The Online Empathic Target
You are an obvious target when you engage in on-line dating. Your profile acts as a beacon to us. We see certain phrases and descriptions which have us making a bee line for you. You may as well strap a neon sign to your head stating “Empath” because you are sending a clear and distinct signal to us and we will move in for the kill.
On-line dating websites are popular and growing. They have millions of members and billions of page views each day. There are plenty of people looking for love on the internet. Given the ease through which one can browse, select and interact with a prospective date, it is little wonder that online dating sites are extensively used. The ability to avoid having to plunge into a gene pool of who knows what in bars and clubs and other predictable pick-up joints means that firing up the laptop and tablet and settling back to see who is out there has become a major way of finding that other half. I have mentioned before that cyberspace is a major hunting ground for our kind. From apps to social media, through messaging to the dating websites, the speed and reach of technology is a huge boon to the narcissist in his search for victims. Dating websites are no exception. It is there that we can sift through the prospective victims, assessing the target and gauging whether an approach ought to be made to begin the additional fact finding about this individual and commence the seduction. Dating websites attract a good proportion of cranks, wind-up merchants, no-shows, time wasters, married people searching for some sexting and potentially more and these individuals often stand out a mile. The opening gambit of the pervert who is looking for some topless pictures of you is likely to be
“U r gawjuss, do you have nudes?”
Easy to pick that jerk out isn’t it? He won’t be one of us though. He is just an arsehole. The philanderer may well belong to our brethren but when he starts with,
“I am married but my wife and I haven’t had sex for 2 years so I am not really being unfaithful in looking for some action elsewhere.”
You know that he is looking for some extra-marital fun and being so upfront about it means he is unlikely to be one of ours. You never charm somebody by playing your B.L.U.F. – bottom line up front. Rather, in order to bluff, a far more subtle and insidious approach is required. These individuals may have narcissistic traits but they are not in our gang. They operate on a percentage basis. Keep asking for nude pictures often enough and someone is bound to agree. Keep plugging away for someone who fancies a quick bunk up and somebody will eventually respond. That is all they are interested in. They are not after your fuel. We are.
So, what do we look for when we are scouring the digital directory of potential appliances? Naturally, the cadre of narcissist affects the class traits that the relevant narcissist looks for, therefore the Somatic Narcissist will be concentrating on those who look stunning, are gym bunnies, love travel and shopping and such like. The Cerebral Narc will be looking for those who enjoy literature, the arts, demonstrate a higher education and so forth. Those class traits are highly relevant and we do look for them in the profiles of those who place themselves on an online dating site.
We also look for the empathic traits which signify to us that this person has the potential to be an excellent appliance for us and eventually maybe even be a primary source. We scour for those who have the special traits as well, which amount to a bonus. Finally, we look for indicators which tell us that you are unlikely to put up much resistance. Combine all of these indicators – the class, empathic and special traits, add in the knowledge that you are not going to be difficult to approach and engage with and it all points towards a viable target for our attentions. Not all of the empathic or special traits will be present in your profile, this requires additional investigative work on our part which we will engage in, but we will have seen enough which tells us that you are more likely than not an empath and well worth targeting.
So what are these phrases and descriptions that stand out a mile to our kind and have us converging on you? There are numerous that exist, but here is a selection of ones which are used most often.
- Been Hurt Before
Our klaxon goes off to tell us that you are damaged goods and therefore ripe for the taking. Somebody has tenderized you already and thus our insidious charm will meet with little resistance. You will be delighted to find someone so caring, so compassionate, so considerate and so into you. Such a contrast to the predecessor. You will not be warier for the experience but actually more vulnerable because you clearly do not recognise our kind when we come hunting.
- Loves animals
If you are prepared to care for a lower life form, feed it, groom it, exercise it, play with it, buy it things, pay vet’s bills and so forth, you are clearly a caring person. Nine times out of ten an animal lover is also someone who is very caring towards their own species too, there is the odd exception of course, but it is more often a reliable indicator of empathic traits than not.
- I’m new to this/ I cannot believe I am doing on-line dating
You have not been able to meet anybody through a traditional method and you are telling us this because you feel somewhat awkward and silly that you are doing this. Don’t worry, we will put you at your ease because guess what? We will tell you we are new to this (of course we are not) and let’s handhold on this new adventure. This also tells us that there is a degree of desperation to find somebody because you are trying to suggest you do not use this ordinarily. Well you are here now aren’t you because nothing else has worked?
- I like to stay in with a glass of wine and a DVD/cosy up in front the fire/ walk in the park on Sunday and go to the pub for a roast/ have Sunday brunch and read the papers together
You are a love devotee. How so? These standard phrases originate because you have watched the fabricated happy Hollywood couples in film, or read about them in glossy magazines and novels which advocate that this is the way that couples spend every evening or Sunday together. You are susceptible to being sold the ideal of how love is, the romantic and wonderful view of love and by using phrases such as these you are indicating that to us loud and clear. You want an ideal form of love? Guess who can manufacture that in an instant?
- Church/God/Spirituality
If you make mention of this on your profile you are exhibiting, you operate by a moral code and therefore you will have empathic traits. If you demonstrate some form of spirituality this tells us that you have a belief system and therefore you are susceptible to suggestion. This ranges from being a good and decent person through to someone who believes that love will solve every issue and problem. That mind set is appealing to us.
- Charity involvement
If you make mention of your work at the local homeless shelter, you volunteer with a medical charity or are engaged in fund-raising we know you are a giver and not a taker. We also know that you have significant levels of empathy and that you will go the extra mile to secure the happiness of somebody. We want that attitude directed towards us.
- I am a middle child/ I come from a large family
There is a good chance you have not been afforded the attention you might otherwise have wanted and thus we know that we can secure an easy win by lavishing on you plenty of the aforementioned attention. We also regard this as demonstrating that you are quite stoic individual who has been used to just getting on with things, so that having someone come along and help you and put you at the centre of things will really gain your approval and appreciation.
- I just got out of a committed relationship
So you have and by writing this you are telling us two things. The first is you want another one pretty quickly because you do not like being alone. The second is that you have evidently been the one who has been dumped or cheated on as you are saying you were the one who was committed and you want other people to know that you were committed. This tells us that you are keen on getting to the truth of the matter, an empathic trait and that you will stick around.
- I am looking for a knight in shining armour
So many bases are ticked with this one. You are a love devotee as you are sold on the idea of romantic love. You want someone to save you and therefore you will respond well to such overtures. You have evidently suffered previously and therefore you have been softened up in that regard as detailed above. You are also expecting somebody else to be chivalrous and bear the burden, which translates into you wanting that person to buy you things, take you places and spoil you. No problem, that all comes as part of the Love Bombing package.
- I am seeking someone who is financially secure
You have financial problems which we can exploit and/or you were with somebody who had financial problems so you want to avoid that happening again. You are attracted to success (or the appearance of success) and this is a motivating factor for you. We will be happy to factor that in for you.
- I am ready for a long-term relationship
You have not been able to find anybody so far, so desperation is starting to creep in. You are also a giver and believe in relationships, you want to be bound to somebody and make it work. You have just tilted your head and exposed your throat to us.
- I want to be swept off my feet
Another indication of being a love devotee who believes in excessive romanticism and also a key indicator that our whirlwind approach to seduction will reap significant rewards and find favour with you. You will be swept off your feet alright, you just may have trouble getting up again.
- I am tired of games
Again another signal that you have suffered in the past and therefore you are susceptible to manipulation. This offers us the chance to exhibit that we are honest, straightforward and reliable to draw you in and then we can commence our manipulations of you with impunity.
- Looking for The One
More evidence of the love devotee, someone who is ready to pour their heart and soul into the relationship and therefore you will be overflowing with empathic traits. Not only that, you will fall prey to our various ways of telling you that you are The One, Our Soulmate and The Person We Have Waited Our Whole Life For.
- Mention of the caring professions
If you happen to explain you work in nursing, look after the elderly, you sign for the local deaf community and so forth, this lights up that you have empathic traits and this especially appeals to the Victim Narcissist who will be looking for his own personal carer.
There are many more and we look for a selection of these in somebody’s written dating profile to confirm to us that you will have the various traits we desire and that your resistance to being seduced will be low.
Time for a re-think on what you have written?
29 thoughts on “The Online Empathic Target”
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This reminds me of a greatness Netflix series called “click for murder”
I don’t remember what my profile said. I just know it must have been long because I don’t do concise. I could go check my profile because it’s hidden and I never deleted it. But I can’t do that or else I might see him on there and I might throw a fit. But yes, totally staying away from online dating for the rest of my life. I’m sure narcs exist everywhere but fact is my bullshit radar works better in real life. Or more like I’m not ever really interested in men because I find 32 reasons why I don’t want to be with them before I find one why I should. Online they can persuade me and talk me into things, in real life I’m already gone before they open their mouth.
Mary ….I know the lies narcs tell and I know how they in tangle innocent people into their horrible evil world . The only villain is the narcissist 🦋
Thank you, Bel. You make a very good point – just about anyone can be sucked into a narc’s world, at least without the awareness we have found here and in our own history with them.
Hi Anonymous…the online dating would scare me too. Its not easy meeting people but i think its better to meet offline and see their mannerisms and get a spidey sense of what theyre about. Its so easy to hide so much behind a screen and keyboard.
All of the profiles for the twenty-somethings my N friends online are of pretty, peace-seeking, yoga practicing, outdoor adventure loving, pet owners. I had no idea how many women like this there are online until I searched her friend list.
Mary, you sound like a smart woman. Yet you knowingly slept with a married man & seem to justify it by believing his lies. Are you really the victim in this story?
Jeannine, you don’t know the whole story.
1) I sexted and skyped with a married man.
2) I kissed him in person and made out a little. Once. No sleeping together.
3) You seem to think I would need to “justify” it by believing his lies. I don’t need to justify anyone I fuck. That includes anyone who is married. Indicating that if a woman knowingly has an affair with a married or otherwise attached person, she isn’t as vulnerable to narcissistic abuse? That the bullshit and manipulation of the guy are of no consequence because she knew he was married? Yes, lying, but also emotionally sadistic games.
I may have misunderstood your comment, but I didn’t see any reason for it other than to invalidate my experience.
To add to my comment above to Jeannine…
Not only does it invalidate my experience, but it does that of every other person on this site who had entanglement knowing their narc was married or partnered. I think that’s what offends me the most. If you want to call me out on “not being a victim” then okay, but in doing so you are saying that about several others here and that is really shitty.
Mary, you lack character, and a basic sense of morality and decency. You are a predator bitch. I sincerely hope you get exactly what you deserve. Blech !!
HG, even if the guy is open about being married, and the fact that he’s had affairs before, he can still be a narc, right?
Mine was open about it and said he and his wife even have sex sometimes, but his needs weren’t met, that like me he didn’t feel desired at home. I thought his being honest about it was a sign that he was straightforward and would not play games. Could his being open about that have just been a way to earn my trust? Or maybe I am wrong and he wasn’t really a narc?
He can be Mary yes, that in itself is not determinative, merely indicative. Keep in mind he will most likely be lying about the domestic set-up (“we never sleep together/she doesn’t understand me/he thinks my clothes are painted on”) and this is done to engender trust on your part and create the impression that there is no existing relationship really which can be interfered with.
Thank you for elaborating, HG. He told me he and his wife have sex once a month and that she doesn’t show any desire.
My profile said: open, honest, reliable… There he came marching into my life. Had I known what I know today, I would not have jumped into the illusion. But the sex was oh so mesmerizing, I ignored all the red flags from day one.
My profile actually said I was an empath, a nurse, and looking for a mental connection. I’ve learned a lot since then. I understand the sex thing as well. I think fear and anticipation made it seem a lot better than it was though.
The sex is so worth it up to a point lol.
Great post HG. You need to change your WordPress settings so that when individual blog posts are shared on FB it uses the post thumbnail pic. Makes it more relevant to the reader too. Happy to offer my IT services…ha ha 😊
“you are damaged goods”
This applies to all of us. It just manifests differently.
In giving examples of the other bumbling idiots online asking straight up for nudes or hookups, you say, they don’t want our fuel. You do.
What’s interesting about that is what is fuel to you comes across as substance to us in contrast to these other one dimensional characters offering nothing but a waste of time.
Clarece,
You are right on!!! This is what happened when I met my narc. It was a gaming app, but lots of guys half my age tried to sext. As you said, the one-dimensional “hey baby” introduction did not even get a reply from me. The narc’s introduction, however, wasn’t over the top and it made it apparent he could have intelligent conversation. He seemed to genuinely want to know what made me tick. He did discuss meeting early on, but not in a creepy or pushy way. It was more of a “if we keep talking, we should try meeting up one day” kind of way, which was reasonable. It seemed like our desires were so similar and compatible. Now I know that was his way of figuring out my needs and vulnerabilities and mirroring them back.
It is exactly like you said, the narc’s interactions with us feel more substantial than the obvious bumbling idiots. It’s hard to differentiate between someone truly interested in knowing you better, knowing if you’re a match, versus someone looking to use what they learn to manipulate you.
Assholes can look and sound like nice guys. But real, nice guys sound that way too!
Hi Mary,
Plus doesn’t that seem like normal conversation for someone to gently suggest in meeting up soon if the vibe from the conversation keeps going well? It’s impossible to judge correctly! Impossible anymore. Lol
There is another guy too. The one fresh from a divorce or bad breakup and they desperately want to replace what is lost. They always want to meet right away too. But besides being clingy and following around like a puppy dog, they’re harmless.
Hahahahahaha maybe……
Both ex narcs use on line dating to lie to poor innocent woman . Precisely the reason why I have no intention of ever using it myself .
HG, you mentioned under point 1 about being tenderized. What if the opposite is true that a person would instead be calloused?
Every narc that has pursued me has been from “real life”… the long admiring friend from university, the colleague from another department, the mutual friend at a holiday party. I’ve dodged your type on dating apps, since you also leave your calling cards and red-flags that can be analyzed before meeting, and avoid the situation entirely. It’s the real life people, with the slow-simmering attraction that has built over the years, that you can’t help but give it a try, despite a red-flag or two….
Hi RunningAway! Very tricky. How do you differentiate a legitimate slow burn leading to a romance over time with a foundation seemingly being built on similar values vs one that is a Narc pursuing? At some point, everyone has a little baggage or a red flag or two. I worry about the same thing.
Hi MLA,
I haven’t been able to figure out that distinction just yet. Part of the problem is that these people know enough about you as “friends” that when they decide that it’s your turn in line to be a primary appliance, they already have the groundwork laid, are certain how caring and trusting you are, and know what weaknesses to exploit.
It makes me want to be done- you can’t win online or in real life. At the same time, never trusting again means the narcs win, and that the have more power over your future then they should.
HG, thank you! I wish I could remember what I wrote in my profile when my narc swept me off my feet. And write the opposite!
Could you please write a piece on what we SHOULD put in a profile to discourage the narcs?
PS: since I shared that video, he stopped coming to my home.
Holy crap.
Pretty much my profile.
Ok, this is all getting wiped.
What should I replace it with to repel narcissists?
Can’t believe I’ve been such a douche.