Closure Denied
We do not do the clean break. We never allow closure. There is no neat conclusion when you have been entangled with our kind. You are not allowed the precise and final cut of the surgeon’s scalpel but instead you must be content with the rusty saw that has sought to effect an amputation but instead has merely created a grisly abomination whereby there remains tendrils attached and ragged and torn flesh. No matter how hot the water which flows in your shower and the vigour with which you scrub your reddened flesh, no matter how much detergent you apply and no matter whether you use scrubbing brush or wire wool you cannot remove that residue. We linger. We remain. We percolate and infiltrate.
This, like much of what we do, is a calculated act to maintain a connection between you and us. We can never let go so we see no reason why you should be allowed to either. The residue which we create and which you cannot remove, takes many forms. It may be the fact that we chose you when we worked together so that each day you have no choice but to see us across the floor space in the same office, in the cafeteria or striding across the car park. Once upon a time, like every good fairy tale, you smiled and you felt your heart skip a beat as you saw us exit the lift and smile at you. That wonderful smile which was just for you. Now when we exit the lift and our cold, dead eyes alight on you, the smile is no more than a sickly leer which slowly opens up across our face as we know the residue of our impact on your remains deep inside you. You are faced with this each day. It is either that or leave and go somewhere else and even though you know that the latter is probably the most appropriate cause of action, something prevents you from doing so. Is it because you still want to see us? Of course it is. You may very well hate us but you cannot still help yourself as you want to see what we are doing and allow yourself the indulgence of looking at us and remembering.
In a different way the residue may be the fact that we owe you money and you are left to contact us, despite not wishing to do so, because you want, no, because you need that money. After all, we leeched from you so successfully that we have left you in penury and you need this money to be reimbursed. Part of you would rather write it off and in doing so hope that you can scour us from your memory, but circumstance dictates the necessity of collection. We know this and we shall provide excuse and exhibit delay and prevarication in order to keep you hanging on and in order to keep the connection between us alive still. The money will be paid by the end of the week promise. Sorry but we had to have a new boiler fitted so it will be next month now. The bonus was not as large as had been promised so it will a further three months as I shall have to pay you by instalments. What money? I do not know owe you anything. We keep you dangling and pull at the connection that remains between you and I. If it is not money, then it will be possessions. We will purposefully leave our belongings in your house and you will repeatedly ask us to collect them. We issue similar excuses to the repayment of the borrowed money. I am a bit busy at the moment maybe next week. I need to collect it in a car and mine is in the garage at the moment. If the possessions are not ours at your property then we will have ensured that in addition or as an alternative we will have kept items belonging to you with us, causing you to have to keep some form of contact with us in order to recover them. We ensure we select those items which are expensive and of sentimental value so you will not be able to replace them but instead you must keep asking us for the items. We will string out the return of these items by failing to be in when you call to collect them, turning up to deliver them when you are not in, forgetting to do so and so forth. It all maintains the link between us and increases your upset, annoyance and frustration. We want to keep our residue in your life so that when we choose to make our move we can suck you back in without difficulty.
We will remain in the same circle of friends as you. With our notoriously thick skin we will still turn up to meals and drinks knowing that you will be there. You will feel uncomfortable and resent our intrusion. Third parties will try to keep the peace and of course we will maintain our façade in order to show that we are a good person and we are just trying to be civil following the ending of the relationship. You may react to this and it enables us to point out that you are unhinged, unpleasant and always have to bear a grudge. Is it any wonder that we left?
Whilst we create the ever presence so that you see us everywhere you go, in sounds, in sights and tastes, we also like to leave our mark on you, smearing you with the residue of the relationship so that you feel tainted for the rest of your life, marked with the repeated reminder that you have been embroiled in a relationship with us and moreover to let you know in the clearest terms that you will never be free of us. We can never be washed away.
40 thoughts on “Closure Denied”
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I’m in this hell the first time he left I swore if he hoovered ID resist but I didn’t Now he’s gone silent on me twelve days I’m almost certain he’ll hoover again and I want to say ill resist but I can’t say I will I know this rollercoaster needs to end but I don’t know how despite everything I feel like he’s my soulmste even though I know he’s abusing me with his silent treatments and discards I wish I never met him because his hold is do strong I try to meet other men but I constantly compare other men to him its like in living a nightmare and I don’t know how to stop I have him blocked on everything right now but he always finds a way to contact me and I always give in
Limbo…The land of uncertainty and enforced solitude where waiting it out is your only option. There is nowhere to hide from yourself, your circumstances- your transgressions. A place of sorrow and torment, there is No escape- Only time. The price is always too high to pay for your release and that payment must be paid in full first. Always. Limbo is Forever and Limbo has nothing but time to kill.
Your many tears flood the earth, nearly drowning you in all your regrets and anguish- I could have, should have, wish I had, what if I had- Trying to bargain and promise your way out, with yourself, with your Universe and anything that will listen to your pleas-but they all fall on the deaf ears of Nothingness. Limbo is a vacuum. No one would listen anyway. No one Cares.
Swirling emotions: Confusion, gut wrenching pain, guilt, denial, the truth, memories of all things good, your betrayal – all create the frigid wind that blows with such force, that at times it knocks you to your knees in shame and defeat- You try to curl into a ball and ever into yourself- but you are not allowed that reprieve for long…
Torment viciously tears at your heels and you run. Run as far and as fast as your lungs and legs will carry you, only to find that you’ve ended just where you had begun. Maybe you were never really running at all, but standing in the quagmire of your own making trying to escape and fight off the shadows that nip and bite at you and remind you of how you’ve failed. Failure!
You wait and wait in this frozen prison of self-suffering, self-denigration until you hear the voice of your god boom from all around you.
Kindness and Mercy fall on you like a warm blanket. You cry out in hope, tears streaming down your face in relief and words of undying gratitude and love sing from your lips as the warm sun kisses your face-
Then a loud BANG! Deafening and resonating- ricocheting off of everything that is in your personal hell. The lid has been slammed down once again. There is no reprieve, no pardon- Nothing but a cold, dark void.
This is where you’ve left me, Beast. It is where you intend I remain for all time. Would that I could trade this underground hellish nightmare of black and steel-for the gilded cage, the golden chains, and the illusion of our world above…
Sometimes the best form of closure is … no closure.
Yes not giving the narc closure. They may not need it in the way we do , but they are very reliant on us wanting it and our need for the endless talks and our need for explanations . When we ignore hoovers it’s the equivalent of not giving a narc closure. The only thing we are giving them is indifference which is what they so happily dish out but cannot take .
Really? Limbo is the worst place to be . . . . no closure leaves the door open. Does anyone agree with that??? With all due respect . . . . Youre only a PsyD. The little education you’ve obtained cannot replace common sense. Perhaps you can write your disortation on no closure being a form of closure. I’d love to read it and make sense out of it.
Limbo
I think what Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. meant was that no closure is the signal to move on, thus, that is closure in and of itself.
In the case of NPD abuse, you will not get closure from the narcissist because it means the provision of fuel will end, and does so for good, and the narcissist does NOT want that. The door is deliberately left open for future hoovers (for both positive and negative fuel) or potential re-ensnarement.
I agree, being in Limbo is the worst place to be, but I was lucky because once I found narcsite I got closure immediately and then I was able to move on. It is about letting go.
Hg tudor, i wonder if mine ex was a narc . Because i have been in no contact for 4 years never saw or heard him again he has new supply. TI cant easily forget him since we never get in contact? do some narc completely erase certain supply?
No they do not. There will be certain circumstances which have caused the situation which you have described. If you provide me with more detail through a private consultation, I can certainly pinpoint for you why this has happened.
I was able to ready myself and I escaped when he was about to discard me. Right after realizing he has changed so much and by 180 degrees, I searched about his behaviours and the moment I saw the clarity that he’s been cheating on me, I went on empathic supernova and established no contact. I ignored all his messages on facebook, email, and hangouts. I even went as far as going without my phone for a month (we were on long distance relationship when this happened). After a month, he went home to our countrt and I still ignored all his messages. He went to my house and in 5 minutes I cast him away as emotionless as possible. Being true to my words, I promised that I will unblock him online so he’d leave. I never did.
Now, I still dont respond to the message requests on fb. I found out from a flying monkey that he is overseas. He’s been going on vacay between him messaging me asking me out as he cant move on. I dont understand what phase this is. I heard there are no girlfriends advertised or verbalized but y hoover me and why waste the little money he has in going on a rountrip in Asia.
Hopfully anyone who knows better and HG cpuld shed light.
When will I be free? 26 days since last nice communication where I flipped out completely after finding out the truth … 8days since asked kindly to do one last thing for me, 5 days since I had it done by nasty means. Why do I miss him? Seriously..I’m so feed up with my damn empathic side and wanting to put things right and be kind again! So feed up… damn N, damn no closure or acknowledgement that I excist and for the years we had together …
Going up a hill today .. both mentally and for exercising!
Hard .. so hard… want me back
Climb that hill because you have further ones to climb figuratively, but climb them you will.
The excercise made me more relaxed and that damn mountain will be my anxiety relief from now on… and a firm nice behind as a bonus!
I hope I’ve seen and heard the last of the ugly and pathetic man…. far away from Hooverville since I disappeared completely. Still miss the illusion but not the real one…
Funny today … I started to write a nice mail again and I’m the middle of it I got so angry with what he has done so I stopped, deleted it and went up the damn hill instead! Think I’m on the right track finally …
thanks HG
Inspired by Miley Cyrus, “The Climb” today HG?
There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose…
Who?
Miss Wrecking Ball herself, HG.
At 53 and following numerous attempts to escape. I am just too tired to climb the mountains. We have a house together – project house – once that is finished and the house is sold I have decided I will buy a house by myself. I doubt I will ever be able to completely get rid of him, but at least I can have my own space. Those hoovers…sad eyes, pleading, begging…just too much. HG – is there hope for me?
You can do it! Be strong!
Burned away with for then? Cause screw that money by this point and frankly he left his shit here, if it’s still here then I claim plausible deniability – must be unwanted – so let’s torch it. All of it. I already sold the specifics requested by him after he didn’t pick up twice on basis he’d get them when I get my money – sold off on Kijiji at below value prices too. Made sure to screenshot the ads to send to him too btw, thx to HG’s idea in Revenge I think it was… The buyers thought they were getting a steal too, double the warm fuzzy feelings for me and triple if I include not having those things to look at anymore or taking up my space. I can’t believe I ever felt bad for a pathetic creature as him. All Ns before him were good for a final battle of a fight once face to face with the end my belief in the fantasy and complete detachment and indifference to them or the hope of them I suppose is more accurate… That’s one good thing I guess from repeated abuse or trauma, the ability to be numb and detach. But this guy… He has no damn fight in him and it is the most mind numbing situation I’ve ever been in like he stands literally for nothing, I question if this is because he puts so much energy into fabricating his poor me victim pathology that there’s just nothing left but even when angry the best he can spew out when provoked is caveman arrrgg sounds and something about now I know who is he Yadda Yadda but won’t ever admit to being is manipulative a$$clown of a manchild. I’ve tried many times he is void of language and reality it seems at times, but never of language painting himself as Mr Martyr Man. I’m sure he tells that story when talking in his sleep even.
Ugh no more midrangers ever again… The patheticness of them is even too much for me to stand tolerating ever again. At least the lesser you know where they stand. It’s scary in its own right dont get me wrong but the mind games are just far less possible as HG has explained BC can’t keep the rage contained. The greaters well that’s self explanatory, there is never an end and always the possibility of going to unbelievable lengths. But as completely delusional or toxic (no offence) those things are based on, I can at least have some respect and relate to the drive and ambition at the very least, again not making light of the possibility or degree of fear this can create but… Know where you stand in the sense of never being safe I guess. But his passively seething and revengeful simmering and never blowing up and spewing it out into reality of the midrangers… Never in my life have I met someone so determined to be a pathetic coward of a creature yet so full of disdain it’s obviously there barely under the surface and yet will be denied up to the grave I am almost certain
You’re not alone in this thinking. Well written. I live in fear now and no closure for me. I ignited his fury. In hindsight, it wasn’t worth it and it didn’t really work to free me 4ever either.
Hope you are well 💜
I got as much closure as I’m going to get through way of a protective order, but I know he’s still behind the scenes watching me.
My reality as well. After he was served RO, 3 days later his car was parked outside my house. I got the message and it makes me so sad. I forgave him a month ago–not for his sake but for my own becuz I’m so angry about so many things. He took my forgiving him different from a normal type person. He took it to mean I would go back to him.
I’ve just had a hoover 2 days after I ignored his birthday , it’s a meme
Saying
I can’t forget u
And a picture of a distraught crying man and a women walking away.
Quite clever really maybe that’s the meme he always uses or he’s been frantically googling trying to find a suitable one !!
Lisa…dont fall for it!!
Hi NA, I know it is difficult , I’ve resisted intermittent hoovers for nearly 3 months now, I’ve never done this before ever. It’s hard to ignore everything. But I can’t go back to the same bullshit again I’m actually sickened by him. But I think he’s shocked that nothing’s working this time as he’s used to me going back just by sending a victim text lol
There’s a contradiction in here u say never let us go so u don’t want us to either but on many occasions u have said there’s never an attachment to a source of supply so how can this be and also the fact u discard is evidence of letting us go
There is no such thing as a discard. It is a dis-engagement.
We attach you to us. We do not attach to you.
If he wants me attached to him for fuel but has no attachment to me and appliances are interchangeable , why bother with all the hoovering , why bother with my fuel when it’s irrelevant which intimate partner/appliance it comes from , particularly since everything says one is never enough there are always others ?
🙁
Of all things, I thought of the importance of how healthy closure makes things as I watched the Men Tell All for The Bachelorette last night. Yes, I know, my total summer guilty pleasure soon to be followed up with Bachelor in Paradise. lol
But…the guys who progress farther to the end, get to question Rachel (Bachelorette) and get some answers in the form of closure. Their voice is heard. They get to ask why wasn’t it me after all. The eruptions that blew up between the guys in the house are brought to a head and the antagonists cannot hide and give a silent treatment. Even if it is staged, some accountability for how people treat others is enforced. Most people just want to be validated and walk away feeling like the person they cared so much about still thinks highly of them and values the time the spent together.
I will never get over this part of not having closure with someone. Seriously, it’s like my right to life, liberty, happiness and goddammit, closure.
With all the mind games, word salad, silent treatments and gaslighting, we walk away feeling like we’re the ones whose residue you’re washing away from us trying to cleanse yourself.
Clarece, THIS!!!! I agree with you about closure being important. And have been hooked on Bachelor/Bachelorette/BIP for a few years now. lol The relationships on the show I think would feel like narc relationships to contestants if there was no closure. Things can get intense and move quickly, there is competition from several others, you invest your heart into it, then suddenly are on your way home. (Well, in most cases, there isn’t mindfuckery between the couples so that helps.)
Do you think Lee on this season is a narc? I kept thinking he has to be, the way he bragged about getting into Kenny’s head. He just took too much pleasure in fucking with people who had thought of him as a friend. And I don’t believe his apology on the Men Tell All.
Hello Mary! I honestly don’t put a lot of stock in how the relationships develop on The Bachelor / Bachelorette due to how unique and unorthodox the whole process is to what the majority of us deal with in real life with dating. The host, Chris, once said in an interview that the actual one-on-one time spent that a couple has with each other including the fantasy suite night is about 36 hours, I think. Can you possibly imagine deciding to make someone your life partner after only 1 intimate night and a total of 3 days spread over 9 weeks? It is completely ridiculous. These couples have never experienced each other after a long, hard day at work or a knock out drag out fight, or conflict with a family member, let along just existing in your hometown in your hangouts and places to dine or be with your friends.
I respect Peter highly for being the most grounded in that he views being engaged as basically being married and just waiting for the official ceremony. Not part of the process to still date and get to know one another. He has it right and I think Rachel is too hung up on worrying about just walking away from the show with a just a boyfriend. He should be the one for her to not let go of.
Lee definitely has highly narcissistic traits. I did see some of his diary interviews where he seemed way more interested in playing a villain and getting into Kenny’s head. I don’t know if part of that was he never felt a strong connection with Rachel to begin with and wanted attention not realizing how bad it would blow up in his face. I believe in his circumstance he is also influenced culturally. This show will affect him however in moving forward in his professional life and personal life because his behavior, actions, things he said will not be tolerated by the masses and he will be forced in this situation to reflect and make some modifications.
To me, the most staggering narcissistic display was done by DeMario when his ex-girlfriend showed up at the basketball game calling him out for living together on and off for 6 months and him at first pretending to not know her. She has key to his place and texts to prove their conversations. Then he calls her crazy. Then he played victim. He was seriously rolling through the Narc playbook in a span of 5 minutes. I was floored. Then at the Tell All, he simply calls her a “side chick” aka Dirty Little Secret. I wanted to spit on him. It angers me that the producers picked that caliber person to go to Bachelor in Paradise. He’s simply going to establish more fuel lines.
Last summer, Josh and Amanda were a complete Narc relationship unfolding before our eyes each week. The constant love bombing and tongue hockey happening every day. His temper tantrums when other guests tried to warn her about his actions and demeanor. That was intense also.
I hate to go on so much about these people however there are great examples of the narcissistic dynamic which is helpful when you’re learning about it too.
I cant stand the bachelor or bachelorette…anytime you have to compete for someones love you already dont have it. How can the so called winner even feel good about being with the prize bc they had to compete for that person. The whole thing stinks of narcissism! Guaranteed all if not most of those relationships dont last. It sends out the wrong message about how a relationship starts off. People date in the real world but they dont treat their dates like competitors.
But Narc Affair, this where I learn my dating etiquette tips. You mean people don’t really toast their dates over every amazing thing they said and felt that day before a meal…?
😂
Is it supposed to be closure if they tell you that they want to be with someone else for real (but maybe keep you on the side) or is this just a tactic to keep you waiting? What happens if you just give up and walk away at that point?
It is a wedge. If you walk away, the reaction will depend on what your place is in the fuel matrix and also how the fuel matrix is constituted. You may face a Preventative Hoover, you may receive a Malign Hoover and be smeared.
Their skin is as thin as ours, no? It seems we are both highly sensitive (does not read: empathy) to stimuli, simply different affect, outcome and process internally.
Detach with love and focus and freedom will come.
Completely right. The N or circumstances surrounding him may give you little outs here and there. Take each one as an opportunity to move just one more step further away. Keep up the mask, “We’re still good, we’re still together. Work is just crazy” and one sweet day, you can take that FINAL exit and, as you say, WITH FOCUS, and the help of a drunk dial app (haha) you CAN detach. For Good.
Oh you can..