LoveSex Addiction

lovesex

In many instances there is often the lament following discard (and even escape) that although your experience with our kind was horrendous beyond measure the sex was out of this world. You miss the sex to an incredible degree. The sex was mind-blowing, intense, hugely satisfying and unlike anything else you have known. Now I know this is not always the case, there are some of our kind who are not interested in sex and some who are useless at it and in those instances you have more than likely been ensnared by a Victim Narcissist. That is not the topic of discussion today. Today we focus on those of our kind who are the sexual Olympian who thrilled and delighted you between the sheets (and plenty of other places too). One of the reasons our kind uses sex as a weapon is because of the addictive quality that we create around the sexual experience you have with us. Why is sex with us so addictive? There are actually several reasons, but the one I wish to focus on today is the concept of LoveSex. This is the link between Love and Sex.

We do not dissuade you from making such a link. In fact we positively encourage you to do this. The way that we seduce you and the way that we love bomb you is designed to inject love into sex so that they effectively become indistinguishable from one another. We are fully aware that irrespective of how self-sufficient you may like to think that you are, how independently you might lead your life, you still have that desire for the white knight. Again, this relates to the way that you have been conditioned by society to regard love and romance. We know about this and exploit this. An honest examination of your thoughts and feelings will result in your admitting that at least on one occasion you have wanted that dashing knight to come riding in on his charger, sweep you in his arms and then take you through to the bedroom where he makes tender and delicious love to you. You have been conditioned to expect to be treated like a princess and we do this when we place you on that pedestal during our love bombing of you. Sex is no different. You want to be taken care of in the bedroom, loved and made to feel special. By providing all of this when we have sex with you then we are blurring the lines between sex and love, binding the two together. Since we are so magnificent in our delivery of delicious and rewarding sex then this entwined sex and love causes you to feel a very special kind of love, better than anything else you have experienced before. We apply all of the loving techniques when we have sex with you. The tender, romantic, slow and caring way we caress and hold you before easing into you all accords with this almost dream-like perception of how sex should be. We do however go further than this traditional model of the handsome prince making sweet, delicate love to his beautiful princess. When we suddenly take you from behind, hitch up your skirt and bend you over a worktop or the back of the settee and have vigorous sex with you we will look to ensure that this type of sex is entwined with love. How do we do this? With words of course. Words come easily to us and are cheap to use. So as we are hammering away and you are admittedly enjoying this spontaneous and energetic sex we will be telling you things such as:-

“I just had to have you. You were stood there and I was overwhelmed with love for you.”

“I love you so much I needed to have you there and then.”

“You do something to me that makes me almost lose control. That is how much I love you.”

“I am so in love with you I just needed to be inside you.”

“You make me crazy in love, I cannot help myself.”

We reinforce this urgent sex with being linked to just how powerful and amazing our love is. The sex itself feels fantastic and when you hear those magical words being said to you from behind the two are melded together. The sex could not be regarded as romantic but that does not matter. Such rampant desire for you to be taken in this manner can only be a symptom of our love for you. This reinforcement will happen over and over again. From the obvious slow, tender love-making through to the quick knee-trembler on a table through to you fellating us in a parked car, we will cause you to associate all of these sexual acts as being manifestations of our truly remarkable love. Eventually, the word sex becomes eroded and every time we do something which is sexual in nature it is seen as love. Everything we do together in the sexual arena is born of love, is because of love and is a manifestation of love.

You are unable to resist this blurring of the boundaries between love and sex. You are not able to prevent sex actually subsuming the notion of love and cloaking itself in the name of love. This lack of resistance happens for two reasons. Firstly, the nature of our sexual couplings with you is so intense and enjoyable you want them and you want them repeatedly. Secondly, aside from the use of sex as a weapon, during the seduction stage you are being love bombed on lots of different fronts. We are saying beautiful things to you, writing you poems and love letters, buying you gifts, taking you to special places, looking after you when you feel ill, introducing you to our friends and so on. This onslaught of loving behaviour magnifies what we are doing on the sexual side. You are surrounded by loving behaviour so that it permeates into everything that we do with you, including sex. Accordingly, over time sex and love become bound up together. The great sex we provide to you translates as the marvellous love that we have for you. Sex is love, love is sex and it feels amazing causing you to become addicted to the sensation. We create lovesex and it is a powerful way of creating an addiction in you.

Listen to ‘LoveSex Addiction’

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60 thoughts on “LoveSex Addiction”

  1. He used to dissuade me from linking love with sex. It was me who kept insisting to him that the two are connected. Wonder why. Apart from that, everything was just as described and god I miss the sex!

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  2. It was mind blowing sex!!! He said he had to have it everyday.. then bam… it just stopped.. and that’s when he treated me as if I didn’t exist!!

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  3. My cerebral middle ranger was okay in bed. Not spectacular but not terrible. He climaxed way too fast though. He said “he could not help himself because I was hot”. Yawn! LOL. I wonder how many times he recycled that line!

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  4. I almost feel relieved that I never once experienced mind blowing sex with my last ex narc. It has to make it all the more painful after discard. But it was definitely a drag with the king of ED. I stuck around for the mind fuck.

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  5. i have an emotional body and a love addiction.

    this post reminds me of ’emotional rescue’ by the Stones, which i discovered 2 days ago.

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    1. Do you mean adult narcissist parent to non-narcissist children or adult narcissist parent to non-narcissist adult children?

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  6. HG what kind of narcissist would not be able to even say the words “I love you” and would openly admit when questioned that he did not really know what those words mean or that he did not know what love was? This was someone that could not and would not fake the words as you seem able to do…….this was a high flyer, extremely confident in all other social skills and an excellent communicator and a great people person, however when it came to dealing with or having to fake emotional scenes then it was incredibly difficult……..he even would have had trouble saying “goodbye” when close family stayed and then left ……not because he was too sad to see visitors leaving…….but because he could not act out the sentiments that he felt that he should be feeling or be expected to feel…….I think I am right when I state that if he was going away somewhere he would often throw in an argument grenade just before he was leaving……now I realise that this was another tactic to avoid any emotional scene………another instance was that his best friend died in another country and I said you really need to contact the family and tell them how sorry you are ……..he simply could not do it ……he seemed more distraught about making the phone call than the actual death of his friend……this is so hard to put into words but I know what I mean………hopefully you do too………

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      1. I appreciate your opinion and I have no doubt that you are right…..although it is not my problem any more…..just curious…….I like to make sense of things that make no sense…….I guess that sums up why I am here……

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  7. Um wow. This is insanely true! I definitely had to train my narc, but he learned quickly. I think I was the first very sexual woman he was with. I’m very confident in the bedroom and with my body. He seems to pick very insecure women typically as I have met his ex’s and they are all very modest and meek.
    He enjoyed the sex, but I was the one who initiated it more for sure. He never complained or turned it down. The gf before me stated he seemed pretty uninterested in their relationship. My guess is because she didn’t provide much fuel in the bedroom for him and I poured it out like crazy. He definitely is more interested in getting emotional fuel though. He’s not somatic or a sex addict like some. I think he’d get off by a woman just whispering in his ear how wonderful he is. gag.
    And let’s not forget he told us all we were the first to give him a blow job. Yeah. Hilarious.
    Love the line, “Words are cheap to us”. They sure are!! You narcs will say whatever it takes. No second thought. It still amazes me.

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    1. My married narc was monogamous. I was not his wife. The bullshittery. Tra-la-la. oh and the best part? It made me the slut, whore, fill in the blank word of the day. Nympho. Blah..

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  8. I can’t help thinking that a lot of the “mind-blowing sex” some of us claim to have had with our narcs wasn’t any more real than the rest of the relationship. It’s all part of the reality distortion field they manage to create. At the time, I thought it was great; but in retrospect, I see that as sex per se, it wasn’t anything special. It just seemed great because he was so adept at “blurring the boundaries” and making it just one more manifestation of lovebombing.

    Sex also becomes a key element of blameshifting during devaluation. He stopped showing any sexual interest in me. If I initiated it, he’d do it, but without much enthusiasm. Then he blamed me for the fact that the last few months of the relationship were essentially sexless. Classic passive-aggressive midrange bullshit.

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    1. Hi RN. I can readily identify with your comment. I thought Narcy was great in the sex department, but as you suggest, it’s about distorted reality; they give us what we want but it’s without genuine feelings, therefore sex is simply an empty gesture. After I believed (rightly) my narc was cheating on me, I felt like an unpaid prostitute. He wanted to fuck without affection and it felt wrong so I declined sex which maddened him.
      In the end unhealthy sex equals an unhealthy relationship and as we know, a ‘relationship’ with with a Narc is 100% unhealthy.

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  9. This is my relationship in a nutshell with the narc. The sex has been a huge component and the binder. Throughout most of the relationship i felt love thru the sex but there were also the sweet things he does and continues to do. Its very confusing but i think he does those things as part of the facade. One thing for certain is his love for me is entirely different than mine for him. I really fell in love with him and care about him. When his dad and sister passed away i felt badly and supported him which id do again. The sex had nothing to do with that but the sex began the addiction component of the relationship.
    I can see now he was on the hunt for a woman who was missing that piece of the puzzle and hes supplied that! He knew id never experienced kinky exciting sex where i could be myself. He is fun in the bedroom and we meshed so perfectly. I felt i met my soul mate in that respect. I felt desired and each time we are together i get that mixed signal of sex and love. Its a powerful weapon. 3/4 of the way thru the relationship something changed and i started to see he did not feel the way i percieved him to feel towards me. He doesnt love me the way i loved him. I dont say this in a way where i blame him bc i dont think hes capable. I see the disorder in him and he seems content the way hes been going in life. It hurt realising this but i understand why. I do know he misses me when were apart but as far as love im not so sure i think its that he misses what i give him. Hes an incredible lover and i enjoy spending time with him but theres the disorder thatll always be there lurking. Itll always make appearances.
    Im still addicted to the sex and that connection despite the fact i know its not real love in the sense of healthy love. He used sex to hook me and it worked but then i fell in love with him. I still love him and probably always will that part of him i know aside from the narcissism. How much is facade vs him i dont know and maybe hes become his facade and there is no line of distinction. The sex bonds us to them and the facade takes over. Its a web that ensnares and cocoons its victim tightly.

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  10. I really like beige
    I really like beige
    I really like beige

    If I tell myself this enough times I might start to really believe it!

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      1. You are right Clarece. I am throwing the towel in on this one. It is every color in the rainbow from now on!

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      2. I hate beige too and brown and grey……it’s only black, red or white for me!!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t know what that means and I don’t want to know either!!!!!

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    1. I was the widow of a wonderful man I absolutely adored. When my narc appeared he put color back in my world. Chaotic colors that clash but when I tried the world again without him the beige was just too mind-numbingly drab. Beige is only good for khakis. Guess I’ll go with the crazy colors and great sex and take some medication for the eyestrain headache.

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  11. Yes, this great sex thing is something I find hard to believe. I’ve been around a little (haha) and honestly, a narc doesn’t posses the things it takes to be good at sex. But possesses everything it takes to be mediocre or simply crap. You can’t fake being good. There may be exceptions but I keep reading how great it was and I’m just not buying it. For the record, when I say a narc lacks the qualities that are needed to be good at sex, I’m not talking about the ability to love. The best sex I ever had was with a guy I knew for about an hour (not a narc). So I’m thinking that 1. this great sex is imaginary, or 2. some people have low standards or 3. they never had actual great sex. I don’t mean to offend anyone.
    My ex was ok, but definitely not mind-blowing. Not even in the beginning. It was sort of “mechanical”. Another thing I noticed (and this is related to the sex) is that he wasn’t a good kisser. Now, I love kissing. I tried to teach him, but it just wasn’t passionate at all. This always annoyed me because so far, I loved kissing every guy I ever kissed. Aside from some guy (not boyfriend just pretty much random “oh hey let’s just make out whenever we’re drunk” guy from school) when I was about 17 – but that was because my entire face ended up being wet ewww.

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    1. I’ve been around a little, too. Mine is a wonderful kisser and the sex is fantastic. At least a half hour and 4 positions every time. He won’t do it in the morning because it’s too quick. I’ve had plenty of experience so I know I’m not imagining it. He taught me that there actually is a “G” spot and I can orgasm from vaginal sex. Just because you didn’t get great sex from yours doesn’t mean those of us who do are ‘imagining’ it. I don’t even want sex with anybody else because I know it won’t be as good, lol

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      1. OakorWillow, have you slept with my narc?! 😀 That was my experience too. So hard to get over (pun not intended!). I read Sex and the Narcissist which was great and I stopped craving sex with him but it did make me want to seek out more Elites (not so good).

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      2. Like I said, I wasn’t trying to offend anyone. But it seems that for some reason on this blog, the consensus is “narc = great sex” and if you read elsewhere, that’s not what most people say. Most narcs will even admit that they don’t like sex and I can’t imagine having good sex with a man who doesn’t even enjoy himself. So what I’m saying is that someone with full-blown NPD is highly unlikely to provide great sex to anyone but himself. Others, who are elsewhere on the narcissistic spectrum, might be well capable to do so.

        “I don’t even want sex with anybody else because I know it won’t be as good” – I hope you’ll change your mind about this at some point!

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      3. I have to disagree with you Anonymous. One of the fundamental factors which as resulted in the seduction and ensnarement is the quality of the sex that was provided by the narcissist. I accept it is not going to be the situation in every case and there will be those who describe it as non-existent, poor or mechanical even during the golden period (these will be Victim Narcissists and Cerebral). Many people I have engaged with (I do not mean that I have seduced as that is a given) have commented on the excellence and addictive quality of the sex. Indeed, many have also commented that the sex is the one thing they miss and even would go back for just to experience again.

        Your comment that ” is that someone with full-blown NPD is highly unlikely to provide great sex to anyone but himself. ” is only partially correct – it depends on which cadre they belong to.

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    2. Hi anonymous…..narcs can create great sex bc of a few reasons a) they have usually had many partners and they file away what worked and what their partners loved b) they can do pretty much anything without letting emotion get involved and will cater exactly to what that person wants regardless if they themselves like it bc they want their hook and fuel c) they are mimickers and will fake their responses during sex to convince their partner they loved it just as much. The intimacy part is mimickery. They are really good at creating the facade and sex is a physical act some excel at.
      That said i can now see where the intimacy part is faked. The facade doesnt last forever and thats why many discard frequently to get new sources to swindle.

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      1. Hi narc affair

        I will never know the truth about my ex’s past but I know that a good part of his sexual experience came from prostitutes he picked up in places like the streets of San Francisco for a few dollars. Maybe that explains some of what I referred to as “mechanical”. I mean, you’re not going to learn how to please a woman from a junkie who does the deed within a couple of minutes to get her next fix.
        I usually share a lot of my story but not so much of his, that’s because I still value his privacy (like I value everyone’s), even though he’s a bastard and doesn’t deserve it. Anyway, without going into too much detail, I’m fairly certain he was sexually abused as a child, and I think that (along with his narc mother, who was part of the sexual abuse if I’m correct) has contributed to what he became and to how he is when it comes to sex. But yes, everything was definitely fake, and even felt fake at that time but I couldn’t quite figure it out back then. Hindsight. The last time I saw him, he claimed he never gets horny anymore. I didn’t really buy it, but didn’t want to laugh and point because what if it’s true? He’s the oldest guy I’ve ever been with (one year older than me) but that’s because I always end up with younger guys. So I thought “well, maybe for some this starts really early?” hahaha. Anyway, I know now it wasn’t true but that he no longer had a reason to fake things with me and that sex is only interesting to him when it means it can be used to trap someone new.

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    3. HG, of course you would have to disagree with me because you would never in a million years admit that you’re lacking in that (or any other) department 😉

      If everyone else is right and I’m wrong though, maybe my ex isn’t a narcissist but something else? If he’s a narc, he’s definitely not a victim or a cerebral. The sex wasn’t horrible, it was okay. Definitely better in the beginning than towards the end, but nothing to write home about. The best sex I ever had with him was in 2015 when we bumped into that older woman who claimed he had “romped around with her naked”. After a few hours of “just fucking admit it if you did it” and trying to watch him for clues, he grabbed me and that night was probably somewhere around in the top 60-65% of sex I’ve ever had. But hindsight. If he is a narc, I know he did that to ensnare me again and make me stop being suspicious (which didn’t work, takes more than a decent fuck to disable my brain).

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      1. I knew you would write that. And I know that you’ll get lots of likes and I’ll probably get attacked by some of your fans but with all due respect: at the end of the day, you have NPD, so even if you try your best, you’re still not a 100% reliable narrator.

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      2. Hi Anonymous……..in my limited experience of narcs……it’s the length of time they can last or keep going, far surpasses most non narcs……I am talking hours…….it might not necessarily be better (for some people) but it is so different to the norm that it is almost unbelievable……..so much so……like you……if anyone had told me without me experiencing it myself, I would simply not have believed them. They don’t seem to need much sleep……..they question you a lot about it too (although HG prefers them to stay quiet. HUSH) That’s my view on my own limited experience of them……..and I have no reason to lie…..I have resisted posting this detail for some time but the topic keeps being raised….I am not entirely comfortable posting it…….like you, I am hoping I don’t regret it!!! Diva

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      3. Hi Diva

        See, I saw HG say he doesn’t need a lot o sleep, and now you say it too and I’m honestly wondering if my ex maybe isn’t a narc after all. He needs a lot of sleep. Much more than I do. Much more than anyone I’ve ever been with. I used to make fun of him that he has the bedtime of a toddler. I’m extreme though because for years I got up before 5 am just to be able to do cardio and weight training. I never go to bed before midnight. He used to go to bed at 10 pm at the latest, and I was always up before him.

        So maybe I need to go back and research what he really is because I’m pretty unsure right now.

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      4. The requirement for sleep or lack of it will vary dependent on the school of narcissist. Further, it is an indicator in itself and not determinative.

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  12. It is like being on Britains Got Talent with Simon Cowell watching over your “performance” and analysing your every move, sound and response……and even though he can be mean and cruel and you cannot understand why you really like him……..you still find yourself tuning in for more……that’s the best way I can describe it…….without being graphic!!!

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      1. I could have gone much further with that post……I deleted most of it before I posted it (something I do quite a lot)…..HG makes me nervous…..

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      2. Said the spider to the fly……………….hmmmm I must look up that poem now………as that’s the only line I can remember……..but somehow I know its apt!!!!

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      3. How can I put this nicely???? I would sooner swim with a shoal of piranhas…..less painful option!!!!!!

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    1. Diva, I think you’ve touched on a big truth. (This may be covered in “Sex and the Narcissist,” which I confess I haven’t read yet.) It always seemed that what aroused him was not ME — it was my response to what he was doing. He needed fuel before he could even get an erection. (Is that graphic enough for you?) What a pathetic and empty creature!

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      1. Hi RN…..yes that was graphic enough for me and yes I agree with everything that you said about needing fuel beforehand (maybe that’s not the best word to use but you know what I mean!!!!) …….I haven’t read “Sex and the Narcissist” either……I am sure it will be a riveting read……

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      2. RN,
        Wow, I can relate to that with my online narc at times. There were some nights we chatted and he wasn’t flirtatious at all, but he’d pick an argument, and he’d accuse me of doing the shit he was doing. I tried not to get pulled into it because I knew it was a game. When I finally showed that I was upset or hurt, or if I was defending myself against his accusations, he’d suddenly send me a pic of his erection. It wasn’t always that way, but it’s like sometimes he could only get hard from my emotional reactions to him and in those cases, he needed negative fuel.

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  13. Ok ladies and perhaps gents as well, how many times in a relationship that was of a sexual nature have you stared straight into the eyes of a cobra ??? Looking down on you trying to hold your gaze in an uncomfortable death stare ??? That shit has only happened to me with my narc rat bastard and no one else and for some sick martyrdom submissive reason I enjoyed it with nervous laughter and excitement…I also enjoyed the reverse with my ex narc being the dominant doling out punishment the he so rightly deserved … whilst all of that role playing can be fun and benign in a healthy normal relationship…..the death stare ( I want to possess your soul stare ) ??? during a sexual act ??? That should be a dead give away that all isn’t copacetic and HELLO you’re dealing with a soul vampire- the pleasure and the pain ?? The pain always wins :/ ✌🏼
    S

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