giving me the silent treatment. And during the day he’s supposed to work. One of the women said she dated him in August last year – and we were in Milan and Venice until the middle of August so it’s all extremely insane. I find myself wondering “who the hell is this guy even” all of the time now. So I suspect he has a life (or several lives) that have nothing to do with the life he lived when I was in sight. I still can’t totally believe this all is happening to me.
Hello Anonymous!
Thank you for sharing! You shouldn’t blame yourself for what you went through.Actually,you haven’t done anything wrong. It was not your fault! I understand what you are going through. How long have you gone No Contact?
There are several wonderful articles here: The Three Battles that helped me a lot to go through this process. If you haven’t read them I recommend you to do it. I can also recommend two books : Exorcism and Escape.
This perhaps sounds strange but reading these books was for me like a hand pulling me out of the emotional place I was trapped in….
Best wishes
Hello superxena 🙂 I discovered some of the truth 8 weeks ago and no contact probably for 7.5 weeks now. He went no contact when I discovered the truth and didn’t respond to my verbal abuse. I try not to blame myself because I know it can happen to everyone, but at times it’s difficult. After the first two or three weeks I was fine but now for some reason it’s been really hard. Today was the first time in weeks I cried in public again. Generally I can time my crying sessions so that I’m alone hahaha. I’m also having these anxiety attacks where you’re in bed at night and you’re half asleep and then suddenly your brain reminds you of something and you open your eyes wide and you’re entirely awake and your heart is beating so fast you’re scared it’ll break your ribs. I guess it’s that I now really realise that that was it, that he’s not even going to bother to cry some crocodile tears, or deliver a fake and meaningless apology. I’ve just been erased like I never existed. It/I really never meant a single thing. I know all this is to be expected because HG tells us so, but it still hurts. I don’t want to be hoovered, but yet the fact he doesn’t even try anything is hurtful.
I’ve been staying away from HG’s books so far because I fear they will tear my healing wounds all open again. I just wish it would stop already.
Hello Anonymous!
Thank you for sharing!
This I am going to write might sound harsh,but it is the truth and I hope it helps you.
You really need to tackle your emotions and yes unfortunately it is going to hurt but IT IS THE ONLY WAY OF PROCESSING YOUR EMOTIONS. Be sure that you have a ” catch me” network as a close friend,a close family member or a therapist during this process.
Do not fear to read HG’s books since they function as a “catalyst “to start processing your emotions and that leads you into the right. direction.
I would really recommend you to read the book Escape. There you will find extremely useful techniques to process your emotions. Step by step. Invaluable information there and I think this is exactly what you need now.
I have been No Contact for 18 months and I would lie to myself if I say that It has been easy..no..it has required and still requiring a lor of training with relapses along the way but less frequent and with less intensity now .( The book No Contact is a must to read to keep no contact in place)
If it helps you in some way: just think that whoever he is with now, he will do EXACTLY the same to her as he did to you…so you should feel sympathy for her.
I hope you really read the books, take the first step and be determined to do it.
Best wishes
Hello superxena! I’m on my phone so hope this will work since I’m not sure which email i normally use when on my laptop. In any case, this is Anonymous. I am going to buy one of the books when I get home tonight. I do have several people I can lean on but not many know that things have gotten worse again recently.
I am not sure who his current victim is and suspect there’s more than one. I know about one potential one and i do feel extremely bad for her not only because I know what awaits her, but because I can tell she’s…how can I put this nicely…not very strong. He seems to seek out women like that. One I talked to was cheated on by two partners and hence hasn’t dated in years. I was just out of a crap relationship, had a one night stand (very unlike me) and at times drank too much (very unlike me, I’m dedicated to health generally haha). It’s not like i was an alcoholic but I normally have one drink every few months and there were times where I had a vodka almost every day on my way home. I realised I needed to stop that though when the vodka lost its nice effect on me. Then he came along and sensed my weakness, I assume.
I know I will get better but I’m just so impatient and get frustrated with myself at times. I will write something that might seem weird: my father died unexpectedly when I was 16. At times I feel like this is at least as bad as that time back then. And I hate that. I don’t want this asshole to have a bigger impact on my soul than my father’s death. I know this probably makes little sense to people though.
So yes, should I start with the book Escape?
Hello Anonymous!
First of all I am sorry that your father died when you were 16!
Do not let this emotional state you are going through blind you.This has nothing to do with real love !!
Thank you for asking me which book you should buy tonight! I am not an expert, the expert in this matter is HG..so you should consult him( through e-mail/audio consultation? ) if you want an exact guidance. Extremely helpful!
But I will certainly tell you which books I started with. I do not know “where” you are in this process or anything about your relationship with your ex but from my experience ( 6 years as an intimate partner primary source of a Greater) my reading story began actually with four books:
Exorcism,Fuel,No Contact,Escape.
I started with Exorcism but then I realised that I needed the concepts contained in Fuel ( which I bought at the same time) which lead me to the other two. So I ended up buying all four of them which I consider the Quadrigoly Starting Kit for the Empath.
But if you want to start with just one,I would choose either Fuel or No Contact ..to start with.
I hope this helps you!!!
Hello Superxena! Thank you for your recommendations. I will probably get both Fuel and No Contact because one can never read too much 😉
I was the primary source of either an Upper Mid Range or a Greater for four years. It was long distance, he wanted to move, was applying for jobs. At first I wasn’t sure if that was a lie but I know now he in fact applied for a job in September and went through two or three interview rounds before they decided to pick a less qualified candidate (costs them less). I saw him last at the end of April. He kissed me at the airport, said he loves me and that we’ll see each other very soon. Then three weeks later I found out he’s been cheating for ages and the whole thing started to collapse. Not sure if he would have discarded me any time soon if he had found a suitable primary source to replace me. I think I’m probably quite potent when it comes to providing fuel and he would have kept me around in one way or another if he could have.
I know it wasn’t real love, I’m pretty sure I know what sorts of lies he tells people about me (that is, if he doesn’t entirely hide my existence, which he’ll most likely do). I know this because they’ll certainly be the same stories he told me about his wife. I.e. he wanted to leave her, but felt bad for her because *insert some entirely irrational reasons here* and he felt responsible for her and this whole responsibility made him feel sooo bad that he had to pick up some street hookers and stick it in a neighbour. So really, even though he might seem like the bad guy he was the victim in reality who just wanted the best for his wife *snort*. I don’t even know why I didn’t see this back then.
Thank you again for the recommendations and your comments 🙂
Hello Anonymous!
Your welcome! You made an excellent choice of books. You will find them very helpful as they did to me.
I totally agree with you: you don’t see it coming( but now you will by learning here) especially if you were with an Upper Mid Range or a Greater. They are very good in calculating and planning:always one step ahead!
It is true : speaking bad about you is something that characterises them . It is what HG refers to by Character Assassination and the Smear campaign .They paint you either as the crazy one or the abuser and they appear like the “victim”. They do it for two reasons
during the devaluation period :to confuse you and gaslight you when you get to know the lies he is saying about you ,you wonder how it is possible that the man that ” loves” you can say such things about you. And they do it as well during devaluation so when they “discard” ( dis-engage) you so if you try to tell people how awful he was to you, they won’t believe you since he had already painted you as the “bad” girl. They always get “there” before you. The best way of tackling this is NOT REACTING to the lies that are told about you!
All this is very well explained on the book:Escape ( Chapter Character Assassination) and the ways to deal with it. If you are considering reading another book.
I wish you luck on your journey!
Best wishes!!
He doesn’t have any friends.
Mine didn’t either! He does have now, thanks to me!
Yes to all of the above accept no 3; some of his so-called friends didn’t like him. Said he was too mean with money and too arrogant. Even his so-called best mate finds it all hard going.