Found In Translation
The way that our kind speaks is a language all of its own. Narcspeak appears at first to be a normal way of speaking, with the inferences, interpretations and connotations that one would ordinarily expect when hearing phrases such as ‘I love you’ and ‘I am sorry’. You will not grasp that there is a different meaning to much of what we say to you, at least not until it is too late. Once you have mastered Narcspeak however it becomes readily apparent what is actually being conveyed to you. Understand this form of double speak from us is a useful skill to achieve. Not only will it bring clarity to what has been said to you in the past and what was really meant, it will assist in understanding how to deal with the narcissist in your life going forward, if you have occasion to interact with him or her again.
Narcspeak arises because we operate in a different reality to you. We perceive the facts differently and therefore there will be an alternative interpretation attached to what we say. We know the context of what we are saying, so that it apparently fits with the situation and the discussion, but that is purely as a consequence of our ability to mimic and to convey what should be said. We know what we actually mean when we say these things. We mean something else.
This allows us to evade any culpability at a later juncture if you try to tell us that we said something. We may deny that we said it and if we do admit it, our admission is only ever in the context of what we intend it to mean. We use these words and phrases as a cloak to what we are actually saying to you and the sooner you begin to understand what we are really telling you, the sooner you will achieve a clarity of understanding which will remove the fog of confusion and enable you to decide how best to respond.
By way of example here are a number of phrases which you will always hear with our kind and beneath is what is really being said to you.
I don’t think that it suits you
You look absolutely ridiculous
I didn’t look at anyone else the whole time I was out.
I kissed several people. I have no idea who they were.
You must believe me.
I am telling you a lie.
What are you thinking?
I am not going to tell you anything until I have worked you out first so I know what will be the right things to say to you.
Don’t you trust me?
I find your insecurities both irritating and wonderful. I am annoyed that you think you can exert control over me. I am pleased that you are anxious and I make you that way.
I promise.
I’m just going to tell you what you want to hear.
We will always be together.
You belong to me. I will pick you up and put you down as I see fit.
I cannot stop thinking about you.
You and her. Oh and her. Her as well.
You don’t understand me.
Everything I have told you is a lie so it is little wonder that you do not.
I like you.
You do what I want.
I need some time to myself.
I am spending the night with your best friend.
We are just friends.
We have slept together and we will again.
I am so confused.
I want someone else now.
We have nothing in common.
We never had, I just made it look that way.
You will always be special to me, no matter what happens.
Your fuel is well worth coming back for and that is why I have come back.
It was nothing serious.
Yes, we had sex.
I didn’t do it.
Oh yes I did.
I’d like to see you again.
You have more fuel to give me.
Let’s stay friends.
I want to establish a reason that seems credible to you for returning and hurting you.
I don’t really remember.
I know only too well, not that I am going to admit it to you.
I am broken.
I know saying this will sound good and I am feeling somewhat desperate at the moment to keep hold of you.
She meant nothing to me.
Her fuel meant everything to me. More than what yours means to me.
I must have been drunk.
I was drunk. I often am. I know what I did though because I wanted it to happen.
I am just speaking my mind.
You had better fucking listen to me.
I am not starting an argument here.
It’s fuel time
I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better.
I haven’t a clue and I don’t care.
I will change.
You are a fool.
I want to be a better person.
You are a bigger fool than I first thought.
You always make it all about you.
It should be all about me.
I’ve no idea who she is.
I have slept with at least a half a dozen times.
I don’t recognise that number.
I do. Why is she calling me when I told her not to?
I’m not with anybody.
I am but that is not standing in the way tonight.
It is all rather complicated.
It is bullshit.
I didn’t mean for that to happen.
Oh yes I did and I will do it again.
You made me do it.
I am too weak to accept responsibility.
You don’t have to if you don’t want to.
Goodbye.
I don’t know who I am sometimes.
That sounds deep. She will love that.
I love you.
I expect you to do what I want.
I love your fuel.
39 thoughts on “Found In Translation”
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So I confronted him about chatting with a co worker who i think he’s having an affair with (they’d been online at the same time often, sometimes in the middle of the night) and he ofc denied it. Since then, radio silence from them both on whatsapp, I assume they are chatting somewhere else.
I then ignored him for 48 hrs now and today he wrote “just wanted to say I came online just to see if you saw the photos I sent you *wink*”.
Translation please??? He wants fuel bc he knows I don’t believe him and will start an argument? He wants to show me he’s getting away with it by changing chat methods? He wants to imply “see, you are crazy and I only come online for you”? What is the deal?
Ofc I ignored this message too.
“You’ll always be special to me” is my most heard one…followed by “Always with these nonstop annoying arguments” or “I didn’t do anything!” Or “You are PARANOID – wtf is wrong with you?”
“I haven’t slept with anyone” (meaning, he didn’t sleep)
“I can’t even get it up since you left” (He was on cialis)
“I have never brought anyone back to my house” (meaning they were at HER place)
“We only did it a couple times”
“I am an HONORABLE man!” (After I was told that she slept on a cot in his hotel room)
“Now look what you made me do!” (After he threw our king size mattress across the room and screamed something about our sex life with the kids nearby)
I believed all this for 18 years! I feel so stupid now. I have spend the last 7 years since our divorce reading everything I can about narcissism. It hasn’t been until HG Tudor that I am healing. Honestly!! Thank you HG!
N: “Please don’t fall in love with me”
After a couple of months:
N: “Why is it that you did not fall in love with me?”
Me: “because you told me not to. Did you want me to fall in love with you?”
N: “haha…I always say that to my female friends, but normally when I do, they fall in love with me anyway.”
Well, go figure….
This one was a great read and helpful. Looking back I can now recognize the things he said that were red flags I just missed them. Are these types of people ever honest about their intentions and why? During our breakup my ex asked me if I thought he was a psychopath, said he manipulated me and used me to fill a void inside him and enjoyed it, and said he uses his son as a pawn to get what he wants…and then he laughs….and told me I need to be smarter than that…
The opposite of what you say is the truth~
Maybe sometimes we know we’re being baffled by bullshit, but we need to hear you lie to us so we can feel better about ourselves and why we remain with you.
Just food for thought…
Jody Allen
I see your point. But the problem with that is that it is all delusion and comes with constant abuse that pulls us down and makes us feel even worse about ourselves. Far better to work on self-understanding and self-improvement. Then we can have real reasons to feel good about ourselves without abuse.
Agreed♡♡
HG… If it wasn’t for your translations and text messages parts 1 & 2..Well…actually all ypuve said. It would have been more difficult to nail her ass in the divorce. I told her, HG told me everything about you. She signed those papers like they were on fire. 😉
Hello EC, I am pleased to see that. I may use that in my marketing
“Once EC’s narc knew he had HG in his corner, the divorce papers were signed like they were on fire.”
The ex greater did have the ability to be honest. I would voice my complaint while he patiently listened and say very calmly “why won’t you apologize?” and he would calmly and gently say “because I’m not sorry.”
Truth.
Yes, 12345 my exnarc was that way, too. He said a number of truthful things. Were not so nice to listen to, though, either.
You made me do it. – I am too weak to accept responsibility.
This is is very interesting you said that HG. From all the things in the world I would never expect that it is WEAKNESS that prevents you from taking responsibility.
A comment made by a Mid Ranger, “you made me do it” is not something I would say.
Really? But that’s right, my possibly midrange ex said that all the time, my exnarc never. Hmm ….
So twisted… and add
But I’m allowed to call whom ever I want when I confronted him reaching out to his “psycho ex wife”…. when I had one foot out the door 🚪 …..
go ahead … she’s moved on and is happy so good luck finding a new supply because I was out of there … it was a hard few months for the ugly man since he had no one lined up… so nasty, so ugly, rotten teeth, fungicide on his feet, big belly, and warts … WHAT was I thinking? The new supply poor woman … is quite ugly and old looking… but she does not deserv what is coming. I so wish she will figure him out before she is homeless and broken too. Of course I will not contact her … but I wish someone did.. or at least gave her hint of where to look for evidence.
Hard day today! He has not done what I’ve asked and therefore needs to be punished via the authorities. Had no choice …
Interesting. Ty for that.
The more I understand, the more I am satisfied that “Narcissistic World View” smacks of impairment. As a system, it’s precarious, lacks the ability for self-sustenance and is entirely dependent on the strengths (perceived as weaknesses) of emotional “hosts”. Superficial power. Weak by definition.
Your opinion Nin and one you are welcome to express.
Is a lack of self-sustenance a problem for us? Perhaps for some of our kind when a fuel crisis looms, but it is not an issue at all for those of our kind who have significant and established fuel matrices.
Is the power superficial? I suggest not. You may regard its basis as that but its impact is far from superficial as the millions of victim horror stories testify. Accordingly, to suggest it is weak by definition should read ‘weak by the victim’s definition, but not by ours.’
Thank you, HG. Yes, it is just my opinion, of course, as I express it. Am I not seizing the power?
I do firmly believe it’s fundamentally a case of arrested development, regardless of school or cadre. I have known many that you describe and like you, was raised by a narcissist. A PatriNarc, you might call him.
The distinctions you personally make are definitely interesting and insightful, but ultimately arbitrary to your target audience, the victim, as all entanglements involve consistent damage and conclude congruently. You are brethren, after all.
In regard to suggesting that millions of horror stories attest to your power, I do believe the numbers speak more of the uncontrollable need to leech from numerous sources, as opposed to strength. A lack of control suggests weakness to me.
Do you still like me HG?
You sir truly are WICKED , but you are describing so many of the nefarious people I know and for that I thank you .
You are welcome.
I hate this post hg…..so much truth in a time where I choose to ignore all the signs. He used to say I hate ignorance. It’s not that I was ignorant…I just choose to ignore it which I guess may have been ignorance in his eyes. He would always say “you are the stupidest, smartest person I know”. What the hell does that mean? I’m sure I already know the answer but would like to hear yours.
“You are intellectually clever but clueless with it (either absent-minded, naïve, easy to manipulate).”
Heard many of these, and it still hurts to know what it all really meant! Thank you for opening our eyes to the truth!!
You are welcome Matilda.
🙂
Why is she calling… Oh wait… I’ll just use that to triangulate and hurt you for fuel but keep claiming I have no clue who she is…
I laughed at “I didn’t do it. Oh yes I did”
Some of those became very very obvious along the way…
“I don’t recall. I know exactly what I did but I’ll never admit it to you”
Darn right he knew and darn right he did despite lying his butt off and denying.
You should write and publish the first full dictionary on narc speak
“She’ll always be special to me, we’ve known each other for over 20 years” -Said the Narc post escape.
Drat….
Is there no injury, save death, that drives them away for good?
This is terrible to say but most of these made me laugh! I have had these very phrases said to me multiple times but to see the thoughts behind the phrases in black and white is hysterical. I especially like…
You look absolutely ridiculous
I kissed several people, I have no idea who they were.
You and her. Oh and her. Her as well.
I am spending the night with your best friend.
Yes, we had sex.
Oh yes I did.
I haven’t a clue and I don’t care.
You are a fool.
You are a bigger fool than I first thought.
I have slept with her at least a half a dozen times.
It is bullshit.
Oh yes and I will do it again.
I don’t mean to be crass but when shit gets real you either laugh or cry!
“when shit gets real you either laugh or cry!”
12345 — THIS!!!!! I cannot tell you how many nights I sat with my closest friends after sharing some of the ridiculous shit my narc said or did. And I would start out nearly in tears, but after a good bit of wine and their assessments of the guy, I was laughing my ass off. Laughing at our narc’s level of depravity is twisted in the most therapeutic way!
Part 2 of the reply.
Of course, after laughing and being half drunk, I’d go out to my car and text him. Then he would be charming and attentive, and I’d think “maybe they’re wrong about him” or “maybe I was being too harsh.”
I have been in a similar situation, Mary!! That is a relief to know that others are in the same situation. As crazy as it all is.
Not sure if you read the comments H.G. Tudor…and after reading so much of what you have written, I am wondering if you are my ex-husband! We were married for 20 years and have 3 daughters. I went thru 20 years of just all kinds of crazy-making! Always wondering why he was mad at me again. “As if I didn’t know?” was his response. “Your tears are you own, you cause your own problems”. His favorite thing is to meet people ‘for coffee’. He is ALWAYS at the coffee shop! With pals, with his ‘sisters in Christ’, colleagues, you name it…
One day I flippantly told him I couldn’t handle his anger any longer and I was considering asking him to move out. It seems at THAT moment, he went from angry to livid…from abusive to raging. From running me off the road in his vehicle, to throwing mattresses at me from across the room, joining an online dating service, verbal abuse, spitting at me in the face as he was speaking, me hiding under a bed, him breaking down doors with his foot to get to me, calculating a loss of his job, moving out, leading up the singles group at church, dating my best friend from the domestic abuse center, telling everyone I divorced him (when he wrote up the papers) INSISTING I give back his last name (Why does that bug him so?)…from a million dollar house to unemployed and the girls and I on medicaid.
After being a stay at home mom for 20 years, within 7 years I have my own company and making a 6 figure income. I’m sure that annoys him…
He is remarried now. Who am I to him now?
Hello Katey, this is best addressed through a consultation.
I assume “I care for you, I care about you, you’re important to me…”…. is similar to “I love you”
How about…. “you’re too good and/or sweet to me” or “I don’t deserve this and/or deserve you”…?
Please translate that one!
Yes similar.
“You’re too good to me.”
You are an idiot because you are going to suffer but I will say this so you are made to feel special and you will both look to live up to this status of being good to me and give me fuel by saying you are not and that I am worth it or such like.