Why Has He Gone Back?
Think back to that glorious time when you were courted by the narcissist who ensnared you. Amidst the delight and excitement of that powerful and dizzying seduction there is a good chance that mention was made of his or her ex. That person was the devil incarnate weren’t they? They were an abuser, a drunk, an addict, a gold-digger, a gambler, never worked, a sponger, never helped around the house, never helped with the children, bad-tempered, unsociable, awkward, played video games all day and so on. No doubt your narcissist’s ex was one or more of those things. They were smeared to you from the off.
“He is just plain evil.”
“She is utterly bat shit crazy.”
“You won’t want to meet her; she is a fruit loop.”
“He is violent and nasty. Charming on the outside but horrible on the inside.”
A hundred different ways to ensure that you thought ill of the predecessor ex and more highly of us. Praise for having broken free, sympathy for what we endured, encouragement for being with you. The fuel flowed as we recounted tale after tale of terrible treatment. All of this was told after we had jettisoned this person as we embedded you into our world.
It may even have been the case that you commenced an affair with us. We admitted we were married, lived with somebody or in a relationship but a combination of our charismatic magnetism and the tales of woe about how our partner was horrible and abusive meant that you saw somebody wonderful in need of your love and you felt no real concerns at interfering in our relationship. After all, how many times did we tell you that we never had sex with them anymore, that we did not even share a bed, how we were only together for the sake of the children and a hundred other reasons that are given to entice you and reassure you that it is you we want. We may well have even left our partner to be with you. You triumphed. Good overcame evil as you ensured that we had the support, courage and determination to escape their horrible treatment of us. You had us to yourself and the golden period could truly commence.
Sometime later, it might be weeks, it could be months and possibly even years, something strange happened.
We went back.
You were unceremoniously dropped and we returned to the arms of the ex-partner once again. How could this be so? How could we return to someone so horrible, so abusive, so evil? How could we go back to this person about whom we told you so many stories of their abusive behaviour and ugly character? How could we return after you rescued us from them? How could we do this after everything you have done for us? Whereas the ex was horrible, you were delightful, the ex did not care, you never stopped caring and where the ex was cruel, you were wonderful. You helped us through the separation and you shielded us when the savage ex came after us, blaming you for breaking a happy (ha!) marriage up. You heard their protestations that you turned their partner’s head, whispered lies about them so as to turn their partner against the ex. You remember how astonished you were at the time that someone would have the audacity to behave in such an abusive manner and then accuse you of doing the things that they engaged in. This ex was just as we described wasn’t she? Manipulative, vicious and blaming everybody else but herself. Just as we had warned you, she behaved exactly to type. She even accused us of certain things but you did not believe them because we had already forewarned you that this was something she would do. Try to make you think that we were the abusive one in order to deflect attention from what she was really like. How on earth could we go back to this liar, this cheat, this abuser, this evil and horrible person? It just made no sense.
In some instances, you received no answer. Our number had changed. We moved back in with this person at a place you don’t know. We blocked you on social media, those friends you thought you had made in our circles shunned you or just told you to accept that these things happen and to move on. But you cannot. You cannot fathom out why someone could do this. Firstly, why return to an abuser? Secondly, why drop someone wonderful like you who we had professed a real and perfect love for? Nothing made sense anymore.
You might have been able to confront us to try and find out why on earth we have behaved in this way. You may have been given a sole opportunity to state your case and to find out why we have done this and left you devastated. You will have been told things such as: –
“I knew that I really did love them. You helped me realise that and for that you have my gratitude.”
“She promised to change and I thought she deserved that chance.”
“I did it for the sake of the children rather than my own happiness.”
“We had been together for twenty years. I realised I could not do that to her.”
You will have argued against these comments. You will have tried to persuade us in order to get us back again. No doubt you said things to each of the above comments, like these: –
“You don’t love her. How can you love someone who has abused you for such a long time? You have done the hard bit, getting away from her. You cannot go back.”
“She won’t change. Why would she? You said it yourself she has promised this before and nothing has happened.”
“If you did the right thing for your children you would not expose them to such a toxic atmosphere as the one you described between you and her.”
“She has you under complete control. You don’t know anything other than her abusive ways and you have accepted them. You don’t have to do that. I can help you.”
Your desperate and well-intentioned pleas and reasoning failed. The reason why is because when we said each of the comments above, this is what we really meant.
“I knew that I really did love her. You helped me realise that and for that you have my gratitude.”
“You weren’t the fuel I thought you would be and I realised the fuel I would get from going back and hoovering my ex and seeking another chance would outweigh what you were giving me and it worked. But don’t worry. I am not going to get rid of you just yet. I have organised a wonderful triangulation for me, you and her that will carry on through the reconciliation. It will be like we are having an affair (having an affair again). How exciting. How fuel-laden”
“She promised to change and I thought she deserved that chance.”
“I promised to change. That hoovered her back in. It always does and she fell for it and that fuel is better than yours.”
“I did it for the sake of the children rather than my own happiness.”
“I saw some cracks in the façade and realised that people actually might turn against me. I need that façade so I have to sacrifice you instead. You won’t realise this but I have told her, our families and friends that you are a stalker and you were trying to blackmail me. They understand. The façade is intact. You are expendable.”
“We had been together for twenty years. I realised I could not do that to her.”
“I know her inside out and I know that no matter how many times I do this she will always take me back and give me powerful hoover fuel. I know I told you that you were the only one I have left her for. That wasn’t true. You are nothing special. I have done it many times before and I will do it again. I might do it again with you if you are foolish enough to give me another chance. It is all good fuel.”
If you are reeling from the stunning revelation that we have returned to the ex that was labelled as horrible and abusive. If you are unable to comprehend why we would do this, I understand. I understand that it truly makes no sense when looked at from your perspective. The reality is however they were never abusive. I am the abuser. I used you as I used my partner in order to get fuel. I projected my behaviours onto them and you lapped it all up, giving me positive fuel and negative fuel from her as I triangulated you with her. I may not have gone back, but the quality of the hoover fuel and the ease by which I can achieve it makes it irresistible. I will come back to you again and you will let me because you have tasted the golden period. You still believe she is the bitch and the two of you will fight over me blaming one another rather than realise that I am to the blame. I planned it. I orchestrated it. I am the puppet master.
20 thoughts on “Why Has He Gone Back?”
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Because she hasn’t found Mr Tudor yet.
HG
Thank you for the article. It was very timely for me. My ex fiancé trashed his ex girlfriend and told me super personal things about her. Now that me and him have broken up I guess they are back together because she just posted a picture with him on instagram. Now I know why he tried to hoover me. No thank you I want no part of any triangulation schemes.
I’ve yet to find some NARC behaviour I can’t relate to. Everything I read rings true, and I’m just more and more shocked at how similar these narcos behave
LOL .. he tried with his ex when I escaped … terrified because he had no one lined up… she was long gone and he was blocked. So I guess his first months after I left he really suffered (I’ve been told that was the case…)
And of course she was the devil.. and I believed him.
Seriously … today I think that was such a funny turnout
Informative, thank you.
You are welcome.
Wow!
How can I talk to u directly?
Consultarion
I have been through this…. it is true, all of it….
He is married. When he told me how miserable he was and how horrible she was and how she yells at the children all the time and he has taken to sleeping in the guest bed because she is so horrid, I asked him why he didn’t get a divorce. He said “I can’t afford it”. Now I know it wasn’t in a monetary sense. She is his cover-up. Instead of feeling sorry for HIM, I felt sorry for HER. I wish with all my heart she would escape him because she seems like a lovely woman and deserves so much better. I will never sleep with a married man again, narc or not.
My middle ranger never smeared his wife to me. He used his “tortured soul” routine to tell me the following.
“I need to answer the phone when she calls me, she needs reassurance that I am not cheating on her again. This is because of my history of infidelity, I brought this upon myself. I am not ignoring you on purpose but I need to reply to her”
“My mother in law checks up on me from time to time to make sure I am behaving myself, if I do not get back to her within a certain timeframe she becomes suspicious and will come to the house to see what I am doing. Again this is because of my history of being unfaithful….”
“I love my wife so much. I really do. But I struggle having sex with her. It is because of my guilt, I have so much guilt for continuing to cheat on her that it takes a long time for me to climax. But not with you. With you it happens so quickly. Which makes me feel even more guilty…” (only now that I retype this do I realize how fucking stupid that statement is!)
“I almost left my wife for (insert last name of the girl he had an affair with here) . But I came to my senses. I will never leave (wife’s name). I would DIE without her” (yeah literally he would die as she pays the bills, takes care of the house and child and takes care of him, that must be what he meant.
The girl he was F-ing before me though? Oh he smeared her to me. He actually used your terminology “she is utterly bat shit crazy”….LOL. Is that line from a Narc textbook? Holy damn! But yes she was crazy and all of that.
Later on he admitted he still kept in touch with her. When I questioned his sudden change in story his response was “I owe her”. When I said “why do you owe her?” His reply was “I hurt her as badly as I hurt my wife and family. I made her believe I was going to leave my wife for her. I hurt her so I owe her”.
Me: “In what way do you owe her?”
Him: “To be there for her if and whenever she needs me”
I can only wonder how many more are in the wings amongst me, the one before me and his wife. Any guesses?
My narc always said from the beginning he would never leave his wife. He said they have sex monthly, but always him initiating and she shows no desire for him. He said they don’t say “I love you” either and that he’s not happy with her. He did say he could never leave his kids, and that she’s a good mom. That he would lose a lot of friends if he left her, and that his life would be very different. I appreciated that he was upfront about that.
Of course, the next day he told me about having a passionate 6-month affair with a woman he had worked with years ago, and that if she had wanted him to, he would have left his wife for her. Was that thrown in to give me hope? It def created a glimmer.
Mary:)
I could be wrong, but I think he said it to hurt you to draw fuel from you.
If it was me I would have thought:
Oh, so you would leave your wife for her, but not for me?
So the kids, the wife, and your mutual friends are not that important when it comes to her?
Again, I am no expert here:)
God bless🙏🏻
Sunniva, that’s not something I’d considered but it’s entirely possible he was doing that to draw early fuel. I didn’t expect him to want to leave for me that early though.
This was during our first few conversations. So I took it as “if he was willing to leave his wife for her, maybe he would me if he developed feelings.” But I wasn’t sure if he planted that idea in my head on purpose or not.
To add to reply to Sunniva… thank you for your take on his comment!
My mid range said similar things to me. That he “almost left his wife” for my predecessor. He sort of made me think he was gonna leave her for me but then he will come right back and say things like “no one on this world will make me leave my wife, including you”. So my two cents? It is all said for fuel.
You need to realize THERE IS NO HOPE! you need to read more of HG’s literature and buy some of his books, esp if you think they are giving you “hope”
C,
Thank you. I do realize there is no hope. It took over a year to figure it out, but I’ve been No Contact for 3 months. This last month I’ve turned my obsession to just understanding all of the narc behaviors, through HG’s writing, stories shared here by others, and try to process my feelings about what happened. So I’m not holding onto hope now, was just trying to pick apart that discrepancy in what he said. If it was said to give hope. It prob was like Gabbanzobean and Sunniva suspect, all a means of extracting fuel.
@ Mary: this is a “positve” obsession, to this blog… make it your addiction. HG does not disappoint. processing is a daily learning experience and a commitment you make to YOURSELF for YOU! My point was to not even try to “pick apart” things they say and do… what you have to do, is learn to UNDERSTAND the behavior of the N, that is when the healing begins and do not break N/C…. i wish you strength and power
Good morning from Norway Mary:)
I am glad to read that you have been 3 months NC. Good for you😃💪🏻
Mr Tudor has taught us that everything they do is for fuel, positive or negative.
I didn’t realize he said this in the first week, but then you can add that he was testing to see if would stay on and “take” the abuse further down the road of your relationship. At least that is what I have learned from reading the blog posts and books of Mr Tudor:)
Keep on reading💪🏻
From your replays to your comment I can tell that you are a polite and decent person:)
Stay strong🦋