Death
It is fair to state somewhat euphemistically that death is an inconvenience for everyone. In respect of my kind and me, it causes all manner of problems and issues which are especially irksome. Death generally only affects people in two respects. Their own death and the death of other people. Our responses to those two aspects are far-removed from that of the reactions of ordinary people and especially those of an empathic nature.
First of all, how do we regard the death of someone else. The demise of a stranger causes to response from us unless we realise that in order to maintain the façade that it would be advantageous to say “the right things” and come out with those empty platitudes that people do so often when they read of a tragedy somewhere. When this happens and somebody makes mention of some loss of life, perhaps the drowning of a toddler who was not being properly supervised and fell into a bath or the consequence of an aeroplane crashing, I observe the reactions of the collective with interest. There are the expressions of shock, the declarations of horror and how this is such a terrible event. As I watch and listen I do wonder who the greater charlatans are in this event. Is it me who does not care and cannot care but pretends to do so in order to maintain my precious façade or is it those who claim to care about somebody they never knew and would never have known?
If the death of someone is closer to home, a friend or a family member then my reaction is no different save that it is laced with irritation and indeed often anger at the loss of someone who was a source of fuel for me. If that person forms a supplementary source, then there is irritation at this loss but this person can readily be replaced with a new member rising to form part of my coterie. If the person who has been lost to the hand of the grim reaper is a primary source of fuel, then I am consumed with fury. How could this person treat me in this fashion? I gave them everything and then they leave me in the most complete fashion, with no chance of that sweet, sweet restoration. This departure amounts to a criticism of me, a reminder that even someone as great and powerful as I was unable to prevent the removal of a potent source of fuel. Thus this criticism ignites my fury and I rage at the injustice of their death. Some who witness this might mistake this response for an outburst of grief at the taking of this person. It is not that. It is the explosion of wrath at someone who was so potent to me escaping me and thus denying me my rightful fuel and denying me the opportunity to put in place a replacement. I do not mourn their passing away. I rage at the passing of my fuel source.
Do not expect to see me attend the funerals of those that are regarded as supposedly close to me and where my attendance might otherwise be expected. I will not be there. I know there are those of our kind who revel in the drama and the high emotion that is attached to a funeral and regard it as a honey pot for the acquisition of fuel. There are those of our kind who will hijack the occasion and make it all about them, wailing and shedding those false tears in order to draw well-meant sympathy from the other attendees. There are those of our kind who will create a scene at the funeral, arriving late, arriving drunk, collapsing part way through the service, making a snide remark in a loud stage whisper in order to draw reactions from everyone else that is there. Yes, many of our kind will attend and exhibit their over-acted grief purely to draw attention to themselves and away from the person who is now lying in the cold, hard ground. Our kind will express their huge sense of loss, how the deceased was such a wonderful father, caring mother, beloved uncle or best friend. Such a shameless performance which is carefully choreographed in funereal black to maximise the opportunity to have the spotlight shine on them and thus drink up all the attendant fuel. A disagreement will be provoked with another family member and harsh words exchanged. Over the top blubbing will take place with cries of “Don’t leave me!” as the coffin is lowered. The occasion of death and the attended ceremony provides a wonderful stage to our kind to perform our sick routines to make it all about us, fashioned from the pretence of actually caring. We do not care. We cannot care. We resent the fact that this person has escaped us. We resent the fact that everybody is turning out to pay their respects to the deceased and not training their attention onto us which is where it should belong. Should you ever witness melodrama at a funeral do not mistake it for the exaggerating effects of grief and loss, you are observing one of our kind milking the moment for all it is worth.
That is the response of many of our kind to the loss of a “loved one” or a “close friend” who has passed away after a full life or taken too soon. It is not my response. I have only ever attended one funeral in my life and that was the funeral of my father. I only broke my own protocol to do this as a consequence of the diktat from my mother and also at the behest of my younger brother who begged me to accede to her request so that she would not erupt and undermine the occasion of our father’s death. I duly obliged, just the one, purely in order to satisfy my desires however. I wanted to rein in my mother’s theatrics and watch how she really responded to the death and subsequent committing to another place of my father. You may well have read elsewhere in my works of that particular day. That was the only time that I have attended a funeral and I did it to further my own understanding and in order to loathe in my own private way the way my mother was behaving. That gave me tremendous satisfaction.
Thus, I only broke my protocol of non-attendance once and shall not do so again. Why is it that I will not attend funerals when there is such a prime opportunity to take centre stage and draw greedily on all the available fuel? It is a simple reason enough. I will not attend funerals because I do not wish to be reminded of my own mortality. Like a medieval monarch who stayed away from funerals, even of the preceding monarch and his own wives and offspring, because it would cause others to contemplate the death of the current monarch, something which was treasonable, I too will not attend. I have no desire to contemplate my demise. I do not want to recognise that one day all of this must end for this offends my notion of omnipotence. I do not wish to linger at the edge of the abyss that is life, staring into the nothingness of oblivion. Such is the finality of the mortal end to one’s existence, it engenders and raises the very prospect of that extinction that I fight against each and every day through the acquisition of fuel to maintain my construct and keep myself from being consigned into oblivion. To contemplate a mortal death is to invite the horrifying reality of the extinguishing of who I wish to be and that which I must not let happen.
I do not fear my mortal death for I will have my legacy in place and thus I shall live on through that. No, what I would rather not be reminded of, through the occurrence of the passing of others and the subsequent surrounding ceremony, is that I sometimes teeter on the brink on annihilation. The thought of that fills me with despair, only for myself and therefore I choose not to engage in that which will so forcefully and rudely remind me of it.
I know death embraces all eventually. I am not a foolish man and that is why I have worked to secure my legacy so that I may out stride death.
I care not, save for the loss of my fuel, when its cold hand snuffs out the life of others. Our type does not mourn the death of others. We are unable to do so. We are not equipped to achieve this. Never expect any sincere mourning to ever be evidenced by our kind.
I care not to contemplate what mortal death signifies for me in my ongoing struggle to keep such annihilation at bay.
31 thoughts on “Death”
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I met my ex fiance in 2015 and it had been two years since 2013 when his mother died from cancer. Looking back, he and his father deserve Academy Awards for best performance as a grieving widower and only begotten son. The father’s house was eerily exactly how the mom left it. Pictures of her were everywhere and it felt as if she was still around even down to her knitting on the counter. The dad had even kept her clothes in his closet for all those years. It literally blows my mind that it was all FAKE. They did not feel any emotional connection to the mom. Wow. just Wow. Thank you for the insight HG. I now see this fuel seeking foolishness for the pity party, triangulation and gaslighting that it really is and to think I actually used to feel sorry for them that they had been dealt such a bad loss.
Hi Star, in my country there is a TV show in which adopted children search for their origin family. Many of them have a strong desire to find their mothers and fathers, although they are happy with their adoptive families. When they find them, there is often a sudden strong bond between the origin mother and the grown up child. Mostly the mothers were in great distress in past and gave their child away for a better life. You really see the relief and the great pleasure, that their children found a good way to live. These children have been loved by their origin mother and the adoptive mother, so that they seem to have a normal life and only small problems. It is only a TV-show and maybe they show only the good events… Maybe.. I believe the first months /years are very important for the development of a child. Many disagree- but I am of the opinion that the time before birth and short after birth is very, very important. And the newest science reports seem to support that.
That makes a lot of sense Mona:) the bond between a ( healthy) mother and child, (and or father) I don’t think anything could ever sever it:)
HG, since your Father’s funeral is the only one you have attended, how did you handle getting out of going to a funeral if one of your IPPS’s had a death in the family or with friend, co-worker, etc? Are you sometimes honest and explain they can’t ever expect you to go, or just avoid it and it causes a fight or major disappointment?
My professional commitments invariably mean I am unable to attend (whether that is true or not, the reason always holds good).
“Oh, someone died? ”
**HG looks at watch**
“Well, damn it, I got this task I was just assigned by the Queen. Top secret, you know. Can’t share my location and all but do give my condolences for me, dear?”
**kisses cheek and dashes off to DLS**
(Cue James Bond music)
Star, was your ex a “natural born” narcissist or did he have an narcissistic father?
I’m not sure, his dad died when he was 14.He never seemed to remember much about his childhood, like nothing was really fluid and no emotion was attatched to anything.Kind of I think how HG describes his childhood. It’s like he didn’t even have the emotional ability to even feel anything for his family other than as he put it ” their loyalty “He said he remembered the day his dad died but again he said he felt nothing at the time, and said he didn’t miss him at all or cry. He said he was annoyed because his mom was upset and cried a lot.I am not sure if there was any abuse of sorts. He never mentioned anything always made it sound as tho everything to do with him was perfect.He was adopted as a baby and due to the circumstances, I’m pretty sure there must be some sort of genetic component.His family said he was just overly spoiled and never taught consequences.But who knows maybe one or both of his parents were narcissist and just hid it very well.
Thank you, Star, for your answer. That sounds terrible and it seems to be more genetic than caused by the family.But we do not know what happened to him as a baby before he was adopted. I know a very, very healthy family, which adopted a (now grown up) baby. This girl has a lot of problems today, although she lives happily with her adoptive family since a few months after birth. She is not able to see what kind of feelings other people show and she always needs help to recognise,whether someone is good or bad to her. She cannot distinguish it, although she is intelligent. I asked the adoptive mother, whether she knows anything about the original family. Yes,she knew. The real mother was a drug addictive and the circumstance of this baby must have been horrible. We both discussed, if it is the consequence of some kind of a brain damage or if it was because of the behaviour of the real mother. Of course- we could not find an answer.
Be glad that you escaped this man. He seems to be a narcissist with strong psychopathic traits. And that can be dangerous not only for you but also for the rest of his adoptive family.
Hi Mona:)Yes it sounds as tho it was similar circumstances in his situation as it was your friends child.I’m curious as to whether this is common with children who are adopted, such as they are abandoned and feel the loss and it alters the brain chemistry. I am glad we got away, and his family is as well. One of them secretly checks in with myself and my children( no he does not report back). They are sad for him, he is kind of falling apart within himself has aged a decade, and getting more and more odd and apparently intolerable. My guess is lack of fuel. People are on to him now and he has burnt many bridges.He is not in the same cadre as someone such as HG:)
Star
Being damaged by prenatal drug use is very common in adopted babies where I’m from. Often the court system will remove babies at birth from drug using mothers and these babies seem to nearly always develop problems that can be noticed by elementary school (5-8 yrs old). It doesn’t seem to matter how much the new parents love them or whether the parents are emotionally healthy themselves.
Windstorm2 thank u for reply:) Ahhh that’s so sad.when you think of the innocence of babies not even having a choice as to how they will become… monsters creating monsters, inflicting pain onto others. I guess really everyone is a victim… so unfair and unnecessary:(
HG, sorry to be so selfish but what happens to us if you die? Sometimes you go two days without posting comments and we all freak out. What if you die and never post anything again? Will a minion tell us you are gone and close the blog? Sorry to make your death about me.
HG isn’t going to die anytime soon.
I vividly remember the day my exes mom died. He was on the phone talking to a family member saying ” ok cool, awesome, thanks for letting me know.”Made some sort of joke about how he was about to eat a huge breakfast . Made a joke, laughed away and clicked the end button on his phone. The entire day he was especially euphoric but didn’t say a word about his phone conversation ( and by then I had been trained never to enquire) 8 hours later climbing into bed he said ” oh shit btw, I forgot to tell you. My mom died.” I was in instant tears and hugged him tight. She was a good lady , I was truly saddened. I remember him looking deep into my eyes, like he was trying to absorb my reaction to make it his own. His eyes managed to water slightly but not even a single tear could escape. He actually mocked me for feeling so much.Then he flipped over , said ” ahh well no use crying about it, nothing I can do about it”,and fell asleep immediately. Among many other things that was a huge ah ha moment, and weeks later with my therapist I started planning my escape.
An excellent succinct summary of this facet of the narcissistic personality. Thank you for sharing that.
Thank u HG for allowing me to share. It’s therapeutic:)
You are welcome.
OMG Star
How awful. And quite frightening. So cold. A robot.
😯😦
I appreciate your stories n insight into the mind n behaviors n reasons of a,narc, but at times I am almost enraged by you. If you are well aware you are this way, why would you not want to change. Aren’t you miserable sucking the life out of people who can love and have feelings? ?
No I am not miserable at all Glenda, I am this way because it serves my purposes and I am effective at it.
A true empath does feel loss when someone they don’t know dies, due to their capacity to relate to and connect with all living creatures. As well, empaths grieve the loss of unique beauty they believe is innate to all individuals.
Q! Mid-Ranger and terrified of his own death! … common or not? Very odd behavior of someone in his 50s…
we could not talk about it at all .. he’d freak out and almost went into a panic attack.
Applicable to a MR.
Thanks 😊
you should think about donating your body to science, OH SNAP!!! You couldn’t be a heart donor, because you have none
Curiouser, and curiouser! Although I’m not surprized at all with the lack of grief, and I’ve seen displays of a actor on a stage in the event of a departed person, from grief to greed, if the situation calls for it. All very disturbing for someone like me. Do you not wonder at all of the consequences after death? As you say, you leave a legacy, but it’s of very dark stuff. What if it’s in death but of a horror even your mind can not fathom. Here’s some crazy making, i did die, mine was not of family and fluffy clouds. Mine was not of a bright light and peace. Mine was a battle, in which i do not wish to elaborate on any more then to say it was horrifying, and a battle of lies, deception, and literally a fight for my soul. I won! Now i would like to say I’m a good person at heart, tried to always do what was right, treated people well, and with no malice. But obviously, i had slipped enough in this life where this battle insued! So is there no fear that the creature you have refered to on occasion might be waiting for you when you are no longer able to breath air? I know my opinion is of no importance, and easily disregarded. But you must wonder on occasion what’s in store in your oblivion.
Wow this is so telling. I think not just narcissists but many people avoid funerals for the same reason. Its really a personal choice and no one should be forced to attend a funeral. When my best friend died from an asthma attack at age 16 i went to her open casket and i vowed never to do that again. It wasnt her inside the casket. What makes a person is their soul. I found it deeply upsetting.
I think its good you went to your fathers funeral HG you may have regretted it if you hadnt of gone but again its a very personal decision.
I think it hits it on the nail that narcissists omnipotence is crushed by the thought of their death and mortality. Its easier to live in the here and now and forget that one day we all will die. More importantly is the fact many will be ill before they die. Ive worked around many terminally ill and this to me is worse than death itself in many cases. It really humbles you when you see how fragile life is. It can change in a heartbeat. One day youve got it all the next youve been diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer. Its all in how you handle it and its then you start to think how you lived your life and will you leave any legacy behind. How did you treat people and how will you be remembered. The narc always needs people but they too will leave this world how they entered…alone. i think narcissists could learn a lot talking to people who are terminally ill and living each day as if it were the last. Maybe theyd gain some insight or maybe theyd withdraw even further into themselves out of fear.
I agree with what you are saying here Narc Affair, my Mother has a hard time attending funerals… even for her own family! I am not sure talking with terminally ill people would help here though… to me it would give more reason to go out and do whatever you want. With no fear of Hell, why not live to the fullest, what ever that is for you?
That’s what I was thinking KP. It would be a scary world if the narcs all lived each day as if it were their last!
But for narcs to gain insight into themselves and into their behavior – I think that would be good on the whole. But every solution always creates new problems. I’m sure it’s no coincidence that the narcs who have the best understanding of themselves are often the most manipulative and Machiavellian.
Interesting… my exes Mother wouldn’t let him attend funerals as far as I knew. He was very upset they didn’t let him go to his Grandparent’s funeral. They told him after it was all over. He lived away from them at that time. When we separated, a close friend of the family died. They told him not to come home for the funeral. He went anyway, trying to get me to loan him money to get there, making a big deal out of the whole thing. The current supply loaned him the money. His Mother told me he was on his best behavior and ended up a pallbearer. I found out later he used the time to tell all his friends that we had split up, because I had cheated on him… smear campaign. Honestly, I think he was curious as to what he had been kept away from in the past and wanted to upset his Mother by showing up and then acting properly making her look like the cold one for not inviting him.