Now, I Have You
We rely on ensnaring our victims. Whether it is a stranger who we pass each day and smile at, knowing that they will return the smile, whether it is a friend who relies on being associated with us and who enjoys the benefits of being seen with us or whether it is the intimate partner who is installed as our primary source, we need to ensure that our fuelling appliances are attached to us, connected and secured so that we can rely on the fuel being pumped our way. We have our ways of determining whether an appliance has become ours, no matter what source the appliance belongs to. These “shows” or “tells” are important to us for several reasons:-
We know that the appliance has become attached to us and therefore the fuel will continue to flow;
We are aware that our seduction of the appliance has worked. We seduce everybody that we target. There is the generally accepted definition of seduction that is applicable to the primary source, but our seduction also manifests against those who are secondary sources. When we seduce, we charm, win-over, beguile, attract and so forth and we do this to the friends, the colleagues and family members. Our seduction of a stranger may be as straight forward as smiling at them so they return the gesture, but it is a seduction nevertheless. Knowing that the seduction has succeeded is important.
Once we know we have you, then we can adjust our approach appropriately. This may mean maintaining a certain level of behaviour and thus conserving energy, thus we do not expend energy too greatly trying to charm you further when we have already succeeded. It may mean knowing that since you have been seduced and you are attached, we can turn our attention elsewhere.
We can broadcast the seduction to other people and know that we will not err in doing so. This broadcasting allows us to gain fuel both from those who admire our newly seduced appliance and those who are jealous of our latest conquest. Either way we receive fuel. Accordingly, the relationship bulletins can begin.
It will be the trigger for the discard of the malfunctioning current primary source. Once we know that the prospective replacement has been seduced and attached we can commence the discard.
Not only do we look for these shows and tells in order to confirm to us that the seduction has been achieved, we use them as way markers to confirm to us that we are heading in the correct direction during the seduction and it will not be too long before we have you completely in our grasp. These indicators are important. If we do not see them, we know that we must apply more effort, more charm, more seductive power in order to reel you in. In some instances, if they remain absent we may form the view that the seduction is floundering and we may be better served turning our attentions elsewhere, so we are not denied fuel and we do not use up our energy on a wasted prospect. It is unusual for this to happen, but it can and therefore we need to see these indicators that confirm to us that you are falling under our spell, that you are being seduced and soon you will be attached to us.
In the context of seducing an intimate partner as a primary source these indicators are at their most prevalent and of course, by reason of that person being a prospective primary source, they are the most important ones to look for. Whilst it is material to see certain signs which tell us that we are acquiring a new and loyal inner circle friend, it is the indicators which signal to us that the prospective primary source is heeding our overtures which matter the most.
So, what are these indicators? There are many and the ones detailed below are not an exhaustive list but some of the more common ones. Some of these indicators do happen in ‘normal’ relationships, but they still should be heeded because they demonstrate that you are falling for us, that our charms are working and this will give us the comfort and information that we need to adjust our plans and machinations accordingly.
If you realise that you are doing these things now, then you are telegraphing to somebody that you are submitting to their seduction. If the seduction was once in the past, you may well recognise some of these things as matters which you did or said. Moreover, you will now know that if you wish to lay down a false scent, if you will, and deny us the indicators, these are the things you must avoid in order to encourage us in our seduction of you.
Answering your ‘phone within one ring when we call you.
Answering text messages in less than thirty seconds when we message you.
Answering your ‘phone, whether call or message in the middle of the night.
Cancelling plans with other people so that you can see us.
Inconveniencing yourself to spend time with us, for instance, travelling across town just to spend 30 minutes with us in a lunch hour.
Calling us and not having anything really to say to us.
Asking to know what our movements are during the day.
Going to something or doing something even though we know you do not like it really, just to please us and/or be with us;
Dropping everything to come to us on the pretext of an emergency;
Agreeing with us when we tell you that friends, family, colleagues etc are jealous of you and I and you do not try to make excuses for them, but instead you express dismay for their attitudes.
Buying something so you have the similar item to us.
Asking for an item of our clothing with our scent on so you can have us close to you.
Allowing us to borrow something and not asking for it back even though we have kept it for longer than we said we would.
Lending us money and not asking for it back.
Preferring to stay in than go out with your friends in the hope that we will call you.
Turning up unexpectedly at a place where we are.
Making considerable changes in your appearance to impress us;
Making changes to your home in order to impress us;
Writing poems or love letters to us;
Offering to do chores for us even though we do not live together;
Wanting us to accompany you to events
Telling us you miss us even though it has only been an afternoon that we have been apart.
Whilst it is a fact that these indicators also happen in ‘normal’ relationships, it is the fact that so many of them occur and that they do so with undue haste which sends us the signal that we want to see. Some would not happen in any relationship and with others it is the speed and aggregate effect of them which provides us with the indication that we wish to see. Be mindful of whether you are doing these things because if you are and you recognise the red flags of the way we behave towards you, you are in effect issuing a “come and get me I am yours” to us, with all the consequences that flow from that.
18 thoughts on “Now, I Have You”
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I meant to also add (in case my novel wasn’t enough) that in moments of clarity I am freaking ELATED that he married someone else and is leaving me alone. Because I can finally build my life without the poison coming at me.
I was not strong enough to say no to him, clearly, so if he had asked me to marry him, omygod I may have said yes and then I would be so miserable.
I am free!!! Since he is married now and doing the right thing I imagine, I think I am safe and it is done. I know you say that it is never over, but that’s only if they are full blown narc, and what if he is not and just an asshole to me specifically? Do you think he’s a narc? Such a mindf*ck.
Thanks HG. I’ve been recommending your site to others. Incredible stuff.
Thank you Lovey, I appreciate you doing so.
I cannot comment on whether he is a narcissist or not, I do not have enough information. The consultations are the appropriate forums to address this.
Dear HG,
Do you think if a wound was triggered deeply enough, it could make a “commitment-phobe” narc go so far as to marry someone to escape the notion that he might be emotionally void and inadequate? To prove himself lovable?
In the beginning, I was a Primary source. He would then get afraid, (his words, he seemed sincere), leave, and come back a few weeks later. I got the I love you and the future plans, although I did not get the sensational sex everyone here talks about. He is a boring and brief lover. God help me! 🙂
At some point, I must have been relegated in his eyes to Secondary, without realizing. Call me naive, but it did not occur to me that he had someone like me (important, or ranked higher) in place. I still thought I was special to him, because of the way he spoke to me and because of the intense spiritual experience I was having, linked to him. I knew he was dating around, but I figured it was all brief and superficial for him. Some part of me thought he’d eventually pick me. (I know, I know) He still initiated contacted me with his life news and updates, as well as flirting, making dates, statements about missing me, “is it too late for us” and so on. But then when I’d say “What do you mean?” His answer was always vague “I’m not sure, just been thinking a lot lately” Same baiting I heard for years. Vague. No follow through, just testing my response. This is on the heels of him saying he “wants to keep people at arms length” and doesn’t want a relationship.
I got fed up with his “come here, go away” stuff -plan dates then cancel, never follow through, seek compliments (usually about his pen*s size) then go silent, get angry if he thought I had the upper hand (I never felt I did), he called me cold when I wouldn’t chase after him. I started asking questions, he’d evade, avoid, evade, avoid.
Finally I told him he is emotionally unavailable to me, and I do not feel safe or nourished with a man like that. He got pouty, went silent, hoovered for three days, then told me he was now committed to someone. UM WHAT. He married this other person four months later. MARRIED. This might be the biggest WTF of my life.
HG, do you think he is a mid-ranger? On one hand, he seemed aware of his insecurity, and his need to be in charge, but yet not that bright about himself at the same time. Massively afraid to discuss emotion, massively shut down, hyper sensitive to any perceived criticism, even when I wasn’t criticizing, and then I’d be apologizing all over myself just to soothe him over the tiniest things.
And, do you think he married her to hurt me, because I wounded him, when he knows all along I wanted to be with him? Why string me along? Why keep in contact with me at all if she’s the one? He was initiating with ME, I was not chasing him. Why did he marry her? It seems so fake — as in, they are both full of shit. How can this be love if he was trying to rekindle with me at the same time? What do you think?
Thank you – I posted a previous comment last week but don’t know if it went through – I think it was on the Good Man, Bad Job post. It was like War & Peace length but this one might be, too. 😀 Sorry thanks please?
Perhaps it is just a result of living with narcs, but I knew instinctively to do all these things in any relationship. Likewise when I want to distance myself, I instinctively knew to NOT do these things.
Lord help me! I did many of these things, some at the demand if ex narc, like “why did you miss my call? When you move, TAKE YOUR PHONE WITH YOU!!”
Of course I thought that meant that he wanted to have access to me at all times; that I was special to him. All it was? Hegemony and control!!!
I stayed home and refused invites, because I was being trained to be available. I lost friendships and wasn’t invited to events after so many refusals.
The heartbreaking part? Once he had me, I was carrying around that phone as the cells and texts became less frequent.
I hurt. Bad.
Once I loaned him money, and once it became clear that he really didn’t plan to pay me back, I wouldn’t have a conversation with him unless I was asking about my money! There is where I draw the line. So… I got my money back in dribbles, along with many silent treatments and cold shoulders — and that cold bed became even colder. I was devalued horribly, which I met with resistance. Which led to the disengagement.
I hurt. Worse. THE worst I’ve ever hurt.
They always fucking win!
Now I’m feeling like an addict, whose dealer left town and moving on … I must find another.
Tudor the Great, you’ve given excellent advice on how to get over a narcissist with whom one is involved. Read your books, “Exorcism …” helped TREMENDOUSLY! I feel a disconnect from him.
NOW THIS! A longing for another supplier. It’s why I flirt with you on your live streams. It’s why I find your voice hella sexy and the way you say “eaus” for “us” — and that laugh(!) completely makes me … excited.
Have you written a book on this phenomenon? Is this something that you have run across before?
Please help. I’ve asked for information on a consult or email consult.
I make light sometimes. I’m not a badass, but I play one on TV, so to speak. I talk this over with my BPD counselor, she tells me how to value myself and to know that I deserve better. Intellectually I know that, but psychologically it’s not so easy to apply. She doesn’t get it. I know you do … so please help me.
Now you don’t.
My N gets mad if I do not reply within 20 min to a text even though he has discarded me for new IPPS. It’s ludicrous really.
Guilty of many of these at the beginning. Then i said to myself ‘stop✋’
The inner monologue helped sometimes but not all the time.
Now i do none of these thank god.
Oh boy, I telegraphed 15 out of the 22 indicators. I was a sitting duck quacking out my GPS coordinates. Come and get me so you can break my heart! Quack!
Helpful – thank you HG
You are welcome Alexis.
When my narc had gone quiet for several hours or days, he often asked “Miss me?” upon his return. He started doing this the first week we talked. I never should have said yes. He always said he missed me, and I kept thinking “then why do you vanish so much?” It’s because he knew he had me.
Thank you for this it is interesting. The thing that strikes me about it is that the behaviours would seem to be what the narcissist does i.e. write poetry, show up at home, work unexpectedly etc.,? My ex would give me a blow by blow account of his day I suppose so that I would reciprocate. So if I am understanding correctly we must just put a block on this behaviour and this would scare a narcissist off. Would it also be an idea to tell a few lies as some sort of test on a suspected narcissist? just a thought not very well formed. Unfortunately everyone is a suspect now for me.
I can’t help thinking that if I heed this advice, that I may just let that one and only person, (who I have not met yet) who isn’t a narc, slip right through my hands!!!!! My nickname was Jinxy with very good reasoning…..sod’s law always applies to me……I am not sure that I am even capable of adhering to this modified behaviour without a genetic transplant………
I hate it when you are right!! Damn I’m such a fool… I did 90% of those things for him. Cancelled friends, did chores, planned my life around him etc.
Such a a wake up call it’s scary! Thanks HG for this excellent post!
You are welcome Karma.
I did most of those things with him. Thanks for the heads up!
Not anymore you don’t!