The Creation of Unusual Milestones
We narcissists create unusual milestones for the purposes of maintaining our narcissistic grip on our victims.
The calendar is festooned with milestones. There are those which are applicable to everybody, for example, a person’s birthday. There are others which are applicable to a large proportion of people on the planet, Christmas, Easter Sunday, Valentine’s Day, Eid, Nirvana Day (not the band before you ask), Yom Kippur, and Diwali. There are people who celebrate St. Patrick’s Day (even on the flimsiest of reasons) and others who mark the Chinese New Year. There are many days of observance or festivals, including Freedom Day, Independence Day, Bonfire Night, Hallowe’en, National Woman’s Day, The Day of Our Lady of Africa, Remembrance Sunday and King Jigme Dorji Wangchuck’s Death Anniversary (no that isn’t made up). These days and events are commemorated by people in different parts of the world.
These milestones in history are replicated at a more personal level by individuals, for instance wedding anniversaries, an anniversary based on how long a couple has been together (from a week, to a month, then six months and then years) or remembering the anniversary of somebody’s death. There is a multiplicity of milestones which will include it being ten years since somebody graduated from university, a year since somebody left prison, five years since they were made redundant, six months since that relationship ended. Some of these milestones are not celebrated, some are briefly remembered, sometimes fondly and often with concern, relief or slight surprise at the swift passage of time.
People like to commemorate particular milestones. They will record their child’s first day at school and years later tell their son or daughter that on this day twenty years ago you attended nursery or took your first steps. A veteran may recall with a mixture of regret and optimism that it is two years since he took his first steps on prosthetic limbs. Such remembrance and commemoration is done for many different reasons, it might be a wild celebration, fond nostalgia, solemn reflection or upsetting recollection. Notwithstanding what it may be, people accumulate these milestones throughout their lives, either applicable to themselves or others that they are entwined with.
We are no exception to this behaviour.
We, however, do this for entirely different reasons. We recognise and use the more obvious milestones of birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries and so on and I have explained how those are used in Birthday Blues for example. Yet, this is not enough. We go further than the milestones which the world has created for various people. We make our own. We regularly and repeatedly engage in the creation of unusual milestones. This is done by creating Golden Milestones and Obsidian Milestones.
The Golden Milestones are created during our seduction of you. If your birthday falls within our seduction of you, then naturally, you will be treated to marvellous gifts, a wonderful evening or day out and made to feel ultra special. All part of the idealisation but this birthday is not a milestone created by us. It was already there and just happened to coincide with the golden period of seduction. A Golden Milestone is one which is specifically created by us, to manifest as something delightful and special in the Kingdom Of You and Me. You can easily spot these Golden Milestones as they will range from the romantic to the endearingly silly. Consider, if you will, these examples :-
I send you a card to tell you that it is a week since we first kissed
I write you a poem to commemorate that it is a year since I fell in love with you (even though we have only been seeing each other two weeks)
I send you a text to remind you it is one whole terrible hour since we last saw one another
I send you flowers to thank you for filling my life with light and love for the past month
I send you a gift to mark the fact that we made love five times in one night
Viewed dispassionately, these occasions and the fact of commemorating them are absurd. However, when deployed within the illusion of the seductive golden period, they appear cute, endearing, amusing, heart-warming and loving. How much must we be in to you if we telephone you to explain that we have been in love with one another for 1.2 million minutes or that last night was the 100th time you told me that you loved me. Sometimes these milestones are fabricated but more usually they are actually real and there are those of our kind who have calculated the number of times we have kissed, made love or called you by a pet name.
These Golden Milestones are viewed favourably by our victims, silly and wonderful reminders of how delightful our relationship together is. Monuments to the unique and special coupling that has been occasioned between you and I.
From our perspective, whilst they may appear fun, slightly throwaway and romantic, these Golden Milestones serve an important purpose. They enable us to keep binding you to us, they allow us to demonstrate just how infatuated we are with you and to gauge our control over you. They allow us to draw fuel from you, positive fuel occasioned by your laughter at the daft statistic we have just explained to you, or your tear-brimming eyes as you realise just how much thought and effort we have gone to, to calculate how many times we have been to a particular restaurant which you love, so since we are on the cusp of the twentieth visit we have booked it this weekend. These Golden Milestones actually come draped in red flags because you will not find them in any normal or healthy relationship. Those relationships celebrate the one week, the one month and then a year of the relationship’s existence but will not descend into the detail. The detail evidences our obsession with you, how we regard our relationship as one really of statistics – how long we have spent with you, how many times you have said something to us, how many times we have been to a certain place, how often we have done a particular thing together. This is hugely indicative. Notice how it is devoid of actual feeling but is all based on frequency, content and quantity. Mechanical. These are capable of calculation which equates to control.
Whilst the creation of Golden Milestones may be endearingly silly, it is the creation of those Obsidian Milestones which arise during devaluation which truly show our penchant for being self-absorbed. The purpose of the Obsidian Milestone is to create our own special event at which we are the special guest, the revered recipient of attention and of course furnished with fuel. The Obsidian Milestones are breath taking in their absurdity and triviality from your perspective (and they need to be in order to have the correct impact on you), but of course we do not see them that way. Consider these:-
It is the seventeen-week anniversary since Tiddles the cat died
(It was your cat not ours and we always hated it)
It is nine years since our mother passed away meaning we cannot do anything all day long
(Some people may be upset on the anniversary of the death of a loved relative but they do not become paralysed for the day nine years after the event and moreover you know that we did not get on with our mother and we did not even attend the funeral)
It is the five year anniversary of the disappearance of a child and we weep and wail about it
(We do not know the child or even anybody vaguely related to the child)
It is a month since our brush with death
(A car beeped its horn at us as we stepped out into the road, but it was nowhere near us)
We have been in our newly promoted position for two months
(You bought the champagne when we got promoted, but we expect more acknowledgement and recognition on this two month anniversary)
It is 25 years since the death of our beloved friend
(We have never even mentioned this person previously).
The creation of this Obsidian Milestons has various common themes:-
- Notice how they are nothing to do with you or our relationship with you;
- They will be about something unrelated to you and invariably something to do with us, either our loss or achievement or someone we know who has achieved or lost
- The Obsidian Milestone will often be a complete fabrication;
- If not a fabrication it will be premised on not only the most tenuous of connections but the flimsiest of reasons for there to be any commemoration
These Obsidian Milestones are used for the following reasons:-
- To berate you for being so cold and callous to forget that on this day eighteen years ago we lost our job – we scold your lack of recall about an event you either knew nothing about or could not reasonably be expected to be concerned by as a means of exerting control by making you feel bad and to draw negative fuel;
- To bring the attention of you and others onto us so as to give fuel;
- To detract from credible commemorative events of other people (your 30th birthday celebration coincides with the devastating shed fire which destroyed our collection of car magazines ten years ago)
- To make you feel sorry for us so we are provided with fuel
- To use as excuses not to do certain things (“I would come to dinner at your parents’ home but I am besides myself right now over the anniversary of the death of Bugle the Budgie (who never existed))
The creation of Obsidian Milestones will not be seen outside of the narcissistic dynamic. They are milestones created to gain fuel and to exert control, through their sheer absurdity and drama creation which leaves you bewildered as to why it has impacted on us so much, potentially feeling guilty for not knowing (should you have known that today was that particular anniversary?) and concerned (owing to your empathic state) to ascertain what is wrong (we may not at first actually explain what the Obsidian Milestone is but instead keep you guessing as we wail, cry, sulk, mope around or look angry).
Which Golden and/or Obsidian Milestones have you experienced?
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90 thoughts on “The Creation of Unusual Milestones”
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Could this be one? His actual b day is Jan 11, but he told me bcs his parents downplayed /dismissed his b day bcs it was ‘too close to Christmas to bother’ he always buys himself a cupcake and celebrates alone his self proclaimed July 11 unabirthday. I of course expressed intense sympathy and made a big deal out of his actual b day and for a few years his unabirthday . He marginally acknowledged mine whatsoever especially after we were married. One year he promised a dinner out and romance and I ended up helping him move his hoarded apartment. He always made every occasion about him and ruined every outing or holiday or birthday or real milestone.
Indeed.
HG – If a MR is in the golden period with their new supply will they think of their ex on an old anniversary? Does that make them enter the 6th sphere? What about a birthday? Do MR remember these dates or just completely forget ex partners?
The MR is likely to forget. If they do happen to think of the ex because of the anniversary then this is entering the sixth sphere but it would be highly unlikely for any hoover to follow because of the new golden period.
Interesting & thankyou.
Hi HG,
I’m curious to ask, but do you give hand written notes, cards etc. to anyone especially your IPPS or do you avoid it? I just ask given that after discard & your IPPS discovers what you are, your hand writing could give you away. My Greater never left hand writing & I believe this is why. The one time I saw a note, he was quick to put it away. I still have some of his from high school though & it still looked the same. May get it analysed one day… 🤔
I use potato prints to sign things so all is well in that regard.
No, I do not have any concerns with regards to my handwriting. I sign under so many different names and owing to my ambidexterity do so in differing styles means that recognition is not an issue, but you raise a valid point as to why some of our kind would avoid hand-written cards etc.
These articles are amazingly accurate! The ex would say a week or so prior to his mothers death anniversary that he would not be reachable on that day and would be in a self-proclaimed depression. Coincidentally, that was also my daughter’s birthday so I would let him grieve and make alternate plans with her. I would always plan to send him a text that day to offer sympathy and prayers. Before I could even send him the text he would call me and talk most of the day and there was never a hint of his “sadness”.
Good lord if a dude ever told me it was 100th time doing anything together I’d kick his weird ass to the curb n I’d straight up laugh if I was read a poem. Wtf.
Not sure where to leave a comment, but HG Tudor, why does my ex husband hate so much that I kept his last name?
Possibly because he wants somebody new to adopt it. Alternatively, if he is in a golden period with a new IPPS he wants you deleted and therefore you will be annoying him by retaining the name.
My daughter’s husband does this! OMG…she married her dad. I knew he had ‘telling the truth’ issues, but it’s possible he is just a lesser Narc. I have to wait and wait until she sees the light. It’s been 5 years and they just got married. I pray she sees the light before they have kids. He is a marine and sulks on Memorial Day. He treats her bad when he gets home from training. Even on his birthday he leaves and goes out with his friends. It makes no sense to me…
Some milestones are worth it with the Narc!
I am a little late but I was reminiscing yesterday and was able to lay in a field and think back over the past year and how this one man has changed so many views in my life. Calmed my fears when I was ready to jump ship, answer questions no one seem to have answers for.
A year ago yesterday I spoke with this man for the first time, he brought me here and has helped me in ways none other has.
Thank you HG for this memory!
Empaths should stop thinking of milestones with the Narc and celebrate their own.
The day I first noticed something was off.
The day I saw the mask slip for the first time.
The day I rejoiced that he finally got it up.
The day I didnt care if he could.
The day I realized the silent treatment could be a blessing.
The day I realized life was not meant to be lived this way.
The day I found HG Tudor
The day I realized it was all a mirage. Engineered. A lie.
The day I finally truly accepted that.
The day I decided he is sick but that is not my responsibility.
The day I decided now hes fucked.
The day I shut off my fuel supply.
The day I broke no contact and then regretted it.
The day I enforced no contact again and held fast.
The day I realized the fog was lifting.
The day I realized he no longer consumed my thoughts.
The day I crossed the emotional sea and reached the other side.
The day I felt myself breathe normally again.
The day I did something without thinking about any ramification.
The day I started to live.
The day I realized I was the one now giving this advice to others and not needing it. Success.
Narc angel…i love this! Im not quite there yet but this is so true and motivating 👍
I LOVE this list!!! Yesterday I gave advice to a co-worker who was in a 6 month relationship with a narc and didn’t know it. Her jaw dropped when I told her all the signs and I directed her to HG. We started talking about narcs because she kept seeing “knowing the narcissist” pop up on my email. It feels so great to point another victim to HG. I told her that he can give her all the answers.
I love all the rest of your milestones too. Thanks for this!
Narc Angel
I skipped down your list to the day I found HG what was is gone, what will be is ahead.
Looking back only to see just how far I have come.
Twilight
Good place to be isnt it? How are the chickens?
Narc Angel
I can not think of any place better!
Ah the chickens….The cock is still a strutting his stuff. Yet one disappeared, I believe some wondering critter came and stole her and……..
Twilight
I prefer to think she said “Ive had enough of this cock” and before some sly fox came along, yelled: suck eggs dickhead!-thats the last youve seen of these breasts!, and flew the coop.
Wha whaaaaa…………
Hay youre the one that lays in the field. Snort…snort…Ok I have to stop-Im starting to lose teeth, my eyes are crossing, and I have a strange compulsion to yell yee haw! Stick it to yer Grandma………
Narc Angel
ROTFL he was a little choked up this morn, that robust cock-a-doodle-do was more cock cough cough.
You know we do have some shine in thes there parts, come sit a spell you’ll feel right on at home
Oooh! I agree, NarcAngel. I noted those kind of milestones! Not the actual day, but I remember them and how I felt when I realized them. And they are very important to me. They do represent important milestones in my recovery.
Right On NarcAngel! You are Awesome!
NA, this is an awesome checklist. It should somehow make it on HG’s testimonial page so newbies can see how they can get enlightened and transformed! Nicely done!
I absolutely agree!!!
Hi HG it’s my narcissists 50th birthday today , for the last 2 years we’ve always been split up on his birthday of course orchestrated by him I now realise. However this year he’s desperately been trying to get me back prior to his birthday so for some reason he wanted to be back together for this 50th birthday otherwise he would have hoovered after his birthday not before , so it must have suited him to be back with me. He’d still have plans to go drinking with mates but probably wanted me around as well to do something with at some point , make a fuss of him and get gifts from me and my family plus he does not want to be 50 at all !! Since I’ve ignored for the first time ever , he may still think there’s a chance I will text him happy birthday or something as it’s a special birthday , of course I am not going to . I’m sure he will have plans and doesnt care about me but I do hope there is a twinge of annoyance that I ignore his 50th do you think that’s possible ?
JN’s B-Day is tomorrow. I don’t plan to break NC I initiated on July 5th. They always make sure they are never alone because they are so good at compartmentalizing. I admit that I want him to notice my missing message with the flocks he will get though.
Mine won’t get flocks and I seriously doubt he’s with a woman , he will be with his mates drinking himself into oblivion while inside being bitter that he’s 50 and a complete loser. He will be trying to create drinking and out on town with his mates so he can remain Peter Pan . Spending it with a woman would be what normal grown up men do , he’s not going to be ruled by any woman , he’ll make sure of that !! HG didn’t reply but it will annoy him I haven’t sent a card or text , not because he cares about me but he expects it because that’s what nice people do and he’s used to me being nice and dumb. In his pathetic adolescent brain men who committ to women are Ruled and that will never happen to him lol!! He’s absolutely correct he will remain alone bitter and drink himself to death !!
HG, do you think midrangers do this more than greaters? The greaters I’ve known didn’t care about or mention any special dates.
Correct
Thank you
Bugle the budgie 😄
Interesting blog. Id never much thought about it but my narc is notorious for milestones usually upcoming ones. They are usually not what id consider noted as important to bring up. An example would be…its been a week since you were back from vacation, its been a year since you got your dog, this time a month ago you were at that conference. I thought it was cute and more of a quirk. None of the milestones were about anything relating to us together which raises a very good point. Hes not said its 6 years today we met or bringing up remember whens. Not at all. I think narcissists are careful never to go down that road bc it means being attached and for survival purposes they have to remain detached.
I can see where absurd milestones would be used to devalue. They bring up a lame milestone having nothing to do with anything that is important in the relationship to diminish that relationship. During devaluing theyre tearing down what they built and making the victim feel like nothing to them bc they really didnt mean anything aside from what they could get from their victim.
At least you got Milestones for your return from your vacation, your dog and a conference.
We were together for nearly 5 years and didn’t even have an “Anniversary” which I think all played a part for him… forget about milestones… 🙁
Jody allen…trust me the milestilones werent in any way signifying the relationships importance. He likes to send out these types of milestones like teases to make me wonder. I know him well enough to know his game. Its gaslighting.
Narc Affair,
You are right, of course.
When the facade began to crack and the truth began to spew forth from those cracks there was no other option for me then to realize that my life was nothing but a lie.
He wasn’t the Great and Powerful Oz, he was the angry, mean, little odious man behind the curtain..
Well if it took you 5 times in one night to be able to deliver you bloody well should send a gift.
Still laughing!!!!! OMFG!
🖤IT!! ROTFLMFAO!
Ha ha suffices
I thought it more deserving of a simple “haha”….
Yeah, a nice gift like some reconstructive surgery!
5 times is Not Making Love…that is straight up torture~
(Sorry, this is just too funny to pass up!)
She’d have said the same if she’d been able to be heard.
Lmao H.G.!
Did you, then, dump her because she was now in need of surgery and permanently bowlegged?
I’m intrigued to hear the rest of this story..
I’d prefer not to be able to be heard because I was hoarse after a night of love making instead of because I had one of HG’s socks in my mouth.
Ha ha if it was a sock it would be a very fine sock.
Fuckin A❗️TM Lewin’s no doubt ‼️‼️
Hahaha, NarcAngel, an I so cannot say what I am thinking right now! ;D
Note to Self:
It is not always necessary to speed read since your brain can very easily change the words that you are glancing at, for instance, the word “Sock”
LOL ava101, I had to go back and read your comment.
OMG *lol* Jody Allen!
He was always conveniently missing when my birthday or Christmas came along. He wouldn’t dance with me as he said “I don’t dance”. He showed up when I was distraught that my cat had to be put down and said “it’s just a cat”. (I wanted to kick him in the balls for that one). He always sent picture of himself (naked) when I was at a party or wedding or family gathering. Come to think of it, I think I was jipped! LOL
This reminded me of the strangest day early our relationship when my ex told me of a coworkers daughter who had just died of an aneurysm at the age of 18. I was sad to hear this but he didn’t have many details. Later that evening after he’d had a few too many drinks he becamel inconsolable, crying and and nearly frantic telling me “Don’t you understand, she is dead! She was so young and she is dead!” I attempted to comfort him and understand his sudden remorse but I was repeatedly rebuffed for “not understanding”. It went on for way too long and It was the most confusing thing I’d ever dealt with as he was not an emotional man and did not even know this girl! I mentioned the incident to his sister the next day and she was as baffled as I was, I used to think that this odd incident was proof that he in fact could feel empathy I still don’t really understand the point of his behavior.
Here’s a milestone: Dr. Harleen Quinzel’s Independence Day – It’s August 5th.
Love this! Made me laugh. Only five times in a night!? Oh yes to his rage due to my lack of recalling incidents from years ago.
How timely, this article HG!! I received a hoover txt today with a picture (from the newspaper) of an event we went to together, one year ago! He must be low on fuel surge right now, because i am only in the 6th sphere… i did not break my n/c and reply….
Hold fast C Star.
“Copt That”!
“COPY THAT”… lol
That
Wtg c☆!! Youve got the upper hand now! Grab some thought fuel of your own imagining his twinge of rejection at you not responding 🙂 👍
Yes & thanks Narc Affair for the encouragement, I need that…. however, the txts are being pelted at me like bullets (suddenly after 5mo n/c) and getting malicious (because Im NOT responding) his fury ignited….
C☆…i must be vindictive but thatd give me even more thought fuel seeing his reaction like that. Id be taking pleasure from it particularly if he really had screwed me over.
Stay strong!
Omg your examples are hilarious HG, mine didn’t do this as such because he was inclined to be the opposite , be in a bad mood about any significant days which I know you’ve written about . He did however have this type of character of bringing the same things up over and over again , always memories of when he was the victim of something or other and he was like a broken record . He did always say that he couldn’t have pets due to the fact he couldn’t cope with the upset of them dying due to his OWL dying when he was in his early 20’s ( unbelievable ) the OWL dying was mentioned at least twice a week. Just to be clear the OWL actually lived with his mum not him and he never looked after it. It was just one more thing that had traumatised him amongst the other 5 thousand traumas he’d experienced !!!
Methinks I’m receiving a Silent Treatment…
He rubbed his wedding anniversary under my nose.
“I send you a gift to mark the fact that we made love five times in one night”
Omfg! I am laughing so hard at this article! I needed this today. TY! Lmao
This is not something that I was aware of but hindsight is a wonderful thing. I remember very early during the golden period that he (mid range narc) text me the exact correct actual number of texts that we had sent each other one particular day. It was near 100 I think. His parting comment, purely based on the number of texts that we had sent each other was…….. “Glen Close????”….which I took that he was jokingly insinuating that I was some kind of bunny boiler referring to that film Fatal Attraction…..so I jokingly text back……the bunny is already warming in the pot….. I thought it a bit odd but it also made me laugh, even though I did not really understand why he would have said such a thing, so I thought no more about it until now. Maybe he was the bunny boiler and it was just a case of his mirroring and projection onto me. The attraction and infatuation was all in his mind. Thank god I don’t own a rabbit!!!!!
OMG, this is SO true of my ex-midranger! The obsidian milestones included the Perfect Late Wife’s birthday, their wedding anniversary, and the anniversary of her death. And he was always slightly put out if I didn’t recall all these dates and give him pity-fuel by mentioning them. True, he always made a big deal of the golden milestones, too — like the anniversary of the day we met, which was just before Valentine’s day. But then he wanted to be praised for acknowledging them. What an asshole.
I’m scratching my head as this hasn’t been something I’ve dealt with from my mid ranger. Hmmm.
It isn’t always used by our kind, so you need not scratch your head for too long. Remember, although there are many similarities in the way our kind behave, there are variations in behaviours and some behaviours are present, in different forms and sometimes not present.
Understoood. Thank you for clarifying! And to echo Wendy….5 x in one night??!!!! Damn! LOL.
How weird!! (My narc didn’t do that.) The guy should not focus on when he first kissed her but on *how it made him feel* . A little less odd! 😀
5x in one night?
Yes.
I think I got the wrong narc…….maybe I should give another a try…..joking….kind of……..
Possible with a man in his early 20s, but with today’s pharmaceuticals I guess it could happen with older men too…
Don’t be cheeky, cod liver oil cannot be regarded as a pharmaceutical!
Ha ha ha!
HG, that’s just nasty!
Clarece
I dont believe it anyway. Sounds fishy.
My ex sent me flowers on the 27th of every month for the first year to celebrate our monthly anniversaries.
Did he work near the cemetery FP?
Good one, HG!
Aah fank yooo ! I’m here all week !
hahaha no. He was just a trust fund kid that had his American Express black card number saved on a florist website.
hahaha no he was just a trust fund kid with his American Express black card number saved on a florist website. He sends flowers to all the appliances I mean girls.
I dated a Narcissist who would ignore everyone on Mother’s Day because he “wanted to be alone to think” about his mother who was dead. I thought about it for a while… he tended to dated beautiful women who had young children. He deep down hated women. This was his secret anti-women day.
Misogynist
məˈsäjənəst/Submit
noun
1.
a person who dislikes, despises, or is strongly prejudiced against women.
synonyms: woman-hater;
Yup, you are correct. He hates women. They all do.
Jody allen…you know its odd. My narc claims to have loved his mother and that she was a wonderful lady yet ive seen him with other personalities be disrespectful towards women. I havent quite figured that out unless hes copying how his dad treated women.
Narc Affair
You are absolutely right!
I do know, though, that a man who so easily refers to women as Bitches, Whores, Crazy-Bitch or the dreaded “C” word has very low regard for women…Red Flag!
Yuck!