Poll – What Was Your Full Horror Moment?
It is often the case, although not always, that there is a Full Horror Moment that occurs when a victim makes a shocking discovery about the narcissist that they are entangled with. More often than not this arises out of the romantic dynamic, but it will also include familial and less so social or work dynamics.
The Full Horror Moment is when you make a discovery about that person which, in essence, tears apart your world. It occurs when you are not physically present with the individual. It might be you make the discovery following escape or dis-engagement, but more often it occurs whilst the relationship is ongoing. You may have had your suspicions and decide to check the ‘phone of this individual only to find that your seemingly heterosexual partner has been subscribing to gay dating sites, arranging hook-ups with same sex partners and engaging in a way of life unbeknownst to you. Alternatively, it might be an instance where you open some post mistakenly only to find that your husband has a huge credit card bill and this puts you on to a trail of other financial car crashes.
Whilst no less horrific, the FHM is not where you have been punched or raped by the narcissist, kicked out of the home by them or such similar interaction. The FHM covers those discoveries which are made without the narcissist being physically present which have you feeling sick, needing to sit down and sending you reeling.
Do expand in the comments on the circumstances of your FHM, how you made the discovery, was it accidental or did you have suspicions? Did you think the problem was something else only to be totally wrong-footed?
Thank you for participating.
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FHM, was when having strung me along for six years ,and future faking about leaving his sick primary source, he told me they were moving in together! She calls him her “lovely man”…
Awhile after the divorce, I was talking to a hooker that I knew (a friend of a friend). She saw his photo at my place. With genuine shock she said “oh I know him, he’s a brothel hopper, he used to come into all the brothels around the place all the time!” O. M. G!! While I was married to him no less!! Clearly plenty of fuel in those places!
And while married and stuggling for money, (aparently), both his father and his brother (on separate occasions), mentioned ‘all the money’ he had. Huh?? What money??? Tens of thousands of dollars. The tHiNg used to get his bank statements sent to his fathers address. Dirty rotten scoundrel!! Pfft!!
Should have cleaned him out in the divorce….but I didnt want the head f**k!!
My full horror was when he threw my out in the middle of the night into a snow storm. It wasn’t the 2 feet of snow, the zero visibility, the sleet and ice mixture still falling, the walk home into dreadful conditions that I feared. I actually was fine with all of that and my friend was able to get me an Uber in that mess which was a miracle. But no no no….that wasn’t the horror.
It was when he was telling me very calmly with a smile on his face that I had to leave as he was shaving in the mirror. When he turned to look over at me…..his eyes were black !!! No shit. Black and for the first time I could see into his soul. That was also black. It was the scariest moment of my life. My legs buckled underneath memi ran out of the house my heart pounding out of my chest. The best way to describe it to another is….suppose you were with someone close to you and suddenly and unexpectedly it came to light while you were in their presence that they were a serial killer. That is what it felt like. Fear as I have never felt before.
OMG!!! You win The prize for the most horrific moment! You poor thing, I would’ve had a heart attack.
I had a moment like this. Only I completely misinterpreted it. And because I had already been in so many life and death situations in my life, confronted deep fear and terror, I just went right into my old coping modes. But I was looking into a face the last time I ever saw him, into such utter hatred and darkness. But he kept switching on me and sometimes, he looked like the most terrified, frightened and lonely boy in the world. I had no idea that all this was in him so I went into shock, a shock that lasted for a very long time and he was also able to exploit as I struggled with what and how he really was…. He is all of them I conclude, but anyone with someone that dark in them, that black, that’s the only part of him that I need to remember. The reast is irrelevant as that darkness will consume and destroy everything. That little boy is gone forever and beyone reach. Now, when I look back at that moment and I see how terrified I was, I wonder why I tried to be so brave in that moment? Why that cold, steely cold, that shot through me didn’t tell what I really needed to know and do. I guess, it’s so inhuman, the human mind has to grasp to explain it as it is so out or normal. That was the true definittion of hatred. Monster, devil level hatred.
My FHM was when I found out that my Grand N/SP girlfriend of 18 months left me to become a prostitute and i had to continue being pummelled by email and text even though I was in NC mode…oh yes and the death threats and Order of Protection…Nothing to prepare you for that, but it made for a great album,a book in the works and a screenplay being written. It also destroyed me…hence the song H.G.
Dr HQ, I love how you worded that comment. Everything they say is a lie.Everything is a one sided conversation. It is boring! Its shallow, and it’s empty. Also, as you say… useless. Once you see the truth, that there is no human emotionally type feeding of the soul and heart, it gets very dull very quickly:)
Star,
It’s totally true though. I actually believed he was part of my identity – I mean the whole scenerio has been basically a part of me since I was 14.
I out grew him a long long time ago. I’m on to bigger and better things….lol!
Dr HQ, you know, what I really like about you is that you are very REAL. You are obviously very intelligent and know your stuff as a psychologist, but you are also not afraid to admit to very humanistic feelings and insecurities etc that you have had in past and present. I am sure these very empathetic and honest traits you have shine through brightly with all your clients . It takes a very strong person to be real about who they are:)
Star,
That is such a huge compliment and what you said means a lot to me. It’s funny because I am in many ways an outlier among those in my field. I know this sounds weird but it can be difficult at times for me to fit in with other psychologists because I’m not very conventional.
I realize I don’t fit in. I am okay with that. The energy it takes to go against however I am feeling and who I am is just not worth the daily struggle. Why would I want to be like everyone else? Not everyone will like me and I find that most won’t understand me – but there are some who do. Those people (the ones that understand me and accept me) are the ones that matter.
All I want is just to be able to be me. I have strengths and weaknesses… i compensate for my weaknesses using my strengths. I am human and I fuck up – shit I fuck up a lot lol.
I try to allow people to be themselves and not tell them how to live their life. I want people to be able to be authentic with me because that is how people evolve and reach their potential.
Thank you again for that compliment. You really are a kind, empathetic, and perceptive person😁
https://youtu.be/o0neRQzudzw
I hear the words, the thoughts, the feeling tones, the personal meaning, even the meaning that is below the conscious intent of the speaker. Sometimes too, in a message which superficially is not very important, I hear a deep human cry that lies buried and unknown far below the surface of the person.
So I have learned to ask myself, can I hear the sounds and sense the shape of this other person’s inner world? Can I resonate to what he is saying so deeply that I sense the meanings he is afraid of, yet would like to communicate, as well as those he knows?
— Carl Rogers
Star,
There is no point of having someone in your life that serves no purpose or function.
Functions take many forms…..
If you don’t gain in any which way from a relationship that is not a friend that is a parasite.
I don’t have time for parasites. I have dealt with so many my entire life and it took up until recently to not associate with anyone who just takes.
I have a lot to bring to the table friendship wise and relationship wise so if the other person offers nothing they are cut. They are discarded.
That doesn’t mean I don’t go out of my way and help people in need anymore. I still do. I assess if they are doing anything to help themselves or if they wanna leech off of me. If someone does nothing to help themselves then I am not interested in giving them my all. I mean sure I’ll talk to them and assist here and there in smaller ways but I sure as sht won’t go out of my way.
My biggest moment was after 3 years of knowing him I discovered that he had a 20 year old child who he abandoned when he was 2. When I asked why he hadn’t wanted contact he said ” I didn’t want him in the first place.Its her fault for not getting another abortion.” And so cold like In the way he said it.That was my cue to figure out how to safely get out of the situation .
Hi, I am (or was) DontMentionTheWar, but WordPress did not let me choose that name for a Gravatar account 🙂
My not abstract full horror moments (when I was feeling very bad) were when I was on my way back from the doctor who had confirmed that I am pregnant and got a message from “him” via SMS that only said “I thought about it. We can not have the baby. I don´t want it.” The last months before that moment he was so happy about that I also wanted a child with him. He initialised that all, and I felt happy and thought, oh wow someone wants really to be together with me forever.
That was the moment with him.
With my mom it was when I was told by members of my family and also other people what I have done allegedly. She told so many lies about me to make herself look better, and I didn´t know it. When I tried to talk with her – it is unbelievable that she isn´t ashamed of anything. She lied then to me and said nothing was true what the others said. Oh man.
But I think that what made me feel bad into my innermost was the moment when I realised that I didn´t notice at all for so many years when people were mean to me and meant things in a mean way to hurt me. I didn´t identify it as mean or bad. I couldn´t. I thought that is normal. When I made a conversation psychotherapy I learned to differentiate. And I remember when the psychologist said explicitely “that was spiteful or evil of your mother.” It was good for me. I´m glad I made that therapy.
That was one of my favorite Madonna songs that I would play during my break up with the lesser. Great song Dr. HQ. Brings back memories. I owe my world to HG, because if it wasn’t for him, I would have lost my sanity, and more then two years of my life with that violent empty soul. If anyone would like to find out information, in regards to what kind of empath they are, or school of narcissist they are entangled with, I suggest you make a consultation with HG Tudor.
Thanks & praise to, HG Tudor
Thank you No 1, I ma pleased you find the consultations useful.
HG1Fan,
When I was a little nugget I was a hardcore Madonna fan lol! I actually played that song when I had my very first psychopath encounter that actually changed the rest of my life when I was 14.
I’m glad you are opening up more because you seem like an interesting person. I have learned a lot from HG as well as other bloggers. You can learn and get support from others who have been through similar scenerios. I mean shit, I dated a mid-ranger for 4 years (5 if you count when we were messing around) and he was banging men behind my back – on big dick sites and shit. I mean that’s the light stuff. He was an emotionally abusive, financially abusive, and sexually abusive person.
I used to be a very sexually driven person (a tease) and now it’s like I learned a very important lesson after being covertly sexually abused for years. I don’t even come off the same way as I did before I met him. I was all about showing off my body and being overly sexual (even though I never followed through lol) even though I wanted to be valued for my brain and personality lol – confusing I know- but I learned when I was younger from my first psychopath how to get male attention and manipulate men … but now at 30 I’ve finally changed because I have to and because we evolve.
You will get through this hard time …. use this support group to find different perspectives and look at pieces of yourself. It has allowed me to reflect on many aspects of myself as well. You have support here … because here people understand.
Dr Q
I love how you refer to this blog as a support group. I think of it that way as well. I hope it doesn’t annoy HG, how it seems to have evolved that way. After all it would just be one of those crappy other websites you all have described if it werent for his influence and control. It is his unique approach, insightful articles and understanding that makes this blog so beneficial to all us hairy little empaths! 😄
Windstorm,
I consider it a support group. It’s much more than that. HG’s blog serves multiple functions. The ironic part about all this is that the best and most supportive blog on narcissism and psychopathy happens to be run by a narcissistic psychopath lol!
I always have to be the best.
Well, you are.
HG,
Well… you are. You will be a huge leader in the field. It is only a matter of time.
HG1fan,
I am a super empath … that is probably every damn type of dirty empath the more I read lmao.
All of your pictures are beautiful but I have to say this one right now is the best. 😁😜
HG#1F
I am glad you found HG. I can imagine what you went through. I was marrried to a lessor once, and he took me to hell. That was a longtime ago.
Unfortunately for me, I’ve been entwined with two…..and never had any idea of what a narcissist was or that they even existed….so a perfect victim. It’s only with hiensight and space to think and breathe after escaping the last one…..that I started to put the pieces together….once I had the space to read and learn.
I suppose the first signs of narcissism with my second, most dangerous narcissist was when he used to sit and stare at the tv on silent and would ignore me for days. I honestly thought he had PTSD from being in Afghanistan, I got him some help from a CPN, but sent them away, saying it was me with the problem, not him.
That’s when the devaluation really started. If I’d have had insight in the beginning, I’d have realised that the £700 phone bill I paid off for him (1 months phone bill caused by ringing sex lines), would have been an easy sign to pick up on, but I didn’t, I was very naive.
My first horror moment was living together losing my job due to his fights…him telling me to preform certain sex acts…or i would be homeless. He knew I had no where to go.
She told me about a past relationship of hers that began when she was underage, with a much older man. When I enquired where were her family, friends at that time she said they helped to enable the relationship. Disturbing, not least the thought of her designing to exploit this man, as a precocious experiment that led to a lifestyle. Thereby violating that rule of social conduct which makes relations between adults and children transgressive, but ironically as the child.
There had been many others before this, that I chose to not react to. We had switched vehicles and I happened to check the glove box to see “his” new car was registered to a woman I didn’t know. I searched her on Facebook and found her to be somewhat attractive and knew they were involved . After he returned my car I hacked his emails (he used the same password for everything)and saw they were in some sort of relationship and she had consigned for his apt, gave him 15k and paid a lot of his bills.
I confronted him via email and warned her as well. Of course, I was labeled as “obsessed” and “crazy”
Had my suspicion’s for a long time but couldn’t face the reality of it all until it finally got the better of me so I played detective and checked his phone… yep there it was.. txting another woman only half an hour ago after he swore his undying love for me.. WTF.. I was floored, couldn’t breathe, I think I actually went in to shock 🙁 I look back at it all now and thank God I’m out of the whole horror story!!
I called his sister in-in-law after the grand finale discard and hoovers and she told me his ex wife felt sorry for me (they were married for 20 years!) and that he abused his own brother (they had been business partners). She also told me that the ex wife thought he was bipolar and the sister-in-law thought he had a split personality. I told her I thought he had NPD. She researched it after our conversation and told me “I hit the nail on the head”. I was so lucky to get that kind of validation. One day I hope I can give his current IPPS the validation that she will so desperately need. She will not have access to the kind of validation that I had because he is keeping her away from all of us with his lies and smear campaign. I feel so sorry for his IPPS – she’s in danger!
When he acquired a car and took my girls out of town without telling me. I just couldn’t take any more, the fear and pain crippled me. It was far worse than the walking out, waiting 24 hrs to hear about the affair and 4 months of total silence before he asked to see the girls. He left a week before my 40th. We’d been together since 18. Fifteen years of marriage, had moved into the house less than 2 months earlier. We had no heating or electric upstairs and the bath leaked through the kitchen ceiling. We had sex on Saturday, he left on Monday. I had no idea what was coming.
Then the games began. Contacted by debt companies, refused to pay maintenance, left girls waiting on street and not showing up. Promised them things and not delivered. Secured loan against the house, on and on it went! 8 years free, this year. No contact 11months. He always got to me through my girls but I refuse to play now.
My FHM was the discovery of a vast amount of porn, hookers, and online hook ups. Because I, at least, had been living in a sexless marriage for 12 years by then. He told me we didn’t have sex anymore because of the medications he was on. He said he couldn’t. I felt like I should be loyal to him still because it wasn’t his fault. But god what a fool I was. He had been having quite a rich sex life all along. It sent me to the psych ward & began my journey of discovery. I had never heard of narcissism like this. I had no idea of the abuse I was getting. So I guess I’m grateful for it.
I have to admit I am grieving over the mind blowing sex…
when I thing if the manipulation and games, I get pissed and then I don’t miss the sex anymore… it wasn’t real!!!
First time was catching him in a lie about where he was, I had dropped off dinner to his apartment for him for after work and decided to stay and surprise him. He texted me play by play telling me he was heating it up and eating it in bed bc he was so exhausted, and I was sitting there alone in his kitchen.
That was so minor after all was said and done, the cheating the porn addiction the lie upon lie upon lie…but that one lie lead to me opening my eyes and finding all the rest because suddenly it made me realize that nothing he was telling me made any sense.
What is with narcs and porn? I’m really curious..
I found out mine would watch porn every morning… and would please himself multiple times a day and night… even while I laid in bed next to him and he thought I was sleeping.
I don’t know, maybe HG can shed some light on the topic bc it sure seems like a common thread
Read Porn Supemacy and also Sex and the Narcissist
That’s all he ever talked about too. I would ask him how he got to be so skilled in the bedroom and he would say “all the years of watching porn.” He said he could count the number of women he had had sex with on two hands. LOL! He got that good from experience! He also told me that he USED to be on a dating site. When I said “but you’re married”, he gave some answer to appease me. He was always sending me videos of himself masturbating. Most of the time when we had sex I felt like I was in a porn flick. 3/4th’s of the time he was videoing us. God only knows where those are floating around now. He said they were only for him to watch but they lie. It’s who they are and what they do. They’re all a bunch of pervs!
They usually have multiple addictions.
one day something will hit you…and you will realize it doesn’t matter anymore.
all you need to know in the end is that it was all a lie…
sometimes what you don’t know can’t hurt you
Exactly!
RS,
What’s funny is how I had applied what I wrote above to my ex but not my first psychopath…
Now, I apply it to both. My first psychopath decided to return once again and I find more and more that I have no use for him.
Everything that he says is a lie. He constantly is changing stories and thinks that I don’t notice – when I do but I don’t say anything because he will just continue lying. I think I was always trying to find answers with him when I know all the answers – well most of them.
Either way it doesn’t matter …. he will never give me what I want. I see that he can’t. He never discloses anything about himself and quite honestly that is boring. It’s like a one way conversation. I’ll never know him just like he will never know me. He is so afraid of intimacy it’s actually kind of mind blowing – to the point he can’t be real about almost anything.
That makes him useless…
So I have all my answers…..
He is a lie and will continue to be a lie…
It’s what they do and who they are. The last time I saw him I had found out what he was. I didn’t let him know this at first. This time, unlike the 6 other times, when I heard him speak and lie – one in the same – it was almost comical. Like seeing a little kid say “I didn’t eat that cake”, while they had frosting on their face. This blog is the best. So many useful but sad stories to help us all get through it and help heal the emotional scars.
I think I am almost there
Ng27.. the first lie from them, whether trivial or not, is the impetus for me to have my antennae up, and generally that lie coupled with very good intuition that something feels like it doesnt add up, is usually exactly that.. a bunch of many more lies and deceit forthcoming from them..in fact when i look back (and it has only been 2 months since i had had enough of the deceit and lies and cheating) every scenario hr made excuses for was probably a 99 percent chace lie..eg he wld use ‘i have to work late’ or ‘am working tonight’ on Christmas eve, Christmas day, NYE and Valentines day lol.. just shows how far down the list of women I was after his 2 simultaneous gfs who he still has going on…