Spoiler Alert
When I was with Siobhan (an ex girlfriend) her birthday arrived just four weeks after we had begun seeing one another. I took her away for the weekend, bought her a beautiful Tiffany bracelet, organised a huge bouquet to be delivered to the suite where we were staying in our hotel and then took her shopping for a couple of new outfits and some new shoes. She was swept off her feet. Just as I intended. All part of the golden period and naturally part of the ongoing seduction to ensure that not only was I receiving her positive fuel caused by her delight, admiration and thanks for such a wonderful time, but that she was becoming embedded into my world. All those I meet need to become part of my world, attached to me, fuel lines running from them to me. This is especially so with the person who is to become my Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”). I need to own that person, I need to draw them into my world, ensure they are completely subsumed within it and thus they will be under my control. I truly want them to succeed because they show such promise, they demonstrate that they have the ability to fulfil the Prime Aims and deliver what is required which in turn will give me the fuel that powers my construct and this illusory world into which this person has been drawn.
When it was her birthday a year later I didn’t give her a present and begrudgingly went for dinner with her that evening. I ensured she paid. I talked down to the waiter and insisted we leave without pudding and subjected her to silence on the drive home. I wanted to spoil her birthday because it was about her and not me. I hate attention being focussed elsewhere. I can tolerate it during the golden period because it serves my purposes to allow that person to have a wonderful and special birthday because of their positive fuel and the need to embed them, yet when devaluation occurs, there is no need to tolerate this state of affairs and the reality can be unveiled to the bewildered horror of the recipient.
There is no need to maintain the artifice. The person is embedded and if we have chosen the correct victim (and we usually do) they will not be going anywhere fast because they will cling to us in the hope of returning to the golden period. The victim, who most of the time will be the IPPS (as this is the person who suffers the longest and the worst type of devaluation) has been chosen for their desire to mend things, to understand and try to establish what has changed, what has gone wrong and their need to try to make everything good again. This creates an almost indefatigable approach by the victim to remaining with us. Nevertheless, when this devaluation is in place, everything has to be spoiled. What once was a wonderful occasion is either not acknowledged or is actively ruined. Whereas we once praised and complimented something you had achieved, this too is either ignored, put down or belittled in some way.
My nephew told me he had come first in his school’s 100m race. I told him I ran a faster time than him when I was at school. A colleague showed me his new watch. I told him I had one which was similar but mine was better. You’ve got tickets for a performance tonight? I went last week and it was rubbish. You recommend a new Mexican restaurant that has just opened? I tell you that it is attracting the attention of environmental health. Bought a new car? I don’t like the colour and criticise its miles per gallon ratio. The thing is that these comments often just spill from our mouths (especially with the Lesser and the Mid-Range) before we even have a chance to think. It is an instinctive response which is designed to make you give us negative fuel, to assert our control over you and to emphasise our superiority.Whenever the spotlight is shining elsewhere I need to smash it and train a new one on me. Sometimes the needs of the façade will mean that control has to be exerted so that the training of the spotlight occurs in a way where was outshine you as opposed to necessarily denigrating you, but the effect is the same. You cannot have the spotlight on you, it has to be on us.
If you have an important function you want to attend, I will pick a fight with you before you go and then text you incessantly whilst you are at it so you do not enjoy it. I have to ruin it for you. I cannot control this urge. Sam (an ex girlfriend) loved to garden. She would spend hours at the weekend tending her beds. I would call round during the week when she was not there and take a strimmer to her plants. As the stalks and stems were obliterated I could feel myself feeling better as I envisaged her dismay at returning home and seeing her garden having been hacked at. That Thought Fuel was welcomed and of course I would ensure that I just happened to call around later that evening to find her either sobbing at the destruction or raging at the carnage that had been caused. Witnessing her reaction to my spoiling behaviour of course provided me with significant fuel which was potent and edifying.
I have to cut people down. The urge to destroy, denigrate,criticise and belittle is overwhelming.
I have to spoil. There is no hope for an alternative because the need to keep people in their place, maintain my own superiority and also to create the contrast for the provision of potent negative fuel is overwhelming.
70 thoughts on “Spoiler Alert”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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With regard to finding the one and Amanda:
(Sorry, I could not post underneath your conversations above).
Reading this conversation made my heart hurt, looking for the one. It is bitter sweet.
HG,
If you were able to have Amanda in your life now, would you treat her the same way that you would any IPPS? (I apologize if you have already answered this).
Twilight,
I just loved your description of true love. It is indeed an action.
When I think of the times I have felt the deepest loves in my life (for my son, particularly, though also for my mother, father, and one of my exes), I think of it as an aching and an action. The depth of the feeling of love is almost like a scooping of my heart out (pain), but a “good pain”. I ache for their happiness, for their joys and have fears of things I hope they never has to experience. Goodness, it is so hard to describe love, but it usually starts with an ache in my chest. Then, the wishes I have for the other person. Then the actions…(Being there, supporting, giving, witnessing, accepting, nonjudgementally being there, etc)…And so much more. It is meaning. My meaning in life. To love. It is so much more powerful than infatuation. And infatuation is very powerful. Love is more steady and even. Infatuation is like a roller coaster ride on cocaine. It saddens me that there are those that do not know this love.
Hmmm, I feel my heart aching as I talk about it. And tears too.
(Perhaps this damn eclipse is making me emotional LOL)
97% sun coverage here in Atlanta in 1.5 hours.
If Amanda were to appear in my life now I would treat her just like any other primary source, albeit she would not let me down.
And, truly I appreciate your honesty in the first part of your answer. (brutal)
As for the second part…**holds back smart ass remark **
Signed,
A former love devotee
Indy
Whether she lets you down or not…….that is in your hands (and mind) and not hers……you state that greaters can evolve……get a move on!!!!!! Diva
HG
Amanda has already let you down. She left you, not to be found again thus far. Isnt that the ultimate escape? You always say such treachery must be dealt with, not rewarded with your perfect love. I can only imagine the fury when you locate her and she lets you down as you say about all others is inevitable. That is what makes you a Narcissist-otherwise youre just a normal guy looking for the one that got away.
Sorry, I cant just blow butterflies up your ass. You get enough of that already.
Question HG: what do you do with our character traits in the devaluation? You don’t need them anymore? You despise and ignore them? If you chose to be with a lawyer because you like her status, why would you despise her profession later on?
I just can’t believe it’s all just for contrast.
Because she is painted black and therefore all that is associated with her is painted black.
Hi nat…thats a good question about the character traits if they keep them or not. I suspect based on my own narc they subside. I notice at different times he will change his personality like once he went thru an aussie stage and even started buying australian beer and mimicking the accent. Everything was australian then about a year later it was dropped. I think either who he was with ended or it was disengaged. Ive seen this with other aspects of him in relation to character traits. Now its all about trump and has been for a good solid year. He is part of a trump group and wears trump accessories. I feel so guilty talking about him this way but its true. I do see character traits from.suspected people hes with rub off on him. Narcs build their personalities like a bird builds a nest one character trait at a time.
After disengagement or in other narcs case disgard id think those traits dim down or are also disgarded. I dont know for sure tho.
Discard not disgard
Narc Affair
Your comment got me to thinking… I’ve been in a relationship with my exhusband for 44 years now, and I’ve never noticed his personality or interests change. He may no longer do the same activities that he did in his youth, but that’s just age related. He’s still interested in them. I can’t imagine him affecting an accent or really going all gung ho over anything. He’s always been steady and predictable.
And I’ve never really understood the concept of acquiring personality traits. I think he’d laugh at the idea of it. Maybe because he doesnt seduce or do golden periods? Maybe because he’s just cerebral? I don’t know? He does acquire information from anywhere he can and then pontificate about it to all and sundry.
Maybe instead of acquiring personality traits, some narcs acquire knowledge? He is a font of all types of knowledge, but he never lets his skills or knowledge go. He takes great pride in being able to solve any problems, from calculus equations to fixing a washing machine.
Anybody else understand the character trait thing?
HG if you have any time or have you already written about it more extensively somewhere?
“…her birthday arrived just four weeks after we had begun seeing one another.
I took her away for the weekend, bought her a beautiful Tiffany bracelet, organised a huge bouquet to be delivered to the suite where we were staying in our hotel and then took her shopping for a couple of new outfits and some new shoes. She was swept off her feet. ”
It is surprising how people still fall for it. This behaviour is a huge red flag. A narcissist who wanted to ensnare me was intending to do something similar and I run away before it was too late. One of my sister’s narcissistic boyfriends sent her a very big bouquet of roses a week after they had met. When I told her what I thought about it, she did not believe me. I did warn my sister but I would not tell anyone else because they tell me I am jealous of them.
From my experience, Greaters and Mid-Range narcissists use presents as a manipulation tactic. I learnt about it from my narcissistic family and I still feel very uncomfortable when I receive presents from other people or when they do something for me I have not asked for. Frenemies or passive-aggressive Normals (if such a group exits) do that too.
My narcissist father used to be very generous with people who had residual benefits and he used to tell me about his hidden purposes too (e.g. someone he wanted to do business with). Presents varied according to the individual’s socio-economic status. Some of the generous ones went from paying for house repairs, a wedding’s party, a honeymoon to *spontaneously* giving someone the keys of one of his properties by the sea so that they could spend a long weekend or a holiday with their wives or family. People regarded him as a generous man and nobody seemed to see through his tactics.
It was very obvious that was what they wanted but never could understand why, at least it’s all explained here. Turns out they are just after our emotions after they hurt us, or anger us, or abuse us. I still struggle to grasp this whole concept of taking joy in other’s misery even though it’s been explained. There’s just too many problems in life and adding to people’s misery and getting admiration for it all is somehow just not priority for most people, thankfully. At least most empaths forgive, hopefully forget (eventually, in their own ways) and move on, usually with scars completely healed. Whereas narcs will always be ugly like the picture of Dorian Gray and usually end up destroying themselves.
HG, would this not be sufficient instead than devastating lives? https://fuel10k.com *Wishful thinking. Drove past this yesterday and wondered if this is where you reside. http://www.thetudorlodge.net
Ha ha, I am surprised I have not been sent a few boxes of Fuel yet in the hope of diverting me from my machinations.
Indeed, it is one of many outposts!
The Tudor Lodge is beautiful! I just looked it up, I have never been there. . . one day perhaps. 😉
There’s just too many problems in life and adding to people’s misery and getting admiration for it all is somehow just not priority for most people, thankfully.
I feel the same, Bliss. I wish they could get fuel from just breaking hearts instead of messing with their mental health. Most of us already suffer enough from the way we were brought up. I am sure that most of HG’s IPPS’s have had to have had psychiatric sessions for years afterwards.
Definitely! I’m so glad I escaped being made into IPPS by the last narc. I definitely would’ve needed psychiatric treatment. Shame we will never be rid of them completely, them and their hoovering.
I’ve nearly come to the conclusion that they absolutely can’t help it, just as empaths can’t help being emphatic. Therefore they’re not as in control as they think they are.
I never thought of it that way before. Things that make you go, hmm.
It is unnerving to say the least to realise that your own narcs behaviour was highly likely engineered to suit their need for a fix, as opposed to them just reacting in a bizarre way, to circumstances outside of their control. I am only just starting to analyse and question my own reactions during this phase and mainly, why did I stay so long? I think the answer is because the % of desirable behaviour exceeded the % of undesirable behaviour. However when that dynamic changed around, the bearable became the unbearable. Maybe it’s because of empathic traits or maybe it’s something else,….. but bad behaviour has not seemingly been a deal breaker for me…….provided that the good behaviour outweighs the bad. I will have to learn that as soon as those narc scales start to slowly consistently tip or violently swing in any direction then it is time to make a move to no contact. However, I also need to recalibrate the tipping point on those narc scales in my empathic head, as I know it is skewed.
I forgot to add….hurry up and get back here HG im in blog withdrawals 😄
I am here NA.
Now you are 😄
He certainly took his time coming back in it? 😄
You know this yet you still do it. I think thats where the lack of empathy comes in. Narcissists (greaters) can know and understand fully what and why its wrong but they care only about themselves so none of that matters.
Reading this i cant envision you doing that to your gfs garden HG you just seem way more controlled and mature than that. The way you are in your blogs is a self aware individual yet on the outside wed never believe the things you do. I could see you doing that at dinner but destroying the garden seems so…beneath… who you are here.
Everything youve written in your blogs points to the fact youre very much aware of narcissism and you must be aware of the fact there will never be a perfect woman and thats why the narc cycle exists to recycle and keep drawing in new sources that wont know what you are.
The focus aways has to be on the narc and there will never be a balance in a narcissistic relationship.
My narc has made it a point to try some of my interests out then point out how “its not for him” lol he keeps telling me this and i know it stems from envy. He sees i take an interest in those things and wants to take away from it. I dont let it bother me bc as explained in this blog so accurately i know where it stems from…the need to destroy that which doeant revolve around them (the narc).
Thank you NA. Remember, my control has evolved through time.
If you have an important function you want to attend, I will pick a fight with you before you go and then text you incessantly whilst you are at it so you do not enjoy it. I have to ruin it for you.
Every time I told him I was going to a family member’s house for a holiday or special occasion, or even going to a friend’s party(or wedding) he would text me incessantly all night long. Usually, naked pictures of himself. It was so hard explaining to my family and friends who was texting me so much and “what are they saying?” Also, the two times I was going to go on vacation he would suddenly give me the silent treatment and ruin the whole trip. I spent most of the time worrying what I had done wrong instead of enjoying the trip. BASTARD!
I have to cut people down. The urge to destroy, denigrate,criticise and belittle is overwhelming.
I have to spoil. There is no hope for an alternative because the need to keep people in their place, maintain my own superiority and also to create the contrast for the provision of potent negative fuel is overwhelming.
I was told my father (a narcissist) did this to all my elder siblings. I do not remember him. (thank god) My siblings do, and I feel they did to me, what was done to them. I was criticized for everything. I had no redeeming qualities whatsoever. My self esteem has never been very high because of this. I have to remind myself that the past is the past and I have to tell myself a newer and better version of those stories. Just because something was said, does not make it true! Sometimes I think the reason I am attracted to narcs is because that is how I am used to being treated.
Sometimes you sound as though you’re still just like that raging young man you were in your teens. Different decade, same conversations.
HG,
Does writing about what you do give you any insight as far as the fall out on your victims? Does it give you any peace or calm? What benefits have there been for you, emotionally. If you could pick one emotion that eludes you, to be fully able to experience which would it be?
Hello Jennifer, I have spent and continue to spend considerable time observing and interacting with my victims. This provides me with further insight with regards to the impact of my behaviour on them and writing about it allows me to “distil” the process further.
It does not give me peace or calm. There are no emotional benefits, only the benefits of greater effectiveness and fuel provision.
I am curious to know what loving someone is like in the way that you love someone albeit I would not want to experience it for long, it only ever ends in misery.
Curiosity killed the cat……..but satisfaction brought it back……..not sure if that proverb applies to narc cats though………only time will tell HG…….
And there was me thinking it was Ben Volpeliere-Pierrot’s fault.
I had to look that name up ……as the only Ben I thought I knew was Ben & Jerry – I still can’t guess the flavour though – no matter how many times I try…….I am obviously not as smart as I would like to think…..I understand your response now…..very funny…..I had forgotten all about that group……you may not be older than me but you are definitely in or around my age…….either that or you are in the music business………
Indeed it does.
HG
Is your view Love only ends in misery because that is what you have always witnessed? Either from your hand or from another.
Even thou I have “seen” more pain and misery from “lust” I haven’t from love. Love and lust are to very different things and IMO Love has been taken so far out of context it has almost lost its original definition. Love is an action and it has been twisted to be shown that it is pain, suffering, misery. Lust is an emotion that now has taken the definition of what love is and looks like.
Correct.
Are you opened minded enough to experience Love from another if they could show you?
I have experienced love from many other people.
You have never felt love towards anyone thou, correct?
Not by the standards of empaths, no.
I wouldn’t expect that, I would expect something different.
Would you equate this Love you experienced from them as Fuel or something else?
It is fuel.
Thank you HG. Do you think you will find the “one” ? Or do you believe you will always search?
I will find her.
I am sure you will find her, one day.
That sounds very genuine, HG!
Has your perception of her and what she’ll be like changed since you’ve been in therapy and worked on the blog and your consults?
Perception of who, Clarece?
The One. Do you still imagine her like Amanda? Or has it evolved?
Still.
Nice, concise and profound Twilight! I like it!
It doesn’t always end in misery. Unless you are referring to the one you love dying before you. And even that’s not misery because you have all the happy memories to console you. Maybe it seems to end in misery to you because you see so many people who love narcissists and that love ended in misery. There are many people I love and have loved for decades with no real misery at all.
It does WS2, but I know our views differ.
I find that very intriguing, HG. It doesn’t fit with my 60 years of experience. I have loved people till they died and it didn’t end in misery. Do we differ in our definition of misery? If you could explain what you mean, I would appreciate it.
Were you not upset WS2 when they died?
Yes, of course I was upset and grieved much when they died, HG. But that was not the end. After I worked through my grief, I was able to better appreciate all the memories and experiences I had with them – all the ways my life had been changed for the better from my relationship with them and the many things they and our relationship had taught me.
In many ways, our relationships never ended. They are still benefiting me. Every time a situation brings to mind something funny or wise or useful that I learned/experienced with my father, grandmother, father in law, etc, it fills my life at that moment with happiness and joy. Even just seeing my grandmother’s expression or how my father used to stand in the faces and posture of my children and grandchildren brings me happiness for the memory and connection to the past.
Life is constantly full of miseries in many forms. Owning my own house, farm and car each entail miseries. Having a job entailed miseries, but I still wanted each of those things because I knew the benefits would way more than balance out the problems. Love is the same way. While it does contain occasional misery, it does not end that way. It will continue to change, to teach and to strengthen you in many ways for your entire life.
There’s irony in your Misery statement, HG. Believe me, the misery resulting in a ‘relationship’ with a Narc is 100% far worse than any misery encountered in a ‘normal’ relationship. I’m sure you’ve pondered this…?
I think amanda is a narcissists infatuation and you find her everytime you find that new hope in a new primary source. Im not sure if she really exists or is symbolism for every narcs infatuation.
Hi Narc Affair……I visualise Amanda as a human like robot…..with 100% preprogrammed narc logic……0% emotion……and fully controlled by a remote, controlling device. (in more ways than one!!!) Diva
Incorrect
HG You can have no idea how delighted I am to be informed that I am incorrect about Amanda!!!!! I hope you find her…..keep looking…..but if you do, do you not think that you are going to have to change your ways and behaviour to make sure that she will stay? Diva
I hope it wasn’t just the 0% of emotion I got wrong on the robot……because on second thoughts…..I should have said fully adjustable emotions. I get confused with you needing emotional empaths for fuel yourself. yet, you try and explain that we need to be emotionless to avoid your type. Diva
My brother just today completed 50 pages of his summer work for his AP History class. When he announced this, I smiled and said “Halfway done.” (He has 100 pages total.) I was about to congratulate him…but was interrupted by my father saying “I thought you would’ve done more.”
And the worst part was…if it was ANYBODY else, anyone but him, my brother would have destroyed them verbally for saying that. As it was, my brother sort of…twitched a little, and went back to his books without a word.
God, it was painful to watch.
Sigh. Every time I’m about to write my brother off as an absolute asshole, I’m reminded of why he is the way he is.
because you’re bitter
I think you meant to write, ‘better’.
My ex pulled up all my Day Lilies and I acted as if I didn’t care. Then I spoke to him using the language of flowers. I planted Basil every where and told him it meant: I hate you, lavender: distrust, thistle: misanthropy, Marigold: cruelty in love. Hmmm, I think I will plant some rhododendron: I am dangerous, beware.
That is interesting K, I have an interest in some plants, where does the link between lavender and distrust (for example) come from?
http://www.angelfire.com/journal2/flowers/pcd6.html
HG, scroll down towards the bottom for the negative meanings. I do not know who created the meanings, but I imagine it may have come from the people who gathered herbs for medicinal properties. There is a book by Vanessa Diffenbaugh,The Language of Flowers; it is fiction. That is where I got the idea.
Thank you K.
🤢😡🖕🏾