There once was a girlfriend of mine called Lesley. My preferred method of gathering fuel from her and also manipulating her was to call her It. This was extremely demeaning and in line with my worldview that people are just objects and appliances to do things for me. You may be an admiring appliance, you may be an accommodating appliance and run around for me. Alternatively you may be an enabling appliance providing me with what I want. A person is an appliance is an object. I was able to reinforce this especially with Lesley. I did not do it all the time. This would have diluted its effect. I would however be consistent in its application however. In some respects it was a half-way house to the Silent Treatment as I was not acknowledging her completely, I was belittling her but not quite ignoring her totally. The fact I was talking about her made her feel as if she had to respond and thus I got what I was looking for; a reaction.

I would start first thing in the morning. As ever, I was awake first as I had had a refreshing night’s sleep, the sleep of the just. She had probably lay awake for a few hours after I turned my back on her when she wanted to make love. She knew better than to pester me though. As I lay on my elbow looking at her freckled face, she would blink into wakefulness. Her blue eyes would meet mine and I would see the hope surge in them as she knew I was looking at her.

“Ah,it is awake,” I would  smile maintaining my gaze. The hope immediately became crushed and although she tried to hide it, I could see my blow had landed.

“Oh don’t do that please, it is horrible,” she would say pleasantly.

“It seems to have something to say. It always has,” I would remark. She would shake her head.

“Please, stop it, you know I don’t like it when you do that.”

“It wants us to stop. It always wants its own way.”

“No I don’t.”

“It is getting annoyed now. It is always loses its temper.”

“Pack it in.” She would rise from the bed and make for the shower. I would hover nearby and give a running commentary.

“It is washing itself using the shower gel we bought for it. It likes to smell nice.”

“It is washing its hair now. It is trying to wash the guilt away. It reeks of it.”

Lesley would try to ignore the comments but I knew from her sighs and the slumping of the shoulders it was getting to her. Having subjected her to maybe fifteen minutes of commenting on what she was doing, I shifted the tack and began to use this technique in a more suggestive fashion.

“It ought to wear a pencil skirt and blouse today. It does not want to look too sloppy even if it is a Friday.”

Lesley would pick out the suggested outfit. I knew why she did it. She felt that by making this suggestion, even though I was still calling her it, it showed I was interested in her and she lapped it up. She completely missed that this was what I wanted her to do for me and was nothing to do with being interested in her.

“It really ought to cook breakfast as we must not go hungry.”

“It would do well to ensure the shopping is done before we return this evening.”

“It should remember we are going out tonight and it is not invited.”

She would depart for work, bristling but not wanting to escalate matters. My technique would continue through the day. I would telephone her and ask,

“Is it busy?”

“Yes I am, so now you are talking to me are you?”

“It wants to know if we are talking to it. Now we are not.” I would put the phone down.

By evening she would be pleading with me to stop it, tears welling in her eyes. Lesley had had enough of my objectification which was sustained and cutting through out the day. As I picked up my wallet in readiness to heading out with my friends, without her, I would turn and say,

“I am going out now. I will see you later.”

The smile that erupted across her face was immense as I had dropped the It commentary.

“Okay, have a good time,” she would answer pleasantly.

“I will. Bye Karen.”

I never looked over my shoulder but I knew how using the wrong name would hurt her.

Learn more about how the narcissist is manipulating you. Knowledge is power.





95 thoughts on “It

  1. Rachel says:

    This really is awful, it turns my stomach. I’ve not read all articles by far, I just picked what seemed interesting for my situation. Reading comments about the “it girl” made me curious. I wish I hadn’t read this, it’s midieval torture! This could easily appear on Game of Thrones.
    What I experienced, is really “Narcissism Light”, and that was terrible enough for me.

  2. Tigerchelle78 says:

    That’s probably how she refers to you now…. IT!

    Wow! The more I learn about you the more dissappointed I am that such an intelligent and professional person would revert to such childish and demeaning behaviour.

    Did you feel like an IT around your mother HG? I dread to think what else you do to these victims who have fallen into your dark scheming world of horrors…anyone that gets to be with you must feel like they have been cursed.

    There are not words strong enough to describe the contempt, distaste and abhorrence I feel for you after reading that.

    You make me shudder and not in a good way.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It’s all fuel.

  3. 1jaded1 says:

    HG. The chapter Brothers In Arms is so revealing. It dives much deeper than Lesley and Lennox and the situation; it dives into you. That chapter is pretty much worth the book. It gives us info. Lennox is amongst the side that is sending you to the therapy…yet he cares for you and gave several examples….and the Lesley situation shows that Lennox is greater than Lesley in your eyes…at least for today…why? Because he is family…or that he can (potentially do more for you)? If Lesley was providing you a better source of what you need, would you cast Lennox aside? It is an honest question and I don’t expect a prompt response. I hope you do respond.

    She seems to be outside of your normal scope. You seem to have targeted her in revenge. You seem like you would not give her a second glance because her laugh is spiteful and not empathic. No empath would seem to laugh at what happened. I’m not an empath and I wouldn’t laugh at that, fn guaranteed. Despicable.

    How is your therapy going?

    I’m glad I ordered the book and furthered my education.

    1. 1jaded1 says:

      Is.Robert on the side of sending you to the therapy or does he not care?

      1. HG Tudor says:

        He has no interest either way.

  4. Jess says:

    There are plenty of things my Narc did to get a reaction out of me that was stupid and annoying but honestly if he called me “it” and started being a commentator to everything I was doing, it would make me laugh so much, there’s no way I would be able to keep a straight face. You had me at “it should remember we are going out tonight and it is not invited”. Guess it’s my sense of humour but it kinda made me laugh, it’s so childish and silly. I do understand how something like that would annoy her though. My Narcs annoying thing he would do was say stuff like “ooohhh go ask your boyfriend Peter” (my ex) “who you texting? Your boyfriend Peter?” “ooohhh did you put on some makeup for your boyfriend Peter” he’d put on a movie and ask if I’ve seen it, I’d say yes and he’d go “did you watch it at the movies with your boyfriend Peter?” it would go on all day, he would find some way to bring Peters name into every conversation we had for the whole day. So annoying.

    1. MLA - Clarece says:

      Hi Jess!
      Something tells me in person, HG has such a commanding presence that him calling Lesley IT repeatedly was on the intense side and not humorous at all.

  5. RS says:

    C* You are right.

  6. RS says:

    Diva (Dawn) I am trying my best and I thank you for all your understanding and kind words, and for standing up for me. Very appreciated.

  7. C★ says:

    I have seen and read tis post many times… I said it before and I’ll say it again… of any of HG’s “victims”, this one got exactly, perhaps not enough, of what “it” deserved… end of story

  8. 1jaded1 says:

    I am a strange one and prefer bound paper, RS.

    1. RS says:

      Me too, I love holding a book in my hands but this book did not offer that option as with some of his others.

      1. Bel says:

        That was hilarious 😂 Diva I often think things like that myself … we are all believing a self professed patholical lier a greater narcissist 😆😆

  9. RS says:

    HG – what is the whole story? If it confidential?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      See the books.

      1. RS says:

        Which one? You have many. Also, I apologize for judging you before knowing the whole story. It just hit a nerve I guess.

      2. Bel says:

        My ex narc husband would call me it or thing .

      3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        Mine called me ‘creature’.

        1. RS says:

          When I hear things like that it just makes me want to cry. . . and scream!!! No one deserves to be spoken to like that. I am so sorry you had to hear that.

    2. Twilight says:

      If I remember correctly ithe story on Leslie is in elated and eroded, which is a start on why she deserved the treatment she did.

      We all make judgments from the time we open our eyes to the time we close them, we just call them decisions or opinions. Our emotions are what cloud things and we jump with the first reaction we feel. Empaths slippery slope

      1. RS says:

        That is true, I need to work on that. It’s not a good trait. I got the book on my iPad and read the story. She deserved every bit of it.

        1. Twilight says:

          We hold many beautiful traits, our emotions are no different. Many thou are slaves to them and this is their paradigm. Which is very hard to change, awareness brings change if one so desires.

          Don’t be hard on yourself, one must crawl before walking, soon you will look back and see you are running!

          Oh she deserve the lesson, she is to blind to “see” why.

      2. RS says:

        That is sadly true.

      3. RS says:

        I am running and will never look back. To the last remark. . . love truly is blind.

        1. Twilight says:

          Lust is the emotion and blind, love is the action within awareness.

          1. MLA - Clarece says:

            Love this Twilight.

          2. Twilight says:

            Thank you Clarece

  10. Matilda says:

    This article still makes my blood boil… what she did was unforgivable… and she is probably the only one of your partners who deserves the punishment.

    If I remember correctly, you said that you gave your brother a dressing down for his reactions to her. It infuriated you because his connection to you made *you* appear in a bad light.

    So, I wonder about your motive, HG. Did you punish her because:
    1) you wanted to avenge your brother as you cared about his well-being even if you do not feel love for him?
    2) you wanted to calm the fury with regard to your family name?
    3) a combination of 1 and 2?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Partially 2, Matilda.

      1. Matilda says:

        I see. Thank you for answering, HG.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome.

    2. KT says:

      What did Lesley do to HG?

      1. Twilight says:


        It is HGs book Elated and Eroded that you will find the answers to what Leslie did.

      2. Tigerchelle78 says:

        Hmm let me see, probably looked at him the wrong way? Or maybe cooked his steak wrong? Maybe she served him last at the dinner table? Maybe she was more interested in a TV series than him on one night? Or perhaps she wore the wrong dress? I mean any of these things would be pathetic enough to warrant eternal damnation wouldn’t they?!

  11. Smearfs says:

    He was living with his then partner and I imagine that’s exactly what she went through each day. He would tell me daily what goes on between them, stories similar to this, only difference is he tried putting her in a bad light, yet he always still came across as the tosser, whether intentional or not. All part of his smearing of her. Initially I believed him. But as time went by, I knew the smearing he sent about his partner always looked very generic, within a few weeks I had suspicions that he sent those to all his admirers and friends. I couldn’t help but think in each one, I can see right through his lies! His smearing went on even after the split and he no longer needed to smear anymore. But on and on he went. I started defending her, much to his disgust. I remember the look he gave me, the disdain. Gradually from then on he began spitting at me how much I was like his ex. I was so hurt at the remark and knew I was well in my way being discarded.

  12. Jane says:

    Very immature really. I’d have just walked out. I have been in devaluation 2 times, both I went crazy and told them exactly what i felt .

    And left ..

    Fractured personalities like this don’t get to use me as their crutch now..

    Thanks for in insight HG.

  13. Emily says:

    I liked “Hey you!”. It made me feel special…

  14. lizbeth says:


    1. 1jaded1 says:

      I thought that and then read what she did. I can only trust that HG is telling the truth as he says he doesn’t lie on this blog i was taught that two wrongs do not make it right. I would have a difficult time saying nothing if my sibling was being humiliated. We don’t get along. It doesn’t give anyone permission to humiliate my sibling.

      1. Narc affair says:

        I read that too about lesley and right away didnt like her based on her treatment of HG’s brother. It says a lot about her character. For someone to make fun of another person during their weak moment like that…shame on her. She shouldve been the embarressed one.

        1. 1jaded1 says:

          Agreed, Narc Angel. Now she has to deal with HG. Poor choice on her part.

        2. 1jaded1 says:

          Narc Affair. So sorry. Egregious error. I make tons on them.

          1. NarcAngel says:

            Not egregious. Im not slighted. She might be.

      2. Narc affair says:

        Hi jaded…no problem i knew who you meant.
        Lesley obviously doesnt think much of herself and in turn others. Very mean spirited what she did and it came back go her.

  15. 1jaded1 says:

    HG. It makes better sense knowing the backstory. It isn’t nice. Neither was she. Making fun of others bc of impediments and or disabilities isn’t right. A kinder punishment would to be for her to be inflicted with the very thing about what she was making fun.She chose the wrong person’s brother to mess with.

    1. Khaleesi says:

      I agree Jaded. She’s one person I don’t feel sorry for.

      1. RS says:

        What is the story behind this, do you know?

    2. RS says:

      What happened? What is the story behind this?

      1. NarcAngel says:

        RS (and anyone else judging on this)

        Read HGs book Elated and Eroded first.

        1. RS says:

          Thank you, I will . 😊👍🏻

      2. 1jaded1 says:

        RS. I have not read the book. I see that you now have. I apoloize for my late response. I made a comment about “poor Lesley” Someone rebuked me HG laughed. It came out that she wasn’t nice. His brother had a speech impediment or so I read. That enough raised my haunches that she made fun.. I will hold my nose and order the book. Online orders make me anxious.Maybe it is out of stock or out of print. I will try to order it.

        1. RS says:

          It’s an e-book, it goes instantly to your iPad, iPhone or Kindle.

          1. 1jaded1 says:

            Thank you, RS. I have submitted my order.

          2. RS says:

            You’re welcome! 😉

  16. lansealan says:

    Ha…TAG you’re IT! RUN!
    (hey HG, emailed you a week ago…assume you’ve been busy and/or I’m in the dungeon?)

  17. Kim says:

    Cruel, but effective HG!

  18. Patricia says:

    I still hate this one

  19. Narc affair says:

    This is such a prime example of devaluation. Even tho id never put up with this i have put up with other forms of devaluing and its no different its abusive. It diminishes that person to nothing. Nothing is what the devaluing is meant to reduce us to. I refuse to let someone else make me feel like nothing. When i look back at the devaluing it makes me angry and mostly at myself why have i allowed this. By staying ive allowed it.
    Leslie shouldve seen she meant nothing to you and left. She was hanging on for respite crumbs only to be kicked back down. So sad people treat one another this way. You calling her it and her not respecting and caring enough about herself to leave right when that happened 🙁 lack of self love.

    1. RS says:

      What is the story behind this? HG said to look at the book but which book? I flew off the handle with HG because my brothers always used to devalue me. I was stupid, couldn’t do anything right, teased me about every physical feature I have. “It” just hit a nerve with me.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        See the book Elated and Eroded, RS.

        1. RS says:

          Thank you, I will. Again, I am sorry for judging you before know the story behind it.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Quite aright, you weren’t the first to do so!

          2. RS says:

            I just finished reading your story about Lesley. She deserved what you did to her. You are a good brother. Is she still learning her lesson from you, or have you made your point?

          3. HG Tudor says:

            More to come.

          4. RS says:

            Good.😈I would hate to be her though.

          5. HG Tudor says:


  20. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    This piece is one of my absolute favorites! Lol!!


    What a shame it doesn’t excite me anymore.
    It ultimately bores me and no longer serves its purpose. It always disappoints me and I hate being let down – so it needs to be replaced.

    RIP my former it lol

    Objectification never felt so good lmao!

  21. RS says:

    You have surely put the devil out of a job! I am furious just reading that! What an asshole. 😝

    1. Is the nasty verbal abuse really necessary RS? You are a a very good example of a person who has a “Lack of Character”.

      1. Kim says:

        Meant to reply, not like your post!

        It’s nice of you to take up for HG, but inappropriate (I think) to attack another poster. We’re all in the same boat! Besides, I think RS was joking [😝].

      2. NarcAngel says:

        HG Tudors……Still to be determined.

        It was a comment not a dick. Dont take it so hard.

      3. RS says:

        I did apologize to him profusely because I did not know the story behind it.

        1. NarcAngel says:

          Fucking A you did!
          As you were.

          1. RS says:

            Thank you! <3 <3 <3

        2. Diva says:

          Forgot to say……..maybe HD Tudor #1 fan….. is HG Tudor himself……joking…..kind of!!!!

        3. Bel says:

          RS ….you don’t even have to explain to anyone , you sound like a really good person 🤗🤗

      4. Diva says:

        I note that RS has apologised to HG profusely……I have not looked and nor do I intend to, but I would guess that HG has not and will never apologise profusely for his own behaviour to anyone on this blog or in any other circumstance, despite having admitted to doing far worse than RS seems to have done……..feel free to correct me if I am wrong. It is ironic that someone on this blog is up in arms about someone else giving HG a tad of verbal abuse!!!! The way I see it NOW……if we had treated our NARCS in the same manner that they had treated us right from the start then maybe we would not be on this blog in the first instance. You had no need to apologise RS…..we are only human…..we have emotions……don’t every lose that or you just might turn into a narc. In any event I am sure HG is big enough to fend for himself. I have not got a clue who RS is but I was compelled to show a bit or moral support whilst also being a fan of HG Tudor…..but he is what he is…….

        1. RS says:

          Thank you so much for that, Diva. My name is Robin. That story just hit a nerve in me so much. My whole life I was told by my siblings (especially my brothers) “you are stupid, fat, don’t know anything” etc. When someone makes another person feel inferior it breaks my heart. I did apologize to HG and I know he had his reasons and they are good but when is enough, enough? How much heartbreak can a person stand? I’m crying just thinking about it. Thank you for standing up for me. It is greatly appreciated. <3

          1. Diva says:

            Hi RS….Robin… name is Dawn (Diva)…..just like you….I reacted to what I had read and had to respond to give you a bit of moral support. If we are all truly empaths on this blog, that have been tainted by a narc, then none of us should feel the need to apologise or explain our behaviour or reactions, as we all understand exactly what each other has been through and why we react the way that we do. Even HG is fully aware, if not more aware, what we have been through and how we react. If he isn’t apologising for his actions and reactions then there is no need on our part……in my opinion. Ironically….even when u did apologise you received even more grief for doing so……..can anyone spot the narc?????? Keep strong and try to look to the present and future as opposed to the past. Diva x

          2. HG Tudor says:

            What a peculiar logic.

          3. Diva says:

            I guess if you have surrounded yourself with narcs long enough you will have a peculiar sense of logic…….I am not disagreeing with your reply but I prefer the word “quirky” !!!!

          4. HG Tudor says:

            Ha ha, fair enough Diva.

      5. Bel says:

        HG Tudors # 1 fan … RS aplogised any decent person that read that blog without reading HG s book would think the same . At the end of the day everyone is entitled to an opinion good , bad or indifferent. 😊 RS does not deserve to be told she has lack of character …. 🦋🦋 we are all here for the same reasons , to hopefully learn , to never be involved with a narcissistic person again and to heal the pain with others that know exactly how we feel . One thing I ALWAYS remember is HG is a narcissist. As for verbal abuse that’s nothing compared to the abuse inflicted by a narcissist , that hurt innocent souls for their own pleasure .

  22. This one always reminds me of Silence of the Lambs

    “It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again”

    1. RS says:

      There was a book my daughter read in high school called “A Child Called it”. I never read it but she said it was the saddest thing she had ever read. It crushes my heart that someone could do that to another living soul. What gives them the right?!! HG has gone down several pegs from the spot I had him on. (my fault to put him there) He helps us greatly but. . . really? WTF? Where does a person come up with such horrific things to do to someone?

      1. HG Tudor says:

        1. ‘A Child Called It’ – unreliable book.
        2. Know the whole story before judging.

      2. Khaleesi says:

        I’ve read A Child Called It as well as the follow up book A Man Named Dave. Very sad. I also saw the author in an interview.

        HG, why is it an unreliable book?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          The extent of the abuse and the failure for people to pick up on it, is questionable (albeit it is not completely beyond the realms of possibility) plus there are some inconsistencies. The author clearly suffered abuse, I am not suggesting he did not, but I suspect there is a different picture.

      3. Natalie says:

        Hi RS.

        A Child Called It, and the three books thereafter chronicle childhood abuse and are horrific but definitely an eye opener for people who don’t know childhood abuse exists. It was one of the reasons I chose the career path that I did.

        I thought HG was awful also, until I read about Lesley’s story in one of his books. I can’t compare an innocent child being abused to a consenting adult who wasn’t angelic herself. Definitely worth the read and will help you understand immensely!

        1. RS says:

          I understand without reading the book. I think the reason I went off on HG was because it hit such a nerve in me. Growing up I was always told I was not good enough (by my siblings) I was stupid, fat, you name it. My self esteem in in the dumpster! After reading his story I can see why he did it, and continues to do it to her, but really. . . when is enough, enough?

          1. Natalie says:

            I’m so sorry that happened to you and an see how can be a trigger. I really don’t think abusive “parents” realize how damaging abuse is!

            Great point!! I’m protective over my siblings as well but doubt I could go through the extremes to punish someone who had wronged them.

          2. RS says:

            I agree. My mother was great and loved me very much. (she died when I was pregnant with my daughter 27 years ago) I have a good relationship with my siblings now. My mother always used to say “they’re just being boys”. Maybe, but I think they were doing what they were taught by my father, who was a narcissist.

  23. Diva says:

    I can relate to this post too…….my name was “Jinxy” …….I was obviously cursed and whatever went wrong it was obviously always my fault…..ironically I was never more jinxed since meeting his acquaintance. I guess if the cap fits you should wear it!!!!!!

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