Little Acons – No. 24
36 thoughts on “Little Acons – No. 24”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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My mums favorite saying: I’ll give you something to cry about. Thought it one of sayings all mums said to their children.
I refused to cry when getting a whipping. I think it made them mad I wouldn’t cry. Other times if I cried because my dad was pinching my dog’s tail or throwing my cat in the air, I would cry and would hear shut up or I’ll give you something to cry about. When my dad died, I was shamed all over the place for not crying at the funeral. I couldn’t cry. At home I did but it was because I never had a dad that showed any love and now he was gone. I remember an aunt saying to me that I should cry because my dad was a good man.
Predatoriknow
Dont you just love when people tell you how great the Narc is? Like you wouldnt know first hand? Or have your own opinion? Its like they need to say it to convince themselves (especially if theyre related to them). There were quite a few times at StepNarcs funeral that people came up to me (and I sure as hell shed no tears) who said: he was a good man, or he always tried to help. I smiled broadly, patted them and said: you didnt know him like I did and then I moved quickly onto someone else. I saw confusion and a few indignant that I would be so pleasant but say such a thing and it made me laugh. But I wanted to leave them questioning. Intelligent people would figure it out and I care not what anyone thought anyway.
I saw this picture and started crying. The matriarch – MatriNarc in our family is dying. She was badly abused by her mother, then abused her six children and so on. It’s a general consensus that she’s an evil woman. How many lives would be different if my grandmother had a loving and kind mother???
My passive-aggressive narc mother said this to me at my father’s funeral. I think she was afraid if I cried, it would call attention to the fact that she didn’t.
not nice of her
have seen this commonly used on boys…. “Big boys don’t cry”, “suck it up, be a man”, etc….. not my style of parenting
We were allowed to cry but only for a minute. If my mom did something to make us cry, usually hitting or shaming, she would say she was sorry sometimes but the minute she said that she expected complete forgiveness, happy attitude and no tears. If we didn’t do that, she would tell us it was an unforgiving spirit and that was sin.
Possibly all of the southern region of the United States are narcissists because this is a really common attitude in parenting especially boys.
Tiny Dancer — prevalent in all of the states when it comes to boys and crying. If you don’t raise your boys that way, the society at large will hold them to that line. How people feel about men’s tears tends to differ within the culturally diverse populations in the US.
We are intellectually moving away from “big boys don’t cry,” but at the same time if I become the parent of a male child, I’d prepare him for a society that, for the most part, doesn’t expect men to cry. That way, rather than being caught by surprise at the reaction of the larger society, he could cry and be prepared to tell others to fuck off if they don’t like it.
As I stated before crying releases hormones in your body and brain that are very beneficial and needed. Perhaps this is the deficit. The lack of this much needed biological occurrence has caused your brain to just shut off the ability to have certain emotions. WTH do I know? I’m not an expert with anyone or thing other than myself. I will claim this as I earned it. I have said before to others “Do you know what it is like being in my head?” They thought I would say this in jest. We all know there is some truth in jesting.
Ah Oh are you emotionally void?
Violet
No. I would dislike this very much. I do compartmentalize. I do seem to recover very quickly from an emotional upset. I do not like to loose emotionally. I have hurt and I have been hurt.
I feel less today than I did yesterday.
I am selfish.
I am not jealous of others. I do not envy others. My favorite topic is Me. I have been told I am a very proud woman.
I could do without most people. They talk and many times I do not care what is said. Blah Blah Blah. But I am well liked by most and they do seek me out. I can’t blame them as I am witty and interesting.
EMO void, I am not. Maybe a bit flat compared to most. I am passionate for anything that is important to me.
I am guarded. I do have trust issues. People do things to cause this. I am learning to accept that people will disappoint and it is not personal. If I am on tilt everyone suffers. So I try to avoid this.
I am in a good place and content. I am also the most normal person I know.
I am a strong independent person. I have been told I intimidate most men. I am not the damsel in distress.
Why do you ask? Miss Violet.
I thought about it for a minute again. Yes, I can be emotionally void if I want.
Ah Oh I didn’t know your history or if you’re disordered.
What you say about yourself is also how I feel about myself although I’m more toned down.
I don’t seek attention ever and in general can see where a conversation is going before it takes place and I’ll toss it as useless and keep going.
I now realise much of my personality is in response to my overly critical and abusive socionarc home environment. I had to build a lotus to emerge from the shit so to speak.
My aloof and focused nature now works against me as people, especially lesser to mid range narc women, will start something about me without me speaking. I’m a threat because I have never needed anyone. My mistake was a big collapse in my twenties craving connection and of course the snakes slithered on in. I recovered maybe a little quicker because I didn’t do much for them during the relationships however I do hate being involved with people who consider me worthless.
I have always been suspicious of others and I still believe I am spot on when it comes to reading people and avoiding danger. However it was psychopaths that showed me you can draw out someone’s good side and only interact with that. Trust can be built from there. It makes for a more peaceful life. Everyone acts badly when they feel they are under attack.
I am simply complex. I have many dimensions.
I do not have bad intent nor do I need to take on traits of others. I am it! Take it or leave it. It might hurt my ego if I am rejected but in the end, it will not be a loss for me.
I have a hard time with weakness and peoples shortcomings. Yes, I know we all have them, but work the shit out. I try not to be so harsh anymore.
I was impossible at one time in my life. I am not a sociopath and thank goodness for this.
Sociopaths/psychopaths are never to be trusted. There is no REAL good side. Ask our teacher.
OMG!!! Spot on!!! My Dad tortured me with this… constantly berated me for crying. I tried so hard not to but I couldn’t control it. Such a mean and cruel thing to do to a child .
My mother never scolded me for crying but she never held me either. Somerhing i try hard to do all the time wiyh my kids is hold them and give thdm the nurturing i never had.
Narc Affair, I’m sorry you weren’t held. it’s very unfair and invalidating when a child isn’t held and made to feel loved and safe when they cry.
My mom held me (and still would) if someone else hurt me. If I was crying over something she said, however, I was crying “big ugly crocodile tears.” (I don’t even think my mom is a narc. She’s more likely to have BPD. She was very loving at times, but had a way of lashing out in the most vicious way if she was angry.) It was extremely invalidating. I believe that and other things that conveyed the same message, taught me not to trust my feelings. I think that’s why I have such a hard time trusting myself when I feel like someone is unsafe (emotionally or physically). I’ve been trained to extinguish my feelings.
Thx mary…you know growing up with a mother that wasnt affectionate seemed normal bc thats all i ever knew. I do remember a time in my childhood where she was nurturing and it sticks out in my mind. It was one of the few times she could empathize and helped me with how i felt. In my early teens i developed acne and it made me super self conscious to the point i hid from people. It really messed with my self esteem. I felt so ugly almost deformed despite the fact it wasnt severe. Id cry a lot over my face. She sat down with me with some avon books and we selected some skin care products for my face. It meant so much to me that she did that. Like a dried up plant getting watered. It was quenching to my emotional well being. It took my stepdad to finally talk her into setting up a dermatologist appt for me. The doctor thought id have scarring but luckily i didnt. Anyways that is the one and only time i really remember her being on my level and sympathizing with how i felt.
HG — why “Acons”? What does this mean?
My mother would shut the blinds and the windows and she didn’t care if you cried while being whipped. In fact, she never discouraged it. I think it fueled her. Maybe this “Acon” is regarding hurt feelings? If so, I learned to swallow my feelings. What feelings? Ha! Of course, that would boil over into some kind of personality flaw. For me, BPD. I totally get it HG. She made you what you are, as my parents made me what I am. There is a way to “correct” my disorder. For you, not so much.
But I hold out hope for you, Greater, because just as you “learned” and copied emotions, you seem to be “learning” and copying introspection. So, at least on an intellectual level, you know what you do is wrong. Am I correct in that assumption? (I believe so.)
Does that at all change your mind about what you do, or are you just tickled pink at the way you turned out? (I suspect so.)
Could you exercise control over it, with continued care by the good doctors? (I think you could.)
I just realised I have been reading ACORNS and not ACONS. *sigh*
I blame the menopause.
Flickatina
That is a little nutty.
Someone had to say it.
Bahahahaha! I see what you did there!
Nutty – acorns 😝😝😝 y’all are brightening my day! I just see it as a Freudian slip – at least in my case (being a nut myself). I’ve always thought of it as Little Acorns – that it’s a play on words.
And Flicatina – once you get beyond menopause, it won’t bother you any more! It’s sort of like going crazy, it only bothers you while it’s happening. Once you’re there it just means a whole lot more freedom!
Yup. Sister to:
I’ll give you something to cry about!
lol I did not hear this much. I reduced my mother to tears more than she did me as a child. But in the end, I didn’t have tears but an emptiness albeit small, that will never go away. I can never have the relationship with her that could reset things. She died when I was 30 and I moved away from her at a very young age.
Damn, I hated this one. Like there was anything I could do about it!
I believe that crying is an instinctive reaction to internal emotions, just like laughing is. I think learning how to not cry hardens you to these internal emotions and may be one of the steps toward narcissism.
After reading all your little acons, it is now wonder, that you replaced all the normal feelings by hate, envy, jealousy. It was the only exit of a real hard situation in order to avoid other severe psychological disease, in order to avoid real madness. They created this monster, that you are and now complain about the results of their education. Or is your mother even still proud of her education and sees no problem at all? It could be, because she is not willing to take a real look at you and especially at herself. Nevertheless it is still a shame, that you use good people to resolve your inner problems.
Are you aware, that you are still under her influence? I am not sure, whether you realise that. You still follow her rules. You do not cry, you are addicted to success, you still feel shamed for things, you were not responsible for, you do not let go all the poisoned and spoiled messages of your childhood. You still follow them mainly.
There is one fracture in your behaviour. That is this blog, where you talk about all of it. It is a rebellion and another way out.
Mona that’s because the narcissist bases his or her whole personality on anger and blame. I interviewed my parents and while a lot of their viewpoints are realistic (logic) they believe in the harshest possibilities instead of good and they base their personality on the suppressed belief that one day their parent will come back for them, pick them up and tell them they love them. They put reality away for a rainy day that just ain’t coming.
They act so cold and strong but a strong person has the courage to face reality, no?
For some reason I was able to accept this wasn’t going to happen and became empathic. Or a hybrid as discussed.
Yes, Violet, you are right. They still have their own blind spot. HG tells so logically about the behaviour of narcissists and how he himself was created, but he does not realise his blind spot. He does not see that he is always a slave of the education of his parents. He is not free at all. He does what she wanted. He does not allow himself to be empathic to his closest ones. That is “bäh” in his family. And he obeys.
Sorry HG, but this is my point of view.
Mona
what are normal feelings to you?
Mona what I concluded when I was young was that the narcissist still loved but was so entrenched in the family as the “whole world” that they limited stimulation to ONLY be able to exist in that environment and AS WELL as that, to avoid negative or shameful stimuli. They will pronounce to not be ashamed but that is a childish rebellion. Again the personality is based on the assumption their parents really do love them. I remember saying to my Dad, “but if your mother loved you, she couldn’t do those things.” And I was “educated” that yes she could abuse, because she was afraid to be vulnerable. And that is the fucked message that ruined my life when all along I had been spot on. “it’s not that bad” I tried to tell him. But he couldn’t handle the devastation of the rejection.
I think this is why growing up I didn’t feel too sorry for them. I was angry I was strong and had to go without. Now I don’t know why narcissists don’t just enjoy their lives instead of holding on to abuse. They think they can outsmart rejection. When it wasn’t real rejection in the first place – the parent was too sick.
I had to unlearn this crazy wrong advice. Crying releases emotions like a valve on a dam. If you don’t let that pressure out, the dam will break wide open in other ways, like anger and fistfights. Just ask anyone that I went off on or beat the crap out of when I was younger. So glad I unabashedly bawl my eyes out now, stole that line from Alanis because it’s such a great one.
HG is there any way of avoiding abuse if you work with narcissists?
I’ve just dropped one of my journalism jobs again after a mid range cameraman treated me like SHIT with no shame. Walked off, missed the deadline then blamed me, insulted me. It was ruder than any boyfriend I’d had actually. The mid or greater boss defended him and said he might have been frustrated at my inexperience (I’m very experienced).
They are short staffed and probably didn’t expect me to quit but I walked that very day.
I’m a bit tired of all this. Is it inevitable they will abuse? What can we do about it? I’m very good at my job and don’t want to give it up. But I’m not about to go off on location with dangerous people.
You’re writing my mother’s dialogue! And giving the reasons for my emotional freezes! There I was thinking she was an individual and she’s a carbon copy of an illness.
This hurts….