Outrage
Fury is the instrument of the narcissist. It is a tool that we deploy in furtherance of our aims. The narcissist’s toolbox is a thing to behold. It contains many devices, objects and instruments that we deploy in order to secure our objectives. Other people may use these devices in a similar if diminished form but they will not be anywhere near as dangerous and effective as the ones that lurk in my toolkit. Some of these instruments are used to subjugate, others are deployed to control and yet again there are others that will be used for the purposes of manipulation. The placing of fury in this toolbox recognises its use to the narcissist as one of his prime instruments.
All of our kind bring the fury but what is it? It will be instructive to start by considering what it is not. Fury is not anger. Anger is below fury on the scale of violent responses. Anger is a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure or hostility. It is greater than vexation, it is something more than feeling cross and it is beyond exasperation. Notwithstanding this, it is less than fury. It does not contain the unbridled vitriol that is synonymous with fury. Nor does it contain the violent hostility that one finds with fury. What is most important to know about anger is that it is a normal emotion and thus by comparison, fury is an abnormal emotion, hence why fury sits in our toolkit. Anger is an intense emotional response that is normal in nature and arises as a consequence of real or perceived provocation. Anger in itself is neither good nor bad. It can be used for either purpose and it is down to the manner in which that particular person handles it. An individual may direct it into violence towards another person in order to protect him or herself from a threat. Alternatively, it may manifest in the destruction of property. You as a normal and empathic individual become angry. Indeed, as part of our mission to obtain fuel we strive to provoke anger in you, either through angry gestures or through angry words on your part. This provides us with fuel when you react in this emotional fashion. It is an acceptable and understandable response for an individual to become angry.
It is a normal response to a threat or harm. It also releases pressure that builds up inside a normal person. The expression of anger enables people to dissipate this pressure and thereafter feel spent but better for having been angry, as opposed to suppressing the sensation and allowing the pressure to build even further. Some normal people can only take a small amount of pressure before they blow a fuse whereas other people may be regarded as slow-burners who take a long time before they express anger. In either instance the response is an entirely normal one. People become angry for a host of different reasons.
You may agree that anger certainly serves a purpose and concur that helpful and beneficial consequences can arise from this normal emotion. I should imagine that you will also venture to suggest that there is a downside to anger, that results in destructive behaviour and violence. That is not anger. That is fury. That is when something beyond anger is experienced and this fury is more prevalent amongst my kind.
Interestingly, anger also results in a suspension of empathy by those who behave normally. The individual, through anger, becomes focussed on his or her own needs and requirements. This is not applicable to me. There is no empathy to suspend. That is why we do not deploy anger. We have no need of a device to suspend our empathy because we do not have any. This is a further reason why anger serves no actual purpose to us and why we must deploy fury instead. Anger is a normal reaction. We operate outside of the usual normative values. This normal anger serves certain purposes. None of those purposes are of any use to my kind and me. Anger can be regarded as a force for good. That is not something that we are interested in.
Fury is beyond anger. It is wrath, frenzy and savagery. Someone who is furious has gone the extra emotional mile. One might even consider it to be madness. The wild nature of fury causes it to surpass anger and fury is not to be found in the responses of the normal person. I will emphasise that point. You will not find fury as a response of a normal person. Anger? Yes. Fury? No. The deployment of fury is the hallmark of the abnormal. If fury were a normal reaction there would be chaos as explosions erupted everywhere. Most relationships would disintegrate, more people would be injured, and property broken and destroyed and the repercussions for society as a whole would be severe. The cost in terms of money, emotion and well-being would be enormous. Consider the number of times you have been angry. It has happened has it not? You will also be able to recall when your parents or at least one of them became angry, a friend, a stranger, a colleague or a partner. You have seen anger in everyone and that is because it is normal. They may have used that anger for some purpose, kept it in check or let it flow over them and dissipate with no consequence. For those of you have had an encounter with fury, you will also know it. It will have happened amongst fewer people than the categories that I have just mentioned. This is because the development of people has been such that fury cannot become the norm. If it does then society would begin to break down. You may have seen many instances of fury from one particular individual. That is because that person is not normal. They are the exception.
41 thoughts on “Outrage”
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H.G.
Are you Earl Spencer? I have a history of asking you questions like this please oblige.😋
No I am not Earl Spencer.
Hi Yolo
He has more chance of being in Depeche Mode….. from the lyrics I have seen ……. he could have wrote those songs himself!!!!…….Diva
Good evening HG. . could u please ‘unmoderate’ my earlier comment on this feed? Thank u a million..
Do you mean post it or delete it? Either way, those are acts of moderation.
Post it.. s’il vous plait.. when your heart desires of course…merci ..
I shall once I get to it Tiddlywink.
Tudor the Great, you never answered my question you promised to answer if I made it clearer. I did as you asked. (what else would I do?)
I know you’re busy, plus you have many vying for your personal attention here, and most definitely in your personal life. But could you please go back and read my question and help me?
I will once time allows. The alternative is for you to organise a consultation.
This post got me thinking about traits. I think I picked up some rage (fury) from my father, although it is not an empath trait, it is part of me, like my eye color. It is easier to leave it in the toolbox. My energy is better off going towards indifference.
Useful to know as it means fury can be used as evidence against someone on its own, and not rationalised as I have heard before as an ‘anger attack’.
Correct GM.
HG,
As a rule, does the intensity of fury expression increase with the age and experience of a Narcissist or is it a function of whether or not the IP is in devaluation?
I did witness fury during the Golden Period, but it was not directed at me, except for a few instances related to my defiance.
Hello Kimi, the intensity of the fury is dependent on the nature of the narcissist, the extent of the wounding, the availability of fuel supplies and other factors.
I referred to my Nex’s fury episodes as “anger issues” for decades (started playing do), thinking it was anger and later, abuse. Of course, these episodes of heated and cold fury accelerated and were eventually directed at me, overtime.
I even now recognize “the Great Sulk” and the present “Silent Treatment,” which occurred after telling him to leave/move from our home. I changed the locks, informed him and began sleeping with a gun nearby. He still successfully hoovered me (shaking my head) until I went No Contact.
Mine became furious when i posted a comment on social media .. without naming names at all mind you.. about the good idea of letting his girlfriends know about his behavior and the fact he was leading a double life. This was after i told him that I know what he is doing. Thing is, he has already blocked me from both of his girlfriends so that i could never contact them, and he had blocked me from his fb too. He phoned me up and said what a bitch i was and if i ever think about ruining his image and telling them, then he will completely destroy me. He swore at me, he shouted and screamed down the phone and his intonation and speed of the conversation was fast like he was on adrenaline.. i said “calm down it was just a comment on an fb page without naming any names”… “what is the problem with that”. but he kept going on and on and on .. calling me the most hideous names under the sun and threatening me…
I’m stunned. Seriously? Normal people don’t have fury at all? Wow.
So does the existence of fury definitively mark someone as a narcissist, or does it just mean that they are disordered in some way?
Disordered, most likely one of our kind but not for definite, there would need to be other factors to consider.
Hmmmm now i feel not normal bc i have experienced fury twice in my life that i can recall. Once as a child and once as an adult.
When i was a child about 10 yrs old i had a neighbor friend who without fail would come over and take whoever i was hanging out with away. I always felt insecure of this and really started to resent it. One afternoon i was playing with a friend on the swingset and she came over and talked the friend i was hanging out with to go to her house and it triggered fury that ive never felt before. I can still recount the feeling of utter hatred. I lost it and grabbed her arm hard with my hand digging my nails in and screamed basically having a temper tantrum. I wanted to beat the crap out of her i was so livid. I remember my mother coming out and she was in shock as were the two girls. I had a meltdown and it wasnt anger it was definitely fury. I remember feeling out of control. At the time my parents marriage was in turmoil and i think that had a lot to do with it.
As an adult i felt very much the same but didnt react in a physical way. My mother had spent christmas evening for a few hours and hurried off after. She had been dodging coming over but did to visit my twins at the time who were toddlers. I found out why bc she was going on a mexican trip with my brother and his wife. I cant remember but there was more that led up to the moment but i snapped and sent her a very angry voicemale. I was shaking and screaming in the phone. I said some things i wish i could take back. I was in a state of fury or what felt that way.
Looking back at these two incidents i see both stemmed from fear of loss in some capacity.
What is cold fury then how does a narc control their fury if it is so strong
Please see the book ‘Fury’.
Is it possible that a narc would engage in fury more often, or with more force, with one empath type that he was in a relationship with, but less so with a different empath in a subsequent or prior relationship? The reason I ask is this…..I was told by the narcs family members that this particular relative was extremely violent to his immediate family all of their lives and that they were afraid of him. They did not seem to be aware that he was a narc and neither was I at this point. Yet when I came into contact with him (later on) I only saw violence once…….extremely briefly…..as soon as it manifested, I reacted back in an aggressive manner (verbally)……and it petered out very quickly. Neither of us mentioned it again and it was as if it had never happened. Sounds bizarre now…..but that’s the reality. After that one episode, if he got annoyed with me, he would immediately disappear instead. The other family members that I spoke too seemed to not believe that he had not been violent towards me in the same way as he had to them. I hope that makes sense……it is difficult to describe.
Yes that is indeed a possibility.
Interesting…….So are you saying that some narcs have an innate ability to know how far they can push one individual in a certain way, yet realise a certain treatment will not achieve the desired effect with another individual and therefore can modify or switch off their usual violent behaviour accordingly?
Correct.
Hmmmmm. I am going to have to let this simmer a bit because it challenges some of what I have learned about Anger as one of the primary emotions and fury being an extreme expression of it, albeit more destructive and intense. And, I respect that this is your internal experience and I am not a narcissist so who am I to say, right? I am going to challenge respectfully. Plus, i am open to learning.
Do I believe that fury is an emotion that is frequently experienced by narcissists and sociopaths? Yes.
Do I think it is more frequent in them than the typical population? Yes.
Do I think it is solely an experience of the narcissists and sociopaths. No.
(I do not think you said it was, but I am clarifying) Think of the level of rage of someone with Borderline Personality, or of someone with Bipolar Disorder. I have seen that level of rage personally and it can be an inferno and very destructive that can result in murder even. And, when someone without any of these disorders goes through a traumatic or intensely horrible event, I think they are capable of fury as well. I think about passion based murders, like parents that kill their child’s killer after the court sets the killer free.
Do I think that fury is a tool? Not entirely, though partly. To “act” furious and “to be” furious are two different things that can co-occur as well as occur separately. I see acting as a tool. I see feeling as an internal experience.
So, HG, is your definition of fury your internal experience of abnormally extreme anger, or is it the behaviors you engage in after you feel it, or both?
Do you plan what you do with your red hot fury or is it so heated that you cannot plan in the moment?
Thank you for your continued education of us about all things narcissistic and sociopathic. It is a journey.
Indy
You are welcome.
Fury is the internal experience, Its manifestation depends on the extent to which control must (or can) be exerted.
If I can control my heated fury, then I plan how it will be used later (it is never wasted) on those instances where I cannot control it, such is its visceral and savage intensity then I go into a frenzy.
Who was the last girlfriend who saw you in full-on frenzy mode? What can one do to soothe you the best when that happens?
Kim.
Hi MLA and HG,
Sorry for rudely hopping in here, I just wanted to add a comment on “soothing the frenzy”. I know that truly emphatic people wish to soothe others, though in this situation, it is HG’s responsibility to soothe his own frenzy and it is up to others that witness this to protect themselves and get distance. We cannot control another human’s behaviors and when it is at that level, it sounds like it is not a safe space to be in, similar to a fight or flight, impulsive-reactive space. I may be wrong on that, and please correct me HG if I am interpreting your frenzy more violently than it is.
I am curious, HG, if your instagram account posts are related to any therapy based homework experiments. Some of the posts seem very close to the exercise of “mindfulness of the 5 senses”(A self soothing skill). I have said before, you seem to do external mindfulness very well and naturally as you have a predatory nature about you and knowing what is around you keeps you “safe”. I wonder if some of the trips are about discovering yourself, your true likes, dislikes, past, etc….more internal mindful journeys on the path of finding HG.
Anyway…just some thoughts I had when viewing your mysterious posts.
Hi Indy, no they are not related to therapy based homework experiments, although I do find it interesting how you have viewed them, thank you.
MLA……what can be done to soothe a full frenzy mode?………hand him his titanium stress balls…..back out of the room as quickly as possible……be prepared to duck, when (not if) required…..Diva
I don’t know that answer today Diva or probably not tomorrow since I don’t know HG or what his frenzy mode is like.
But everyone has a soothe trigger and don’t we all just want that one person who figures out how to crack the code on how?
Hi MLA,
No.
I know it sounds cold. I do not mean it to be said sharply but warmly. It is actually not healthy to expect someone to soothe us. We have to learn this alone. Or we get addicted to another and overly dependent on another.
In DBT, we learn that no one is responsible for our emotions and all our feelings are valid and we must learn to listen to the messages of our emotions and we must take care of them. we must learn how to do this ourselves. To self soothe. It is a basic developmental achievement that those with cluster B did not fully achieve this (like addicts too and codependents), because they were not soothed or properly attached to a parent with consistent and reliable care. We all must learn to self soothe rather than rage and or go into depressions or isolate in extreme anxiety. Including HG.
Now, perhaps I misinterpreted what you meant?
Hi Indy,
I would never think you’re being harsh with me. No worries there. I understand completely your message. I know how to self-soothe. I’ve been doing it since childhood. I was also raised, as you know, with that Catholic dogma deeply ingrained in me that God created Eve so that Adam would not be alone and the Two become One when united in love. We don’t have to go down that path in de-programming that. Lol
As the mother in Tennessee William’s “Glass Menagerie” set a certain tone with her son and finding a “gentleman caller” for her daughter, I recognize similar themes I had too.
I also saw a therapist for a year that wanted to focus on future goals but didn’t believe in talking a lot about the past. Well how do you make the right goals without fucking up and repeating patterns if you don’t figure out your wounds replaying from the past to resolve?
So now I’ve isolated myself on my own path, self-reflecting, self-soothing, working thru the stages of grief the therapist said I was dealing with post divorce and leaving my house, just me, myself and I. It gets exhausting. I’d love for someone to want to crack my code, but I know not to have any expectations. That’s just the way it is.
Hi MLA,
My comment actually wasn’t directed toward you needing to learn to soothe your self but more toward HG needing to soothe himself when in a frenzy. we ourselves are not responsible for soothing other people in general. It is an empathic response to sooth someone else, and in normal circumstances is a kind thing to do. but ultimately when somebody gets into something like a frenzy or extreme emotional responses is their task to soothe. Individuals with BPD, for example, often look for others to soothe the ultimate pain within because in some cases it was never done for them early in life and this not learned. Similar with NPD, now instead of looking for another person to soothe they often look for fuel. Others, like myself, look toward addictions. My addiction was actually doing just that, soothing others. It’s a codependent response. Others, may have other addictions that soothe the emotions such as food alcohol drugs exercise to extreme etc. etc. or even addiction to work and achievements. I relate to that as well. When we get caught in a cycle to seek external sources of Sue thing, similar to fuel, we get addicted. So my response was not that you don’t have it but as a warning to not get into a pattern of soothing others because I myself did that and thought I could do that when it’s in reality a cycle that is impossible to maintain. we become in our minds responsible for another person’s emotions and how they handle them. That is a very painful path with lots of loss….and addiction to another persons responses (12 step codependent).
I also agree with you MLA that we must first address the present time, and learn to deal with our present emotions and when we are regulated than addressing the past and our parents is vital.
Anyway, I’m blabbing on and on, I just wanted you to know I wasn’t saying you did not know how to Soothe, just look out for the urge to Soothe others. It’s my Achilles heel.
Awww, this would be a great conversation to have on a Sunday afternoon in a coffeehouse!
I would enjoy that too. Plus, all you have to say is coffee and a coffee house, I’m there 😊👅
Part two of my response to MLA,
Just to clarify, I am not saying soothing others as a bad thing. What I’m saying is look out for taking care of other people’s emotional needs when they need to do it for themselves first. Like when a narcissist is in a frenzy. You know this. You have the wisdom, I know. I just needed to say it out loud for myself as well. ❤️
Hi MLA Clarece I agree but I don’t think “narc whisperers” exist……I wish they did……as despite what I have read on this blog and what I know from experience, I still can’t fully accept that they are a lost cause either. Diva
Haha, I love it – Narc Whisperer. I too have a hard time accepting they are a lost cause too when they have the capability to become aware of their behaviors and realize they don’t have to act with such malice. They ultimately want to fill that gaping hole in their core.