Achieving NoFuC
Achieving NoFuC is the way to force the narcissist to leave you alone.
If you are being pestered by someone trying to seduce you who you have no interest in.
If you are being badly treated by someone who is bullying you.
If you are being repeatedly harassed by someone you were once in a relationship with.
If you are being smothered by someone who seems pleasant but is behaving over the top at the outset of your involvement with them.
If he or she just will not leave you alone.
You are in all likelihood being hoovered by a narcissist, whether it is in seduction or whether it is devaluing behaviour. Whether it is at the outset of the relationship, during the relationship or after the relationship such behaviour where this person will not leave you alone exhibits the behaviour of the narcissist.
To deal with them, you need to achieve NoFuC.
To understand what this means, what needs to be done and what it achieves, use this useful logic bulletin today.
21 thoughts on “Achieving NoFuC”
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Yesterday I received a text from my ex-narc out of the blue and after almost 3 months of no contact. He sent a picture of a religious icon with a message saying “Look. This is the icon I bought that I was telling you about.” I am the one who got him more in to our faith. I ignored the text and wondered why he would be sending this message as I have not spoken to him in over a year and our last text exchange was quite nasty. Forty five minutes later he sent another text saying “Sorry. I sent this to you by mistake.” I suspect he was wounded by my not responding and was either trying to cover up his intention and/or trying to make me think he meant to send it to the new fuel source.
H G, was this is a hoover attempt? How would a person send a text accidentally to someone they haven’t contacted in months?
Hi, can I ask if anyone on this blog has any advice they can share or have ever found themselves in this situation . I have just recently stood my ground with a Hoover and have never done this before , he used his usual tactics , email , text , a phone call and his sister passing messages . He is a victim narcissist and uses his mother and sister a lot for simpathy they have no clue what he is. Instead of me feeling good about ignoring his hoovers and not going back as I always have done in the past, I feel worse.ive ignored him and told him quite simply I’ve heard it all before and I’m not interested . He tried a new tactic that he will seek counselling , I told his sister he will not its more false promises . Why do I feel so bad when I should feel pleased that I have finally not caved in and he’s gone away ? Can anyone relate to this ?
It is your emotional thinking seeking to con you into contacting him by making you feel bad. You had your emotional thinking under control with regard to the other hoover attempts, but this alternative approach has found a weak spot. Resist it and it will pass. Also, read But I Can Change to understand why this comment about counselling has impacted on you.
HG I need you to live in my house with me as a full time therapist
I can virtually.
Hi Lisa,
For the longest time, I clung to wanting some kind of parting of ways where it was in a good place. With kindness shown. I really wanted him to remember me in a good light.
Recently, I finally arrived to the place that I don’t care how our last conversation ended. I don’t care anymore how he remembers me, if he remembers me, or if he forgets the good parts. I’m thinking because yours is pulling a family crisis card, it is affecting you because you don’t want him to view you are heartless per say. You want to be viewed as being strong, having a backbone finally and setting boundaries. Those are respectful. You typically would not still avoid another friend in this scenario if you were annoyed with them. It is out of your character. HG is right that your emotional thinking is kicking in because you would be sensitive about this kind of situation normally.
Yes Clarece your right it goes against what you would naturally want to do , which is reach out to someone to support them. That’s good that you’ve got to that point with yours . I can’t say I’ve ever worried about his memory of me because I know and he knows that I’ve only ever brought positive into his miserable pathetic life and I’m sure yours knew that too. But it means nothing to them because they are mental lol
I never had golden periods just the monster being kept under control for short periods . His family believe all his nonsense and I have to say I’ve never had any desire to smear him or tell anyone what he is , people just do not understand this . I’ve been reading about it for a year and I still struggle at times . I’ve tried to tell my mum but she’s completely baffled and just thinks he’s an arsehole . Clarece having learnt all this from HG do you think you would be able to spot another narcissist quite quickly if one came along ?
Lisa,
Remember that you are coming off of an anxious attachment to him. He triggers the anxiety. He wants you fretting over everything. You have to quiet the anxiety and like HG and MLAC have said, try to cut your emotional reaction. Your need to feel secure is tied to him. You want the security you once knew but, it was fabricated. He is not a secure person. He is avoidant with his emotions. Don’t spend your life thinking maybe this time it will be different. It won’t. Or what if all my hard work pays off when he’s with someone else. It won’t. Eventually he will replicate the relationship you had with someone else if he is not already doing it. Get secure with yourself. You are most important.
Thank you Anna Belle
Hi Lisa! You asked if I can spot narcissists now with what I’ve learned from HG. Yes. Quite a few actually. It’s helped me recalibrate my internal warning system because those that I recognize now I sense something off with them, but now logically can connect the dots.
My biggest challenge is digging deep and seeing a lot with my ex-husband and that is difficult while co-parenting our daughter. Had another pow wow tonight with him. They’ve been more frequent this past year and I think it’s because I’m finding my voice. But emotions run high for Momma Bear. If there’s been any emotional attachment that’s where it gets tricky.
Hi Lisa
I thought I would share something with you my mother shared with me which I found incredibly helpful. It may help you or it may not. Depending on your thought process.
When you feel a certain attachment to someone after a break up and you are aware that it is unhealthy and want to disconnect, try to remember how you felt about that person before ever knowing them. Obviously you felt nothing towards them because you have never met them. Then train your brain to feel nothing as you did back then as you move forward. With practice you may be able to develop indifference to their person.
It works for me.
In any event, HG has great advice so read his books and accumulate the information he imparts here on this site to help you deal better with your situation.
Good advice Sniglet and thank you
I give NoFuC.
Love it, strongerwendy! That’s what the bracelets RunningAway suggested should say. Because it can also stand for “no follow-up contact.”
I’m crying laughing at give NoFuC. I need a bracelet with that saying as a constant reminder. I’ve been through almost all of the manifestations you detailed in this article. All of your posts, but especially this one really help me understand that which makes no sense to my empathetic mind. I credit you HG with preventing me from taking the narc back in the IGH, which is *almost* over, I can hope.
Ha Ha. This article is perfectly timed.
I have 4 narcissists (lawyer, medic, engineer, IT) hoovering me via text, email and linkedin. I blocked them on all. The emails go to spam but I do read them. Deleted my FB account. They have been doing the hoovers for over 8 months with no contact from me and it is incredibly frustrating. Their messages range from threats then apologies after the threats to looking for obituaries world wide about me or tracking down my family. I made contact with one because he owed me a favor (nothing happened, he wants to, too old for me) – so now he has been shoved back to no contact. They don’t get a clue, and are like flees, they just don’t give up! I have other interests – younger, fitter, better looking.
It is not easy for a woman to do what you do.
HG, any suggestions from you on how I could get rid of them quickly would be greatly appreciated?
HG, your article has the answer and is very clear and informative. Preserving NC is best and easiest. Was looking for a quicker fix, but not possible. (Oh my prev comment should state fleas not flees).
You are welcome.
By all means Sniglet, the best way to do this to maximum effectiveness is through a consultation.
H.G.
I am #2 on your list, but, I have not had an IGH from him. It was 10 days before he would even answer an email from me where he blamed me for everything and basically called me a POS for leaving him..he does occasionally throw that in my face, along with “trust” issues he now has with me, & how I brought out his abandonment issues, even though he and I both know why I left.
Mostly he contacts me when he’s drinking, he sends songs and acts silly, but never asks me to come back, he has stated that he does not want me to come back and then says he never said that. As a matter of fact, if I get emotional (I wont lie and say that I don’t- I spent 5 years giving my heart and sold my soul to this man) or if I feel a little evil I will tell him how much I love him and ask if I can come home, that will usually shut him down for awhile.
He does not call only texts.(We have not spoken in the 2 months since I’ve been gone)
Both of our Facebook pages are silent as a tomb, although I’m sure he has his stuff hidden from me, or his playground is elsewhere. I do not seek, because I do not want the devastation of knowing whats going on.
I’m not sure what kind of hoover tactic this is (benign?), or if it even is a hoover…?
He and my Son-in-Law have occasionally tag teamed me with some very terrible Malign Hoovers, but that has recently stopped (I really hope I nipped that in the bud with my Son-in-Law, who is definitely an LN ).
Does any of this make sense to you? What exactly is he doing here and is this just a test for something really big and much worse to come? I know you always say that the person who escapes has to pay..but how is that? In what way? And why, if there is already my replacement? (I don’t know for certain if there is, but I am no fool, but maybe he doesn’t because I left too soon and he’s low on fuel?)
I keep thinking that if I just play nice, stay aboveboard, not hide, and answer his occasional drunk text, I can avoid this altogether. I’m sure that’s wrong.. What is your take? Do I need to worry or will I be one of the lucky few who will be able to go away quietly if there is such a thing.
I know this question is lengthy, but I wanted to give as much info as I could so you can decipher it. You’re the guy with all the answers here, and I would really like to know what this is and if I need to be afraid? Thank you very much.
I am assuming that my hoover was during our separation and after he told me one of his girlfriends was pregnant. He said, ” You can take me back”…. I told him to ask her how she felt about that. Then 3 months later he wished me a happy birthday early and said he said he was “trying”… I said “trying what exactly?” I guess I didn’t react properly. When I wouldn’t take him back, he asked if I wanted to be the babies aunt!
Now he owes me alimony and is not paying… I guess he thinks he is above a court order. He has missed 4 payments, except paying me a minimal amount on his birthday. I guess he wanted me to think of him that day? It’s awfully confusing. During our marriage we split twice and I went back. He told me when I caught him in our bed with another woman on Xmas and we separated, that we could always get back together. I told him not if he got someone else pregnant. I wonder sometimes if he did that on purpose or if she did, who knows… Mind you, this is a different woman than the one in my bed. He still tries to hoover that one too. I think I am just being ignored and not paid right now. Court is in August. It never ends…. if he had not conned me out of so much money in the first place, I would let it go. This is my only chance to get some of it back. He is playing the baby card and that he is having to use the money for her. I have evidence of otherwise. It’s all about him. I doubt I will be hoovered again. Although I would find it humorous. I think he will just move on to someone else. I am 16 years older than him… there is that too. He asked when he could put me in a nursing home right after we married! I was 43. I have had the most unbelievable past 10 years …. It is really hard to believe it all really happened. It seems to be such unusual circumstances, even due to the fact that he is a psychopath.
I thank you HG for helping to make some sense of all of this. I think you are much more sophisticated than my ex. He once told me he thought he was like Christian in “50 shades of Gray”…. I told him he would never be like that. I guess he meant the personality and thought he meant status…even though I knew he wanted that too. Now he is pretending to be a hillbilly in the mountains with a beard, accent and with the current supply and baby. I suppose she is fine with him playing with guns while drunk, I was not- hence the devaluation. It’s amazing. Obviously I became unimpressed with him and he lost the good supply from me and mostly got negative at the end. I am allot like his Mother… the good side of course, lol She tried to warn me… His Father keeps praying for the best. His Mother gives him the silent treatment when she is mad at his actions. The whole situation is a mess. She said I was lucky to get out and that she was stuck with him for life. She wanted to remain friends with me, but I realized eventually that blood is thicker than water. She would take his side if it came down to it. She may even be afraid of him for all I know. She told me some strange things he did in the past. I realized I didn’t want to hear anything good about him and she didn’t want to hear anything bad. I just wish she would have said more in the beginning, but I would think it would be tough to be in her situation too. She seems really tough on him, but she put up with allot. He said with a Mother like that, how could he turn out normal. She loved him when he was a little boy and had wonderful stories. We both he could have just been the person we knew in the past, but he couldn’t be. It is very sad.
Sorry for the rant, but I just wanted to get this out of my system and with your ability to explain some of it to me, I feel safe to post it here. You just can’t tell anyone about these things… only those who know. Thank you….