All In The Eyes
The eyes are one of our powerful weapons. I hear so many comments made about my eyes.
“I saw the world in your eyes.”
“Everything I ever wished for, I could see in your eyes.”
“I’ve never known anyone give me such a malevolent stare.”
“You are dead behind the eyes.”
“That hollow look you give me, chills me inside.”
“Your reptilian, empty stare always unnerved me.”
When we first engage with you, we are able to reflect back at you want you desperately want. Hope, optimism, desire and trust are all mirrored in our eyes. Do not be mistaken and think that we generate those looks. We do not. All we are doing is ensuring that you see what you want to see in order to ensnare you. This mirroring serves two purposes. Firstly, it shows you what you crave for and makes us all the more attractive to you. Secondly, it masks the empty void that truly exists. Whilst my kind and me learn how to behave and act, we mimic the way in which we are expected to respond in the most favourable manner, we do not truly feel any of those things and we cannot generate it in our eyes. Everything else we are able to simulate – the laugh, the smile, the look of surprise, the intonation of elation in our voices. We have carefully crafted these facsimiles of your emotions but managing to do so in our eyes has always eluded us. We cannot fall at the first hurdle however and have you see through our charade. Accordingly, we have managed to master the mirroring technique. You want that love and hope so badly you will see it in us when you are really just seeing yourself. We hold your gaze for longer than anyone else. You are conned into thinking this is just demonstrating the intensity of our desire for you. It is not. We must look directly into your eyes to shine back at you that which you send towards us. Should we look way, the reflection may fail and we must always have you in our eye.
As with all of our pretence we are unable to maintain this deceit for long. The mirror breaks and the shards of reflection fall away leaving the chasm of emotionlessness behind. The barren hinterland beyond our eyes is all that is left, bereft of anything at all. That is why in the later stages you will see nothing when you look at us. We cannot generate those real emotions and our mirror has now failed. Our real gaze is all that is left, cold, empty and lifeless. People often remark about how the eyes are the window to the soul. Our soul left long ago and that is why you look into dead, uncaring eyes. Even though our mouth is upturned in a smile, the crows feet at the sides crease and the brow rises, our eyes betray us. Glacial and sterile they show the reality of what we are; devoid of positive emotion and spiritually bankrupt.
All that we are able to muster is hatred. Our loathing of this unjust world is so intense that it will break through when we wish to direct that hatred against you. That is when the emptiness vanishes and instead you are subjected to our laser-like, pinpoint accurate malevolent stare. I mentioned in the recollection about the cookie jar, how I had practised my withering stare one summer. This is the precursor to our malice, our antipathy and our scorn. With consummate ease we will call on it to intimidate you and signal our contempt for you. It is powerful, unwavering and unsettling. To be on the receiving end of our hateful stare is not a pleasant experience. We muster such power with our eyes, to seduce you and then to break you, but the reality is that we only have three settings. The mirror, the void and the hatred. There is nothing else. That is all that our eyes have.
48 thoughts on “All In The Eyes”
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Dear HC,
Why is there “a loathing of this unjust world”. What aspect(s) of the world does your kind see as unjust?
Anything which threatens our control.
Hi Mr Tudor,
One of the things that told me something was seriously wrong after love bombing was when he said something especially cruel and I responded by crying. He just looked at me at me with that empty stare like he could not connect with the emotion. It reminded me of a child who pulls the wings off insects just to see what happens. I will never forget it gave me such a chill. Unfortunately ignored the signals and wasted 3 years addicted. He sent me lots of sexually laced images but never tried to get physically close in the 3 years I was under that spell although it would have been easy. However each time I tried to leave he would get into a rage, act wounded and made me feel guilty so I always went back. What do you think that was about?
Hello Joy,
1. The empty stare was as consequence of a complete absence of empathy and lacking any understanding of how to respond.
2. Your attempt to leave was either Challenge Fuel or Wounding, which prompted an instinctive response form him designed to exert control and obtain fuel. The instinctive response was ignited fury which manifested as Verbal Violence and the application of Guilt.
I recommend you undertake a narc detector consultation to ascertain the type of narcissist he is, which will then enable you to direct your queries appropriately to gain answers and move forward.
Thanks. I will
Jolly good
The first part (1&2) of your comment explains so much, HG. Yes, a couple of narcissists in my past were at the ‘glitch’ (delayed response) before their narcissism finds the appropriate shelf (or box) of information – the Lesser certainly ‘executed’ this behaviour in response to me. Parental narcissist also did this behaviour too but with less ‘delay’ in my younger years, less so when I was older and no wonder! (grinning).
I won’t give up on your heart.
I’ll climb that mountain.
Oh. One more thing I learned from the Narc; small pickups on how to control another, even you guys at time.
For example, I would have Depeche Mode playing in the car if I picked you up for a date and read up on them a little, maybe listen to a few albums. You have mentioned them in a few articles so I would assume they are one of your favorite bands. You would be impressed at my musical taste. I would say something along the lines of liking them, rattle off a few reasons why even though before I knew we were going out I never listened to them. Then if you really liked them you would tell me about them and I would listen, ask questions and a whole moment would have been created to bond. I learned things like that from yall; of course I rarely care enough about a date to fabricate this, looking for genuine connection, but I have done it.
So which is your favorite song? Why is that? That lyric reminds you of your mother? You know, you’ve talked about her but never your dad. What was he like? Etc. Etc.
Be careful, HG, you guys slip up too and someone who has dealt with many of you can learn the tricks of the trade. You can learn to sing, you can learn French and you can learn from people you’re around.
Why I bought a narc a figurine of a BMW after he sold his and when he was a punk I gave him back the gift he gave me because he liked it, too, even more after I said it always made me think of him. I wouldn’t be surprised if both of them give me the Ever Presence. If the driveway is full I park my car in his view. I have heard him talking to my roommate by his house and I heard my roommate ask him why he can’t be normal and just come over. I don’t act like i care, not like I’m going to chase him or follow him around, to which he gave a lame and pitiful “I don’t know…”
I took the opportunity to begin singing “You Don’t Me At All” by Regina Spektor and Ben Folds just a little louder than my last song. I sing it often, so my roommate won’t think much of it. I pretend not to notice that twice his car and mine met on the road, both times he eventually pulled ofc and took a different route and he is completely unaware I knew he was there. I got into my car (parked on the block where he could see him) as he and another roommate got home from pool league. I paid no attention to his presence (my roommates either it is better to act completely unaware to the presence) but I sure as he’ll noticed he was sitting in his car for a much longer time than normal, revving the engine once and changing the parking job by a foot. I drove off with not a turned head.
I don’t even want anything from him. I just want him to feel that powerless to control me, to even make me aware of his presence. I know he feels it without having to ask to my roommates, because that puts blood in the water.
I’ll break him before he breaks me. It’s kinda fun, no wonder why you guys do it.
Mmm true Mabel, I suppose once you learn their tricks and are at zero impact emotionally…. it could be… fun. But, is it wise to do so? Who in the end will get burned? It’s been something I have contemplated a lot about recently. Personally I don’t think I would have what it takes to keep the game going for very long….
Maybe it’s just better leaving something that’s dead to rot 😂
I’ve seen two others; one is the look you get when you’re studying and memorizing facts and data to use in further machinations. They’re clear from emotion but not empty. They are probably the least frightening of the eyes, the closest to being open. Between the mirror and the void, the an analytical look. A neutral curiousity filing away responses and thoughts for furthering your control later. I think it is often so natural you may not notice it yourself but it is not empty. It’s the clearest and simultaneously the most confused I’ve seen your eyes.
The other one I’ve seen is the closest to regret or sorrow I’ve seen but it is the look of contempt that one of your actions has unexpectedly caused us hurt. You were benign and we are upset anyways and your not quite sure why; mixed between malevolence, analytical and mirroring. I once was bawling and an ex gave me this look. He partook in the fuel but it wasn’t the fuel he wanted or expected. He had not even realized what he had done. He almost came over to be sympathetic (much different than empathetic, you can understand and express knowledge of hurt without feeling it yourself. Benign interaction sympathetic) but we were in a public setting and I believe his knowledge that he would ruin the public image he maintained to our coworkers that I was obsessed with him (yknow, not like he hooked me off the clock or when others werent looking) would have been ruined so the malevolence took over; it took me a long time his switch from mirroring (I took as empathy) to complete malice, something I took as hurt or anger. I finally realized it was because in your worldview the mere act of having an unexpected response causes you to view your subject as purposefully disrespecting your role as the puppeteer. Pinnochio singing I Have No Strings mockingly to your face. How dare we? I call this the Fevered emotion, the suspended few seconds when you switch between multiple masks in the attempt to find which one suits best. If you can’t decide, cold fury allows us to tell you which one is the right one. So rarely do you risk to go with anything else.
I think the closest to sympathy I have seen comes from the more aware and benign narcissist, analytical and willing to listen just to understand what they have done to upset you because they really don’t understand. This can be done without needing to use power struggles, partly because you are gaining knowledge for later and partly because it bonds you. But there is the rare, very rare moment when conscious knowledge that you are the abnormal gives the brief respite (for us) as you attempt to just be. It doesn’t take long for this to become anxiety and the former ways you’re familiar with bwing in power take over. This is usually the first look turning to the second and then whichever you deem best. I guess maybe anxious could be considered one last mode.
I will say, I have learned a lot about how to be more charming and effectual in my bonding with others through your kind. I’ve adapted a few of your techniques for myself; when you know a narc is floating around it is an excellent way to ensure that others in the group won’t abandon you as you deem fit. The super empath (I fall here, I believe) is naturally a good friend but generally doesn’t think about power ploys or using bonds to their advantage. But I’ve seen how they can turn others against you so when I notice one in the mists I employ similar tactics to prevent smears or outcasting. It works and often pissed you guys off a lot when they can’t get others to hate you or cast you away. I’m sorry to say, but that power does feel exceedingly wonderful.
HG – It’s hard enough looking INTO those eyes but looking OUT through them with nothing but antipathy . . . what a sad way to live a life. (To ME. I am sure you love it)
Hi HG,
I was on holiday and really missed coming to this blog-thus I am catching up.
I have experienced EXACTLY what you have written above-verbatim!
You state-Our real gaze is all that is left, cold, empty and lifeless.
I’m just wondering do you mirror somewhat during the respite periods or do they just avoid looking at you as much?
In my ex it wasn’t only the emptiness in the eyes but the facial expressions as well.
My gratitude as always!
Sunglasses….yep. his eyes were blue until they turned black.
Good job we’ll never meet, I’m a dead ringer for blue eyes.
Watch out for emotion detective https://youtu.be/NUR3Sm5BAAg
Thanks for the heads up Gene. She also has several tweets from last week going after me personally, then also Indy and ABB.
I’ll be figuring out best way to deal with that nonsense this weekend. This is seriously how someone is choosing to spend their time? My God!
There was a lot of information in this post that I didn’t know. I knew the looks as I had felt and seen them first hand. The “why” of the stares and looks, I did not. Thank you so much for filling us in with the answers to so many of our “why’s”. By the way, what color are your eyes?
Blue
The first weekend away with my ex narc 2 nights in a motel room talking all night gazing into each other’s eyes . He text me 20 mins after saying goodbye from our weekend away saying … I love your beautiful green eyes . My eyes are brown . I should of run away then and there at the time I thought how strange .
I love blue eyes. Yours are ice blue, I’ll bet.😉
Mine too. Are yours gray/blue or blue/blue?
Antipathy blue.
“The mirror, the void and the hatred.”
This is so true HG… I remember this cold gaze too well. Sometimes it was just his way to say “hello” when he entered my house. Or it was his way to show me I <> him in front of other people. It could also be a warning that I should be quiet.
And indeed once I believed his eyes were pure honesty.
The funny thing is that I know my Narc since we were 14. And I remember he had this piercing gaze already back then.
HG, have you ever tried Cannibis (indica strain)? My Narc says it makes him feel more loving and open.
“Blue Magoo”
Dr Jolly’s, Bend Oregon
No I haven’t, Diana.
Dear Mr Tudor,
My mum can outstare anyone, has perfected it, she knows it, uses it and quite proud of it and can scare the bejesus out of a non believer, very dark brown piercing eyes!
My narcissist friend…. cold, blue, lifeless, soul less, hard staring shark eyes … brrrrrr !!!! 👁
Both are proud of it!
The “eyes” have it Mr Tudor
My ex Narc used to send me daily photos of himself (and expected the same). He once sent the most unsettling selfie of himself staring into the camera, no smile or emotion on his face. I was repelled by it even though he was a very handsome man. Only months later, did I realize through HG’s writing that it was the Narcissistic stare that repelled me.
HG do you think he meant to reveal his true self to me, foreshadowing? We were just into the Golden period at the time.
Yes it was a test to see how you responded to this foreshadowing.
“With consummate ease we will call on it to intimidate you and signal our contempt for you.”
That contempt, that look of utter disdain, even though I understand now ‘why’, and I know I didn’t deserve it, I still can’t shake the way that made me feel. Utter monsters 🙁
Penny dropped – I feel the same way. So much contempt from behind those eyes. I still get the shivers just thinking about it. So glad to be rid of that piece of shit!
Windows to the soul? Huh? Maybe why i would look into them and know something was wrong! Void! Not there! Maybe that’s why he chooses to always to wear sunglasses? Even in the dark! Maybe that’s why when i would look at him too hard, too long, he would have a fit, i wasn’t alowed to stare at him. Maybe it was because he was scared if i looked too long i would see it. Like a shadow, ya see it, and if ya stare longer, ya really see it! Those times i would get screamed at for doing it, it would be when i would stare too long, my head would cock, being puzzled by what i saw! Like? I see something? It’s not quite right, and boom!!!! I would be quickly stopped! It’s that souless meatsack your seeing. And, sad in a way, he saw it too! Dnt look he said! I really dnt want ya too see! I’m not this souless being! Look at me! I’m incredible, look at me! Just dnt look into me!!!! I dnt want ya too see, we dnt need too look! Devastating! Cause if ya get a glimpse, sometimes, ya can see something! Maybe just a mist of what’s left, but sometimes!!!!! DO NOT LOOK! YA DON’T WANNA SEE!!!!
Anne, my ex was the same with always wearing sunglasses, even at night. Ray bans of course which I purchased for him. Hmmm wonder if that is a common thing amongst those types?
Thanks HG, another part of the NPD puzzle explained. I did wonder whether Narcy’s gaze was genuine. Initially, his eyes seemed so full of love and light that I’d not experienced before. It felt too good to be true… The loving gaze was soon replaced by hatred when the devaluation began. Now I’m aware of the reality, how sad that narcs live this way. I guess the truth is that the hatred and anger masks the loneliness and the emptiness narcs experience. The only reprieve as I see it, is when they mirror want we want to see, creating an illusion which only serves to deceive us and themselves.
Wow. The most unflattering description yet. So, so cold and empty.
My narc never admitted to cheating. Now that I have educated myself (thank you HG) I can only imagine that the cheating went on throughtout the relationship.
HG I suggest you include the following in the list
“I never stepped out of line in your eyes.” I never challenged the Narc on this statement. To be honest I was starting to see the cracks in the mask which is why I didn’t challenge the statement. It just makes me sick now to think that he was acting like a dedicated decent boyfriend while cheating behind my back every opportunity that he got/created.
I hated that stare. If I challenged him in anyway he would pin me down and stare into my eyes and it’s hard to explain but they were empty. He wanted me to see anger but I saw emptiness and I will never forget that. Hg..off topic but if I left him with access to my email account would he still have it or would he have deleted or removed my account?
Totally agree with you that this world is unjust. It is sick, twisted and cold. I can see your logic. If you can’t best them, join them.
How scary to read “I love the sparkle in your eyes”…. and now the sparkle is gone and someone else’s eyes are now “sparkling” …. o well STOP that thought now but great read… collecting more evidence on the N
HG you used the word Reptilian !! Did you see my comment about that ? That really freaks me out ?
I did.
Ive seen narcissists called reptilians, aliens, jezebels, demons. I can see why people would refer to them like this but its imo a dangerous thing to do bc we fail to see how narcissists become that way. It starts at childhood. Its easier for some to rationalize their awful behaviour by saying theyre a freak of nature. Some psychpaths are born that way but i still think the majority of narcissists were a result of their upbringing. Its important to realise this so we can make changes to our schools and provide services for children who dont have a good family life in the way of education and counselling. Turning a blind eye and naming them a freak of nature isnt imo productive.
I was being strangled and the look in his eyes was completely devoid of any emotion whatsoever. I’ll never forget that look and now I see it more and more.
Did I tell you that he could close only one eye, no other face reaction? He showed me that in the last stage of the “relationship.” I never saw that before and now I am aware- it was done to show me how he could “rule” his face. He could show whatever he wanted. A smile- a loving man- a hating man- a sad man- he could act all of it. I belittled him in your poll. I said he is a upper midrange. No, he is a greater. Or he is not a greater- he is just insane.
When someone smiles at you but it doesn’t reach their eyes, run! That is the lesson I learned. He would send me pictures of himself smiling at me and they were always odd. Now I know why.
My ex husband had empty, cold and sometimes dead eyes. It was looking in the eyes of evil!!!
When I look at pictures of him now, I see darkness and emptiness in his eyes. It’s eerie. I do remember seeing something before in those moments that were very emotionally intense, whether it be eye contact during sex or certain moments when he was intensely into me, or begging me to stay. I could never put my finger on it. Now I realize he was sucking fuel from my eyes in those moments.
And yes, when he was done, hate flew from his eyes when he did make eye contact, which was far less.