Little Acons – No. 31
48 thoughts on “Little Acons – No. 31”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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Out of all you Acons this one reminded me of many things long ago.
I was laying in the dining room floor focusing on one spot gritting my teeth, tears seeping from the corns of my eyes. I took my knee out and part of it was exposed (riding a bike), she told me it wasn’t nothing. She finally called my mother to come get me and take me to the hospital.
My husband telling me not to be a baby after he dislocated my leg. Not letting them know it hurt to breath after he broke one rib. Being told all I had was a stomachache when I had appendicitis. Him telling the doctors no drugs when I was in labor and I was not to make sound.
We were playing paintball and I was shot on the collarbone which broke the skin and I was bleeding, I ignored it but he saw it. I remember he came over and told me I was bleeding. I touched it and looked at my fingers. He took my fingers and cleaned them off then asked if he could take care off my collarbone. I didn’t know what to do. I was fully capable of taking care of it myself. Looking in my eyes he said one word. Please. I nodded……
I know, that he could not cry anymore. He did not. It was not forbidden by his parents, but he said he cannot do it anymore. There were no tears left. I know that nobody comforted him, when he was a child. They had no time for him and his problems. So, if there were tears in the past, nobody cared.Crying was not forbidden or devalued, in his case it was only useless. I know that one of his friends died in an awful car accident and burnt alive, because the seat belts could not be opened. Therefore he never drives with seat belts closed. He has had no-one to talk about it. It was uninteresting, because it was only his friend. Life is hard. He made himself hard then and closed all the gates of feeling sadness. One day he said to me , that he must become softer again, as if it was possible to switch feelings on and off. I do not know, if that was a lie or whether it was a trial to be more human again. His malice won.
When he had fever as a small child his parents left some medicine for him at his bed and went for work. They told this little child (about 5 years) when it has to take the medicine. Late in the evening they came back. He must have had a lot of fear at that time. Now he denies every fear. No attachment to anyone, only “fuel.” He said that he has no feelings for any other human. He does not feel anything for another person. Nothing. I do not know why he confessed that to me. There was no need to do that and it was not made to humiliate me or shock me or to gain some compassion. He said that with a peculiar expression on his face.I am still shocked about that confession, because I know that was no lie or exaggeration. He proved it by behaviour.
.
I was told crying was a sign of weakness and he couldn’t bare to look at me when I did it. One time he put a pillow over my face to not see me!! I guess to show control over me too. I only saw him cry a few times in 10 years and it was all because of sadness over his own emotions, not anything anyone did to him. He asked me why I was crying when my brother in law died-that was odd to me to have to explain. The time that stood out he most was when we were split up and he pretended he was sad we were not together, got me to tear up and then instantly stopped his sad voice. That’s when I realized how well he could fake it.
KP
You triggered some ugly memories for me! In my family the narcs would do that to the children – talk really sad about something bad that had happened and act like they were about to cry. Then when the child would get distressed and begin to cry, they would laugh, taunt and ridicule him/her.
Damn, I’d wiped that out of my mind. Almost makes my blood pressure spike after 50 years! Probably cathartic to work thru it now, though. Having so many repressed memories like that may be what makes me have to fight not to take my Taurus Judge out and blow the heads off my narcs now when they taunt me for negative fuel. God only knows how many times one of them has accused me of over-reacting. But no, no I’m not.
HG, that is awful to look in this big sad and wounded eyes of that child. It hurts through the monitor.
I cry less now that I’ve been going to therapy. And also acupuncture. I think they’ve been instrumental in releasing stagnant and negative energy. I come out of these sessions feeling so light and happy. I could skip down the street. One of the therapists told me to make sure I stay grounded or else I would float away. I’m not sure how that would happen but it sounds cool. My head is mostly in the clouds anyway.
Love ❤️,
I’m so happy to hear you are feeling lighter! Do they also do some grounding work with energy in the acupuncture? So glad your combination of healing paths are working, you have worked very hard and it shows even here 😊
Thank you Indy! I’m glad you say it shows because I think I must come off as super crazy and air headed. Lol
I don’t think they’ve done any grounding work in acupuncture.
I am a cry baby :(.
I was never a cry baby. But there was a time in my life, about two years where I cried up to 4 hours a day. I was diagnosed with postpartum. I did not take meds. I came though to talk about it.
wtf does acon mean?
Adult Child of Narcissist. Has it taken until number 31 to ask this Ah Oh?!
I recall now reading the meaning when you began acon memes. My mind is pre-occupied. I’m raging. I need to cry to release and it is not happening.
I will make you cry if you want.
Good cry or bad cry?
Depends what is wanted and whether I wish to provide.
promises promises
I am a slow learner.
Hi AhOh,
I’m sorry you are raging, hon. Family stuff? Hugs
I can really relate to that feeling of needing a crying release and not being able to get there. I had that for a while (years actually). I was in fight mode and my emotions dimmed a bit. I knew I needed to cry. Just in the past couple of months I cried for the first time in ages and I felt I was finally connected back to my emotions. I feel soft again. A year. It took a year for me being not contact to feel again. It’s been a really rough year with a death of a non Narc ex, a suicide of a close family friend, and breaking up of an engagement. Some great things too, including the dramatic improvement in my grandson’s abilities, finding my feet again, healing, becoming a more effective fighter (thank you HG) and meeting some great folks here.
I rarely cry as it is, and hide it often. It was a wonderful release. I hope you get there soon too. I also wonder if it’s my damn hormones as I’m in my late 40s 😂
Hi Indy, You are very sweet. Yes, it is issues with my sons who are self centered entitled little asses right now. But I have it under control now, I think. My son’s GF is a horrible girl and I can’t do a damn thing about it. I believe she reads from HG’s playbook.
I did have a bit of release but I am sure there is more to come. Mainly because I physically need to.
The age thing, hormonal thing? That never goes away………..ever. You just might not get a power surge with the tears (hot flashes).
Again Indy, you are too kind to reach out. I did consult with our favorite Narc and he pointed out some very valid points and gave me some great suggestions and avenues to take. I consulted with him instead of my therapist because it was what I needed more so than one who is empathic. Hard, cold, truths. Buy a shovel and bury them in the desert. 😉
AhOh,
Hey, we all may be virtual strangers but we know each other at a level far deeper than many people in real life. Of course I care. For each and everyone of you that I have interacted with over the year. I am really glad you sought in the wisdom of our favorite narc 😊 I have been trying to get my sister to consult with him as well about her plan. She is doing better though still stuck because of children, custody visit fears and psycho inlaws.
I’ve been dealing with flood/pipe issues for the past week. My neighbors hot water heater, pipes etc. all started a down pour in my home. spent several nights in hotel with two cats that hate each other. Let the dry walk work begin, ugh! Fun times of Indy the Animal Nut and her Arc.
Sending you best wishes and glad to hear that you have it under control. I haven’t had hot flashes, though these tears over movies and crap is a bit different for me. The tears that came from past pains though was an amazing release.
Hugs
Indy
Sorry to hear about your flooding problems. I’ve never lived in an apartment. I hope that means someone else has to clean up the mess and do the repairs. You need a dog and bird to go with your cats!!
Im way on the other side of menopause. My experience was it was an obnoxious pill to go thru, but once on the other side, life is soooo much better!! That’s when I really came into my own and first was able to look at the narcs and just say “no.” No emotion, no sympathy- just “no.” Grown men don’t need me to take care of them. All my life it seemed I’d choked down what I wanted and done what I was asked to. Well that time was over! If you’re like me, it will be a very freeing time in your life.
Hope you’re back home soon!!
Thank you Windstorm2!
the apartment complex is fixing all the major issues at present and covered my hotel fortunately. However, I’ve had 6 leaks in 1 year!! And they wish to charge me a transfer out of this apartment. I’ve lived here for years as I love the old style and location. Maintenance and management has always been an issue though. I had to get very assertive to get them to pay for certain costs I incurred and even what felt like aggressive to me. In other words, I had to be a bitch. They didn’t want to budge on some crucial things like mold prevention and plumbing codes, until I mentioned legal. I hate that. Why are people so willing to take advantage of folks until they know you know the law. Georgia tenant protection laws suck.
Yes, I bet I am going through early changes given my age and tears. I’m already getting the attitude of “I have no fucks left to give”. Haha I do like this! You do feel like a kindred spirit to me,
Wind. Tough, wise and soulful.
Off my renters rights soapbox (if it doesn’t collapse from mold). Hehe
I need a pit bull and a vulture 😂
Oh wait, I do have this, a lawyer😂
Indy
Glad to hear you don’t have to pay or fix it. That’s what I’d have to be doing. Luckily my sons and exhusband can do plumbing and all types of maintenance and the legal stuff too. He’s a prosecutor. Hard to get him to actually do much legal-wise, but at least he’s free!
I highly value a man who can fix his own house and car, but my exhusband was lamenting that ability in himself just the other day. He said, “self-sufficiency is the road to poverty.” Which he’d heard somewhere. I answered, “Well, at least that explains a lot!” I think it may be the reverse that’s true, “poverty is the road to self-sufficiency.” Whatever – to me nothing beats a man who can successfully turn his hand to anything.
Well, I’ve got to fix breakfast for my 5, 3 and 1 yr old grandkids here. Have a great day! I often feel like we are kindred spirits also!
Oh enjoy those grand babies ❤️❤️❤️ And congratulations on your new grandchild 😍
Thanks!! I will. And hide to escape them when necessary for my mental health! 😜
Wind,
I agree about the man that can fix anything too. My father was that man in my life. Cars, electric, plumbing and roof. He was a machinist and jack of all trades. It wasn’t pretty but it was functional 😂
We needed that as I grew up in a house from the 1880s. My dad saved our family a lot of money doing it all. He even would invent things in his workshop. I miss him. My son has it in him but he’s always traveling as a welder. A mans man. My dad was the quiet smart type that hated people hahaha. Military, handy and brains.
I also agree with your interpretation of that saying-/poverty leads to self sufficiency ….in some. I’m a bootstrap kinda girl. No one can hold me down and tell me I can’t do it. got my own money and not dependent on anyone.
Indy
Totally agree! My father was a complex and handy man, too. Think he was a lower greater elite. First in his family to go to college, but fell in love with carpentry in WWII. Very charismatic manipulator. Held minor public offices and could fix and build anything. He and my mother built and sold houses together for years (she was a finish carpenter).
Daddy was a great orator. He could convince a crowd of almost anything! He gave great speeches! The more people the easier it was for him. He loved a mob! He could always argue any point from either side. He said you have to totally understand your opponents position to be effective convincing people of your own.
Part of me misses him sometimes. He’s the one who taught me to think and question and to love all learning. I will always love him for that. But he was a narc and had his narcy flaws. My parents were one of those greater/midrange pairings. He and Mama fought horribly and they each worked at making the others life a living hell. She won in the end. She got him committed and they burned his mind out with electroshock treatments. He was only a shell after that. Ended up committing suicide when she told him she was putting him in a nursing home.
I sure agree with the last thing you said! The one thing I’ll always be grateful to my mother for is all the money she hoarded and rat-holed away. And I guess also I’m grateful I was such a disappointment she was afraid to have any other children (which I heard repeatedly), cause that meant I inherited it all! And money sure helps healing and independence!
You have endured a lot, Windstorm2, with both parents being self absorbed and giving very little to you. I do wonder how you grew with such little nurturing, learned to survive as the only child? I do like your perspective on taking what’s good and leaving the rest. You learned from their strengths (a love of learning and strong curiosity, independence) and let some things go. Impressive and speaks to your resilience.
My parents were not narcissists. They were less nurturing, not as involved with us and not lovey-dovey. My dad, I think, was more avoidant-schizoid cluster A personality. A loner genius type with a limited range of emotions except anger lol He didn’t try to provoke arguments and wasnt verbally abusive. Just quiet and grumpy. Lol My mom was severely depressed, had ptsd from severe childhood abuse, and was very anxious. I feel lucky I made it out.
Indy
I don’t know. It just was that way. They took care of me in that there was always food (although we never ate together), clothes and school supplies. Study and learning were emphasized but I always spent most of my time alone outside in the woods or later on the roof or on a raft in the pond.
From my earliest memories, I have drawn comfort from nature and felt a strong connection with what I call God. I’ve always been able to feel and pull in energy from nature and feel empathy with all the wild living things. I think that’s what saved me and kept me from overwhelming despair and loneliness.
Fighting suicide was a constant battle after about age 11. Learning how to deal with people was very, very hard. I still have a lot of trouble and anxiety in all social situations. I give credit to my children and my father in law that I’m still alive and functional today. And my mother in law, too. She was a very special person. “Let go and let God” that was one of her favorite AlAnon sayings – transformed my life.
Oh Windstorm2,
You could have been a sister of mine. I was just writing to Twilight very similar things. Energy from the world that we pick up on. Nature was always my grounding, the mountains of Vermont, trees that reached to the heavens, I’d lay by this pond on top of a small mountain (our water for the town) for peace, by the great river for the sense of power and knowing something larger, and lay in deep holes my sister and I would dig for artifacts from previous residents.
Yes, it’s hard to be around groups of people. Especially superficial ones. Small talk is a chore. I too had frequent suicidal ideation since a child. Attempted half heartedly in 2nd grade. Damn. It’s what was my beast, my dragon, my teacher. It led me to my calling as a therapist. Have you looked at Reiki? I had a supervisor that helped me with some techniques to help me not absorb others emotions as my own. I’d suck in anger and depression and it would trigger me into going into dark places. I’ve improved a lot since then.
In DBT, we are told that we “Tread where angels never go”….working with highly suicidal clients and going to those dark places without fear. We have to go there fully in ourselves too. For me, it’s like playing with fire, one that is ultimately healing and cauterizes the wound.
Perhaps you and Twilight and I are all what HG calls energy empaths (not sure if I got the term correct).
Hugs and healing vibes ~~~
Indy
Indy
I always wished I’d had a sister. I’ve adopted two honorary ones – one of which is a narc. Didnt know that when she was 10 though!
You beat me out on the suicide attempt. Didnt try till I was 9. Went out and laid on the road at a blind curve in the night. No cars came. I can still remember how the hot asphalt felt. I ended up thinking that it would be horrible for whoever was driving and didn’t do that again. Once I got my first pistol at 11, I knew that would be the way to go. While I have sat up all night holding a gun, I’ve obviously managed to get by.
I did start reading a book on Reiki, but should get back to it. I have a Wiccan friend who does rituals with me whenever she visits family in Tennessee. I do believe I’m an energy empath – a.k.a. “crazy” to most people! 😝
Windstorm,
So you had the dance with death too, from early on…I wonder if this is common among energy empaths? I’m sorry you felt this pain too, not an easy path at all. I could never have a gun of my own, out of fear. Only now do I know I won’t do it.
I had both this feeling I did not belong in this realm and I felt this deep pain that I feel like I was born with. My attempt at 8 was seeking to end pain really, with a mild attempt with chewable vitamins and aspirins. No one knew. Later, in my early adulthood, it was the train tracks, bridges and internet searches for the best method. Never told anyone. The staring down death was a thing I did to seek answers from somewhere I had no clue. I then sought help from docs. I had a son, I didn’t wish to hurt him so I lived. I think this battle has served me well to understand those with BPD (or traits) deeply as well as those with severe MDD. My peeps.
I grew up on land that had a long history of tragedy and in a very old home with death in it. I felt things in land, people and things. Nature gave me a break from this, a clensing. I had dreams that haunted me until I left that land. People brought more energy and it was too much. I became the quiet watcher of people. I was never in groups. Again, only in mid adulthood did I find I could manage others and their energy. Im a true introvert that looks like an extrovert at times.
Yes, I’m drawn to pagan and energy based beliefs too. They know what we talk about.
I sometimes think the dance with the narcissists in my life was like a life lesson on energy and learning how to become stronger. A “meant to be” experience…our dark teachers. Now, onto some light work😊 It never ends though…dark-light-dark-light
Indy
I completely understand what you said about not being able to have a gun. I can’t count the number of evenings I have just sat and prayed not to get one of mine out and blow my head off. I just sat and repeated a brief prayer like a mantra over and over. Often it would be hours till I finally got tired enough to fall asleep. In the morning the feeling would be gone and I’d be ok until the next time. Once I could drive I’d often have these kind of compulsions to drive fast into a big tree. Wouldn’t work now though. I’ve got a Prius. Damn things have 11 air bags! I’d just end up mangled in a hospital somewhere.
We seem to have a lot in common. I feel the energy of all places and pick up on vibes from the past. Where I lived while I was married triggered all types of eerie feelings and nightmares. I picked where I am now because of the feelings of peace I get there. And they don’t come much more introverted than me! Like you, thoughts of my children and now my grandchildren help me resist offing myself. I sort of see it as one of my purposes to hang in here is to help other people and make their lives easier. Even the narcs. And I’ve learned a lot about myself and grown into a much more caring, deeper person because of all my narc entanglements.
Maybe that’s why God put us here so sensitive and different. It makes us more in tune to others pain and let’s us be a more effective force for good. Do you ever feel that your being able to sense energy and others pain gives you a sort of strength? Words are failing me. Sort of like a blanket of compassionate understanding you can wrap yourself in? That both protects you and turns your focus outward? That keeps you from fixating on yourself and your own problems and let’s you be more effective in helpings others? Maybe all that pain and angst we’ve had was because we just hadn’t learned how to deal with it yet and there was no one to teach us?
Enough deep thinking for now. I’m going to be babysitting the three oldest while my daughter takes the new baby for her first checkup! Have a great day, spirit-sister! 💕
Love you Indy the Empath Warrioress and all my other sister wives ❤💙💚💜
Indy best of luck with everything you have going on. You are doing an amazing job! Fight the good fight ✊
❤️💛💚💙💜🖤 To you Love and all my fellow fierce women…and all our favorite Narc HG.
(Feeling a little like the narcissist version of Charlie’s Angels). HG, can you write something along this lines? Please Charlie?
My dear Windstorm, I believe that you are a true empath, don’t you see this?
Ava101
I do believe I am an empath, probably a spiritual or energy one. I’m definitely not a super empath or codependent.
That’s what I meant, Windstorm.
😊
Hey HG…. How about you have a poll of OUR ACONS??? Would be relevant and topic for discussion… but must keep it specifically ACON and you would have to moderate all the non ACON out of the poll…
Here, I have an ACON FOR YOU: “you will never make it on your own”… YOU ARE WORTHLESS”…
HG… so what is the difference between this ACON & ACON # 24? I see it as the same
Crying is healthy not just emotionally but physiologically. Its healthy to cry and release toxic emotions. Its very unnatural not to cry. I tell my kids all the time to let it out and that crying is ok. So many men were taught that to cry was weakness and shameful which is total bs.
The narcissistic parent is annoyed by crying bc it makes them uncomfortable and they look down in it. It shows the real self and theyre about covering that up.
Crying and laughing are the best emotionally releases. It doesn’t happen often but sometimes my daughter will call me or I’ll call her and after we say the common “whatcha doin?” one of us might say “just cryin”. If one of us needs to talk then we do but mostly we just say to cry as long as it takes. It’s so cleansing. Downside…waking up with puffy eyes and lips.
Agreed, the narcissistic parent gets overwhelmed because they don’t know how to bond and how to comfort. With feeling inadequate they project that back on the child making them feel weak.
I’d never thought of that, Clarece. I picked up all the time that my mother was frustrated and clueless on what to do with me, and she made me feel very inadequate, frustrated and inferior, but I’d never have thought that this was just her projection!
You’ve triggered a Satori moment for me!! Going to have to meditate on this. Thank you for this insight!!
I guess it’s just a boomerang of either mirroring or projecting in and out otherwise they get stymied. I’m glad to glad you had that moment for the words to facilitate clarity for you.