Nothing’s Impossible
There are times when even my charm is in limited supply and is refusing to stretch. This often happens when I have subjected a victim to a fierce period of devaluation so that they have been pushed to their limits and they are at breaking point. Something stirs inside of them which causes them to decide that they need to escape me. They may not fully understand why but they know that they need to depart. It may be the case that an external influence is interfering in my carefully laid plans of denigration and this meddling threatens to puncture of even sever my supply of delicious negative fuel. It is at these moments when I am staring at the potential loss of a succulent supply of fuel that I make a particular play in order to prevent the cessation of supply. In such circumstances I will ensure that there is only you and I and that the potential for external interference is at a minimum. I need to ensure that I have your undivided attention and there will not be somebody else seeking to throw a spanner into the works. I want them excluded and banished so that I can concentrate entirely on you and make my last throw of the dice.
“I know that this time I will have to change,” I will begin as I fix you with my most earnest of looks. You stop what you are doing and look at me and already I can see the indecision in your eyes as I start with this sentence. It is always a good opening gambit. You and your like love to think that we can change, that there is some goodness deep within us that can be harnessed and used to get us back on track. You are great believers in redemption.
“I need a miracle to help me this time, “ I continue as I underline the gravity of the task that I am faced with. By according such gravitas to your stated intention to depart, I demonstrate just how seriously I am taking your threat. Inside I am exploding with rage at your audacity in daring to even to suggest that you will leave me. Me, of all people, me who has done so much for you. It is everything I can do to contain the fury but I know I must do so for an explosion now will be what finally pushes you away.
“How did we come to be this far apart?” I ask fixing you with a pleading look. By underlining that we were once so close, nay inseparable, I am appealing to your desire to bring us back to that closeness once again. This also allows you a chance to talk and talk is something you like to do. I let you trot out all the perceived injustices that you have supposedly suffered at my hands. I hear little of it because I know that you are mistaken and this is all based on your incorrect perceptions of me. This time I just have to let it wash over me in order to allow my influence to exert itself over you. I cannot stand to be criticised and inside I am dying but I am taking this blow for the greater good, the greater good of ensuring this precious fuel supply remains intact.
“Just tell me what you need me to do and I will do it,” I trot out next, conning you into thinking that you have some vestige of power and authority over me, when of course you have none. Again in order to serve my own purposes I am content to allow you to think that you can bring some influence to bear over me. Again this will give you a chance to detail all of the change and remedial behaviours you expect me to engage in. I will nod and make the appropriate noises as you ramble on about the changes you want me to effect. I pluck the lines which I have heard others use on so many occasions to enable me to continue my con. You are suckered by it on every occasion. I know it works and this is why I do it.
“I know we can get through this, nothing’s impossible,” I add as I take your hands and stare into your eyes. Invariably this line secures you giving me yet another chance and your relief eclipses my own as I know that I have you once again. Your joy at not parting provides me with even further fuel and I can allow you a brief golden period by way of reward. After all, you may as well enjoy it because it is not going to last for long is it?
44 thoughts on “Nothing’s Impossible”
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Dear Mr Tudor,
I tried to leave my friend, hmmmmm at least 6 times, he went into panic mode every time …. so, being the good little empath that I am, I stayed. Even Mr Bubbles agreed I should stay as he needed further help. We both took him to the movies, social functions and outings. The thing was I had friends notice his improvement, which made it harder to exit. Worst decision I ever made …. I shouldv’e gone with my first instinct.
He apparently severed a tie with a woman, to have me on the scene exclusively. He ended up doing the same to me. No surprise there!
Being used, abused and tossed out with no reason is just plain cruel and unforgivable.
No wonder we end up looking within to seek answers, but after coming across your works Mr Tudor …. I now know
Nothing’s impossible alright Mr Tudor,….. I left!
Great article!
Thank you. Well done.
Hmm
I needed to hear this, it makes me stronger. Feeling very drained, (up and down emotions). I will never hear his lies again, he has no accountability for his actions. I hear he is planning a wedding with the new supply, he said that 11 years ago with the other woman. I didn’t know what he actually was, till I started doing my research on him. I haven’t spoken to him in 47 days. Sometimes I feel his emotions, (it sounds crazy) but Ive been married to the narc for 25 years. I do pick up on his energy, just like he picks up on mine. I’m the runner this time, and I’m running away to save my life.
Thank you, HG 🙂
M is right. They are not interested in being friends. They will agree to that only to exploit it and you will be back at square one almost immediately. You are telling yourself a lie about detaching gradually to ease the pain because addiction fucks with your head. Just like hes going to continue to do if you dont end this ride to nowhere. Is an empty fuck worth losing the husband and child(ren) you say you love over? because you cant keep it up forever-eventually your husband and child(ren) will find out. Is this user and abuser worth that?
Couldn’t agree more. Exploitation under the guise of friendship. Soul shattering.
I’ve been no contact 4 months, nearly a year since I saw them last. I celebrate each week and month that passes. I’ve read a lot about breaking addictions and relapses. Stay strong and detox by focusing on other things, don’t keep reliving the hell. Make the horrible memories stronger than the loving ones, then when you are tempted, you will remember it is not worth it. I’m planning a party when I get to my year anniversary of when i left. I was on the verge of loosing my home. Already lost my job, lost my health and was told I would not be able to work full time again. I’m celebrating 10 months of working full time this month. Don’t give up, trust your instincts.
Good job remaining n/c…. you are going to make it and rise above 🔜
You really are an Evil Mother Fucker but I appreciate the insight. I have refitted my empath’s tool kit. I got rid of hope, love, trust, redemption and patience. I threw in misanthropy, revenge and some more rage and a lot of boundaries. And I used a Sharpie to write this message on it: All hope abandon ye who enter here (metaphorically speaking). Life on earth with your kind is HELL.
Uh, I hope you only mean you’re getting rid of all that stuff in regards to the narc in your life and not altogether. 🙂
Hello June
When I was a young child I was a cynical little sociopath and I was much better off, so I am reverting back to my old ways, minus the sociopath part, so I can protect myself and my children. I do not know what you, or others on this blog, are dealing with but I am surrounded by narcissists and it is making me a little cranky lately.
PS
and since I am having a pissed-off day, I will add this in: the two empaths that I know are nothing but pathetic-whiny-pussified-candy-assed-fragile-snowflakes, who are strung-out on pharmaceuticals and red wine. I hate them both. God, that felt good!
K… it felt good to hear you say it! My thoughts are similar….
K-
How could anybody not like snowflakes? They’re beautiful and every one is unique! Okay, unless you have to shovel them. Then they suck. 😀
Joking aside…it sounds like you’re in a bad place right now, and I’m sorry about that. After growing up with 2-possibly 3 narcissists as immediate family, I don’t trust anyone I know in-person enough tell them anything more than surface-level things about myself. Not even those I call my friends. I spend time with them and have fun with them, but I’ll never let them know me. I just always think they’ll use what I say against me.
But I think your post, combined with HG’s about how he feels about his inner circle, may have scared me straight…ish. When I go back to college in September, I’m going to try to tell a friend something personal. Nothing major, but maybe my REAL favorite song rather than naming a random pop song I’ve heard on the radio too many times.
Or maybe I’ll start with something fake. If they don’t betray my pretend trust maybe I can start with a bit of the real thing.
And a nap usually helps when I’m feeling cranky. Or maybe go to the movies or treat yourself to something at your favorite restaurant. I’m not stupid or a Hallmark card (though you may beg to differ). I know it won’t make your problems go away. But it DOES help to think about something else for a few hours or just rest and recharge.
I’m currently picturing you rolling your eyes, so I’m going to stop now, and just say good luck with your situation and I hope you overcome whatever obstacles are in your path. 🙂
C*
When I am in a rage, I often think of you, because we share such similar feelings. It is good to know that I am not alone in this respect.
K… i got your 6, lol, virtually….. and i am anti sno-flake
K and maybe C⭐️ Can either of you enlighten me
How can one be sociopathic as a child and empathic as an adult?
I may be misunderstanding your comments, yet K yours definitely comes across to me as you were sociopathic as a child and empathic as an adult.
@twilight: If you are referring to a comment K made…. I do know her deets, if she was diagnosed. I understand that sociopaths CAN feel shame, remorse and empathy but only if a mental “criteria” of are met like that with family members. I also understand that sociopaths feel empathy towards family but none at all towards others. A psychopath, on the other hand, is completely devoid of empathy. People confuse sociopathy with psychopathy…. I am not an expert, however I do have access to experts and that is how I answered your question…
I think aspergers/autism shares a couple of things with narcissism but also a lot of differences.
They say aspies have lowered empathy , they have lower levels of oxytocin like narcissists too.
On the other hand aspies dont need to troll people. They spend time on their special interests.
Aspies are naive and gullible whereas narcs are streetsmart.
So I would say someone who learns to be more empathetic could be mildly autistic.
Have any of your fuel sources ever escaped successfully? Or have they all been re-ensnared in the end? Just curious. 🙂
Thanks so much for answering all my questions, HG. I’m sorry if I ask too many and/or they annoy you.
Two. I don’t think they would describe it as successful though.
You are welcome. They do not annoy me, nor do you ask too many.
Two out of how many?????
Interesting that narcy never attempted to placate me with false promises of changing. It was simply my fault. If I didn’t apologise, I got the silent treatment until I saw the ‘error of my ways.’ His stamina for holding out, even when I saw him desperate, was unprecedented. But all narcs are different of course, even NPD sufferers are human…
I can resonate with this article so much that I think I am going to have to change my name to Gullible.
Ughhhhh…this is what im wanting but not wanting. Wanting contact which i know is bc of addiction but not wanting bc then its on my shoulders to decide and its all so very painful. Its painful if he does contact me and painful if he doesnt. I wish i could fall in a coma for a yr and wake up a new person. The whole thing is so shitty. The worst part is missing them. My last message was that we should keep it to friends only which is what it was anyways. I feel i lost a friend and thats the most empty feeling. I could be angry and vindictive but its sadness that i feel. Nc really is hell. Hopefully in the next few wks itll get easier. Day 3 is proving to be a hard one.
Narc Affair,
Funny, I was thinking this morning upon waking up that I wish I could just sleep for several years.😩.
It’s hard but what’s working for me is thinking of all the negatives of being with the Narc and this puts it into perspective as to why better I’m off without him. I’m still mentally cursing him though.😬
Hi Ank…its very draining and i really mean it when i say i wish i were in a coma for a year. Im not suicidal but im exhausted and i dont feel strong most times. I watched a u tube the other day and its so true why we cant let go is bc of whats wrong within us its not the narc. The narc gives us something we were lacking but they give us a bunch of abuse with it. I do love my narc but thats not what keeps me bound its the addiction and illness within my own soul. Hes been the glue holding it together but that glues not permanent and the pieces are coming apart. I need to do a lot of self work and the thought scares me and exhausts me.
I may look into hypnotism to help me out. Not sure if itll work but im willing to try.
Ty for your post it helps 🙂
I totally get where you’re coming from Narc Affair.
We became biochemically and psychologically attached to the narc. It is hard to go NC because we don’t want to break these bonds which made us feel good during the seduction and golden period. That is the addiction, the part that we need to work on I guess.
The narcs have their own addiction – the addiction to fuel, whatever form this is in. But their brain chemistry is different as they are lacking the functionality that feels remorse, guilt, empathy etc.
Have you considered counselling? I have been going for 5 months. I have got a lot of things of my chest. It is exhausting – I feel tired mentally after every session but it has made me see as to why I maybe fell for the narc.
I have been thinking of signing up for an online course on how to get over Narchole. It is a site on breakups, going NC and letting go. I get regular e-mails from the site which explain a lot in themselves, although they do not touch on narcissism specifically. I haven’t taken the plunge on enrolling for the course yet, but may be something I might do down the line it is a form of behavioural therapy and part of it is working on stopping the overthinking process,
Just remember that you are an amazing person, with a beautiful soul that has been ill used. It has been bruised, badly, but it will recover. We will both recover.
Hi ank…ty for your advice and sweet things youve said ❤ you know the best part about being in a narcissistic relationship is meeting so many wonderful beautiful people going thru similiar situations. I feel very blessed for that!
Youre right it is the addiction component thats the hardest to break and the conditioning and maladaptive cognitive beliefs. I most definitely would consider counselling. My last counsellor was really good but we got to a point she said not to make any appts until i could make one change towards my goals. I do understand where she was coming from but i wasnt ready. Ive been to a clinical psych, registered psych, counsellor and a life coach friend. All offered great help but different angles. The bottom line is to be free you have to walk thru the pain, fear and deep sadness and i struggle to do this.
Narc Affair,
Yes, NC is hell. All the time at first, the most of time, then half the time… it does lessen. It’s been over 3 months for me and I still “miss” my narc at moments, just the fun banter between us even when not sexual, but that missing is not all consuming anymore, and it’s not even daily.
I’m so so sorry you are hurting so much. You will heal and feel better in time, though I’d never promise how quickly. Your involvement was six years, right? Your golden period was half of that? So you missing him and his place in your life is going to be a more gradual thing I imagine. Give yourself permission to feel as lost or sad or anxious or relieved or whatever you feel. That was a big help for me… knowing it’s ok to hurt and miss the connection I felt with him. Knowing that missing him is not a sign he’s meant to stay in my life, it’s a sign of me being addicted AND the fact that all of my feelings for him were real.
A place in your life is different now and it’s so important to just trust your own process and keep checking in here if you doubt you are doing the right thing. And I know you know this, but you don’t owe anyone a thing except yourself. You know better than anyone what you need. If you feel strong enough to stay away, then you will. If you don’t, and you go back, there is no shame in it.
You know most of my story. I def can say I wanted to leave when I felt ready. Ultimately, I had to walk away because I knew I was strong enough at that moment, because I knew it hurt more than his going quiet every few weeks or months, but if I left, the intense pain would lessen (and not repeat over and over until he was done). But I never got to a place of feeling “ready.” There was always going to be some doubt and there STILL is. But when I knew I could walk away and survive it, that was the time. And it’s different for everyone.
I believe in you and am sure others here do too. Hugs. You deserve to have your needs met and not have your head and heart fucked with. You are already stronger from the things you have shared here, and learned in this process. You will be even stronger at the end of this. You won’t feel it for a while and that’s ok.
Hi mary…ty so much for your post. Thats just it it has to be when we feel ready. Hes already sent an email and i know myself too well to say i wont break nc. Im so sick of myself in regards to all this. I need to pull my socks up and just do what i know is the only answer to it all. Yet it terrifies me to do so bc of the intense depression. Idk maybe i should just keep the narc in my life but detach gradually but still have him as a friend. Its mind boggling 🙁
Just to add Narc Affair,
It is hard not to respond when they contact you, but with me he is contacting me less – down to once a week. Whereas this use to bother me, with me ending up texting him, I am no longer initiating, the urge to send a text just to be acknowledged s becoming less. He doesn’t give a shit about me so why go back to ask to be slapped on the other cheek, metaphorically speaking.
They can give you nothing real. They are fake, with fake emotions, fake concerns. Keep telling yourself that.
This is where I am.
The struggle is so real and it hurts. I keep having to remind myself that he’s not real. Even as a friend and not a lover, he’s still not real. 🙁
Gabbanzobean, Narc Affair, they can be no friends of ours. Do not even try. They do not care for friendship, they care for our total surrender, something only a person in love can offer.
Hi gabbanzobean… i feel your struggle thru your posts and can really sympathize but dont forget how far youve come. Youre leaps and bounds ahead of someone like me in detaching. Pat yourself on the back for that! Hope it gets easier and easier over time👍
Been there…….done that……don’t give up…..it will get easier……just take it an hour at a time………
I challenge you to think “logically” from here on in, not “emotionally” and know the difference. When you process thoughts logically without emotion, it will assist you in getting through this rough patch. You CAN do this!
Hi c ☆…ty for that advice and im going to try thinking this way which is not natural to me but is a better balance than purely emotional. Emotional gets us in trouble.
indeed….
Thank you HG. Exactly the post I needed to survive today.
*pulls tin hat over ears and swallows bile*
You are welcome.
Awwwww Sandra…..whoever or where ever you are……my heart goes out to you…….well whatever is left of it……..at least you seem aware of what you are dealing with……that’s a big step in the right direction……most of us don’t realise until we have escaped. Knowledge is power…..so they say……..
Thank you, Diva.
Your empathy evoked the nearest thing to tears I have felt in the 22 days since I surprise-escaped and implemented No Contact. I got my IGH email yesterday. I have not replied to the email as I am trying to heed HG’s warnings and ensure my success. But I am still in The Bell Jar.
Empathy. It is a gift to be appreciated, not exploited.
Hi Sandra……make sure you stay in the bell jar for the time being ….I have not heard that expression before….I just had to look it up……but I know what you mean now!!!!!! You are doing great by the way…….it gets easier. x