Jettison
There comes a time when this must happen to everybody who has been ensnared by us. There is no hope for anything different. In the way that the world keeps on turning and the planets waltz around the sun, we will always cast you to one side. Of the many cruelties which we exact against you, this ranks as one of the worst. You might think that it is a blessing that the daily machinations and manipulations have ended but you will not see it that way when you are dis-engaged from. Indeed, you may not ever realise it.
You are given no warning that you are about to be dis-engaged, although if you know to look for them, there are actually signs that point to what is about to happen. Invariably you are unable to see them because you cannot see or think clearly for the maelstrom that continues to rage around you. There are times when the dis-engagement takes place that it is almost as if we have vanished into thin air. Yesterday we met you for lunch as normal and today you have no idea where we are. You have telephoned but our number is no longer in service. You call our work but you are told that we are unavailable as our assigned gatekeeper keeps you at bay. You wait around trying to catch a glimpse of us in order to speak with us and find out what is going on. You see hide nor hair of us and rather than be angry you are worried and concerned both for us and our relationship, or at least what was once our relationship. This form of the dis-engagement is swift and brutal. Here yesterday and gone today. We put in place a ring of steel which we will not allow you to penetrate. When this form of dis–engagement has been effected you are actually receiving a double whammy of discard and an absent silent treatment. This is designed to reinforce like a hammer blow that you are no longer of any use to us. We do not want to see you, we do not want to hear from you and we do not want to read your e-mails, messages and texts. At least not yet. This form of dis-engagement arises because we have already replaced you. We have found a new primary source of fuel and he or she is a thousand times better than you. We have brought down the shutters, raised the drawbridge and built our castle walls thick and high as we now sit in the throne room with our new, wonderful and perfect primary source by our side. You have been struck from the record, deleted and erased.
We do not want you distracting us from this most precious person that we have found. The truth is that the memory of us being linked to you irritates and infuriates us. We thought that you were the one who would supply us with positive fuel always. Despite the other failures that had gone before you, you showed such promise and we gave you everything in order to seduce you. Now you are placed on the appliance pile, rejected and broken, of no current use to us. You let us down and we bristle at the thought that we even considered you might be of use to us. Your failure and the fact we chose you means that we feel criticised and the ignition of our fury results in a cold fury that creates this icy hinterland that we place between you and us. We want nothing more to do with you.
Until we decide of course it is time to hoover you.
This sudden and unexplained cessation of the relationship is only temporary. We will look to reinstate it at some point in order to extract hoover fuel from you, but you do not know this. All you know is that we were once there and no we are no longer and it hurts. Your soul has been wrenched from within you. It does not matter how badly we hurt you, you still wanted that golden period and our sudden departure has denied that from ever happening again, or at least that is what you are led to believe. Your pain is absolute, combined with the confusion and bewilderment.
Another way in which we cast you to one side is akin to being repeatedly dunked in a barrel of icy water. Each time your dunking lasts a little longer and you fear you cannot hold your breath any longer and this time this is it, you are on your way out, only for us to haul you out and that sweet and precious air fills your lungs, if only for an instance before you are thrust back into the water. During that interlude, as the water cleared from your eyes and you gulped great lungfuls of air you saw someone else stood by our side, watching you with a look of curiosity on their face. This is your replacement but we have not yet decided that they are to replace you as we are giving you the chance to prove yourself and provide some further fuel before we push you away and leave you spluttering and gasping on the ground beside the barrel. We never finish you off. That would be pointless.
We always need to come back, not that you will realise that as you lie panting and shaking on the ground, cold and soaked, watching as we stroll away, our arm around the new prospect. This steady and controlled discard takes place as we lose interest in you but we have no desire to make our departure sudden and swift. We want to hedge our bets as we firm up our arrangements with your replacement, fine-tuning that seduction as we continue to extract fuel from you through this dunking. We push and pull, toying with your emotions.
This is not part of the devaluation even though we exhibit a similar behaviour during that time when we denigrate you and then grant respite. No, this is different. When this is undertaken in an accelerated fashion then you know that it is a form of dis-engagement. We may give you a week of hell and then several weeks of the golden period before hell again. That is the push and pull of devaluation. When this technique is applied as discard it is disorientating as one day is fine and the next is not and then fine again. You feel like you are being figuratively bludgeoned and as you try and get your bearings you stagger across the boxing ring away from us only to meet another opponent who continues the beating and then sends you on your way to the next one.
These are just two forms of the way we will dis-engagement you. Why do we do it? As ever it is all about fuel. With the first it is because we have new and brilliant fuel and no longer wish to be reminded about your faltering and weak fuel. In the second we have not yet confirmed that the new source is as potent as we require and in the meanwhile we decide to continue to extract further fuel from you as your severance from us takes place in typical salami-slicing fashion. In every entanglement with our kind you will eventually be dis-engaged. You won’t see it coming but it is always in the post, coming along the highway, wending its way towards you.
Don’t be too concerned though. No dis-engagement is for ever. We always come back for more.
24 thoughts on “Jettison”
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everytime i think it’s done, or i get an empowered perspective where i’m no longer triggered by internalised abuse, someone has to write to me to tell me he’s God. literally.
“…if you know to look for them, there are actually signs that point to what is about to happen. Invariably you are unable to see them because you cannot see or think clearly…”
How true! Hindsight is a wonderful and terrible thing. Now I can see clearly all the signs that were there during a year and a half of devaluation. Yet the final disengagement seemed to come out of nowhere. It’s hard to believe I was so deeply in denial for so long.
HG
Why don’t you realize that you are just going around in circles? Why does this not bore you?
Is your lack of “object constancy” make it possible for you to simply shut out the previous person?
If so, why do you need that ring of steel to bind out the previous person? Does their essence, or perfume or the scent of their hair conditioner.ever start to bleed through to mingle in and perhaps interfere with,. Your new conquest?
Do any bits and pieces ever stay down there with The Beast? Doesn’t he ever object, in a strangled fashion, to make his ephemeral misty substance seep up through that ring of steel? Does he not attempt to breathe, to gasp at the air available before that ring locks in place? Does her perfume not give The Beast an extra molecule of buoyancy with which he can increase his girth thereby pushing against your force of strangulation? I need you to become extremely aware of The Voice of the Beast. I. Need you to listen very carefully, to what he strains to say… Is he not begging you to join forces with him? Just think how much more powerful you both would be, working together.. .
Sincerely Pam B
That’s exactly it! For me, every time the dunking lasts a bit longer but never long enough to finish me off. He just knows when I’m at my limit and he’s back again being all charming and wonderful. But each time the respite gets shorter. It’s almost not worth it anymore. But once again he must know that so I foresee him doing something more drastic next time.
Talking about knowing, he always “knows”, always has, even if I’m doing or saying things that contradict my actual hidden emotions or thoughts. HG, would you agree that you always “know” your intimate sources’ true emotions and thoughts, even when absent (so it’s not body language)? Or am I giving narcs too much credit?
Wish he’d just stop coming back. Need to arm myself with narc-repellent or cloak of invisibility.
That’s my problem, he knows me inside out, he knows what I’m truly thinking/feeling no matter how much I might say the opposite x
Glad it’s not just me, Lisa. Have you known each other a long time?
After two years, I realized Malcolm will always come back. I told him he was human form of herpes and that he’d always come back. That was the first time he cussed at me and told me “fuck you!” HA ha ha. After another year I discovered NPD. I took him back. Now it’s year 4, and since this site, I will never take my herpes back. Thanks for the cure, HG.
You are welcome Melody.
My narc was priming new supply for months before he discarded me. He filed for divorce and moved in with her within weeks. Divorce is not even close to being final. He despises me even tho I did nothing but cater to his every whim and desire. Now he seeks custody of the children he abandoned and never once cared about. He wrote terrible lies about me in his reasons for seeking custody. He says he and new supply can offer a more nurturing, caring environment. He says I am crazy, a drunk, and a whore. He takes his new supply and her children to all the same locations he took me and our children, knowing I will see this in our divorce discovery disclosures. He is purposely trying to hurt me in the most vicious of ways. And thru it all, I remain NC. I want to lash out, tell him what a failure he his and that I am not afraid of his lies and threats. But I say nothing. After all of his attempts to hurt me, I do not expect any type of hoover from him when this is done. He knows he will never be forgiven for this torture.
Be concerned. Be very concerned.
Last Sunday would have been our four year anniversary and it was also three months since my escape. I was worried that there’d be a hoover but that was mostly paranoia because now that my paranoia is gone and my objectivity is back, I know it’s waaay too soon for him to even dare a hoover. I assume I’m safe until at least Christmas or my birthday (January). Or maybe he’ll write when his father dies, or when he decides to lie about his father having died. Although I’m still convinced he’s too “scared” to ever get in touch with me again.
On the basis he has a new IPPS and you are staying out of his way, I agree that it is too early for a hoover. The only circumstances where that might alter would be a malice campaign from a Greater but that would have started by now.
Christmas and your birthday will generate Hoover Triggers, but if he is still in the golden period you will probably be left alone.
I don’t know if he has a new IPPS. I could probably find out but stop myself from digging too much. I know about one woman but I don’t think she has what it takes to become his IPPS (looks, career, intelligence). I think she’s simply one of the women he got off Tinder and uses whilst he’s looking for something better.
This might be naive but I don’t think he hates me enough for a malice campaign. Or rather, he’s too much of a coward because he knows that I’m fairly nice to people I care about, but if people step on my tail I become vicious. I have no doubt he talks shit about me to his family. Wouldn’t surprise me if in his version of the story I was the one who cheated and lied. His mother yelled at me on the phone so that speaks for this theory. To others he will simply not even mention that I exist.
I have threatened him with various things when I escaped (“I will write a book about you”, “let’s see if I can compare stories about you with your father-in-law”, “watch your fucking back, you piece of shit”, etc.). I haven’t done any of that, I only exposed him to a few women – but he probably still thinks I might end up doing something, so he steers clear. Maybe he’ll hoover in about ten years when he thinks I’m old enough to be desperate and have forgotten what a useless bastard he is.
Is there any time period on this disengagement? If patterns repeat within the school of narcissists, would that narcissist stay with each person the same amount of time before they become disinterested completely or is it totally about how long the person is willing to give the fuel necessary to stay a primary source? Does having a child with a primary source make any difference, since that may be added fuel?
There is no set pattern. It all depends on whether there is an event which will lead to disengagement. See the article about why we disengage.
A child will be used for fuel and for triangulation but the child will not be a reason to stave off disengagement.
HG, I saw this comment you made and wanted to ask you a question. You said a child would not stave off disengagement. The narc I was involved with as a secondary source said that he and his IPPS were about to go their separate ways when she got pregnant and they stayed “together” for the child. It sounded like in this case a child did stave off disengagement. Could you please shed some light? Thanks so much!
That was the excuse used.
Sorry, HG, by “the excuse used,” do you mean he was not really planning to disengage anyway?
No, I mean he will have said that as the excuse.
Sorry, HG! Still not getting it. The excuse for what? Why did he need an excuse? Apologies for being so thick-headed!
An excuse to evade accountability and give it the ring of authenticity.
Thanks so much for clarifying, HG! Really appreciate it!
You are welcome.
This is so true however he has only come back once … in real flesh and blood… the rest of the year it’s been via email and chat. So confusing and terrible. It’s been like a absent “silent treatment” while hoovering … only replying to nice things… faking and gaining fuel. I wound him represent since he don’t deliver any of his promises. NC … in my part but light Hoover one recently. He has not blocked me … he have the lines of communication open and don’t delete me from the chat.. So I guess he will be back for more.
Don’t worry he is blocked on my part … but the CD is horrible and even that he is not in contact he drains all my energy from me… it’s like he knows how I feel and gain fuel even that he is absent!
Does it make sense? I have the feeling that his golden period might not be so golden … and his finances are finally catching up with him.
I’m lost and will book a consultation with HG soon….
I also need to cleanse my mind and house … because it feels like he is invading my house (he has not even been here.. to my knowledge at least).
Did any of you experience the same thing? Like they are present and a weird feeling that something is going on? I feel like he has passed by my house, like he is thinking of me and that he is not doing well at all?!
So strange …
I do know about ever presens but this is different… a very strong feeling he is draining me..
Oh well 😔Friday night and I should be happy I’m in NC right?