The Expanded Narcissistic Truths – No. 6
You want to be someone to my kind and me.
That will not happen.
You are a something to us, not a someone.
I do not relate to you. Why should I? I regard myself as superior, elevated and special. The petty concerns which govern your life do not apply to me. I do not do accountability. Certainly I have some understanding of what it means to be you, after all I have listened to you tell me so many times about how you feel and I have watched you and others like you so often. I do not feel it however. I cannot put myself in your shoes. I do not want to and even if I did, I am unable to do so because I neither have that emotional empathy or the even stronger emotional contagion that you experience.
Yes, I can see the differences between you and her, him and them. I can see the contrasts in height, body shape, she has green eyes and you have blue eyes, he has no hair and he has dreadlocks. I recognise physical attractiveness, I see the different clothes that you wear, the variances in shoes worn, jewellery displayed and such like. I notice all of that but that does not make you more of a person to me. It is merely the distinction between a washing machine that is white and one which is silver.
Take my television which is placed at the far end of the main sitting room. It is a Samsung Curved SUHD HDR Dot Smart TV 78″ television that I primarily watch sport on. It provides me with a picture which is in pinsharp crikey vision with a scintillating array of colours. The sound is impressive and it looks sleek and attractive. It delivers an outstanding display and therefore delivers what I require of it.
Take you as my primary source. I can see that you stand 5ft 9″ in height, you are slender, with pale skin and long brown hair to the small of your back, which becomes slightly wavy towards the end. Your face is oval. Your eyes are green. You look sleek and attractive. You are an outstanding display of physical attractiveness. I know all this but your primary purpose is to provide me with positive fuel and you do so impressively. You therefore deliver that which I require of you.
You are no different to my television. You are there to provide a function. You are to deliver in accordance with the Prime Aims, which are the provision of fuel, character traits and residual benefits. If you do and you do so in a fulsome manner, you are a high functioning appliance. If you do not, you are a malfunctioning one.
You and the television are there to do things for me, because I am entitled to that.
I press your buttons by seducing you or later provoking you and you must churn out fuel for me. You at the time of the golden period are my favourite appliance. I have many appliances, other objects which spew out fuel in varying quantities and differing potencies. I have connected all of these appliances to me because again my objectification of you is also linked to the need to exert control. If I want to eat some toast, I place two slices of bread in my Alessi toaster and press the lever down, adjust the relevant control to govern the degree of toasting required and a minute or two later I have two perfectly toasted slices. It works each and every time. I control it. It does what i want. It does not refuse to toast my bread, it does not only toast one side, it does not fire the bread back at me or instead produce a different outcome altogether by presenting me with a leg of lamb. I expect you to be equally compliant and effective. I do not understand why you should not be. You are there to do what I want, I am entitled to receive the Prime Aims and since I installed you as my primary source, you should be delivering them repeatedly, consistently and without interruption. I am not interested in the vagaries of your life which impacts upon your ability to function because of my sense of entitlement, my notion of superiority and of course my incessant needs and demands.
Objects are far easier to control. They are installed, powered and they function. If they stop functioning then they are thrown away and they are replaced. Accordingly, when you stop delivering in accordance with the Prime Aims you suffer the same fate. I do not have time to repair you, you are put to one side and a better, shinier, more effective model takes your place. How did I ever manage without it? Why did I put up with you as a faltering appliance for so long?
You may look at your replacement and wonder why on earth that appliance has been chosen over you. It might be because you gave everything you could to us. It might be because you can see that you are more capable, more interesting, more intelligent and better looking than your replacement. Perhaps you are, perhaps those distinguishing features are there, but you were not delivering in accordance with the Prime Aims and your replacement is doing so which means that they are infinitely superior to you. You are dispensable. Ally the fact that we see you and others as objects with our necessity for performance, our lack of remorse and conscience and you can understand (or maybe begin to understand) why we find it so easy to dis-engage with you and place you on the scrap heap and choose another appliance with such ease.
If you end a relationship, you may be concerned to ensure that the other person is not too devastated, that they are doing okay because even though you may not want to be in a Formal Relationship longer you largely still care about the well-being of another human being. To us that is pointless. Why use your energy dealing with something that is ineffective? That is a waste of time.
Your objectification makes it far easier for us to function. By regarding you as just another object which is there to perform for us, that is to be controlled by us and can be readily replaced when we deem it necessary, we achieve our aims far more readily. Performance and control are key and this is what objects do. Whether it is an ornament which looks beautiful and we can place where we want, to a motor vehicle which delivers us from A to B or a dishwasher which provides us with clean and streak free shining glasses, we control them all and they perform.
This objectification extends into how we regard different objects. For example, when you are seduced and embedded as the intimate partner primary source, you are our most prized possession. You are the one which will give us the necessary positive fuel each and every day in large amounts and with considerable potency. This means you will be looked after, you will be treated well, you will be paraded and shown off, like some prize piece of art or an expensive necklace. You will be placed carefully on that pedestal, polished, cleaned and maintained.
The tertiary source which works in the garage where we fill up with petrol every week is like an old teddy bear. We always say hello and receive a pleasant dollop of positive fuel as we feign interest in this person’s humdrum life. We have known this person for years and like that teddy bear, we see no need to throw them away, not yet, but nor do we regard there as being any necessity for maintenance. Accordingly, the corresponding teddy bear has a eye missing, some stuffing is spilling from inside and the fur has faded.
In the same way that one is careful with a delicate and expensive mirror, we will treat our appliances in the same way. Some can be kicked to one side, scuffed and stained, like a pair of old trainers, others are handled with care until we decide otherwise. Our appliances in our fuel network are regarded and handled in differing ways.
The trophy appliances, the primary source in the golden period or the longstanding inner circle successful friends who are non-intimate secondary sources, are displayed and shown off regularly. The much maligned familial non-intimate secondary source, a scapegoated sibling or child, is the hideous jumper that is only ever worn when it really has to be done and is otherwise derided and ridiculed. Our Lieutenants are our tools, the devices which we depend on to do our bidding as they are deployed to achieve our aims.
Our objectification of you is necessary for the purposes of maintaining control and achieving the Prime Aims. This objectification is achieved because of our lack of empathy. I no sooner can relate to how an iMac feels as to how you feel. I have no concern about whether my Mont Blanc pen feels. It is there to perform. I have a vested interest in you feeling for the purposes of providing fuel, but I am not concerned as to how you feel because I cannot empathise with you.
This objectification manifests not just in how we parade you as a trophy, devalue you without any concern for the impact on you and then how we dis-engage and replace you, but also in the way we interact with you. The use of pet names Pet is a way of dehumanising you. We refer to you as her, she, he and him, rather than your actual name, stripping you of identity (see It for an extreme method of doing so). We reject the legitimacy of your needs and desires by placing ours first. A fridge freezer has no aspirations, no life plan or goals and we reject their applicability to you also. This objectification appears in how we interact with you, especially during devaluation
“Just do it.”
“Do what I want.”
“Get on with it.”
“Stop disobeying me.”
“You will do it or else.”
There is no asking, no politeness, no consideration given. We do not ask the washing machine if it wouldn’t mind washing our clothes so why would we ask you if you wouldn’t mind doing something for us?
You and everybody else, from our parents to our friends, to our colleagues to our children are all objects which are expected to do our bidding. Perform and we will keep you. Fail and you are replaced.
Now, why is there a flashing light on your forehead?
39 thoughts on “The Expanded Narcissistic Truths – No. 6”
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The problem with a lack of caring at a basic-banal level (basic = primary drives; banal = lack of reflexivity), is that it keeps you plugged into that matrix, it doesn’t transcend it. You could try not caring at a higher level which would free you up from being concerned with the petty forms of power that comprise your construct. I don’t care, for example, about my parents and their issues – i care about the effects that are imprinted on me and what i can do about it. Which is a process.
So, what do you do to make your washing machine cry?
I just tried that objectification with a customer of mine, it takes some stress out of dealing with her … interesting.
Imagining never having any of the stress, turmoil, feelings of obligation, guilt, no impact of conflicts … No wonder.
Thanks for this, and everything else. As always, good stuff. Serious question for you. Since you and all narcissists need fuel (believe you need fuel per your worldview), what do you think would happen if all fuel was removed. Like, you go somewhere completely out of your element, out of your “box”, and weren’t able to use your toolkit to extract fuel. Example: you take a month long trip to a rural village in Senegal where no one speaks English. And everything is brand new, really everything. You can’t even rely on electricity or running water. But you’re able to communicate nonverbally enough to get by. Or a silent 10-day retreat? Worldview imploded. Super curious about your thoughts, HG.
Interestingly there are occasions where I am in places where no language is spoken which I speak. Of course I have associates who speak my languages and there will be a translator, but even then fuel is obtained because of body language, facial expression, tone of voice, look in the eyes, gestures etc so even though I may not understand what is being said, fuel is still obtained. Thus given your example concerning Senegal fuel would be lower than usual but not at a point whereby it would create a fuel crisis. Indeed, punching somebody would cause a reaction which is clearly hurt or anger regardless of language, or gifting something to somebody so they smile, or taking them to bed so they cry out in delight, thus whilst the fuel might not be at its highest levels there would be no fuel crisis. If I was to be fully isolated from all sources of fuel (in person or through technology) then that would cause a fuel crisis and is something which will be the subject of the isolation project which was mentioned recently.
Know why a Narc cannot Toast bread? He cannnot stick his fat head in the slot to pull them out.
Why would you use your head to extract toast and not your hands?
😆
Doesn’t preclude them from trying I guess. Slot it in wherever they can.
The first time my narc and I had sex he said immediatly afterwards your too big!! I automatically assumed he was talking about my body size or weight because we had sex in a position of me sitting on him I dint say anything but I was very hurt it was close to six months later before I realized he was referring to the size of my private parts because one day he blurted out that I should look into seeing if there’s anything I can do to make my vagina smaller I’m still confused by why he made the comment the first time when we were still in the golden period the second time he said it I recognize the devaluation was starting can u she’d some light on this obviously it hurts but I’m confused as to why he said it during the golden period
Testing you to see what your reaction would be so he could gauge fuel provision and the extent of control.
HG, I have just now read this comment and wanted to ask what the appropriate/ desired response would have been under these circumstances? I was told “you are too tight” and I said nothing. Just dismissed it. How would have my reaction been viewed by the narc? Thank you!
Confirmation that he was correct, but irritated there was no fuel provided. Your consent through silence to being tight would be used against you at a later time.
I can remember growing up how much it irritated me all the times narcs would say, “You didn’t say anything, silence gives consent!” I always thought that was stupid, especially since a lot of times I decided they must have only thought the question- never asked it out loud. It did teach me to always stay on guard, pay attention and speak up when I disagreed.
He must have read ‘A Man For All Season’.
Ha, ha, HG! Just read the synopsis. That’s just the sort of book my father and exhusband would enjoy!
Kim,
“You’re too big”…
I almost fell off my chair…
How about his dick is too small….
oh hell to the no no no…..
You performed a charitable act … banging him…
Tell him all he is good for muffin munching…
Sorry lmao… I couldn’t help myself.
When I read this it rattled my cage… I now know what a heavily burdened, malnourished, lame donkey feels like; a lifetime of service, with no voice, treated like an object then shot because it ‘malfunctioned’. We are all flesh and blood animals that responds to pain and damage. The irony, of course, is that it’s narcissists that have maladaptive behaviour, not us that your kind choose to objectify.
You’ve got quantum dots in your TV…powered by nanotechnology. Do you notice the difference in color quality? Are the colors more vibrant?
Once upon a time, when I was a very little girl, before we lived in this disposable culture, TVs were expensive enough that they would be fixed and not automatically replaced. Are the respites you supply another word for preventive maintenance for your appliances. I must agree with Dr. HQ – if my appliance were essential to my daily life, I would take good care of it to ensure its proper function. Have you ever realized that a previous appliance performed much better than the new one and if so, were you ever wistful, for just a second, for that previous model? Do you believe that Greaters are quicker to replace appliances with new models at the moment they malfunction than Lessers and those pussy Mids, or will none of the bunch invest time in taking care of a ‘replaceable’ appliance?
Putting myself into the position of a toaster… Priceless. I wish you could see my face right now, I can almost see the steam.
But actually these comparisons made it very clear HG, and I think there is no better metaphor to make us understand “why”. There’s no need to ask anymore.. As simple as a toaster.
Retch……or do I mean wretch……..I guess it doesn’t matter as both apply. I understand all of this article …..it could not be more transparent……the only thing puzzling me is this……after living with a narc day in and day out for several years, why did I not see this relationship for what it was at the time? Did I see all of this but turned a blind eye? Did I really not see it at alI? I am going to have to think about this a little more. I was never replaced as such……mores the pity….I finally escaped but it took far too long to do it…….I would like to say that I escaped because I realised what he was and I was not going to put up with it any longer but that was not the case……it was other circumstances that pushed me into action…..otherwise I would likely still be there now and I may have never found this blog. Thank you HG….that was a sobering read…..and out of all the articles of yours that I have read so far, this is the one that will keep me from ever actually reliving that nightmare.
Then it has served its purpose excellent well Diva.
“…why did I not see this relationship for what it was at the time?”
Diva, I can only speak for myself, but I think my experience is fairly typical. I have to admit I DID see that many things were “off” about the relationship, but I chose to ignore them because I was addicted to the lovebombing and the golden period. We all were/are addicts — and denial is a prime characteristic of addicts.
As for not “seeing the relationship for what it was,” we didn’t know about Narcissistic Personality Disorder at the time. And we hadn’t discovered the amazing source of information that is HG Tudor!
So don’t beat yourself up. Yes, admit that you were an addict. And take the necessary steps toward recovery — you’re starting to do that just by being here. There’s a difference between accepting responsibility and being entirely to blame. Yes, we should accept a certain share of the responsibility for what happened to us. But we are certainly not entirely to blame.
Hi RN thank you for your response to me. I agree with everything that you said word for word. Diva
Hello HG Tudor,
Many thanks for your truths you have written: I experienced..
and finaly I “failed” … lucky me💪
You are welcome.
Just reading that made me get a bit cranky. I have consigned myself to the Island of Misfit Appliances. I will not be fueling another narcissist ever again. I will only toast one side of the bread from now on. Nice TV BTW.
Then fire the one-sided toast back at them! Bloody bastards! (This has irritated me as well!)
Bliss
You made me laugh! It is nice to know I am not the only one who gets irritated. Fire away!
Ha ha! Every now and again we rage too. HG manages to ignite our fury towards those damn narcs!
Right there with you, K. And every once in a while, their sorry asses will get a leg of lamb or some pommes frites.
Thank you for the laugh, Mary! 😂
This is a bitter pill to swallow
Well I think It’s quite clear you never dated someone who has a disruptive behavior problem (oppositional defiant disorder, conduct disorder etc.) 😂🤣
“Just do it”
“Stop disobeying me”
“Do it or else”
That would be met with:
“Hahahahaha…no”
“Fuck you. Suck my dick” (I hear that one outside my office window quite often lmao)
“Now I’m sure as shit not gonna do it”
“Fuck off”
There are different variations on the theme but you get the idea lmao!!!
Now, let’s say I perceived people as objects…
I would care how they felt simply because if I mistreated them or neglected them they would fail to perform…that’s just me though.
Hi Dr, very true , take care of your appliances and they won’t malfunction , but then they don’t give the negative fuel 🙄. No doubt the TV gets a kick so the contrast of a working TV can be viewed and then a TV with smoke coming out of it can be viewed . Then off to the shop to buy a nice new better TV
Dr Q. PsyD.
Heathers; nice gravatar!
Every time I read this I end up feeling sorry for you and all the people who view other people this way. It seems like a way to put a powerful face on a disability that prevents you from having normal relationships. And of course I am sorry for all the victims of all that thoughtless abuse. I guess I’m just sorry. Sorry for all of us.
When I was ill, the MR used to say I needed to be put down and replaced (his pet name for me an animal of course, all makes sense now!). Guess he really did mean it when he wanted me put down and replaced! He has never looked after me when ill, all these years. Two days after c-section I remember preparing his meals and getting him drinks, I couldn’t even stand straight. He had zero interest and didn’t interact with the baby at all (why would he other than the fact that it was him who wanted a child! Grr..) He told me at the time that he will interact with them when they are older and of some use to him. Only time he pretends to be an interested dad is when he wants to impress someone. Although now the kids are older, he has already told me that our children will be used as pawns in his game to destroy me. Bloody mid range narc. He knows that negative fuel is what he craves but I don’t think he knows any more. He genuinely thinks he’s a really good person and blames everyone else for everything. I used to be baffled why he constantly and randomly tried to draw negative fuel from me, the children and often complete strangers too, everyday since the day we met. Now I know.
Bliss
Your MR was really awful! Put down and replaced? What an ass.
Objectification. Non-attachment. Multiple sources of fuel. It is all making sense… finally!
Great article HG! Thank you!
You are welcome.