No! You Are the Narcissist – Pt 3
I wrote previously about the situation where you tell a lesser member of our kind that you know what they are and how they react to it. What then of the response of those of us who belong to the greater school of narcissism? How do we react when you tell us that you know exactly what we are?
Those of us in the greater school possess three attributes which are relevant to this matter. Awareness, intelligence and malice. We know what we do. We know that this is regarded as wrong by other people (although we are always able to justify our behaviour when considered from our perspective) and we know that our behaviour hurts people but again it is entirely acceptable because we matter and you do not. We are superior and our sense of entitlement allows us to do as we please. We also do not possess the burden of guilt, remorse or compassion and therefore the effects of our behaviour cause us no trouble. There is no moral compass to guide us or hinder us. We may also be aware of exactly what we are, a narcissist. This is not always the case but we do know that we do is considered as abusive. We are intelligent enough to realise that the accusations of abuse fit with what is regarded as abuse, but we are also intelligent enough to know that we must engage in this behaviour because it is necessary to the preservation of our existence. The inherent tension that might exist between choosing to abuse someone and the impact on our existence is one whereby the need to exist will always outweigh the downsides of abusing someone (which are few when looked at through our world view. You would feel “bad” for hurting someone, you would be concerned about how this would affect you relationship or your friendship, you would worry about how others would view you, you would be concerned if it involved the authorities, your employer, your church and so forth. These concerns are much reduced in our world).
You may not realise that we are a narcissist but you do know our behaviour is abusive. Should you label us as an abuser and in support of this contention list the various instances of our behaviour, how do we respond. Our reaction is not subconscious and immediate like those of our lesser kind. We do not respond in a knee jerk reaction. We know that we are abusive and your labelling of us as such initially has two reactions.
The first is that we fear that we are losing control. Control is hugely important to us because we want you doing everything that we want and nothing that we do not want in order to ensure that you provide us with fuel. Our machinations and manipulations are all designed to gain and maintain control. Much of this is achieved by you remaining oblivious to what is happening to you or mitigating its effect by blaming yourselves (which we aim to achieve) or making excuses for us (again, something we aim to bring about). If you do not truly understand what is happening to you, you remain paralysed in this confusion and you will not do anything about it. You will not challenge us, you will not try to escape us, you will not shut off the supply of fuel. Accordingly, we need to keep you bound to us and compliant. This requires control. If we think that our control is being challenged, is slipping or is being eroded then we must establish it and do so quickly. I will return to how this is done in a moment.
The second reaction is that your moment of enlightenment that we are an abuser (or even worse you actually know we are a narcissist) is one of wounding. You have found us out. You have seen through us. You have worked us out. The potential loss of control is troubling, this being found out is terrifying and damaging. You have wounded us because you have criticised us. By telling us that you know what we are, we have failed in maintaining the state of confusion, bewilderment and ignorance. You have pierced the veil. We are mightier than you, superior to you and better than you, how can it be that someone like you has managed to unravel what we are? What else are you capable of? Who might you tell? We have failed. We hate failing. It reminds us of things we have consigned to the darkest recesses of our mind and now you, you hateful, treacherous, disloyal bitch have done this on purpose. You have done this after everything that we have done for you, because you want to hurt us don’t you? This failure to keep you in the dark amounts to a massive criticism of us. This in turn ignites the churning fury that is always there beneath the surface. This ignited fury will mean we either withdraw, unleash cold fury or unleash heated fury.
Our awareness of what we are actually makes us more vulnerable to the accusation of “I know what you are, you are an abuser, a narcissist” than those of our lesser or mid-range brethren. We are far more susceptible to being wounded by this outing. Our awareness equates to a weakness.
All is not lost for us of course. Our intelligence means that whilst we know what we are and we are wounded by your awareness and accusation, we are not without the means of addressing it. Our intelligence allows us to deflect and deny. We will utilise these twins to fight back, applying our considerable minds to deny what you have said. We will challenge your evidence, deny its existence, twist it around, pull it apart, change the subject, focus on something different, blame-shift and project. Powered by our heated fury this onslaught will be brutal and sustained as we fight to regain control. We will batter you into submission so that you become frightened, upset, angry or frustrated and thus you will give us fuel. Our further manipulations will allow us to regain control as you shrink back from our vicious words. Everything will be thrown at you in order to stop the wounding, regain control and gain the required fuel to power this defence mechanism.
If the situation is one where we cannot risk heated fury then we will issue a flat denial and engage cold fury by subjecting you to an icy and prolonged silent treatment, either of the present or absent variety.
If really necessary and this is of the last resort, we will withdraw to escape your wounding and find solace with another who will provide us fuel to repair the gaping wound that you have ripped in us. We will remain away from you for some time as we recover and enjoy the fuel from other sources as we recuperate. We will return of course because there is a score to settle and more fuel to draw from you, but for now that will have to wait.
We will also engage our energies, once we have gained more fuel (either from you if we unleash our heated fury, from you and others if we unleash cold fury and from others if we withdraw) in rolling out a smear campaign against you. Now you know what we are and we know you know, we need to ensure that this pollution does not spread elsewhere. We will up our seduction of other sources so that they like us all the more and ensure we spread poison about you so you are not believed if you try to tell other people that you know what we are.
Finally, the third attribute comes into play. Malice. The mid-range of our kind would withdraw and seek fuel elsewhere and be done with you for some time until a hoover of positive fuel through a Benign Hoover takes place. The mid-range of our kind would unleash heated fury or cold fury to stabilise the position but then would engage a Respite Hoover or a Preventative Hoover aimed at playing down what you know, restoring the golden period for a while so you focus on that and not this new knowledge or to prevent you leaving us armed with this new knowledge. The mid-range narcissist would do all of this to try and diffuse the situation and prevent it being brought up again. This does not apply to those of us who are of the greater variety. You must be punished for your terrible offence against us. Your transgression must be addressed. Your treachery must meet with a consequence. Once we have established control again and recovered from your awful wounding of us then you will be subject to a malign and brutal campaign as punishment for what you have done. This will happen if you remain with us in a relationship. It will happen if you have tried to escape us. We want to rain hell fire down on you in order to punish you for your disgusting behaviour. This is our right. This is our entitlement. This is how we respond.
You may know what we are, but if you are dealing with the greater of our kind, you may reflect on whether you really ought to make it known to us.
42 thoughts on “No! You Are the Narcissist – Pt 3”
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Interesting and intriguing comments. I knew something was buggered long before I got hit with it, literally and figuratively. Now I’m sticking my beautiful polished feet and toes into a beautiful pool of water. Just like it felt when I dove with sharks and Manta rays in Bora Bora, Tahiti. Enjoying my sweet life with a good man who gets the Narc thing. He was with a few. Playing all my music helps tremendously.
Be Well all 🙂
I believe that it is possible to understand and practice both, narcissism and empathy is like being bilingual.
One can think in one language and speak another or vice versa. Or think in one language and speak that same language. All to convey a message to an audience and achieve the necessary goals.
If you have discovered a way to turn emotions and empathy off, please tell me.
Ava101 – I use the pain that the person has caused me to develop the mindset that the person does not deserve my empathy or care. So that mindset, and compartmentalization, meaning that my empathy will only be turned off for that particular person who hurt me, allows me to protect myself.
You can with certain people. You have to if you want to survive. Be a cunning fox in a beautiful wooded glade.
HG, two months before I threw him out, my 25 year old narc proudly told me he’s a sociopath after an extended period of me discovering many of his lies and online escapades. He hadn’t started to devalue me yet because of the tremendous supply I was (we were together 1 year). There were moments I could get him to trust me and he would tell me he loved to lie and will never stop, what a fantastic manipulator he is and how much he enjoys this. He admitted to having liked his previous girlfriend the first couple of months and then having used her as a money machine the final 9 months. I pretended to be fascinated by his sociopathic ways. Was he just gullible or was there a reason for him telling me who he is?
He either isn’t a sociopath but is a narcissist who wants to be regarded that way, so it is done to gather fuel or he is one, recognises it and told you to see how you would respond to it, again for the purposes of gaining fuel. Either way, he achieved what he required.
Thank you.
NarcAngel: we think too complicated. Fuel is fuel and control is control. Easy as that.
But the malice was there before I called him a narcissist, it was the reason to do so.
Wouldn’t you hate everybody who knows what you are when you met them in real life, HG??
But some words in this article show that you really don’t know about conscience.
Well, HG, you answered my questions (asked on “Don’t you dare cry!”) about you changing.
It’s still just hard for me to believe that someone of your intellectual capacity and your learned and copied “introspection” would want to continue to hurt people, but that’s me showing empathic arrogance. I am sort of proud that I can’t wrap my head around what you are, though I could see myself as a “Mrs. Vankin” to the right narc.
Uh oh! Got to go! Time to re-read “Exorcism …”
For me I was told I’m the narcissist. A massive smear campaign on social media with daily posts on the subject aimed at me . The more I tried to explain to others the worse I looked , I admit I did sound crazy . I wanted everyone to know what I had discovered. . He even wrote letters to my parents regarding my mental state . They did not buy it thankfully . Those letters became evidence when I attended court . My solicitor knew what he was trying to do , my solicitors wife is a psychologist. Just a shame the solicitors , his and mine didn’t believe me when I said he would kill the family golden retriever before handing her over to me . 6 months into the case Bella our beautiful golden retriever died . Did he kill her with he’s own bare hands , no . He just didn’t get her medical attention at the vets for something that was treatable. Once I had found out Bella had passed away I rang both solicitors and said 6 months ago I told you this would happen .
Same here, Bel. He turned it around and said I’m the narcissist. Lol! They are so messed up! We all should be very thankful that we’ve gotten away. They really are sick, sick individuals with no hope of ever having a fulfilling life. I love HG’s articles, but even when he says he’s happy or content with his life, I don’t believe it. Maybe they have nothing to compare it to, but without hope you have nothing. Sad indeed.
Also, I noticed that he’s still my friend on goodreads so I was thinking of adding some of your books HG. I know that as my friend on there, he’ll get updates notifying him of my activity and I don’t know, maybe I’m just being an infantile bitch. But the thought of him looking at your books provides me amusement (thought fuel?). Of course he may not even get why I added the books though.
He won’t care. Even if he recognizes what it is he will just let it run off him. You, your opinions, are nothing. It’s that cold, that hard, no matter what they have done.
You’re of course right, Anne. It would probably just encourage him to go and do some more damage to others to prove how wrong I am.
Anonymous…i think some narcissists could take whats in hg’s books and use it to heighten their game. Im certain my narc would. He takes pride in his tactics and control i know this. I suspect he knows hes a narcissist bc when we met he brought up the term narcissist and empath. Me being naive i didnt understand those terms fully.
Im pretty certain hed read these blogs and use tactics mentioned. He likes to follow what he respects and i know hed respect another greater ive seen this firsthand!
Your narc may do the same depending on what type of narc he is.
Whilst it is not beyond the realm of possibility that this could happen and there is some force in what you write, ordinarily Lessers and Mid-Rangers would not because of course they don’t know what they are. A Greater might, but it would be very unusual for one to be here at all and for any appreciable length of time.
Thx for your input hg. Youre right if they dont know what they are then theyd have no interest in taking any info from your books/blogs and using it. My narc i suspect is a lower greater. I do know he knows what he is and has a system down how he sets his matrix up and keeps it running. Things hes said about a certain greater narc and his total respect for him and obsession tells me hed take whats in your books and enjoy seeing himself in it or adding to his narc art.
You are welcome.
Too late!!! And yes, punishment has been harsh, swift, and horrible! Although i knew it was gonna be bad, i also knew it would hurt him a little! I’ve injured him before and have been put through hell trying to make sense of it, ya name it! Silence, degrading me, smearing me too anyone he knew. Coming back and loves me, and i know now it was before the final disgard. Sooo, me being a little sassy, angry, and taking this apart until i found out what i was dealing with, used my words as a visious attack back! Knowing the final blow would be disgard, insults, I’m crazy, I’m the bully! The final gut wrenching words! The final, i can’t stand you, ive moved on, dnt cal me, bla, bla! At this point idk if i would recommended it, but, for me, it was worth it. What i do see though, is he is erasing me, because no one challenges this man, no one dares! Whats scary is, i know he targeted me for those strengths to conquer, and he squashed me, heart and soul, but, he also knows those strengths could make his life messy! He’s covered himself well, but his own actions are catching up too some. He surrounds himself with much lower people, so their impact is not worth my thoughts, and his circle is getting smaller because not everyone buys it!
Interesting the difference in viewpoints. I am understanding yours as written here, while mine questions why such a superior being possessing so much charm and intellect and who is the master of manipulations, would use that intellect and the energy required, to bother with malice and revenge against such an inferior, pathetic and innocuous little appliance. They are cheap and available on every corner and with your ability to ensnare with ease, one would think you would just direct your focus into ensnaring more deserving and useful appliances and forget about the malfunctioning little toaster as beneath your efforts (as you do when you are in the golden period with someone else) Oh I know that you get the energy from alternate sources to address the traitor, but is it a sign of intelligence to put so much thought and precious energy into pursuing and maintaining control over one who you have deemed to be so weak and of such little relevance? When you have explained that due to the facade and smear campaign no one will believe us if we try to expose you? So surely that is not of any concern to you. Which is it then? That you will allocate considerable thought and precious energy (even into the future if they have escaped) into binding one so useless and disappointing to you, does not appear to support your assertion of superiority but rather hilights a great desperation and need.
Perhaps there is not such an imbalance of power between the Narc and the Empath as you would have us believe.
Or yourself for that matter.
Traitors must be punished. There are degrees of treachery. Not all will be pursued with such malice, but there are those who deserve it. When you survive a coup, you never show mercy with those who plotted against you. They must be made examples of. Not only will they not be believed because of the smearing, they will also be crushed for their transgression. Not all are visited with this fate. Those who are dis-engaged from and they slink away will not be punished with such vitriol. They are passed over as the focus is on the new target. Again, you judge it from your perspective, but from mine this must be done for the maintenance of order. You also forgot one important factor that applies to punishing and crushing the complete traitor. I relish the sport.
HG
Yes, i read your perspective and then gave mine.
I didnt forget that factor.
You arent the only one who enjoys sport.
Great article.
There was so much passion in your response. Call it hate or anger or malice. To me, such ferocious words come from a much deeper place.
1. I think things started to get really shitty for me once I uttered the words “you’re emotionally abusive”. By really shitty I refer to more frequent and longer silent treatments. I have to admit that at the time when these words came out of my mouth, I thought I was being a drama queen. Now in hindsight I know that I wasn’t. I’ve been reading old emails today that I sent to my best friend. Those emails are like my diary because she lives on the other side of the word so I write my entire life down really. I can easily type a whole novel within half an hour so everything is very detailed. I’ve been shocked by some of the things that happened – things I have already forgotten. Like at some point he said he wouldn’t move and then a few hours later he claimed that he never said that. Even though I still have the email. It’s like that time he dumped me that supposedly never happened. Still have that email too. It’s not even a case of “oh maybe he didn’t mean it that way”.
2. This one would also fit with the article above this one, “I Second that Emotion”: when I said “you’re treating me like dirt” he used to say “I can’t treat you like anything”. Basically, he was saying that whatever I feel comes from within myself. Like my pain was some autoimmune disease that has nothing to do with him. He said it’s my choice to feel sad. I guess he didn’t understand that normal people have those kind of emotions, or maybe he just said it to get more fuel from me. He also said “I’m not ignoring you” when he was blatantly giving me the silent treatment.
Anonymous…this is why i journaled during the really bad devaluing. I stopped but should start up again. Its very revealkng when you go back and read your words. We gaslight ourselves into forgetting or diminishing what weve experienced bc we want it to not be true and to focus on what “we want”.
It is extremely valuable to have everything written down. Sometimes my best friend also reminds me of things I told her and have already forgotten about and I’m like “wow, that’s right, that totally happened”. I’m actually thinking of going through the past few months of emails and make a collection of the worst. Not because I’m masochistic or want to dwell on things, but because at times I feel so very down and I think it would be helpful to then read about those experiences and remind myself that he isn’t worth my pain.
Have you noticed any narcissists doing ‘triangulation with celebrities’.
They will idealize or scapegoat celebrities they see on TV. The idealized celebrities will be praised in front of the victim to triangulate?
Absolutely. If you dislike a celebrity, we dislike them too during the golden period and then we think they are great during devaluation and of course, we have always adopted that stance, you must be thinking of that other man you are seeing, how dare you do that to me, after everything I have done for you. And off we go….
Thanks, I’m going to tell any narcissists I meet that Pol Pot is my favourite celebrity because he knew how to get things done. See how they agree 🙂
Ha ha good idea.
Omggg brian my narc did this to me until i told him flat out stop bringing her up! If you are attracted to her thats your business but you make me feel unsexy by constantly bringing her up. He stopped but its so awkward now to even see a pic of her. I hate how he turned something normal into something very awkward. I am glad i stood up for myself! It felt good! He shelved me after that for a bit but id do it again in a heartbeat. He may have some control but not all control. I still have some self respect and if he does things to upset me repeatedly ill confront him on it. ….i know ..i know fuel but to hell with it he can have his negative fuel i can have my power and voice!
Yes, I have come to the conclusion that confronting actually is the best thing to do. But then you have to literally walk out of the room because they will try to escalate.
My mother used celebrities to devalue me. If someone found a physical similarity between me and a celebrity and my mother found out about this (through my sisters for instance) she would say in front of me later, or while we were watching a film where this celebrity played “I can’t understand why people find her attractive. She is not pretty at all”.
Lou
Well I hope if shes still alive and that happens again you respond with something along the lines of: Oh I dont know, I think she is, but you never can tell about someone. Maybe she has a jealous shrew of a mother whose future shes pondering and that wears on her a bit. Then laugh and shudder before you say: can you imagine what a fright the mother must be?!
Noted, Narc Angel. LOL.
I am also practicing my Nelson Muntz laugh to use it next time I see her (if I ever see her again).
HG approves.
I hate that ‘saying things in front of you’ game, and your own mother too. Sorry about that.
Yes, it is pointless to bring it up. it’s just too tempting though. Not only the silly hope they will have an epiphany but just to let it out and vent at the narcissist.
Indeed Brian and that is the power of the emotional thinking. That is why, if you struggle with this temptation, I advocate stating your truth once so you know you have and it will make you feel better and then withdraw.
Yes good advice, and if anyone else is reading this my experience matches the articles pretty much exactly.